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Usually, the nightmares weren’t as bad. At least, not bad enough for Octavia Blake to yell in her sleep. This doesn’t mean that the nightmares in which she doesn’t yell out loud weren’t as horrible. They didn’t stop. The same nightmares over and over again. Most of the time they were about her time as Blodreina. The people despising her, hating her, being afraid of her. It only took so long for Octavia to ignore her feelings and thoughts and decide to lead Wonkru. She had to get rid of her humanity in order to lead this clan. And right then and there, nothing had stopped her. But times change. Redemption. That is what Octavia had searched for after all those years locked up in that bunker. Humanity. Bit by bit, she tried gaining it back. Nothing would make up for all those years lost, but she would try to be strong. For her brother, and all those others.
Her brother. Many nightmares involved her big brother as well. In her dreams, Bellamy is disgusted by her. Wants nothing to do with her. Blames her for everything. Or dies. Every single dream is horrible, but him dying is something that tears her apart.
Yet this nightmare is different from all the other ones about Blodreina, the bunker, the wars and her big brother.
Never did she think the nightmares would be about her.
-
“No! No. Let her go, please. Please...” Octavia yells.
Never has she ever yelled in her sleep like this before. With the usual nightmares, she sweats, tosses and turns in her bed. After a while, the dreams come to an abrupt stop and she wakes up, gasping for air. But this time, it seems she can’t wake up from it, no matter how much she wants this nightmare to be over.
“You let her go. Stop- Take...” she says as she turns over in her bed.
The bed is messed up. Blankets are everywhere because of Octavia’s movements. Another scream escapes her mouth.
“Stop it!”
This scream is the one that wakes Charmaine Diyoza up.
-
Slowly, Charmaine opens her eyes. She blinks and lets her eyes get used to the darkness. She gets up a little and checks the little figure next to her. Hope, who sleeps next to her in a little crib, is still very much asleep. If not Hope, then what did I just hear? Charmaine thinks as she looks around her. Just when she’s about to lay down and close her eyes again, another scream sounds. This time a little less loud, but still loud enough for Charmaine to hear and sit back up. Hope is still fine. Is this a dream? Or is it her slowing becoming insane? She hates this word. And it’s also not possible. She can’t become insane because she isn’t lonely. She has Hope. And Octavia.
Octavia.
“Stay here, okay? I’ll be back in a split second. Just gotta check something.”
Hope is asleep and can’t hear her, she’s aware, but she still says it.
She lays her eyes on the little girl and smiles softly. Charmaine has never thought that she would get so lucky. She’s in a place she’s not once dared to dream of. A beautiful planet. A home. A baby daughter, which she feels like she doesn’t deserve, but does and has. Yet something still bothers her. It has been bothering her for a long time, yet she’s never acted on this feeling.
But no time for this, she thinks. Gotta figure out where this sound is coming from. She opens the door of her little room in their wooden cabin. Without making a sound, Charmaine slowly walks over to the door that leads to Octavia’s room. A doubt.
Do I open the room? What if she’s okay? Or what if she just wants some time for herself, you know, just let the tears flow without anyone bothering her?
But the fear of something happening to her and her not being okay, drives the doubts away. She lifts her hand and knocks the door, not too hard nor too soft. Charmaine puts her ear against the wooden door. No response. Another knock. Then another scream. Enough for Charmaine Diyoza to open the door, which bangs with a small sound against the wall.
-
“Octavia? Octavia! Hey. Hey,” Charmaine whispers as she sees Octavia laying on the left side of the bed facing the ceiling, sweating, her hands around her head and making noises as if she’s in pain. Charmaine doesn’t hesitate as she runs towards her bed and kneels besides it, calling for Octavia and telling her to wake up.
“Octavia. Wake up. Wake up now. Hey, it’s me. It’s okay.”
Slowly, the younger woman opens her eyes, now being awake. The nightmare suddenly stopped, although she has no idea why. Did she wake up, just like that?
No. She can hear a voice next to hear. She turns over, now facing the left side of the room. In the small space between her bed and the wall sits Charmaine.
“Hey. It’s me. You’re okay now. You’re okay,” Charmaine mutters to Octavia, who’s starting to realise she’s awake now and that she’s not alone anymore. Octavia now sees more clearly in the dark and thus can see the woman sitting next to her bedside.
“Diyoza...” she says as she looks at her hands. Charmaine notices she looks confused and takes her hands in hers.
“Hey, yes. It’s me. You had a nightmare. I heard you. But you’re okay now.”
“Did I wake you? And Hope? I’m sorry. I don’t know why I yell-” before Octavia can finish her sentence, Diyoza silences her with her finger.
“No, no. Don’t worry. Hope is still asleep, and I don’t care you woke me up.”
Octavia’s lips turn into a small smile. She knows why it was Charmaine who appeared in her nightmare this time. She’s been scared for it, this dream. It surprises Octavia that she hasn’t seen Charmaine in a nightmare before, but it also makes her happy. She doesn’t ever want to feel like that again. The thought of losing her was awful, and when it actually happened in the dream, it broke her heart.
But it’s okay. She’s here, next to me, and she is fine. So, so am I, Octavia thinks.
“Are you okay now?” Charmaine interrupts her thoughts.
“Yes, it’s fine... I guess. I’m just- it was awful. You know? And... no. Never mind.”
She wants to tell about her nightmare and about her feelings, but she’s scared it will blow it all up. The friendship between them is something that is so special, and Octavia doesn’t ever want to break it. Not if it’s about something this stupid, she thinks.
“You can tell me. You can tell me anything, you know that. But if you don’t want to, that’s okay,” the older woman responds.
Octavia nods. She knows she can tell Charmaine anything, just not this one thing. And the nightmare was stupid anyway.
She will think I’m weak. She will, and I don’t want that, Octavia thinks to herself. Suddenly she feels annoyed.
What if I am weak? These nightmares, they’re a sign of weakness.
Octavia lets go of Charmaine’s hands and turns around to lay on her back, facing the ceiling again.
“I’m okay. It was nothing. You can go now,” she mumbles.
“Are you sure? Because if-”
Octavia interrupts the older woman’s sentence before she can finish it.
“Go. Go away!”
Charmaine looks surprised. She hadn’t expected this response, but she knew what Octavia was going through, so it was okay. It’s not her fault.
Charmaine takes the little tree trunk, which Octavia uses as a bedside table, and helps herself up.
“Okay. Goodnight. You know where I am if you need me.”
Octavia doesn’t respond. Instead, her lip trembles and her eyes are burning, trying to keep the tears from flowing.
-
Charmaine closes the door of Octavia’s room. Quietly, she walks back to her own room. She doesn’t want to wake little Hope up.
“I’m back. It’s okay.” She sighs quietly. But it’s not okay. Octavia is not okay.
“But she will be. She’s strong.”
She gives another look at Hope before she steps back into her bed. Another sigh escapes her mouth.
“Just stop thinking about her, Charmaine. It’s not that hard...” She raises her eyebrow.
“Well. Look at me, Hope. Talking to myself. Maybe I’m becoming insane after all.” She chuckles and moves over to look at the crib with Hope in it, sleeping peacefully. I can do that too, she thinks. And so, she closes her eyes.
-
Not much later, she opens her eyes again. She can’t sleep. Her thoughts are a mess.
And so can’t Octavia. She knows her nightmares aren’t real. This nightmare she just had, it’s just a dream. Nothing of it is real. Still, she feels awful.
“Just let it go. Nothing to be scared of,” she whispers to herself, still hardly being able to stop herself from sobbing.
But it doesn’t work. She can’t sleep like this. No more ignoring my feelings, she thinks. No matter how hard it is. You’ve ignored your feelings for years and look where that got you. And I don’t want to be alone. She sits up and looks at the door.
“I don’t want to be alone.”
-
Octavia leans against the wall next to Charmaine’s door and lets herself slowly fall to the floor. She wraps her hands around her legs as she sits against the wooden wall, her head resting on her knees. She wants to knock the door and ask if she can come in, because she doesn’t want to be alone. Because of that one nightmare she just had, because for once she doesn’t want to ignore her feelings. And, because she’s afraid. Something that she wasn’t allowed to feel before but is allowed to now. And she realises that. A single tear escapes her eye, rolls across her cheek and falls in her lap.
“It’s okay.”
Octavia lifts her hand and looks at the ceiling. She notices the tiny creaks in it. A big one, going from the one side of the small hall she’s sitting in to the other. She thinks.
Do I go in? Or do I not?
More tears float from her eyes, but she wipes them away.
I’m gonna go in, she thinks. I need her to be safe. I need to be not alone. I need to- No, stop. She doesn’t feel that way about you. I just don’t want to be alone.
Finally, Octavia rises. She wipes away her tears and pushes the hair from her face. She steps to the door that leads to Charmaine’s room, and of course Hope, who sleeps there too. A soft knock, to not wake the little girl up. And maybe Charmaine too, Octavia wonders. Maybe I’m just bothering her or waking her up.
But no. A few seconds later, Charmaine opens the door.
“Hey, you. What is it? Are you okay?” She says, standing in the doorway.
Octavia just looks down. She’s sorry for sending her away and yelling at her.
“Hey. You know you can talk to me, right? What do you need?”
You’re being so nice to me, Octavia thinks. Sometimes I wonder why.
“Octavia? Hey.”
Charmaine lets the door handle go and puts her hand on Octavia’s cheek.
“You alright?” A worried look appears on her face.
More doubts. Octavia feels like she shouldn’t bother her, why should she even care about her nightmare?
“Never mind.”
Octavia slaps Charmaine’s hand of her cheek and turns around, turning her back on the older woman. Slowly Octavia walks back to her room, wondering if it was a mistake coming to her. But no. She doesn’t always have to be alone. And she knows Charmaine will listen.
-
Just when Charmaine is about to close her door again, feeling upset because Octavia won’t talk to her, Octavia calls for her.
“Wait. Ch- Charmaine. I’m sorry. Charmaine, wait.”
She is called Charmaine. No one has done that, at least not the people she’s knows now. Not the people from the bunker, from space or from Eligius. Not even by Octavia, at least until now. She’s always called Diyoza. And that’s okay. She’s introduced herself like that multiple times. Colonel Diyoza. Or just Diyoza.
But Octavia calling her by her first name feels so personal. So special.
A soft smile appears on her lips.
“Yes. I’m here.”
She opens the door to watch Octavia slowly making her way back towards her room, her head still down.
“I know I’m gonna sound stupid,” Octavia says, “But can I- Can I please...”
She turns her head to look at Charmaine. “You won’t ever sound stupid. Not to me.”
This makes Octavia feel slightly better. But asking her what she’s about to ask still is scary. Because it will sound stupid, no matter the way I says it, she thinks.
Octavia puts her arms behind her back, wringing both her hands together.
She sighs.
“Can I... stay with you?”
She looks at door handle, not having to see the look on Charmaine’s face. She’s gonna find me stupid, she thinks.
“Like- here? With me?”
“Y- yes. I know it’s stupid. I’ll just be going. Goodnight. I’m sorry I yelled. And I’m sorry I asked you this.”
I’m so stupid, Octavia thinks. I just gotta get out of here. But suddenly Octavia feels Charmaine’s hand grabbing her by her arm.
“Hey. You’re not stupid. And of course, you can. Come here.”
She takes Octavia’s hands and leads her to her own bed.
“Just... make yourself comfortable.”
She smiles and lets Octavia go, checking in on Hope. Hope is still asleep, despite all the noises. Charmaine makes sure the blankets in Hope’s little bed are still in their place, keeping the girl warm. Everything’s still fine. Charmaine smiles and slips into her own bed. Octavia is sitting on the left side of the bed, looking at the window. The curtains aren’t fully closed, which allows a tiny bit of moonlight to shine through the little window, directly on Octavia’s lap.
“You still want to sleep here?” Charmaine asks, wondering why the brunette hasn’t joined her yet.
“Oh. Yeah, well... if you don’t mind of course. I’m probably just, you know, being stupid. Do you want me to go?” Octavia asks.
Charmaine turns over to look at Octavia, keeping her head up with her hand, her elbow resting on Octavia’s pillow.
No, she thinks, I don’t want you to go, ever. This is our home. You are- can’t say any of that. No.
“No. You don’t have to be alone. And you don’t have to feel stupid. Come here. The bed is big enough for the both of us.”
Both Octavia and Charmaine have a bed big another for two people to sleep in. The beds were already there when first Charmaine and then Octavia arrived on Skyring. Some blankets were left on the floor and in closets, others had to be made. Enough blankets for the three of them to stay warm in during the night, which were getting colder as time went by. Hope’s little crib wasn’t something that came with the cabin, so Charmaine made it herself when she first came here, knowing she had to make it because the baby would arrive soon.
-
“Okay.” Octavia said with a shy voice.
It felt so weird, having to ask someone to stay with them during the night. But now she’s here, and she feels so safe.
Charmaine puts the blankets aside and Octavia stands up, ready to get in the warm bed next to Charmaine.
“Come here.”
No more doubts. Octavia gets in and pulls the blankets over her and gets comfortable. She rolls over to lay on her right side, looking Charmaine in the eyes, who lays next to her, looking right back at her. Charmaine smiles softly, and Octavia can’t help but smile back.
“I’m sorry I asked you this. It’s probably weird to you. I just...” Octavia hesitates, but continues anyway.
“I didn’t want to be alone.”
“Don’t apologise. It’s okay.”
“I’m sorry I yelled when you tried to calm me down. I shouldn’t have done that.” Octavia tells her.
“Don’t worry. You had a nightmare. I understand. You just wanted some time to get back on yourself,” the other woman replies with a soft voice.
Octavia considers telling Charmaine about the person in her nightmare, but she’s worried Charmaine might find it lame. Still, Charmaine has been supportive. She even lets Octavia sleep here.
“You know... that nightmare...”
Charmaine listens closely, pulling the blankets a little closer. She’s now rested her head on the pillow, looking at Octavia with a soft gaze.
“I’ve only had nightmares about my brother... and... you know. All that’s been happening in the bunker. But this time it was different. I’ve never had a nightmare as bad.” Octavia says.
Charmaine sees that Octavia isn’t sure about telling this story.
“Hey, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
“No,” Octavia responds, “I want to tell you this.”
“Okay. But don’t feel like you have to,” Charmaine insists.
“No. I know.”
She presses her lips together and thinks.
Where do I start? Do I only tell about what happened? Do I tell the nightmare was about her? And do I tell- no. We’ll see.
“Like I said,” she says, “this nightmare wasn’t like any I’ve had before. And... I have had quite a lot. And all of them bad. But this is the first time I’ve actually yelled about something... and, well, woke you up.”
Charmaine nods and Octavia continues.
“It was awful. I don’t ever want to have such a dream again...” she stops.
Charmaine’s gunmetal blue eyes are staring right into hers. Octavia desperately wants to lay her hands on her cheek and just caress her hair, but she doesn’t allow herself to do so.
A silence. Both women just look into each other’s eyes, until Octavia breaks the silence.
“It was about you,” she whispers.
-
Charmaine’s eyes turn slightly bigger. She’s surprised, Octavia figures.
But is she weirded out? Does she think I’m weird?
“Please say something. I’m sorry. I can’t help-”
“I know. I know, Octavia. Don’t be sorry.” She smiles.
“You don’t think it’s weird?”
“Well, can’t say I’m not surprised. But if it’s weird? No, not to me. I... I do have nightmares too. Not as frequently, but I do. And... You’ve been in them, multiple times,” Charmaine confesses.
Her eyes now facing the wall right above Octavia’s head, not wanting to look into her eyes, fearing she’d find it strange.
“Really?” Octavia says softly and turns her head a little.
Charmaine locks her eyes on the younger woman’s eyes again.
“Yeah. Didn’t expect that, huh?” She chuckles.
To her surprise, Octavia giggles also.
“I didn’t. No, actually.”
A smile forms her lips, but soon fades as she thinks about what she really feels and how Charmaine probably doesn’t.
“You okay?” Charmaine’s face turns more serious as she notices Octavia’s smile fades.
“Yeah... I just hope the nightmares stop... eventually.”
“They will, I promise.” Charmaine says, letting go off the blanket and resting her hand on Octavia’s cheek. Octavia feels her cheeks getting warmer as well as feeling a warm feeling inside of her. A red blush appears on her face.
Please don’t stop, Octavia thinks. She’s ready to fall asleep like this, and her eyes close a little.
Charmaine narrows her eyes and brings her head a little closer. A grin appears on her face.
“Are you blushing?”
Octavia’s eyes jump open immediately and she turns even redder.
“What? Uh- no. No.”
“You are. It may be a little dark, but I can still see.” Charmaine whispers, still smiling. Her hand softly strokes Octavia’s red cheek.
“Okay, I am. Maybe.” Octavia chuckles.
“How can you see so well in the dark?”
Charmaine doesn’t answer. Instead she just gazes at Octavia. At her cheeks. At her beautiful eyes. Her cheeks again. Then, her lips. Just her lips.
Octavia takes the hand laying on her cheek, holding it tenderly.
She’s so beautiful, is all Octavia thinks. And she gazes right back. Right back into her blue eyes. And her lips. And for the first time she dares to admit it. She wants to kiss her. She really wants to kiss her.
-
All the nightmares are forgotten. There is just each other, and only each other for the two women looking at one another.
And both women are feeling the same thing. But they’re both scared to admit it, to act on it. Although they really, really want to.
Octavia leans in a little closer, now breaking the silence in the room, and with that also the long gaze.
“You are too,” she laughs quietly.
“What?”
“Blushing. Your cheeks are red,” Octavia responds.
“Oh. That. I totally forgot I said that earlier. But no.” Charmaine laughs too, taking her hand back from under Octavia’s hand and hiding her red cheek with it.
“You see? I’m not. I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Charmaine says with a chuckle.
Octavia takes Charmaine’s hand from her cheek and points at the red spot.
“You are.”
“Okay. Fine.” She smiles.
Both feel the urge to kiss one another getting bigger by the minute.
But she’ll push you away, Charmaine thinks.
She’ll say I have to leave, Octavia thinks.
But the urge is so strong. Octavia now cups Charmaine’s cheek with her left hand.
“You know, when I met you, in that bunker...” Charmaine tells, “you with the war paint, and me leading a bunch of criminals.” She laughs by the thought of it.
“I never thought we’d end up like this, you know. Together, here on this planet,” she whispers.
Octavia nods with a smile, and Charmaine continues.
“And I had never, like, never ever thought I’d do this very thing,” she says softly.
And with that said, Charmaine puts her hand once again on Octavia’s cheek, leans in and presses her lips against hers.
-
It takes a minute for Octavia to process what had just happened. And by the time she has, Charmaine has already leaned back, avoiding Octavia’s eyes.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I did that,” the older woman says.
Octavia looks at her.
“No. Don’t be.”
Octavia takes Charmaine’s cheek and turns her face so that she looks at her again, then leans in for another kiss. This time totally aware of what is happening.
Octavia’s hand is on Charmaine’s cheek, pushing some hair out of her face, their bodies touching under the blankets. Charmaine’s hand slips from Octavia’s cheek to her hip, pulling her closer.
Octavia deepens the kiss and tastes the other woman’s lips, which are as sweet as honey. Never has she thought this would happen, but she is more than happy that it is indeed happening, and the warmth inside of her gets stronger.
For a split second they let each other go to catch some breath, then Charmaine pulls in and their lips lock once again.
Charmaine caresses Octavia’s back and hip, while Octavia pushes the covers away, reaching for Charmaine’s back and slowly letting her hand slip into Charmaine’s shirt, exploring her back with her hand.
Charmaine now does the same thing, wanting to feel Octavia’s warm skin on her hands. Another deep kiss, before both women let each other go to catch some more breath.
Charmaine takes her hand back from under Octavia’s comfortable sleeping shirt and pushes some hair from Octavia’s face. Octavia puts her forehead against Charmaine’s and both women smile at each other, still finding this whole situation a little bit surreal.
“I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time,” Charmaine says.
“I have too. I just was convinced you’d despise me for it,” the brunette replies, a bit more serious now.
“Never,” Charmaine says softly, as she kisses the younger woman’s forehead.
“I’m so happy you’re here. I really am.”
Octavia smiles.
“I am too,” she replies, as she gets closer to Charmaine and rests her head just a little beneath the other woman’s head.
Charmaine wraps her hands around Octavia. They share one more kiss before Charmaine gently strokes Octavia’s hair, both falling asleep in each other’s arms, as the moonlight shines through the window from the dark sky onto the two sleeping women.