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Nadir closed the front door and leaned against it with a heavy sigh, his throat sore as a few of the tears he had been trying to fight back the entire day finally fell onto his cheeks. He’d had to receive countless people who had stopped by to pay their condolences over the course of the day after Reza had been buried, even though the last thing he had wanted to do was entertain people and make conversation; all he wanted was to curl up in his bed and bury himself in his own grief.
He had just seen his son be buried that very morning. He was completely alone; the two people he loved most in the world were dead and there was nothing that could mend that pain. No amount of sympathetic words or hugs or prayers could fix it or bring them back. Perhaps that was why he found those exact things so exhausting.
Reaching up to dry his tears, Nadir turned around to make his way to his bedroom, only to jump slightly when he saw Erik standing a few feet away, just outside the door to the sitting room. “You really do have an aversion to using doors, don't you?” he asked with a sigh.
“You were standing in front of the door. I couldn’t exactly open it,” Erik replied matter-of-factly,
Nadir shook his head, not in the state of mind to deal with his friend’s idea of humour. “What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see you...make sure you were alright.”
“You could have done that at the funeral that you didn’t attend.”
Erik didn’t even flinch at the insult that was thrown his way. “I was there, Daroga. You simply didn’t see me,” he replied calmly.
“Why? You didn’t want it to come out that you were the one who killed the very same boy that we were burying?” Nadir snapped, tears immediately filling his eyes and his throat quickly tightening as he spoke. He hadn’t meant those words; he knew in the back of his mind that every word in that sentence had been false, simply a ploy to make Erik feel guilty. In reality, Nadir knew he already did; he knew how much his son had meant to his friend. He had seen the tears that Erik had tried to mask on the night of Reza’s death, and he’d heard the broken sobs the night before coming from the room his friend stayed in when resting at his home; the entire ordeal with losing Reza was killing Erik just as it was killing him.
“Before you try to apologize, don't bother. I know you didn’t mean that, Nadir,” Erik said, dropping the formal title in favour of his actual name given the sensitivity of the situation. “At least, I would like to think you didn’t.”
“No, of course not. I’m sorry, I’m just...so tired. I’ve been up since the crack of dawn to make preparations and say my final goodbye to my child, I’ve been crying all day and trying to put up a front for people I don't even really know, pretending that their consolation means something to me when it really means absolutely nothing,” Nadir said, all of his words coming out in a jumble in order to get his statement across before he dissolved into tears. It had become too much to try and hold it in anymore, and he knew that if he could be vulnerable around anyone, it was Erik, so he didn’t even bother trying. “Besides. You aren’t the one who let him die.”
“Don't,” Erik said, a firm tone to his voice as he stepped over to Nadir and set a hand on his shoulder. “You did that child a favour.”
Nadir looked up at the masked man with a frown as he pulled away from him. “I let you kill him, Erik, how-”
“You spared him so much pain, Daroga. You have to stop convincing yourself that this was a wicked act when it was one of mercy. I know that, deep down, you know that to be true.”
Biting his now trembling lip, Nadir looked down at his feet as he took a shaky breath, trying to compose himself. “I...I keep losing the people that mean the most to me and all I want to do is blame myself because I was supposed to be the one to protect my family and I failed. I tried to do it when I lost Rookheya died and I’m trying to do it again now,” he croaked.
“How could you possibly have blamed yourself for your wife’s death? Nadir, she died in childbirth,” Erik said gently.
“And who got her pregnant?” Nadir demanded as he looked back up at his friend for a moment before he walked into the kitchen, right over to the cupboard that held the decanter of spirits that he so seldom indulged in to pour himself a glass.
“Nadir...you never could have known that was going to happen,” Erik replied, following behind his friend. “In all fairness, you have never told me the details of that night, but I know for certain that any complications that arose were not your fault. Pregnancy and childbirth are difficult, yes, but a woman is meant to be able to live to nurse and raise her child. Anything outside of that is an anomaly that should not have taken place.”
Downing his drink, Nadir set the glass down and leaned heavily on the counter. “It was too soon. She was too young, we should have waited, but I was too focused on satisfying my own needs and desires that I didn’t even consider how it might affect her,” he said, shaking his head as the guilt that he had buried for ten years engulfed him, however irrational it may have been.
He turned his head when Erik stepped over to stand next to him, gently pulling the glass away from him. “You cannot blame yourself for wishing for a family, Daroga,” he pointed out. “I know the two of you discussed it - you’ve told me as much. If Rookheya had had concerns to do with her own body, she would have told you. She wanted to be a mother, risks or not. It’s no one’s fault that it went wrong.”
He was right. Then again, of course he was; Erik prided himself on being right at every available opportunity. “She was so excited. I’ve never seen a woman that was so happy to go into labour,” Nadir said with a quiet laugh.
“Yes, that does seem like an uncommon occurrence,” Erik said with a small smile, glad to take a step back and let his friend get everything off of his chest.
“I was able to stay with her as long as I could, up until the last stage of her labour when she actually had to deliver Reza. I was pushed out of the room, leaving my mother and sister and Rookheya’s mother in the room with her. It killed me, having to sit in the other room and just listen to her in...in such agony and not be able to be there to help,” Nadir said, only to shake his head. “I was so foolish to think that was the worst thing that was going to happen that night.”
As soon as the door to the bedroom opened, Nadir was on his feet, looking to his mother, Jazmine, for answers. “What’s going on? Maadar*, tell me what’s happening. Is the baby okay? Is Rookheya?” he asked frantically.
“Nadir, just take a deep breath,” his mother replied, setting a hand on his chest and giving him a small smile. “Your baby is fine. You have a son.”
A smile formed on Nadir’s face as a quiet laugh out of disbelief escaped him. “That’s wonderful. And he’s healthy?”
“He is, yes. He’s on the smaller side, but as long as we keep him wrapped up and warm, he’ll be perfectly fine.”
“Well, I’m sure Rookheya will happily help with that if it means she gets to hold him,” Nadir chuckled, only for his smile to quickly fade when he noticed the solemn expression on his mother’s face. “Maadar? What’s going on?”
With a sigh, Jazmine slipped her hand into his to hold it tight. “She’s very weak, Nadir. She lost a lot of blood,” she said quietly.
“So she...no,” Nadir replied, his throat immediately tightening as he realized what his mother was implying with such a simple statement. “No, no, that-I can’t lose her, Maadar, I can’t do this by myself.”
Jazmine immediately wrapped her arms around him, cradling the back of his head with her hand. “I’m so sorry, Nadir,” she whispered. “Things could still turn around, but...go and see her and your baby. Just be with her.”
Nadir nodded as he pulled away from his mother’s arms, taking a deep breath as he slowly walked across the hall and opened the door to the bedroom, only to feel his breath hitch in his throat when he saw his wife; Rookheya was propped up in bed by stacks of pillows, which seemed to be the only things keeping her upright. She was covered in a sheen of sweat and she looked much paler than she normally did - she looked like only a shell of the strong woman he knew.
“Kheya,” Nadir whispered as he stepped over to the bed and sat down next to her to take her hand, sighing shakily as he watched her slowly turn her head and look at him. “Hello, my love.”
“Hello,” Rookheya said, her voice quiet and her hold on Nadir’s hand significantly weaker than normal, and yet she still managed to smile at him; always joyful, no matter the circumstances. “We have a son.”
“Yes, I know we do. That’s wonderful,” Nadir replied, smiling back at her before he turned his head to see his sister, Nousha, step over to them from the other side of the room with a small bundle in her arms. He let her press a kiss to his cheek before he folded his arms and let her set the baby in his arms, his eyes immediately filling with tears as he set his eyes on his son for the first time. “Oh, he’s so beautiful,” he said as he turned back to look at his wife.
Rookheya nodded slowly, a weak smile on her face. “He is, yes,” she said quietly. “What...what would you say about naming him Reza?”
Nadir smiled back at her and nodded before he glanced back down at the baby. “For your father. It’s perfect.”
“Good. Good.”
Turning back to his wife, Nadir’s smile faltered when he noticed how her head had slumped slightly and her eyes were becoming heavier, her breaths laboured; she seemed to be fighting to even stay conscious - or alive - at that point. “Rookheya, please...please stay awake,” he begged, shuffling closer to her to make sure she could see their son as they spoke.
“Nadir...promise me you’ll take care of him,” Rookheya said quietly, reaching up with a shaky hand to gently stroke Reza’s hair.
“Of course I will, but you’re going to be right there with me to take care of him, Kheya,” Nadir replied as he gave his wife a small smile. “We’re going to do this together, just like we always wanted to.”
A weak smile on her face, Rookheya raised her hand to cup Nadir’s cheek in her hand, sighing when she felt him immediately lean into her touch. “I can’t. We both know that, eshgham*.”
Tears blurring his vision, Nadir glanced up at his sister when she took Reza from his newly shaking arms before he moved closer to his wife to gently hold her in his arms. “No, Rookheya, you’re going to be okay. You-you have to be okay, I-I can’t do this alone, I can’t,” he said, his voice breaking off by the end of his sentence as his tears overflowed and fell onto his face.
“Yes, you can. You’re going to be just fine,” Rookheya whispered. “Our baby is going to have such a beautiful life. And you know that I’m always going to be with you, even if I can’t be there physically.”
“But...I need you,” Nadir choked out, leaning over to press his forehead against hers. “You’re my life, Rookheya.”
“As you are mine, Nadir, but now you have to give everything to Reza. He needs you.”
Nadir nodded slightly, not wanting to agree with her but beginning to realize that he had to. “I know. I’m going to make sure he has everything he could ever want, don't worry. He’ll be okay,” he whispered. “He’s going to know everything about you too. Every little thing I can tell him, he’ll know.”
“I’m glad,” Rookheya said quietly, the weakness in her voice only getting worse. “I love you so much, Nadir.”
“And I love you most in this world, Rookheya. I love you more than you will ever know.” As he shot her a weak smile, Nadir leaned down to kiss her gently, squeezing his eyes shut as he felt her weakly try to reciprocate and paying no heed to the tears that fell onto his wife’s cheeks.
He froze a moment later when he felt how still his wife had become. Moving at a snail’s pace, Nadir pulled his lips away from hers and lifted his head to look at her, fresh tears immediately filling his eyes when he saw Rookheya’s eyes closed and a peaceful expression on her face; never had he hated the look of such an expression before.
“Rookheya. Rookheya, please,” he pleaded, a sob escaping him as he hugged his wife’s body to his chest and cradled her head on his shoulder as he wept. “Don't leave me, Rookheya, please. I love you so much, please don't do this.”
The only thing that pulled him out of his own cloud of grief was the sound of his son’s shrill cries. Lifting his head, Nadir choked back a sob as he carefully laid Rookheya back on the bed, moving as if he were trying not to wake her as she slept, before he looked to his sister and took Reza into his arms. He gently rocked his son, managing a weak smile when Reza’s cries quieted into whimpers and coos as he nuzzled closer to his father’s chest.
“Shh, don't cry, my boy. We’re going to be okay, I promise. Mama’s going to be right there with us,” he whispered, lifting Reza up so he could gently lean his forehead against the boy’s, kissing his little nose even as more tears fell onto his cheeks. “She loves you so much, Reza. I can promise you that.”
Erik watched Nadir closely, then took a tentative step forward and gently set his hand on his friend’s shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze in any attempt to show support while he cried. “I’m sorry, Nadir,” he said quietly. “As much as I enjoy pestering you, you deserve none of what has happened to you.”
With a shaky breath, Nadir lifted his head and wiped his tears off of his cheeks. “We play with the cards we’re dealt. There’s nothing else we can do,” he managed to say.
“That doesn’t mean I can’t feel bad because of that fact. You didn’t deserve to lose the two people who supported you the most,” Erik replied. “All I can say is that I’m sorry it happened and that I’m here for you if you need it.”
Erik had expected a ‘thank you’ in response. What he got was Nadir turning and wrapping his arms around him, leaning against his shoulder as more tears fell from his eyes. Erik hesitated at first, completely caught off guard; they were acquaintances...friends, even, but they were never open to hugs and any gesture like that. Handshakes and maybe a pat on the shoulder was as far as they went. Still, hearing the sobs coming from the one friend he had in the world, Erik knew that the hug was far from uncalled for so, with a deep breath, he wrapped his arms around Nadir, which only made him cry harder.
“You’re going to be alright, Nadir. I’m here for you, and Rookheya and Reza are too; we always will be.”