Work Text:
Sometimes it hits him, like the bullet he was hit by over 30 years ago: she knows nothing.
That's when he struggles the most. His heart begins to race. It scares him. Maybe one day his heart won't be able to take the sudden rush of emotional wrath, any longer. The fear of how he would hurt her if she were ever to find out. The regret that he never got the courage to tell her. Lastly the intense anger towards himself.
What kind of man would lie to his wife that way? Winden is a town of lies. It hides so many of them - especially the men who are telling them. Aleksander knows a lot of people who tell him a lot of stories. There's Tronte, there's Ulrich, there's Peter, and way too many others... He - Aleksander Tiedemann - is one of them.
He never cheated on her. He never even thought about it. He would rather die than live without her at his side. These facts make him think, he's actually better than the adulterers. But still he is one of those husbands who's constantly lying to his wife's face. How pathetic of him to even pretend that he would be a decent human being...
Imagining what pain he would cause, if she would find out about his false identity, was a never-ending nightmare for him. What would she say if she would realise, the man she fell in love with was actually named Boris? Although he never feared her anger, judgement or blame. If she would ever find out, he deserved all of it.
In general, he is able to suppress his guilt. He never dwells in the past for too long. That doesn't mean he has finally escaped from it, but nowadays he thinks about his life as a very contented one. He is utterly thankful for the two most important people in his life. His sophisticated, strong and beautiful wife, who always has his back. His son Bartosz, of whom he's proud of and loves him very much.
He also likes his job, which is consuming, but he worked hard back in the day and successfully received a status of great power. The family, the house, the money. That's it. They got everything. Sadly those things doesn't change or justify the reality, in which he's a liar.
Regina knows there is something he's hiding. There has to be a deeper and much darker meaning to his sudden mysterious appearing in 1986 in the woods. She's neither stupid nor naive. Bullets don't shot themselves into the shoulders of boys, who are on the run. She knows that. Of course, she could've asked, but she didn't.
Not that she wouldn't care. She takes care of him the minute she realises there is indeed blood soaking through his shirt. But she never put pressure on him to tell her, where he came from or how he got shot. She saved his life by taking care of him.
She shouldn't have had the urge to help him, though... At first Aleksander was not sure why she did it. He was still a stranger with a wound and a gun and her grandfather was a police officer... And Aleksander had sworn to himself to never trust anybody again. He thought of it as a marvel. She, in all her bravery and determination to help him, was marvellous to him. He couldn't do anything else except trusting her. Every time he looked into her eyes, he got a strange feeling of secureness. And so he put himself in her trustful hands. He never regretted this decision.
Even all those years later, with his memory a little clouded, he can still recall how she impressed him, as she took him into her mothers home, stopped the bleeding and took care of his wound, as if it were nothing. But then later, when they became closer to each other, he understood the sad truth, which caused her to be so utterly grateful, for what he did for her.
She had the urge to return the favour, because he defended her against Katharina and Ulrich.
His threat, that he would come after them, if they would ever hurt her again, kept her save from this day on. Before he arrived in Winden, they had bullied her. Still the memories were haunting her in her sleep...
This had been her reality for years, a dangerous circle, she was trapped in – and he broke it, by appearing in the woods in the right place, at the right time.
So ever since their first moment, they took care of each other. By saving each other out of their miserable situations, they introduced themselves into a new circle. One of saving, caring... and then loving. There is so much depth in their connection, so much they cannot find words to explain it. It's a kind of deep trust and most important heartfelt love - way stronger than anything else, they have felt before.
Years later he tries to find words to tell her, as he proposes to her. She's in her mid-twenties, he's almost thirty. She just graduated at the university in the near city and is about to start working in her home town. He's about to be promoted into the directors position, but he wants to marry her before. He has no reasons to doubt her feelings for him. In the nearly ten years of their relationship they have spoken about marriage before. They wanted to wait, for money and time. But they've always been sure about choosing each other.
Nevertheless Regina's voice makes a little surprised sound, as he kneels in front of her.
“You are the best that ever happened to me. You saved my life, Regina.”
“You, too. You saved mine, as well,”
she whispers through her hands, which she holds in front of her mouth.
“Will you marry me?”, he asks.
She nods a few times and then she almost breathless answers: “Yes, of course. Yes!”,
he gets on his feet and kisses her. She laughs out loud, as he lifts her up.
His name is wrong. Along with his birthdate and birthplace – but what he told about himself, beyond these plain information, was the truth. He was indeed a metalworker. He was able to work hard and he was a fast learner. He never lied to Regina again. His life with her shouldn't be wrong. Even about the power plant. Of course, he was not authorized to tell her about the numbers or else, but he told her everything beyond that. His fears, his doubts – he shared the moments, when he was fed up with the whole system, when he wanted to quit. She was there for him. But again she didn't ask, she didn't pressure him. Not that she wouldn't care. She cared, but she cared a little bit more about not bringing him into difficult situations.
Also he had never told Regina, what Claudia had asked him to keep silent about. It had been a promise. Today it was a big secret. Again he is sure that Regina knew more, than she would admit. But in this case, what could any of them do about it?
Winden is a town of secrets...
There is the thing with his last name. If Regina really suspected something more at this point, perhaps she wanted to help him with this one, in the best way she could...
One dinner, out of sudden, she suggests to him:
“What if you take my name?”,
“Tiedemann?”, he asks and she nods,
“It's the only thing left from her... I don't want to give it up,” she shrugs her shoulders, she doesn't need to say. Of course, she has Claudia in mind. He knows she doesn't want to, but she thinks about her mother every day.
“I understand,”
she looks at him and her thoughtful expression fades into one of her lovely smiles.
“And to be honest, Aleksander, I don't think Köhler fits to me.”
He laughs with her.
“I'm glad. I like your idea. And well, I am a feminist.”
It's not a lie. He believes in the idea of feminism and it thrills him to bend the rules of traditional marriage norms, and Regina feels the same – but deep in their hearts they are relieved. A new start. On the surface Köhler doesn't exist any more and with this circumstance comes a little peace.
A few people seem to think of it as odd, but Regina and Aleksander doesn't care about gossip. The majority of Winden understands their wish to honour the impact of Claudia Tiedemann for the community. It makes him feel secure, to not wear the false name any more. He really likes that Regina and him are now sharing a name. He is ecstatic for them to become wife and husband.
He has never felt more alive and happy, as on their wedding day, so he thinks. A few years later he learns, this life has even more joyful moments for him in store.
The moment Regina tells him, they are about to become parents. The moment he holds their son for the first time.
“Look what you did,” he whispers in awe to an exhausted Regina, who - barely able to hold her eyes open - answers, “We... we did... together.”
He wanted a chance. He got one and he's satisfied with what he achieved. But in the back of his mind, there will always stay his past. For him it feels like rain. Everything is always a bit watered down for him. The more time passes, the lighter it gets, but it's still there...
No matter, how much effort he puts into shutting down this particular place of his brain, it hits him now and then. Regina knows so much, and at the same time nothing at all.
If she cares to know the truth or not, if she's asking questions or none – it won't change the fact: he never told her the truth, of his own accord.
Is it too late to tell her then? What he wants to protect her from, is something he created himself.
He can't save her. He never thought through. Probably he will never be able to tell her the truth.
Then one evening, Regina says something which gives his aching heart a little break and mutes his guilt - at least for a while.
It's late. She's sitting at the dinner table in front of her laptop. Her hair down, her auburn curls cascading all around her, she's probably typing another business plan.
There is this dream, she never dared to dream, until the Dopplers wanted to get rid of the big mansion, near the woods.
Helge inherited it from his father, but he never wanted to live there again. His son Peter never wanted to move into the house or had time to do any thing else with it either. Peter told Aleksander, he never really felt home there. Finally the Dopplers decided to sell it.
Regina's heart, on the other side, had a lot of space for all the empty rooms and so much ideas to revive them all. Her own hotel.
Regina isn't really able to explain it, but something seems to connect her to this old, great building.
“It feels familiar somehow,” she told him, as she proposed her plans to buy the house and turn it into a hotel.
“Like a part of me has always belonged there. I know, I sound crazy,” she admits, but he doesn't think she is.
“Alright, if you feel that way -”
“I'm not asking for permission, Aleksander,” she enthusiastically says.
“I already decided. I got the money, I got the time, I'm gonna do it,”
she almost seems reckless, the way she stands in front of him. But once again she amazes him with her enthusiasm.
“I'm very happy for you and I'm gonna support you in every way I can,”
he truthfully says.
“That's the only thing I wanted to hear.”
She wants it on her own. She has set it on her mind, to do it without any help. She has money, which she never touched, inherited from her mother and her grandfather.
Aleksander accompanies her to the first viewing of the Doppler mansion. Here he is able to witness, how Regina's complex emotions toward the building are shown in her body language.
In an instant, she is totally excited, her eyes are shining and her hands are trembling.
“It's mine,” she whispers to him and her smile hasn't been this bright since a while.
The mansion has been hers for a long time, but none of them can explain why.
These days she's planing, calculating, analysing the market... and whatever it takes to make her vision become reality. She's fierce and fearless. It pleases him to watch her bloom at the tasks at hand. How she handles all the stuff regarding the bank and tends to get the upper hand during these appointments.
The more she successes with her plans, the more confidant she gets. Regina acquired a lot of courage over the last decades and despite all the obstacles she had to face throughout her life, these days she is beautifully optimistic. He never expected less from her.
She's very concentrated, he doesn't want to disturb her. But he has to linger... She looks adorable with her glasses on...
“What is it?” she asks sternly, with her fingers typing further.
He steps into the room and stands behind her chair. Putting his hands on her tense shoulders, he presses a light kiss to her temple.
“It's almost midnight,” he says,
she nods, “I know. I'm not finished yet.”
They share a moment of silence. The keys of her keyboard are clicking further, he releases her shoulders and moves over to lean against the table, close, on the opposite to her and starts touching her hair with his fingers. He starts playing with one of her soft curls. She smiles.
Years ago she explained to him, how she tried to get rid of her natural curly hair, since the day they met.
“Mother always told me to finally comb them,”
she had made a face while saying those words,
“but you know, they were way too thick for just combing. It took hours.”
“I liked your curls,” he had told her “you shouldn't have had the need to change for me.”
She smiled that darling smile,
“You have no idea. I was so insecure about it. But I think, my hair turned out fine.”
“More than fine. You are beautiful, Regina.”
She became silent, her eyes downcast. Even after three decades of him constantly complimenting on her looks and praising her for her traits, he could swear that she still doubted his words.
One morning a few weeks ago, they were both about to leave for work. They were standing in the hallway. He put on his coat and scarf, while she was standing in front of the mirror and looked tight-lipped at her appearance. He noticed her critical gaze, so he said reassuring,
“Regina, you're gorgeous.”
She shook her head and she rolled her eyes at him.
“You're not believing it,”
he said sounding a bit hurt. Regretting his tone immediately, because of course he is aware of how all the bullying from school, the harsh words from her mother still affected her views on her own worth and how hard it was for her to see herself through his eyes, even after all these years. She didn't intend to offend him with her reaction. But it hurt him every time, to realise that she just couldn't believe, that the beauty she radiated was real. She looked at him, there was sorrow in her eyes.
“I'm sorry. I know, you mean it,” she said ruefully and moved towards him.
“It's okay,” he said reassuring and he gently stroked her arm.
“I don't blame you. You don't have to apologize to me,” he took her into his arms, as he saw that she had to wipe her eyes.
“I love you, Aleksander,” he heard her muffled words against his shoulder.
He kissed her cheek.
“One day,” he promised into her ear, “you will love yourself, like I do love you.”
He felt the shaking of her head, but as they went outside the door, holding hands, she didn't looked into the mirror again.
In the present Regina puts a hand over Aleksander's, pulling him out of his memories.
“I know, you like my hair, but please stop – I have to finish it tonight,” she gestures to her laptop.
“Am I distracting you?” he teases her, but he instantly leaves her strand of hair alone.
Their hands are still joined.
“Yes, you do,” she smiles.
“I'm proud of you, you know,” he says.
Her smile gets wider and her eyes are beaming with joy, but again she shakes her head.
“If I'm gonna be successful, then you better be proud of me,” he grins and squeezes her hand.
Then he pushes himself off the table.
“I will wait for you,” he says over his shoulder, as he heads for their bedroom.
The sounds of her fingers, moving all over the keyboard again, is his answer.
It's getting very late until she joins him. It doesn't matter to him, he won't be able to find any sleep this night. He's reading a book, when she lays under the covers next to him.
“I'm sorry, for keeping you up so late. I know, you have to get up early,” she apologizes.
“Don't worry about it,” he says, turning himself to put the book on his bedside table.
“There's something on your mind, isn't it?” Regina says gently.
It's a question, but it sounds more like a statement. He nods and sighs while he sits up.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He shakes his head in response.
“Okay,” she whispers and moves towards him. Then he feels her hands on his back, as she starts to rub his shoulder blades.
“I'm sorry,” his voice croaks.
“Don't be,” Regina's fingers trace patterns above his back,
“Everything is alright,” her voice is as equally soft, as her hair.
He feels her planting light kisses on his neck.
He can't handle it. Her gentle caressing, her efforts to comfort him... He's suffocating in his guilt. His chest hurts.
“Regina, I -,” her fingers stop moving.
She places her hand on his cheek and turns his face towards herself. She seems to be very awake, with her keen eyes. Her expression is serious, but not worried. Her lips curve into a kind smile.
“Aleksander, do I want to know?” she asks.
He didn't expected these words. He's surprised. He's sure, she is able to hear the painful beating of his heart.
Regina knows there is something he's hiding. She's neither stupid nor naive. Bullets don't shot themselves into the shoulders of boys... Of course she could've asked, but... she didn't.
She has trusted him so very much. He owes it to her, to trust her in the same unexplainable way, like he had trusted her with his life before. She knows on her own how to handle stuff. She knows what she wants to know and what not. He tries to swallow. His mouth is very dry. He breathes out.
“No, you don't.”
She smiles, her eyes blink a few times.
“Then it's okay,” she says, taking her hand off his cheek and stroking through his hair.
For a moment, she left him speechless.
“I love you,” he says, as soon as he is able to use his voice again.
There is a rush of relief, flooding over his guilt. It's like she handed an umbrella over to him for the constant rain in his mind.
“I love you, too.”
Now it's him, who takes her face in his hands and he kisses her. She returns the kiss and slowly lets herself sink back into the pillows, as his hands caress through her long hair.
“Thank you,” he whispers.
As an answer she keeps on kissing him further, so he shoves his doubts aside.
Today it's fine... until next time. His heart will race the same, the anxious look in his eyes will be the same. Regina will ask him again and his answer will be the same.
Do I want to know?
She doesn't want to know.
She says that it's okay.
He knows it's not. But he tells her otherwise.