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“Seigi.”
He’s barely sat down on the hotel sofa before he calls my name, his graceful lips pursed into a scowl.
I was too naive to hope that he’d just ignore what happened.
“I’d like an explanation.”
“...For what?”
“You know ‘for what.’”
“Don’t you want to shower first? Today was pretty long.”
“Sit down. ...Please.”
He looks down at his lap. The bright celestite of his eyes are clouded over, and that’s partially my fault.
We’re in Germany. After a very early-morning client visit, we had the rest of the day to ourselves, so I brought up going to lunch with Deborah-san and her new husband.
The lunch was fine - fun, even. The kids are apparently old enough for daycare now, so the entire atmosphere felt enough like a double date to make my toes tingle. It was easy to see Richard was relieved that Deborah was doing well for herself, and I have to admit it was fun to watch them tease each other. I got to see a little window into Richard’s past.
It was when we were leaving, though, that things got a little awkward…
I mull over the conversation that happened as I take my place on the sofa next to Richard, and as I do I notice he’s taken out his phone. Displayed on the screen is a picture, followed by a short message from Saul-san.
Maya has finished the final design, based on your feedback. The rings are now with me; let me know if you would rather meet in Tokyo or in Kandy.
“They really are perfect…”
“...I agree. Maya’s design sense is as impeccable as always. Though I can’t say as much for Saul’s timing in sending the message.”
“Listen, that was entirely my fault—“
Seigi , he calls out again, and somehow I can pick out every emotion hiding there. Exasperation, confusion, affection…
“Deborah and I had been teasing each other the entire afternoon, and if I’m not mistaken you even enjoyed seeing when she managed to fluster me.”
“...I won’t deny that…”
“So why did her final question bother you to the point of stepping in?”
“...I gave the reason, right?”
“As subtly as a bull in a china shop, but I know you well enough now to know that look in your eyes was not simply out of consideration.”
I look away from Richard and close my eyes. Their conversation plays back in my head, and even now it still claws at my back.
“...I hope I’m not being presumptuous, but are the rings you’re talking about for you and Seigi?”
“...They are. We decided to get matching rings.”
“‘Decided’? So they’re not for a wedding then. And obviously not quite a proposal, either. You were both very sudden and very obvious with my proposal, I remember.”
“We simply thought this was something we wanted to do together.”
“I’m glad, then. But that does make me wonder what you actually want out of your relationship, Ricky.”
“I—“
Richard was right that I enjoyed watching their banter. Deborah-san is surprisingly good at getting under his skin, and watching them made me appreciate the relationship I have with Tanimoto-san that much more.
But I wouldn’t even let Richard answer her question. I physically put myself between them, and told her to stop. That there was no reason to prod that deeply into our personal lives.
She… She seemed more amused than anything, I think. Surprised, sure, but…
And Richard is looking at me now the way he looked at me an hour ago, with a glare straddling the border between “reproachful” and “speak up.”
“...Are you sure you don’t want to get a shower first?”
“It’s still afternoon yet. If you really think this discussion will get long, we have the time.”
I figured as much.
“To put it pretty simply… Well, first, I like Deborah-san, so I don’t have any problems with her or anything.”
“I know.”
“I know you know, but she’s important to you, so I just wanted that on the table.”
He smiles at me then before taking on a solemn look. He turns himself on the sofa slightly to face me, so I do the same.
“I meant what I said… I don’t really like the idea of a third party making any judgments, especially when they’re someone close to one of us.”
His brows furrow then, and he leans forward.
“You know that wasn’t what she was doing, Seigi.”
“I know that! I do, I really do, it’s just, something inside me nearly snapped when she asked what you… Ah.”
“Seigi?”
“...Have I ever asked you that question? Have you… ever told me?”
He’s always been so good at following up on my own desires. He accepted my ridiculous job proposition, immediately took up the idea of getting rings when I brought up the idea… He’s had moments where he pulled me back toward him, but has he ever said where he wanted our relationship to go from here? The most he ever asked was back during my training days, where he wanted to see me at most a couple times a month…
“If you want something new or different from our relationship, I want you to tell me that because you want to. Not because someone else brought it up.”
Richard freezes momentarily, and his eyes wander around before finally settling with looking back down at his lap. He turns completely on the sofa to face me, his leg folding in on top of the sofa to accommodate.
“Then…”
He falters.
I reach out to put my hand on top of his, which sits balled into a fist on his knee. He relaxes slightly, and then finally looks back up at me.
“Is there something you want from me as your partner, Richard?”
“We...We’ve already gotten quite close. I’m not sure I could reasonably ask for more.”
“I asked to monopolize you as your secretary and you said yes. We’re well past reasonable.”
Probably caught off guard by my response, he goes from a choking cough to laughing, and he gently grabs at my hand as he leans the side of his head against the back of the sofa. The clouds in his eyes are gone, but something else wavers inside them instead.
“You‘ve gotten much more aware over the years, I see. Then I have two things I’d like to ask about. In theory.”
“...In theory.”
“In theory.”
It’ll do, for now.
“One: if I asked you to marry me, how do you think you would respond?”
“...In theory?”
“In theory.”
I watch as little flecks of pink dust his cheeks, and I’m starting to understand the insistence that this all be “in theory.”
How can someone be both the paragon of ethereal beauty and the most adorable person I’ve ever seen, all at once?
“In theory… I think I would ask you why.”
“...”
“Ah, not because I’m against it or anything, just… You know, is there a reason ‘partners’ isn’t working for you?”
He nods, apparently satisfied with my response.
“There’s a level of satisfaction and relief in something so easily understood by others. I agree that the only people our relationship should matter to is ourselves, but it is worth having something easy to explain to others. In addition, there are added benefits that only spouses can receive.”
I nod along as well. Yeah, that makes sense. And besides—
“You’d look so handsome in a wedding tux.”
He turns to put his whole forehead into the couch with a groan. What? Why was that one bad?
“...You, as well.”
“......What.”
“You severely underestimate how good you look in a suit, Seigi.”
“Are you trying to get revenge on me or something?!”
“Of course I am! You have me imagining us at the altar now!”
Wasn’t this discussion supposed to be theoretical? Why won’t my heart shut up? Why is Richard so red? Why is my pulse swimming in my ears? Why can’t we make eye contact?
Why is my heartbeat so loud?
Richard clears his throat, but it does nothing to get rid of the blush dusting his features.
“...It may be better if we don’t discuss the second subject.”
“Nuh-uh, I’m not letting you get away with that.”
I don’t really want to table this for now, either, since I get the sneaking suspicion this is all more than theoretical. If I was being really honest with myself, I’d much rather like none of this to be theoretical, but there must be a reason he’s framing it like this.
He looks at me with tired daggers. He shifts himself so that he isn’t leaning against the couch anymore, and pulls his hand away from mine as he uses the other to massage the bridge of his nose.
“...In theory…”
I nod.
“If I expressed interest in having…”
His mouth snaps shut, and I watch as it opens and closes a few more times before he gives out a resigned sigh.
“There is no pretty way to phrase this, and so as to avoid misunderstandings, I am going to be as straightforward as possible.”
I nod again, this time as I swallow. I desperately try to keep my hands from curling in on themselves, out of fear I could dig my nails in so hard I’d draw blood.
“If I expressed interest in having sex with you, how do you think you would you respond?”
Ah…
Maybe, I shouldn’t have pushed this.
It’s not that I find the topic awkward or anything. But…
“Hey, Richard?”
“...Yes?”
“I know I’m already being selfish in asking you to talk about this, but I have one more thing I want to ask.”
If I’m not imagining things, he shrinks back a bit. I’m sorry. I know you’re probably getting all kinds of awful ideas right now.
“I don’t… I don’t want to have this conversation if it really is only ‘in theory.’”
“...”
“I know it - I know this is probably a lot less ‘in theory’ than you keep trying to say, but I don’t... I can’t do that.”
I’m so much more selfish and greedy than you think.
I don’t want to take advantage of an opening you aren’t ready to give m—
“...You’re right. I apologize. I let my own fears get the better of me.”
“Fears…?”
Why would Richard be afraid? Have I given him any reason to think I’d react that negatively to a request? Or… Is it because I want something he doesn’t?
“I was… afraid of coming on too strongly. I wanted to give both of us an opening to escape, but I only succeeded in making you even more uncomfortable. ...But, since the topic has been brought up...”
The hand he’d pulled away from me now brushes against my cheek. I lean into that warmth, almost subconsciously, until it disappears. His hand snakes around to the back of my head, and it puts a little pressure there.
That’s his invitation, and I gladly let him pull us closer into a kiss.
It’s more chaste than not, outside of his habit of nibbling at my bottom lip, but it doesn’t last long before he pulls away and knocks our foreheads together.
“We have shared kisses like this a number of times now, and though I keep trying to tell myself that is all I ever want from you physically, I’m not sure how much longer those statements will remain convincing.”
His eyes are almost pleading with me, but I don’t miss the way his slim eyebrows are still bunched together.
“I want to bring you pleasure, Seigi. But I also want to feel that same pleasure at your hands. I have never regretting a single part of our relationship, but if my desire to become a part of you physically would change our relationship for the worse, then I’d rather keep it locked away.”
“...Me too, Richard.”
“If you’re only saying that to placate me—“
“Just listen to me, okay? I’ve felt this slow, creeping… desire… since Provence. It was so rare that I just brushed it aside at the time, but the more time I’ve spent with you, I…”
I push against his forehead a bit.
“Why do you think I’ve been so insistent on separate rooms lately?”
“...I had thought I was the problem...”
When I look back at his eyes, clear celestite stares back at me. Nothing clouds those beautiful orbs, and nothing ominous swims in their depths. I give in to the sweet pull I feel there, and kiss Richard once more.
Richard tends to be the one to initiate our kisses, and maybe that was part of what gave him the wrong idea.
So this time I throw away the embarrassment, and all the worries, and I just kiss him.
He welcomes my tongue into his mouth, and we each barely manage to moan out each other’s names before we’re robbed of sound. As we pull each other closer we eventually find ourselves fallen over on the couch. I brace myself on one elbow so my full weight isn’t crushing Richard, stroking his hair with my hand. My other hand follows Richard’s example, slowly tracing the lines of his torso as if trying to memorize every curve there.
When we pull away, desperate for air, we knock foreheads together again with a laugh.
We may need to take our time before we go any further than this, but that’s fine. We have all the time in the world, together.
Which reminds me…
“So, about getting married…”
I shift slightly so I can use both arms to brace my weight and give my best smirk. Richard responds with a good-natured grimace that quickly turns into a smirk of his own.
“My argument was convincing?”
“...Yeah. I have to admit, I hadn’t actually thought about it, since being with you was all that mattered to me.”
“I figured as much, and I do want you to know I’m truly happy about that.”
“Thanks. But you know, I think you’re right. Especially on the spousal benefits thing. We should look into that.”
I lean down just enough to peck the tip of his nose, and I do everything I can to smother the laugh threatening to come out at the comical way his wide eyes focus on that.
“I don’t even know how citizenship would work in that case, or how benefits differ between marriage and civil partnerships. I’ll go see if I can find some preliminary information ab— Richard?!”
Though I’d pushed myself up to my knees, ready to get off the couch, he leans up to grab me by the collar and pulls me in for a forceful kiss.
“I do appreciate how diligently my secretary works, but right now I’d much rather you switch over into ‘fiance’ mode.”
“F-Fia… Nn…!”
The word echoes in my ears, settling down gently in the corner of my heart devoted entirely to Richard. As his lips play over mine and I think over how I have a new name for our relationship on our ever-growing list, I’ve never felt so full of love.
...We’ve got all afternoon yet, but this discussion might end up getting a bit longer than I thought.