Work Text:
It was a cold night. Mud was seeping through his jeans where he sat near little brother's grave. Rubbing furiously at his eyes, sniffling.
"God!" he choked out"
"I can't believe you man!"
Its been three years. The older brother is still drowning in the ocean of dispair. He tries so hard to maintain some sort of balance, Dean will put his act straight back to normal, but Than his mask cracks open, and everything gets drowned in chaos of agony and emptiness. Leaving him chasing his shattered soul, gluing the tiny pieces.
"I try really hard Sammy. It was always for you, that I put on my best, for you, I would face the world with my head held high! You used to hold me together… Turns out you're my super dandy glue"
A broken chuckle leaves his lips, only to get stabbed in the heart. There's no Sam to roll his eyes on his stupid jokes. He took a trembling breath.
"I'm mad at you! I'm so mad you can't even..." shaking his head
" Don't worry I'll forgive you, I always do. Don't I? But not now Sammy! not when I know you chose to leave me." His hands started twitching, so he clenched his palms into fists.
"What were you thinking!" his voice got loud, anger cruised through his veins
" like sure, Dean can handle this, or did you think I wouldn't care? Oh, what ever, he'll get over this"
he was shouting and didn't care
"Well news flash Sam, I can't!" he rubbed his face roughly, stood pacing left and right in front of the grave breathing hard.
"God Sammy, how can't you not see that!" He swallowed a lump in his throat, words stuck refusing to get out. Sammy needed to know though. He must tell him,
"I know I had one job and I screwed it up. Taking care of you was more than a job, It's kinda who I'm, and without you here, I'm just a shell of the person you used to know!
your absence left a hole inside me, so big I'm stripped to my core, You are my better half, you are my conscience. It's you who made me good.... Without you I'm just an empty hollow...
I keep asking my self, what if I had told dad your dark thoughts? Would paying more attention to each word you said, never leaving for the stupid job, staying close by you. Maybe you would have been here...
I didn't want to betray you. The fear of you shutting me out froze me the second I thought about telling dad how much you were hurting inside . I was too caught up with my loyalty to you.
I was foolish to think I had everything under control, I was foolish to think, it was just a phase. Seeing you back to your cheerful beautiful self, I thought you were over it, and then Jess. God Jess! She came along and you had your beautiful babies, I thought we were out of the woods because of the apple pie life and white fence you always wanted...
He breathed out a long suffering breath
I thought it was you and me against the world
Dean broke down in big awful sobs. He sat down again willing himself to stop, bit his hand, then just gave up altogether and laid down near his little brother hugging the cold stone.
"I miss you so much little bro." he whispered
" I wish I could stay here with you forever, but I won't do that Sammy no mater how much I want to see you again, I won't. I promise you I'll take care of Jess and the kids for you. I won't give up, I will always keep fighting. "