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Evan didn’t know what he was doing.
Well, technically he did. He was hugging the school’s rage filled druggie. In the computer lab. After he screamed at him and had literally pushed him earlier that day. It wasn’t “what was he doing?” it was what was he doing ?
Connor seemed equally confused, stiff as a board (or more like a stick, he felt like he had almost no mass to him) but not saying anything or moving away. Evan went to let go, he really did, an apology already on its way out of his mouth, but Connor embraced him hard. He was so tall, bending down and hiding his face in Evan’s shoulder.
That’s when Evan realized he was shaking. He wasn’t the nicest of people. Not Evan, not Connor, but in that moment there seemed to be an understanding between them. Connor was the fragile one here, and Evan was, for once, stabilizing another. There was a quiet triumph to that.
Evan wondered if this was what his therapist meant when he said that even though he got anxious, he wanted to help others. That it was important to help others through experiences you’ve gotten through.
And based on the way that Connor was breathing raggedly, shaking like a leave, and clinging to him for dear life, Evan got the sense he was about two seconds away from, if not already having, a nervous breakdown. Connor had seemed ready to run away before, so the thought that he may have already been on his way to this struck Evan. His inclination was to take all the blame for it, but he knew that was unrealistic. Connor Murphy had been acting out long before Evan had ever said a word to him.
They just stood there, Evan glad that even with his broken arm he could support the weight of the boy hanging on to him for dear life. Evan was strong anyway, climbing trees and other general outdoors work had made him much stronger than he looked. He wasn’t sure how long they were like that, but the final bell for the bus had long since rung by the time that Connor stood up all the way, wiping his face on his sleeve. Evan could feel by the way his shoulder started to feel cool in the open air that his shirt was wet. It was a little gross, but he was just glad that Connor seemed to have calmed down.
“...Sorry. About that.” Connor’s voice was thin, and his eyes were red and puffy.
“Are you okay?” Evan fiddled with his shirt, unsure what else to say.
“Yeah. Whatever.” Connor sighed. “Don’t fucking tell anyone about this.”
“Okay, yeah, no, of course not. That’s personal, I get that. I hope I wasn’t intruding, though, y’know, when I… I mean, if you were having an anxiety attack or something, I do that. A lot. And I wish someone was there for me. My mom is, sometimes, but not at school. At school I just hide in the bathroom for like an hour.” Evan rambled. This was easier when he wasn’t expected to say anything. “That’s really sad, huh.”
“If you’re expecting me to become your emotional support dog, I’m not interested.” Connor snapped, picking up his bag. “I’m not indebted to you just because you fucking saw me cry. Plus you still wrote this shit.” He stepped on the letter, which had at some point floated to the floor.
“Th-that’s the thing, that’s just an exercise for my therapist. I didn’t mean for it to come off creepy. I’m bad at the whole- the whole words thing.” Evan made a face.
“Yeah, I noticed.” Connor seemed a lot less vitriolic than before, even if he was being less than kind. “...I’m not either, really. It pisses me off.”
“I mostly feel stupid.” Evan stated plainly. It wasn’t self-pitying at all, just a straight observation. Connor regarded him for a moment.
“Do you need a ride home or something? That’s the most I’ll do for you. Though, exposing Zoe to more of you is probably not the best idea, ya stalker.” There was no bite this time.
“Uh. I think my mom is picking me up, so no worries. She’s probably waiting for me.” Evan picked up his own bag.
Connor was quiet for a second, looking up at the clock. “Shit…. Can I ask you for a ride, instead? No way Zoe waited this long. Don’t blame her, either. I wouldn’t have waited for her.” He smiled just a little, like he found it amusing. If it was supposed to be funny, Evan didn’t get the joke.
“Yeah, no, of course! My mom’s really nice about that sort of thing. If she doesn’t get mandated a double.” Evan smiled back. “Might be a weird time to mention this, but she’ll be siked that you signed my cast.”
“Pfft. That’s weird.” Connor rolled his eyes. “Lemme grab a tissue and I’ll try my best to be a normal person for your mom. The siked will probably half if she finds out I’m a Disaster in Docs.”
Evan laughed despite himself. “No matter what you do, you’ll probably be more put together than I am.”
“Doubt. I am the messiest motherfucker on this planet.” Connor grabbed an entire tissue box from a nearby desk and put it into his bag. He seemed happy to make someone laugh when he knew they weren’t laughing at him. “Look, I’m stealing. I’m stealing from the school. Messy bitches only.”
Evan laughed harder. “No, don’t do that! If you wanna steal, steal from somewhere that provides the tissues. The poor teachers.”
“Ughhhhh, fine.” Connor took a huge handful and put the box back. “But only ‘cause you’re not being an asshole about this.”
--
Jared couldn’t believe what he was seeing. He was originally just going to go home when Evan said he was going to the computer lab. No big deal, Evan could do whatever. But then, of course, his mom shot him a text asking him to give Evan a ride home. Something about Mrs. Hansen getting mandated. Whatever, not an uncommon request. He’d get paid gas money by his mom for doing it, anyway, even though Evan’s house was on the way to his own. No biggie.
He didn’t expect to find Evan hugging someone, especially not Connor Murphy of all people. He knew Evan had a crush on Zoe, but friends with Connor? Or worse still, what if he had a crush on him, and Zoe was just a cover? That sounded like Evan, hiding shit from him. Yeah, Jared would have made fun of him, but he still wanted to know! They were friends, but when Jared was upset, where was his comfort? Sure, he never asked for it, but he shouldn’t have needed to.
Right?
He couldn’t hear what they were saying through the Computer Lab door, but seeing Evan laugh so genuinely at something Connor said made his stomach twist in a terrible way. He wanted to scream, barge in there, and he didn’t know why. He didn’t even like Evan that much.
Why did he never laugh like that when he made jokes, though?
Jared was seething when he noticed them coming out of the lab, and he took a few steps back. He forced a smile on his face, not wanting to show them that he was bothered. They didn’t get to know how he felt, fuck them.
“Oh, h-hey Jared!” Evan squeaked out, obviously surprised.
“S’up, acorn. You ready to head out?” He tried not to let the fact he was gritting his teeth show. “I swear, you never check your phone.”
“Ah, um, it died eighth period.” Evan mumbled.
“Shit, does this mean I have to hitch a ride with Klienman ?” Connor complained, sticking his hands in his coat pockets. Who wears a coat in fucking early September?
“Jared-” Evan began, but Jared dropped his smile and sneered.
“Yeah, no. I’m not gonna let this maniac anywhere near my car. I don’t want it smelling like smoke.”
“Jared!” Evan seemed surprised, but Jared wasn’t going to stop there. He couldn’t.
“Don’t think I didn’t see him push you down earlier. That your cute little way of showing affection? That why you harass your sister so much?” Jared gave a smug smirk. “Don’t know how to do anything but be an asshole, huh?”
“Now you’re just projecting, dickhead.” Connor growled back, bristling.
“Projecting? It’s the truth. Listen, Evan, I don’t care if you wanna fuck guys, but honestly, you’ll probably end up with a disease with him. God knows what he does for all those drugs.” Jared was pushing it way further than he usually would, and he knew it. He knew he was spitting venom, and for the moment, it felt good to. “Why would you even waste time on someone like him? The world would be better if he was dead, so why not let him run off and kill himself like he obviously wants to?”
Silence.
Connor looked like he had just been slapped across the face. Jared actually took a good look at him for the first time and realized... he looked like he had been crying. It suddenly occurred to Jared what that hug might have actually been.
Fuck.
No.
Wait.
“Okay, that was-” Too far, he wanted to scream it, say sorry, something. The regret was immediate, not at all worth the moment of triumph.
“What. The fuck. Is wrong with you.” Evan had never looked so mad in all the years Jared had known him. He was visibly shaking with how furious he was, and Jared wanted to run, hide, be swallowed up by the earth. “I don’t think highly of you, Jared. But this? This is a new level of low that I thought even you wouldn’t stoop to. We. Will. Walk. And you can head home by yourself. I don’t want to see you, talk to you, anything. I’d rather be a complete fucking loner than have to even look at you. I don’t even care if you tell your parents we still talk to keep your fucking insurance if it means that when you see me, you walk the other way. We are done. Friends, family friends, acquaintances, whatever. I am sick and tired of how you treat me and other people. Get your shit together and maybe someone will actually hang out with you because they want to and not because they’re desperate for even the tiniest shred of human interaction, because that is the only reason I ever talked to you.”
Once again, silence. Jared felt like his heart had been ripped out. This wouldn’t be the first time that someone said something like that to him, but this was the first time it felt like his entire world was crashing down into him. He felt sick to his stomach, like he was going to burst into tears, like he was going to fall apart.
Instead, he smiled like always.
“Fine, fine, fine. As long as I keep the insurance.”
And with that, he left and screamed the entire drive home.
--
“You didn’t have to do that. Not that I don’t appreciate it, just… I thought you guys were close.” Connor said after about a mile of walking. It wasn’t the first time he had o walk the four or so miles to his house, and from what he understood Evan lived even further away, but it was a nice day and they were both wearing comfortable shoes so it wasn’t a huge deal. Plus, Connor had never noticed before, but Evan was in really good shape. He wished he could manage that. Not the time to think about it, though. He had a little more tact than that.
“Yeah. Well.” Evan’s voice was wobbly. “We aren’t. His parents had to bribe him to hang out with me, so I’m sure it didn’t bother him that much.”
“Hm.” Connor looked up at the sky. “Maybe. You know him better than I do.”
Evan shrugged.
“He wasn’t totally inaccurate, though. You’d probably be better off letting me go off and go off myself.” Connor laughed like he was joking.
“Don’t say that.” Evan touched his broken arm subtly, but Connor noticed
“...Okay, I won’t say it.”
Now what? He didn't want to leave them in awkward quiet again.
“How’d you break your arm?”
“How do you think?”
Oh.
Oh .
“Shit dude, I’m sorry. Bad segue.” Connor tried to be casual, but it was a bit of a gut punch. He knew Evan Hansen was the quiet, lonely type, maybe a bit anxious, but… Well, you never really know a person until you talk to them. Assumptions were for asses.
“I’ve never told anyone that. I guess you seem the least likely to freak out or make fun.” Evan was looking straight down at his own feet.
“I… I can’t believe I’m saying this, but… If you give me your number, you can text me when you feel like that. I’m not the best at comforting, but god, you just look so fucking sad, and I just lost you the only person I see talk to you at school, so. Whatever. I keep owing you shit.” Connor stated awkwardly. “I said I wouldn’t be a therapy dog for you, so I’m gonna tell you all my dark shit, too. I-if that’s okay.”
“Y-yeah.” Evan looked up, and Connor was struck with how pretty the color of his eyes were. Blue, almost gray. “That’s totally fine. I mean, there are weirder reasons to talk to someone.”
“Of course.” Connor had to look away, too overwhelmed to keep eye contact. “I’ll tell you good shit, too. Duh. I mean, I don’t want you to dread a text from me.”
“I’ll send you the pictures I take. They’re really bad, my phone camera sucks, but I’ve seen some wildlife really, really close. Oh, and I have some amazing tree pictures!” Evan was loosening up, and Connor found himself smiling.
This was weird, but good weird. Maybe this could work.
Having a friend. Huh.