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Kyuhyun pushes through the double doors of the conference room.
Coffee in one hand, a briefcase in the other, he sighs and takes in the familiar scene in front of him. His dark eyes flicker over the bustle of professionals as they find their seats and take out their pens in preparation for the upcoming conference.
He runs a hand through his neat hair, ruining its style. He’s already exhausted, though he knows the worst is yet to come. Kyuhyun hates these things. Sitting in the dark for hours on end, hearing information he already knows, by people he can hardly stand, isn’t how he would prefer to spend his time. He can think of nothing worse than these semi annual conferences.
Even still, Kyuhyun is on time. He finds his seat quickly, and pulls out his pen and paper just like everyone else. As always, he feels a little... silly here. His tight suit is stiff, his face puffy with lack of sleep from the long journey to Seoul, and he feels uncomfortable in his own skin. Though he doesn’t doubt his own abilities, he never stops feeling awkward around others.
He still has a little time until the conference begins. Kyuhyun takes a sip from his coffee, sweetened with sugar and warm on his tongue. The woman beside him is typing on a computer, her nails clacking against the keyboard in a mildly irritating sort of way, so he rolls his eyes and ignores her.
The rest of the conference room is no more interesting, though. The medical professionals talk amongst themselves, in hushed voices with long, elegant words, their eyes confident and their postures straight. Kyuhyun leans his head on his hand, looking out into the crowd, trying to spot someone he knows. Being a neurosurgeon, or any other type of doctor really, is unexpectedly good for networking.
Sure enough, there are few faces amongst the crowd that Kyuhyun recognises. Lee Donghae, for example, is smiling in that bright, childish way of his - everyone knows he’s a genius in the field of diseases, but he has a sort of innocence about him that makes you forget it. Or there’s Kim Heechul, a well loved anaesthesiologist who seems to know everyone and everything there is to know.
These faces are vaguely familiar, but Kyuhyun doesn’t feel anymore comfortable when he sees them. He takes another sip of coffee, the bittersweet taste soothing, but not enough to loosen the tension in his shoulders.
A dark head across the room catches Kyuhyun’s attention. It’s a meaningless moment in time, it should be a second just like any other - but then the man turns his head, and his warm smile drains all of the air from the room.
“Kyu.” A nickname like honey, yelled happily in the classroom, whispered into his shoulder blade. A name that only sounded perfect on one mouth, a hushed word that belonged only to him.
Choi Siwon is tan, his hair dark and short and his eyes as welcoming as they’ve always been. His face hardly seems to have changed from the last time Kyuhyun saw him, though it’s been 20 years since their last meeting.
He looks so much like Kyuhyun’s memory of him that it’s painful. He sits in his long coat and dark scarf, his hair ruffled and his mouth twisted into that bashful, sweet grin, and Kyuhyun is taken back in time to the days where he was happy. The days his skin fit, the days he could be touched and loved without being scared. Those golden high school days when, just for a while, everything had been perfect.
Warm, tight arms, wrapping around his back over the classroom chair. Hair tickling his cheeks. A happy voice in his ear, “Good morning, Kyuhyun.”, making him giggle breathlessly. Kyuhyun plants a quick kiss on his cheek, making their teacher scold him. He’s so unlike the hard, icy person he’s always thought he is.
Kyuhyun blinks. It’s him. It’s Siwon, in front of him again, just across the room. Tan and beautiful, talking animatedly with his hands, making the man in front of him laugh.
His stomach drops. At last his heart catches up, hammering in his ears. Kyuhyun clutches his coffee cup hard enough for his knuckles to go white and looks away, ignoring the flush climbing up his neck. It burns across his skin. The room seems to overflow with memories - they flash mercilessly in front of Kyuhyun’s eyes, like a line of black film, tying itself in knots.
Sitting on the back of Siwon’s bicycle, clutching on to him as the summer air fluttered over their cheeks. Laughing, joyfully, like he never really could before - feeling like they’re the only two people in the world, and being glad for it.
Their first kiss, behind the high school, where Kyuhyun goes to smoke and think. Siwon leaning down, kissing him gently, telling him “Don’t be afraid.” But still Kyuhyun’s heart thumps dangerously, terror and happiness becoming one as he melts in Siwon’s arms.
Siwon singing in the shower, early one morning, waking Kyuhyun from his sleep. The low, gravelly sound of his voice - unpractised, but perfect to Kyuhyun. And Kyuhyun smiles into his pillow, closing his eyes again, the smell of Siwon still lingering in the sheets.
Kyuhyun swallows. His eyes flicker back to Siwon against his will. His coat is slightly oversized, so the sleeves cover his slender hands just a little. He twirls his pen as he talks, and Kyuhyun can just see the small dimple in his cheek, still the same as it was when they were in love.
Kyuhyun’s smile against his skin, branding him with his happiness, a warm, hopeful scar. He presses his mouth against Siwon’s dimple, that small dip in his cheek, and savours the chuckle that rumbles in Siwon’s chest. “Stop it, stop it.” Siwon would laugh, and flip him over to tickle him, and Kyuhyun would feel the brightness of the sun and the way happiness felt and he’d vow, secretly, to never lose it.
Kyuhyun scrubs his face. He can’t keep staring like this. But it’s difficult to stop himself gazing at Siwon, who he hasn’t seen in so long. All of a sudden he feels like his shy, awkward teenage self, who had written songs about the jock Choi Siwon who would never notice him (but who, miraculously, one day did).
“ You wrote songs for me?” Siwon asks. Cross legged on Kyuhyun’s bed, Kyuhyun’s confession is still stuck in his throat. But Siwon’s words are spoken with acceptance, and Siwon looks at him as if he’s special, as if he’s something precious. Kyuhyun nods, embarassed, not used to sharing. But Siwon doesn’t judge him. He holds out his arms.
Kyuhyun had sat at his piano every night after school, going over the melodies of his youth, his fingers dancing along the keys. The fiddle nervously with the lid of his coffee cup now and, when it snaps, he clutched at his pen instead, twisting the damned thing between his nervous fingers.
The conference will start soon. But Kyuhyun can’t pull his mind from Siwon, from their memories together - and most of all, his mind is fixed on all of the mistakes he can’t fix. All of the scars he can never fade, red and still blistering on both of their skin.
The lights in the conference room dim, the projector coming on and the speaker walking to the platform. Kyuhyun tries to focus, but as the room falls silent his eyes are dragged back to Siwon.
He’s sitting forward in his seat, his pen already poised at his paper and his face engaged. He looks so much like the diligent student he used to be that Kyuhyun wants to cry. See me, Kyuhyun thinks desperately, look at me.
Long, nervous days, sitting at the back of the classroom, gazing at the handsome boy at the front who scribbled down notes diligently. His heart fluttering, his chin on his hand. Look at me, he’d think, see me. Siwon was his first crush. His first love .
The early days when they were falling in love, but wouldn’t admit it. Like that first date at the movies, falling asleep on each other’s shoulders and missing half of the film, laughing about it later in Siwon’s car. And when their laughter died, Siwon taking Kyuhyun’s hand and saying, I had a great time with you, and Kyuhyun would be nervous but above all he’d be completely and utterly happy .
The lecture has begun, one of the doctors speaking to them, but her voice is inaudible to Kyuhyun. He can hear every promise they uttered in the dark, and they hurt. They’re painful, but he remembers every one.
I miss you, he thinks, and shakes his head. Kyuhyun forces the thought away, and focuses on the conference. He manages to take a few notes, the woman’s voice slowly coming into focus, though half of him still grasps onto his memories of his first love.
That summer. That blissful, perfect summer they’d spent happier than they’d ever be again. Eating ice cream together in the parlour by Kyuhyun’s house, sharing a bowl. Ice cream on Kyuhyun’s top lip that Siwon laughed at and kissed away. Afterwards Siwon would call him a child, ruffling his hair and scoffing as if he was annoyed, but there’d be this delightful little flush in his cheeks. Dusty pink. Sunkissed.
There’s applause. Kyuhyun claps politely, biting the inside of his cheek so hard it hurts. The next speaker walks on stage, and Kyuhyun wants to run away. His words are scribbled hastily, so unlike his usual neat notes. The woman beside him glances at him and raises an eyebrow.
The seconds drag, the clock ticking at half its speed, memories of Siwon stretching in front of him in an endless loop. Kyuhyun looks at Siwon again, who is taking a sip of his coffee, unaware that Kyuhyun is spiralling on the other side of the room.
There had been so much Kyuhyun had never said. He’s never been good at words or feelings, and the unspoken haunts him now. How cruel that Siwon had left before Kyuhyun could put into words the feelings that had burrowed deep into his heart.
He wants stand up and shout them in the conference hall until his throat is hoarse.
“I’m sorry.”
“I never meant to hurt you.”
“I was so scared.”
“Those days we spent together, I’ll treasure them forever.”
“You were the one person who understood me.”
“You made my life bright.”
“I always loved you, I was just too scared to tell you.”
“I miss you. I want to go back.”
But before Kyuhyun can do anything stupid, the conference ends. The last speaker’s voice fades away, and the lights come on. Everyone is standing, and Kyuhyun on auto pilot stands on shaky legs.
Siwon is standing, tightening his scarf and running a hand through his hair. He says something to his friend, but the words die in his throat when he catches Kyuhyun’s eye across the room.
Like magic the whole world stops. There’s nothing but the two of them, their eyes meeting once again. Kyuhyun’s heart is in his throat. Siwon’s smile, which had been bright on his face talking to the man beside him, fades. He blinks at Kyuhyun, as if unable to believe it’s him.
The moment he realises, it’s like Kyuhyun is watching his heart break all over again. His face crumples, but he holds Kyuhyun’s gaze. All at once the guilt and longing become unbearable and Kyuhyun has to look away, packing his briefcase again with trembling hands.
I’m sorry, he thinks, biting his lip, I’m sorry. Kyuhyun wonders what he should say. Should he welcome Siwon as if they were old friends? Should he apologise? Should he hold him tightly in his arms, and vow not to let him leave again?
“Hello.” A warm voice says.
It’s been so long since Kyuhyun has heard Siwon speak. He has this playful, lovely way of talking, as if the world is his best friend, and it hurts just to hear it.
Kyuhyun looks up. Siwon looks older up close, his face lined and worn. There are scars on his face, too, but those are explainable - Kyuhyun heard he works in foreign countries as an emergency officer, setting up camp in warzones and battlefields. Siwon would love the thrill and the danger. Most of all, he’d love the way he’d help others. He’d always been selfless.
Siwon holds out his hand. He smiles in that bright, polite way, his face softening when his eyes scan Kyuhyun’s face, and tears burn behind Kyuhyun’s eyes. Kyuhyun takes his hand.
And Siwon holds it warmly.
“Kyuhyun. It’s been a while,” Siwon says, “How have you been?”
Kyuhyun had imagined meeting him again on lonely nights, or on his lunch break, or in boring meetings that went on and on. It had always hurt to imagine, but in the loveliest way - a daring confession, a stolen kiss, a reconciliation.
He’s so nervous. He can feel his pulse, loud and strong. And he wants to cry, too, but he blinks away his tears fiercely.
“I’m well.” Kyuhyun says stiffly, his voice colder than he wants it to be. But this is how he’s always been. Siwon’s eyes widen when he hears Kyuhyun’s voice again, and Kyuhyun wonders what he hears. “I’m, um,”
Kyuhyun gestures to the room.
“I work in neurosurgery.”
“I know.” Siwon says warmly. “Do you enjoy it?”
Kyuhyun swallows. He pulls his hand from Siwon’s, and nods.
“I work mostly in Uruguay at the moment.” Siwon begins. He starts to explain his job, and Kyuhyun nods “I run a medical unit designated to better health care in impoverished areas. I’m on leave right now. I never usually come to these conferences.”
How is it that he talks the same, gestures the same, moves the same way he did all of those years ago? He’s still just as perfect.
His hands were rough from work, Kyuhyun thinks, but as warm as his heart.
“We both achieved our dreams of being doctors.” Siwon is saying politely, “Isn’t that wonderful?”
He speaks so casually, standing with his hands in his pockets, as if all the years between them have become nothing at all. He smiles thinly. Like Kyuhyun is a familiar stranger, a colleague Siwon has met once or twice.
Kyuhyun nods.
“Do you still sing?”
Kyuhyun nods again. Siwon smiles gently at him, and something inside of Kyuhyun breaks. How much pain Kyuhyun must have caused him. How much effort it must take for Siwon to be so composed.
“Did you enjoy the conference?”
Another awkward nod. Is this all he can do? The conference room is starting to empty, and Kyuhyun wrings his hands, already dreading the moment Siwon leaves him again. Another twenty years apart. Another step away from his youthful happiness.
What awaits him now is busy days in the hospital and lonely evenings and cold coffee and sadness. A longing for the past he can’t escape.
Against his will, a tear slips down his cheek. And another, dripping down his chin. Kyuhyun opens his mouth to speak, and closes it again.
Siwon’s casual expression slips, his polite facade almost falling away. Then his friend from earlier walks up to them and throws his arm over Siwon’s shoulder, and Siwon’s easy smile flickers back onto his face:
“Are you ready to leave?” The man asks happily. “Shindong” is written in embroidery on his suit.
“Yes, of course.” Siwon says. He looks at Kyuhyun once more.
He holds out his hand again. This time, Kyuhyun only stares at him, his tears falling steadily, until Siwon’s hand drop.
“Goodbye, then, Kyuhyun.” Siwon says. He looks at Kyuhyun one last time before nodding curtly and turning away. He doesn’t say, it was good to see you, because Siwon is a lot of things, but he’s never been a liar.
The sight of Siwon walking away is painfully familiar.
When Siwon confesses to him, a whispered i love you when he thought Kyuhyun was asleep, it’s terrifying. Like freefalling. It‘s fear which drives Kyuhyun to someone else’s bed afterwards, a heartbreaking betrayal he can never take back. It’s fear that makes sure he doesn’t stop Siwon after the yelling and the crying, when Siwon has looked at him one last time, and then slams the door behind him. They never saw each other again , until now.
Kyuhyun had let Siwon leave. Kyuhyun’s door had shut behind him, making a horrible slam that still haunts his dreams, and Kyuhyun hadn’t ran after him.
If he had, would they be happier now? Could they laugh and kiss? Would they sit at these conferences together, and would Siwon whisper all sorts of things in Kyuhyun’s ear, and would Kyuhyun scowl and pull away from him while secretly loving it?
He wants to go after him this time.
“No.” Kyuhyun murmurs, realising Siwon has disappeared through the double doors and through the crowd. “No.”
He’s running without realising he’s doing it, through the people, through the painful and lovely memories that he can never forget. Kyuhyun runs, tripping over his own feet.
When he’s outside, he stops and looks around frantically. It’s raining, pouring, already soaking Kyuhyun to the skin. He looks desperately through the rain drops and tailored suits and long skirts to try and find Siwon.
There, getting into a taxi, about to duck his head inside. Kyuhyun gasps and slips in the wet streets, but he runs until he can pull Siwon out of the car door and into the street.
Wordlessly, Kyuhyun wraps his arms tightly around Siwon and holds him close.
He’s warm and strong, his chest firm. He smells musky, like cologne and home, and Kyuhyun burrows himself deeper in Siwon’s coat, clutching at his sleeves desperately.
The rain falls, soaking them both to the skin. Slowly, Siwon lifts his arms, and wraps them around Kyuhyun’s back.
He has so many things he wants to say, but struggles to. Kyuhyun cries into Siwon’s coat.
Eventually, Siwon gently unwraps Kyuhyun from him. His eyes are suspiciously red, but all he does is smile down at Kyuhyun. It’s a real smile this time. The first real smile Siwon has given him since he left. Soft, bittersweet like his coffee, and honest.
“I’m sorry.” Kyuhyun finally says, choking on the words he’s held inside for so long. “I shouldn’t have let you leave.”
Siwon cups his face, holding his cheeks tightly as the raindrops fall around them. Kyuhyun’s dark hair is soaked to his forehead, even his eyelashes soaked, and he can’t imagine how tortured his expression must be.
“I forgave you a long time ago.” Siwon says.
Kyuhyun shakes his head.
“Idiot.” He says. “Don’t forgive me. Hate me. Curse me. I was so scared to love you, but I always did. I still do, after all this time.”
Siwon’s eyes crinkle.
“I imagined seeing you again so many times.” Kyuhyun murmurs, his eyes falling to Siwon’s curved mouth. “But even now I still can’t get it right.”
Siwon’s hand runs over his cheek.
“Kyuhyun.”
“Hm?”
Siwon’s eyes, glittering like the stars, his open, kind face. Still so youthful. Still so enamored with him. And Kyuhyun wishes he could’ve stayed with him. He wishes he wasn’t living this life, the one he made for himself.
“Did you imagine this?”
Siwon leans down and kisses him gently. It’s a kiss that’s old and warm compared to their young, inexperienced once. Siwon’s stubble brushes against his skin. Siwon leads the kiss, and his hands are firm on Kyuhyun’s soft cheeks.
“Yah!” A loud voice calls from inside of the taxi, “Are you coming?”
Siwon smiles sheepishly. He looks down at Kyuhyun fondly.
“Here.” He says, scribbling something on a piece of paper and tucking it quickly into Kyuhyun’s pocket, “Here’s my number. You want a second chance, right? Let’s do it right this time.”
Kyuhyun, finally, for the first time that day, smiles. He’s always wanted one. Siwon smiles back.
“See you soon.” Siwom says.
He ducks his head, preparing to get back into the taxi, but Kyuhyun grabs his wrist.
“Don’t leave.” He murmurs, looking down at the water slipping down the pavements. He feels like a kid again, scared of the light in Siwon’s eyes and the way he made his heart flutter.
Siwon looks over his shoulder, and he’s no longer the boy of Kyuhyun’s memories. He’s someone new. Someone lovely. Someone Kyuhyun can’t wait to get to know.
“I’m not leaving,” Siwon says. “I’m just saying goodbye for now.”