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this obnoxiously orange shirt paired with the leather jacket and a choker. nah, too much. how about the pink-striped sweater aaaand suspenders? no! come on pil, you can do better.
the brown suspenders soon join the sad pile of clothes on the tile floor. right now, wonpil has half of his closet scattered across the room, which isn’t a lot. wonpil’s not one to think much about what clothes he dons. if not for the occasional trips to h&m, courtesy to sungjin, maybe he’d only have 7 black shirts in his closet, one for each day of the week. but wonpil has a plan tonight, and for that, he has to dress to impress.
it’s a chilly night of new year’s eve, a moment wonpil’s been waiting for 3 years. he believes tonight is finally the right time to do it. before the clock strikes twelve, wonpil’s confessing his feelings to his best friend, jae.
☾
they first met in college, wonpil a sophomore and jae a junior. they were first introduced when one of the college bands needed someone to occupy a spot the original keyboardist left vacant. sungjin, wonpil’s roommate then and vocalist of said band, recommended the spot to him. wonpil agreed right away. he spent the entirety of his freshman year settling down in the city, he was more than ready to finally show his true colors.
third of september, wonpil came to his first band practice. there he met the people that would fill two years of his life with priceless memories, and a boy that’d show him how it felt to fall in love. alongside sungjin, there was brian in the bass, dowoon for the drum, and jae, the lead guitarist.
a small city boy and a foreigner, wonpil and jae surprisingly clicked. it wasn’t immediate. but after a few practices and band meetings, they soon found themselves sharing inside jokes, going to the small coffee shop behind the dorm before classes, and walking each other back to their rooms.
☽
wonpil pulled into jae and brian’s apartment lot for the new year’s eve party. in the end, wonpil resorts to a baby blue shirt with a simple denim jacket and plaid pants. after all the years they’ve known each other, jae should understand as much as the others how little effort wonpil puts into his day-to-day outfits. the sight of wonpil in a leather jacket and pants all of a sudden would probably result in jae choking on his fruit punch.
wonpil lets himself into his bandmates’ apartment. he’s met by a sea of guests, some he recognizes, some complete strangers to him. he tries skimming the crowd for familiar faces, his bandmates, him . it doesn’t take much energy to spot him. even in a room full of partygoers in their best outfits and dazzling makeup, nothing can capture wonpil’s eyes the way jae’s beauty does.
☾
despite the amount of time they spent together, wonpil hadn’t fallen for jae yet. sure, jae was ( really, really ) cute, but so were his other bandmates. jae was a nice guy, but he wasn’t necessarily the kindest person in the world.
his feelings changed on one particularly cold morning, roughly a year after wonpil joined the band. it was the weekend after a stressful week for wonpil, and he had planned to sleep in. the plan went awry when a phone call interrupted his slumber. he groggily accepted the call with a grunt. “hey,” jae greeted on the other side of the line. he sounded distressed. wonpil opened both of his eyes.
“what’s wrong?” wonpil asked, already getting out of bed.
“can you come over? i mean, to my room?” jae sniffled.
“yeah, yeah. just, give me a minute, okay?” wonpil swiftly pulled on his grey sweats and tiptoed to the door before riding the elevator to jae’s room.
☽
wonpil didn’t approach jae. instead, he bumped into dowoon. together they tried on the different choices of booze. now their cheeks are flushed, and wonpil feels a bit warm in his jacket. he opts to take it off.
wonpil deliberately checks his phone. 11:52 pm. he mentally curses himself for getting carried away before scanning the room to search for jae. the plan needs to be executed before midnight.
once wonpil finds him, he wastes no time in squeezing through the crowd to where jae is, next to some doors leading to wherever. he’s having an animate conversation with someone wonpil recognizes went to the same uni as them, but can’t put a name on. as he gets closer to the pair, wonpil can see how alluring jae is tonight. jae recently dyed his hair with golden streaks that’d look dumb on everyone else, but he pulls it off so flawlessly. he’s also wearing denim jacket tonight, a yellow flannel underneath it. if it’s a sign from the gods, wonpil hopes it’s a good one.
☾
“where’s brian?” wonpil asked when he saw the bed across jae was neatly tucked. he gingerly plopped on it. jae looked like he had been crying and wonpil was still in the dark on what might be the cause.
“where else would he be?” jae chuckled lightly.
“ah, right.” brian and dowoon had got together around that time. though, whatever it was that they had, it didn’t last very long. they agreed to remain best friends. “umm, what’s-”
“do you miss home, wonpil?” jae cut him off shortly.
“of course, yeah. i miss mom’s cooking, and bugging my sister,” wonpil told him, a bit taken aback. jae looked wonpil in the eyes for the first time since he walked into the room. he offered wonpil a weak smile.
“i miss my sister too.”
jae proceeded to elaborate on how the week treated him. he failed a test he’d prepared for weeks before, which earned him a rebuke from his favorite professor. he called his mom to talk about it but instead of support, he exposed himself to another scolding session. later, jae’s sister informed him how the atmosphere wasn’t the best back home. it was something regarding his mom’s siblings, but his sister assured him that it would be sorted out, he had nothing to worry about and to instead focus on his studies so he wouldn’t be scolded again. sadly, it only made him worry even more.
that morning, jae opened up about his nightmares, how it started soon after he moved to korea. the only person who knew that wasn’t a family was brian. as his roommate, he witnessed it with his own eyes, how jae would wake up in cold sweat. sometimes he’d scream, and brian had to wake him up before it got too bad. usually on the nights those nightmares occurred, he’d call his mom. she’d calm him down every time, would tell him to brew a chamomile tea and think of things that made him happy. but after what his sister said, he felt reluctant, almost embarrassed to contact his mom. he didn’t want to burden her any further. so he tried to ignore the nightmares once, twice, until that morning when he couldn’t handle it anymore. he woke up not being able to move his limbs, and just like that, he broke down.
they'd talked a bunch of times about different topics, but they were never as intimate. that day, wonpil saw another side of jae. the vulnerable side of jae that he’d perfectly concealed. wonpil always admired him for always appearing so tough and cheerful. but really, jae was only doing a good job at hiding his fear. he was no different than wonpil, feeling lost in someone else’s city. then, all wonpil wanted to do is to protect him, to convince him that he’d never have to worry anymore.
they talked about everything and nothing. jae told stories of his dog back in la, wonpil promised jae he’d take jae to his sister’s new cafe if they ever had the chance. “that’s a promise,” jae promptly said. as the day rolled on, they ordered takeouts and chatted some more.
jae’s eyes lit up when he chattered on about his dreams of performing world tours with his trusty guitar. “i mean it’s a dream i’ve had since middle school, it’s a bit unrealistic-”
“no it’s not,” wonpil curtly replied. jae smiled at that. wonpil revealed his hope of running his own piano academy one day like his parents did when he was younger.
“that’s awesome, pil! you’ve always been great with kids, it’ll be perfect for you.” wonpil gave him a small thank you. brian came back to the room some hours before sunset, and wonpil retreated back to his.
☽
wonpil asked to talk in private, so jae took him to one of the rooms. wonpil guesses it’s brian’s when he notices goldie, his bass, propped up on the wall beside a desk. “what’s up? i didn’t know you’ve arrived,” jae states once the door’s closed.
“i was with dowoon, trying the drinks.” the clock’s ticking.
“right, seokjin ordered a wide selection of them. it’s really cool,” jae looks like he’s about to go on so wonpil quickly interrupts.
“i see we don’t have much time.” wonpil feels a lump in his throat.
“yeah, they’re letting off the fireworks anytime now i think. wait, is something wrong?” jae furrows his eyebrows, worry slowly etching on his face. it’s now or never, pil .
“i like you, jae.”
☾
after that day, wonpil felt butterflies in his stomach whenever they were together. even after jae graduated and he graduated a year later, they and the rest of the band kept in touch with each other constantly. and along with his goal to open a piano academy, wonpil swore to himself he’d try with all his might to be with jae during his best days and his worst. through his world tour dreams and misery filled nights.
☽
silence ensues, one that lasts for mere seconds but feels like a lifetime for wonpil. then, jae laughs.
“i like you too, dumbass! that’s why we’re friends for years now.” wonpil feels his heart sinking to his stomach.
“no, no! i- i love you! jae, i love you. not only as a friend but something more than that. when you told me about the dreams you suffered from, the only thing going on in my head was that i wanted to protect you. it still is. i never want to see you cry, and i want to be the reason for your happiness. just- if you give me the chance, i can be there for you. always. i will,” wonpil rambles. he momentarily closes his eyes. nothing’s going exactly as he planned. i’m a mess, i’m a mess, i’m a mess .
another silence ensues. this time, wonpil can hear people beginning to shout the countdown to new year, though the shouts don’t compare to the drumming in his ears. his fingers tremble.
“wonpil,” jae starts. he’s avoiding wonpil’s eyes. “i can’t. i appreciate it, but i can’t say i feel the same.” and yet another silence.
ten
wonpil doesn’t know how to react. at that moment, he just wishes for someone to relieve the situation, for someone to do anything. the silence, the raging beating of his heart, is all too deafening.
seven
the door’s abruptly opened. the guy jae previously talked to peeps inside. jae quickly throws him a glance. “mark?” right, that’s his name .
“sorry for interrupting your.. whatever. c’mon jae, everyone’s counting together!” mark makes move to drag jae out of the room.
four
“we’ll talk later, okay!” jae half-shouts through the noise before the door closes with a bang. the room feels like dropping in temperature with every second.
two
wonpil stands in the middle of it, feeling so out of place. too many thoughts suffocate him. will love always be so confusing? what tricks will it play for wonpil next?
zero