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As he heard the bathroom door closed, Ten grabbed his phone from the bedside table. His phone had been in busy mode for the last couple of hours, but apparently it didn't stop Taeyong and Kun to blast his inbox with countless texts. Most of them were just cursing him for ignoring them and reminding him that they had a dance practice tonight—as if he would forget that, with their comeback was just around the corner.
"Ten?"
Looking up from his phone, he saw Yuta already dressed, long hair tied messily in a bun, his eyeliner was just as sharp as when they’d first entered Ten's room and Ten couldn’t help but lift a brow. "Yeah?"
"What are we doing?"
"Having fun," he drawled before redirecting his attention back to his phone, answering Kun and Taeyong's texts before they reported him as a missing person.
“Just a little stress relief?”
Ten scoffed, “exactly.”
Yuta picked his leather jacket from the floor, then looked at him. His gaze was direct and part of Ten wondered if there was a warning lurking underneath. “And when one of us is no longer having fun?”
“Then we stop,” Ten answered, tossing his phone on the bed. He stretched his body before standing and reaching for his own wrinkled pants.
“No hard feelings?”
Something unfamiliar crawled through Ten’s gut, but he nodded. A little distracted, he caught his reflection on the mirror. His hair was messy, there were bite marks sprawled on his chest. He shrugged, trying to tame his hand-mussed hair. "Yeah. No hard feelings."
☆
It was at Johnny's birthday party when they first met.
Of course, Ten knew who Yuta was. He was the guitarist and lead singer of Moondust, a rock band that was pretty popular. Yangyang, the youngest in his group, recommended their songs to him sometimes (and apparently he was friends with the drummer—Hendery or Henry, Ten didn't quite remember his name). He recalled Johnny had mentioned Yuta several times. But, that was the first time they actually talked to each other.
The birthday boy was dragged away by some other people after he introduced them briefly, leaving them both with only each other as a company. It was a little awkward, but it wasn't for long. After a long talk and a few lingering glances and one too many glass of whiskey, they found themselves exchanging heated kisses in a secluded balcony. Unfortunately, their short time in each other's embrace had to end abruptly when Jaehyun, one of Yuta's bandmates, found them and dragged him home since they had an early schedule for the next day. Ten couldn't help but felt a little bit disappointed when Yuta squeezed his fingers, as he whispered, "see you next time, handsome."
Their second meeting was not until four months later. It was at a charity event thrown by Lucas. At this point Ten started to wonder how many mutual friends and acquaintances they had and why they hadn't bumped into each other sooner.
After mingling with some of the guests for a little bit, he headed to the bar. He recited his order to the bartender, then watching the crowd while waiting for his drink. There were few people he knew from work, but still too many people he didn't know. Then, there he was, Ten saw him sitting on the other side of the bar, exchanging conversation with someone Ten didn't know. Yuta's hair was red, very contrast with the strawberry blonde Yuta he had kissed on Johnny's balcony last February. He almost looked like a different person.
However, when Ten approached him, after he got his drink and Yuta's company disappeared into the crowd, Ten realized he was still the same Yuta he briefly talked to a few months back. Smart and witty Yuta who did not hesitate to engage a meaningless banter with him. The same Yuta who talked excitedly about his music when Ten asked him about it. He even listened intently and seemed to be genuinely interested when Ten talked about his group's upcoming concert and the choreography he worked on for a special performance in the said concert. Yuta was a good listener, that was a new piece of information Ten found about him that night.
The night was getting older and he drank a little bit too much—they both did. They kissed in the secluded corner of the room and the next thing he knew they were both in the cab, on their way to his apartment.
He kissed him back just as passionate when Ten kissed him, pushing him toward the stairs to his apartment. Even with his eyes shut, he could navigate through his apartment by muscle memory. Jackets and shoes were thrown away somewhere on his bedroom floor. Yuta reached for his belt and the top button of his jeans, and he let him. They were on his bed and Ten slid his hand under Yuta's shirt as Yuta kissed him harder.
The rest was history.
☆
It was supposed to be a one time thing. Or so he thought.
Except it wasn't.
One night turned into two, and then three and then four. And Ten has lost count how many nights they had spent together. If anything, their nights together were growing more frequent.
Ten knew what to expect when he rang Yuta's doorbell or when Yuta showed up at his doorstep. There was conversation and a glass of wine. They talked about nothing in particular—the weather, Moondust's most recent world tour and their new song, Ten's upcoming solo debut, the newest gossip about their mutual acquaintances, or just anything. Sometimes, it was just a silent acknowledgement and their mouths curved in sardonic amusement. They fucked and Yuta (or he) would leave before the sun was up. Before anyone could catch the sight of one of them leaving each other's place and their names would be a headline on a tabloid.
That morning, he woke up when it was already bright outside on a bed that wasn't his. Ten had been in Yuta's room several time, enough for him to be able to recognize the interior, the familiar white walls and blue curtains, the guitar in the corner of his room, few posters of Yuta's favourite bands, the faint scent of flowers on his bedsheet, and he knew he was screwed. He wasn't supposed to oversleep. He was supposed to leave at dawn, as always, not to sleep until the sun was up and the sky was already clear blue.
He collected his clothes and immediately bolted out of Yuta's room, only to find the man sitting in the kitchen with only a sleeveless t-shirt and sweatpants. A cup of coffee in his hand and a large box of pastries from a bakery downstairs was on the table.
"Hi," he greeted Yuta, forcing a smile. "Sorry I overslept."
"It's fine. I didn't want to wake you up so I let you sleep." Putting down his cup of coffee, Yuta smiled back at him. It wasn't that smile he usually did on the stage or sometimes on bed, it was different—a little bit more genuine, and Ten felt his heart leapt into his throat.
"Well, you should have," Ten muttered under his breath. "I have to go now, I'll see you when I see you, I guess?"
"Stay for breakfast?" Ten wasn't sure it was an offer or a question so he just looked at Yuta, puzzled. Then, he repeated,"if you're not in a hurry, you could stay for breakfast."
His throat suddenly felt dry. "I don't think it's a good idea. I don't want to bother you more than I already have."
If some paparazzi saw him leaving Yuta's apartment, both of them would be fucked—not in the fun way. And it all would be his fault.
"It's okay, Ten. I bought more pastries than I can eat and the coffee is ready."
And who was he to say no to that smile and soft voice?
"Yeah. Okay. Breakfast sounds good."
☆
"So, you can sing and dance and apparently you have a talent to be a tattoo artist too? What can't you do, Ten?" Yuta might sound like teasing him, but Ten could hear traces of honesty in his voice. He was being earnest, Ten had spent too much of his free time with Yuta so he could tell the differences.
"Well, I did design my own tattoo," Ten chuckled at his compliment, as he finished the few last lines of his drawing on Yuta's arm. It was just a drawing of a sunflower, it was quite detailed even though only in black marker. Just black since Yuta was too lazy to fetch his stationery from his workroom.
They were both sprawled on Yuta's bed, with only bare minimum clothings covering their bodies, and a little bit tipsy from a few glasses of wine they had drunk. They were just talking about nothing in particular, just like they usually do after their sessions, then Yuta decided to open one of his bottles of wine and ordered some food. He even ordered a cake after Ten joked he wanted something sweet—to be fair he didn’t think Yuta would actually bought him a dessert, but he wasn’t complaining.
Maybe it was the wine, somehow they ended up talking about themselves. No. It wasn’t maybe Ten was pretty sure it was because of the amount of alcohol in their bloodstream. They did not do this. They didn't talk about their childhood, their dreams and insecurity, or simply what they did in their free time. They definitely did not draw on each other's skins like they just did.
"Is it done?" Yuta asked him.
Ten just nodded, reaching for the cap of the marker he put down somewhere on Yuta's bed.
Yuta inspected the drawing on his arm carefully, tracing the lines with his fingertips. His messy long hair fell on his forehead covering part of his face, his lips curved into an adoring smile. He looked soft and gentle like this. Ten really wanted to grab his phone and take his picture, capturing this different side of Yuta. A sudden realization dawned into him. There weren't many people who could see Yuta like this and something warm bloomed in his chest.
"It's really pretty," he said. "You're really a man of many talents, Ten."
"You're not so bad yourself," Ten snorted, showing off Yuta's drawing on his shoulder down to his chest. It was a drawing of roses and lilies tangled together in an intricate pattern. It was lovely. Ten wished it was an actual tattoo instead of something drawn by a marker and would be washed off when he showered.
"Well, thank you."
Yuta reached for a plate of their nearly forgotten half-eaten cake on the bedside table. He took a bite, then nonchalantly offering a forkful of cake with a slice of strawberry to Ten. Ten was sure his face scrunched in disgust at the sight of the fruit. "Not the strawberry."
"Why?"
"I don't eat fruits. Any kind of fruits, with no exceptions."
Yuta looked dumbfounded. "You're kidding, right?"
"Nope."
"Are you allergic?"
"No. I just don't like them."
"So, you don't eat fruit at all?"
"That's right."
"Okay." Still looking a little confused, Yuta ate the cake then feeding Ten another slice with no strawberry. "You do realize your no fruits diet could be a health hazard right?"
"I still drink juice. And eat vegetables. Why would you care about my eating habit?"
"Dunno. Maybe I don't want you to get sick?" Yuta shrugged.
It wasn't until later, he realized he was playing in the dangerous territory. This whole thing with Yuta was supposed to be just having fun—like he had said earlier on their arrangement , no strings attached, definitely no feelings involved, yet somehow he felt he already crossed the line.
Suddenly, it didn't make sense. He wasn't supposed to stay until morning to have breakfast with Yuta. They weren't supposed to lay down on bed after sex, talking for hours before they fell asleep. They were not supposed to draw on each other's body, feed each other, and enjoy an expensive bottle of wine while watching the city lights from Yuta's window. Seeing Yuta wasn't supposed to be the highlight of his week. He couldn't help but started to wonder what they were doing.
Something had shifted and it terrified him.
☆
"I like this." Ten touched Yuta's newly dyed hair. It was platinum blonde with a tint of lavender. He trimmed the edge a little, so it was a bit shorter. Yuta still looked inhumanly gorgeous, nonetheless. "It suits you."
"Oh. I know. I look pretty, right?" Yuta said with a playful smile.
Ten rolled his eyes, "don't get ahead of yourself."
"Yeah. Of course, you're prettier. We all know that," Yuta winked at him. That mischivious smile was still on his lips and all Ten wanted to do was to kiss his stupid smile.
Well, he could if it was only two of them. Too bad, tonight was not their usual night together but a public gathering—an after party of an award show. He didn't want to risk it with that many witnesses, not to mention there were some journalists around.
He could only laugh at Yuta's attempt of flirting. Even though, to be fair, he didn't need it. He already had Ten wrapped on his fingers. But two people could play a game, so he quipped, "are you sure? Don't you have a mirror at home?"
Yuta barked a loud laugh. "That was horrendous, Ten. Really terrible. You could've done better."
"For what? Impress you? I don't need to."
"Yeah, you're right. You had impressed me enough with your solo performance tonight," Yuta said, earnestly. The gaze of his brown eyes looked gentle, his lips formed into that honest and adoring smile. The smile Ten had grown familiar with for the last few months, the one he only ever witnessed a handful of times behind the closed door when it was only two of them. And Ten had to suppress the bubble of affection that suddenly rose to his throat. "It was terrific. I really couldn't take my eyes off you. You were amazing."
"Thanks," Ten's answer was no louder than a whisper. Almost everyone he met tonight praised his solo dance performance, yet a compliment from Yuta felt different. Something warm slithered into his chest, it still felt strange but no longer unfamiliar. "You guys were amazing, too."
That was a lie.
Yes, Yuta's performance was stupendous. He sang his heart out and his voice was as beautiful as always, especially in the last song—it was Ten's favorite. However Ten didn't really pay attention nor cared about the rest of his bandmates. Yuta was the brightest star and Ten was unable to look away even when he tried. He dazzlingly shone, Ten couldn’t help but stare even when his light was blazing so bright it burned him.
"Thanks." Yuta smiled again.
"The last song? I've never heard it before. Was it new?" Ten asked, genuinely curious. He had listened to all of Moondust's discography, he knew their songs almost as well as his own songs, but the last song they had sung tonight was foreign to him.
" Cosmos ? Yeah. It will be on our new album. Do you like it?" Yuta's eyes lit up, as always, when he talked about music.
"I loved it! Your guitar solo was phenomenal and you sounded extraordinarily good."
"I'm glad you love it. It's my baby, I wrote the lyrics."
Ten was about to express another string of compliments when someone interrupted them.
"Yuta?"
The man was handsome and tall. Taller than Ten, obviously, slightly taller than Yuta. He wore a perfectly pressed three piece suit. His face looked very familiar, Ten was sure he had seen this man somewhere.
Yuta's eyes widened in shock when he saw the stranger. Ten could sense Yuta's body tensed next to him for a few seconds, before he composed himself. Then he said, "Sicheng, hi. Long time no see."
Suddenly it clicked on his brain. Of course he looked familiar, Dong Sicheng was a quite well known actor. Taeyong had been trying to get him to watch few of his dramas, but Ten was too lazy to watch it. He didn't know Yuta personally knew him, though.
"Yeah. It has been a while," Sicheng responded. "How are you?"
"I'm good. Better than the last time. How about you?"
"I'm fine too."
"Good to hear that."
There was a thick invisible tension in the air. Something was definitely going on. It was awkward and uncomfortable, even for Ten who didn't know what went down between these two people in front of him.
He was trying to slip away silently, avoiding the suffocating air around them, letting Yuta and Sicheng to talk privately if they needed to. Settling down whatever predicament that landed them on this thorny situation. However, luck was not on his side tonight because Yuta suddenly said, "Anyway, this is my friend, Ten. I’m pretty sure you already know him."
He cursed Yuta silently, but he still went along with it. "I'm Ten. Nice to meet you."
"Sicheng. Likewise."
They talked for a few minutes, mostly about nonsense, a little about their work, before Yuta finally made an excuse to leave. Yuta snatched a glass of champagne when they passed the open bar. Striding around dozens of people, he went to the balcony. He didn't even seem to notice Ten was following him, as he looked a little surprised when he realized Ten standing next to him, leaning on the balcony railing.
"Sorry about that," he mumbled under his breath before chugging a whole glass of champagne.
☆
“Can I ask you something?”
“You already did.”
“I’m serious, Yuta.” He lifted his head from Yuta’s shoulder, looking at him dead in the eye. “But you don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to.”
“Go ahead.”
“What’s going on between you and Sicheng?”
For a second, Yuta looked visibly tense, fingers fiddling the seam of his blanket anxiously. Ten felt a little bad for him since it was obviously something Yuta didn’t like to talk about. But, the cats were out of the bag. There was no take back now.
He couldn’t retract his question, however he realized the implications of his question. He was curious, but it wasn’t his place to ask. Who was he, demanding to know about someone who might have a relationship with Yuta in the past?
“Sorry,” Ten said. “I’m being nosy. It’s none of business. I’m sorry.”
“No. It’s okay. It’s just—it has been a while.”
“Is he your ex?” he prompted.
“No.” Yuta shook his head. “I slept with him, we never had an actual relationship though.”
“Like us?”
“Yeah.”
Suddenly, his mouth felt dry. Of course this kind of arrangement wasn’t new for Yuta. It wasn’t new for him either—an actual relationship took a lot of effort and between his schedule, he didn’t exactly have a lot of time for it. However, he never stuck with only one person for as long as he had with Yuta. Yet the thought of someone else was in his place probably long before he even met Yuta set something unpleasant on his chest. He hated it.
“What happened?”
“He wanted more,” Yuta averted his gaze when he said this. His voice sounded distant. “He wanted an actual relationship.”
“But you didn’t?”
“I did, actually.”
Ten felt his breath hitched on his throat. This was not what he was expecting. His mind started to run wild. If they had wanted the same thing, why didn’t they go for it? Had Yuta loved him? Was he still loving him now? Suddenly, something inside of him stiffened up, it was tense. It scraped the bottom of his stomach, green-eyed and hungry. Ten pushed it down, it wasn’t the time to be jealous.
No, he should never have to be jealous in the first place. He was not Yuta’s boyfriend —h e wasn’t even supposed to fall for him.
Yuta continued, “but I got scared, and I pushed him away.”
He reached out for Yuta’s hand, interlocking their fingers together. “What were you scared of?”
“I don’t know. Everything I guess,” he shrugged. Ten could feel Yuta held his hand tighter. "Let's just say my last relationship—the serious one—was not going very well."
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."
"I will tell you the whole thing. Maybe … someday. But, in short, he wasn't a good person. He always had something bad to say about me, always monitoring where I went and with whom I hung out, he got violent sometimes.” He stopped talking for a few seconds, letting out a heavy sigh.
With his free hand, Ten reached out to him, caressing his cheek gently as if a little more than a feather-light touch could break him. Yuta closed his eyes, leaning into his touch. He whispered, “Yuta, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It was a long time ago.” Yuta turned his face, kissing the palm of his hand. A small gesture that made his heart beat a little faster and his cheeks felt a little warmer. “I left him but somehow what he did left marks on me. I was afraid other people might do what he did. So I never really committed to another relationship. When Sicheng told me he wanted more than what we had, I was terrified and I started overthinking and I ended up pushing him away. I just … I just didn't want to get hurt again."
Ten wasn't sure what he should say. All he knew was his heart ached for Yuta . He wanted to find this man who had wounded him so bad, he wanted to cause him so much pain just like he had done to Yuta. He also wanted to hug Yuta, to tell him he would never let anyone hurt him ever again.
And so he did. He pulled Yuta to his embrace, wrapped his arms around him, rubbing his back gently. None of them said anything. They just stayed like that, hugging each other for minutes maybe for hours—Ten didn't know. He just wanted to hold Yuta as long as he could, loving him like this, silently. Before reality crashed down to him and they were back to their usual arrangements.
He knew he couldn't tell Yuta. Not if Yuta would push him away later. He would rather have Yuta like this than not at all.
☆
“Yuta?”
“Hmmm?”
“Do you ever wonder about what you could have had with Sicheng?”
“... Yes.”
“Oh.”
“But not anymore. Not in the past few months.”
“Okay.”
☆
The thing that Ten realized a little too late was, it wasn't easy. It wasn't easy to be in love with Yuta, had sex with him, then pretending it was nothing more than a good fuck. Sometimes, he would close his eyes and focus on the heat of Yuta’s skin against his, his kisses and touches. This way he could almost pretend that this was so much more than whatever it was.
His heart hurt but it was mostly background noise these days. How all of these feelings didn’t swallow him whole, he would never know. Sometimes, he wondered how many more times he could do this before his heart just turned to ash. However when it came down to choose between letting Yuta go completely and stealing a few hours every week to see him, to have Yuta even though not the way he wanted to, he still chose the second option. Love really did make you dumb, he noted.
He didn't realize the choice was never on his hand.
When Yuta texted him if they could meet. This wasn't what he had in his mind. When Yuta stepped in his apartment, he noticed something different. He looked a little lost, but there was resolve in his eyes.
"I think we should stop this—whatever is this," he said.
Dozens of replies popped off in Ten's brain, but only a single word passed his lips. "Okay."
Yuta looked a little taken aback. He faltered for a split second before he echoed, "okay?"
There were so many things he wanted to say, how much he loved Yuta, how he wanted them to be more—to have a serious relationship. But he knew it wouldn't change anything. Yuta had made up his mind all he could do was to respect it.
"Yeah. Okay," he said as he felt like something had broken inside.
"Don't you want to know why?"
At this point, nothing could hurt him more than this. "Do tell."
"I'm—I'm falling in love …."
He was wrong. The fact that Yuta loved someone else broke him more than he could think. Who was the lucky person? He wondered. Was it Sicheng? Did they finally talk and resolve whatever issues they had? Or was it a different person entirely? Truth to be told he didn't particularly care whoever this person was, as long as they made Yuta happy.
"I understand." That was all he could say. "Goodbye, then."
Yuta looked at him in the eyes, taking a deep breath, then he said, "I initially didn't want to tell you this, but you deserve to know." He closed his eyes and took another deep breath. Ten waited. "I'm in love with you, Ten. And I couldn't do this anymore—not when you didn't feel the same."
Ten felt dizzy and lightheaded. "What?"
"Yeah. It's okay, though. You don't have to love me back just because I do. You're not responsible for my feelings." Yuta smiled at him lovingly—it was that one smile Ten always loved to see, except his eyes weren't twinkling with stars like they usually do. His eyes were forlorn and sad.
Ten felt stupid all of sudden. How could he think Yuta didn't love him back when he always looked at him like that? With that smile and stars in his eyes. However Yuta was just as dumb he couldn't tell Ten loves him. Maybe they were both stupid and should've used their words instead of pining silently.
Without thinking, he said, "how could you think I did not love you? I have been in love with you for a while now. I didn't tell you because I was afraid you would push me away. And yeah, we're both dumbasses who don't know how to properly communicate."
Yuta looked dumbfounded for a few seconds before he bursted into laughter. Ten couldn't help but laugh with him. Looking at Yuta, he thought about how much he wanted to kiss Yuta's stupid smile.
He realized he could kiss him now—so he did. Yuta kissed him back, softly, tenderly, as if he never kissed him before. Ten felt like he was drowning in his feelings, but it was no longer suffocating. He could breath now.
When they parted, he asked, "are you still afraid, Yuta?"
"I am," he answered, honestly. "But I don't want to be anymore."
☆
"Hey, Ten."
"Yeah?"
"Do you remember Cosmos?"
"Of course. It's literally my favorite song to this date. And not only because you write it."
"That song was about you."