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He wasn’t consciously trying to smite the first.
But then - Kaworu was being pushed up against the wall, Shinji was yelling something incoherent, and he was panicking. Somehow he’d managed to contrive an angry reaction once again. And if it weren’t for Shinji passing out right after that, he’d probably have ticked him off even more.
Sometimes Kaworu thought Shinji was like other Lilin, and other times he knew he was not. Every bell ringing in Kaworu’s head that urged him to try and connect with the dark-haired boy was seemingly working against him. He could never quite get it right, each conversation ending with Shinji rushing away hurriedly and Kaworu’s ever-present confusion intensifying.
Perhaps Kaworu’s attempts at salvaging any kind of relationship were futile, and maybe he’d have eventually given up. He knew his destiny. It might’ve been a wise choice on Shinji’s behalf to detach himself from Kaworu altogether.
But things were different now.
The first battle without the second had not been an easy one for any of them. The first had lost her life, Shinji had lost his hope, and Kaworu had lost any inkling of an uncaring attitude towards the third child.
What once was a dry sense of fascination towards Shinji’s odd nature had now become a damp, stifling mess of something so new and terrifying Kaworu’s head grew dizzy trying to decipher it. The first had somehow died and rebirthed herself simultaneously, and Kaworu was the one left to carry the burden of it all. He had never asked for this to happen. No one cared if he was uncomfortable with it.
But like all things thrown Kaworu’s way, he tried his very best to take it in stride. Laughing, almost scoffing at the notion that the feeling was anything other than temporary. He’d only been a vessel for the angel’s attack plan, nothing more. The water flowing out of his eyes was certainly not his.
Seeing Shinji in the locker room, looking more dejected than ever, had eased Kaworu’s worries at first. He’d try to talk to him. Just like every day. Shinji would probably get flustered, he’d probably storm off, and Kaworu would try to comprehend it all.
Growing closer brought a small weight upon Kaworu’s chest.
I’ll ignore it. It’s only the angel lingering. Only the first lingering.
Shinji ignored him too, refusing to even lift his head and look Kaworu in the eye. The weight morphed into something stronger. Like the moon pulling the tide in, Kaworu’s normal disposition was shifting. He didn’t want to sacrifice this confrontation. He wanted Shinji to look at him. Desperately. He wanted Shinji to look at him.
So Kaworu told Shinji how he truly felt. The first hadn’t been thinking straight.
And so ensued the pushing, the yelling, the panicking, and the fainting. Shinji was close enough that Kaworu could feel his warm, heavy breaths of distress and exhaustion, could hear his delicate heart beating as fast as it possibly could. He stopped Shinji from falling, propping him up weakly as the weight shifted once more.
What is happening to me?
Dragging Shinji to his room wasn’t as difficult as he thought it’d be. Getting proper help was not difficult. Telling Major Katsuragi about what had happened wasn’t difficult.
What was difficult was when Shinji slowly opened his eyes and Kaworu’s stomach squeezed itself into a tight knot. That hadn’t ever happened before. Kaworu released a breath he did not know he’d been holding in and waited for Shinji to move or speak.
It wasn’t until later when Shinji was crying over the loss of the first that Kaworu realized the strange effects from the battle might not ever go away. His head ached, his fingers shook on their own, and the warmth in his chest was so unpleasant and hot that Kaworu just had to sit himself down by the bedside to try and make sense of it all.
Shinji didn’t notice, of course. Why would he? The first was gone. All he cared about was the first.
Despite his indifference, Shinji had yet to remove himself from Kaworu’s room. They hadn’t talked much at all, though Kaworu had tried. For some odd reason, he could not relax. The weight from earlier had alleviated itself, but Kaworu’s mind was one-track - glued to the boy currently pressed against the edge of the bed, hugging his knees.
He’s been here for so long but he’s hardly said a word. Why is he still here? Is there something he wants to tell me? Why doesn’t he just say it? Why doesn’t he just leave? Why doesn’t he just come up here and tell me what’s wrong? Why doesn’t he just…
Kaworu stopped himself before any other foreign thoughts invaded his mind and willed himself to focus on the magazine clutched between his palms. He hadn’t even noticed how tight his grip was. Learning about Lilin culture suddenly seemed so disinteresting. Boring, even. He couldn’t take the silence anymore.
“You’re not planning to leave any time soon, are you?”
His voice rang out clearly, loudly, occupying the silence in his typical invasive way. Kaworu had never felt so unsure of himself. Shinji did not react.
“Why have you not gone home yet?”
“This is the best place for me to be right now,” Shinji replied.
The weight died down again, granting Kaworu a bit of light relief.
“And why is that?” he asked, pushing himself to the edge of the bed, finally taking a look at the bitter boy who constantly wanted to get away from him.
“Because...you’re the only one who isn’t upset about Ayanami. If I go home, Misato will be there. She’ll try and comfort me,” his weak voice was completely defeated, no instance of anger or distaste towards Kaworu. Something within the white-haired boy’s chest fluttered.
“But if I’m alone...it’ll be much worse. So I’m here with you.”
Does this mean he likes me now?
Kaworu smirked as the weight shrank ever smaller. His confidence was returning. If anything, it was returning tenfold, and he felt much lighter than before.
“You know, you didn’t even ask if I was okay with you staying here,” he said, shifting himself closer to Shinji’s side. If Shinji was bothered by the closeness, he didn’t show it, remaining in the same pathetic position. “Maybe you just figured as much since I brought you here after you passed out.”
Shinji was silent once more. Kaworu’s smile faltered. Something was pushing against his organs, attacking his throat - a rare and hypnotic feeling much more intense than any angel battle, sweeter than any piece of music Kaworu could imagine playing.
No. I’m not going to let him ignore me.
“So you don’t like me, but you’re comfortable here?” Kaworu said as he wrapped his arm around Shinji’s shoulder. It was a final attempt at figuring out the strange boy, but more than anything it was a test. A test to how far these strange weights and feelings could go. Shinji tensed slightly at Kaworu’s touch but still, he said nothing.
It was a horrible idea to try and take it that far because Kaworu’s head and heart were now suddenly being pumped with a straining sensation far more unbearable than any of the others. The sides of his head were red-hot, his insides were nothing but dread, and he realized he could not tell how he actually felt about the third child, the first, and everything in between. It was all uncertainty, and the only thing Kaworu was entirely sure of was the fact that he did not like any of it.
“Fine. Whatever. Use half the bed if you want.” The words were flowing out of Kaworu’s mouth before he could even attempt to recognize how to deal with all the conflicting thoughts bouncing around. He lifted his legs quickly, turning away from Shinji and throwing his body roughly onto the mattress. Kaworu’s eyes were greeted with the grey misery of a blank wall, his eyebrows knitting themselves into a frown, lips in a pout not unlike Shinji’s himself.
He won’t even react to what I’m saying.
He’s so torn up over the first.
Why should she get any sympathy?
She never even did anything substantial.
At least I managed to come out alive.
I’m still here.
Does he care that I’m still here?
What did I ever do to make him hate me?
Why won’t he look me in the eye?
I think I was happier when he got upset.
I think I wanted him to acknowledge me.
The first is nothing special.
I just want him to be my friend.
I just want him to like me.
Why is he so odd?
He is not anything like the Lilin I see in film.
He is not anything like the Lilin I’ve met before him.
He is not like any other Lilin, I’m sure of it.
WHY DOES HE HATE ME SO MUCH?
What makes me different to him?
Why does he…
I just want him to look at me.
He doesn’t know what I’m thinking of right now.
He wouldn’t care.
He only cares about the first.
Why do I feel so strange?
Why does he act like that?
I don’t think I could ever look him in the eye again.
If he did look my way, I’d probably run.
No, I wouldn’t do that.
I just want him to
I don’t understand anything.
I don’t understand.
I don’t understand.
How long had he been in his head for? Kaworu wasn’t sure. It could’ve been hours, days even, none of it would make a difference. Shinji eventually stood up and turned out the lights, taking his respective place on Kaworu’s right side and pulling the blanket up from the bottom of the bed. Kaworu forced his eyes shut, not daring to move a muscle or make any noise.
Kaworu didn’t sleep. How could he? He was different now, and different was not what he wanted nor needed in his existence.
Different was good, interesting - when it came to Lilin.
Different was confusing, awful, sickening, loathsome, mind-numbing - when it came to beings like Kaworu.
Is this the curse of a Lilin body?
Shinji quickly fell asleep next to him, his chest softly rising and falling. Kaworu could hear him breathing, could feel the lovely warmth radiating from his presence, but he would not turn over and stare at him. No, he could not indulge himself in that. It might lead to something dangerous.
The feeling in his gut was not something to be discussed. Kaworu could pride himself on his perseverance later. He would be happy with the decision he was making, once he fulfilled his purpose. Once he…
Oh god.
The Third Impact. It didn’t matter anymore.
Why didn’t it matter anymore?
All Kaworu had ever known, all Kaworu had ever known , did not matter. His entire reason for being at NERV, for communicating with the first, for trying to befriend Shinji Ikari, did not matter.
My instinct is still there, but this weight has made it minimize itself. I’m not indifferent. I don’t care. I don’t care…
Kaworu’s reasons for growing closer to Shinji had not been merely due to his own curiosity towards the daily lives of the Lilin, but at the end of the day, it had mostly come down to that. He’d been instructed to try and grow closer to his fellow pilots, but it wasn’t enforced, hence Kaworu being pretty alright with Shinji running away every time he drew close.
But now there’s no excuse. I cannot tell myself that’s why I want to be around him. It doesn’t matter anymore. There is no real justification for my want to look at him, this need to touch him, this desire to…
Kaworu’s train of thought was penetrated by a pained, shaky gasp of breath. His eyes burst open just as quickly as they’d once shut. Another gasp, louder this time, indicated that Shinji was hyperventilating once again.
Pushing himself to forget everything he’d been thinking about prior, Kaworu made the decision to lift his body up for the first time that night and look at the boy lying next to him.
Shinji’s face was racked, twisted into an expression of tremendous torment. He was shaking all over, his little body struggling to find a place of comfort under the heavy blanket, and his forehead was soaked in sweat.
Kaworu felt a sharp pull at his heart, the heaviness of the awful weight overtaking him once more. Shinji was in pain, he needed help, and Kaworu was not sure how to help, or if it was even appropriate for him to try and fix this. His first instinct was to grab some kind of bag that might be able to control Shinji’s breathing, but Kaworu knew there was no such bag within his room. Besides, there was the issue that Shinji was ostensibly still asleep. How could Kaworu do anything to stop his panic attack without waking him?
Another thought crossed Kaworu’s mind, one that he probably shouldn’t have entertained for even a second, but the weight and the panic and the question of what to do next was too overwhelming.
He’d seen it on television, once. A man saving a woman’s life by putting his mouth against hers to control an erratic breathing pattern. Kaworu didn’t know how it worked. He didn’t know whether what the Lilin broadcast on TV was the whole truth, but since Kaworu had discovered he was not sure of anything anymore, he slowly crept over to Shinji’s body and pulled him forward.
Shinji’s eyes were open now, he could see Kaworu before him. He probably knew something of what Kaworu was going to do next, but he was still gasping, and Kaworu was still conflicted, so he leaned down and pressed their mouths together.
As Kaworu tried to move his mouth in a way that he thought might aid in bringing an end to this sudden attack, he knew he was being selfish. He knew to put his mouth on Shinji’s probably would not actually do any good. It was an excuse. Nevertheless, he pressed his hands against Shinji’s cheeks and pulled his head up from the pillow, inhaling and exhaling deeply. His chest felt free, but his stomach felt tight. Shinji let it happen, his left hand grabbing onto the back of Kaworu’s shirt.
Kaworu held Shinji for a few seconds more before releasing his grip, bringing in the cool air that felt awful in contrast to Shinji’s warmth. He kept his gaze locked onto Shinji, who was flushed and stuttering and nearly breathless, but no longer panicking. Kaworu’s method had actually worked. And even better...Shinji did not yell, did not frown, or grow angry. Kaworu broke out into a huge grin.
“I’ve settled your breathing now. I didn’t need a bag after all.”
Kaworu supposed he shouldn’t have been entirely surprised by the palm shoving against his chest, but it still came as an unwelcome shock.
“What are you doing!?”
Then arrived the disappointment.
Shinji’s face was the reddest Kaworu had ever seen it, but he could immediately tell that this expression was not the typical “you’re-annoying-and-making-me-flustered” one. Kaworu smirked once more. Shinji was looking him directly in the eye, and he could not recognize the emotion spread across Shinji’s face. All he knew was that Shinji was looking at him, and looking at him differently. So he took a chance.
Kaworu sat back on his knees.
“Ikari…” he started.
Shinji’s mouth was open, his eyes wide, but he was not running. He was here with Kaworu. The night was quiet, and Shinji was going to listen to what he had to say.
“Ikari, I...don’t know what’s happening to me. I have had a weight on my chest ever since our battle with that angel. It’s strange...but in the same sense, it feels pleasant. I think Lilin may have a word for it, but I’m not sure.”
Shinji listened intently, his face never changing. Kaworu had not noticed before, but now he could see that the boy looked downright terrified.
“How does it feel...when a person likes another person?”
“What!?” Shinji blurted out, sounded more panicked than before. He squirmed uncomfortably but did not leave, did not take his eyes off of Kaworu.
Kaworu struggled to keep the smile on his face as he shifted closer. Shinji’s shoulders tensed but he pretended not to notice.
“The first’s feelings...is what I’m feeling…”
For the first instance within my time here, I’ve been rendered speechless. I cannot get the words out.
“N-Nagisa...I really don’t think you should keep talking.”
Shinji was looking down now. Kaworu wanted to laugh, wanted to be able to tease or fluster Shinji as usual, without these complicated sensations stopping him. He cursed the first for this, he really did, he really would never forgive that wretched girl who dared to call herself a…
“If you came to love me, I wonder how that would feel?”
Kaworu’s eyes suddenly widened in despair, wonder, and rapture - too many things to be feeling at once. He could not fully conclude why that was the sentence his lips had chosen to spew. But even more terrible was the fact that Kaworu was actually beginning to understand. Perhaps the full effect of the angel had taken longer than expected, for as soon as Kaworu’s bewilderment had arrived, a new feeling overtook it - leaving his arms wobbling, his face heated, and his heart aflame.
I love Ikari Shinji.
Shinji met Kaworu’s gaze again and the predetermined destiny of an angel became inconclusive.
Now he was looking at someone whose very face formed a beautiful blossoming within Kaworu’s entire body and left him wanting more, so much more. A boy who made the greatest tragedies lovely, whose presence was enough to make Kaworu forget everything he’d ever learned about the Lilin or their intricate lives. He no longer wanted to know. All he needed to know was Shinji - everything about him, the good and the bad - NO, everything was good. Shinji was good. God, Shinji was wonderful . Had he...Kaworu had...always felt this way, hadn’t he? No. Yes. He had. Maybe? Yes. Of course. He loved him. The burning in his heart was so incredibly magnificent that Kaworu was now sure that there had never been a day that he hadn’t loved Shinji Ikari.
And a day would never pass that Shinji would not know about his love, because Kaworu could not go on existing if he ignored it.
I love Ikari Shinji!
Kaworu leaned forward gently, slowly, as if he were testing the waters. Shinji looked so petrified, yet so painfully beautiful at the same time. Kaworu kept his eyes locked with Shinji’s as his fingers began to brush his arm-
“Stop!”
Shinji smacked Kaworu’s hand away. Hard. It hurt him slightly, but the pain from physical contact was nothing compared to the now slowly-building pressure washing over Kaworu’s entire body.
What?
Shinji was trembling, his body pushed up against one of the walls and his head slumped forward. Kaworu definitely could not see his expression now, but the real question was not what he was thinking, but why Shinji was acting in such a way. Had Kaworu gone too far? Maybe Shinji actually was just being his same old annoyed-at-Nagisa self…
No. It’s not the same Ikari. He would just leave. He’s still here...not looking at me, of course, but still here.
His gaze still averted, Shinji lifted his head up, pressing the back of his left hand to his mouth. Kaworu could see now that his entire face was scarlet. The most color Kaworu could usually drag out of him was a light dusting of pink across his cheeks.
Should I try and touch him again?
“Why do you hate me so much?” Kaworu asked tentatively, deciding it was best to just keep talking. His voice sounded downright pathetic.
Shinji didn’t respond at first. He just shook his head back and forth vigorously, removing his hand and steadying himself so he could throw his legs over the edge of the bed.
For a split, fearful second, Kaworu thought Shinji really was going to get up and leave the room. For once Kaworu really, really, really, really, really did not want him to go away. He had never once cared all that much if Shinji decided to break off and depart from their conversation. If anything, it was just mildly inconsiderate. Kaworu could take whatever or whoever the wind blew his way, could let it go too, but apparently, this did not apply to Shinji. Not anymore.
Shinji did not stand up, however. He allowed himself to linger on the edge of the bed, placing his hands in his lap and curving his back downwards, still refusing to answer Kaworu’s question or do anything that would make this situation easier for them.
And so Kaworu sat, watching Shinji and cautiously waiting to find out what he’d do next.
It’s probably for the best that I just keep my mouth shut and allow Ikari to do as he pleases.
After all...I seem to bring him nothing but frustration.
Perhaps it’s better if I-
A single teardrop fell from Shinji’s face onto the floor. It was difficult to see in the dark, but Kaworu could tell by the shaking of his head and the tiny inhales of breath that Shinji was crying. Kaworu had merely watched - had merely observed him crying earlier. He had done nothing to help it. What could he have done? Shinji was crying over the first, over Rei Ayanami , a girl who was so similar to Kaworu and yet still completely foreign.
But now, I can…
No. I shouldn’t.
What if he wants me to-
NO.
I can’t just let him suffer.
I have to save Ikari.
I need to.
Without thinking, Kaworu ever so carefully slid himself over to Shinji’s left side, making sure to shift the bed so Shinji would know that he was approaching. The last thing he wanted to do was chase him away.
Kaworu couldn’t tell if Shinji had noticed his movement. He offered no reaction, continuing to let the tears fall into his lap and onto the cold floor. From closer up, Kaworu could see his eyes were screwed tightly shut.
Be careful.
A slight brush on the arm, just like before.
No reaction.
An arm wrapping around his shoulders.
No reaction.
Kaworu’s hold tightened as he delicately guided Shinji towards his chest. He opened his mouth to say something, though he wasn’t quite certain what exactly he could have said that would’ve made anything better - and that was all it really took for Shinji to totally lose it.
Shinji lurched forward and wrapped himself around Kaworu’s torso so quickly and strongly that Kaworu automatically assumed Shinji was trying to attack him. He threw his arms up in the air, but upon the realization that Shinji was still just holding onto him, he slowly lowered them onto Shinji’s back and reciprocated his initial embrace.
The shock had subsided, and now Kaworu could fully comprehend the fact that Shinji was wailing loudly, breathing and shaking nearly as hard as he had been just a few minutes ago. The tears falling from his eyes were getting Kaworu’s shirt all wet, but that did nothing to deter Kaworu from gently rubbing Shinji’s back in an attempt to soothe the miserable boy violently quivering and sobbing in his arms.
No more thoughts. I just need to protect him.
What probably felt like five minutes to an outsider was an eternity for Kaworu. He had never felt the warm embrace of a Lilin, even if it was most definitely one born out of desperation rather than tenderness. Still, it was breathtaking while it lasted, and though Kaworu had vowed not to think about anything in this fleeting moment, his selfish mind couldn’t help entertaining the thought that Shinji Ikari , the boy Kaworu Nagisa loved , was holding him, searching for the close comfort of his body in his time of need. If Kaworu smiled a little bit to himself, it was okay. He certainly didn’t enjoy seeing Shinji reduced to a melted mess of tears, but all the same, Kaworu allowed himself a brief second (or minute) of satisfaction. He could almost feel his own eyes start to well up out of sheer elation and love.
I will protect and love Ikari Shinji every day of my life.
I never really cared whether the Third Impact occurred or not. I have to save this wondrous boy.
I never knew how alone I was before I learned to love him. I’ve always loved him. He’s too beautiful not to love.
Even when he’s upset, he still manages to be beautiful.
The rest of the night was rather uneventful. Shinji’s panicked sobs eventually slowed, and when they did, Kaworu helped lay the traumatized boy back onto the bed, gently tucking him in. Shinji fell asleep quickly, his eyelids surely worn out from crying so much. Kaworu made his way to the other side but still kept his gaze on Shinji - to make sure he was sleeping well, and because he was all that was currently invading Kaworu’s mind.
After a good chunk of time had passed, Kaworu finally attempted to lay back and relax on his pillow. The small window above the bed was shining in the tiniest indication of morning light, meaning Kaworu and Shinji would both have to get up in a few hours. They’d have to face a world without the first - without Ayanami. Kaworu didn’t even want to imagine how Shinji would feel when he woke up, and he most certainly did not want to think about his destiny - his reason for coming to NERV in the first place.
Right now, there was only silence, save for Shinji’s soft breathing next to him. Kaworu turned his head again, finding himself face to face with Shinji once again.
He looks so serene now. How lovely.
Kaworu’s curious fingers crawled their way to Shinji’s right hand, which was resting near his pillow. He slowly lifted up the wrist, glancing up every other second to check if Shinji was still asleep. Somewhere along the way, Kaworu managed to intertwine their fingers together. Shinji did nothing but sigh and shift his legs a bit.
This is okay. Just like this.
Finally shutting his eyes, Kaworu sighed and allowed himself to bask in the glory of having a lilin to love, even though he wasn’t sure how things would play out after this. His body didn’t even require much sleep, but Kaworu knew enough about Lilin culture to recognize basic romantic gestures. Hand-holding and sleeping in the same bed were staples, so he’d do them all for Shinji. He’d do absolutely anything for Shinji.
I’ve always loved him. I’ve always protected him. I need to make him happy.
For the first time since his arrival at NERV, Kaworu slept peacefully, and for the first time in Shinji Ikari’s life, there existed someone who truly loved him unconditionally.
Later that day, when Shinji woke and left in a rush, hastily thanking Kaworu for allowing him to spend the night, Kaworu felt the overwhelming pressure from before becoming a permanent part of him.
Major Katsuragi had called. Kaworu didn’t need to eavesdrop to know what it was about, Shinji was plenty vocal.
The first was alive, somehow. Somehow she’d managed to survive.
Shinji was going to see her, no doubt. No doubt he was going to cry and get all excited and hug her, telling her just how happy he was that she was alive. The first probably wouldn’t even understand what he was so worked up about.
It didn’t matter that Kaworu had always been alive, and it didn’t matter what had happened last night. Shinji was never going to bring it up again. He was going to cling to the first, just like before. Kaworu had been nothing more than someone to turn to when Shinji had nobody else. He was not his first choice, and he never would be.
I hate the first. I hate her so much. She died and left me with her burden, but now she’s back. She left me with this feeling and now I have to deal with the resentment that accompanies her return. Now I have to deal with Ikari never looking at me the way he looks at her.
At some point, Kaworu’s body ended up face-down on the side of the bed Shinji had slept on.
It still smells like him.
Many years would pass before Kaworu permitted himself to acknowledge that those were his own tears falling from his eyes that day. Many, many years would pass before Kaworu would become mature enough to put the happiness of the boy he loved so dearly before his own selfish desires. And many, many, many years would pass before he would find a way to break the cruel cycle of death and destruction that plagued their relationship.
For now - Kaworu felt nothing but heartbreak, with a promise to himself that would almost certainly never be fulfilled.
I’ll make him happy. After all, I was born to be by his side.
<3