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It seemed like a good idea at the time. Right now he doesn't know what he was thinking? Nothing good ever happened in this house. Nothing that would make Clint want to move back.
Barney perfectly summed up the whole situation. “What were you thinking? You hate the farm! Were you thinking at all?”
Apparently not. Too be fair he realized his stupidity once the house came into view. Immediately he wondered if he still has the number of the realtor it his apartment. If it weren't for the previous owner who after twenty minutes finally knocked on his car window and goaded him in with cookies he would have gone back to New York. And never come back. Like never!
Instead Clint is sitting in the living area eating sugary goods while listening to the nice elderly – at what age is it okay to call someone elderly? – couple praising his generosity. Hearing from them that they are incredibly thankful that he bought the farm instead of the Let's-build-a-mall-right-on-their-field corporation. Mrs Johnson – You can call me Pam, dear! – nearly tears up when he repeats his offer for them to keep living there.
“Are you sure?”
Twenty years ago they bought the farm leaving the city behind. “I'm sure.” It just feels wrong to take away their livelihood and what he understands was their dream for a very long time. And well... He's definitely not going to manage the fields and milk cows. Not that he knows how if he actually wanted to.
“We don't want to impose.”
“I won't be here often.” Or ever for that matter. “For vacation mostly. My job is very eh time-consuming.”
“What do you do exactly?”
Way to go Clint! Let's stir the conversation to the topic he should avoid.
“Are there any animals here? I think I heard a dog.”
Their welcoming attitude almost makes it okay being back. If he doesn't look to closely, the house could be any other farm house in the Midwest and not his childhood home from hell. Once he leaves Pam and Bud made him promise to come back for Thanksgiving. He probably won't make it. S.H.I.E.L.D. has the terrible habit to give him assignments on holidays.
~~~
The first time he visits it's after Bobbi. It's six months since he bought the farm and he managed to add another chapter to his biography Terrible life choices.
After meeting, marrying and divorcing her going back to Iowa for some time didn't seem that bad anymore. It was either staying in his spare apartment with the empty fridge or eating homemade pie and pet some sheep. The little, fluffy, walking clouds are amazing. He wonders if it's possible to keep one in New York.
~~~
Apparently you don't need to have a pitchfork and straw in your mouth at all times while being on a field. It would have been nice of Pam to have told him that before he went out to meet Bud and his buddies in the corn field.
At least now they know him as the stupid city boy who's trying to hard. It's better than one of the Barton kid's who disappeared after his parents died. The people who remember him from back there are cool enough to not mention it. They asked him once about Barney but other than that they leave him alone about his past. And present for that matter. By now they probably figured out that he doesn't work at a bank. How is he supposed to know that the rate of interest took such a dive in the last years?
“... and at the end of the maze we put up some kind of fair.” Although they know he's full of shit they try to involve him every time he comes down. Up? Sideways? Well, it depends where he was before.
“We need some entertainment for the kids.”
Of course Clint would prefer it to be inside with the wives right now instead of standing under the burning sun. There was a cherry pie in Mary-Beth's hands and Louise makes this wonderful brownies.
“What about the clown from last year?”
“He was drunk and incompetent.” Gus is Clint's favorite. Not counting Pam and Bud of course. He's the impersonated cliche of a grumpy old man. “I don't care if he's Sarah's nephew. All his balloon animals were snakes.”
“I can do it.” He didn't spend a lot of his adolescence at a circus for nothing.
“Really?”
“Sure. A can do some juggling and magic tricks.”
~~~
“Care to repeat that.”
And Clint thought he's the one with the hearing problems.
“I'm on vacation.”
“Why?”
As the director of a secret espionage agency it can be expected of him to know what's normal. Clint heard that it's normal for people to go on vacation.
“Coulson is always saying I should take time off, so I did.”
The silence stretches for so long that Clint thinks Fury just hung up on him. “Fine. Report in when you're back.”
Whatever! With all the overtime he piled up over the years he could stay away from S.H.I.E.L.D. for a year. And he's not going to leave just because something is happening somewhere. There are certainly other agents qualified to deal with it. Some that are not spouting a clown nose.
“It's for the children,” Pam says.
“It's the opportunity to see you in the most embarrassing outfit in the world for our own amusement,” Pam implies.
~~~
Fucking Loki! He can't repeat it often enough.
And fucking S.H.I.E.L.D. for that matter.
He's a victim here. 'Tasha says so and even Captain fucking America stuck up for him. Still, he's on leave until S.H.I.E.L.D. deems him fit enough to go back to work. It probably doesn't help he refused to talk to the shrink about it. Who knows why they let him go home after a week.
The moment he opens the door to his apartment his phone starts to ring. Great! It's the perfect time to deal with unsolicited calls.
“Hello.”
“Thank God.” It's Bud, who then speaks to someone on his side. “He's on the line.”
The response to this is loud and includes several voices. After this whole mess in New York whatever problem they have in Iowa might be a good distraction.
“Did something happen? Is Pam okay?”
The laugh is less amused than relieved. “Pam is fine. We're all fine.”
There is a short commotion on the line before Pam is speaking. “We tried to get in contact with you for the last week. Where have you been?”
“Eh... work stuff.”
“Work stuff!” She sounds a little hysterical. “We saw you working on TV. I never knew that working at a bank could be that exciting.”
“Eh... well...” What is he supposed to say?
“It's okay, honey.” Suddenly Rosemary, Gus' wife is the one talking. “ Nobody's mad at you. We understand, but we were really worried.”
“I'm okay.” Not really, but there's no need to make them worry more.
There's a little pause. “That's good.” She doesn't sound convinced. “You know that you can always come if you need a break from... the city.”
~~~
In his defense, nobody called him. He checked his phones. And besides, the whole thing was over before he could leave for D.C. After that it seemed unnecessary. Natasha had everything under control and Daisy had just given birth to her calf.
“Hello, Barton.”
“Holy shit!”
“Clint!”
“Sorry, Pam.” But what else is he supposed to say when Nick Fury is sitting at the kitchen table on the farm nobody is supposed to know about.
“There's no need to fire me in person, Sir. I got the message.”
~~~
Clint knew it was a bad idea. Well, he didn't know exactly. No one could have predicted it. A fortune teller probably. They totally need one for next time. Since there will always be a next time.
Weird shit has been happening for the last couple of years. But this must be the weirdest... Okay not really. In between a billionaire vigilante, defrosting a national hero, alien attacks and S.H.I.E.L.D. being infiltrated by a Nazi organization from the forties this whole situation isn't that special. Ultron, or whatever that thing is named, is in very good company.
He knew he should have declined the invitation. A killer robot – Thanks, Tony – deciding to announce his plans of world domination/human extinction is definitely in the Top 3 of terrible things that happened at one of Stark's parties.
“We have to regroup.” Considering the last hours, Steve is surprisingly collected. Not what Clint would have expected from someone who took a break from searching for his best friend, also knows as the traumatized assassin who is killing what's left of HYDRA all over Europe, to get roped into this whole mess. “Somewhere safe, so we can come up with a plan.”
Contemplating the alternatives Clint gives in with a sigh. “I have a place.”
“Everything is compromised,” Natasha speaks up. Without taking her eyes off of Banner, she still pulls it off to somehow direct her frown at him. “You know that.”
“Not everything.” Wait! That didn't came out right. “I mean, I know that of course. But I have a place that isn't.”
The moment the house came into view, Clint can feel the desperation. Tony is dying to make a comment, but the guy isn't a genius for nothing. He's smart enough to keep his mouth shut, since he's responsible for the mess they're in right now.
“Didn't peg you for a country boy.” Apparently it wasn't the shame of building their new villain stopping Tony, but Steve's presence. “You're a farmer now?”
“On my days off.” If you wanna can call sitting on the porch, swim in the pond and take the lawnmower for a spin twice a year farming.
“That's cool.”
A couple of years ago he wouldn't have thought so, but today it's different.
From the steady sounds coming from outside it has one advantage to have them there. Pam and Bud won't have to fear getting a cold during the winter. It's great that Steve likes to chop wood, since it is Clint's least favorite chore. He still does it every time he comes by. It's the least he can do for them and Bud isn't getting any younger.
Of course it requires him to survive the oncoming fight if he expects to return to a calm life.
~~~
Why can't they have team dinner? Why does it have to be Team breakfast? It's way too early for this. Is cursing out Captain America for being a morning person enough to get his citizenship deprived?
“Where's my mug?”
Looking at the table there are three things that make him stop. First, Thor is back from wherever he ran off to. Second, he's drinking from Clint's favorite mug. Third, Pam is hovering over him giggling – giggling – and piling the last pancakes on his plate.
It's the perfect opportunity to tease her. Fangirling over Thor of all people. Seeing Bud making googly eyes at Steve while talking about the most boring sport of the world is a bonus. He's about to make a comment when Bruce enters the kitchen.
“Where's Natasha?”
Pam stops fondling Thor's bicep looking up. “I thought she's a Natalie.”
Oh shit!
“Our cat's name is Natasha.”
“What a coincidence!” Tony of course it's the first to grasp the situation. “Tell me, Pammy. Did Clint happen to name the kitten?”
She's going to kill him.