Archive of Our Own

Renjun starts every painting the same way, with a stroke of a dark rich brown, and a stroke of bubblegum pink. No matter what he is painting, no matter if he was to paint over it, he always begins this way. His secret artistic signature.

If there is one thing that Renjun can lose himself completely in, it’s his art. In fact, he often spends entire days locked in the studio, not even taking a break for meals, completely unaware of how much time has passed. It’s the one place he feels completely safe from all of the hardships of reality, where he can completely be himself without fear of all the different ways that life can hurt him.

But sometimes, he lets himself be distracted.

He doesn’t see the figure approach him, at least not until a shadow casts itself over his easel. When he looks up, he is greeted by the sight of one of his boyfriends, smiling widely at him. It was overwhelming at first, the way Jaemin looked at him like he was the most precious thing in the world, but he supposes he’s gotten used to it after a while.

“Sorry to bother you,” Jaemin begins, “But there is an emergency.” Jaemin’s voice sounds serious, but the smirk on his face gives him away. Renjun plays along anyway.

“Oh no!” he replies, “What happened? Is there anything I can help you with, baby?” Renjun asks, feigning concern. Jaemin smiles wide, unable to keep up his poorly acted bit anyway.

“I’ve been diagnosed with a rare disease. If I don’t get kisses from my boyfriend, my heart will literally break and then I will die, Renjun,” Jaemin whines dramatically.

Renjun gasped at the admission, putting a paint-stained hand to his mouth to express his shock. “Oh no. We better call Jeno then, so he can help you while I get back to work,” he jokes.

Jaemin squawks at Renjun, but refuses to play up the charade any longer. Instead he pulls his boyfriend close and revels in the casual intimacy of being able to hold Renjun after a day apart.

“Have you eaten, baby?” Jaemin asks, face squished against the top of Renjun’s head. Renjun’s lack of answer is an answer, and Jaemin tuts softly before pulling away to look at him softly.

“It’s not good to skip meals. Why don’t we go get some food, okay? Jeno is almost done with his night class and can meet us for some ramen,” Jaemin suggests.

Renjun looks at his painting longingly, almost ready to refuse, when he gets interrupted by his stomach growling loudly. Jaemin looks at him knowingly, and Renjun recognizes this is a battle that he can’t win.

Renjun quickly tidies up his station while Jaemin texts Jeno, confirming their plans. Renjun also tries to make himself slightly presentable, but there isn’t much he can do about his paint stained jeans.

Once he is done, Jaemin smiles at him (the same smile that once again sends the butterflies in his stomach into a frenzy) and holds out a hand. As they walk to the restaurant, Jaemin recounts his day in detail, not failing to mention how much he missed his boyfriends. Jaemin gives out love and affection the way Santa gives out presents; in abundance and with a jolly smile.

Jeno is already there when they arrive and one look at him has Renjun falling into his arms. There is something about Jeno’s presence that is so comforting, even when Renjun has no worries other than the daily challenges of life.

(Some may think having two boyfriends is excessive, but both Jeno and Jaemin provide different roles in Renjun’s life, almost like a drug. When Renjun needs an upper, Jaemin is always there to provide excitement, adventure, and light to his life. When Renjun needs a downer, Jeno is there to calm him, provide him comfort, and act as a rock. Renjun can’t imagine life without either of them, no matter how distant he sometimes seems.)

“Long day?” Jeno remarks, rubbing up and down his boyfriend’s back while Jaemin stares at them with a gentle smile on his face. Renjun nods into his chest, suddenly overwhelmed. He was so focused on his work that he had ignored everything, including how tired and hungry he was. If it weren’t for Jaemin coming to get him, he probably would have continued like this for hours.

“I wish we could all eat dinner together like this more often,” Jaemin sighs, pouting softly. Renjun tries not to feel guilty, knowing that his presence is the one that is absent the most. “Once the semester ends we should make more of an effort to go on dates like this,” he offers.

Renjun and Jeno nod in agreement, and they continue their date while Renjun tries not to dwell on the remorse he feels for being the unavailable boyfriend that he is. It’s been a week, maybe two since they all had a meal together like this and he tries to cherish the moment, knowing it can’t, and won’t last.

I’ll do better, Renjun promises himself. I will do right by them. I will try harder next time, and the time after that, and the time after that.

They eat their meal, and Renjun already feels infinitely better. He hadn’t realized how close to burning out he was, how little energy he had. Not only that, but his mood had improved exponentially as well. Being with Jeno and Jaemin always provides him with a happiness that even art can’t. It scares him sometimes, how much they mean to him, but he deals with it when he can and ignores it when he can’t.

He’s having such a good time that he almost doesn’t want to leave the dinky little restaurant they’ve spent their evening in. Because after this, they’ll go home and go to bed, and the day will be over. Renjun will wake up the next morning super busy with school again, and the cycle will repeat until one day next week Jaemin (or maybe Jeno this time) will drag him away from the studio for another quick date.

Eventually the three of them make their way to their apartment, all exhausted from a busy day and ready to fall into bed.

They moved into their flat a year ago, only 9 months after they started dating. They all have their own room, each needing space to themselves, but they all tend to gather in Jaemin’s room to sleep, because his room is the biggest. (Jaemin has more things than Jeno and Renjun combined, and neither felt upset about their arrangement.)

These days, however, Renjun has been sleeping in his own bed more and more. His schedule contains late nights and early mornings, and doesn’t want to unsettle Jeno and Jaemin, who are already tired enough without Renjun’s disturbances.

The two of them still sleep together most nights, though Renjun doesn’t feel jealous. They passed the jealousy phase a long time ago in their relationship. Besides, if anything, it’s Renjun who excludes himself, despite the looks of longing his boyfriends are always sending him.

Tonight, he plans to head to his room, knowing that he likely has another early morning tomorrow. These plans are disrupted when he catches a pleading look from Jeno that is just too hard to resist.

They find themselves in a position that is all too familiar to them. Renjun, being the smallest of the three, is always squished in the middle. Their presence is comforting to Renjun, almost like a weighted blanket. He feels grounded, anchored, and every night he spends with them makes him feel like an idiot for ever spending nights apart.

Still, when he wakes up early the next morning (force of habit---Renjun doesn’t even need an alarm anymore,) he contemplates whether he should get up and head to the studio, or stay in bed with his boyfriends.

If he stayed, they could cuddle some more, wake up together, and maybe even eat breakfast too. Realistically, Renjun’s final project deadline is in a couple of weeks still, and he could put off working on it for a little while.

He pulls away anyway. And he doesn’t know why.

When they cuddle, he leans away. When they plan dates, he sometimes bails. When he has to choose between staying or leaving, he almost always leaves.

It’s not because he doesn’t love them, if anything it’s because he loves them too much. So much so, that the fear of losing them is big, encompassing him, invoking his fight or flight response. Renjun always chooses flight.

He leaves the bed gently and quietly, careful to untangle himself from his boyfriends without waking either of them up. He hesitates when he reaches the door, allowing himself one last look before leaving.

He wishes he could will himself to stay, but Renjun has never been brave when it comes to facing his fears.

☽

Renjun meets his boyfriends his freshman year of University at a party that he wasn't even planning on attending. If it weren’t for Donghyuck forcing him along, he probably would have spent his Saturday night in the studio. However, his best friend was courting “an adorable Chinese boy with a beautiful voice and a dolphin laugh,” and was worried he might need backup.

However, an hour into the party, Donghyuck was already making out with his dream boy (Chenle, Renjun notes), making Renjun’s presence pretty much useless. Unwilling to experience a wasted night, Renjun decided to chat with some of his fellow international students, when an attractive boy with bubblegum pink hair approached him.

He doesn’t say anything at all, just grabs Renjun’s wrist, and pulls him towards another boy, this one with dark hair and an eye smile. Said boy seems to be equally as confused when a pink-haired boy grabs onto him as well, guiding them into the corner of the room, offering a semblance of privacy.

“Sorry for just grabbing you both like this,” the pink-haired boy explains, “it’s just you both are so cute I didn’t know which one I wanted to approach,” he giggles, surprising both of them. They look at each other for a second, before Renjun speaks up.

“So… what were you hoping for? A threesome or something?” he asks bluntly. Despite the confidence from earlier, the pink-haired boy looks shocked at the question.

“What! No, of course not. I just wanted to find someone to spend my night with. And instead, I found two someones. What do you say? Wanna have some fun?” he inquires, looking hopeful.

Renjun is the first to agree, always recklessly engaging in life’s next great adventure. Jeno was more hesitant. He looked back and forth between the two before agreeing (but not without some reservations.)

Long story short, they end up leaving the party, hitting up an all-male strip club, doing molly, and dancing glued together on the dancefloor while an old Britney Spears song plays in the background. It was entirely irresponsible, but so fucking fun.

By the time the club closes, they are all still high out of their minds and take a cab back to campus. They end up going to the rooftop of Renjun and Jeno’s dorm (turns out they only live one floor away from each other, which turns out to be so fun later) and watch the sun rise in the early hours of the night.

The drugs give them confidence to confess things they’ve never really discussed before, and the high wears off just as they start to truly connect with each other. Renjun finds that he is, in fact, just as electrified with the two of them completely sober.

The moment itself feels perfect, and Renjun knew that regardless of where they left things once they separated and went home, he would never forget the contentment he felt on the roof, sun rising over the horizon, while two strangers drift off on either one of his shoulders.

Renjun almost wishes he could stay there forever, but his neck started to hurt, and he’s always had trouble sleeping in places that are not beds. He nudges his new friends(?) gently and gets up to go, brushing dirt off of the legs of his pants.

Before he can leave though, Jaemin is pulling on the sleeve of his shirt, “Wait!” he says, louder than needed at 6 in the morning. “Can I see you again? Both of you?” he asks, looking nervous, like he is about to face imminent rejection.

They end up exchanging numbers (and a couple of kisses) before going their separate ways. They do not stay apart for long though, and just two days later the three of them are meeting up for lunch. And then they met up again. And again. And suddenly, they were in a full-fledged relationship and none of them hardly realized it.

Falling in love with them was the easy part. Allowing himself to be loved in return is where it got tricky.

☽

Renjun knows his boyfriends love him. It’s hard not to be aware of the fact when both of them are so painfully obvious with their affections for him. Jeno follows him around like a lost puppy, taking every opportunity to just be with him. Jaemin is different. Jaemin will do a million things for him and expect nothing in return. He is all grand gestures and gentle reminders. They love him so good, that it almost makes Renjun feel like he doesn’t deserve it.

Unlike the two of them, Renjun comes with a lot of baggage. His past is not shiny and beautiful, and sometimes, if he isn’t careful, he lets the dark overwhelm him. The last thing he wants is to rope Jaemin and Jeno into the thick cloud of ache he feels sometimes.

The two of them are so beautiful, especially together, and Renjun knows that he could never capture on a canvas just how breathtaking they are (not for a lack of trying). Renjun feels selfish for how much he wants to keep them.

The fact that there are three of them is what makes it so tempting to leave sometimes. If he were gone, at least they would still have each other, right? And they would miss them, but a love like Jeno and Jaemin’s could outlast and overcome anything, even the heartbreak of loss.

It’s not something that Renjun has real plans for, or anything that has ever even come close to fruition. But it’s still there, in the back of his mind, lingering like a ghost that refuses to leave.

☽

The fear started during the first fight the three of them ever had, and had only progressed from there. It was a stupid fight, over a couple bitchy text messages Jaemin sent when he was in a bad mood, but in the moment, Renjun was positive it was over.

Jaemin and Jeno both (unbeknownst to Renjun), rarely cry when they are feeling emotional. When Renjun broke down in tears while arguing and the other two looked at him with matching blank expressions, it was so easy to write-it off as apathy. He had convinced himself in the moment that neither of them cared, not nearly as much as he did, and it hurt like hell.

He curled in on himself and turned away, crying softly to himself. Renjun, more than anyone, knows the painful aftermath of loss better than anyone, and it felt so easy to fall back into self-preservation mode, drowning out Jaemin and Jeno as the younger two continued to argue.

Eventually Jeno turned back to Renjun, eyes softening at the sight of his boyfriend breaking down and immediately went to comfort him. (Renjun would come to find that Jeno hates seeing him upset more than practically anything on earth, and is always the first to come running when Renjun so much as pouts.)

Renjun will never forget the way that Jeno held him while he broke down. The way he seemed to ground him like an anchor in the middle of the ocean; as if to say, I know you have the capacity to drift, but I’m going to make sure you stay right here where you belong.

Jaemin leaves for a while, needing to collect his emotions before he says something he regrets, and Jeno holds Renjun tightly, apologizing murmuring comforting promises into his ear. Renjun could tell that Jeno was trying to project an image of strength onto himself in the situation to comfort him, though it had the opposite effect. If Renjun was being honest, in his twisted brain he wished the other boy would also break, so that at least he knew he cared.

Renjun tries to center himself, to stay strong in his boyfriend’s hold, but the only thing he can focus on is the fact that his other boyfriend left, and Renjun doesn’t know if he’ll ever come back.

Jeno seems to sense this, and moves them over to a chair, where he sits with Renjun curled in his lap. “Everything is going to be okay, little bug. Just give it time,” he promises. “I will never let anything bad happen to you; to us.”

Eventually, Jaemin comes around and apologizes, grabbing on to Renjun immediately and comforting the boy who is still crying silently.

(Jaemin is much more prideful during fights. He spent a lot of time trying to please people who did not have the capacity to love him, and as a result, has become much more wary of others when fighting with them. He is done apologizing for things that are not his fault, and needs extra time to reflect to make sure whether there was actual wrongdoing on his part or not.)

Either way he comes back. And they both stay with him until he calms down, and they all can work through the toxicity that had grown between them earlier in the evening. The conflict was seemingly resolved that night, but to this day, the memory stays with Renjun, haunting him in his darkest hours.

That was the night Renjun truly realized how much his boys meant to him. This wasn’t a fling, or something casual. This was something that was really going to hurt when it ended. And Jeno and Jaemin’s reaction to their fight (or lack thereof) made Renjun realize that he just might be a little deeper into the fog than they are. Which, in turn, means he has so much more to lose.

He thinks of how much it hurt that night, seeing Jaemin walk out the door. And since that night, Renjun has only fallen deeper and deeper for them. He doesn’t know how much farther he can let this go before he is drowning in his feelings for them, unable to break to the surface.

It may be crazy to some, to even think of leaving the people who one he loves more than anything, but Renjun doesn’t see it like that. Sure, it would hurt now, but if Renjun let himself fall any harder, he’s sure any threat of loss could kill him.

One person can only carry so much grief, and if anymore were to pile onto Renjun’s small frame, he is sure that it would bury him.

For Renjun, making a contingency plan is an act of self preservation. He learned early on that he needs one, for every single person in his life, no matter how much they claim to love him.

☽

Renjun might sometimes have these negative thoughts, but that doesn’t mean he always dwells on them. In fact, most of the time he is content to enjoy his time with his boyfriends, without the heavy cloud of pessimism hovering over him.

It’s a couple of days after the night when Jaemin and Jeno dragged him out of the studio and made sure he got fed. They finally have an evening where all of their schedules are free, and Renjun plans to pay back his boys for keeping him alive and fed during his hectic school schedules.

Jaemin is usually the one who cooks for all of them, mostly due to his mother-hen nature. But every once in a while, Renjun steps in and prepares them all a feast, complete with all of his favorite Chinese dishes. Tonight seems as good a night as any to treat the ones he loves the most.

He stands over the stove, stirring a pot that is almost as large as he is, when strong arms wrap around him. The sturdy figure doesn’t say anything, just nuzzles into Renjun’s neck like a cat. Renjun knew it was Jeno the second he felt the hands around his waist.

Without saying a word, Renjun lifts up his spatula and brings it to his boyfriend’s mouth. Renjun preens in response when Jeno makes a show at how delicious it is. (Jeno always goes out of his way to support his boyfriends in all of their endeavours. He really is their biggest fan.)

“Can I help you with anything?” Jeno asks warmly, though he doesn’t really mean it. House rule number one is that Jeno is not allowed in the kitchen after he accidentally started a fire not once, not twice, but three times. A hat trick of unfortunate circumstances that led him to being permanently banned.

When Renjun declines, Jeno instead hops up on the countertop, discussing his day and all of his assignments that he’s decided to neglect for a little while longer. Renjun’s grateful for this decision, because it means they can finally spend an evening all together.

Jeno’s in the middle of a rant about his physics professor when the front door barges open loudly (Jaemin is not at all gentle nor graceful) alerting them of their boyfriend's entrance.

Jaemin, upon entering the kitchen, makes just as dramatic of a scene when seeing his boyfriend cooking.

“Wow!! Taking my job from me Injunnie!! And It smells delicious! You’ve been so busy this week, yet come home to spoil us,” Jaemin speaks, voice going high with baby-talk in a way that both endears and annoys Renjun.

Renjun rolls his eyes at his boyfriend’s antics, but his wide grin gives him away. Much like Jeno, Jaemin asks if there is anything he can do to help, only this time, Renjun has tasks for both of them.

“I’m almost done. Jeno, why don’t you set the table, and Jaemin, you get us something to drink,” Renjun suggests and they immediately get to work while Renjun puts the finishing touches on their dinner.

They eat quickly, all of them starving after a long day, not bothering with much conversation. Renjun finishes eating first, having the smallest appetite of all of them, and gets up to start dishes.

“Injunnie,” Jaemin whines. “You cooked, let us do the dishes for you,” he offers, waving Renjun back to the table, a gesture of which Renjun promptly ignores.

“It’s okay, I don’t mind,” Renjun replies kindly, and it’s true, he really doesn’t mind taking care of them. In fact, doing things for his boyfriends does wonders for keeping his negative thoughts at bay. If he proves to himself that they need him, it makes him less anxious that they’ll leave (or that Renjun will have to leave first, before they get the chance.)

Jeno and Jaemin finish eating soon after, Jaemin brings their plates to the sink, while Jeno disappears. Renjun finishes quickly, while Jaemin stands over him, hands gently on his hips, barely there.

Renjun turns around, and Jaemin immediately pulls him into a hug. “How are you doing? You’ve been gone so much lately, and you look exhausted..” Jaemin murmurs into Renjun’s hair, pulling the smaller boy closer on instinct.

“I…” Renjun begins, “I’m really fucking tired,” he admits finally, sagging into Jaemin. He’s got so many deadlines coming up, not to mention dealing with draining intrusive thoughts. He wishes it could stop for a moment, so he could catch his breath.

Renjun feels Jaemin press a series of quick kisses to his head before pulling back slightly, to brush the hair from Renjun’s eyes. “Jeno’s running a bath for us, okay? Tonight, let’s forget about everything that is stressing us out and just relax and spend time together. I think we deserve it after how hard we’ve been working.” Renjun agrees happily.

They walk hand in hand to Jaemin’s en suite bathroom, which features a large jacuzzi tub. Jeno is waiting for them, having already dumped four bath bombs into the water (“they were all so pretty and I thought it could make an ombre or something,” Jeno explains seriously, like he is discussing foreign affairs and not overpriced bath items.)

Jeno gets in first, and Renjun goes in after, letting himself be pulled against his boyfriend, back to chest. Jaemin gets in last, choosing to face both of them, grabbing both of Renjun’s hands and grasping them firmly within his own.

Renjun feels all of the worry and stress from his body drain immediately. Though he is naked and vulnerable in the bathtub, he feels so warm and safe and protected. It’s shocking to him, how Jeno and Jaemin always seem to know exactly what he needs, even after days apart, impossibly in tune to his every need.

They don’t speak out loud, but they do whisper in hushed tones. The room is lit by nothing more than a dozen or so candles, and Renjun feels himself melting as if he is also made of wax.

It makes Renjun feel silly, to even consider leaving when he is so safe and happy here. When Jeno’s voice is humming softly in his ear, and Jaemin’s wrinkly fingers are massaging the muscles in his hand, sore and cramped from his hard grip on a paintbrush.

They eventually get out once they’ve become fully pruned, and Jaemin wraps Renjun up in a ginormous fluffy towel before doing the same for Jeno. Then, they all walk into Jaemin’s bedroom, and put on comfy pajamas before falling into bed together. As Renjun falls asleep he makes a mental note to himself: when he wakes up he is going to stay.

☽

Surprisingly, Jaemin is the first to leave their pile of cuddles in the morning, rushing to the darkroom to develop some photos for a final project due in a week. Jeno follows shortly after, having to catch his 9am class, though he makes sure to give Renjun a seering morning kiss before he leaves.

Renjun stays in bed a little while longer, too comfy and content to force himself to begin another stressful day. After the night he had with his boyfriends, after they made him relax when he was bone-tired and wound-tight from stress, he was reaffirmed that he needed to work through his issues. It’s just tough when they are so deep rooted.

Renjun’s mom left when he was 10. He had heard stories growing up, of a parent going out to get milk and never coming back. In Renjun’s case, it happened while he was at school.

He came home, expecting his mom to be there with a snack waiting for him like always. Only he was greeted with an empty house. He searched everywhere, before finding a note taped to the fridge. She had left, and taken her stuff with her. She didn’t know if she was coming back, but she didn’t want to play the mother/housewife role for much longer.

She had always been a free spirit, the type of person who didn’t like to be contained by rules and societal expectations. Renjun doesn’t think she ever planned to get pregnant, but when she did, his father was ecstatic. They got married quickly and built a home together, raising and loving Renjun together. They were so happy. At least he thought.

His father was less surprised. He knew his wife had felt suffocated, but he thought it would get better now that Renjun was in school. She now had her days to do with what she pleased, and he had hoped that she would take the time to find something to do that would make her feel alive again. He guesses that was just wishful thinking.

What followed was a handful of really bad years. Renjun’s father spiraled into a deep depression, and Renjun had to grow up really quickly in order to take care of them both. Renjun went from a child to practically a parent, forcing his dad to eat and get up and ready for work. He couldn’t let himself grieve, or show any sign of weakness because he felt like he needed to be strong for his father. The last thing he wanted was to lose him too.

Over time, Renjun’s dad was able to heal, and they adapted to their new normal mostly healed. They don’t talk about her, not ever. Renjun doesn’t know whether that is a part of the healing process or not, but Renjun doesn’t think he is capable of speaking her name without throwing up.

Renjun knows that his mother is at the root of his abandonment issues. After she left, it was hard to get close to people, for fear that he would get too attached only for them to leave him. It took very strong-willed people (i.e. Donghyuck) to break down his walls until he was able to come out of his shell again. However, deep down, he knows the wounds have not fully healed.

Having his mother walk away from him ripped Renjun’s heart in half until it was hanging on by one thread. Though he has healed, and the damage has repaired itself, Renjun knows that it is still fragile. The next heartbreak could be even worse. The next one could kill him.

He looks at Jeno and Jaemin and wishes he could be carefree like the both of them are. He wishes he didn’t have these ugly feelings manifesting all of the time telling him to run before it’s too late, to leave before he grows too attached and it hurts too much.

He loves them and he doesn’t want to hurt them or push him away, but it’s almost compulsive at his point. He doesn’t know how to heal a wound that is over ten years old. He doesn’t know how to think of his relationship and not be afraid. He doesn’t know how to love properly.

So instead of speaking about it, he paints. He pours all of his emotions on the canvas, starting with a stroke of pink (the color of Jaemin’s hair when they first met) and a stroke a brown (deep and warm like Jeno’s beautiful eyes.)

He doesn’t tell either of them how much they really mean to him, even though he should. But speaking it out loud makes it feel real and tangible, and when something is like that, it can easily be taken away.

Renjun’s love for them is instead expressed through violent strokes of a paintbrush, and charcoal that stains his hands. He might not shout his love from the top of rooftops but every painting, with it’s hidden pink and brown, are just another way to scream their names.

☽

Renjun calls his father once a week or once every two weeks just to chat and catch up. To be honest, Renjun was terrified to leave China and come to Korea to study. He wasn’t worried about the schooling, the language barrier, or the fact that he knew nobody. Instead, he was worried that he would hurt his father.

Renjun’s father had already been abandoned once and it had almost killed him. He didn’t know at the time if he could survive it a second time.

To his surprise though, Renjun’s dad seemed to be completely fine, even better than Renjun himself some days. He started new hobbies (gardening and cross-stitching) and was seemingly handling being an empty nester just fine. It makes Renjun wonder if he was the one who had a problem here and not his father.

Their conversations consisted mostly of how their lives were going, a basic recap to keep each other up to date. If Renjun is being honest, sometimes just hearing his father’s voice after a long day is enough to make him feel better.

His childhood may not have been the greatest, and sometimes his relationship with his father was strained, but he had always stayed. And hearing his dad answer the phone loudly proclaiming “My boy!” every time he calls is enough to make him feel better on even the darkest of days.

However, there is sometimes something missing from their talks. They will discuss a memory from Renjun’s childhood, and dance around the subject, purposefully omitting certain details. Renjun understands, of course he does. There are some things that they just don’t talk about. But sometimes he wishes they would.

He wonders what would happen if they finally discussed the trauma that has been so taboo. It could be cathartic, like a weight being lifted off of his shoulders, or it could send him into a mental breakdown. Either way he thinks it may be worth it. If he could handle it. If his father could handle it.

Because of the tricky situation, Renjun dances around the subject of family a lot. It’s not that he lies necessarily, but he is good at not talking about the details. Renjun has mastered the skill of talking without saying anything at all.

(“What’s your family like?” people would ask politely. “My family is back in China. I miss them but they support me,” Renjun would reply.)

However, it became particularly difficult when it came to Jeno and Jaemin. As their relationship became more serious, they started to learn more intimate details of each other’s personal lives. Family is one part of his life that Renjun keeps to himself.

He’ll be on the phone speaking Chinese in hushed tones, much different from when he is when talking to his friends, and one of his boyfriends will walk in. Jeno will look at him curiously, head tilting slightly to the side, but he never questions. Jeno knows when to pry and when not to pry.

Jaemin, on the other hand, has questioned Renjun about it. “How come you never talk about your family?” he presses gently, like he is scared of pinching a nerve. Renjun, as always, deflects.

“You are my family. Do you want me to tell you about yourself? Because I think you already know a lot,” Renjun replies easily. Jaemin smiles in response, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

The truth is, Renjun isn’t lying at all. In fact, Jeno and Jaemin have been there for him in a way that he hadn’t experienced since his mother left. He wishes he could explain that to Jaemin, explain to him exactly how well he has taken care of him, but that is just too much baggage to unravel.

He almost let it all slip once, when he was sick and running of fever. Jeno was busy with a big final exam, but Jaemin skipped classes (during the busiest point in the semester mind you) just to take care of him. He wrapped Renjun up in blankets, and put cool washcloths on his forehead, which he switched out every half hour. He spoon-fed Renjun soup when he was too tired to hold a spoon himself. He even carried Renjun to the bathtub and laid with him in ice cold water, holding him while his fever spiked, trying to cool him down.

When Renjun was back in bed fighting consciousness, he looked over at Jaemin, who was smiling at him so kindly and lovingly that it made Renjun feel truly loved for the first time since his mother left all those years ago.

“You take care of me so well,” Renjun murmured, hazed and feverish. “You treat me even better than she did.”

Jaemin brushes the bangs from Renjun’s face, questioning “She?” but Renjun is already asleep. When Jaemin brings it up again the next morning, Renjun feigns ignorance, pretending he doesn’t know what his boyfriend is talking about.

“I was sick, Jaem. I was talking all kinds of nonsense,” he explains, and Jaemin doesn’t push it, even though Renjun knows he wants to.

He brings the incident up with Donghyuck, the only person who knows Renjun’s full story. Donghyuck keeps it real with him like always.

“You have to tell them, Renjun. You’re hiding a big part of yourself from them, and for what? If anything they’ll only understand you better, and can help you through the healing process,” Donghyuck encourages, reaching out to squeeze his best friend’s hand. Renjun knows that he is right, but he doesn’t know if he is ready to reopen those wounds again.

This is only the second conversation he has had about his mother since she left him (the first one being when Donghyuck made a “your mom” joke to Renjun who burst into tears and confessed everything to his best friend. He has since gotten better at handling the topic of matriarchal figures.)

“I will,” Renjun concedes. “Eventually, I promise I will. But I’m not ready yet,” Renjun confesses. Donghyuck shoots him a disappointed look, but nods anyway. In the end, it’s Renjun’s trauma, and it isn’t his place to try to dictate how he should deal with it.

☽

Renjun knows the second he agrees to go on a bike ride with Jeno and Jaemin that he is making a mistake. His boyfriends cycle as a hobby, and are a lot more athletic than he is. While he is grateful that they wanted to include him in this shared hobby, he realizes early on that he is in over his head.

First of all, Jaemin and Jeno are dressed properly, with racing bikes and helmets. Renjun, however, showed up directly from the studio and is in jeans and a t-shirt. Not to mention his bike is more suited for leisurely strolls rather than rigorous exercise.

But when his Jeno asked him to come, voice so hopeful it bled through easily on the phone, Renjun had no choice but to say yes. He told himself that he was going to make more of an effort with his boyfriends, and showing them that he cares. He wants to stop running, and spending more time with Jeno and Jaemin is surely a solution to this problem.

This isn’t so bad, Renjun thinks to himself when they first set off. They are going at a leisurely pace by the river, no hills in sight. However, that changes quickly, and soon they are speeding up, and working their way towards a bike trail that Renjun can already tell is going to be too much for him.

In the end, Renjun lasts 5km, the last 3km of which Renjun spends a ways behind his boyfriends. He doesn’t have the energy to try to catch up with them and let them know it’s too much, so he simply turns around and goes home.

Renjun has showered, changed, and started working on an essay by the time Jeno and Jaemin return home. He goes to greet them with a smile but can tell from their demeanor that neither of them are happy with him. He gulps, unprepared for what is to come.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Jaemin bites, voice cold. Jeno stands behind him, not saying anything but stern gaze indicating he feels the same way as his angry counterpart. “You just disappear on us like that and don’t think anything of it? Don’t bother to contact us and let us know you’ve gone?”

Renjun looks down, refusing to meet their eyes. He feels incredibly small at this moment, and his insecurities stemming from his mother piling on with his stress from school makes a fight feel like way too much to handle right now.

“I-it was too much,” Renjun tries to explain. “I thought you guys would understand. That I’m not as athletic as you guys and couldn’t do it. And you guys were so far ahead that I didn’t want to bother you…” he trails off.

Jeno softens at the explanation, but Jaemin doesn’t let up. “And you didn’t think to call us?” Jaemin asks. “We were worried about you. We even went back a little ways to make sure you hadn’t fallen and gotten hurt. But nope, seems like it was just Renjun doing what he does best: running away,” he spits angrily.

Renjun frowns at this. Not because he thinks what Jaemin is saying is untrue or holds no validity, but because he didn’t expect to be faced with this habit like this. It makes him feel exposed, that someone is finally calling him out on this unhealthy coping mechanism of his.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Renjun responds bitterly. “It’s just a bike ride, Jaem. It’s not that serious.”

Jaemin scoffs, looking more upset than Renjun has seen him in a long time. “It’s not just a bike ride, Renjun. It’s a pattern of behavior that’s been there since the start of our relationship. Sometimes I wonder if you’re pulling away from us, and then I think ‘Wait a minute! He never let us get close to him in the first place.’” he finishes, laughing bitterly, voice void of any humor.

Renjun’s eyes begin to fill with tears at the accusations. Instead of responding, he turns to Jeno expectantly, as if to silently beg him to come to his defence. Jeno does the opposite.

“Renjun, you know I love you. You know we love you. But so many moments in this relationship are the three of us spending time together and you pulling away. Or me and Jaemin waking up to find that you aren’t there. And it’s hard to experience this and not wonder if the love we feel for you is being reciprocated or not,” Jeno admits.

“It feels like you’re just with us now until you find someone better. It feels like you’ve had an exit strategy from the moment we got together,” Jaemin butts in, nostrils blowing from how fuming he is.

“Th-that’s not true!” Renjun tries to argue, tears streaming down his face. He tries to think of something to say, to defend himself, but he knows everything Jaemin is saying is right.

“We’ve given you every part of us, Renjun. You know about my abusive ex-boyfriend and Jeno’s homophobic parents. We don’t even know anything about your life in China or your family. Sometimes I feel like Jeno is my boyfriend, and you are just our elusive roommate,” Jaemin admits.

It’s like a knife in the chest, hearing Jaemin say that. Even Jeno gasps, chastising Jaemin and looking between the two desperately. Jaemin, to his credit, looks remorseful, though he doesn’t make any effort to take back his words.

Jaemin’s statement really confirmed to Renjun everything he had been thinking all along. That he could leave and the two of them would be fine without him. Because they had each other, and at the end of the day, they were better lovers than Renjun had ever allowed himself to be.

So he gets up and heads quickly towards the door. “Renjun, wait! Please, let’s talk about this!” Jeno pleads.

“Don’t bother, Jeno,” Jaemin snarls. “He’s just going to run again. That’s all he ever does.”

Renjun proves him right, and is out the door in 5 seconds flat.

☽

Renjun thinks of going to the studio, but ironically, he doesn’t feel like being alone. That’s how he ends up on Donghyuck’s couch, ruining the romantic movie night his best friend had planned with his boyfriend. Chenle is immensely understanding (Renjun needs to make sure that Donghyuck keeps him) and goes to make them tea while Renjun pours his heart out to Donghyuck.

He explains everything to him. The bike ride, Jaemin’s anger, Jeno’s desperation, him running away like he always does. Donghyuck listens intently, though it’s a story he’s heard before.

“Can I ask you a question?” Donghyuck asks once he has finished. “Why do you keep running? Why do you keep pulling away?” Renjun doesn’t answer, instead choosing to bury his head in his hands, tugging at his hair in frustration.

“Is...Is it about your mom?” Donghyuck asks softly, careful to tread lightly on this sensitive topic. Renjun sighs deeply, and for the first time in a very long time, he is ready to talk about it.

“I leave before they can,” Renjun admits. “Because it just feels inevitable. If I can’t get my own mother to stay, how can I expect them both to keep me,” he breaks off into a sob. Donghyuck’s face falls, and he immediately moves forward to pull Renjun into a hug.

“Oh, Renjun baby,” Donghyuck hushes, rocking his best friend gently back and forth. Neither of them say anything for a while while Renjun tries to catch his breath. Chenle returns with their tea, offers to go pick them up food while they talk, and leaves again. Chenle isn’t necessarily good with words, but he knows how to be there for people in his own way.

Once Renjun calms down some more, Donghyuck begins again. “Renjun, tell me about your dad,” he prods gently, much to Renjun’s confusion. He clearly stated that his issues were with his mom and not his dad…

Donghyuck picks up on the confusion and pushes more. “I mean, what did he do when your mom left. How did he handle it?”

Renjun thinks contemplatively for a minute before finally answering. “It was really hard on him at first. To be honest, there were times when I felt like I was the parent and he was the child. But I took care of him when he needed it and he eventually got better,” he explains.

“Did you guys talk about what happened much?” Donghyuck prods more. Renjun doesn’t really follow his line of thinking but he answers diligently anyway.

“Umm… not really. I didn’t really want to make things worse for my dad by bringing it up. So I just kind of kept my feelings to myself and he did the same mostly,” Renjun admits.

“And how were you feeling, babe?” Donghyuck asks. “Let it all out, I am totally willing and able to listen to anything, don’t be afraid to hold back.

“I-I guess I felt abandoned?” Renjun admits. “And at first I was angry, that she thought she could just leave us and not face any consequences. But then I became sad. So fucking sad. She’s my mother. She’s supposed to love me unconditionally and she just left like I meant nothing to her…” Renjun breaks off and begins to cry again. Donghyuck just nods along, urging him to continue.

“And I guess over time I just told myself that I deserved it. That I just wasn’t loveable and wasn’t meant to have people be that close to me. Because in the end, I wouldn’t be able to give them enough to make them stay,” he finishes.

In all of his life, he had never admitted how he felt about the situation until now. The wound still feels so raw, even so many years later after he had pretended he had healed. He’s lucky to have a friend like Donghyuck who can talk through these things with him.

“And what about your dad?” Donghyuck asks again, and for the second time, Renjun doesn’t follow his train of thought. “He was also abandoned by one of the closest people to him. Do you think he deserved it? Is he also unworthy of love?” he prys.

“Wha-what?” Renjun whispers, mostly to himself. “N-no, I mean, of course not...” he trails off, Donghyuck interrupting him once more.

“Then why can’t you allow yourself the same grace?” he asks.

That is when it hits Renjun how incredibly unkind he has been to himself all of these years. How he not only let his mother’s betrayal ruin him in the moment, but how he ruined things for himself afterwards, and lost hope of finding love again in the future. How unfair to himself he has been.

“You look at the situation and you only see the abandonment. You don’t think of how much you had to overcome during that situation,” Donghyuck explains. “Your pain is a tribute and a testament to how strong you are. And how you were able to pull yourself out from under that dark, nasty cloud that’s been hovering over you for years.”

Renjun was so deep in his grieving process that he had never been able to see any light. He hadn’t ever thought that maybe there might have been some good that came out of his totally messed up life story. (God, he is so lucky to have a friend like Donghyuck.)

“Thank you,” Renjun mumbles, before throwing himself into his best friend’s arms. “You’re right, I haven’t been kind or forgiving to myself and it’s just making things harder for myself than they need to be,” he admits.

Donghyuck squeezes him tightly, “For what it’s worth, as your best friend, I think you are more worthy and deserving of love than anyone else I know,” he says sincerely. They stay like that, holding on to each other, until Chenle comes back with fresh Chinese takeout. Renjun’s mouth waters at the sight.

“Is this a bad time?” Chenle asks graciously. “I can grab a plate and leave you too alone if you still need more time to talk,” he offers. Renjun waves him off, and the three of them gather on the couch, all eating Renjun’s absolute favorite dishes. Renjun spends the night in between two of his closest friends, two people who care about him so fucking much, and in that moment, it’s easy to let himself feel loved.

☽

Renjun wakes up the next morning, cuddled in bed between his best friends, who had no problem making space for him in their bed. He’s grateful for their support, but right now, he thinks he needs something more in order to heal further. He slips out of bed, pulling on a sweater that is not his, before walking out onto Chenle and Donghyuck’s balcony. He dials a familiar number, feeling instantly comforted by the warm voice that greets him.

“My boy!” his father greets, sounding as happy to hear from him as always. Renjun hopes that joyful tone doesn’t go away once he brings up the one conversation topic they’ve been avoiding for years.

“H-hi dad,” Renjun replies, voice shaky with nerves, something his father picks up on immediately.

“Is something wrong?” his dad asks, voice concerned. It makes Renjun feel like a little kid again. Back when he had two parents, and no emotional trauma. He pushes on anyway, knowing that if they don’t have this conversation now, they likely never will.

“It’s just,” Renjun begins, hesitating. “I’ve been thinking a lot lately...ab-about mom,” he finally admits. His father lets out a gasp on the other end and then remains quiet.

“We never talked about,” Renjun speaks, voice almost desperate, trying to fill the void of silence. “And now that I am older and forming relationships, I want to be able to trust people again. But it’s hard because I am worried that they’ll leave like she did. And I want to heal from that, and I think talking about it might help,” he admits.

To his surprise, Renjun’s dad seems to agree with him. “I think you’re right, son,” he sighs. “I want to do anything to help you. To be a father to you in ways I wasn’t able to back then. And if talking about it will help, then say whatever you need to say.”

“Sometimes I blame myself for her leaving,” Renjun admits, voice breaking. “I must not have behaved well enough or helped out around the house enough. I thought that she left because… because I wasn’t worth staying for. I thought I wasn’t enough,” he finishes, choking off into a sob.

Renjun is worried about his dad’s response, but he answers right away. “Renjun, please don’t say that. The truth is, you could have been the most perfect child out there, and to me you are, and she still would have left. It was never about you, or even me. It was always about her,” he explains.

“Your mother had a mental break a couple years before she left. You were probably too young to remember. But I think she just couldn’t handle it. The stress of having to provide for a child, and be a good wife. To her, having no responsibilities and freedom to do anything she wanted was what she always craved. So she left,” his dad continued.

“Is it wrong that I am still angry at her for it?” Renjun asks. “That I think she is selfish for choosing to be a parent and then abandoning that duty when it got to be too much for her?” he questions.

His dad tuts, and Renjun can practically imagine him shaking his head. “Of course not. Abandoning your child is an objectively shitty thing to do. But you can’t keep punishing yourself for her mistakes,” he consoles.

“Sometimes I get scared that I’m going to end up like her,” Renjun admits. “I-I am in a relationship right now. And sometimes I think about leaving even though nothing is wrong. Because I’m scared. I’m so terrified that they are going to leave me just like she did. It makes no sense, I’m scared of them leaving so I think of leaving. I’m the same as her, and I’m trying to change but…” he continues before his dad cuts him off.

“You are not the same, Renjun. Your worries make perfect sense given the trauma you went through. And I know it better than anyone, because I went through the same thing. But I started seeing a therapist, and I realized that I am not responsible for other people’s mistakes. And I am not a reflection of those who cannot love me,” he explains.

Renjun stays on the line, crying while his dad tries to console him. It feels so raw to finally talk about it after all of this time. But it feels good. “What do I do, dad? How do I stop feeling like this?”

“First of all, you need to stop running,” his dad explains. “People will come and go, but the ones who are meant to be in your life will always find a way to be there for you. You need to trust the people you love most to stay, and accept those who choose to leave. Renjun, you’re stronger than anyone I know. I know for a fact, you can handle anything. You just need to believe in yourself and in your relationships.”

Renjun nods, though his father can’t see him. “I’m going to try. I think I’m finally ready to heal,” Renjun says, speaking mostly to himself. For the first time since his mom left, he is choosing to actively face his trauma, and not let it get the best of him.

“Speaking of moving on,” his dad interrupts, sounding sheepish. “I, uh started seeing someone,” he confesses, catching Renjun totally off guard.

“What?” Renjun practically yells, already demanding details. His father launches into a story about healing, meeting a therapist, going on dates, finding someone new to share his time with. His dad sounds happy, and Renjun can’t help but think that maybe the Huang men are going to be alright after all.

☽

Renjun leaves Donghyuck and Chenle’s apartment shortly after he ends his call with his dad, but not before Donghyuck practically shoves breakfast down his best friend’s throat. Renjun, not ready to go home just yet, heads to the studio.

He picks up a blank canvas and puts it on his easel. Like clockwork, he begins with a stroke of pink, and a stroke of brown. He barely thinks while he is painting, hand moving almost on instinct. He paints and paints and paints, hours creeping away from him before he finally steps back to admire his work.

Staring back at him is the face of the woman who left him all those years ago. But, surprisingly, he isn’t thinking of her at all. In fact, his mind is drifting back to the two boys who he left at home, after he ran away once again.

The first time they ever met, on the rooftop watching the sunrise, Renjun had a very specific thought. It doesn't get better than this.. But to his surprise, it did. Every moment with Jeno and Jaemin got better and better than the last. And it terrified him.

Renjun let himself act out of fear and not love. He let his trauma get the best of him, to the point where it began to sacrifice his happiness. And he was done letting his demons win.

He loves Jeno and Jaemin, more than anything. He knows that they love him too, and will do anything to take care of him, even when he has a hard time reciprocating. And now, after all of this time, after giving them practically everything he has, he is willing to give them one last part of himself: his trust.

Renjun takes his canvas, paint still drying, and carefully carries it across campus. It’s time to explain everything to the ones he loves the most. It’s time to go home.

Renjun enters the apartment half expecting it to be empty. To his surprise, both of his boyfriends are there, and they both look devastated. For the first time in all of the time they’ve been together, it looks like they have been crying. This observation is only confirmed when Jaemin bursts into tears the second he locks eyes with Renjun.

Renjun lets himself be pulled into a hug while Jaemin cries into his neck. “I’m so sorry,” he sobs, shaking in Renjun’s arms. “I didn’t mean it. You are just as much my boyfriend as Jeno is and I took my anger out on you because I was frustrated about the bike ride. Please don’t leave us. I need you, we need you Junnie, and I’m so sorry I haven’t been patient with you.”

Renjun sighs, heart breaking at the apology from his boyfriend, who really doesn’t have much to apologize for. “Listen, we need to talk-” he begins, before he is cut off by his other boyfriend breaking into sobs and curling into himself.

Renjun looks at him in shock, before realizing the implication of his words. He immediately rushes to Jeno and pulls him in for a hug, rubbing his back until he has calmed down and can breathe properly again. He then leads them both to the couch, making sure to grab his canvas on the way.

His boyfriend’s look at the canvas in his arms curiously, before Renjun turns it to them to get a proper view. “This is my mother,” he explains. “She left me and my father when I was 10, and she never came back,” he says sadly. Jeno and Jaemin don’t say anything right away, though their eyes both well with tears at the admission.

Renjun ends up telling them everything. How he came home from school and found the note. How his dad was so depressed afterwards. How he kept everything to himself, letting only Donghyuck know because he was too ashamed for people to know the truth. How he was so scared of every relationship he had ever had because he was afraid of them leaving him too. How he thought he was always meant to be left behind.

He explained that he kept pulling away from Jeno and Jaemin, not because he didn’t love them, but because of the opposite. He loved them so much that it terrified him. He was so scared that he wouldn’t be enough for them, and they would leave him just like she did. But he’s done thinking like that. After all the time, Renjun feels finally ready to accept the fact that he is worthy of love too.

“So please don’t apologize, Jaem. You have nothing to be sorry for. Both of you are the best boyfriends I could have asked for. And I am so sorry I haven’t shown you the same love back. It’s always been there, I promise it’s there. It’s just hard for me to express it,” Renjun apologizes.

Instead of responding, his boyfriends pull him in between them and hold him so tightly. They’re all crying, but it doesn’t feel sad. It feels like healing.

“Oh baby,” Jeno speaks up. “No wonder you always act so afraid, there is a hole where your heart lies.”

Renjun nods sadly pulling away to look at them boy. “But I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want to trust you guys fully, and over time, I want that hole to finally heal fully…” he trails off.

Jaemin reaches for him and pulls him in for a deep kiss. “And we are going to be there every step of the way. I know it may be hard for you to believe given your past trauma, but I’m not leaving. I’m in this for the long haul,” he promises.

“Me too,” Jeno butts in. “And everytime you run, I will be right there to chase you. Because I love you, and I’m not letting you go for anything.”

Every instinct in Renjun’s body is telling him to reject the confessions, to not let himself get too comfortable. And for the first time in a while, he ignores them. Instead, he melts into his boyfriends and lets them know just how much they mean to him.

☽

“Renjun, can I ask you a question?” Jaemin ponders aloud. It's much later now, and the three of them are tangled in bed, Renjun snuggled in between his boyfriends who refuse to let him go. Renjun hums in approval and Jaemin continues.

“Why did you put a pink streak in your mother’s hair?” he asks, and Renjun bolts up, taking a look at the painting that is still drying across the room. Sure enough there is pink in her hair.

Blushing, Renjun explains his painting process, and how he begins each painting. A little bit of pink for Jaemin, and a little bit of brown for Jeno. Jaemin blushes at the confession, but Jeno just laughs.

“Renjun, I know you get down on yourself sometimes because you don’t feel like you show us enough love, but there are so many subtle things that you do that make me feel so loved that it takes my breath away,” Jeno admits.

“Well, just in case, I want to reaffirm to the both of you that I love you very much. More than anything,” Renjun confesses. “And everything I ever did, was just another way to scream your name.”

Renjun proclaims his love for them and they accept it so easily. And when they return the favor moments later, Renjun does the same.

☽

“God, I’m so nervous,” Jeno admits, wiping his palms on his pants. Jeno is far too overdressed for the occasion, Renjun notes, but he thinks it’s cute how dead-set he is on making a good first impression.

Jaemin doesn’t pay attention to either of them, instead going over the Chinese phrases he knows over and over again, practicing even though the people they are meeting can speak Korean.

“Renjun,” a voice calls from across the restaurant, and their heads immediately turn to the man rushing over and pulling their boyfriend into a hug. He then pulls away to greet both of them, a second man trailing behind him.

“Hello,” he greets, sticking out a hand for them to shake. “My name is Kun, I’m Renjun’s father. And this is my partner Ten,” he adds, turning to introduce everyone to his new boyfriend.

“Dad, Ten, these are my boyfriends, Jeno and Jaemin,” Renjun responds. They all exchange pleasantries before heading to their table. Jeno is so nervous that he almost spills his drink on Ten, but he loosens up by the time the main course arrives.

The five of them spend the evening together eating, drinking, talking, and most importantly laughing. No one would be able to guess that two of the men at the table were victims of immeasurable trauma.

But none of that matters anymore. Because Renjun is sitting with the most important people to him and he is no longer afraid of what is to come. In fact, he trusts that everyone there (even Ten who he just met) will always be there to take care of him if he needs it.

Renjun’s mother may have been a runner, but he has no plans to follow in her footsteps. Renjun is going to stay.

☽