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You could be happy and I won't know,
but you weren't happy the day I watched you go.
It was a cold night of October 10th when they both decided to draw the line. Exhaustion evident in each other’s eyes from all the fighting that had happened prior that day. They struggle hard from doing something they would regret entirely later on. But some things are just bound to happen, regardless of the circumstances.
“Is this really what you want?” Sehun’s voice was strained, as he fought back the tears. He doesn’t want to be the first one to cry this time. Oh, even in the end, he still stuck with his pride.
Luhan, on the other hand, had lost his resolve. His cheeks soaked in tears and lips quivering almost violently. It wasn’t supposed to hurt like this, he thinks. They had seen this coming months ago, when they had fought more than they made up. Wounding words were thrown back and forth, Sehun this and Luhan that. Everything was just becoming too much to handle. “It’s for the best, Sehun-ah.” Luhan answers, barely audible. Even in the end, he still loves to call him that way.
“Okay then, Lu…Okay.” He watches Luhan take out all his things, stuff it in a luggage and head for the door. When the other spares a second to look back, Sehun doesn’t meet his eyes. He never liked seeing Luhan cry, not now when he had been the one who caused it.
And all the things that I wished I had not said
are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head.
Sehun had always been reliant on his pride. Even when he is wrong, he still likes to believe that he’s right. This fact had brought him a lot of mishaps in life. From school brawls to fist fights in clubs, name it and it will be on Sehun’s record. It’s safe to say that he had regret—if not all, then—most of the shit he’d done because of his pride, they weren’t something to be proud about after all. But if anything, Sehun was very sure that out of all the dumb crap he’d pull off in the past, there is only thing he doesn’t regret. And would most likely never will in a million years.
The day he met Luhan was like the usual days. With his favourite ripped jeans and leather jacket on, Sehun strode through the busy streets, heading to the dance studio he works at. He was late again, unsurprisingly and would probably get another yelling from his best friend—Jongin’s—boyfriend. That was the last thing he wanted to happen. But it seemed life would just not have it. Because just as he was about to cross the street, a slight commotion caught his eyes. By the alley a few steps away from where he stood, a mugging was taking place. The man with honey-blond hair looked helpless against the two brusque, ogre-like pricks. But he didn’t look wavered by them, even seemed like he was about to fight back.
And because Sehun liked to rely on his pride so much, he wasn’t just about to let this slip by.
A black-eye and a few possibly broken ribs later, he was sitting side-by-side with a honey-blond haired boy at a hospital—waiting for his turn. Sehun looked at him with much affliction, mostly because his body was aching so badly and partly because the boy had been clinging onto him like a koala bear, shivering in fear, the moment he’d saved him. He looked like he was barely out of high school, contrary to what the information on his I.D. says. Apparently, his name is Luhan and like Sehun, he’s also attending university. The one near his too. And on the way there, those two nauseating scoundrels decide to steal from him.
“Of course I had to fight back!” Luhan exclaims when the other asks him why he didn’t just comply with the muggers, and Sehun couldn’t help but mentally coo at him because he really did look like a baby. “This is for my tuition at the university, and I did not just take a part-time job cleaning toilets just to have my money stolen from me.” He pouts. And oh, Christ. Why is he too adorable?
As far as Sehun knows, he only goes for girls with nice racks. He’s had his fair share of breaking hearts when he was younger, sweeping ladies off of their feet only to drop them when he already feels tired. But he started laying low when he reached college, only dating a few here and there, never taken seriously though. What Sehun doesn’t know is that he’s had a complete misconception of the human body’s tendencies all along.
It was only 5 weeks after his meeting with Luhan, when his bruises had healed along with his ribs with the help of honey-blond hair boy himself and Jongin’s boyfriend had given him a week-off to rest, that Sehun realized he didn’t just like girls with nice racks.
Also boys who resemble koala bears, have nice honey-blond hair, wide round eyes and a rather angelic voice.
Luhan.
Luhan.
Luhan.
Sehun had always been reliant on his pride. Even when he’s wrong, he still likes to believe that he’s right. This fact is the sole reason why he’s been curled up on what used to be his and Luhan’s shared bed for two and half weeks straight. The words he had hurled unto the other won’t stop replaying inside his head. He feels lost and most of all, bereft of life. Because without Luhan, he might as well be.
“Tell me, Luhan. Did it feel so damn good whoring around those men when I wasn’t around?! You good for nothing, slut. I should have left you to those muggers, you’d probably enjoy them anyway”
It was like a broken tape inside his brain. His own words eating him alive. He shouldn’t have said it, he should have known better than to let his pride get the worst of him. Sehun felt like a monster for doing so. He blamed himself eternally. He deserves it anyway.
Is it too late to remind you how we were?
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur.
Luhan stands outside their apartment door. Two cups of bubble tea and ddeokbokki, Sehun’s favorites. It’s been a long two months for him, finding solace in his best friend—Yixing’s—house for the meantime. They haven’t spoken since he left, and the guilt of just leaving like that had been keeping him up all night.
How could he just leave Sehun, the person who had saved his life despite being strangers to each other? The man had even given him the privilege to love and be loved. He protected him in many ways he could, held his hand, made him feel special every day, brought him flowers and plushies, sang to him (despite his unflattering voice, danced for and with him, and wiped his tears when he cried. Took him to the university and fetched him back. Listened to every song he’s ever written and his dreams of singing all of it on stage. He faced his parents with him, despite getting reprimanded and told to leave immediately. He still loved him after that. For four years, he did all of that for him.
In the fifth year, he asked Luhan to marry him.
In the fifth year, they fought and argued for a long time; said things they wish they could take back.
And in the fifth year, they decided that breaking apart was the only answer left.
“I wish I’d never met you! I wish you’d never come into my life and made me feel so useless all the time. I wish you’d just leave me alone!”
Luhan never meant all of it, he’s sure of that. What he wanted was the angry Sehun to calm down, and embrace him and wipe his tears like he always does. But that never happened. He’d always had that feeling of insecurity gnawing in his guts, that one day, this man he loved the most would grow tired of him because he depended on him too much. But what could Luhan do? He’d spent most of his life depending on himself, and for once in his life, someone took a chance on him and said, “Don’t cry anymore, Lu. You can come to me all the time and tell me everything, even the most random things. I’ve got you now.”
The last time he ran to Sehun, the love of his life just looked him with spite in his eyes and turned away.
He doesn’t have him anymore.
While Luhan contemplates whether to ring the doorbell to face whatever the future’s got in store for him and Sehun or not, he takes a stroll down memory lane and reminisces of the good, happy days of them together. It was cut short though, as he heard a familiar voice coming from the other side of the door. It was Jongin, Sehun’s best friend, talking rather fast that he couldn’t really understand. But he was sure it was some sort of a joke, because a much more familiar voice followed. Sehun’s. He was laughing, so hard. It was genuine, the kind that he emits when Luhan foreshadows his favorite lines in Disney movies.
So Luhan takes a step back. The love of his life seems happy now. Without him by his side. And maybe they were both right on their decision. And that he shouldn’t regret any of it. At least one of them isn’t miserable anymore. He hopes this one he’s about to make would be right as well.
Luhan turns around and leaves.
Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door.
Eight months later, Sehun dyed his platinum blond hair dark brown and had moved out of their his apartment and to a new one near Jongin’s and his boyfriend’s two months prior. None of the old things from his old home were thrown away, just kept safely in the attic along with the mechanical tools he bought just in case. Sehun’s room is much smaller now, only a single bed by the window, a dresser, a cupboard and a full body-length mirror. It was simpler like this, more solitary. Doesn’t really mean much happier.
Jongin had been coaxing him to go out and maybe snag a few dates again, but whenever he’s close to considering the idea, it was always Luhan that would flash across his mind. If he goes out on dates, Sehun thinks, it’s only going to be with Lu and Lu alone. He has decided on that one for now.
Sehun still wishes to turn back time, so he could not have given up on them so easily.
In another part of the world, China to be exact, Luhan was rushing to work again. His hair now a darker shade of ash blond than the former. It is on days like this when he would just choose to stay home, bury himself under the comforters and marathon TV series. He’d hidden his collection of Disney films that moment he moved back to China with Yixing two months ago, because he didn’t want to have to wake up with swollen eyes every single morning. Although right now, Luhan felt tempted to dig out those boxes at the far corner of his cupboard and cry to Mulan all day long.
When he reaches his workplace, a recording company, the lady at the reception area greets him kindly to which he greets back. The moment he turned towards the elevator, Luhan felt his world tilt. Because for some damned reason, the universe decides to play tricks on his mind. There stood a man, covered in ripped jeans and leather jacket. His hair wasn’t blond, but could it be still? No, no it probably isn’t. Luhan’s heart beats erratically as he walks closer. He was anxious, and excited all together. Like the first time Sehun had taken him out for a date. Wait. He shouldn’t be thinking of him now. It’s been almost a year.
Luhan’s questions were answered when the man shifted a little, facing his direction. It’s not him. Not Sehun. He should be relieved, but why did he feel the complete opposite?
You could be happy, I hope you are.
You made me happier than I'd been by far.
Somehow everything I own smells of you,
and for the tiniest moment it's all not true.
May 20th // Supposed-to-be 6 year anniversary
Sehun is sprawled across his living room floor, tired out from practicing his dance routine again and again. The group he’s part of—together with Jongin—had joined a competition, and it’s a pretty big deal. So he had been grinding extra hard these past couple of weeks.
His phone began vibrating, a familiar tune playing in the background. Puzzled, Sehun takes it out of his pocket and almost instantly drops it on his face. There on the screen was his photo with Luhan when they took a trip to Disneyland, huge smiles on their faces and Lu’s hair was tied up in front, making him look like an apple. His heart begins to ache badly as he reads the text below. “Happy 6 th anniversary, my Lulu~! <3” He closes his eyes and lets the phone fall on the carpeted floor. Suddenly, everything smells like how it had been a year ago. The fruity scent from Luhan’s pillow that he loved to sniff every morning, the strawberry flavored lotion he’d bought him for his birthday (which they’d used for many various activities). Everything just smelled of Luhan, Luhan and god damn it, Luhan.
“I know you’re in there, Lu! Come out right now or I’ll fucking break down your door!”
It has been approximately 30 minutes since Yixing arrived and began coaxing him out of his room, but Luhan would still not budge. He’d given into temptation and reunited himself with his babies again [read: Disney films]. Mulan 2 was no playing on his TV screen and he just couldn’t find the energy to get up and leave the house.
Five minutes later, the door bursts open and Yixing comes in looking mighty pissed. “Alright, get your ass up! You will not wallow on your sadness or continue this pity party longer.” He states firmly before hauling the smaller Chinese man on his feet. His eyes were, of course, swollen now and his nose bright red. “We’re going to have fun, okay?”
In conclusion, Luhan surely did not have fun. The moment they got to the mall, he started tearing up because a very familiar song played in one of the stores. Yixing had to drag him away because Luhan was almost wailing out the lines when he tried to sing along, tears brimming in his eyes again.
只要是你和我 一起走下去
天堂在随时和随地 .
When they tried to find something to eat, Luhan insisted on looking for tteokbokki and so they spent another half hour searching for a Korean place. In the end, he nearly cried again while stuffing his face with the food he’d requested for.
Luhan himself felt perpetually puzzled on why he’s been acting like this. Until his phone begins to vibrate and a reminder popped up on the screen, along with a photograph he’s quite fond of from years ago.
Happy 6th anniversary, my Sehun-ah!! See you soon, my baby~!
Do the things that you always wanted to,
without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do.
With no doubt, Sehun nails it on their dance competition. They land champions, were offered new and bigger opportunities. They’re set out to America for another one, and Sehun takes it in a heartbeat.
He’s happy, he thinks. He’s happy for now. He thinks of Luhan every now and then, but he has to do this. He has to be better, just in case time permits they meet again in the future.
Luhan stands in the middle of the busy airport, a light luggage in hand and his guitar strapped on his back. He was assigned to a particular job in another country, somewhere far. Anxiety started creeping up on him, but then he remembered how much he’s wanted to do this ever since. This was what he studied and worked so hard for.
He feels happy most of all. Finally .
More than anything I want to see you,
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world.
An entire year passed by like flash, what with all the schedules and dance rehearsals Sehun had to attend to. But now they’d been given an entire week off, Jongin had taken the opportunity to get on with the wedding plans with Kyungsoo—the boyfriend, while deciding to take a stroll around his hometown since it had, indeed, been a very long while.
He reaches the Han River, and takes out his phone to take a photo of the beautiful sight. The clock reads 8:00 pm, October 10. He vividly remembers everything. Sehun decides not to and carries on to his one-man excursion. He indulges himself in the peaceful atmosphere of the night, it wasn’t the most silent one but he felt solace.
Well, until his feet brought him to the plaza where a bunch of people had gathered at. About fifty screaming teenage girls welcomed him. They seem to be trying to catch the attention of the person up front. So he strides through the crowd until he almost reaches the front. That’s when he sees what his heart has been longing for, for past years. And he smiles, the most genuine smile he could muster up. He hadn’t done it in months, because he found no reason to.
But tonight, he finally did.
Luhan stands on stage, looking absolutely ethereal as ever. With a guitar in hand and a dazzling smile on his face, he sings the lyrics to the song. His own song. One that Sehun’s heard before. He should’ve recognized the tune even from afar. But it doesn’t matter now.
Here was his Luhan, doing what he’d always wanted to do the most. And he’s happy, Sehun could tell. The love of his life taking a bite out of the world.
As if the universe had planned for all this to happen, a second passes and Luhan’s gaze meets his. The smile on his face wavers for a while, and Sehun frowns. He backs away just a little bit, contemplating whether to just leave or stay. But Luhan decides for him when he smiles again, and to him this time. Tears were starting to brim in his eyes and it took everything from Sehun to not run up the stage and wipe it just like he always did.
And when Luhan finishes his set, he finds himself running towards the crowd, all the while looking for a face he once knew so well—and still does. He finally finds him standing by the side, both hands in his pockets and looking a whole lot like Adonis.
“Hi.” The singer says as he approaches the other.
Sehun smiles at him, eyes turning into crescents. “Hi.”
They were both awkward, just like the very first time they decided to have a proper dinner date together. It was all too overwhelming.
“Luhan,” Sehun starts, his gaze focused on the smaller boy. “Can…I ask you something?”
A hint of worry flashes on Sehun’s face, but disappears instantly. “What is it, Sehun-ah?”
“Are you happy now?”
“Yes, I guess. I’m happy now. I...Wh—"
That smile, full of fondness, appears on Sehun’s face again as he slowly backs away from the other. “Then that’s all I need to know.” he turns and walks away.