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I.
They were winning but why did it feel like he was losing everything? He holds on to Atsumu tightly. As the son of Hades, he could feel his soul slipping away from his reach; and even then, he is surrounded by Atsumu's warmth, seeping deep into the crevices of his soul (as if it were his last goodbye). "Omi-omi." Atsumu holds on to Kiyoomi's blood-soaked hands. "Don't miss me too much, yeah?"
"Like hell, I would, you idiot. You can't die now. I'm not letting you." He presses hard on Atsumu's gaping wound on his abdomen in an attempt to suppress the bleeding. He was bleeding, himself, but not as bad as Atsumu. Not as lethal. "Damn it, Miya! Stop healing me! Save your energy for yourself."
He frantically searches for the ambrosia Atsumu keeps in a plastic bag in case of emergencies.
"I'm sorry, Omi-kun."
II.
Kiyoomi blends into the darkness from shadow to shadow, traveling in short but quick intervals down to the underworld where Hades dwells. He grew colder and colder as he neared his father's palace. (Maybe it was a side-effect coming from the underworld itself, or maybe it was from losing too much blood in battle.)
One last jump and he finds himself in Hades' hall of judgment with Hades on his black onyx throne elevated on a higher platform as he passes judgment on the soul of the man who kneels down in front of the king of the underworldーhis flesh and ribs bared open to reveal an empty pericardial cavity that should have contained the dead man's heart. Instead, he finds the man's heart sitting atop the golden scale.
He waits for his father to finish passing judgment before he pleads his case.
III.
Hades needn't call out Kiyoomi Sakusa to come out of the shadows of the pillars.
"Atsumu Miya died today. Please allow me to bring him back to the land of the living."
Succinct and straight to the point. Hades is not at all surprised. Truth be told, when he heard of the death of Apollo's child, he expected his son to be there any moment now.
Sensing no visual or verbal responses, Kiyoomi kneels down in front of him and said, "Father, you gave Orpheus a chance; won't you give your own son a chance too? I have cleared your name two summers ago and I brought honor back to the House of Hades. I have never asked for anything before from you, but if I have ever found favor in your eyes then please grant me this one request."
Hades gets up from his throne and melts into the shadow. He reappears in front of Kiyoomi and places his hand on his shoulder. "You have found favor in my eyes, Kiyoomi. But it is as you have said; Orpheus has set a precedent and because of that I cannot set up easier conditions. I cannot tip the scalesーnot even for you."
Kiyoomi, still kneeling, answers, "The conditions you have set up for Orpheus are more than enough."
Hades could not read the boy at all. "The underworld is designed to prevent souls from going back to the land of the living. It will be a cold, dark, and treacherous journey."
At this, he tilts his head up to look directly into Hades' eyes. "That is true; but what is a cold, dark, and treacherous journey to a life without my best friend and partner."
"I am well aware of the stakes but I have nothing left to lose." Determination and hope is evident in the way his eyes gleamed (ーand fear evident in the tremble of his hands. After this, there won't be any second chances left.)
"Very well." Those eyes were that of a man who will not back down. Hades knows this. After all, he had seen the same glint of hope and determination in the mirror before. "You are my son. You have all the advantages Orpheus would have wished he had. Use them wisely."
Kiyoomi was about to leave when Hades said, "You already know this, but still, I'll have to warn you before you go. Whatever happens, do not look back."
IV.
"It's like you are your own little universe," Atsumu would tell him. "The human body and the universe have more similarities than you'd think. It is always seeking to maintain balance. Scientists made terms to describe phenomenons such as theseーosmosis and diffusion. I guess it's also like the force in Star Wars, Omi-omi. Except, the Jedis were too lazy to think of terminologies so they settled to calling it the force."
"And here I thought you were going to say something smart."
"You can't even tell if what I said was true. If you wanted to hear something smart and true then you should've gone to the Athena kids."
"And yet here I am."
"And yet here you are."
The Underworld seeks to maintain homeostasis; he knows this because when the gates of hell opened up two summers ago, he felt a disturbance in the balance of the universe.
The souls that came after them were not violent at all. All of them are harmless except for the fact that every time a hand, or a leg, or any other body parts pass through him, he is overwhelmed by the feeling of doubt. Atsumu isn't following him. He won't bring him back. He'll fail. Hadn't three heroes already tried and failed?
Being the son of the Lord of the Dead, he knows that Atsumu is trailing behind him in a safe distance. He just doesn't know which among them is Atsumu. Normally, he has no trouble locating souls; and normally, he can pinpoint the location of a certain soul, but he was surrounded by death and every soul is too much like the other souls.
Not only that but the pressure is also almost unbearable for him. This wasn’t like any of his other visits way down under the ground.
He pauses for a while to grab the flattened ambrosia he had kept in his jacket's pocket. He needs to eat if he wants to make it out of the Underworld with Atsumu alive. He feels a bit of his strength coming back to him when he takes a bite out of Atsumu's flattened ambrosia.
He thumbs the patterns on the necklace he has around his neck before proceeding. It has seven beads signifying seven years of his stay in Camp Halfblood. Among those seven years, he has known Atsumu for six. He admits that he didn't like him at first; but now, he sees him as a partner and a companion. In those six years, Atsumu has become someone he has come to trust and rely on. (A feat that no one had ever come close to achieving with the son of Hades.)
He must go on for the man who saved his life countless times; physically, mentally, and emotionally. He must go on for his friend who admitted to him on a rainy night that he wanted to live a full life and grow old and have kids and that he didn't ask to be made like… like thisーa child born with a death sentence scheduled for when he reaches adolescence.
He has every reason to see this through and not look back but the urge to turn around and just check if Atsumu is following, or if Atsumu is completely intact (complete limbs and all), or to just look at him grows stronger and stronger every moment that passes by.
Doubt fills his heart.
Three great heroes have tried and failed to bring back a loved one.
Orpheus with his great musical talent had failed.
Hercules with his great strength and willpower had failed.
Houdini with his ability to escape even death had failed.
He'll fail.
The balanced scales will not be kind, especially not to a son of Hades.
His heart keeps on getting heavier as if it were pushing outward; as if it were pushing his stomach down and his lungs out of his thoracic cavity.
Kiyoomi couldn't breathe.
V.
Atsumu was 13 when he first witnessed Sakusa having a panic attack.
He was injured with a broken arm and a fractured rib; and Atsumu was in charge of taking care of Sakusa who, he would later learn, couldn't stand being so (in the words of Kiyoomi Sakusa himself) useless.
The Hades cabin is a windowless cabin whose only source of light is the greek fire that burns brightly and constantly. But this time, Sakusa was surrounded in tendrils of shadows that extended to the walls of his cabin and made the floor look like a bottomless pit. It was as if darkness was eating up the light in the room.
He had been 14 when Sakusa finally opened up his world to him. It made it easier for Atsumu to stay with him during his panic attacks.
As per doctor's orders (written and prescribed by Atsumu himself, as one of the camp's assigned medics), Sakusa should be allowed to have someone sleep over in his cabin. To avoid loneliness. And so that Sakusa can have someone with him. "It keeps the shadows at bay," Atsumu would say.
Chiron didn't deny this request, and thus the sleepovers have started.
"You can have the other bed if you're so intent on staying the night," Sakusa had told him.
But Atsumu can tell that he wants him to stay because he gave him the fluffiest pillow that he has. He had also changed the bedsheets (typical Sakusa behavior but Atsumu likes giving meaning to every little gesture). And most importantly, the mere fact that he allowed him to spend the night shows that he does want Atsumu to stay.
He knows how stubborn Sakusa can be if he doesn't like something so this is really a huge step forward in their friendship.
He had been 16 when they first shared the same bed.
It wasn't weird at all, noーholding Kiyoomi close and feeling his warm breath against the skin of his neck; gently running his fingers up and down Kiyoomi's spine while he opens up about his childhood trauma; pulling him closer whenever he pauses because the memory is too much.
No, it wasn't weird; it was comforting. It was comforting to know that he was not alone and it was comforting to know that someone trusts him enough to allow him to feel their pain and to share the burden they carry. (And quite literally, too, since being a child of Apollo allows him to feel their pain and "make their load lighter", as Apollo would say.)
And it did make his load lighter. He'd seen it in how Kiyoomi sleeps better. He'd seen it in how his skin glowed a healthier color. He'd seen it in the declining occurrences of shadowy tendrils (although, they made sure to still put up a show whenever Kiyoomi had to sit alone by the Hades table during dinner).
"Hey. Back when we got lost in the labyrinth, I'm glad it was you who I got stuck in there with." It was just a statement. It wasn't supposed to mean anything big. Yet, Atsumu, age 17, sitting by the windowsill in the Apollo cabin's infirmary, was not at all surprised by the realization that dawned upon him.
He should have seen it coming from a mile away, really. It was a realization 4 years in the making.
"Hey. It's no big deal."
"It is. At least, to me. You ー you calm me down. As much as I hate to admit it."
"Omi-omi, that belongs to the top 10 sweetest things you've ever said to me."
"You know what?"
"Wait, no! Don't take it back! I'm only kidding!"
And then it was that damn laugh again. He heard a cheesy line once in one of his twin's audiobooks that said that if he could bottle up the sound of their laughter, he would and he'd get drunk on it every night. He laughed at it once. He never expected that he'd go through exactly the same thought process. The thought scared him.
"Okay, but in all seriousness, Miya."
"So, I'm Miya again to you."
"Thank you for being there for me."
Kiyoomi had learned to associate the darkness with quiet and peaceful nights with Atsumu who would sing him lullabies which he would never admit that he loved; with the busy mornings when Atsumu would quietly slide into his cabin, and with no words needed, he'd let him rest in one of the empty beds (one time, Atsumu told him that he liked the shadows that Kiyoomi would surround him in when the sun was too high and already too bright. It was comfortable, he said).
He lets the darkness consume his vicinity and allows himself to stay there for what he thinks is a few minutes, letting himself drown in the memories of the comfort of his touch and the sound of his voice.
And once the voices in his head have quieted down, he allows the shadows to subside. He is ready to continue.
VI.
Persephone's garden is a gift from Hades himself; and during the six months that she resides there, it is more beautiful than any spring fields on the surface of the earth.
The garden of Persephone exists neither in the physical realm nor in Hades' realm. It is by itself; existing in the same place as the underworld, but on a different plane of existenceー a different layer, as the artists would say.
Kiyoomi had seen Persephone's garden before. It had taken a lot of concentration to see beyond a plane. It had been like seeing layers overlapping, with one being slightly more blurry than the other.
A pomegranate tree stood in what he assumed was the middle of the garden. The pomegranate tree in the garden overlapped perfectly with the pomegranate tree in Hades' realm. The flowers in her garden glowed in the moonlight. Human beings and creatures petrified by Medusa herself were slowly being consumed by nature as tendrils of her plants crept up the statues.
But today was summer; and Persephone walked up above. There aren't any flowers here, not until the Queen of the Underworld returns. It was barren and gloomy. Whatever life it had before, it has lost now.
Still, he opted to shift his attention to this plane. It was better than having to deal with a full field of nothing but roaming mindless ghosts. They were, before shifting to the goddess of springtime's garden, in the fields of Asphodel.
Dead. Everything was dead. That's to be expected in Hades' realm, but this was different. This place was normally vibrant, alive; but now it's dead. (Just like Atsumu, he thought.)
Was Atsumu aware of his surroundings? Was he a mindless ghost floating around, trying to keep up with him only because he sensed that he should? Would he remember this if (rather, when) he makes it out alive?
He has to make it out alive. Atsumu wanted to live a full life. He didn't ask to be a halfblood.
And there were still things left unsaid between them.
VII.
"I need to tell you something, Omi."
"Whatever it is, you can tell me after we make it through this alive."
"Tomorrow, then? At sunrise?"
"Sure."
VIII.
The Underworld seeks to maintain balance. Atsumu Miya is not supposed to be here. No dead being should be halfway through the Land of the Dead and the Land of the Living.
And just like how it should be, the unseen forces are making this too damn difficult for them. He feels the pull of the ground, the resistance of the atmosphere. Kiyoomi must have felt him lagging behind because his pace slowed down.
An unselfish part of him wants to tell Kiyoomi to forget about himーto live his life and move on without him. But he wonders what life would have been had he lived longer, had he told him how he felt. Maybe, just maybe, they'll have something more than lingering glances and touches that last a moment too long.
He wants to reach out to Kiyoomi, to assure him that he's here. He's following him. They'll get through this together. All he wants is for Kiyoomi to know that he is not alone. Even in silence, all he wants is to reach out and put his hand in his.
He can't talk to him. He can't be near him. All of this is in accordance with the laws of this land regarding this matter.
IX.
"...Late at night, I call my long distance lover,
proudly say I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.
When she doesn’t respond,
I know she’s used up all her words,
so I slowly whisper I love you
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe."
ー The Quiet World, Jeffrey McDaniel
"How about you? What would you do if you were given only a hundred and sixty-seven words to spend each day? How would you use it?"
"I doubt I'll be using that much." Kiyoomi yawns. "You should worry about yourself."
"Careful," Atsumu grins. "I might consider it a challenge; getting you to use one hundred sixty-seven words on me."
Atsumu almost didn't notice when Kiyoomi said, "Are you going to leave me?"
"Huh?"
"When you use up all your words. All a hundred and sixty-seven of them."
"Do you want me to?"
"I don't know."
"Then." Atsumu looks at Kiyoomi who was staring off into the sunset. "We'll just sit there and listen to each other's breathing."
"That's… a weird way to put it."
"Hey! You asked!"
X.
Atsumu follows in silence. He has a clear view of Kiyoomi's back from here and he can see that his breathing is unsteady. Was he crying? Are they going to take a short break again?
"Atsumu." Kiyoomi's voice cracked and his heart shattered at the sound of this. He could see him shaking and all he wants to do is to be beside him. And if he'll allow it, hold his hand or hold him in his arms.
"I don't know if you're listening. Or if you can even hear me. Heck, I can't even tell anymore if you're still there."
How badly he wanted to tell him I'm here! Go on, I won't leave you.
"I hate your stupid grin. I hate your stupid antics. I hate your stupid face and how it's always on my mind." Atsumu can tell it took a lot for him to say it.
"YouーIーI'm sorry. I don't hate you at all. Not even a little bit." He wipes his eyes.
"You had every quality I ever loathed. But you made it so damn easy toーto… nothing, nevermind."
It's okay. You don't have to say anything, Omi-omi.
He continues walking at a slow and steady pace. Atsumu can't see it from here but it looks like Kiyoomi is fidgeting.
His heart is breaking. That much, he could tell.
"Atsumu, if we make it out aliveー" His voice almost cracks again. He composes himself.
"If we make it out alive, promise me you'll be more selfish. Stop thinking about others too much. Live your best life. Please."
Hadn't he been selfish enough? Always wanting Kiyoomi by his side, always wanting to make sure that he's happy because seeing him happy brings him joy. (He even took an arrow to his chest because he wanted Kiyoomi to live longer.)
"Being your friend was unexpectedly one of the best things to have ever happened to me."
The same could be said the other way around, you dummy.
"I have something to tell you too, you know. But I don't think this is the right place and the right time."
"But that's enough tears and sentiments. Atsumu, I hope you're still there. I'll get you out of here, I promise."
XI.
He spent the rest of their journey back in silence. He would occasionally stop for a while in case Atsumu couldn't keep up.
He shouldn't have broken down. He shouldn't have revealed the thoughts that haunt him. He's tired. His legs feel like lead. He feels like he'll collapse any minute now.
Has it been hours? Only minutes? He couldn't tell. He has lost perception of time. The walls leading back up all look the same to him now.
Then he sees it. Light at the end of the tunnel. Was Atsumu still following? He sure hopes he is.
If this was what Orpheus felt when he saw the end, then he understands now why he looked back. He needs to be sure that the love of his life is behind him. He needs to know that a chance at spending a lifetime together is within his reach again.
He's different though. He will not look back. He'll make time for Atsumu to make it to the Land of the Living. An unfortunate tragedy for Orpheus, but he's different.
Finally, he reaches outside just before the sun dips into the horizon. He collapses on his knees and forces himself to look anywhere but behind him.
He forces himself to look at the pretty shade of the sky just before the night engulfs it (it was pink with a dash of purple).
He forces himself to look at the lush greenery.
He sees butterflies that fluttered from flower to flower.
He extends a hand to his side.
"Atsumu. I can't look back. If you're there, then, please. Take my hand."
A moment passes.
He focuses on the ants on the ground.
They were carrying a dead insect three times their size.
He closes his eyes.
He could hear the sound of the ocean.
He feels the cool evening breeze.
And a brush of a finger on the tip of his.
"Omi, you're crying."