Work Text:
The place was quiet and you were amongst one of the few that were still at work. It was getting rather late and you were feeling sleepy so you decided to head home since you had stayed an extra hour at work already. Since you had not received any calls lately, you were hopeful that everything would be alright without you.
“Bye Belinda,” you said to your co-worker. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Bye (Name),” she smiled. “Get some rest. You worked long and hard today.”
“Thanks but I’m just here to try and help others,” you said with a small smile.
You had just finished packing up your bag and you were slipping on your coat when your phone rang. You looked at it curiously for a few seconds, wondering if you should transfer the call to someone else. It was getting rather late but you couldn’t ignore this. So you quickly sat down and picked up the phone.
“Hello? You’ve reached the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline,” you said.
You heard slow breathing on the other end but that was it. It was beginning to make you worry.
“Excuse me? Is someone there? Please answer,” you said with urgency.
After a second or two you heard a low swishing sound followed by somebody smacking their lips.
“Sorry,” the voice on the other end slurred. “I-I’m...just….just a little tipsy.”
The man on the other end chuckled half-heartedly. You were beginning to wonder if this person called you by mistake but after doing your job for so many years, you knew not to quickly assume this.
“Why did you get drunk?” you asked.
“Woooowww,” he laughed. “You must be reeaaal good if you *hiccup* know why I...why I got drunk on purpose.”
“It’s my job to make sure good people don’t do bad things to themselves,” you said softly.
You quickly took off your jacket. Something inside you told you that this was going to be a long call but you didn’t mind that at all. This person you were talking to needed your help and you weren’t simply going to abandon them.
“Good people. Ha,” he scoffed. “Don’t go around placing that title on me.”
“And why shouldn’t I?”
“Becaaauuuseee,” he whined, his voice then dropping to a low whisper to say, “I’m just a good for nothing. I can’t do anything right. I just…..I’ve fucked too much shit up.”
There was the sound of glass shattering followed by him cursing and muttering underneath his breath. He hissed into the phone, a sign that he had hurt himself by accident (hopefully).
“Sir are you alright?” you asked worriedly. “Did you drop the bottle?”
“Yeah but, whatever….this cut is no big deal to what’s coming.”
You felt your heart stop in your chest. Not only because of what he had said, but because you recognized that voice. But no matter how hard you tried to remember, you simply couldn’t.
“W-What are you going to do?”
“Wow you must suck at your job then,” he laughed. “This is a suicide hotline right? Well *hiccup* why else did ya think I called ya?”
“That was stupid of me to ask. But then let me ask you why you’re doing this?”
There was a pause. You chewed on your bottom lip with each nerve wracking passing second. You knew that voice which meant that you knew the person. He probably hadn’t figured out who you were in his drunken state but you had a feeling that once he did, he would hang up on you.
“Sir please….tell me….why are you going to kill yourself?” you pleaded.
“I can’t live with the guilt anymore!” he suddenly shouted. “I’ve done….so many….bad things. You have no idea how...how….fucking rotten I am!”
You flinched at hearing what sounded like him throwing something made out of glass at the wall.
“I’ve hurt people before!” he yelled angrily. “Oh and not just emotionally….I’ve done so many...fucked up things….I just can’t live with it….anymore….”
His voice cracked and broke off into a whisper.
And that’s when you knew. That’s when everything came crashing around you.
Belinda looked up and noticed the tears that were now strolling down your cheeks.
“(Name), what’s wrong? What’s going on?” she whispered.
You hands clumsily reached for a piece of paper and pen. Biting down hard on your lower lip to not let out a sob, you wrote:
It’s Bucky. He’s planning on killing himself. He sounds so broken that I’m scared that if I can’t help, he’ll actually do it.
Belinda’s eyes widened at what she had read and quickly wrote back a message telling you that you needed to go to his place to personally comfort him. Since you knew where he lived, it was possible to do this but who was to say that he’d hold out on his plans until you got there?
“Bu—I mean, sir,” you quickly corrected yourself. You wiped your tears away on the sleeves of your shirt. “We’ve all done bad things in the past; things that we wish we could take back. Life isn’t so simple like that but the fact that you know that the things you’ve done are bad, it shows that you’re on the road to recover from all of those things.”
“Why should I get a second chance to live, huh?” he asked bitterly. “I didn’t give those people a second chance….”
“But you were a different man back then, right…?”
There was another long pause that had you nervously drumming your fingernails on your desk.
“I don’t know if I’ve really changed,” he whispered so low you needed to press the phone to your ear to hear him better. “Maybe I’ve just been living a lie....”
“Don’t say that,” you whispered. “Please just…don’t stay that.”
You couldn’t stand just sitting there helplessly while Bucky contemplated on taking his own life. You wanted to be there by his side to help him, to better convince him.
“Why shouldn’t I?” he croaked. “Everyone would just be better off without me.”
“No that’s not true,” you stated firmly. “You have people who love you; people who wouldn’t want to see you go.”
You heard him take another swig from his bottle.
“How would you know that?” he slurred. “I’m just a stranger…”
“Oh? So you’re telling me there’s not one person who will be devastated when they hear that you’ve killed yourself?”
“.....Yeah but….She’ll…..S-She’ll just move on. She’ll forget all about me….just like the rest….”
Hearing this was like being stabbed repeatedly in the chest and then having someone pour lemon juice on your wounds. You knew that you needed to get to him now. You quickly thought of a lie that would get him to give you his cellphone number.
“S-Sir….I need to call you on my cellphone. T-The phone lines aren’t too good over here so can you please just wait one second?”
“No...no...no….” he groaned. “Just nevermind what I said! I shouldn’t keep on bothering people like this.”
“Sir just wait!” you cried out. “All it takes is just one second. One second and I’ll be back to talking with you.”
Everything in the room fell silent and your whole world seemed to be going in slow motion. You needed him to let you do this so that you could go to your car and drive to his place while talking to him. After what seemed like forever, he sighed on the other end.
“Okay….fine….”
He proceeded to give you his cellphone number and with that you were off. You slung your coat over your shoulder and dialed his number. Each ring made you believe that he wasn’t going to pick up or worse—that he had already committed suicide. But on the last ring he picked up and his voice on the other end made you breathe out a sigh of relief. You started up your car and began to speed off down the road; taking as many shortcuts as possible.
“Tell me what’s going on through your mind right now. Tell me everything,” you begged.
“You sound like you're driving...are you?”
“Please don’t change the subject. Just talk to me, please.”
“....I-I don’t know what to do…..I feel like doing it,” he confessed quietly. “It’d be so easy to do it too….”
“Don’t do it,” you pleaded. “Just think for a moment about all the things you could still do in life—”
“All I’d do is just keep causing pain to others!” he spat. He sucked in his breath. “I d-don’t deserve to keep on living.”
“Yes you do,” you stated. “You deserve to live just as much as anybody else.”
You were now just about ten minutes away from his house. Your heart was pounding in your chest from fear and all you did was pray that you’d make it in time. On the other end you heard him stand up and walk over to another room and open something, perhaps the cabinet.
“Do I really?” he asked softly.
“Yes,” you softly sobbed. “Yes, you do.”
“Heh,” he lightly chuckled. “You know as much as I’d like to believe that, I don’t think I can.”
Your froze in your seat when you heard water running.
“Oh no…” you whispered, your grip on the steering wheel tightening.
Next you heard a swishing sound, indicating that he had most likely stepped into his bathtub. You were now just a few blocks away. If you could just make him hold on for another minute…
“Are you still there?”
“....Mhhmmm,” he hummed. “But not for long…”
His voice was growing softer and you heard the phone fall to the tiled ground. When you finally reached his house, you slammed your foot on the brake and hurriedly ran to the door. Thankfully Bucky had shown you where he kept the spare key. After getting inside, you rushed your way upstairs to the bathroom.
“You know (Name)....I think I’ll miss you the most…” he spoke up.
“Y-You knew it was me?’ you sniffled, trying to wipe away all your tears. “For how long?”
“When you corrected yourself earlier,” he chuckled half-heartedly. “I’m drunk...not...stu..pid….”
You threw the door to the bathroom open and your dropped your cellphone from the shock that hit you. The bathtub was overflowing and Bucky lied in it with his head tilted back and with blood dripping down his wrists and into the bathtub.
“Bucky, no!” you cried.
You rushed to turn the water off and using all of your strength, you pulled him out of the tub. You slapped his cheeks a few times to get him to wake up but that wasn’t working. After throwing the phone to the sink so that you both wouldn’t get electrocuted, you reached for your cellphone to quickly dial the police.
“Bucky please….” you sobbed into his chest. “Please stay with me….I can’t lose you….Not like this….”
♦♦♦♦♦♦
Everything had happened in a blur. One minute you had your arms wrapped tight around Bucky and you were trying to stop the bleeding while the police arrived, and the next you were in the hospital pacing back and forth while they tried to help your friend. Steve had arrived as soon as you called him to tell him what happened to Bucky. He sat in one of the chairs outside of Bucky’s room, head in his hands. He was tapping his foot nervously and was glancing up every now and then when a doctor passed by, thinking that that doctor would be the one that’d deliver any good or bad news.
He got up and pulled you into a tight, comforting hug.
“(Name)...try to relax. I’m sure they can help him….They’ve got to,” he whispered.
“Steve….I can’t just relax. I know you know what it’s like but…” You gently pushed him away. “You saw him fall the first time he almost died. I held him in my arms while it was happening….” you whispered grief-stricken. “I felt his life just slipping through my fingers….I just can’t stand by and wait.”
He sighed. “I know. But that’s all we can do now.”
You took a step forward and wrapped your arms around him and Steve wrapped his around you. Who knows how long you were both like that? It could have been minutes, seconds, or perhaps even half an hour. But suddenly, someone tapped on your shoulder. It was the doctor.
“Excuse me. Mr. Rogers and Ms. (l/n)....he’s stable now and you can see him but he hasn’t been very responsive lately. He….He’s barely said anything but then again, I don’t expect him to,” the doctor shook his head.
He walked away and you and Steve turned to one another.
“You go first,” he said.
“N-No that’s alright—”
“(Name), go. You both need to see each other now.”
With a nod, you walked to his hospital room door and gently pushed it opened. The room was barely lit and the only light came from the lamp by Bucky’s bed side. When your eyes landed on him, you felt your breath hitch in your throat. He as pale as a ghost and even his pink lips had lost its color. Both wrists were bandaged up and he had blood along with other things being pumped into his system. He was staring at the ceiling and had a blank expression on his face.
“Bucky…?”
No response.
You made your way to his bedside and sat down next to him. Slowly, your hand reached for his and gripped it gently. He didn’t hold your hand back.
“I...I….”
You weren’t sure what to say at all.
“(N….Name)....?”
Bucky’s eyes slowly landed onto you and you could see the tears that were threatening to spill.
“Yeah it’s me, Bucky. I’m right here,” you smiled weakly. “And I’ll never leave your side.”
He ran a shaky hand through his hair. “A part of me wants to thank you but another part…..”
“W-Why’d you do it? I mean I heard what you said but….why keep it bottled up for so long…?”
“Because I was so sure that it would end….well not like this since you stopped me.”
“But I could have helped,” you whimpered. “You know I could have.”
“That’s why I didn’t say anything,” he whispered. “I wanted to keep on drowning, (Name). I just wanted to give up.”
“I won’t let you do that,” you shook your head. “I’m gonna help you and so is Steve. Seeing you just dying in my arms like that Bucky…..It terrified me. And I can’t just forget about this after what just happened. I don’t care if I have to take you to a thousand therapists or if I have to wake up at 3 AM to hear what’s bothering you and stay on the phone till you get it off your chest. I won’t give up on you like you did on yourself.”
He remained speechless for a while. He then went back to starting at the colorless ceiling. But then slowly his hand closed around yours and his eyes locked with yours again.
“I can’t promise that this won’t happen again,” he admitted. “Not right now, not in this state…”
“Of course. I’d never ask you to do such a thing. I know you’ll have your ups and downs. But I’ll be there when you laugh your loudest and stay when you cry your hardest. I just want you to know that.”
You leaned forward to gently wrap your arms around him. Bucky’s face was in the crook of your neck and there you felt his tears land. He wrapped one arm around your waist while placing his hand on your back and gripping your shirt tightly while he sobbed.
“Thank you, (Name),” he whispered. “Thank you….”