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The maknae line was the name their little band of members had:
Haknyeon has been through so much yet is still so kind. He could rap, sing, dance, do acrobatics, breaking. Even when he couldn’t, he pushed forward. He was grounded yet ambitious. He was on tv before too. The group wouldn’t have gained interest without him.
Hwall was the fan favorite. His looks were unique, and he pulled it off well. He was tall and had the duality of a cat: cool, charming, and cute. He was charismatic, expressive, enchanting, a fanservice king, truly a dancer. All the older members doted on him and he was the baby of The Boyz. Now apart from them, he was working on his solo career, gaining his own fanbase even before debuting his first album.
Sunwoo was the only rapper listed officially. His skill and popularity proved it. He could sing and dance and act. He was on tv before. He was a fan favorite as well. His charisma flaring whenever. That and he was the most diligent in fancafe letters, he had a close relationship with his fans.
Where, then, did that leave Eric?
He was the maknae, the youngest.
But that was it.
He tried so hard to be positive all the time but really he had this anxiety of people finding out the real him. He was probably the least liked member. His skin wasn’t particularly glowing, he was short, nothing special about his face, subpar voice. He struggled to be in sync for dancing and he barely got any lines to have motivation to improve his singing or rapping. Eric used to have ambitions, used to have dreams, but… he had thrown those kinds of things away since long ago. He still had so far to go and it was clear his popularity and likability didn’t bloom as vibrantly as other members in the past years.
And it’s all because you’re you.
Eric could count the amount of active fansites dedicated to him on his two hands. He memorized their faces and tried so hard to be polite even if they weren’t always great. He felt he couldn’t afford to lose one of his already few active and dedicated fans that both loved him and helped promote different sides of him. Afterall they still took the time and money and effort to see Eric, to interact with him, sometimes anything. Maybe that was one type of love.
His personality felt half-assed and not very charming or smart, no one ever went out of their way to talk to him and often he was the butt of jokes. He had a lisp and scars his stylists had to take extra time and product to cover, he felt bad.
He was half and half. He wasn’t like Jacob and Kevin who were born abroad. He was born a Korean raised in the US, but he was still a foreigner to his native country’s fans. It might have been the only interesting thing about him. International fans wanted him to speak English even when he said he was much more comfortable with his mother tongue, Korean. He talked a lot but not well. He didn’t seem trustworthy, he wasn’t particularly deeply close to any members. When he cried all the members seemed to be saying, “He’s just doing it for the camera,” and “ahh stop crying so annoying.”
Eric felt like he had nothing to contribute to the team. Nothing stood out. Not his body. Not his voice. Not his personality. Not his countenance. Nothing. All he had was the title of youngest, and even then, he failed to play the part and live up to expectations. All he had was immense amount of unskilled energy. He wasn’t even seen as the youngest a lot of the times. The maknae should be special.
But he wasn’t.
Ever since pre-debut, these thoughts were already rooted only to circulate and invade his thoughts regularly. He grew tired and he wasn’t even sure if he had a personality at this point. He was selfish.
It was another day for individual practices and he had been lucky to get the practice room to himself. Usually he liked being with another member so his only company wasn’t just his thoughts. But tonight he had felt the need to be solitary.
For a while now he had been trying to make a choreography, but it ran fruitless to this day. He could never move his body or express the emotions he truly wanted to convey.
It’d be better if you left.
Why did you leave your mom.
You’re a waste of space.
You could’ve had a life and a good job.
You’re nothing, you did this to yourself.
Why don’t you jus—
Eric’s mind was racing faster than he could keep up. He was leaning against the wall staring at the him across in the mirror. He slid down the wall overwhelmed by his own thoughts. All he could do to barely escape his thoughts was focus on miniscule details around him.
This room is the same with or without you; empty
“Please please please” Eric was whispering to himself trying to beg his own mind to shut up.
He kept on seeing his reflection and a pit in his stomach ran foul. He moved to the corner, trying to stay as small and hidden from the mirror as he could in the empty rectangle practice room.
Eric knew it was inevitable his walls were going to break overfilled with rot and rust. He knew he was a crybaby. That today was no different. Tears shed became a normalcy Eric wished he could retract. Even if he was weak inside, he wanted to look strong.
One way he made himself feel okay with crying was that it felt like the tears shed were a release. He always felt he had too many thoughts. Too many to thoroughly delve into. That or too scared. A good flushing was needed every once in a while.
Once the hatch was open and a tear slid down his cheek, other tears didn’t hesitate following the trail. Eric was curled up in the corner of the room that suddenly felt so big. He lowered his forehead to rest it on his knees and wrapped his arms around basically covering his face from any light overhead. He didn’t wipe the tears, he just let them fall. It was like a small pitter patter of rain outside leaving marks on his pants.
Eric was absorbed in himself. He had to be to keep himself together by end of threads.
He heard a voice and the door opened suddenly. It caused Eric to squeeze his head and legs together as close as he could. There was no time to wipe his face and pretend everything was okay, but he still didn’t want to show himself like this.
“Eric?”
It was a deep scratchy voice he was familiar with, Sunwoo.
“…I was wondering if you wanna walk home together, I think we’re the only ones still left in the building…”
Eric had to clear his throat without making a noise, “y-e-ah I was planning on taking a little nap” it was more shaky than he wanted and his voice felt like it broke in a few places.
Crouched and silencing his whole body, Eric could only stay so long without breathing through his nose since his mouth wasn’t an option. His nose was full of snot.
He sniffed.
And it was clear something was up.
Eric couldn’t hear anything above his heart’s thudding. Steps came closer towards Eric and he could Sunwoo’s clothes rustle as he crouched squatting to Eric’s level.
Comfort was what Eric had felt. It came in the form of a warm slightly calloused hand petting his head ever so gently.
It was silent for a while. Sunwoo just continued petting Eric until the hiccups and sobbing at least calmed a little. Knowing Sunwoo wasn’t going to do anything sudden soothed Eric’s panicked worries.
Once Eric felt himself able to gain control, his voice slightly less squeaky, he raised his head slightly to see Sunwoo’s kind, patient gaze.
It made Eric hesitate.
He always feared the people he thought of as friends, as family, were only treating him with obligatory kindness. Kindness that came because they were good people, not because he deserved it.
Sunwoo’s felt intense, his mouth straight and closed tightly. He reached for Eric’s hand to gently lead them so he was holding just Eric’s fingertips, “Ericcie…”
Eric inhaled at that, unable to make himself keep eye contact.
“…” There was a pause as Sunwoo took the time to think much like planning your next move in a room of broken glass, “…You don’t have to talk about it. You don’t have to tell me. But I’m always here for you, you’re one of my soulmates and I don’t plan on letting you suffer alone… You don’t have to tell me… but I want you to... I’m always here.”
The words came out in rhythmic intervals, as Sunwoo took his time to say the words that were true to his heart.
Maybe his brain hadn’t processed it. Maybe he just couldn’t take anymore. Eric didn’t feel like he got effected by Sunwoo’s words yet his body reacted viscerally. He could feel his throat beating, tears being thrown out yet again.
Eric had jumped to Sunwoo to hug him closing the gap the other made sure to maintain.
It was clumsy and Eric hit his knees on the ground roughly before falling into Sunwoo’s arms. Sunwoo supported him and thankfully didn’t fall over.
The soothing hand was smoothing over the wrinkles on the back of Eric’s shirt. Eric’s arms were wrapped almost painfully around Sunwoo, his fingertips kept on gripping and releasing as if Sunwoo was going to slip past his fingers if he didn’t get a good hold.
His fingers kept on struggling with the back of Sunwoo’s shirt as the trembles and sobs he held back came again in full.
“th-“ hiccup, “ou”
Sunwoo’s other hand slid up to pet Eric’s hair.
It gave Eric something to focus on besides himself, he was grateful. The wracking in his body was too much. Eric wanted it to stop. He shut his eyes tight and tried to regulate his breathing to the rhythm Sunwoo was patting his back and head.
It felt like hours before his shoulders could relax even a little. Yet Sunwoo stayed there with him patiently just holding him the whole time. Eric felt tiny, he did, but in this moment he felt warm. His mind hesitated to let him feel loved. The dragging feeling in his chest began to lift up. Almost as if a ton of feathers had turned in a single one.
…
Eric had finally been able to somewhat hold himself together as he hugged his friend.
Sunwoo’s stroking hands patted lightly, “Let’s go home” He said it as softly as he could, not daring to move rather waiting for Eric to first. There was a long pause as Eric was calmer but still breathing heavily. Sunwoo could feel Eric nod, his chin bumping his back and shoulder.
With no pushing force in his hands, Sunwoo unwrapped his hands sliding them to Eric’s arms and hands so he could help him get up off the floor.
Eric’s body was slack and weak, but Sunwoo didn’t complain as he practically had to lift him up to his feet. The rapper’s sleeves dabbed gently at Eric’s watery eyes and face. He gathered up Eric’s belongings and helped him get his coat on.
Sunwoo made sure to walk beside Eric rather than behind or in front. He was worried and asked Eric if he needed someone to lean on for their walk, but Eric insisted he was good. Only a tiny forced smile was given.
Once they got outside, Sunwoo slowly reached to grab Eric’s hands as they started walking int eh direction of their dorm. Neither of them moved their head or eyes from looking just in front of them.
After walking in silence for a little, “…You’re not alone, okay? You’re not alone.”
Silence thickly padded between Eric’s response. Unsure if his mouth and brain could connect. If he could feel anymore with how crying earlier drained him.
The silence had no pressure, but Eric’s heart was beating. He never told anyone his worries, his fears. Not Juyeon, not Sangyeon, not his sister, not even his mom he called multiple times every week.
To Sunwoo it was silence.
To Eric, his mind had its own two feet hopping between you can tell him and don’t burden him.
It was a dive, “…I just… Feel so useless… I don’t…” Eric’s mouth struggled to say what he wanted to say, he tried to get out as much as he could, his thoughts, his feelings, his mind vomited on a canvas to Sunwoo. His mind caught up to his bravery, cutting him short.
There was silence. Silence that had Eric almost immediately regretting why he opened his mouth at all, he stayed quiet, he didn’t want to mess things up more.
“You know when Hyunjae Hyung talked about The Boyz as a rainbow?” Sunwoo glanced over to see Eric nod, “Each of us has our own color. Together we make something as beautiful and seemingly impossible like a rainbow. But even alone we are able to still shine in our own color.”
Another pause.
“Just like there’s no required colors in a crayon box, each crayon contributes equally to filling up the box, but each one has its own color. Even if we’re a big group, even if there’s 11 of us, we’re still 11 individuals. People are mistaken when they look over us just because of the amount. And aren’t bigger crayon boxes better anyways!”
There was a bout of silence, only the sound of their footsteps in the dark streets echoed.
“…But some…” Eric tongue was struggling, “some crayons are favorites, some are used more, some… they’re prettier…”
It was Sunwoo’s turn to think.
“…When drawing a carrot, you’ll probably use green and orange, right? With a banana, yellow. An orange, orange…” Sunwoo was using the hand not holding Eric’s to gesture and wave with every sentence, “But what happens when you need to draw chocolate or… a street road?”
Sunwoo took the time to pause again to gather his thoughts on where he was going.
“Even if you don’t use or need a specific crayon right at that moment, there’ll always be a color no other crayon can give, just because a crayon doesn’t shine now… its specialties may have not gotten a chance to shine yet, but it will. Each crayon has something special they add.”
Silence filled up the rest of the way home. Neither spoke once. Sunwoo as hoping his thoughts were received as he meant to convey them. The cogs in Eric’s brain were more like the gentle slide of boxes in a bedroom. Like cleaning and moving, grouping similar items together to help in daily life. His thoughts were like that.
Once they reached the front of their building, they went inside, up the elevator and got to the front door. It was beyond the usual late night for most of them, around 4 or 5am, the days had grown longer, the sun not rising yet.
Unlocking the door, the two entered and started to take their shoes off.
Most of the lights were off except the one at the entrance after the area for shoes.
“hey Sunwoo…”
“yeah?”
Eric’s response was a tight hug, his arms over Sunwoo’s shoulders. Sunwoo’s arms didn’t hesitate to reciprocate and wrap around lovingly.
“Thank you” Eric whispered and accompanied it with nuzzling and rubbing his head as he squeezed warmth tighter.
“…I’m always going to be here for you, Ericcie” he rested his chin on Eric’s shoulder, “We’ll always be here for you, together… just- please talk to us… and I can speak for everyone… We love you, our family wouldn’t have made it this far without you, we wouldn’t be who we are…”
Sunwoo’s warm words struggled to get out trying not to be too loud. Eric had to laugh a little, Sunwoo was experiencing the same thing as him it seemed, it made him a little happy.
“Sunu… thank you” Eric gave one more squeeze before loosening so the two could get ready for bed.
Eric gave a weak smile, but a smile nonetheless to Sunwoo. Sunwoo mirrored the expression and patted Eric on the head.
“I’ll see you tomorrow Ericcie, you better sleep instead of playing”
“yeah” usually Eric would respond mockingly but even after the fact, today wasn’t the day, he was drained beyond belief, “chanhee hyung asleep so I’ll probably sleep in the living room tonight” He couldn’t keep the yawn in anymore.
Sunwoo made a face. He didn’t want Eric to sleep alone tonight, he wanted someone to at least be in the room with him.
“I’ll sleep in the living room too then, nights with hyungs can be…” Eric knew well that most of them sleep talked or snored, he laughed silently showing his teeth. He didn’t question Sunwoo joining, he was grateful he wouldn’t be alone in the dark.
There were mattresses in the living room from the members having binged watched all night or having a sleepover in the living room. Sunwoo and Eric worked together to drag two twin sized ones together and getting the blankets and pillows.
Eric flopped his back onto one of the mattresses and started making invisible snow angels out of the blankets and sheets.
“Ericcie”
“mm, mm” His eyes were already closed, his lids feeling heavy
“you need to brush your teeth and shower”
“Mm… tomorrow” Eric’s voice was at the volume of a mumble
Clearly exhausted Eric’s breathing had become soft and his muscles visibly relaxed from the day.
All Sunwoo did was smile warmly at the sight. He clumsily yet carefully rearranged Eric’s body so he had space on the mattresses and covered him with a blanket. He tucked the edges of the blanket under Eric’s body so he was slightly burrito-ed.
His eyes looked towards the bathroom, “ah whatever” Sunwoo decided to flop down more gently next to Eric wrapping himself up in another blanket.
He turned towards Eric’s sleeping face, “Ericcie… really without you… I don’t think I could have made it… your words of encouragement, your considerate actions, your kindness and ability to brighten a room and socialize… everything you’ve done… it isn’t just cleaning we’re, I’m thankful for… I’m happy to have met you…” Sunwoo rolled back on his back and closed his eyes.
Sleep came easy to the two youngest that night.
In the morning, Jacob was the first to wake up, usually waking up 6 or 7 am. When he woke up to go the bathroom he had to pass the living room. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes as usual but stopped in his tracks when he happened to open his eyes.
Jacob could only smile at the sight. He went back into his room and climbed the ladder to shake Sangyeon awake, he couldn’t be the only one to see how precious they were.
“mmmmm Jacob? What time is it?”
“It doesn’t matter, come on you gotta see this”
Sangyeon groggily got up, climbing down the ladder after Jacob with his eyes squinted in the dark room. Following Jacob out the door, he saw what Jacob saw. He woke up at the sight and smiled laughing quietly in his throat, “ah, the kids are so cute”
Sunwoo and Eric were in the living room sleeping. It looked like the two fell asleep fighting over blankets as Eric’s legs were over Sunwoo’s body and Sunwoo’s arm was laid onto Eric. Both of them had their mouths open with dry drool, the only difference being that Eric was laying on his tummy while Sunwoo was partially on his back or side. There was peace.