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Saul is everything she isn't. Jimmy watches as he fills the room with words until his enemies are trapped in the corner. She says just enough to trip them up as they try to run rings around her, underestimating her. He sees the law and wonders how much he can twist it without breaking it. She squeezes herself between the lines until they mould around her.
At least she used to.
Saul has always been a mask to him. There is an untold joy in being a man that isn't wilted from growing in another man's shadow. A man who doesn't have guilt and a conscience weighing him down and holding him back. A man who drowns himself in colour to keep the darkness out of his lungs.
Inside he is still Jimmy, whoever that is anymore. Jimmy comes home to her and washes off the sins of the day. He is chipped and cracked but he doesn't have to hide that from her. She cares about Jimmy so why would he try to be anyone else around her?
She is the home he clings to and Saul is the escape he can never fully articulate why he needs.
But with every kiss, Saul's soul creeps into her, like a miasma. Corrupting. Festering.
She doesn't seem to mind.
It's everything he's ever feared but the stupid lizard brain of his that craves safety still wants her. The beast inside of him that craves danger wants her too.
Jimmy has never been good at ignoring his wants.
Her fingertips burn like matches and her eyes sparkle like glaciers and did he ever know her? Did anyone? Does she even know herself?
Of course she does. He was just too blinded by the parts of her he had access to to see the parts of her she hid. The parts that stewed away inside of her, that had her clawing her way to the top only to make her resent the view. The parts of her that saw a low life conman as an equal. If she could disguise herself well enough to infiltrate the system to tear it down from the inside then so could he if she believed in him. It just took him a while longer to work out his strategy.
She is supposed to be his North Star but she is about to go supernova and he is way too close to get out of the danger zone. He's so volatile himself that he's only exacerbating things by being near her and yet he can’t find the strength to walk away, to keep them and everyone around them safe.
Instead he holds her closer, hoping to keep her in one piece. Failing that, he would be the one to absorb the explosion. A noble sacrifice to atone for a dishonorable life.
Jimmy would never survive the blast. Saul is like the cucaracha.
It wouldn't matter so much, he thinks. After all, she is the most real thing he's ever had in his life. She is everything that Saul isn't.