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Yoongi is tired.
So tired.
Fatigue consumes him despite not doing much lately. The white ceiling of the bedroom is a common picture in his vision, the baby blue sheets that wrap around him are his constant companion, and the cream-colored walls that enclose the room are what set the boundaries of his safe space, but at the same time, this enclosure is suffocating him.
Yoongi is also lonely.
So lonely.
The silence of being awake during the dead of the night till early morning gives him peace and solace, as well as the cold and sometimes overwhelming loneliness. His phone is filled with unread text messages that he doesn't have the energy to respond to, his chest aches with some kind of emptiness and longing, and the presence of the man sleeping beside him, with a peaceful and beautiful expression on his face, dulls the ache only just a little.
He feels guilty, for feeling like this, for being like this. He thought that getting into a healthy relationship would fix his problems, would make him "normal" and happy. And he was, for the first month or two, but then it all came back.
The exhaustion, the lack of motivation, the numbness. He has a loving family, supportive friends, and currently a wonderful boyfriend, and yet, sometimes he just feels so alone, so tired, so unmotivated.
He eventually found out that he's not abnormal, all kinds of people experience similar things as him, some more or less severe. His boyfriend was completely understanding and saw him not any differently as before, only more lovingly as the days go by.
And that's what makes him feel guilty the most.
He can't help but see himself as a burden, behaving like this when there's no apparent reason to, and having to rely on his boyfriend to take care of him especially on really bad days. At times, he thinks he doesn't deserve him.
They've been together for almost a year, their anniversary being next month. One year for a relationship doesn't seem long for most people, but for Yoongi, he's surprised that they're still together. He loves Seokjin, so much. He could sometimes argue that he loves him a little too much. And in the back of his mind, he knows Seokjin loves him back at least just as much. Before they got together and until they started dating then up to now, Seokjin's love never faded, it got stronger even. Seokjin never stopped caring and never got tired of him. On certain days, he doesn't understand how that's possible. How do you still care so much?
But to be honest, he’s still scared. He’s terrified. That Seokjin will eventually lose interest in him, that Seokjin will consider him as too much of a burden. Rationally, it's far from happening. Seokjin has been constant in his life and constant in his efforts to make him feel loved, safe, comfortable, and happy. Even so, that doesn't stop the worries from tormenting him.
Not only is he afraid of losing Seokjin, he is also afraid of losing his own feelings, the ones that make his heart race and fill him with so much euphoria whenever Seokjin is in his mind, in front of eyes, or right by his side. He doesn't want to lose them and most especially so if Seokjin still harbors some feelings for Yoongi, because he doesn't ever want to hurt him. His love for Seokjin gets bigger and deeper with the passing of time, but there are days when he feels nothing, when he feels empty. No happiness, no sadness, and definitely no love. He's terrified that the day may come when those days never end and he'll be in a ceaseless state of numbness.
He snaps out of his thoughts when two pairs of arms slide around his waist, pulling him closer to warmth.
"Yoongi-yah..." Seokjin murmurs sleepily as he buries his face in Yoongi's neck, and shortly after, his long legs wrap around him. Seokjin attaches himself to Yoongi like a koala on a eucalyptus tree.
"Hyung..." Yoongi whispers, his heart twinging. Suddenly being enveloped in the warmth of Seokjin, his safest place, gives him so much comfort, especially when so many negative thoughts are still plaguing his mind. It's so comforting to the point that he could cry, and that he does. He silently cries as to not awaken Seokjin, but he wasn't as silent or as unnoticeable as he thought.
"Yoongi?" Seokjin's sweet voice calls out to him. He loves his voice so much, and on some days hearing it is enough to heal him. Unfortunately, today isn’t one of those days.
He looks at Seokjin, the most beautiful man to Yoongi, with his soft and disheveled black hair, pink and plump lips, and sleepy yet sparkling eyes. This beautiful man is currently holding a worried and slightly frowning expression which gazes at Yoongi's tear-stained face.
I'm sorry, Yoongi apologizes in his mind, his voice not being able to come out, but his pain and guilt-coated glassy eyes speak in its stead. He really never likes worrying him, he never likes burdening him. He truly would stop feeling like this if he could.
“Oh, baby.” Seokjin says softly as he sits up and wipes the tears on both of Yoongi's cheeks with his thumbs. "Didn't sleep last night?" He asks to which Yoongi answers by shaking his head.
"I'm sorry." Yoongi looks down as tears don't stop falling from his eyes. He's immediately enveloped in a hug by Seokjin who lovingly rubs his back.
"It's okay. Seokjinie is here." He plants some kisses on Yoongi's neck and firmly intertwines their fingers. Seokjin's calming vanilla scent fills Yoongi's nostrils and his comforting hold warms his hand, causing him to relax a little.
Really, what did I do to have someone like you?
To have someone like Seokjin, someone so supportive, someone so comforting, someone so full of love. Every single one of his touches emanates the feeling of love and safety. Seokjin's body around his, Seokjin's hand in his, Seokjin's other hand on his back, Seokjin's lips on his neck. He's overwhelmed, somewhat in a good way, at all this contact, from his most special person who's always accepted and loved him no matter what.
The love feels good. So good that it hurts.
He clenches on the back of Seokjin's shirt as sobs suddenly come out of him. He's not sure exactly what he's crying about, he doesn't know for certain what's causing the tears to release. All he knows is that it hurts, his chest hurts, it's constantly being squeezed. It's like his heart is the base of a dropper, his tear ducts which are the openings get filled, and with all this pressure, it overflows, releasing its contents.
But unlike a regular dropper, it only keeps coming out. It's like he doesn't seem to be running out of tears.
"It's okay. Hyung is here." His gentle voice whispers in Yoongi's ear, doing its best to soothe him, along with the kind and comforting rubs all over his body. "Let it out, Yoongi. It's okay. You're okay here."
Yoongi squeezes Seokjin's hand like he's holding on for dear life. "Ahm... Sareh..." He apologizes through his sobs, slightly incoherently, but he gets the message across. Seokjin pulls away slightly and looks Yoongi in the eyes.
"You have nothing to be sorry about, Yoongi." He gives him a peck on the lips. "I love you so much. I want to help you and be there for you."
Yoongi's lips wobble as he stares at Seokjin, who has such a genuine and reassuring gaze.
"And that'll never change." He shoots Yoongi a grin before he's back to enveloping him in a hug.
Yoongi ends up crying more. It was as if Seokjin could read his mind as he hit the nail on the head, and he hit his heart. They've talked about this before so it makes sense, but hearing it never fails to overcome Yoongi with so much emotion.
They stay like that for a long time, Seokjin telling him soothing words while stroking his hair and Yoongi leaning on his shoulder while crying with gradually decreasing intensity, all the while they bask in each other's warmth.
Yoongi's sobs eventually die down and the room becomes quiet aside from the sound of their breathing.
“My kitty, Yoongi-yah, wanna watch some cat videos?” Seokjin asks, to which Yoongi slowly nods. He immediately fetches his phone from the bedside table and opens a folder named 'for my lil meow meow', thumbnails of cats then filling the screen.
He adjusts their position to him spooning Yoongi, his left hand holding Yoongi's own left, and his right hand holding the phone in front of them for both of them to see. He presses a random video to watch and lets it run on autoplay. The whole time they cuddle in the nest of their blanket, soft touches brush here and there, tender kisses are sometimes exchanged, and both of their warm hands never let go. The kitties on the screen make Yoongi smile a little while the kitty enveloped in a hug makes Seokjin smile a lot.
After probably the tenth cat video they've watched and Yoongi is already visibly relaxed, Seokjin asks him, “Wanna help me make breakfast? We’re having galbi.”
Yoongi fidgets with his fingers as he takes a moment to think. "Um..."
"It's okay if you can't." Seokjin assures him.
Yoongi frowns and looks down guiltily still. “I'm sorry…”
“It’s okay. I’ll be back as soon as I can, alright?” Seokjin gently brushes his hand through Yoongi’s locks.
Seokjin pulls away and exits the blanket, causing Yoongi to let out a small whine at the loss of warmth. “Just watch some adorable kitties and don’t worry about a single thing.” He smiles and gives him a kiss on his forehead. Yoongi reluctantly nods then Seokjin heads out of the door.
Yoongi lets out a sigh after he hears the door click closed.
He feels a little better now thanks to Seokjin but he's incredibly exhausted. His eyes hurt so much, from all the crying, as well from the recent lack of sleep.
Aside from the sobbing, he constantly has a battle with his eyes when it comes to sleep.
He wants to stop them from closing, stop himself from going back to sleep, because that's all he spent his time on, just floating in dreamland, feeling so unproductive and useless.
Other days, he fights the battle of falling into sleep, where even though his eyes have been closed the entire time, his body never gets to actually rest.
For both struggles, he often emerges defeated, such as with last night, he lost against the unexplainable need of his body to stay awake despite it actually needing otherwise.
He takes a second to look back at Seokjin's phone in his hand, the cat video already ended and the replay symbol is on the screen. He puts the phone down and closes his eyes, a single tear falling.
Inevitably, his body gives in to the fatigue. I'm tired. He is, extremely so. That's his last thought before his body finally slips into slumber.
Seokjin meanwhile is out and about in the kitchen, spending around an hour or so carefully preparing their first meal of the day.
He turns off the stove then transfers the galbi to a plate. He opens the rice cooker and puts a serving of rice into two bowls then places it on the table along with the plate of meat, smaller bowls of vegetables, glasses of water, and sets of utensils. Before walking out of the kitchen, he takes out a glass of coffee and adds a bit of ice before laying it down in front of Yoongi's usual seat.
He unties his apron and walks back to the bedroom, opening the door quietly out of habit. "Yoongi-yah?" He receives no response so he approaches the bed, his ears picking up the sound of light snores, causing a fond smile to appear on Seokjin's face.
Ah… I really don’t wanna wake him up. Seokjin lightly plays with his hair as Yoongi stirs a bit in his sleep with his mouth slightly open.
He stays there right beside him, tenderly caressing Yoongi's head, and no longer paying attention to the time. The food will go cold but it doesn't matter to him as much as letting Yoongi get rest. He hasn't been getting much sleep lately again, Seokjin has noticed. Always restless and tossing and turning at night, sometimes waking up Seokjin at the hours of complete silence and darkness.
Seokjin leans his head onto the wall and closes his eyes, his fingers not stopping its brushes through Yoongi's locks. He almost falls asleep himself, Yoongi's light snores acting as a lullaby.
"Hyung?" He hears a whisper so he opens his eyes. A peaceful expression is still on Yoongi's face, and so he thinks he might've been hearing things.
"Seokjin-hyung?" But then his name is called again, with a rough voice yet gentle tone, then is followed by the slow opening of eyes, revealing the glossy orbs that stare at Seokjin.
“Yoongi-yah, good morning.” The sunlight shining from the window adds a glow to Yoongi's pale face.
Yoongi glances at the clock on the wall then furrows his eyebrows, his mouth then turning into a frown. "I'm sorry, I fell asleep." He mutters, shyly, like a little kid who's been scolded.
"It's okay." Seokjin smiles at him. "Let's go eat?"
Yoongi hesitates, unsure whether he's in the mood to eat. They both stay silent, Seokjin patiently waiting for Yoongi's response, and his hand finding its way to Yoongi's as he lets him take his time.
"Okay." Yoongi says after a while and slowly sits up, his hand giving Seokjin's a squeeze.
Yoongi stares at Seokjin with tired but fond eyes. He really loves him so much and is so thankful to have him. He feels so lucky. The corners of his lips turn slightly up before leaning forward and connecting their mouths together, his lips meeting Seokjin's plump ones in a sweet and chaste kiss, a hand making its way to his cheek.
They part from the kiss and the grip on their hands get tighter, as if afraid of letting go.
"Seokjin-hyung, I love you so much." Yoongi's voice cracks a little bit at the last syllable, a hint of sadness in his eyes but a smile on his face.
Seokjin kisses both of his cheeks, just under his eyes where tears frequently pass through. “I love you too, Yoongi. So much.”
Yoongi feels only a little bit better.
But that alone is enough.