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“'Di ba nga ito ang 'yong gusto?
Oh, ito'y lilisan na ako”
It was what Oikawa wanted. Whatever he asked for, Iwaizumi would gladly give him. He never thought it would be this hard to accept Oikawa’s final request, though. But Oikawa asked for space, and so Iwaizumi simply obliged. After all, what else could he give to the man he’s loved for most of his life?
“Mga alaala'y ibabaon
Kalakip ang tamis ng kahapon”
It’s hard. He can’t seem to get over him. It’s been a little over a year since they last saw each other, which meant it’s been a little over a year since they broke up. And yet, here Iwaizumi is, burying his face beneath his pillows, trying his best to muffle the sounds of his broken, wretched sobs.
“Mga gabing 'di namamalayang oras ay lumilipad
Mga sandaling lumalayag kung sa'n man tayo mapadpad”
Being with Oikawa had always been easy. Almost all his life, he was there. He was the only constant person who remained in Iwaizumi’s life, and they were always by each other’s sides. Oikawa had always been like a breath of fresh air to Iwaizumi. Whenever they were away from each other, he felt like he was underwater, holding his breath, counting the minutes and hours ‘till he can rise again. Then he’ll see Oikawa, and his breath will catch on his throat. They’ll touch, and he would finally manage to exhale. Being with Oikawa meant that he could finally breathe a little easier and that he could finally live a little easier. Now that he’s gone though, Iwaizumi feels like he’s being asphyxiated slowly day by day.
“Bawat kilig na nadarama sa tuwing hawak ang iyong kamay
Ito'y maling akala, isang malaking sablay”
He would give anything in the world to relive the way his heart feels like falling when Oikawa’s hand intertwines with his. He would trade all he has just to hear Oikawa’s constant whining, to hear his lilting voice begging for his Iwa-chan, and to feel his best friends hands in his. Oh what he would give to touch the hands that held him during the rare moments he he broke down, the same hands that always felt comforting, that always have felt like home.
But he can’t help but wonder if he’s the only one who wishes he could go back. He cant help but wonder— does Oikawa think of him too? Does he think of iwaizumi when he goes around kissing other people? Does he think of him from the hour he wakes up ‘till the moment he goes home to rest his head? Or, iwaizumi thinks with an aching heart, does he not care at all?
Maybe he was the only one who had difficulty moving on. It had, after all, been a year since his best friend crushed his heart. Perhaps Oikawa regretted everything that transpired between them. Perhaps he didn’t care. Maybe to him, being with Iwaizumi was just one big mistake he regretted in his life. Iwaizumi couldn’t bear the thought.
“Pasensya ka na sa mga kathang isip kong ito
Wari'y dala lang ng pagmamahal sa iyo”
Some days, he forgets. He forgets about the heartbreak, and he forgets that they ever broke up. On those days, he comes home and expects his Tooru to greet him with a warm smile like he always used to. On those days, he expects Oikawa to hug all his worries and frustrations away. On those days, he cries harder than ever, tears wrecking his entire body to exhaustion. Those days are the worst, for he ends up longing for him more than ever.
“Ako'y gigising na sa panaginip kong ito
At sa wakas ay kusang lalayo sa iyo, lalayo sa...”
It’s been a year, he tells himself. He knows that he has to move on some time soon, that he has to get used to waking up without his best friend by his side. He has to get used to making breakfast without Oikawa’s hands circling from behind while peppering him with kisses as he tries not to burn breakfast. He has to get used to sleeping in their bed that feels all too large at tines that it’s suffocating. It’s hard, though. So he chooses to ignore it.
“Gaano kabilis nagsimula
Gano'n katulin nawala”
10 years. He feels like 10 years of then together as a couple passed in the blink of an eye. daig pa ng kisapmata, he sometimes thinks. How can he just move on with his life and forget the 10 best years he’s had? How can he go from breathing easily with Oikawa by his side to feeling like he’s drowning every second that passes? It seems impossible.
“Maaari ba tayong bumalik sa umpisa?
Upang 'di na umasa ang pusong nag-iisa”
Iwaizumi thinks of what he’d do, if given the chance to start over. He doesn’t think for long, though. He knows he’d pick loving Oikawa and going through all the heartaches and heartbreaks if it meant he could be with him again. He’d go through all the fights and arguments they had and he’d try to fix it, because maybe then, he wouldn’t leave. maybe then he wouldn’t ask for space. maybe then, he and oikawa would end up together, and he wouldn’t be here, once again muffling his tears as best he could.
“Sumabay sa agos na isinulat ng tadhana”
He sometimes wondered whether fate was playing a cruel joke on him. But then again, perhaps it was just his luck that he fell in love with his best friend, that he fell in love with a man he never was meant to end up with.
He always had fiercely believed that he and Oikawa were soulmates. Everyone knew that where Oikawa Tooru was, Iwaizumi Hajime would also be. They were simply made for each other. Who else could match them better than they did each other? But soulmates didn’t always end up together. Sometimes, things went wrong, and even the ones who were absolutely perfect for each other would drift apart. Life was cruel like that sometimes.
“Na minsan s'ya'y para sa iyo pero minsan, s'ya'y paasa”
Iwaizumi had always thought that he knew Oikawa better than anyone else did. It was what he believed, especially since they’ve been together since they were little kids. Who else, then, could say they knew Oikawa Tooru better than him, his best friend, Iwaizumi Hajime?
But years of being with Oikawa only proved on thing— that perhaps, sadly, he didn’t know his best friend as well as he thought he did. Maybe he was the only person who truly knew Oikawa well, but perhaps no one in the world really did know him, or rather, his mind. Oikawa Tooru’s mind worked in complex ways. It was damn near impossible to figure out what he was thinking most of the time, so how could he have known that Oikawa had already fallen out of love with Iwaizumi?
“Tatakbo papalayo, kakalimutan ang lahat”
When he looks back at the moments they had together, his heart clenches. He looks back and his heart aches at how naive he had been, so sure that he and Oikawa would be forever by each others side, together, growing old holding each other in their arms. He sometimes wishes he could forget everything they had, everything Oikawa gave him. All the love, the laughter, the heartaches and heartbreaks. He wishes he could forget everything, but at the same time he wants nothing more than to relive and cherish those precious moments with him. He’s conflicted. He loves Oikawa too much to forget him, but his heart can’t handle the hurt any longer.
“Pero kahit sa'n man lumingon
Nasusulyapan ang kahapon”
Why does everything around him remind him of Oikawa? It’s cruel, he thinks. The tiny stain on his favourite dress shirt, the little chips on the sofa’s armrest, the extra hair products he never got to throwing away, it was all him. Even after their breakup, the ghost of Oikawa Tooru still managed to linger around.
“At sa aking bawat paghinga
Ikaw ang nasa isip ko, sinta”
All those times that Iwaizumi told Oikawa that he was his breath of life, Oikawa laughed. He brushed it off, teased his Iwa-chan for being so cheesy, or asked if he was sick. But it was true. Iwaizumi never lied. Oikawa always has, and perhaps always will be, Oikawa’s breath of life.
Since then, even the very breath that Iwaizumi took reminded him of Oikawa. It was pathetic. He couldn’t even breathe properly without thinking of Oikawa, without being on the verge of breaking down. What’s the point of living without Oikawa by his side?
“Kaya't pasensya ka na sa mga kathang isip kong ito
Wari'y dala lang ng pagmamahal sa iyo
Ako'y gigising na mula sa panaginip kong ito
At sa wakas ay kusang lalayo sa iyo, lalayo sa...
'Di ba nga ito ang 'yong gusto?
Oh, ito'y lilisan na ako”