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You had given up on taking a bath a long time ago. Instead you were resigned to sitting in the tub, cuddling yourself as you tightened your arms around your knees and brought them closer to your chest. No matter how much you did it, you couldn’t make yourself smaller than you were already feeling.
Got a headache that just won’t shift
Would have stayed if you’d had asked
But instead you just walk past
Maybe sure I’m out of my depth
I can’t dance but I just can’t accept that
You knew you should be getting out of the bath, but you didn’t have the strength to move. Even if your fingertips had wrinkled after soaking in water for so long, even if you tears had dried in your cheeks… You just didn’t.
Your thoughts still haunted you. Those once happy moments were now nothing more than bitter memories. All those beautiful words you exchanged were but proof of his betrayal. All his genuine smiles felt like fake gestures in retrospect. It was all a lie.
Another sob shook your chest and your throat, and you cuddled over yourself even more. There was non-physical ache in your chest, and it wouldn’t go away.
You’re the one who told me to never look back
You’re the one who asked me if I’m feeling ok
I said I’m fine
It’s just a sitting down in the shower day
The door suddenly opened, causing you to jolt up as you saw a pair of piercing blue eyes peeking inside. You lowered your gaze immediately, not wanting to face the fact that he was catching you in such a state.
“Hey, love… You’ve been in there for a bit, are you…?” Jaskier stopped himself at the sight of you. Honestly, even if you probably presented a terrible appearance you couldn’t be bothered to care. “Y/N, are you alright?”
You only shrugged, not feeling strong enough to speak up either. All you could do was stay there as he slowly closed the door behind him and walked into the room. Observing him with the corner of your eye, you saw how he paused. How he looked at you in uncertainty. How his brow furrowed in concern and sadness.
Jaskier knew. He and Geralt had been traveling with you for a while now. Of course they realized there was something off with you. After being separated for some days, you came back different. An empty shell of your previous self, as the bard had so wittily put into words. You told them what happened, although not in detail as it was too painful to evoke. When you briefly explained that you had broken up with your partner, they were kind enough to insist on stopping by an inn and give you some time to grief and recover from your broken heart. Even if you thought it would never heal.
The bard approached you carefully. He watched you as he reached the bath and didn’t glance away even as he squatted in front of you. His arms leaned on the bathtub and he leaned forward as if to speak. He paused for a few more seconds before he did.
“If he doesn’t want you, he’s a dick” Was all Jaskier said, examining your expression. He smiled, and you knew what that gesture meant. But you couldn’t provide him with a smile of your own, no matter how much he sought it. “You deserve better than that”
Oh, Jaskier… always so kind, always so energetic and cheerful. If only you had fallen for him before, perhaps your heart wouldn’t be shattered into a million pieces. You shook your head, too hurt to believe him. His words were but a false comfort. If he hadn’t wanted you, why would Jaskier? Why would anyone? He had made it clear that you weren’t worth it, and maybe he was right. You thought he was.
Leave the room but you get caught in the rain
Know you should love him but it’s such a pain
Would have stayed if you’d had asked
But instead you just walk away
Walk around all nonchalant
“Y/N…” Jaskier uttered sadly, catching the shift in your expression.
You shook your head again, helpless. More sobs shook your body, soon resulting in new tears welling up in your eyes. Seeing this, he frowned and fondly squeezed your arm.
“We had gone through so much together… We spent so long time together and now…” You words were interrupted by a treacherous sob climbing up your throat. That romance had been too good to be true. “It just… hurts so much…”
“I’m so sorry…” His fingers were still resting around your arm, which he gave another gentle squeeze. Not even his warmth seemed to provide you with any comfort.
“I loved him so much… But he didn’t, I don’t think he ever did…” The pain was all the more real as you expressed it to someone else, as you spoke it into existence. Locked within you, it felt barren and hollow. Now, it was brutal. “Why would he? I’m worthless…”
“What are you on about, love?” Jaskier blinked repeatedly, confused as though you were suddenly speaking in a different language. “That’s not true”
You’re the one you told me to never look back
You’re the one you told me to never look back
Well I’m looking back and looking back
And looking back and looking back at you
He nervously licked his lips, standing up and suddenly avoiding your gaze. His eyes were drowned in tears and sorrow. Once his back was turned, Jaskier spoke up again.
“Come now, get out of that bath” He muttered while he absently picked up a towel. “Before you get cold, love, you’ll get sick”
Jaskier looked over his shoulder, only to realize you hadn’t moved an inch. Heaving a tired sigh, he returned beside the bathtub. You observed him in silence.
“Don’t make me get in there with you” He grinned in an attempt to lighten the mood.
You seized each other up for a moment, but none of you moved at first. He then took his doublet off. You frowned. After a few more seconds of silently staring into each other’s eyes, he actually leaned on the border to jump in. Startled, you moved forward and made to get out after all. Something stopped you, however, when you realized you had nothing to cover yourself with. Knowing you so well to read your thoughts, Jaskier then held the tower in the air.
“I won’t look, I promise” Indeed, he turned his head slightly. Jaskier held the position, seeming determined about his task. “I’m not moving from here, love, not until you get out of there”
Heaving a big sigh, you pulled yourself out of the water. It took you a great effort, as your muscles were heavy and tired. All of you felt like that. Even your head did, fuzzy and tangled.
Once you were on your feet, the sound of dripping water filled the silence of the room. You felt vulnerable and exposed as you stood there with Jaskier, but he never once peeked. He kept his promise. Cautiously, he moved his arms to wrap the towel around your torso, being careful not to touch you.
Tears gathered in your eyes when you realized how much he cared about you. How these little gestures of his showed his unconditional love for you. He didn’t move as you heavily leaned a hand on his shoulder, standing strong to allow you to climb out of the bath. Your bare feet touched the wooden ground, feeling cold and empty.
Although Jaskier was trying his absolute best, that horrible hollow feeling didn’t leave your chest. Still feeling weak and exhausted, you sat down on the ground. Startled by this, your friend glanced down and saw you there. He felt his heart breaking at the sight of such a fragile version of you, of one so defeated and crestfallen.
Jaskier didn’t lose a second to pick up another towel and put it over your shoulders to avoid you getting cold. Then, moving slowly to ensure it didn’t bother you, he sat down behind you. You didn’t move.
“Please, love, talk to me” He whispered, gingerly wrapping his arms around you from behind. It seemed as though he was scared that if he held you too tightly, you would break. That you would shatter like glass.
You shook your head once more, hating to be sobbing as he tenderly held you in his arms. Your wet hair threw tiny water droplets everywhere with the movement, but you didn’t care. You didn’t care that it was leaving your skin cold. You didn’t care that it was drenching the towel as well as Jaskier’s undershirt. You didn’t feel strong enough to break away from his embrace, which was the only thing that seemed to provide you with any sort of comfort now. At last.
You felt worthless, stupid and helpless and yet somehow Jaskier was still there. Despite the fact that you were falling apart, he lingered by your side to pick up the pieces. He refused to leave you, because he cared about you. Because he wanted you to be okay.
“Say something, Y/N…” He whispered in your ear, squeezing your body in a way that your back pressed against his chest. Like yourself, he didn’t seem to mind that his clothes were getting wet. He only cared about you.
So for Christ’s sake just say something
For Christ’s sake just say something
For Christ’s sake just say something
“Why do you let me travel with you, Jaskier?” You suddenly piped up, although your voice was hoarse from the silence and the tears.
“Wh…” He gawked at you, intensely locking eyes with you. “What do you mean?”
Your craned your neck, shifting your body slightly to take a look at his expression.
“Both you and Geralt know extraordinary people, you know sorcerers and wizards and warriors and yet…” You averted your gaze, rattled by his staring. It felt like he was looking into your very soul, capable of reading every thought and insecurity of yours. “You accepted me, when you could have had someone useful by your side”
At first silent, Jaskier only took the towel that rested over your shoulders and gathered it in his hands. He paused for a bit longer, delicately placing it over your head to dry your drenched hair.
“Why does Geralt keep me by his side?” He questioned at last. “I am none of those things. I don’t possess magic or knowledge useful to a witcher. I don’t have the skills to wield a weapon either. I am useless to Geralt, am I not?””
“N-No” You stuttered, being surprised about how his gentle touch and cares were causing your tense shoulders to relax. “You keep his spirits up and talk to him, you keep him company”
“Precisely” With kind hands, he turned you a bit to be facing you, making you rest on your side against his torso now. “Why are you any different then, love? We keep you around because we like you and we enjoy traveling with you, because you are our friend and we care about you”
Given your silence, Jaskier continued to carefully dry your hair. His touch was gentle, being careful not to pull at it.
“Is this because of him, of that pathetic little man?” He clicked his tongue in annoyance. “He’s not worth all the trouble, Y/N”
“Maybe it was me that wasn’t worth it” You absently watched your hands, noticing your fingers were still wrinkled. “Maybe that is why he…”
Jaskier interrupted you by tutting his tongue and leaning his chin on your shoulder, vehemently shaking his head.
“Alright, you know I love to sleep around” He paused to take a deep breath and tighten his arms around you. “But… if I had you I would never do something like that to you”
“You’re not being serious, Jaskier…”
“I absolutely am, love”
“No, you’re just saying that-“
“You could be the one that makes me settle down”
A chuckle miraculously left your lips from the unexpected nature of such comment. He laughed with you, throwing the towel aside and tucking your damp hair behind your ear.
“You’re too good to be with a miserable like him” He tenderly said, his sweet tone going with the absolute adoring look he was dedicating you. “I mean it, Y/N”
“Thank you, Jaskier…” You muttered, feeling your voice low and frail. Still, the fact that he was going through all this trouble only to be there for you was heartwarming. He was doing all that just to cheer you up, to see you smile and mend your broken heart.
“I love you, don’t you know?” He whispered, leaning forward to leave a kiss on your cheek. Your skin started burning in that spot, magically warming you up.
You didn’t know exactly in which way he loved you, but it was enough for you. Closing your eyes and embracing everything about that moment, you leaned further into him, and he welcomed your closeness with a kiss on your hair. And at that moment, it was enough for you.