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Akaashi Keiji wasn’t an emotional person. He tried to make the right decision at the right moment, and he (most of the time) was correct in his assumptions. Always basing on logic, facts and strategy he tried to make his team win and successfully did so, gaining his teammates’ trust. That was his style; making coherent, cold-headed decisions.
But falling in love with Bokuto Koutarou certainly wasn’t one of them.
Akaashi didn’t know how, when or why, but he’d realized that every time Bokuto was near him his heart raced as if he’d been running a marathon. At first, he associated it with being at practice — after all, they were doing physical exercise, so he brushed it off as nothing important. Then, it happened again next day at lunch.
When he saw Bokuto at the entrance to the cafeteria, his heart skipped a beat. Akaashi frowned at his own chest, confused. He looked up again to his teammate, and their eyes met. Bokuto smiled and waved at him, excited, in an exaggerated gesture. When Akaashi greeted him back, his smile grew wider, if that was possible.
Akaashi’s heart did the same thing as earlier that day. And at that moment, he understood.
“Is something wrong?” his friend said, looking at him.
“No, it’s nothing,” he lied, because it was everything. Every little thing Bokuto did mean the world to Akaashi, and he’d finally realized.
Akaashi had fallen in love and he could do nothing about it.
Love was dangerous, the forbidden apple. Beautiful and sweet, but at the same time excruciating, sweltering. It was something that could make logic seem absurd and reality surreal — people did nonsense because of love, and that was what Akaashi feared the most.
Akaashi liked to be in control of his life. The moment something was out of his control, it threatened to destroy what he’d built. Akaashi was afraid of losing his everything, and it turned out that his everything was Bokuto. He wasn’t too unpredictable, but he was unpredictable enough to make Akaashi lose his cool.
“Fuck,” he whispered under his breath as he saw Bokuto’s muscles move under his skin. The ball slammed hard against the court and went up several feet into the air. Bokuto was the ace of the team for something — that was one of the best demonstrations of power he’d made, but he could do even better. That only thought made chills run down Akaashi’s spine.
“HEY, HEY, HEY!”
Akaashi couldn’t help staring at him, at his smile, at his muscles. Bokuto was as bright as the sun itself, and he was afraid that some day his light would blind him so much he wouldn’t know who he was. A sharp pain in his chest told him that he couldn’t confess to Bokuto, ever. There was so much at stake — volleyball, their friendship, Akaashi’s heart. He decided the most rational thing was not telling him about his feelings. He’d be okay just watching him from the sidelines; sooner or later his heart would calm down and Akaashi would forget about his crush. It was easier said than done.
Eventually, he accepted that there was nothing he could do to change what he felt. It started to be unbearable, so much that he couldn’t stand being with Bokuto too much time. He avoided him as often as he could, even if it meant being rude. He just couldn’t handle the pain that settled on his chest when he thought about their lips brushing together, shoulders bumping against each other, wordless communication between them. Even if it hurt so much, he couldn’t escape needing Bokuto.
Just like the day he realized his feelings, he saw Bokuto at the entrance of the cafeteria. He chatted with his friends, but not as cheerfully as always. Akaashi looked down at his food, suddenly not feeling hungry anymore.
He glanced again at Bokuto, and found him staring. Akaashi was at the opposite side of the place, but he could read on Bokuto’s lips his own name when he said it. His teammate started walking hurriedly in his direction, and Akaashi’s mind raced up, trying to come up with an excuse to avoid him once more. It turned out it wasn’t necessary.
Bokuto tripped over a fallen fork, slamming his face hard against the floor. All the students turned to look at him, some wincing, some trying to stifle a laugh. Akaashi closed his eyes, sighed and stood up.
“Are you alright?” A girl near him reached to Bokuto, who hadn’t got up from the ground.
“It’s okay, leave it to me. I’m his friend,” Akaashi said as he crouched next to his teammate. “Bokuto-san, please straighten up.”
“Akaashi…” he whined.
Bokuto shifted at the sound of his friend’s voice and did as he was told. Just as he sat, Akaashi realized Bokuto’s nose was bleeding. He sighed again and touched gently his face. When he made sure nothing was broken, he stood up.
“Come on, let’s go to the infirmary,” Akaashi said, and walked out of the place, ignoring all the student’s glances.
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It was lunch time, so they didn’t find the nurse when they got there. Bokuto sat on one of the beds quietly, and Akaashi felt uneasy. Bokuto wasn’t the quiet type, much less when he’d embarrassed himself in front of all the students in the high school. Akaashi spared a glance over his shoulder to look at Bokuto’s face, expression unreadable.
Akaashi found what he was searching for on one of the tables and gave it to Bokuto.
“Let’s wait until your nose stops bleeding,” he said, and Bokuto quietly nodded in agreement. He put two pieces of paper into his nostrils. After some minutes, he changed them. The bleeding was stopping.
An awkward silence settled between them. Akaashi considered his options, and threw his let’s-avoid-Bokuto-san plan away. He took a seat to Bokuto’s side.
“What’s wrong, Bokuto-sa—
“Why are you avoiding me?” Bokuto scowled at his own feet.
Akaashi was taken aback — he’d never heard that tone from Bokuto. It was heated, not angry but sorrowful.
Akaashi gritted his teeth, feeling a sudden wave of self-loath. He hated himself for making Bokuto use that tone. He always tried to be right, to follow logic so everything ended up being alright.
“Did I do something wrong?” Bokuto looked at him with pain in his eyes.
And yet— and yet, he’d made his friend, the one who he loved the most, suffer.
“Have I— Have I hurt you?”
“No!” Akaashi exploded, and Bokuto jumped. “No… no. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Abruptly, tiredness took his body. His shoulders sank, feeling how sore his muscles were, how much he wanted to just lay in his bed and sleep, forgetting about everything. Akaashi put his head between his hands and started trembling. He was losing control, he was losing himself, he was losing Bokuto. He let out a shaky breath.
“You didn’t do… anything.”
Akaashi was tired. So, so tired. Tired of needing to be in control of everything. Tired of feigning that he was always okay. Tired of pretending he didn’t think about their bodies colliding, Bokuto’s mouth on his, hearts beating at a same pace.
“Akaashi…”
His friend put a hand on his back and traced circles in an attempt to calm him down. Bokuto’s hand was warm and gentle against his uniform. Akaashi liked that about him — Bokuto was capable of such raw force as the one he used to hit the ball, but at the same time was the sweetest person in the world. Sometimes Akaashi could feel his own heart melt by that tenderness.
After a moment, his breaths steadied. Bokuto’s hand still rested on his back, supporting, helping him not to fall into a million broken pieces.
Akaashi straightened up, composing himself back again. He fixed his eyes in front of him.
“Sorry,” he said. “For this crisis, and making you think you’ve done something wrong. I —
“I’m in love with you,” Bokuto blurted.
Akaashi turned to face him so hard he almost got whiplash, eyes wide. His teammate looked at him in the eye, all serious.
“You— you what?”
“I’m in love with you,” Bokuto repeated. He looked confused at Akaashi’s surprise. “I thought you knew and that was why you were avoiding me?”
There was a beat of silence.
Akaashi felt like crying from relief, but he didn’t. Instead, his shoulders started shaking with laughter. Bokuto kept staring at him.
He was laughing so hard he ended curled up on the bed, wiping tears. There was no way he could have known Bokuto was in love with him.
“What… what’s wrong, Akaashi? Are you having an attack or… or something?” Bokuto looked genuinely confused, and made wide gestures with his hands, unsure of what to do.
“Sorry, sorry.” Akaashi stopped laughing after a moment and breathed. His ribs ached. “It’s just — I’m… I didn’t expect this. After all, I’m in love with you, too.”
He looked up at him with a small smile, laying sideways on the bed. Bokuto made an expression that he liked to call Error 404 Bokuto not found and blushed, red dyeing his cheeks.
“That’s why… That’s why you were avoiding me?”
Akaashi nodded.
“We’re so fucking dumb,” Bokuto whispered.
There was a pause, and they both laughed. Bokuto made himself lay next to Akaashi, their faces just some inches apart.
They studied each other, although they already knew their faces by heart.
“Then, what’s your excuse?” And then, at Bokuto’s confusion, “Why haven’t you kissed me yet?”
The other boy smiled wide and brushed gently their lips before finally doing it. Bokuto kissed him gently, and Akaashi let himself relax against him. Fuck logic, he thought, and kissed him back.
Bokuto’s hands heated Akaashi inside out, his touch leaving a ghost in every part of him he caressed. Making out with Bokuto in the infirmary room wasn’t something that he’d expected to happen, and it wasn’t the smartest decision either, but he didn’t care. It was as great and beautiful as it sounded, and Akaashi let himself relax as he felt Bokuto and Bokuto felt him. They wanted to learn each other’s body, every bone, every inch of skin. They drowned in each other, and felt the purest happiness ever.
Suddenly, the door slid open.
“Hey, what are you doing there?” A woman asked.
They separated, eyes wide, looking at each other. The curtain hid their faces, but not their silhouettes. The sound of heels against the ground grew close.
“Oh shit. Let’s RUN.” Bokuto grabbed his hand and sprinted out of the room, almost ripping the curtain off, dragging Akaashi with him. They heard the nurse yelling something about making out in the infirmary, but he couldn’t care less. They laughed hard as they ran, leaving startled looks and angry teachers behind them.
He and Bokuto, they were going to be alright. As long as they were together, everything was okay.
That evening at practice Bokuto bragged about his boyfriend in front of his teammates, and Akaashi told him to focus on the task at hand. Bokuto whined, but did as he was told. Then, when he wasn’t looking, Akaashi smiled. He was happy.