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He was seeing white. No, wait.
He was feeling white. How do you even feel white? James T. Kirk had no idea, but the searing pain shooting through his arm begs to differ. Somebody was screaming, he’s not positive, but it could be himself. Maybe it’s the poor ensign that he had tackled to the ground before the phaser struck him.
He can’t remember her name. Ensign Lo … something.
Ensign Logan . No that wasn’t it. The pain in his arm was getting worse. Kirk was definitely the one screaming, his throat was sore. His mouth tasted like copper, that couldn’t be a good sign. Why did his chest hurt now?
Ensign London . No it wasn’t that either. His chest hurt even more now. Somebody’s hands were pressing on his arm. That felt nice. Jim turned his head to investigate, but found that his vision was far too blurry even to see what was going on. Forget seeing white, all Jim could see was red.
Dear God, that was a lot of red.
Ensign Lopez ! That was it! He jumped in front of Ensign Lopez after she unknowingly provoked the native alien species of the planet they were taking a geographic survey of. He remembers now. The scans had said that there hadn’t been any life on the plant (sans the flora and fauna), and so he hadn’t requested a large security team. How could’ve he known?
The hands on his arm pressed down harder.
Everything sounded muffled around him. He was clearly losing consciousness, and fast. Jesus Christ, Jim wished he wasn’t dying. Not again, not after they had just gotten him back. Forget white, forget red, all Jim could see now was black, but that didn’t stop him from feeling the tingly feeling that always accompanies beaming up onto the Enterprise .
Thank God.
--------
Six days. Apparently Kirk had been out for six days. Bones said that the damage to his arm was reversible (apart from the nasty scar it would probably leave, but Jim was used to that by this point) , but the amount of blood he lost is what really messed him up. There was also some other medical jargon that Kirk couldn’t- and wouldn’t try to -understand, but basically what he gathered was that despite his seven days of comatose bedrest, he’d have to stay under medical observation for another week.
A week ! Forget about Jim’s ansty and energetic nature, he just felt bad for forcing his crew through this. That would be another week where Spock would have to man the conn and the Enterprise would have to work around the absence of their captain.
Jim felt bad. And not just in the medical sense of the word, although he can confirm that he felt incredibly weak, not that he would ever tell Bones that. No, Jim felt bad for all the stress the rest of his crew must’ve been under. He really needs to learn how to avoid this shit a little better.
“Hey Bones,” Kirk croaked, totally forgetting about the lack of usage his throat had endured.
Bones let out a hum of acknowledgement, but was still thoroughly engrossed in Jim’s medical examination that he was currently performing. God, Jim wished, no prayed , that McCoy wouldn’t need to use a hypo. Anything but a hypo.
“How is everybody? I mean, besides all this shit that we just went through. How’s everybody doing?”
“Goddammit Jim, only you would care about how others are doing even though you almost died,” Bones retorted gruffly, but Kirk could sense the care lacing his voice, “again. Almost died again .” That was accompanied by a more pointed glare. Jim went to raise his hands in mock defense, but the shooting pain in his arm elicited a wince and groan from him instead.
“Damn, that’s going to be a bitch to take care of, huh?”
“Wouldn’t be like that if you acted like you had a brain. I can only bring you back from the dead so many times.”
“Yeah, yeah. I know. Anyways, you didn’t answer my question. Got any hot gossip for me, pal?”
“Jim, you can ask them yourself. I’m sure everybody is going to be all over you once you get cleared for visitors.”
“Aw, you wanted to keep me to yourself for a while, Bones,” Jim taunted, patting McCoy’s hand with his non-injured arm, “that’s cute. I’m not going anywhere buddy.”
“I wish you would,” Bones grumbled, exiting the room, finally satisfied with Jim’s vitals or whatever.
“I heard that!” Jim yelled after him. Letting out a sigh he adjusted his bed so that he was in a sitting position. He stretched his body in various directions to figure out what he could and couldn’t do, considering the varying levels of pain that he was experiencing. He would ask Bones to give him a different medication for his pain, but chances were that he was probably allergic, and neither of them wanted to take that chance.
Seeing that he had nothing to do, and Bones hadn’t left anything for him to at least entertain himself with, Jim figured that getting some more sleep wouldn’t hurt him. Hey, he might’ve been knocked out for six days, but that makes a man tired. Shutting his eyes, Jim prayed to whatever deity may be out there that he didn’t have any nightmares.
-------
God wasn’t listening apparently, because Kirk startled awake with a sharp gasp, followed by a groan of pain after the state of his arm finally hit his brain’s nerve receptors. He was sweaty all over, his breath was still coming in shallow pants, and Jim was so out of sorts that he didn’t even notice the other presence in the confined medical room.
Willing his nerves to calm down, Jim turned to his bedside table hoping to find water or something else to quell his frazzled self. What he wasn’t expecting to see was his first officer passed out in the statutory visitors’ chair next to his bed.
Huh. That certainly was something new.
Jim never considered Spock a particularly older looking fellow, he knew that Spock was a few years older than the Captain but that never made itself evident in either of their appearances. But now … Spock looked almost innocent .
Perhaps it’s because his eyebrows were relaxed (as opposed to their constant furrow) or maybe it’s because Jim has never seen Spock look so unguarded, but the sight shot a twang directly to Jim’s heart.
Goddammit, he was in deep shit. This little- who was he kidding, it was huge, ginormous -crush on Spock wasn’t news to Jim, but this didn’t help. He didn’t want to wake the science officer, but Jim was also dying (please excuse the pun) to have a conversation with the Vulcan, as a means of forgetting his awful dream.
Kirk coughed, hoping the noise would be enough to rouse Spock.
The cough did indeed register to him, Spock almost jerking awake (but far more calmer than the action suggests) and immediately looking at his Captain. And if Jim was looking hard enough- which he wasn’t -he would’ve seen the panic flicker across the Vulcan’s face before schooling back into his stoic self.
“Captain, I’m glad to see you are finally medically sound. Doctor McCoy did instruct me on your medical instructions to remain ensconced in the medical bay for the time being.”
“Spock, it’s good to see you too.” The stern look in Spock’s eyes softened. “But please, call me Jim. I’m obviously not on duty right now, so the pleasantries are far from necessary.”
“Indeed,” Spock looked at the PADD, a tactical move as Jim didn’t notice the rising olive hue on the Vulcan’s cheekbones, “ Jim .”
And wow, if that didn’t do all sorts of things to Jim. Sure, Spock had said his name in the past. He’d said it in disdain, annoyance, and all other forms of irritation under the rainbow, but never like this. No … this was different. Spock almost sounded worried .
Kirk resolutely shook his head (mentally), there was no way. The only emotions- despite his vehement opposition, James Tiberius Kirk was one thousand percent positive that Mister Spock felt and expressed emotions -that Kirk had even remotely picked up on were on the more negative side. Usually exasperation. Usually in the context of Jim.
Bottom line, Jim was hung up. That couldn’t have been concern in his voice, there was no possible way Spock would even remotely slip an emotion like that into his voice. No, Jim was just hearing things. Now that made sense. He’d almost died, it would make sense that he was auditorily hallucinating his First Officer’s concern.
“It is my understanding that you are no longer physically damaged, Captain.”
“Yes, Spock, it would appear that way.” Jim didn’t think he could correct Spock’s use of his title if he wanted to, knowing the reaction it would produce.
“Then it is my duty to catch you up on all current ship affairs. As you know, the Enterprise underwent a serious attack after Lieutenant Uhura dissected a distress signal from the planet ….”
Jim was totally zoning out. Maybe he was more out of it than he initially thought, but he found it almost impossible to listen to Spock drone on about an event that he was present for. Instead, Kirk found himself carefully studying the Vulcan’s features, convenient in that it allowed him to feign some sort of attention to the conversation at hand.
Christ. Spock was beautiful.
Sure, seeing Spock sleeping was otherworldly (and something Jim knew he would be replaying in his dreams for at least a week, if not more), but Spock in his element? Well, Jim found that to be down right sexy. The stern set of Spock’s eyebrows in combination with his stiff posture had Kirk wriggling in his medical bed. Now was not the time.
“Captain, are you positive that you are well? Your concentration has been lacking for this entire debriefing and now you seem to show some sort of physical discomfort. Would it be in your benefit for me to obtain Dr. McCoy?”
“God no! Spock … I’m fine . Just a little antsy, that’s all. You can’t blame a guy.”
“It was not my intention to ‘blame’ you Captain, but if you are discomfited by my presence I can certainly make my exit and return at your convenience.” Spock’s eyebrow was raised, a surefire sign that he was not believing any of the bullshit pouring out of Jim’s mouth right now, but he was willing to put up with it for the sake of congeniality and professionalism.
“No, no you’re okay. I guess I’m just a little more out of sorts that I originally thought.”
“Ah. Well, Captain, if that is the case then with your permission I would like to make my leave, as it would leave me more mentally sound knowing that you are well rested for your return,” he didn’t even give Jim a chance to rebut, as Spock was already halfway towards the exit by the time he finished his sentence.
“Spock, you can stay, I have a week long bed rest order for Christ’s sake. I think I’m more than capable of withstanding your presence without passing out or anything.” It was a weak protest at best, but the Vulcan was clearly set on his course, finally reaching the exit of the med bay.
Thinking that Spock had gracefully exited, Jim let his head smack down on his pillow and let out a sigh. His First Officer could be difficult sometimes, and Jim just wanted to get to the bottom of it. See what makes the Vulcan tick. Clearly Spock wasn’t allowing any of his friendly advances to aid in this mission.
“Captain?”
Well that startled Kirk. He looked up to see Spock still situated in the exit doorway.
“Hmm?”
“Get better soon, Jim .”
And with that Spock completely exited the medical bay, leaving Kirk alone with his thoughts and that interaction fresh on the brain.
-------
Get better soon, Jim. Get better soon, Jim.
The phrase would not stop running itself through the Captain’s mind.
When he was eating? Get better soon, Jim. Sleeping? Get better soon, Jim. Attempting to catch up on his Captainly duties? Get better soon, Jim.
It was everywhere. That one uncharacteristic phrase was dominating Jim’s entire life. What did it mean? Why would Spock even say that? Jim was perplexed, confused, and worst of all, he was even more in love with the man than he was before this whole debacle, if that was even possible.
Long story short, James was fucked. Utterly, completely fucked. Head over heels, one hundred percent homo for his second in command. And three days ago he could’ve dealt with it. Could’ve shoved all this turbulent emotion into the back of his mind and sink all of his being into the Enterprise, as per usual. But that was three days ago. Spock hadn’t said Get better soon, Jim three days ago.
That green blooded bastard was giving Jim hope, and that wasn’t something that he could take lightly. Let alone the thought of rejection, over a simple misunderstanding of pure platonic kindness, was enough to make Kirk’s entire resolve shrivel up into the recesses of his mind.
“Bones, you weren’t there. It was- he was so- soft . Like he was concerned Bones! Concerned!”
“Uh-huh. And what exactly about this is news to you, kid?”
“Um, I don’t know, all of it ! I don’t know why you’re not freaking out over this. This is news, Bones. It’s ruining my life. I’m never going to be able to look at him again.”
“And this is news to you … how?”
“Cause you know. It’s Spock. Showing concern. Spock! For me, at the very least. Two years ago we hated each other and now he’s telling me to Get better soon, Jim . Which doesn’t help my little romantic situation in the least, ya know. I’m struggling here Bones! And I feel awful cause of him and Uhura, and I just can’t be a homewrecker!”
“Oh my God, Jim, do you not know?”
“Not know what? Bones this isn’t funny!”
Bones let out a dry chuckle of disbelief, palming his forehead in a way that indicated that he was experiencing the onset of a migraine, “Kid, you gotta be kidding me. Talk to the hobgoblin. Or literally anybody else on this ship that has a brain. Then you’ll know.” And with that Doctor McCoy made his exit, mumbling under his breath and shaking his head at Jim’s antics. That kid was a piece of work.
Get better soon, Jim.
Goddammit! Couldn't Jim have a moment of peace without that penetrating comment piercing through his mind. And the worst part? He hasn’t heard from or seen Spock since it happened, leaving this entire… situation open ended. It felt like Jim’s heart was on a precipice and this one comment was the tantalizing voice telling him to just take the jump, that it was worth it because Spock might like him too .
But, obviously not. One, Spock was straight. Two, Spock was straight and dating Uhura. So, clearly Spock didn’t like Kirk the way Kirk liked him. And that was okay. Or at least Jim was going to convince himself that it would be okay. If only his stupid brain would stop this chanting mantra of Spock’s words, then maybe Jim could actually convince himself. This had to be his personal hellhole: falling in love with somebody who is straight and dating another coworker, all while all of you have to live on the same vessel (in close quarters!) for three more years.
Yeah, Kirk had pretty much resigned himself to entirely fucked.
“Uh, Captain … are you alright?” Kirk looked up at the entirely recognizable voice.
“Yeah Scotty, m’ fine, just lost in my thoughts.”
“Well, I just came to check up on ya. See how you were holding up. You gave us all quite a scare back there, almost had Mr. Spock going full crazy.”
“I’m sorry what?”
“Mr. Spock … your First Officer? Oh God Jim don’t tell me you’ve got amnesia too.”
“No, no Scotty I know who Spock is. Just the- the full crazy? What was that all about?”
“Well, ya know sir. He was the one who got ya back on the ship and wouldn’t let anybody touch ya until he was sure that you were alright. It was a bit scary if you ask me, but certainly not out of line for him.” With that Scotty offered Jim a wink.
Jim was absolutely floored. Usual behavior? Not out of line? Did he and the rest of the crew know two different Spocks? Evidently so, because Scotty was talking as if this was just a casual conversation between friends and not like he was delivering some mind-altering news to Kirk’s existence.
“Not- not out of line? Scotty what are you on?”
Scotty raised his eyebrows and did a onceover of his Captain. Then he sucked in a harsh breath of air, “Oh Captain … you really have no idea what’s goin’ on do ya?”
“Why does everybody keep saying that!”
Scotty simply appraised his Captain one more time before chuckling at himself and making his exit with a soft pat on Jim’s shoulder as to not disturb his wound and a “Good luck Captain.”
And once again, Kirk found his head slamming down on his pillow, releasing a sigh and then a groan, as the movement aggravated his still injured arm.
With this huge thunderstorm of a conundrum occurring in Kirk’s head right now, he had failed to take his pain medications today, which was becoming more and more evident by the second. Thank God Bones was on his lunch break, or else all hell would break loose. Kirk moved to grab the medicine from his bedside table, but the movement jostled his injured arm, causing him to cry out (as opposed to the stilted gasps and sighs that he’d been emitting in the past). Moving back into a position that didn’t hurt his arm, Kirk became suddenly aware of how big of a deal this injury was. Sure, the seven days out cold was a good clue, but sue him, he was a little dumb sometimes. But now, with the electric pain shooting from his wrist up to his chest and the cold sweat that’d broken out on his brow, James was in serious pain.
Letting out a few deep breaths he turned onto his non-injured side, meaning he’d have to reach with his injured arm for the medication. … Fuck, this was going to hurt. Jim took a few deep breaths before taking the leap and reaching for his medication, but before he could so much as lift his arm a foot away from where it rested, a gentle hand pressed his arm back into the bed and another hand passed Jim his medication.
“Captain, I suggest that you do not endeavor to do such strenuous activity with your currently healing arm, as it may cause more unexpected injury, which is something that we cannot afford at the present.”
“Spock!”
“… Indeed.”
“I’m so glad you’re here! Thanks for the help by the way.”
“I do not see any reason why you would be grateful for my presence, as it is merely my duties as First Officer to ensure the Captain’s safety and the smooth running of the Enterprise .”
Ah. Of course. Now Jim felt like a monumental dumbass. The Get better soon, Jim was merely Spock doing what he logically felt was necessary within his line of duty given the situation. Ouch. Forget his arm, Kirk’s heart was now contracting in a way that was far, far worse.
“Oh. Yeah. Of course Mister Spock. Well, thanks for the help anyways I guess.”
“Here is a list I compiled of all of the ship’s correspondents in the past three days. The ship has been running adequately, although I have noticed a 14.3% drop in the crew’s morale during your absence.”
“Well, that’s nice to hear. That they care about me I mean. Is there anything else I should know of Mister Spock?”
“Negative Captain, however Lieutenant Uhura has requested that she have a meeting with you as soon as possible.” If Spock sounded tense whilst saying this, Kirk simply chalked it up to hearing things again.
“Okay, yes, of course. Well, then, tell Uhura that she can swing by any time. I’m not exactly buried in my duties here. Actually, Spock, do you have any paperwork I could do … just to pass the time?”
“Captain, I would advise against engaging in any strenuous activity at the present, and as of three point two hours ago all of the current paperwork for the Enterprise has been completed under my hand as acting Captain.”
“Ah, yes. Of course, Mister Spock. Efficient as always I see.” And if that statement came out a little less livelier than Jim Kirk normally sounded, then nobody was the wiser. “Well then, I suppose you’re relieved of your ‘duty’ of visiting me Spock.” And there was certainly some venom crammed into that statement, but Jim was finding that with the pain in his arm fading the sting of Spock’s “obligatory” reasoning behind the visit was more and more intense.
“Of course, Captain. I presume that it is in my right to provide the crew with an update of your increasing health?”
“I can’t see why not,” Jim said, turning over onto his uninjured arm (and if that just happened to be facing away from one Spock, well then, that was just a plus). Sure, he was acting like a child, but with the fluctuating manner in which Spock was treating him … well, Jim thought he was pretty entitled to act this way.
But of course, consumed by his own petulance, one James T. Kirk was not able to observe how his First Officer’s (quite expressive) eyes softened when raking in the body before him. Kirk also missed the forlorn longing taking over an otherwise stoic face. But of course, even if Jim had seen these things he surely wouldn’t have noticed.
Spock left the room without another comment. The swishing close of the medbay doors left Jim feeling cold and very, very stupid. He really just wanted to get out of this goddamn biobed, was that too much to ask? Get better soon, Jim was ringing throughout his head and Jim wanted nothing more than to smash his face into his pillows and cry. But he couldn’t, so he didn’t.
But, Christ, did he desperately want to.
------
Turns out his special meeting with Uhura wasn’t scheduled until after Jim finally got out of medical rest. He understood the severity of the situation- or as much as he could, considering his last spell with death he actually died -but everybody was walking on eggshells around him and he was sick of it. He was the captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise Goddammit! Not some … child to be looked after, but that’s what it felt like. At least Uhura was still treating him relatively normally, pelting him with hollow insults and talking to him as if he was stupid (which in all fairness, when it came to anything Uhura, Jim probably was stupid about it), which made Jim feel a little more secure in his Captain’s chair.
If everybody else could show him the same common decency that would be fantastic .
Bones was constantly checking up on him, dropping by multiple times every Alpha shift and randomly sticking Jim with hypos. Jim appreciated the sentiment, he really did, but all he really wanted was a friend to chew the fat with, not his doctor.
Ensign Chekov was even more skittish than usual, immediately turning around to check on his Captain anytime Jim made a noise. This would then cause Sulu to turn around, not only to not-so-subtly check on Chekov, but also to shoot an all-knowing look at Jim. If he didn’t like Sulu just a little bit more than some of his other crew members Jim would’ve chewed him out for it.
Scotty was apparently still hung up on their conversation in the medbay (and to be honest, Kirk was too) and always looked a little sad for Jim everytime they talked. Which was something because Scotty never felt sad for anybody, and especially not Jim.
And Spock had gone completely fucking awol. Somehow the Science Officer managed to schedule all of his shifts so that they aligned with all of Kirk’s breaks, and had ditched their every-other-daily chess game three times now. And Kirk was pissed. Livid, even.
He had finally gotten better (and soon!) so where was Spock to congratulate him, or chew him out, or something! Nowhere. The Vulcan was absolutely nowhere to be found, and Uhura certainly wasn’t giving up any information.
“Listen, Uhura, I don’t understand why you just can’t tell me what’s up with Spock! I mean he’s my First Officer and I haven’t even seen him today! Don’t make me use my Captain’s orders against you ….”
Uhura sighed and rubbed her temples, “Listen, Jim, you and I both know that you won’t do that. Also, like I said before, I can’t tell you. That’d be an invasion of his privacy. Which is why I’m saying that you should talk to him.”
“So … what I’m hearing is you know why he’s disappeared all of sudden?”
“That’s not the point I was trying to make and you know it.”
“Why can’t you just talk to him and then relay what he says. You’re his girlfriend anyways, so isn’t that like … your job?”
Uhura’s entire face went slack and her eyes conveyed such a strong sense of anger and disbelief towards Jim that he felt his face burning under her scrutiny.
“I’m sorry, did I- did I say something out of line? Like is that off limits or something?”
“Jim, you really don’t mean to tell me that you don’t know .”
“Again?! I swear if somebody says something like that one more time I’m going to- excuse my language Lieutenant -fucking lose it!”
Nyota lifted her mouth to her face in disbelief, which then quickly morphed into amusement (Kirk figured it was at his expense too), and then finally into pity. To say that Kirk wasn’t amused would’ve been an understatement. He just wanted to know what was going on Goddammit!
“Oh my God. You really don’t know.”
“Know what Lieutenant.”
“Kirk- Captain, Spock and I haven’t been dating for over a year .”
Oh. OH . That would … explain a lot. Kirk felt his face slowly become flushed- far more flushed than he was a minute ago -and he was almost certain that his jaw was slack with surprise.
How had he not noticed? He was the Captain, he was supposed to notice these things! And that meant … it meant that Spock was available (assuming that he now wasn’t seeing any other crewpersons, and to Kirk’s knowledge he wasn’t). Except for with how Spock treated him during his last sickbay visit- the last time he saw Spock in the past few days -the chances of Spock returning any feelings, let alone the romantic kind, were slim to none.
“Are you serious?”
Uhura’s glare could probably kill a man … and James might’ve been that man in the present moment.
“Listen, just, talk to him Jim. I think you’re forgetting that you almost died.”
“Been there, done that Lieutenant.”
“My point exactly. You keep pulling this shit Jim, it scares the crew. You’re not invincible, you know.”
Jim set his head in his hands, “Yeah, I know.”
Uhura placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “Look, I wouldn’t steer you in the wrong direction. And we’re all worried about you, Spock included. So just, talk to him. Please.”
The addition of “please” and the soft way that Uhura said it told Jim everything he needed to know: he really needed to find Spock.
------
It took Jim another two days to simply catch a break . Now that he was safely recovered, the Federation had sent him on another “taxicab” assignment (basically being a quasi-uber for Starfleet personnel and diplomats), and while these were always very easy and very simple tasks they always left Jim tired out of his mind. As Captain of the ship it was always his job to entertain the alien diplomats, which required his charming suave persona to be turned on at 100%, which was very demanding. So yeah, Jim hadn’t had the time nor the mental capacity to pull Spock aside and have a (he determined it would be) civil conversation about what the fuck did Spock think he was pulling here?
So after two days of hauling alien ass, Jim was at his wits end. He wanted to know what was up with Spock, and he wanted to know now.
Finally, after endless hours of entertaining guests, Jim was able to return to his quarters. He found it extremely tempting to simply fall into his bed and sleep, but don’t let anybody tell you that James T. Kirk wasn’t a demanding man, he would figure out why Spock was ignoring him if it killed him.
So instead of hitting the sack like Jim wanted to, he found himself standing outside of Spock’s quarters, debating whether he should simply use his Captain’s override or knock.
It turned out that life had decided to make the decision for him, as Spock was currently striding down the hallway. However, the Vulcan stopped dead in his tracks when he saw his Captain standing outside his door. Kirk would say that the Science Officer looked surprised, but of course Spock would vehemently deny that.
“Captain your presence is rather … unexpected. Perhaps there was a scheduled game of chess? Although I do not recall scheduling such a match at this hour.”
“Ah … no. No Spock there’s no game of chess. I was wondering if we could just talk?”
Jim didn’t know what he expected in response, but Spock’s signature eyebrow lift seemed appropriate for the occasion. Instead of responding, Spock walked towards the door (and Jim immediately jumped out of the way, not wanting to agitate the Vulcan) and punched in his keycode. He stepped into the room, and when Jim didn’t immediately follow another eyebrow raise was shot his way.
Suffice it to say, Jim booked it into the room.
But now that he was actually facing Spock, in Spock’s room … Jim was finding that he’d lost all the vigor and energy to the task at hand than he previously possessed.
After a few prolonged moments of silence, Spock uncharacteristically cleared his throat and spoke up: “Perhaps it would be beneficial If I began this conversation, as I am quite certain I know the topic of which you came here to discuss.”
Jim just nodded dumbly, too paralyzed by his anxiety to make up any intelligent response.
Spock began pacing for a few moments, before stopping in front of Jim and looking up, making complete eye contact with the blonde. Jim felt a nervous shiver wrack his body, but did his best to suppress it.
“Captain-”, Spock began before Kirk cut him off with a soft, “Jim”, to which Spock responded with what Jim would describe as a Vulcan fond smile. Barely there, but Jim certainly noticed it, with him now being finely attuned to all of Spock’s facial quirks and idiosyncrasies.
“ Jim ,” Spock persisted, “I am aware that since the incident that caused your extended medical rest I have been acting less than exemplary, and for that I do apologize.”
Spock then pointedly stared at Jim, until Jim realized that this was supposed to be the end of Spock’s statement. This, seemingly, brought back all of Jim’s previous anger.
“No Spock, no, you cannot simply say ‘I’m sorry for my lacking performance’ and call it a day! That’s unacceptable when you’ve been ignoring me, and I know that you’re smart enough to figure out that your workplace performance was just the tip of the iceberg! Even if your work was lacking- which it wasn’t by the way -that’s not an excuse for ignoring me! I mean seriously, I thought we were making progress with the whole hating each other thing, but now it just feels like we’re falling more and more apart! And, not to mention everybody tells me that you freaked out when I got hurt and how I have ‘no idea what’s going on’ and I’m sick of it !”Jim finished, his face flushed red and out of breath.
Spock simply gaped at him for a second before a green tinge spread across his high cheekbones and he schooled his features.
“Capt- Jim. I would like to do something, and if it is uncomfortable or out of line in any manner please do not hesitate to stop me.”
“Yeah, sure Spock, I just don’t see what that has to do with-”
Kirk was pretty sure he wasn’t going to finish that thought, not now, not ever, because Spock had quickly closed the space between the two, grabbed Jim’s face in his hands, and kissed him like there was no tomorrow.
And honestly the only thing running through Jim’s mind at the present moment was static because Spock was fucking kissing him!
Once Spock pulled away- but kept his hands cradling Jim’s skull -and looked at Jim expectantly, all Jim could muster up was a weak “Oh”.
When Jim saw the miniscule falling of Spock’s face at his response he belatedly began to elaborate: “No! No,no,no Spock. Spock I like you . God, I sound like I’m in first grade or something. Look. Spock, what I’m trying to say is will you be my boyfriend or whatever the Vulcan equivalent of that is?”
The forest green tinge of Spock’s blush returned full force, and Jim found it quite amusing that Spock had the gall to up and kiss Jim, but got flustered when being properly asked out.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” Jim quietly said, before leaning in so he could kiss Spock again ( again !).
Turns out- in James Tiberius Kirk’s very valid and very official opinion -actually reciprocating Spock’s kisses was about a thousand times better than Spock just kissing him. And if the heady, steadfast way that Spock was going about this kiss was any indication … Spock felt the same.
Spock’s hands slipped down from Jim’s hair and onto his waist, pulling him tighter onto the half Vulcan’s body. Because of this, Jim sighed into the kiss which allowed Spock access to lick into Jim’s mouth with his cat-like tongue.
(And Dammit, Jim was pretty sure he owed Bones and Sulu money over a stupid drunken bet on the anatomy of Spock’s mouth now. But he found he didn’t mind this fact nearly as much when said sandpapery tongue was curling into his mouth like Jim was the only thing Spock ever wanted and ever needed.)
(It physically, mentally, socially, and emotionally hurt Jim’s heart to even fathom Spock liking him that much … but Kirk catalogued that problem into the “later” section of his brain.)
After a few more minutes of calculated making out (because Jim really wouldn’t expect less from his logical boyfriend !) Spock pulled away to murmur with a gravelly voice: “T'hy'la.”
Jim provided Spock with a pointedly confused look that conveyed, “I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, but for once I’m willing to listen.”
“T’hy’la,” Spock began, “has multiple meanings.”
He leaned down and landed a swift, chaste peck on Jim’s cheek, “ Brother , is one meaning.”
Another kiss, this time on Jim’s forehead, “It is sometimes interpreted as friend .”
Finally, one last kiss was placed on Jim’s lips (and yep, he decided that the novelty of that action was never ever going to get old), “The meaning I think is most suitable for the present relationship between us is lover .”
Once again Jim found himself speechless by Spock’s words and actions, and was only able to mutter a flustered:
“Oh.”
------
(And the next day, when Jim slipped Sulu and Bones their respective earnings from said bet, he pointedly ignored Sulu and Chekov’s hooting and Bones’ exhausted, albeit loving, “You finally figured it out, kid. Guess you’re not as stupid as I thought.”
The loving glances Spock aimed at Jim during Alpha Shift made all of it worth it. Because Spock- to Jim -was always worth it.)