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“This or this?”
“What do you mean ‘this or this’?” Off asked while looking at me with scrunched eyebrows and puzzled eyes. We’re still not halfway our checklist and he already looks so tired and bored.
“I mean I’m making you choose, Off. So this…” I raised my right hand holding a pink napkin. “…or this?” I then raised my left hand holding a napkin that is also pink but just a few tones darker.
He’s still wearing that same look on his face, completely baffled and lost. “They’re literally the same color and cloth. What are you trying to pull off, Gun?”
I heaved up a sigh. I left him standing there and went to the sales lady of the shop we’re in who’s busy reading something on her desk. Perhaps it’s the copy of the checklist I gave to her about an hour ago, and when I took a glimpse, I figured I was right. “Excuse me?” I called her.
She raised her head up to me and smiled. “Oh, you’re finished. Have you already picked a napkin?” The lady asked while standing up from her seat. Her stare went from me then to my back. It was Off who just followed me.
“Yes.” I smiled at the kind lady. “We’re taking this.” I handed to her the napkin that I was holding in my right hand. Since Off can’t even pick for himself, not to mention he can’t even see the difference, I just simply did the job for him. The color that I chose looks a lot cozier than the other one and seems more fitting when paired up with others. It’s actually still the one that I’d submit even if Off picked the other. Now that I realized it, there’s really not much of a point in making Off choose in the first place. I silently laughed at myself.
The lady took both of the napkins. “Good choice, Sir. What about the other things on your list?” she asked.
“I’m hungry, Gun. Let’s continue later.” I heard Off whisper to me. I looked at him and he’s making this face again that annoys and delights me at the same time.
I looked back to the lady. “He’ll still be choosing for the others but I guess he’ll do it later. He just said he’s hungry.” I told her while pointing to Off. I casually moved closer to the lady to add a whisper. I covered the side of my mouth and used my faintest voice. “Truth is, he’s actually just bored.”
That earned a laugh from the lady. She just nodded her head and gave me a thumbs-up. “What did you tell her?” Off nudged me a little.
I am laughing now, too. It’s been years and he still hasn’t changed a bit when it comes to doing this kind of thing. Back then when we’d roam around and visit the mall, every time I let him choose a shirt for me because I can’t decide, I’d still be the one who is left to pick. But that’s the thing about Off Jumpol, he may get bored a lot but when it comes to someone who’s important to him, he’ll still make sure that he’ll finish the task or at least contribute a piece of what’s in his mind.
“Nothing.” I answered him, still laughing. “Come on, let’s grab some lunch.” He just looked at me and then rolled his eyes before following me walk out the door of the shop.
“So, what do you think we’ll cross out next?” I asked Off before biting from my burger. We decided to eat out in our favorite fast food chain just 10 minutes away from the shop. Off is sitting across me and he’s holding and checking out the list that we’ve been carrying since this morning.
Off took a sip of his soda first before answering. “There’s still like a lot—lot in here. Tuxedos. Curtains. Plates.” His eyes widened a bit. “Even spoons and forks?”
“Yeah, obviously.” I rolled my eyes. He extended his arm across the table and jokingly hit me with the paper he was holding. “Hey!” I looked at him with an irritated face. I actually didn’t feel anything because, well, it’s only a piece of paper. I really just wanted to put up a face. Off laughed at my reaction.
“You really should get rid of that attitude of yours. You look more intimidating than ever.” He said while leaning back on his chair. I just rolled my eyes again and smiled. I didn’t mind it though, what he said. I actually take pride when I sense people get intimidated by me. I only allow few, and I mean really few, people to see my soft side, one of them happens to be the man sitting in front of me, casually crossing his arms. “Hey, I just realized something.” Off suddenly said while looking around.
“What?” I asked while turning my head to the right, then to the left. Did he see something?
“Doesn’t this place look familiar to you?”
I furrowed my eyebrows while my eyes looked around. This place looks just like any other fast food chain I’ve been in. It is only when I turned around my seat that I came up with the same realization as Off. What’s familiar suddenly became clear— the eccentric smell that I still couldn’t describe until now, the annoying ting sound from the counter when an order is ready, and most of all, the table for two by the glass window that just sits across the corner behind me. This isn’t just our favorite fast food chain, but this was once one of our favorite places. “Oh my God.” I blurted out then laughed.
“Yeah, oh my God.” Off mockingly repeated me. “Come on, let’s change tables!” He already stood up and brought with him his food before I can even answer. I just shook my head and did the same. I turned around and saw Off already sitting by that table— our favorite table. While I was walking towards him, time felt slow, really slow. I guess I was just savoring this moment because at the back of my head I was pretending like I’m moving in slow motion. Off is all smiles and he’s wearing that kind that reaches his eyes. He’s gesturing like a kid for me to walk fast. I’ve always loved this side of him. Despite his cool exterior, deep inside him, there is this playful child that comes out every few times or so.
The moment I sat in front of him, it’s as if Off has changed his clothes because for a second I saw him not in his white polo shirt that he’s wearing today, but in his black hoodie that he liked to wear many years ago. It was the one that I gave him on his 20th birthday. He didn’t like it at first because it had this Powerpuff Girls print on it, but being the soft person that he is, he eventually fell in love with it and wore it every time we go out. Back when we were in college, every time we’d study out, he’d always wear that, and then we’d always choose this place—this fast food chain that seemed to be ordinary but then didn’t because of the little moments that we shared in here. It’s a few miles away from our dormitories but we didn’t care because it’s open 24/7 and only few students came to spend their study nights just the same.
“I can’t even count the times I spent with you and my books here.” Off said while finishing up his burger. “You used to fall asleep a lot, too!” he said which he followed with a laughter.
I laughed with him. We didn’t even realize that we were laughing so hard until I noticed the girl at the next table glaring at us with judging eyes. It took us a while to calm down. “I know,” I answered Off after our laughs subsided. “and the security guard would always come and make you wake me up.”
“Yeah, but I swear I didn’t want to. You looked so peaceful when you sleep and I get it, that was just how you recharge yourself.” Off said, leaning his elbows on the table. Another thing about him is that he’s an observant person. He may have these little eyes but he pretty much sees everything. “Gun?” I heard him call me while waving his hand in front of my face. Somebody got lost in his thoughts again.
I offered him a smile. “What is it?”
“You’re spacing out oddly a lot of times today. You okay?” he asked.
“Of course I am, I’m just thinking about the list.” I plainly answered. That was a lie, of course. If there’s one thing I’m trying to achieve at this very moment, it is to forget about the list, even just for an hour or so. “By the way, can you remember when was the last time we were both here?” I asked Off, attempting to ease the tension I feel inside me. It was actually a rhetorical question, at least for me. I may not have remembered this place at first, but the second I did, all the memories came flashing back, especially the first and the last ones.
Off lowered his head, his elbows still on the table and his palms combing his hair. “Wait, let me think,” he said while slightly knocking the top of his head. “was it the night before our final law exam?” Off asked, now raising his head but then immediately shaking it. “No, wait, I don’t think that’s it.” I took my glass of soda and leaned back on my chair. Watching him like this, thinking hard of what has been, amuses me. I already know that he won’t get the answer right. I am almost sure of that. It’s just funny when he tries. He always does.
Raising my eyebrows, I put down my soda and leaned my elbows, bringing me closer just a few inches from his face. “Are you done?” I mockingly asked him with a smirk. He just stared at me with begging eyes, his lips almost pouting. “Alright, it’s actually the night after our final law exam.” I gently reminded him, emphasizing the word ‘after’.
“What? We went here?” Off asked, his eyes widening.
I gave out a laugh before answering. “Yes. I don’t expect you to remember, though. You were drunk as fuck that night.”
“I was?”
“Yes, Off. You fucking were.” It was a joyous night, five years ago, after our final law exam. That was the last exam that we took and it was the only barrier between us and graduation. I shifted my glance from his eyes to the small building just on the other side of the road. Few years have already passed but it seemed like nothing changed about it. It still had this same rusty exterior, with the same large wooden sign at the top of its door with the name Breeze. “Remember that?” I subtly pointed.
Off turned his head to the right, slightly turning his upper body in the movement. “What the hell, it’s still there?” he exclaimed while leaning his right elbow on the back of his seat.
“Apparently.”
“Wait, I remember.” Off said, turning to face me again. “Did we sober up here?” he asked, squinting his eyes.
“We did, plus, this is where we waited for our grab. You slept, too! I remember the guard back then, he didn’t approach us that night. I guess he just got tired of constantly reprimanding us.” I told Off. We were both laughing again.
“Who would have thought that that would be the last time, Gun?” Off asked. I was a little shocked with the kind of voice that he used, the one that is full of sincerity but with a hint of innocent curiosity.
My laughter suddenly died down, so did Off’s. It’s as if an angel walked past us because all of a sudden there is silence, and it became louder and louder every second that passed. Now that I think of it, I wish we’re just graduating college students again, drunk and carefree, not thinking that a lot of things would change for the next years. But then here we are, all sober, mature and are about to welcome a major chapter in our lives.
I had lots of thoughts that I wanted to tell Off right this very moment, but I could only come up with a few words. “I guess that’s the thing about moments, Off. We can be certain if it’s the first but we never really know if it’s the last. And true enough, we never did.” I mustered up all the courage to form a smile on my lips after letting go of those words. Come to think of it, it really isn’t much of a big deal when two people eat out, more so at an ordinary fast food chain where people just come and go as they please, but then again, the moment is with Off, and nothing is ordinary when it comes to people that you love. It’s clichéd, yes, but never ordinary.
“Perhaps you’re right, Gun.” Off said. “Oh well, I’m just glad my last memory of this place was with you.” He gave me a smile— that smile that made me fall in love with him since day one. It’s the kind that will surely linger in my mind and haunt me in my dreams. But he doesn’t know that, and he probably never will.
Words have been struggling to get out of my mouth since this morning, and if another of this moment meaningful for me but typical for Off will pass, I might just lose it. I simply looked at my watch instead, raising my forearm just enough for me to see the time. “Well, it’s been an hour Off. Let’s cross out everything in that list, shall we?” I told him while slowly standing up.
“Alright.” He nodded at me and followed me on our way out. He took a hold of the list again and read it. He’s probably thinking of what colors of the plate or fit of the tux he’ll choose later. That’s right, Off. I somehow got lost on my role today. Seeing you being enthusiastic again with our agenda today is the only reminder I need.
“Mom… mom… okay I get it.” I heaved up a deep sigh while listening to my mother blabber about the things that I have to prepare for tomorrow. We have already talked about it last night, and here she is again, mentioning everything to me like a broken record. The noise from the guests are getting louder and I can already here the faint playing of the piano. “Everything’s noted, Mom. I’ll call you back later. The wedding’s about to start.” I simply told her and cut the call after hearing her said goodbye. I put my phone back inside my pocket and walked towards Off who’s obviously nervous just by the look in his eyes and his subtle fumbling on his bowtie. “Hey.” I called him.
Off looked at me and I felt his immediate relief. “Thank God you’re back, Gun. What did your mom say?”
“Just her usual reminders. Anyway, don’t mind her for now. Are you okay? You look like you’re gonna shit your pants.” I jokingly said but with a hint of sincerity. He really does look like he’s going to shit his pants.
“Shut up.” He rolled his eyes. “Is my bowtie okay? How about my hair? Does it look neat?” he asked me continuously.
I am so close to laughing hard at his face at the moment, but I’m afraid that it will only make him more anxious than ever, so I just held his right shoulder and looked at him straight in the eye. “Hey, I already told you this earlier. Everything’s gonna be okay. We prepared this, right?” I gently assured him.
Off took a deep breath, raising his shoulders a bit. He gazed at the aisle for a second, probably checking if his soon-to-be-wife is already there, then looked back at me. “I just want this to be perfect for her.”
I squeezed his shoulder before letting go, not minding the pain that is coursing through my veins. “It will, Off.”
“Thank you, Gun. Really.” Off smiled, but put up a worried face right after. “Do you really have to go? I mean, there’s as much opportunity for you here as there is in US.”
I inserted both of my hands on my pocket before answering him. “You know why I have to leave, Off. You know it since we were in first year.”
Off nodded his head repeatedly in response. “Okay, I know, I know. It’s your dream.” He said. And it is. It is my dream. I’ve always told him that before— me being a New Yorker accountant, all glammed up in suits and living in a modernized apartment. An accounting firm in NY offered me a job and I immediately signed myself up. At first I thought I would find it hard to go, but when my mom assured me that she and my sister would visit me from time to time, and also because of what would transpire today, I never found it any easier.
The sound of the piano suddenly filled the four corners of the church, indicating that the bride has already arrived. “Yes, Off. Now, go back there, and get your ass ready to be married.” I smiled at him and playfully pushed him near his side of the aisle. He smiled back at me then immediately composed himself.
Mild looks like an angel sent from the heaven with her mermaid cut, white wedding gown. Laces outlined the upper top of her dress, and sequins were spread uniformly and perfectly at the bottom part. She really is beautiful. Even back when we were in college, boys would always flock at her, and Off wasn’t an exception.
I turned to gaze at Off. Tears are visible at the side of his eyes and it felt like they’re going to drop any minute now. I’ve never seen him this happy. For five years in our college life, he would always tell me about Mild, how he had a huge crush on her and how he planned to be the man worthy of her. I remember feeling a sting of jealousy every time his eyes sparkled when he talked about Mild, and now, here I am— watching the man I loved for ten years, marry the woman he loved for ten years.
I have never fought back tears this hard before. Waves of what ifs are still flooding my mind, but I remember again the conversation I had with him just hours earlier.
“Off?” I called him. I was staring outside the window while he’s busy fixing his bowtie in front of the mirror. “Can I ask you something?”
“Yes, Gun. What is it?”
I let out a sigh before speaking again. “What if I told you I liked you back then? Back when we were in college?”
There, I asked it. Finally. After years of holding back, I finally had the courage to let it out of my system.
I don’t know how but I just felt him stop in his movements and turned to me. “Did you?” he asked.
I turned around and there he was, looking at me like I’m a puzzle he’s trying to solve. “Of course not.” I lied and tried to fake a laugh. “Just trying to make a funny conversation before your wedding.”
“Oh, okay.” He smiled and went back to fixing himself. “Anyways, I would have liked you back.” Upon hearing those words, I felt my throat dried instantly and my heart beat thrice as fast as it did a couple of seconds ago. A scream was already making its way through my throat and then knocked from inside of my mouth, desperate to be let out. “But I wouldn’t have done anything about it.”
It took me a while to compose myself and I was silently wishing from the bottom of my heart that he didn’t get to notice the tension I was feeling. “Can I ask why?”
Off stopped fumbling his bowtie and put both his hands on his pockets. He stared at me through the mirror. “Well, doing something about it means risking losing you, Gun. And I don’t want that. I can’t lose my best friend.”
The voice of the priest pulled me out of my reverie. The ceremony’s already starting. I took one final, longing glance at my friend before he finally becomes someone’s husband, and he must have felt it because he turned his head around and smiled at me. I nodded at him and did the same. He then turned his head back to the altar, and then to Mild, and gave her the sweetest smile.
I wasn’t a great believer of love at first sight. I always thought it was absurd that one can immediately develop feelings upon laying sight on someone, but that wasn’t until Off Jumpol happened. He made me forget the thing I believed in so many years in just a second. I loved him. For ten years, I did, and perhaps I still do. It gives me a sense of relief that in a way, he may have felt the same way too. He may not have loved me that much to go and take a risk, but he did love me enough to be afraid that he would lose me.
In another lifetime, we could have happened. Off could have taken a risk and maybe, just maybe, we could have been the ones getting married now and not him and Mild. But I am in this lifetime— a lifetime where Off becomes a husband and me become a New Yorker accountant.
In a way, we both achieved our dreams, and perhaps, that is enough.