Chapter Text
Coming to the conclusion that her dad had been abusive had not been easy for Maya. She had fought it so hard, pushed Carina away so hard. She was barely sleeping because her mind would not shut off.
The afternoon before the party on the houseboat, she blew up at her again and Carina left, telling her that she needed space. Maya had gone and partied with her friends. Everyone else stayed the night, but she had left at around 2 am, going home and crashing in her bed, not sleeping at all, her mind just running. She missed Carina; she missed her friends; she knew she was starting to spin out, but she didn’t know how to stop and she didn’t have anyone to pull her out of it.
The next morning, she was out for her run to try to shut her brain up when they got the 5-alarm call. She ran to the station, getting ready for a long day. The call was one of the hardest of her time as captain, fearing for the life of her entire team.
When they made it back to the station, she let her team shower first, knowing they all had been in the fire, before she went into the showers herself. She looked at herself in the mirror, trying to keep the tears from running down her face.
She had brought the scissors from her office and slowly, she cut off her long hair. With each cut, she felt like she could breathe a little easier. She realized that since the moment she saw her dad that morning, she hadn’t been able to get a full breath and as soon as the ponytail was in her hand, she took a full breath for the first time in a long time.
She looked at herself in the mirror, touching the tips of her hair before seeing Jack in the doorway. She turned and faced him, apologizing for everything that had happened between them. Jack gave her a hug, sensing that that was what she needed before looking at her.
“Go see your girl,” Jack said, looking down at her.
“I think I might have messed that up,” Maya said, wiping a tear from her eye.
“You’d be surprised how much a simple ‘I’m sorry’ would get you,” Jack said, smiling at her.
Maya nodded, taking her hair and throwing it away before going to shower. She got cleaned up, psyching herself up to go talk to Carina. She was emotionally, physically, and mentally feeling awful, but she push it aside. She pulled on some clothes before drying her hair. She knew that she would need to get a proper hair cut soon because it was so uneven, but right now, all she could think of as making up with Carina.
She jogged to Grey Sloan, glad it was so close. She started walking around outside the hospital, trying to psych herself up. As she walked toward the coffee cart, however, she saw Carina standing there with one of her friends. She took a breath before walking past Carina. She almost just kept going, but stopped and turned around.
“Carina,” she said, looking at her.
“What are you doing here?” Carina asked, “I told you I needed space.”
“I know,” Maya said, taking a deep breath, “And I promise I will leave if you want me to, but I need to say this first. You were right, about everything about my dad. He was…is abusive. You were right and I’m so sorry I pushed you away and yelled and fought. I’m so sorry Carina and…and… I love you Carina. And I’ve never said that to anyone before, except my brother which doesn’t really count. And I am willing to spend every day trying to show you that. I’m sorry.”
“Forgive her,” the woman who Carina was talking to said, “If you love her, forgive her.”
Carina gave her a look before looking back at Maya. She thought for a minute, Maya’s nerves growing by the second and she thought she might pass out.
“You…” Carina started, “Are the most frustrating person I have ever been with, but I love you too Maya Bishop. Come over here and kiss me.”
Maya’s eyes filled up with tears as she walked over and kissed Carina passionately. She felt herself tense a little when Carina ran her hands through her hair, but Carina sensed it and stopped. They pulled apart and before they could say anything, Carina got an emergent page.
“I’ll bring dinner over to your place tonight after work and we can talk?” Carina asked as she turned to go.
“Looking forward to it,” Maya said, smiling as Carina ran toward the ER.
Maya slowly started walking home, taking in everything that had just happened. She then pulled a piece of paper out of her pocket that she had shoved there before leaving the station. She slowly took out her phone, dialing the number on the paper. It was for the therapist that they all saw after Rigo. She made an appointment for the first available opening which was in five days. She blinked the tears out of her eyes as she hung up.
She then started running, taking the long way home because she needed to clear her head. Eventually, she ran home. She intended to shower and change before Carina got there, but the first thing she did was flop down on her bed, all the emotions that she had been stuffing down for at least the past decade suddenly bubbling up. She grabbed one of her pillows and held it tightly as she sobbed. It must have been close to an hour that she just laid in bed crying until she fell asleep.
Carina had a long, but successful shift, getting off around 8 pm. She went by their favorite Chinese place on her way to Maya’s before heading to her girlfriend’s place. She knocked, waited for a minute before trying again.
When there was still no answer, she tried the door, finding it open. She walked in, finding the place dark. She set the food on the counter before heading down the hall to Maya’s room.
She took a deep breath before entering the bedroom. She smiled a little when she opened the door and found Maya sound asleep on the bed, the clothes she was wearing earlier that day still on. She knew that Maya had probably been working for the past 24 hours at least, and Carina knew it had been emotional even though Maya hadn’t told her anything yet. She noticed some puffiness in Maya’s face, a clear indicator that she had been crying.
“Bella,” Carina said, shaking her shoulder, “Hey, Maya.”
Maya groaned, her eyes fluttering open.
“Carina,” Maya said, smiling a little as she saw the OB/GYN sitting on her bed, “Hey. Sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep. I wanted to be cleaned up when you got here.”
“It’s alright,” Carina said, shaking her head, “I know you’ve had a busy few days.”
“Yeah,” Maya said, pushing herself up, “I haven’t been sleeping well for the past week or so.”
Carina nodded, knowing she hadn’t really been sleeping well either. They had spent a few nights together in the past week, and Carina knew Maya had been up every time, tossing and turning. She looked at Maya’s face, noticing she looked pale.
“Bella,” Carina said, reaching out her hand and putting it on her forehead, “Are you feeling alright?”
“I’m fine,” Maya said, taking Carina’s hand off her forehead and holding it.
“You’re really warm,” Carina said, concern filling her face.
“It’s just because I was sleeping,” Maya said, “I’m ok. Come on, let’s go eat and talk.”
Maya took Carina’s hand, walking them into the kitchen.
Truthfully, Maya felt like she had been hit by a truck. Her entire body was sore and her head felt heavy and congested, although part of that could have been due to breakdown she had after she got home. She didn’t want to tell Carina. She had just begged this woman to give her another chance and she wasn’t about to blow it. She wanted to get everything out in the open and try to show Carina that she was really all in.
“I got Chinese,” Carina said as she unloaded the bags while Maya got out plates and silverware and glasses.
“Thanks,” Maya said, smiling at her, “Do you want wine? Or something else?”
“Is that even a question?” Carina said, smiling back.
Maya smiled, taking out a wine glass for Carina and one for water for herself.
“No wine?” Carina asked, slightly confused. Maya almost always drank with her.
“I clearly already can’t hang,” Maya said, shaking her head, “I don’t want to fall asleep again.”
Carina nodded, not totally buying it, but deciding to just let it slide. They dished up their dinner before going to the couch, their preferred eating location.
“So, I just want to say again, I am so sorry,” Maya said, taking a deep breath as she sat down, “I was in such deep denial about my dad and then I just didn’t want to face it so I did what I always do and I pushed it all down and pushed you away. It wasn’t fair to you and I know that it isn’t how a relationship is supposed to work and I’m going to try to do better. I made a therapy appointment for Monday to get some help I don’t know how to do this alone.”
“You won’t be alone,” Carina said, taking Maya’s hand, “I will be here with you. I am really proud of you for taking such a big step. I know it is not easy. And I appreciate the apology. I’m going to be honest with you, it is going to take some work to make this work.”
“I understand,” Maya said, biting her lip and trying not to let the tears that were gathering in her eyes slip out, “And I am willing to do whatever you want me to try to make this work. You name it and I’ll do it.”
“Just do what you need to do to help yourself, Bella,” Carina said, lifting Maya’s chin so she was looking her in the eyes, “Get the help you need, and just be honest with me. I know it’s not easy, and I’m not asking you to be perfect, just try. I am back in therapy after everything that has been happening with my baby brother so just know that I am doing the work too. And talk to me Maya. Don’t shut me out. I know it is not easy for you, and I understand it is going to be a learning process for both of us, but know that I am here for you if you need me to be.”
Maya nodded, tears spilling out of her eyes.
“Oh Bella,” Carina said, pulling Maya into a hug.
Maya just let her hold her for a minute even though every fiber of her being was screaming at her that she should be stronger than this, that she was the one who was royally fucked up and shouldn’t be being comforted right now by the person she had been hurting so badly.
“Sorry,” She said, pulling back a minute later, wiping the tears off her face, “I didn’t mean to do that.”
“Maya,” Carina said, handing her a tissue, “It is ok to cry. It is ok to express your emotions. It’s healthy. Don’t apologize. Besides, it is much better than all the yelling that had been going on lately.”
Maya chuckled a little, wiping her eyes and runny nose with the tissues.
So you really think we are going to be able to make this work?” Maya said, sniffling a little.
“I am willing to try,” Carina said, nodding, “You are the most frustrating person I have ever loved, but I don’t think that is a bad thing. Do you still want to try to make this work?”
“Yes,” Maya said, laughing a little bit, “Yes, of course.”
“Good,” Carina said, leaning over and planting a kiss on Maya’s lips, “Now, are you ready to eat because I didn’t have time for lunch today.”
Maya nodded, grabbing another tissue and wiping her still runny nose. They chatted through dinner, although Carina was holding up more than her half of the conversation. Carina also noticed that Maya was just kinda stirring her food around her plate, not really eating a lot.
“Is something wrong with the food?” Carina asked.
Maya was just kinda staring off into space and didn’t answer Carina.
“Earth to Maya,” Carina said, waving her hand in front of her face.
“What?” Maya said, shaking her head a little, “Sorry. What did you say?”
“What’s going on Bella?” Carina said, turning to face her girlfriend, “I know it has been a long few days, but what is going on in that brilliant brain of yours?”
“Nothing,” Maya said instinctually before backtracking, “I mean, nothing important. I was just thinking about what happened earlier with my dad.”
“How about if I clean up these dishes, you go get into something more comfortable, and we can talk about it?” Carina said, rubbing Maya’s back, “If you want to.”
Maya nodded, getting up and walking slowly to her room. Carina sighed as she cleared the plates. Maya had eaten next to nothing which was not at all like her girlfriend. She went into the bedroom, finding Maya in the bathroom with the door shut. She grabbed a pair of pajamas out of the drawer and changed before Maya came out of the bathroom.
“Are you spending the night?” Maya asked as she climbed into her bed.
“I was planning to,” Carina said, “If that’s ok with you.”
“Yeah,” Maya said, nodding as Carina got into bed too.
“So what happened with your papa?” Carina asked as she looked at Maya.
“He showed up at the station and then followed us to the scene,” Maya said, looking down at her hands, “And he yelled at me and made fun of me and came into the scene and then he grabbed my hair. And the cops had to pulled him off and sent him away, but it was so humiliating. I have never been so humiliated at my job ever. I felt like when I was a kid again.”
“I’m so sorry,” Carina said, pulling Maya into a hug, the reason her girlfriend had cropped her beautiful hair suddenly becoming perfectly clear.
It also told her how Maya came to accept that her father was abusive. Maya just cried for a while, burying her head in Carina’s shoulder. As Maya cried, Carina realized her girlfriend felt like she was burning up. She carefully slipped a hand onto the back of her neck, cringing when she realized Maya was really warm.
As the tears tapered off for the second time that night, Carina moved out of the bed. She went and grabbed Maya a box of tissues and a thermometer. She quickly put the thermometer on Maya’s forehead before she would argue.
“Oh Bella,” Carina said, frowning when she looked down at the thermometer, “102.5. You must be feeling terrible. Why didn’t you say something?”
“I didn’t know it was that high,” Maya said, “I thought most of how I was feeling was just an emotional hangover from today.”
“Do you have any other symptoms?” Carina asked, handing her the box of tissues, “Other than the exhaustion and loss of appetite?”
“I don’t know?” Maya said, earning a look from Carina, “I don’t. I feel really congested, but I have literally been crying on and off all day today. And my head and body hurts, but that could be from crying and from work. We worked a 5 alarm at Pac North and my entire team almost got blown up by a bomb.”
“A bomb?” Carina said, “That must have been terrifying.”
“It was not the best feeling, no,” Maya admitted, “But we’ve been through worse. Just not on my watch I guess.”
“But everyone got out?” Carina asked.
“Yeah,” Maya nodded, “they’re all fine. They put the bomb in an autoclave. They kicked ass, but it was terrifying. And then on top of it, my dad showed up.”
“I’m sorry you had such a rough day,” Carina said, kissing her cheek, “And now I think you have the flu. I can grab you some Motrin and some water. And we can go to the hospital and I can run a test if you want.”
“No,” Maya said, shaking her head, “No, I don’t to go to the hospital. I’ll be fine. I just need to sleep it off. Besides, I have work tomorrow.”
“You are not working with a fever that high,” Carina said, shaking her head.
“I ran my Olympic qualifying race with a fever higher than this,” Maya said, shrugging.
“Ok,” Carina said, “But that was then. This is now. You cannot work when you are this sick.”
“But I always work when I’m sick,” Maya said, almost not understanding what Carina was saying, “What am I supposed to do?”
Carina laughed for a second before realizing Maya was serious.
“You have never taken a sick day?” Carina asked, stunned.
“Being sick is weak,” Maya mumbled, “Gotta embrace the pain.”
“No, no, no,” Carina said, shaking her head, “Being sick is human and normal. Tomorrow, you are going to stay home and I am going to show you how to take a proper sick day.”
“I’ll be fine to work,” Maya said, rubbing her eyes.
“Maya,” Carina said with a sigh, “You cannot work when you are this sick. Not only is it not healthy for you, but you could get everyone else sick. This is part of what was broken when you were growing up.”
“But…” Maya started, but then stopped, “Ok.”
“I want you to text your team tonight,” Carina said, knowing that is she didn’t, Maya would try to make excuses in the morning.
Maya agreed, grabbing her phone. She shot a quick text to everyone, telling them she was sick and was going to be taking a few days off.
Everyone’s response was basically shocked, but told her to feel better. Vic texted her separately, asking if she was alright and if she needed anything. She texted her back, telling her she was fine and being taken care of.
“It’s done,” Maya mumbled, setting her phone down on the nightstand, “I took the next few days off.”
“How does it feel?” Carina asked as she opened her arms to Maya.
“Weird,” Maya said, rubbing her tired eyes as she moved into Carina’s arms, “I don’t take days off. The first time I ever took any time off was when we went away.”
Carina nodded, just holding Maya close. When she came over tonight, she hadn’t totally planned on staying over.
However, she couldn’t leave Maya like this, especially because she didn’t trust her not to go to work the next day.
Maya fell asleep in her arms quickly. It took Carina about a half hour, but eventually, she slipped into sleep too.