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It was a dark night, only one dimmed, old, yellow lamp was glowing in their hall which was so small that it couldn't even been called a hall. They couldn't afford to turn on all the lights. A bottle of the cheapest wine, almost empty, was standing on the small table in their tiny apartment. Steve and Bucky were sitting on the old couch in front of it, they couldn't remember for how long already. They were sitting way closer than normal friends would have, but they never had cared much about personal space in their friendship, so why start now with having it?
Anyways, it was dark and they were more or less drunk (Steve more, Bucky less) and in fact they quite enjoyed having the other one so close to them, the darkness made it a lot more comfortable, somehow safe. The reason why they had started to drink in the first place was because Bucky had had a really bad day, his boss was an asshole and it had been raining all day long and Bucky had just been in a bad mood in general, but now that was all blown away. He had come home to Steve and the second Bucky had entered the flat Steve had instantly known that something wasn't right, he always did. So they decided to open the bottle of wine and here they were.
Steve's hand, wrapped in bandages, was casually lying on Buckys tigh, their knees were touching and Bucky had laid an arm around the back of the couch, his hand slightly touching Steves shoulder. They were still quietly chuckling due to a conversation about the future and their plans, which was a lot funnier to them than it should have been. Bucky stared down at Steves hand, still casually laying there. He suddenly felt the urge to take it. He stopped laughing and tried to bann the stupid thought from his mind. It's not like he never touched Steves hands before, he'd bandaged them more often than he could count.
So often that even Steve had stopped complaining about it.
He'd come home late, all scratched, bloody knuckles and sometimes even bruised. Bucky would just sigh, knowing telling Steve to stop getting into fights wouldn't help at all. (He had tried once and then got into a two hour argument about it) He would tell Steve to 'sit the fuck down', the smaller mans body still full of rage and ready to fight anyone who'd come into his way. He'd clean all the wounds and patch Steve up again, while he'd tell Bucky what happened and why he had to get himself hurt like this again. The Thing is, that Steve always had very good reasons for it so Bucky couldn't even say something. Sometimes he'd talk so fast that Bucky thought his asthma would kick in every second and "Steve, please don't forget to freakin' breathe". Steve also wasn't a crybaby, he never had been and Bucky could exactly see when something hurt so much that Steve winced and tried to hold back his tears. He wanted to tell Steve that he was already brave enough, braver than all of them and didn't have to hold his tears back, he wanted to tell him that it was okay to cry, but somehow he never did. It was a fact he just held to himself. The most ranged was Steve about bandaging his hands tho, and Bucky knew that Steve was proud of his fights, he wanted to show everyone that he could kick ass just as much as bigger guys could, but Bucky still insisted on it because "We don't want those knuckles to get infected, do we?"
Sometimes when they were younger and Steve had got it really bad that day, not even being able to hold back the tears, Bucky would take his hand and put a gentle kiss on Steves knuckles, just as he'd seen Sarah doing it. She always used to say it'll heal faster that way.
But now Steve had stopped complaining about it, Bucky guessed they both just got tired of the same arguments all the time.
Suddenly Steve interrupted his thoughts and Buckys head snatched up to look him in the eyes again.
"Huh?" he asked, trying to think of what Steve just said.
"What ya thinking 'bout, Buck?" He asked, a slight smile on his lips, Bucky was Always getting so thoughtful when he drank.
"Nothin' important", Bucky murmured, hoping that his cheeks wouldn't flush. A slight nodd came from Steve and Bucky saw him nibbling at his bottom lip, he always did when he was thinking about something. Bucky also felt that Steves hand had gotten a lot more tense on Buckys tigh, as if he was about to pull back any second.
"Can I ask you a question?", Steve asked finally, his voice trembling a bit and if someone else would have heard it they wouldn't even have noticed it, but Bucky did. He hated the thick tension that was suddenly between them. "You just did", he answered with one corner of the mouth pulled up.
"Jerk", Steve answered, but the worried tone of his voice was gone.
Steve took a deep breath, in and out as if he had to calm himself down.
"Do you remember that night, in january-"
"Please don't let it be that night, please don't let it be that night. Please-", Bucky thought by himself.
"Three years ago, when-"
Damn it.
"I was freezing and you said-"
"I know", Bucky interrupted him. How could he ever forget that night?
It'd been one of the coldest nights that winter and Steve and him were studying for one of their exams together at Steve's home. It had gotten late already and Sarah Rogers had told Bucky he could stay over the night. (Secretly she'd always been like a mother to Bucky and he was grieving as much as Steve was when she died.) When they were younger they used to do this all the time, building a blanket and pillow cave, being in their own world, but as they got older those sleepovers got more rare. But that night they had talked and talked until after midnight, both just lying in Steve's bed as they always did, it was bigger than it might have seem. But soon he'd begun to shiver more than Bucky had ever imagined it was possible for someone to shiver. Bucky felt pretty cold too but the windows were already closed and there was no oven or something similar. Steve of course didn't say a word, he would rather die than confessing to be not okay and needing help. "Damn it, Stevie", Bucky had sighed softly after a few minutes of watching him and wrapped his arms around Steve, the smaller boys back pressing against his chest. Steve didn't say anything for a long time. At first He was really tense in Bucky's arms but then he was starting to calm down, his breath relaxed and the shivering got a lot better. Bucky was happy he could give his friend some warmth and comfort, himself ignoring the butterflies he felt in his stomach. After a longer time lying like this Steve had almost stopped shivering completely. "Buck?", he asked into the silence. The other boy just let out a deep and tired "Hmm?"
Steve hesitated a few seconds before continueing, Buckys mouth was so close to the back of his neck that he could feel every breath and word on it, the deep sound causing goosebumps down his spine. "You know, you go out with girls a lot...and I just don't get, why- why you still hang around with me. You could be having so much fun enjoying your time with them, gettin a girl and later marrying her, having a nice house. But instead you're wastin your time with someone like me in this small flat and I know you don't need me, Bucky, you don't hafta stay just 'cause you feel sorry for me. I just want you to be happy, ya know" Steve's heart was pouding hard in his chest, Bucky could feel it on his palm.
Steve's words made him speechless for a few seconds. How could he ever possibly think that? Steve was literally the most important person in his life, Bucky would die for him in a second if he needed to and Steve just asked him if he was just around him because he felt sorry?? He was about to tell him, he was about to say "I love you, you stupid Punk, I fucking love you more than anythin" but he knew he couldn't.
"You don't have to say anything, it's okay", Steve said quietly, but Bucky could clearly hear the disappointment in his voice. Bucky still couldn't put his thoughts into words when he suddenly heard himself say sleepily "Don't ya worry bout them, Stevie. I'd rather "waste" all my time with you. I don't feel sorry for you and I also don't think you couldn't live without me. I was always looking up to you and always will. Ya got me? Cause I'm beaing deadass serious, I need you more than you need me."
Bucky could feel Steve's heart pounding even faster in his chest but he didn't say anything anymore. Bucky didn't know how long Steve was lying awake but he soon fell asleep, his hands still wrapped tight around his friend. He was pretty sure Sarah had checked on them in the morning before she left for work, she must've seen them lying like this, but she never said a word about it.
After that night Steve's words haunted Bucky and he couldn't help but just think about it all the time. Think about how he was kissing girls on their red painted lips while fantasizing about how he could kiss his best friend like that. Thinking about how close they would be late at night and Steve's voice when he was almost whispering, talking so softly. Thinking about how Steve's eyes started to shine when he finished a drawing he liked or how his eyes were fixed on Bucky when he was sketching him. About how desperate he was, how wrong all this was and how it almost killed him inside.
So how could Bucky possibly EVER forget that night?
He swallowed hard, Steve was gazing at him, a confused look on his face cause he got interrupted like that. "Yes, I know, I remember", Bucky whispered finally. He reached over at the table to take another big sip of the wine, just trying to avoid eye contact. Steve watched Bucky quietly, his mouth half open, waiting to go on with the conversation.
When Bucky let the bottle sink down Steve could see a slight pink flush on his cheeks, he blamed it on the alcohol.
Bucky forced a smile and asked as calm as possible "Why do you bring it up now?"
"Just came to my mind", Steve answered while what he actually meant was: It never left my mind, not a single day.
"Oh", Bucky said, still avoiding to look into Steve's eyes as if Steve could read all his thoughts just with one look.
"What did you mean back then?" Steves voice was breaking by the end of the question, he was still looking directly at Bucky. Finally he just had to look up, those deep blue eyes fixed on him. Their eyes met and Bucky could see a kind of doubt, as if Steve was unsure and scared of Bucky's answer. He licked his lips, carefully thinking about what to say.
"What did I mean by what?" Bucky asked quietly, he needed Steve to say it, he needed to be sure.
Their eyes were still fixed on each other but Steve pulled away his hand from Bucky's tigh, leaving a spot of missing warmth there. "You said I didn't need to worry about the girls, you'd rather...be with me."
There it was. Bucky looked down at Steve's hands again, soft, beautiful artist's hands.
"Look at me, Buck. Please"
Bucky could feel his heart pounding hard and his hands began to shiver.
He looked up. Turned his mind off.
He leaned over, his shivering hand taking Steve's. He didn't pull away.
Steve turned around, his torso now fully opposite to Bucky. Their faces were only a few centimetres apart. Too close and at the same time not close enough.
Bucky's jaw was clenched, his eyes slowly wandering down Steve's face to his lips.
It felt like years, but it were only a few seconds before Steve finally leaned in. Bucky closed his eyes, he could feel Steve's lips, sweet and soft. They were kissing so carefully, as if what they had could break any second. Bucky felt the alcohol burning in his gut and his heart almost exploding. After only a few seconds they pulled away, cheeks flushed and pupils wide. Steve opened his mouth to say something.
"Steve...shut up"
And for once in his life Steve did. Bucky crawled closer to him. He brought their lips together again, his hand wandering into Steve's neck, leaning himself on the other one he's placed on the couch besides Steve. He tried to show all his feelings with just that one kiss, the desperation, the wanting and needing, the affection, the love. They were moving together, Steve pulling Bucky even closer to him. Overwhelmed by his feelings Steve almost forgot to breathe, he cracked up laughing and hid his face in the crook of Bucky's neck. "What's so funny?", Bucky asked confused but with an idiotic smile on his lips. "Nothin, I just think I'm waking up every second", Steve sighed, still smiling into the crook of his neck.
"Me too"
He ruffled a hand in Steve's hair, feeling the softness of the blonde strains. They sat like that for a few minutes, just enjoying the feeling of holding each other, Steve's forhead leaning on Bucky's shoulder.
After drinking the rest of the bottle they started laughing again. Bucky had this cute crinkle in his nose when he laughed, it made Steve go crazy. After a while they both got very tired and "Ya know we could just sleep here"
Curled up on the couch, Steve (now drunk and sleepily) put gentle kisses on Bucky's neck and jaw, not thinking about tomorrow or any other day. Just them in this exact moment Holding each other, loving each other. "To answer your question", Bucky started, still drawing circles with two fingers on Steve's back. He had slipped his hand under Steve's flannel just feeling skin to skin. He was going Steve's spine up and down trying to remember how it felt. "I meant..." He had to stop, overwhelmed by the feeling of Steve's lips on his neck.
"-that I love you, Stevie. More than I've ever loved anyone."
Steve stopped aprubtly. He'd imagined hearing those words from Bucky so often already. Hearing them now made his whole body go warm and tingly.
"I love you too, I think I always have", he whispered pressing a slight kiss to Buckys jaw.
They didn't do this because of the alcohol, they wouldn't regret ist the next day, nothing of it.