Chapter Text
Eva was fierce. She was strong and proud and determined. Even as a baby she was making her own rules, always leaving everyone else to follow along. She was talented. She was smart. She was pretty in a way that exuded confidence and drew attention. And Max really did adore all of that about her. Admired it in a quiet way because she was everything he thought he might want to be.
Max decided the worst thing about Eva was being her twin brother. Decided it when he was young and still accepting her insistence that she was the older sibling. Back when he let her drag him into all her games and mischief. Trussed him up in bright dresses, plastic jewelry, and cheap lipstick. And he was always curious. Always wanting to be a little more like Eva.
Because Eva could be anything.
Eva could be a princess, swirling around the living room- graceful as the women on the TV. Pink and sparkly. She could style her hair into spikes the next day; lips and nails painted black- dark eyes daring anyone to protest. She could be a comic book fanatic, or a couch potato, or the top grade in their calculus class. She could be a tomboy when she wanted. No one batted an eye when she walked out the door, hair tucked into a hat, face bare, and clothes loose. More boyish than even Max felt.
And it was fine.
Max wondered what that freedom would have felt like. To just be whatever he wanted. But just the thoughts, silent in his head, felt like a hard hand gripping the scruff of his neck a little too hard.
"One of these days you're going to have to learn to act like a man, Max."
Meg was in Eva's room. Max could hear their voices, indistinguishable over the music they were playing, but there was laughter. His door was open, his phone was buzzing because Chris was trying to convince him to get online and game, Eva had a date tonight.
It was an older boy, from college. His name was Andrew. She'd met him at the bookstore she worked at. Apparently he was smart, which was something she couldn't say about any of the boys in her grade. Max was decidedly unbothered by the comment only because it had been enough to offend Chris- which was entertainment in its purest form.
She looked beautiful when she came out of her room, rushing past Max's door in a flutter of vibrant floral and heavy perfume. And he moved into the doorway to complain, if only because he was tired of the homework he hadn't been doing. Her dress was summery, modest, and soft. Her jean jacket cropped and boots lacy. She did a twirl for Max that made her little purse jingle.
"What do you think, Maxie?" She asked. Meg had done her makeup. Eva never really had the patience to do anything complicated. Her face had always been clear enough on its own that she never needed more than a splash of mascara or lipstick to look dolled up. Now she had a masterful smoky eye and pinked cheeks. Innocent looking in a way that made Max want to laugh. She was anything but. But she was lovely.
"You look like a clown," he told her.
"A cute clown," Eva chirped back, lips quirked in amusement.
"Sure," Max agreed blandly.
"Don't insult my masterpiece," Meg ordered from inside Eva's room and Eva was laughing.
"Max wouldn't dare." She winked at Max. Turned away for the stairs. "Thanks, Meg! I'll come over after!"
"I won't wait up," Meg said but it was lost to the clatter of Eva's boots on the steps. The sweet smell of perfume lingering in her absence. Max peeked into the bedroom where Meg was replacing everything into her large makeup chest.
Meg had been Eva's friend since preschool. Max figured that they had been drawn together by their similarities. Meg was as intense as Eva, but more aggressive in the way she commanded her life. Forced everyone to go accept her with harsh looks and cutting sarcasm. Her hair a mass of thick brown curls twisted atop her head, clothing lazy but clean. Messy but tidy.
Max liked her. Remembered spending weeks following her and Eva around the neighbourhood because he was too obnoxious to make his own friends until he met Chris. He still sat in with them when they hung out sometimes, but not nearly as pathetically as he had when he was a younger.
"You have way too much of that stuff," Max said with a nod to her makeup toolbox and she arched a sharp brow at him.
"I have just enough," Meg corrected. "And you're not allowed to comment until you're civilized enough to know what foundation is for."
And Max knew about foundation. About most of it. Watched too many tutorials to not know but he would never admit it aloud.
"Whatever," Max rolled his eyes, lingered in the doorway before moving in and collapsing into Eva's desk chair. Couldn't really say why. Maybe he was curious again. Maybe he didn't want to do his homework. Meg watched from her perch on the bed; stopped putting her things away to smirk at him.
"Would you like me to pretty you up, too?" She teased, and he considered just saying yes. Wondered if it would feel any different from the cheap kids' stuff Eva used to put on him.
"Trying to civilize me?" He retorted instead, forced his fidgeting fingers flat on his thighs.
"Maybe I'm just sick of your ugly mug," Meg taunted, picked up a brush to point at him with exaggerated movements. "You could really use a little touch up."
"Tell me more," Max deadpanned, and she laughed.
"I could cover that bruise," Meg told him, and his fingers involuntarily brushed the greening mark on his cheek. A clumsy fight at lunch hour last week.
"But it's so colourful," Max said. "Doubt your concealer is that good, anyway."
"That a challenge?" Meg asked, and Max shrugged, silently scooted his chair closer. Wondered what she would do to him. If she would do anything. He hoped she would but he couldn't ask. He felt a little fluttery. The back of his neck heating. She laughed, but not at him he thought. "Okay then."
"Make me beautiful," he told her, smirking a little to inject humour into his voice, but mostly feeling wrung out. He hadn't touched a makeup brush since he was seven and Eva had painted him up. His dad had made sure of it. But his father wasn't here anymore. No one was but Meg. He felt a little daring.
"Pay attention," Meg ordered. Started unpacking her things. "I'm quizzing you after."
_
Max always looked more like Eva than he did like his older brother, Bastien. Only slightly taller than her but just as slim. Same wide brown eyes. Same fine black hair in nearly the same cut- but hers was called a pixie and his was called unruly- lazy. High cheekbones and plump lips. When they were little they could pass as each other. Now she'd softened and curved where he'd gotten tougher. Scarred and a little rough.
Meg could make him look just like Eva again. It stunned him, the first time he saw it in the mirror. He wasn't sure how he felt about it. Her face on his body. Her face on him felt wrong when he was such an idiot. A coward. He let Meg do it a few more times after that. Wondered if the more often it happened, he might get more comfortable. Maybe feel a bit more like her. Fearless.
He liked it more when Meg made him look like someone else. Someone soft and vaguely unfamiliar. His own features made gentler. Eyes wider and skin unblemished. He liked that face more. Kept the makeup on a little longer while they sat around his room or Meg's.
And it was a bit weird to start hanging out with Meg without Eva. But not uncomfortable. He'd known her too long. She said she could use someone to practise on and he said he had nothing better to do. She didn't need to be told that he'd rather keep their little makeup sessions between the two of them. He hadn't even told Chris. Even when Chris wondered why Meg had been texting him more.
Meg came to his room while Eva was out with her other friends. School friends, dance league friends, boyfriends. And Max hung out with Meg.
And he did her makeup sometimes. Let her mock him the whole time, telling him he'd face hell if he made her look like shit. And the first time he did, so she made him wear fake eyelashes. Which really was hell. But the second time wasn't bad and she left it on even when she left. The third time was better.
"Keep that up and I just might think you're learning," Meg said, tilting her face to peer into the mirror. He was keeping it simple- unwilling to follow the more complex tutorials he'd seen when his hand was still unsteady. Awkward. Not quite ready to tell Meg he watched makeup tutorials at all.
"Don't get your hopes up," Max deadpanned.
_
Eva flourished in school. Max didn't. He was medicated, but sometimes the pills just didn't quite control the ADHD. A learning difficulty here and an overactive imagination there. Sometimes he didn't understand even when he paid attention, empty words floating past his ears, and sometimes he'd be able to understand if he could just pay attention.
He spent a couple days completely lost in his head, leg bouncing at rapid speed under his desk. Meg recommended he buy his own makeup, so he didn't always have to use her shades. His complexion was so much darker than her own, after all. And he liked the idea more than he wanted to admit but wasn't sure how to go about it. Wasn't sure he wanted to be caught buying makeup.
He wondered what Jake would say if he ever found out.
"Why do you have to be such a freak?"
He spent at a ridiculous yellow picnic table, because the weather was nice, and because Chris was there. He copied Chris' math homework into his own notebook while Chris watched and ate a sandwich. It was warm out. Sunny and bright and he could see Meg eating lunch with her friend Brook under a tree. Eva and her group of friends were spread over the bleachers, voices loud enough to drift over.
Chris was quite a bit taller than Max, heavily freckled, and his hair was a very light blond. Chris was one of Max's favourite people. Kind and easy. Funny and smart. They'd met in fourth grade and had bonded over Pokémon cards. Had joined soccer together after kicking the ball around Max's backyard for a couple years. Had sort of kissed in eighth grade but that had been purely scientific; the results being that Max was very gay and Chris was very not.
Chris watched him work with a quizzical look. "You've been really squirmy lately. What's up?"
"Going to dad's this next weekend," Max muttered, and it wasn't a lie really. Enough that he didn't have to explain that he was working himself up about everyone finding out how much of a freak he was. Not a conversation for school. Not really a conversation to be had.
Chris winced in sympathy because he was a good friend.
"You could hide out at my place again," Chris offered, and Max pursed his lips unhappily.
"Dad threw a hissy fit last time I skipped his weekend," Max complained. He complained often because it made no sense why his dad had wanted shared custody after the divorce. Even though Max was the cause of the divorce. Max threw his pencil down because he could barely read what he was copying down anyway. "I don't know why he cares. Not like actually he wants me there."
"Tell him to go fuck himself," Chris said. Not for the first time, and Max laughed, allowed himself to imagine it. Had too stop because he could also imagine a harsh hand at the back of his neck. A painful squeeze.
"Why can't you just behave?"
Jake and Sean sat with them for lunch. Sometimes Jonah and Remy would too, but not today. They were all on the same soccer team and sometimes that meant they were friends.
Sean was the tallest of them, skinny with cropped hair and dimples on his cheeks. Jake was a tiny bit shorter than Chris and broader than the rest of them, with thick arms and a long undercut. Max had known Jake the longest, since primary, but he hadn't become friends with him until Sean and Chris had become friends in seventh grade. And even then, Max knew friends was too strong of a word to describe his relationship with Jake. He liked to fuck with Max. Get him mad enough he started throwing punches. Jake liked to see him snap. Max just liked to play soccer.
"Hey, losers," Chris greeted as they sat down. Max didn't bother more than a small nod.
"You wound me, Christopher," Sean grinned.
"You say that like I care," Chris taunted, and Sean laughed. Jake leaned across the table to show Chris something on his phone that made Chris laugh really loud. Jake didn't look at Max and Max was okay with that today. "Same."
"Yeah," Jake snickered. "Thought you'd like that."
They talked a bit more and Max let himself drift off in thought because he didn't feel particularly included. He wondered where one would go to buy makeup. He wondered if it was worth the risk going to the local mall or if he should drive to the next town over to avoid being recognized. He didn't really react to anything around him until Chris was grabbing his shoulder and giving him a shake.
"What?" Max blinked at his friend and Chris frowned at him.
"What is up with you?" Chris asked, and Max shrugged.
"Tired maybe." His knee bounced rapid speed under the picnic table.
"Stay up past your bedtime?" Sean teased, and Max rolled his eyes.
"Eva was up late. Some project she forgot to do until last night. I think it was close to two before she was done." Max wasn't lying about that and he was still annoyed by her inability to work without blasting Demi Lovato. "Pain in my fucking ass."
"Don't talk about my future wife like that," Sean scolded playfully, and Max flipped him off.
"You can marry her when you can manage to say more than two words to her," Jake said, pulling his food out of his bag, and Chris laughed.
"Love doesn't have a spoken language," Sean retorted with a suggestive wiggle of his brows.
"Try telling her that," Chris snickered.
"I'll tell her in the language of love," Sean drawled.
"She would end you," Max told him, not particularly comfortable with the direction of the conversation. It was never comfortable to hear how they talked about his sister. "Painfully."
"I'd let her," Sean said. "She's like an angel."
"She's still dating that college guy, isn't she?" Chris asked, and Max nodded helpfully.
"Lame," Sean sighed, propped an elbow on the table and rested his chin in his palm. Smirked at Max. "Too bad you weren't identical. Could you imagine two Eva's?"
"What a nightmare," Max mumbled. The back of his neck got hot.
"Dream come true," Sean corrected.
"Just date Max," Jake said, cold eyes meeting Max's. "Slap a dress on him and he's pretty much a girl anyway."
Max felt his stomach drop. Palm started sweating. "Fuck you, Jake."
"My bad," Jake said insincerely. "Thought you were into that stuff."
"Quit being an asshole," Chris said, still smiling. "Max is way too butch to pull of a dress. Have you seen his arms?"
Max rolled his eyes, smacking Chris' groping hands away from his biceps.
"Max isn't really my type," Sean was saying anyway. "Think I'd still prefer the real deal."
"You're a creep," Max told. "Now stop talking about my sister before I have to kick your ass."
Jake snorted derisively at Max's statement, but Sean held his hands up in mock surrender. Max turned away from them, annoyed. Watched Eva talk, everyone paying her attention.
_
Max got home from the mall and blessedly no one but Bastien was home. But Bastien was locked away in his own room working on college assignments. Unproblematic. Max rushed to his room, letting his black hood fall back from his head but still feeling like a criminal as he carted the bag of newly purchased makeup product.
Bastien wouldn't bother him and Eva and his mom wouldn't be back until after dinner. Max still closed the door behind himself, pushed his chair in front of it to be safe. Still waited several minutes before he carefully took out all the new bottles and brushes and tubes and placed them on his desk. They looked out of place with the clutter of his school work.
It was weird doing his makeup alone, without Meg sitting by or doing it for him. Felt like he was breaking more and more rules. Sitting on the floor in front the mirror that was his closet door. But it was freeing somehow. He felt giddy as he pinned his bangs back to get better access to his face, like Meg did.
And he didn't look like Eva. But he was pretty and soft. Pink lips and big eyes. Stared at his reflection for a while. It felt a bit like a victory. He considered sending a picture to Meg but decided against it in case she happened to be with Eva. Eva hadn't specified which girls she would be hanging out with today.
Max left his room a couple hours later to wash his face in the bathroom, not really wanting to push his luck. Peeked into the hall before he stepped out. And stopped at Eva's door. And her room was a mess that smelled soft and clean, because she'd done her laundry that morning and hung all her clothes to dry around her room. And the pretty floral dress she'd worn for her date with Andrew hung innocently on her door. Fluttered when Max walked by and he stopped.
He had the dress in his hand when he went back to his room. It was soft and flowy. Felt wrong to be holding it. Cautiously held it up to his face to see how it looked next to his lipstick. Tried not to feel ridiculous. Like a freak. Tried to ignore the rough memory gripping his cheeks.
"What the hell have you got on your face? Take that off."
The dress fit different than it did on Eva. Loose on his chest where he couldn't fill it. It went right past his collarbones without any show of chest. Made his waist look small where it was tight before it fanned out at his hips. It ended mid thigh. Felt weird brushing his legs. He ran his fingers through his hair so it fell flatter over his forehead.
He wasn't quite Eva but he was pretty.
A text from Chris asking if he wanted to get online killed the vibe a little. And Max took the dress off. Washed off his face and mussed his hair. Tucked the dress carefully under his bed so no one could see it. Figured Eva wouldn't notice. She had more than enough dresses.
_
Except she did notice a few days later, calling out to their mom to ask if she'd seen it. But no one had seen it and Max didn't fess up. Didn't feel particularly guilty hiding it under his bed. Decided not to tell Meg he'd taken it because it was Meg Eva was complaining to about the dress. He wasn't sure if Meg would make him give it back.
Max put on the dress a few more times before he stole a bra from Eva. Tried not to feel like a weirdo when he snuck into his sister's room to steal it. A simple blue one with little white dots on it. He was glad Eva was so damn flat because he didn't really have to stuff much in the bra to look normal. And later still, he decided to shave his legs and under arms. They were ruining the vibe.
Regretted it in gym class the next day when Chris blinked at his legs. When he met Max's gaze he seemed to decide not to ask, grinned instead.
"Hot."
"Damn right," Max muttered quietly, and Chris laughed. Because he was a good friend and he didn't care if Max was a weirdo sometimes.
Jake didn't laugh. Glared at Max when they were standing around ignoring the teacher's instructions. Sean said he would mistake them for girl's legs if they weren't attached to Max.
"Maybe you should put on that dress," Sean teased, and Max flushed.
"Don't be such a fucking fag, Sean," Jake grunted, shoving Sean down. Gave Max a disgusted look and Max twitched.
"Mad that I could pull it off?" Max snapped, and Jake grimaced. A couple other kids laughed because volume control wasn't Max's strong suit.
"Careful Max, you queer is showing," another boy muttered behind him, setting off another rattle of snickers.
Max got to leave early for shoving some kid over. Felt heated and uncomfortable with the laughter and muttering that followed him to the locker room. Got to stew over it in lunch detention.
_
Max went out that weekend, after he got back early from his dad's. To the mall in the next town over. He felt awkward. Sat in the car and checked his makeup three times over before he got out. And he'd barrowed a pair of Meg's ankle boots and nicked Eva's jean jacket to go with the floral dress. Felt like he might fall over when he finally decided to get out of the car.
He felt exposed as he walked through the mall. Kept repeating to himself that no one was watching him and wondered if he should have asked Meg or Chris to come with him. But it felt like too much to say out loud. Come with me while I try out being a girl?
He didn't want to be a girl, really. He was pretty sure anyway. But he didn't just want to be a boy, either. Wanted the pretty shit. Wanted to make himself up. Liked the colours and the freedom to just be. Wanted to be someone somewhere between the person his dad wanted him to be and the person Eva was.
At the mall, no one cared about Max. No one stared at him and no one stopped to tell him he was acting out of line. He walked from shop to shop, browsing without much interest in buying. Smiling more than what was probably warranted. But it was nice. It was thrilling. The dress soft and fluttery against his smooth legs.
Max decided there were worse things he could be doing with his time.