Work Text:
Welcome to STARCROSSED SUBURBIA. Get ready to set off on an adventure in love, lust, friendship, and rivalry. This small town isn’t quite what it seems, and you, an undercover agent studying the supernatural, are here to get to the bottom of— [SKIPPED]
Meet the starting cast! Click each icon to read the bios of the four starting characters, then select your favorite to receive +50 STARTING AFFINITY. All of these characters will still be available for friendship, romance or—[SKIPPED]
- Turquoise
- This spunky, creative genius seems like a dream come true, but she could be hiding an extraordinary (and lethal) secret. Yo—[SKIPPED]
- James
- Part boy-next-door, part boytoy, he’s sure to be totally devoted to you, as long as you can keep his attention. But get too close, and you mi—[SKIPPED]
- Daisy
- Could a true supernatural ever be this obvious? Someone is clearly dabbling in the dark arts, but this charming beauty would surely never—[SKIPPED]
- Blaine
- The epitome of cool, you just know this bad boy is all kinds of emotionally available…probably. Yet no one is more dangerous than—
You have selected Blaine. Is this corre—
You received +50 affinity with Blaine.
“Can I borrow your iPad?” Karkat asks one evening, slouched against the door to the “study” – your former bedroom, turned impromptu art and recording studio slash whatever-the-fuck-else after you started sleeping in Karkat’s room instead.
“Yeah dude. It’s under the bed.” Karkat doesn’t even question why, just kneels down and roots around for it.
He hesitates in the doorway before leaving, blowing dust out of the charger port. “I’m gonna download a game on it.”
You divert your attention from the eye-searing monstrosity you’re crafting in Paint to nod in Karkat’s direction. “Word. If you need to clear up space you can uninstall anything on there, I haven’t used it in a while.” You say. He smiles, you melt a little, he turns and heads down the hall.
That’s how it begins, from your perspective. That’s where you screw up.
“Dude, who’s the hottie?”
Karkat flips the screen over immediately, scowling up at you from between his own knees, which are propped up on the couch in front of him. He’s wedged himself into the cushions in a way that can’t be healthy, and you make a mental note to work on some of the permanent knots in his neck and shoulders later.
“Aw babe what the fuck.” You chuckle. “You playin’ a porn game?”
Karkat wiggles his way into something more closely related to a traditional sitting position. “No, it isn’t a porn game. It is a highly sophisticated simulation with role-playing elements and multiple, intertwining storylines with choice-based elements that not only drive the story to many possible conclusions, but influence your character’s relationship with the game’s cast in myriad complex ways.”
“Ohhh.” You intone. “It’s a dating game.”
Karkat just sighs at you, propping the iPad back up in his lap, but angling it away so you can’t make out what he’s doing. “I don’t expect you to understand or appreciate a game like this. It doesn’t even have a scoring system.” He mocks.
“I bet it has some type of ‘scoring’ system.”
He narrows his ruby-red eyes at you scornfully, and you wiggle your eyebrows in response.
“Nah but, I’m clearly somewhat interested, ain’t I? Who’s the hottie?”
Karkat jabs his finger into the iPad screen with far more force than necessary. “You really want to know?” You’ve come to recognize the tiny hint of eagerness beneath all the indignant sass. You nod.
“That’s Sabre. He’s just a shitty Blaine copycat. All the second act characters are just repeats of the first with slightly worse personalities, never mind what Nepeta or Jade think.”
“They play it too?”
“Yeah, but.” Karkat smirks, your own lips twitching involuntarily at the sight. “I’m way further along in most of the storylines. Jade can’t pick up on the subtext, and Nepeta’s always trying to be friends with everybody, which doesn’t work. You gotta go the caliginous path first to unlock the flush options later. It is far more realistic and satisfying than just going around and being nice to everyone.”
You hum at that, then replay what he just said. “Wait, the game has troll romance in it? For real?”
Karkat grins, pokes hurriedly at the screen and turns it in your direction. “This is textbook black flirting—see?”
The screen looks like a typical visual novel, except with a bunch of extra icons and menus at the top. There’s a douchey, vaguely anime-looking dude with bulging muscles and a ludicrous outfit in the center.
Sabre
I’m tired of you making me wait for an answer. I’ve shown you far more patience than you deserve—make your decision, and make a wise one—if you’re capable of it. If you can’t do what you’re told, you really are as useless as I suspect.
You groan a little, and nudge the screen back toward Karkat. “Just sounds like an asshole being an asshole to me. You like that guy?”
Karkat huffs at you. “No, I told you, Sabre is garbage. Blaine is superior in every way, but you’ve got to raise Sabre’s affinity to combat Bonny’s mind-control with his weird powers.”
“Mhm. So Blaine’s your guy? Show me that one then.”
You already know the answer when you see Karkat’s cheeks puff up. “N-nah. I’ve bored you enough with this. I’m done playing for now anyway.”
You pout a little, but let Karkat change the subject, then promptly forget the game altogether in the next couple days.
This is your second mistake.
It’s 3 AM and you wake up alone.
This is not an immediate cause for panic. You are a needy, dependent fuck, but you don’t freak whenever Karkat needs to take a leak.
When he’s not back after 15 minutes, though, you get up to check on him.
The light in the study is on. Karkat isn’t great at sleep, so you figure it’s another bout of insomnia—and creak the door open quietly, trying not to startle him.
He’s on the iPad, with a notebook open beside him. He looks horrified, and you’re about to ask what’s wrong, when you hear a low, melodic voice coming from the tablet—
“—there’s not much time, but I have to tell you. Sweetheart, I wish you had never met me, that you could live your life without knowing any of this. I should have stayed away, but it’s like you’re a big juicy flower and I’m a dumbass bee, all trying to get my pollinating on, total—”
Karkat mutes the iPad with a pained expression, and immediately starts sputtering.
“It’s the game, you have to answer some of the calls to get the best ending and it’s only just this one that comes so late. I haven’t been doing this secretly every night or anything. That probably makes you think I have been sneaking up and doing this but I haven’t.”
You don’t say anything, and Karkat’s face flushes deeply. “I really haven’t.” He chokes out meekly. He’s all wide-eyed and leaning away from you, which you don’t like at all. You’re too bone tired to parse this weird asshole-rumpus-nonsense.
“Dude, just get in the bed.”
Sweetestbro69 started the thread blaine data dump?
Sweetestbro69 just joined, be sure to welcome them!
hey can anyone tell me if there’s somewhere with all of blaine’s lines and choices and outfits, like everything this fool says or does in the game. thanks
daisyboocanon: hi sweetestbro! welcome to the forums. be sure to put a tag on your post, instructions are on the sidebar. i don’t know about anything that detailed out there—you can see most of his outfits on the wiki, but the event updates are pretty regular so it might not be up to date.
sabrekat22: welcome bro. nah there’s nothing like that out there but you can unlock everything in about 8 playthroughs. there are guides for each of blaine’s endings in the blaine section of the forum. good luck!
hartsonfire: lmao blaine suuuucks dude go for like literally anyone else
Karkat’s mortification is short-lived because he’s on the iPad the very next day, with his husktop and notebook nearby. You just kind of sigh and shuffle past the couch toward the kitchen, but stop dead in your tracks when you see Karkat’s desktop wallpaper.
What had been a picture of the two of you at Rose’s wedding has been replaced with a drawing of a guy you have never seen yet somehow immediately know.
It’s Blaine.
And that’s Jade’s artstyle.
TG: hey
GG: hi dave!! i've been wondering when i'd hear from you
TG: uh oh is this some psychic shenanigans
TG: have you been psychically spying on me like a pervy miss cleo
TG: have you seen my death jade
TG: if you've seen my death you legally have to tell me how to thwart it it's the bro code
GG: hmm i will be sure to let you know if i have any visions of your death
GG: but i sincerely hope that does not happen!
TG: nah no worries i will never die
TG: but anyway i had a quick q
GG: okay, shoot!
TG: you know about this game karkat is so into
GG: starcrossed suburbia, yeah! he's so good at it, i'm super jealous. i can't get daisy to give me the time of day.
TG: yeah well no surprise this is right up his alley
TG: like a stray cat with a particularly choice fish skeleton looking for somewhere to chow down and chill before doing that halloween back arching thing at the slightest noise
TG: but like
TG: he's really into it
TG: maybe too into it
GG: oh no, is he addicted or something? we've been talking about it a lot but i didn't think he was playing it in an unhealthy way or anything :(
TG: no i don't think it's anything serious
TG: i think maybe i just don't really get this kind of stuff which has made me act like an insecure idiot before
TG: i guess i don't really know how far is too far y'know?
GG: sure, i guess so. but you spend a lot of time with your comics and music and stuff too, right?
TG: yeah
TG: but those don't have hunky dudes calling me up at all kinds of inappropriate times of night
It all comes to a head one Friday night at dinner.
You’re laying down some fresh rhymes over reheated chicken parm when the iPad (always close at hand, it seems) chimes obnoxiously, and Karkat lights up like a goddamn neon sign, smiling close-lipped and satisfied like he’s just been handed the last award he needed for a well-deserved EGOT.
He grabs the tablet and swipes it open, and there’s Blaine in fully rendered 3D animation, celebrating the defeat of something-or-other, and professing his undying love and gratitude to Karkat, whose bravery was key to this victory.
You sit there dumbfounded, trying to get ahold of your emotions because it’s just a game and that’s just a game boyfriend and Karkat is allowed to have fun in ways you don’t quite comprehend, until the dulcet voice shifts from talking to rapping, and rapping well.
Karkat is enraptured and thus totally thrown off guard when you calmly pick the tablet up, toss it across the room, and kiss him very solidly on the lips.
“Man.” You groan heavily, tossing the iPad to the side and cuddling up to Karkat instead. “I don’t get it. All of these characters are total egotistical jerks.”
“Yes.” Karkat replies. He’s still a little miffed, but he got the screaming out of his system.
“And you like that?”
Maybe he’s got a little screaming left in him after all, you think, because he blows up like a balloon, but the air fizzes out in a half-hearted growl. “We do not need—does it still bother you, the concept of troll romance? Enough to make you jealous of a video game? It’s a little harmless escapism, Dave.”
“I know.” You frown, and toy with the cover of the tablet. “I know, but like, that dude is just—he’s uh.”
“Like you.”
“Yes!” You shout, then wince. “I mean, maybe. Kind of.”
Karkat rolls his eyes. “Of course he is, moron. Why do you think I liked him so much?”
“But you’ve got the real deal right here, minus the shitty attitude! Usually.”
“And I’m grateful as fuck for that!” Karkat rubs a hand down his face, and your stomach sinks with guilt at the beleaguered expression he gives you. “Look, I am not going to repeat the same old reassurances about how I don’t give a solitary, microscopic fuck about quadrants for us. Shouldn’t you be glad that I’m so horn-blisteringly besotted with you I would choose you in a fictional world? That I’d choose you over James? If anything, you ought to feel disgusted with me for being so obsessively needy I get off on whatever reminds me of you, like I can’t get enough in the real fucking world.”
You skip a beat, letting all of that soothe your rustled feathers and sink into your bones, bolstering your fragile ego.
“Wait, what’s so great about James?”
CG: GUESS WHO FINALLY GOT THE BEST ENDING FOR BLAINE AND SABRE?
CG: IN *ONE* PLAYTHOUGH, NO LESS.
GG: woah congratulations!! ahh i'm so jealous.
GG: so you and dave worked things out?
CG: IF BY WORKED IT OUT YOU MEAN I DID NOT BLUDGEON HIM TO DEATH, THEN YES, WE WORKED IT OUT.
CG: FOR SOME REASON HE WANTS TO PLAY THE GAME FOR HIMSELF, I THINK OUT OF SOME CONVOLUTED AND NO DOUBT INCOMPREHENSIBLY STUPID NEED TO SEE HOW HE COMPARES.
GG: maybe he wants to take notes? figure out how to sweep you off your feet, blaine-style?
CG: OH DEAR GOD I HOPE NOT.
GG: i don't know, it sounds kind of sweet! but he's not all eaten up with jealousy for your 2d boyfriend anymore?
CG: I THINK I HAVE SUFFICIENTLY CONVINCED HIM THAT HE DOES NOT NEED TO FEAR MY JPEG LOVER, NO MATTER HOW DREAMY HE MAY BE.
After nearly two weeks of trying, you give up on getting anywhere with Starcrossed Suburbia. You guess you should be grateful your boyfriend is an expert on relationships, because apparently, if things had been left up to you, you’d have gotten the bad ending over and over again.
Karkat’s stirring ramen on the stove with his hip propped against the counter in a way that does funny things to your heart. You slide your arms around him and kiss his neck, his cheek, his temple, until he bats you away so he can finish the food.
“You know, I was thinking, for someone who doesn’t ‘get’ black romance, you do jealousy very well.” He smirks at you playfully, and your skin prickles with heat.
You think maybe you’re not so bad at this romance stuff, in the real world, where it counts.