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Your head pounded. Every second felt like hours and the walls of your station, filled with files and pictures and holo pads seemed to be closing in on you.
“Y/n,” The speaker in your office quarters sounded, “Two more x-wings are down, we need you to run the numbers for parts on for repair, add two more pilots to the med bay lists, and up our training and recruitment efforts five percent.” Great, you thought. Just more to add to your plate. You let out an exhausted sigh and then responded,
“On it, give me a few minutes.” Your head still pounded from the responsibilities you already had to do today. After, Lex- well after Lex passed you had to double down on the workload and push the grieving process to the side. There was no time it seemed for mourning heroes when more could die every day if you didn’t do your job.
“Y/n” another notification sounded, “One bomber down and in maintenance, that’ll cost us. We need you down in the repairs asap.” Before that request could even finish sounding off another one came in
“Hey, y/n. There’s two fighters injured down here. I know you’re not on med rotation today but We can't get anyone else with medical training down here can you-
“Y/n, did you hear me? I think I cut out. We need you in maintenance.”
“THey’ll probably only need a few stitches but if you can get down here as fast you can that would be preferred.” There were so many requests coming in, you weren’t sure you could even get to half of them today. Before your spiralling of anxiety and overwhelm could get to the point of nonfunctioning, your long time friend and fellow mechanic supervisor walked to your desk.
“Hey, you look like you’ve seen a ghost. Are you doing alright?”
“Yeah,” You reassured yourself, “No, yeah I’m ok. I uh, I think I just need some fresh air.”
“Don’t know how fresh the air is today, looks like it's gonna be stormy and raining all night.”
“Great,” you muttered. A few of your close friends knew that when you were having a rough day or couldn't seem to stop your mind you felt more at home outdoors. Probably came from your life of living in and out of shelters and homes. But for whatever reason, being outdoors seemed to calm your stress.
“You know what?” your friend commented, “I know I don’t have jurisdiction to do this but why don’t you take the night off. I’ll handle your emergencies. Don’t worry about it.”
“Are you sure, I mean I can do it, don't worry. I-”
“No, no, no. I’ve known you long enough to know when you need to take a load off and clear your head. You have that glazed over look in your eyes.”
“I’m sorry, I guess I’m just still-” You paused not wanting your emotions to overrun you, “I guess I’m just not all the way here after, you know, um, losing.” You made a gesture with your half smile and your eyes that let him know you were referring to your friend Lex.
“I know, I’m sorry you haven't had the time you need to recover.” You looked to the ground. You tried to stop the tears from your eyes but you felt one run down your cheek, “So just take the rest of the night off, please. I insist.” You agreed and thanked him as much as you could manage before your fight or flight instincts made you walk down the hallways at the speed of a run. You navigated the concrete walls of the jungle base until you pushed through the final doors to the outside and felt your shoes on the lush grass and dirt. The air was cold and humid and you felt the wind slick the moisture to your skin. The brown sweater and black pants you wore felt not enough for the jungle planet’s complex weather. You thought the outside fresh air would help your panicked disposition, but instead your feelings of panic heightened. You stumbled your way to the covered area on the side of the base and slid your body down the cold concrete wall to the floor. Your heart rate was elevated, your breathing unstable and you felt like no matter how deep you inhaled you couldn't get any oxygen. Your body felt like a prison and you felt like hell. Just when you believed your luck couldn’t get any worse, a dreadfully familiar presence entered her headspace. The figure of a familiar foe appeared in your vision, but you recognized it as only an involuntary illusion. “You look like hell.” the voice of Kylo Ren boomed through her mind.
“You’ve looked worse,” You shakily fired back.
“For worse reasons than you’re experiencing no doubt.” He commented. HE had a habit of trying to downplay your experiences and make you second guess your importance. It boiled every last nerve in your body.
“Try me.” You tried to be fearsome.
“Oh, I know its so hard fighting off the First Order, maybe if you all would come to your senses and realize that the only thing plaguing the galaxy is the conflict you created.”
“This isn’t about Resistance versus First Order, or a bad day at work, this is about me feeling totally out of control of my life and losing people left and right and nothing seeming ok and feeling like nothing ever will be ok. SO if you’re going to just antagonize me about petty, trivial, arguments then you should just leave.” At this point you were screaming and had tears streaming down your face. “I just don’t know how to handle any of this anymore.” You confessed with a sob. Kylo’s demeanor changed when he noticed the familiar pain in you. A pain that he’s felt too often himself. What he said next surprised you,
“I don’t often do this, but, I’m sorry.” He apologized. You looked up at the vision of him in front of you. “I shouldn't have assumed what you were upset about.”
“Never thought you were one to apologize.”
“Well, I owe you this one. You should go get dried off. From what I can tell you’re soaked. Is it raining where you are?”
“No, I should, um, stay out. I don’t think I can go back in there. It’s just too much to-” You stammered.
“Ok, then I’m coming to get you.” Kylo decided.
“Yeah, right.” You said. You were still trying to steady your voice. Every other word or so came out shakily and with a hiccuped breath. “Like you’d want to do that or I’d let you know where I am.”
“This isn’t a petty First Order Resistance fight, like you said. I,” He paused, “I know what you're feeling and you deserve someone to help you.” You could tell Kylo was speaking from personal experience and from his heart. No matter how cold and dead that heart and soul seemed at times this experience and few others proved the beating, caring, heart buried beneath the callous exterior. You responded softly,
“No offense but you don't seem like the caring type.”
“Don’t typically show that side of me. Rarely anything warrants it.” You didn’t respond but you knew that was his way of telling you that you were different to him. Even if just in this instance, to him you were different and you felt special and important. Just the validation you were seeking. “You can either tell me where you are, or I’ll get in your head for your location.” Kylo demanded.
“Now that sounds more like you.” His more demanding and cold mannerisms of speech brought familiarity and made you crack half a smile. You begrudgingly told him where you were. But in your feeble attempts to be threatening you told him if he pulled anything you’d cut something off that’d hurt his over inflated ego majorly. Once his presence faded from your consciousness you were left alone again with your pain, soaking wet in the rain. You looked to the horizon in hopes that maybe this one time, someone would actually come to help you. A life of being on your own pushed you to be predisposed to the opposite. Being alone in your time of need, and it has made you grow exhausted of soothing and caring for yourself. But maybe this once, someone would come for you. Maybe for once Kylo Ren could be the one to save you instead of be the one you fought tirelessly against. After half an hour of staying out in the rain, feeling helpless stuck to the ground. Being stuck with your shaky breathing and irrational, overworked, mind. You felt the landing of a ship near you, but for some reason you must’ve missed seeing it, or maybe you weren’t able to see it at all. He had mentioned First Order tech developing undetectable ships. Nevertheless, your hope was still minimal that anyone would actually come to help you. After a few more minutes of not seeing anyone your hope was back down to a nonexistent level. You ducked your head in between your knees and closed your eyes. The tears that never stopped coming continued to stream down your face. Your body jolted from an outside presence but then was comforted by the feeling of something warm being draped over you. You looked up to where the figure next to you was standing and saw the concerned face of Kylo Ren. His face bore a furrowed brow, it showed genuine concern for you. “Hey,” He breathed out heavily. YOu leaned your body towards him and leant against his legs. He let out a soft chuckle and reached down to lift you to your feet. You thought he’d stop when you were standing up but, instead one of his arms swiped under your knees and another behind your back. You were taken off balance but instead of falling to the floor you were picked up. You struggled at first but then realized the anxiety coursing through your veins led to your exhaustion.
“I can still walk, I’m not that helpless.”
“I know you can, but believe me I need to take care of you as much as you need to be taken care of.” It hit you then. He wasn’t just being nice and thoughtful for nothing, he was obviously getting some therapeutic and relieving aspect out of caring for you. You resigned and let your head fall to rest against his shoulder. Walking through the jungle planet you were pelted with thick drops of rain until a ship you were unable to see before appeared in your line of sight. It looked like a TIE Silencer, but the body of the ship was much larger. With the flick of two fingers the loading ramp hissed and lowered to the planet floor. You blinked and swatted away the fog that emitted from the ramp's descent and Kylo carried you aboard.
After setting you down on one of the seats in the cockpit, Kylo sat across from you. “Thank you,” You said to him. “For all of this you didn’t have to do this. I’m sorry I’m so out of it and messed up today.” You apologized.
“Don’t mention it, let's just get you dried off and warmed up.” responded Kylo. He reached down to in front of your feet and you moved your feet back to give him room. “I’m reaching for that.” He said and looked up at you. Confused you moved your feet back and he reached to untie the laces. He slid off your boots and pulled wet socks off your feet.
“Hey, I could’ve done that.” you said sheepishly.
“I’m asking you nicely to let you take care of me.” He gave a smile for once when he said the next part. “Don’t bring me to force you to be cared for.” You sighed, but deep down you were enjoying getting some ‘tlc’ for once. “Take that coat off too, and your sweater.”
“Little forward.” You mumbled. But you obliged and took off your wet coat and soaked top. You thanked your past self for wearing a more covering undergarment today. Kylo pulled on the bottom of her pant legs motioning for her to take them off. You made another joke, “You have to take me out to dinner first for that.” Kylo made an unamused facial expression. You sniffled, being out in the cold was probably going to reward you with being ill for a few days. You shuffled off the wet pants and were left in a bandage top and spandex like shorts.
“It's cold in the cockpit come back to the captain’s quarters.” You stood up and crossed your arms in front of you. You didn’t like having so few clothes on when he was still fully dressed. You felt awkward and self conscious but at least you weren't wet. You followed him through a set of the automatic doors.
“New ship?” You asked.
“Been working on it. Personal project, for overnight flights and maybe even a getaway.”
“You sound like a romantic and a traveler saying that. Where’d you go?” You asked humorously.
“To your surprise I can have more than one, hardened, face.” You sat down on the side of the bed and Kylo on the small seat across from you. He was next to a door, you assumed it’d be a fresher or a storage area maybe. “Are you feeling any better?” Kylo asked. The genuine concern in his voice was still comforting and present.
“Still shaky, but now I’m not wet at least.” You paused, “And I don’t feel so alone.” You couldn’t look him in the eye as you said that part. He leaned over further and made you feel obligated to look him in the eye,
“You’re not alone, not anymore.” He reminded you. The tears you thought were long gone returned. You fought them back but struggled to keep a few from falling from your eyes. Kylo had taken his gloves off and the tougher, armor-like, parts of his clothes. When he saw the tears fall from your eyes and onto your cheeks he stood up and walked up to you. His large hand cupped the side of your face and wiped salty tears away. “It’s ok to feel this way.” He reassured you. “It’s ok to mourn and you don’t deserve half of the crap that’s happened to you, it's not fair.” He was getting angry at seeing you in pain. It spoke to his own issues but did validate your cocktail of mixed feelings. After a few minutes of silent comfort you spoke up again.
You composed yourself and asked,“Is there a fresher I can clean up in?”
“Of course,” He offered you a hand and you took it, “Through there,” he pointed to two doors across from the bed. “Let me get water going, I’ll find some clothes for you.” His generosity was becoming overflowing and you had to do something more than talk to show your gratitude. He walked behind you but you stopped and turned around to face him.
“Really, Ben.” You paused, shocked and scared that name of his came out of your mouth. You looked to see his reaction but to your surprise it was just a softened expression. You continued, “Thank you.” You leaned to him and wrapped your arms around him. Embracing in his large figure. You expected him not to return the embrace but to your surprise, and honestly his too, he wrapped his arms around you tightly. His thumb rubbed a small circle into your back and the top of his chin rested atop your head.
“You’ll never be alone y/n, I promise you that.” He said with heavy breathing. THe two of you stood like that for a short while. He gently swayed you back and forth to soothe. “How about that shower, shorty?” Ben asked. He only used that nickname with you when the two of you were on amicable terms or better.
“I’d like that.” You answered with a smile. Both of you walked to the fresher and Ben had you sit atop the counter while he started to water and waited for it to get warm. He took some toiletries out from the cabinet and set them up for you to use. After testing if the water was warm enough he left you alone to get freshened up. You stripped out of the barely any clothing you were wearing and looked in the mirror at the red nose and cheeks you displayed. And cringed at the puffiness of your eyes and the dark circles accompanying it. You hoped the warm water would wash away the feelings of cold and depression. Getting in the stream of warm water you washed the feelings of tonight out of your hair and off your body. The soaps and shampoos smelled like Ben. Fresh, but masculine and they comforted your senses. Hopefully getting them off your mind would come soon enough. After staying in for long enough to feel guilty you stepped out and wrapped a black towel around you. On the counter there was something that wasn’t there before. You walked over and inspected; you found a pair of black lounge pants and a thin sweater laid there. You deduced you must’ve been too caught up in thought to notice Ben putting them in the fresher. Regardless of your suspicion of how or when the clothes got there you dried yourself off and slipped into them. The pants were much too large for you and made you roll the waist a few times to get them to not slip down. Same with the sleeves of the sweater. You rolled them up your arms and felt how soft the fabric of the clothes were. After finishing freshening up you walked back out the automatic doors to see Ben laying propped up on the bed eying a holopad
“Feeling better?” Ben asked, once he realized you had walked back in the room. He seemed to have readied himself for bed too. You kept drying your hair with a towel and answered,
“Much,” You paused and tried to eye what he was looking at, “what are you reading?” Ben tapped the bed and motioned for you to sit down,
“Come sit, I’ll show you.” You hesitated, not wanting to intrude on his space. But he gave you another look that encouraged you to join him. You sat down on the edge of the bed and looked over to the holopad. “Not like that, y/n. Don’t be ridiculous, that’s not comfortable.” You gave him a stubborn pout in protest, but him looping an arm around your waist and pulling you more onto the bed won the battle of wills. You sat next to him, close enough for the sides of your bodies to be touching; resting on each other.
You asked again, “So what is it?” getting back to the topic of the holopad.
“Well it’s some of my grandmother’s writings. Not many people know she used to write. Rather, journal. She kept track of the events of her life by writing them in the form of narratives but they seemed more like epics.” He explained. You were intrigued. Not just by what he was reading but by the fact he would tell you an intimate detail about his family like that. You let out a yawn as you tried to respond,
“Sounds interesting,” you laughed at your choice of words while you were yawning, “don’t mind the ironic yawn. Would you read me some?” Ben knew you hated reading off the holopad. Too much of doing it at your job gave you splitting headaches.
“Sure,” Ben answered. He didn’t sound like it was another to him and you were relieved. Ben pulled you in closer and before you could register why or where he was moving you to, you were in between his legs laying back on him. You held yourself up, hovering your back above his chest. You were hesitant to be laying this intimately with him or putall your weight on him. Ben set down the holopad and gently pushed your shoulders down to meet him. “Relax, y/n.” He assured you. You obliged and let yourself rest against him. Once you did he picked back up the holopad and fixed it to a stand that seemed to come out of nowhere. It made sense for Ben to have something like that in his ship, he always did like to read. He began to read some of his grandmother's writings about what you gathered to be a trip to Naboo. As he read you felt more and more tired and didn’t notice at first when Ben’s hands made his way to comb out your damp hair. Once you realized you protested,
“You don’t have to-” you stammered, “I can go br-”
“Let me,” he argued, “You’re falling asleep and hair braiding is an Alderanian tradition.” Your brow furrowed slightly. You had forgotten about his mother being the princess of the former planet Alderan and you were even more surprised at the prospect of him knowing how to or enjoying braiding hair. You relaxed back into Ben’s figure and he began reading from the holopad again. Between the soothing sound of his voice coupled with the rise and fall of his chest, and the rhythmic way his fingers moved your hair into braids it was too much for you to stay awake. Eventually you drifted off to sleep and your head fell to the side. Your ear pressed against his chest let you hear his heartbeat and pushed you further into a much needed sleep. Ben continued reading until he finished the two braids in your hair. Afterwards he put the holopad away, careful not to reach too far and weak you. But once he tried to get up and leave he did just that. In your groggy, freshly awoken state you reached out for his arm as he stood up and asked,
“Stay?” You blinked your eyes open and gave your most persuasive face, “please,” you pleaded. He thought about denying you, but the please at the end of your request won him over. You’d only been with each other like this a select few times. But every time, it was the best sleep of your night and made you feel the safest you’ve ever felt. He slid himself under the covers next to you and you rolled closer to him. So close that your leg rests over his, and your face burrows into where his shoulder meets his chest. One of his arms laid over your waist and held you close. The more relaxed you felt the more you could hear the pounding of rain on top of the ship. The cosistem rhythm of the rain and the warm safe feelings from being held close by Ben pushed you finally into some release of sleep.