Work Text:
dear tyler,
i'm writing to you to tell you that i'm done. i'm done playing around with you just to see if anything will happen. i'm done with you only keeping me around for when your girl of the week bores you and you need a distraction. i'm done going to party after party after party for you. thanks to you my life is hell. i wouldn't be a borderline mess if it wasn't for you. but you don't know that. you don't know any of this.
to you everything is fine. you've done nothing wrong. you probably think that double teaming with those girls and me is completely fine. you're 'straight' after all, that's what you keep telling me at least.
you see, nothing is fine. absolutely nothing. my heart is in pieces, my brain cannot think of anything but you... my whole life revolves around you. how am i supposed to move on after everything that happened? i can barely remember a time before you came to me. that was 3 years ago. how crazy is that? it all began thanks to that idiot friend of yours and his stupid parties.
now you're going away to college, stanford people say, and we won't see each other ever again. you'll go on to marry a beautiful woman that gives you equally beautiful kids. you'll buy a house with your lawyer money, probably in a fenced community with rich neighbors. you'll be a top lawyer at your firm, you'll make 8 figures and have an amazing retirement plan. your life will only become better as it goes on.
i'm not saying that you don't deserve it...but you deserve to feel guilt for what you did to me. you're thinking that i'm making it a bigger deal than what it is, but i'm done second guessing myself because of you.
what you did to me matters. what you made me go through matters. you fucking deserve to feel the pain you caused me.
do you remember when we first bumped into each other at ryan's party in sophomore year? you were drunk already, you stank of beer and your hair was a mess. i think you had lipstick marks on your neck too. you asked me if i wanted the last of your beer, i said no because i didn't drink. it's weird to think that changed because of you too. i remember you ran to the empty front yard to throw up in ryan's mom's petunias. poor woman, her garden was beautiful.
i was there helping you throw up. i still want to vomit when i think of you using your own shirt to clean up your face. we sat on the lawn when you finished. i wasn't sure if i should leave you alone after that. "why are you here with me?" you asked me. i only shrug. i didn't know why. you started to talk about some sports thing...or a debate club thing... i don't remember. i just know that i couldn't take my eyes off you. the light of the moon made you look so heavenly, the white glow only made you more ethereal. i had never questioned my sexuality before that moment.
that was the moment i knew i wasn't into girls at all. i was only into you. i think that was my first red flag.
you got a pack of cigarettes and a lighter out of your pocket. you lit it so effortlessly. i hate smoking but you make it look so cool. "why do you smoke?" i asked you. what a dumb question to ask. you shrugged and kept on inhaling the toxic drug into your lungs. god, i wanted to kiss you so bad then. i swear you must've read my thoughts right then because next thing i knew, your lips were on mine.
no offense, but you tasted like shit. i hated cigarettes. i hated beer. i hated that my first kiss was on the front yard at a party i didn't want to be at with a guy who was too drunk to remember it in the morning. i'm kind of glad my first kiss was with you though. i can't explain why.
you put out the cigarette on the wall behind us. i was in shock for a couple of seconds. "i need another beer," you simply said as you got up and disappeared into the crowd of people inside the house.
all of my thoughts at the moment were about you. about what you'd done. you took away my first kiss. at the time, i thought it meant nothing. just an innocent kiss right? nothing to be worried about. but if i was thinking about it so much, could it really mean nothing?
i never found you again at the party that night. some people said you were messing around with one of the cheerleaders in the guest bedroom. others said you passed out in the laundry room in a pool of your own vomit. either way, i left before i heard any more rumors.
the second i got home my dad asked me if i had smoked. i stank of your cigarette. thankfully he believed me when i said no. i went to my room and took a shower to get rid of your smell and your lips on mine. i put my clothes in the laundry basket since they smelled so bad. my brain couldn't stop replaying that moment. you on me, me on you. you do make a lasting impression. i spent the entire night googling stuff about being gay and liking boys. my search history was a mess.
the next party was the following month. christmas themed i believe. ryan loves his themes. i wore a red and green sweater. most people didn't bother with their outfits, a simple santa hat was enough. i didn't want to be at that party either. none of my friends were going. by that i mean that my one friend had a family dinner that night. as soon as i went into the living room, there you were in all your glory. you wore a red jacket. it looked so good on you. you also wore a santa hat. it only made you look funny.
whenever i crossed paths with you at school i pretended to not notice you. how could i not though? you brought a bright energy with you everywhere you went, along with that stupidly cute smile of yours. then you only seemed even better. you had a cup full of beer on one hand. you had a lit cigarette on the other. girls were sitting all around you. you seemed like a god. in a sense, you were.
we made eye contact. i think you recognized me. maybe not. hours passed while i stuck to my little corner in the living room. i only drank my sad glass of water. what a pathetic guy i was. at some point i saw you get up from the sofa, you had lipstick marks on your neck again. how did i not notice you make out with those girls? my legs made me follow you. you went out the front door and puked on the newly planted roses. i'm surprised ryan's mom could keep any plant alive with friends like you coming around.
"hey!" i said before i could process it, "are you okay?" you nodded, cleaning yourself up with your jacket. you sat on the grass and i joined you. "i like your sweater," you told me. i blushed so hard my face was red. i mumbled a weak 'thank you'. a compliment from you was like a gift from a god.
we sat there for a few minutes in silence. i kept looking at you, hoping you would say something. you took out a pack of cigarettes from your pocket, along with a black and red lighter. "do you want one?" i was shocked that you offered me one. i'd never smoked before that night. you noticed when you gave me a lit one and i immediately choked on it. you made it cooler than it was. i kept coughing the first few hits. you probably thought it was cute. the sky was cloudy that night, so the moon didn't light you up like it did before. what a shame. you deserved your own spotlight as you brought the cigarette to your lips and inhaled the drug into your lungs with ease.
"you're in mrs. sinclair's english class, right?" you asked. i nodded. "sick. maybe we can be partners for the play. we can do romeo and juliet for the shits and giggles."
"it's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits," i said. you laughed. i felt so proud then. you pulled out a new cigarette out of the pack after putting out your first one of the ground. you seemed bored of it even though it had a lot to go. i should've known then.
how much time passed before you sat closer to me escapes me now. it could've been only a few minutes. i turned my face to look at you and you kissed me. you tasted like tobacco and cinnamon. your touch was so delicate; you cupped my cheek to deepen our kiss. i lost myself in you. all i wanted was for that moment to last forever. but you pulled away seconds later. "we should go back inside before we freeze to death," you muttered. it wasn't that cold out. you put out your cigarette and disappeared once again.
for a while i stayed there, i finished the cigarette until there was nothing left of that moment. when i got home my dad asked me if i smoked. i lied and said no. i told him that people were doing it all around me. he never questioned it. maybe he knew the truth. either way, i couldn't sleep that weekend. nothing worked. all i wanted was to be next to you and kiss you and touch you and sleep in the same bed as you and.....
the only good thing that came out of all of this is that i found out my feelings for you.
monday morning at school, i passed you in the hallway on my way to lunch. i could taste the lingering tobacco and liquor on my lips thanks to you. "see you in english, partner! you better start memorizing your lines," you said. somehow that made me blush. it meant that you remembered our brief moments together. you remembered our kisses. that got me through the rest of the day.
you know how the rest of the story goes. we partnered for the play. we barely talked outside of class. you laughed at my jokes. you made me blush. you gave me your number. "just in case." it meant the world to me. we began to text. those texts were sacred; i valued them like gold. i don't have them anymore.
ryan's next party was until february of the following year. you looked so gorgeous with your yellow sweater. my friend was with me this time. although he was too busy kissing someone in the pantry. i was watching some football jocks play beer pong when you tapped my shoulder and whispered into my ear. "meet me in the blue jeep in 5 minutes." your famous blue jeep. everyone knew that's where you took your new girlfriend of the week to make out in private. i was thrilled.
i did as you told me. the jeep was a few houses down from ryan's, in front of an empty lot. my stomach was full of butterflies. "why are we here?" i asked. "c'mon, dun," you scoffed, "you wouldn't want them to see us, do you?" were we living in the 1950s? i never understood why you wanted to keep me a secret then. all of my worries washed away when we started kissing. you probably pictured a girl being in my place when you kissed down my neck and took my hoodie off. i felt so exposed...but safe. you made me feel good. the sight of you without the yellow sweater was heavenly.
before anything really happened you stopped. i thought you wanted to take things slow. my mind pushed away the fact that you never take things slow. you gave me a hickey on my collarbone. i panicked about hiding it from my parents. we drove to the gas station to get more beer and cigarettes for our cover. how you managed to buy them while being 16, i'll never know.
when we got back to the party, you left me as soon as you could. i wanted to go home already anyway. i'd gotten the best night of my life already.
a pattern began after that night.
for the next god knows how long we repeated the same routine. you got drunk at the party, i messed about until you called me, we kissed in your jeep and then i'd go home to fantasize about you. i hated it. i pretended it didn't bother me but it did. i was miserable. the second i stepped out of the car you went off to kiss a random girl like you didn't just leave a trail of hickeys on my neck. you only used me. you treated me like a cheap toy. my mind filled up with ideas of us that could never be true.
did you ever think about that? did you ever think that i made up ideas of us being together? that's funny. us being together. you, out and proud. what a joke.
everything i was molded to fit you. i began actively smoking to cope with us. it was the only way we could spend a bit longer together at parties. my younger self that swore i'd never smoke would beat me up if he saw me then. my parents found a packet of cigarettes you left in my jacket during a party in july of junior year. i came out to them while they were lecturing me about how i've ruined my life. you'd probably find it funny how they switched real quick from being mad to being compassionate. i got grounded for a month still. there's why i didn't go to ryan's for so long.
you didn't seem to care though. you were more than fine without me. me being there was just an extra feature; i was a blooper reel in your movie like life.
the first part of junior year was a blur. i don't remember much other than being stressed with college applications and making out with you in ryan's guest bathroom. i stopped smoking but i took a cigarette if you offered it to me. your lips became so associated with smoke and cheap beer. i hated the taste of it all. i had so much envy for the girls that got to go out on dates with you and kiss you without the smell of marlboro taking over.
you never wanted to hang out. it was like our relationship was strictly professional. until you dragged me out of my play rehearsals for drama class to make out in the supply closet. you said you couldn't wait until the next party to do it. you said you missed my lips. you said so many things. i fell for all of them.
our pattern began to shift. you can see how.
we were a mess, tyler. i don't know how i kept digging myself deeper and deeper.
during the first party in senior year you changed me more. you offered me a vodka mixed with lemonade. i drank it all without a care. i felt tipsy and giggled as you took me to the front yard and we kissed. it was the usual stuff. i felt terrible the morning after. you got me addicted to the two things i hated. count another one if you include yourself.
all i wanted was a date. just one date. no drinking, no smoking, no crowded living room, no loud music. i wanted to take you to the park and have a picnic. i wanted to take you to the butterfly exhibit at the museum. i wanted to go roller skating with you. there's so many things i wanted to do... but each day i realized more and more that as soon as you got bored of me you'd drop me.
i was merely a thrill.
my parents had largely ignored my new behavior. they thought i was a good kid. i was on a downwards spiral until my friend saved me from going deeper. i never realized i changed so much. "you're acting like tyler. i don't like seeing you destroy yourself for him." i'd become a copy of you, only i don't use people for fun.
you might argue that i used you too. making up fantasies about you and never saying no and everything else was me using you as escapism. you're dead wrong. i was so blind by how you treated me. i never used you. all i fucking wanted was for you to love me back.
as you know, everything came crashing down at ryan's after party for the graduation ceremony. you pulled me out to your car, so eager to mess around with me. i told myself that i've had enough. the second we got into your car i started crying. i sobbed hard. you sat there confused. i was tired of pretending i was okay with this. it'd been eating me alive for so long. i finally broke. "why are you crying?" you asked, so unaware. that only made me cry harder. i couldn't speak. i choked on my words. you pulled me close, hugging me tight. it felt so nice. it felt safe.
i wish you could understand how much that stupid little hug meant to me. the past 3 years had been such terrible years for me. all because of you. you, you, you. yet, you comforting me was enough to make me feel okay. you'll never understand the pain you caused me; you'll never understand how you took over my life. maybe one day you'll understand. i could've told you at that moment. i doubt you would've understood. you weren't sober. i wish you had been.
we stayed hugging in your jeep for a few good minutes. even if it was a lie, i pretended it was all okay. "fuck," you said, "i feel like shit. can you like...drive me home?" my heart kept telling me i was obligated to. you were drunk after all.
you gave me directions to your house, not far away from ryan's, and we went on. i was gonna call my mom to pick me up at your house as soon as we got there. "what about your date?" i asked. your prom date was that blonde girl from ap history. she was cute, a party girl on the side. you shrugged, "one of her friends can drive her home."
we got to your house and i helped you get out of the car. you giggled about something. "you're cute, joshua. it sucks that i'm not into guys. i'd totally date you." somehow that made me cry again. that sentence alone summarized our whole history so perfectly. i fucking hate it.
neither of your parents were home, only your siblings and they were asleep. i helped you to your room, i never imagined i'd be in it. well, i did, but in a different context. "do you need anything else?" i asked while drying my tears. you nodded. "kiss me," you whispered, "please?"
i did. you giggled. "thank you, dun. you've been great." you fell asleep right away. i gulped and pushed the next waterfall of tears as far away as i could. i went outside after i texted my mom. she got there quickly. i was silent the whole way home. i didn't know how to process anything that happened between us.
that happened a few hours ago. now i'm here writing this letter to you. i couldn't wait or sleep before it. my brain won't stop replaying us. "thank you, dun. you've been great." what the hell did you mean? is that your goodbye? after all of this? are you serious? you made me a shell of what i was. fuck! you! i hate my stupid heart for still filling up with fireworks when i think of you. i hate that i wasted most of my time obsessing over you. i hate that you only came to me when your normal life was boring. i hate that i know that you love apple juice and your mom makes the best peach cobbler in the world. i hate that i'll never be able to share my life with you.
fuck... i sound insane. this whole thing is insane. you'll throw out this as soon as you're done with it. there's no real reason for you to keep it. why would you? unless this is just the beginning of our coming of age movie and you run to my house to ask me out. that's not how real life works. that's just my fantasy.
why weren't you fucking sober? none of this is would've happened if you hadn't gotten so drunk you had to puke in ryan's front yard. you have a problem. please realize that. the world doesn't need alcoholics, it never did. i hope that when you're off in college and still get shitfaced, you think of me and not kiss a random boy just for fun. it may be great for you but you could hurt the other person. stop being a selfish dick.
the sun is out now. i didn't get any sleep. i hope you did.
i'm gonna end this mess of a letter here. you can do with all of this what you want. i needed to get it off my chest. sorry for the tears on the paper. i'm emotional.
i hope you have a good summer. please don't get drunk. it doesn't do you any good.
thank you for everything (whatever 'everything' is).
love,
josh.
p.s.: i'm going to uc berkeley, so if you are going to stanford (and you're in love with me too) we could hang out sometime.