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Weddings are the symbol of commitment and the foundation of one’s love for their partner. A declaration of one’s unquestionable affection for their significant other. It’s a time where people come together to celebrate the union of two people who have found love.
Yet, Nayeon wonders why she’s struggling to exude the joyous and harmonious feeling of being at her best friend’s wedding. Of course, she knows the reason but still, why couldn’t the past leave her alone just for today. But she was talented at pretending everything’s fine.
"Are you gonna be okay?" Jihyo asked.
Nayeon quirked a small smile. "Don't worry about me. Worry about how to not cry during your vows."
Jihyo chuckled. "Trust me, if anyone cries it'll be Daniel."
"I somehow believe that."
"He's a real softy."
"And you're the tough one, right?"
"Its who I am." Jihyo gave herself one last look over. She spun around and asked, "How do I look?"
"Like the most beautiful bride ever."
"Careful, unnie. Sounds like you're confessing."
Nayeon grimaced. "As if. You're not my type at all."
Jihyo grabbed her bouquet, fiddling with the petals. "She's gonna be here, you know. She RSVP'd."
"...oh."
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you beforehand. I just...I thought if I did you wouldn't want to show anymore."
Placing her hands on her shoulder, Nayeon lowered her head to be in Jihyo’s line of vision that was cast low. "Hey, I'm your best friend. I would never miss your wedding."
"No offense, but my soon to be husband missing our wedding is more of a worry than you."
"Daniel loves you, he wouldn't dare. Plus, he knows I'd end his life."They were joking. That was good. It helped release tension Nayeon hadn't realized she had. "Besides, she's your best friend too. It's only right that you invite her."
"Is she not your best friend anymore?" Asked Jihyo, her voice careful but firm.
Nayeon sighed. She walked to the mirror and started reapplying her lipstick. She needed something to do with herself. In the reflection, Jihyo was staring at her with a look of concern.
"She was, but things changed. We didn't work out as a couple, so it was even harder to work as friends."
"What if there's a chance?"
"For what?" Nayeon was at the point in her life where she was tired of risking her well-being for a chance that may not even give anything promising.
"To make amends. To start over. A clean slate."
"Jihyo," she started. "It wouldn't work. We both wanted different things and I'm sure we still do."
Jihyo flopped onto the single-seater. She ran her hands down the fabric of the dress. "You two were...perfect. So in love. What exactly happened?"
"I'm not sure," she said, then paused and thought about another response. “I don’t think we were ever meant to be together like that.” Even to this day, it still hurt to think about it.
Almost fifteen years ago, Nayeon had met a girl who she didn't know then would become single-handedly the most important person to her. New to the school, no friends, Nayeon was sure the next few years of her high school life would be lonely. Then she'd been placed in the farthest seat in the back next to the girl who had her head on the desk.
Asleep she had been for most of the class. Only flinching awake when someone had sneezed near the end of class. Surprised by Nayeon sitting next to her, the girl had shot up from her seat shrieking. For disrupting the class in what the teacher had thought was supposed to be a joking manner, she was sent out to stand in the hall with her arms up. It was only for ten minutes anyway.
The girl had walked up to Nayeon and she expected to be glared at but instead was given a childish grin as she introduced herself, "Sorry for shouting like a lunatic. I wasn't expecting anyone to be next to me. I'm Yoo Jeongyeon, let's be friends."
From there, everything was history. They'd gotten close. From sharing lunch to sleepovers almost every weekend. Jeongyeon was the best kind of friend she could have ever asked for.
It wasn't until Nayeon realized during their last year of high school that the warm, coiling feeling that had settled within her chest was love. She had explained it once to Jihyo, who said that maybe it was gratitude or just the kind of love one had for a best friend. But the description didn't seem to fit.
It officially earned the title of love when Jeongyeon had started dating college. A nice guy who studied literature. A year into that relationship, she had confided in Nayeon that he didn’t feel right, that her feelings for him weren’t ever strong enough to call it love. So it wasn’t a surprise when they broke up soon after.
Just when Nayeon started fooling herself into thinking that perhaps she had a chance, Jeongyeon started dating a girl majoring in something in the arts. She’d never seen her best friend so happy and deep in love. Nayeon knew Jeongyeon was made in love because she looked at her girlfriend the same way Nayeon looked at Jeongyeon. That lasted for two years when Jeongyeon had been broken up with. And Nayeon was there to pick up the broken pieces of her best friend.
Nayeon had realized she was in love with Jeongyeon when she was eighteen years old. She’d watched her leave from what could have been a potential love when they were twenty, unknowingly scattering dashes of hope in Nayeon’s life. Then she’d watched Jeongyeon free fall carelessly into a love that would eventually break her again at twenty-two. All from the sidelines in her place of being the best friend.
The envious feelings she experienced, the depressing nights, the aching of seeing Jeongyeon with someone else. Those were all the entailment of being in love.
She had resigned the idea of Jeongyeon ever coming to love her the way she did. The way she'd been hoping since she was eighteen years old.
Jihyo was the only one who knew and Nayeon believed she'd stay the only one knowing forever.
But, on her twenty-sixth birthday, something changes. All caused by a drunken stupor of Nayeon’s. A confession in slurred, alcohol tainted breath in the night. She remembers refusing to move from the couch when her small celebration came to an end and all guests, except for Jeongyeon, had left.
“You’ll strain your back if you sleep here,” Jeongyeon continued tugging at her arm, trying to pull up on her feet.
Nayeon shook her head, whining, “I’m too dizzy! Leave me here.”
“Don’t make me carry you.”
“You can’t carry me,” Nayeon hiccuped, successfully pulling her arm out of Jeongyeon’s grip. She laid down, sighing loudly. “You’re too weak.”
“I am not. I’ve been working out!”
Nayeon struggled to open her eyes fully. She managed to open one and looked at Jeongyeon with her single-eyed, blurry vision. “But so am I,” she mumbled. “My heart is weak.”
“Your heart? Are you not feeling well?” Jeongyeon got down on her knees, leaning closer, worry filling her eyes. “Should we take you to the emergency room?”
She’s panicking and Nayeon found it adorable. To stop her rambling, Nayeon placed a hand on Jeongyeon’s mouth, “Shut up and listen.” she demanded.
“Nayeon--”
“Ssh!” Content with Jeongyeon’s silence, Nayeon continued. “The ache I feel in my heart only has one cure.” Oh, god, she’s super drunk. Nayeon knows she may regret this in the morning but that’s an issue for sober Nayeon. “It’s you, Jeongyeon. I love you, Jeongyeon. I’m so in love with you. Only you can stop my heart from hurting as it yearns and longs just for you.”
Jeongyeon blanked, mouth agape. “Nayeon--”
Once again, she covered her mouth, shushing her. “I’m sleepy.”
Of course, she woke up with a massive hangover that left her in bed the entire day. She had recollections of every moment and every word from that night. Nayeon had expectations of Jeongyeon either acting like nothing ever happened or running away. It’d be a miracle if anything else happened.
However, Jeongyeon, her beloved best friend whom she'd been hopelessly in love for so long, made a dream come true. They start dating two weeks after her birthday.
Being with Jeongyeon was just as Nayeon imagined. Wonderful, fulfilling, serene. Almost the same as best friends, except Jeongyeon now accepted her affection openly. Oh, and they also kissed and did more things than Nayeon's only ever dreamt of.
“You don’t think it’s weird?” Jeongyeon asked, as the credits of the movie they were watching started rolling.
Nayeon raised a brow in question. “About what?”
“Well, us.”
“Oh, yes I think you’re very weird.”
Jeongyeon rolled her eyes. “That’s not what I meant.”
Taking the bowl that’d been filled to the brim with popcorn to the sink, Nayeon gestured for Jeongyeon to follow. “I’m not really sure what you’re asking though?”
Leaned against the counter, Jeongyeon stammered, “Well, you know...um, how we...well--”
Nayeon abandoned the sink and slinked to her, trapping her against the counter with her arms, pushing her body up against hers. “Are you asking me if it’s weird for us to be dating because we’re friends?”
“I guess...yeah I am asking that.”
“You asked me out, remember?”
“You confessed to me first, remember?”
Nayeon groaned because that’s a memory she preferred to keep locked away. “I was drunk, it doesn't count.”
“Then tell me again.”
“Right now? In the kitchen of my dingy apartment?”
Jeongyeon finally looked at her. “It’s not the place that matters, it’s words. So tell me again.”
Nayeon first pushed her face against her chest, too shy to say anything. But when Jeongyeon slid a hand against the back of her neck giving light massages. It acted as an encouragement. So, looking up at her, into her eyes, Nayeon confessed all over again her love.
Jeongyeon smiled at her and kissed her. It was enough for Nayeon to forget that Jeongyeon never confessed anything back.
Maybe it always existed then. The risk of her dream coming to an end. Nayeon knows Jeongyeon loved her, but as she recounts all their time together, she can now spot the difference of when Jeongyeon loves someone and is in love with someone. She did witness her fall in love once.
So perhaps it was Nayeon’s fault for wanting them to last forever. Because things don't always go as one wants. They dated for almost two years until Jeongyeon called it quits.
They attended the wedding of Jeongyeon’s friend. It was big and beautiful. Nayeon couldn't help but picture her and Jeongyeon in their place. She wondered if they would ever make it there.
But her illusion of a happy future with Jeongyeon crashed and burned when Jeongyeon’s ex, the one who majored in art, was there as she was also a friend of the couple and had asked her if they could talk privately. Nayeon didn't see it then, the way Jeongyeon’s eyes sparkled with a type of yearning when they laid on her ex.
She'd been gone too long for Nayeon's comfort and when she had set out to look for her, Jeongyeon had found her instead. Her expression was lively as usual. The loving and warm feeling she always felt when she looked at Jeongyeon was replaced with something strange. Something close to despair and dejection.
"You're my best friend, Nayeon, and you know I love you, right?" Nayeon had only nodded."I feel like shit doing this to you but I don't think we can continue."
"Why?" She asked although she had a suspicion.
"Because even after getting my heart broken by her, I'm still in love with her and it wouldn't be right for me to be with you."
Of course, from the start, it’d been too surreal. For Jeongyeon to suddenly declare interest in her so easily. But Nayeon was blinded and deaf by love.
Questions were at the tip of her tongue, all fighting to get out: ‘Why did you ask me out then?’ ‘Was I just a rebound?’ ‘How could you do this to me?’ ‘Do you even care about me?’ ‘Did you ever love me like I love you?’
There wasn't much she could have done. As much as she wanted to force Jeongyeon to stay with her, she loved her as a friend before falling in love with her. And as her best friend, she only wanted the best for her.
"I understand."
At a wedding, Nayeon had gotten her heart broken by the girl she'd been in love with since she was eighteen years old.
From that very day, it was as if Jeongyeon hadn't ever existed in her life. They never hung out again, they never called or texted, on all social media they'd unfollowed each other (Nayeon went as far to block her). The only connection they had was Jihyoi and even then Jihyo was careful not to mention them to or around each other.
Nayeon did her absolute best to avoid Jeongyeon and her hard work paid off because she never encountered her once. She last saw Jeongyeon when they were twenty-seven. It's been four years. Nayeon was now-thirty one.
She was older, more tired, and still hurting. That was something she was still working on.
Jihyo’s father peeked his head into the room, a wavering smile on his face. "You ready, kiddo?"
Jihyo looked at her first. She made an encouraging fist pump. Jihyo then nodded to her dad. That was Nayeon's cue to get going. She sped walked to her seat, not wanting to risk running into Jeongyeon. It wouldn't be good for her to before the wedding. Jihyo needed her to be rock solid.
Everyone rose from their seats as Here Comes the Bride started playing. Walking down the aisle, her arm interlocked with her father's, draped in elegant white, Nayeon admired her best friend and couldn't help but feel a tad envious.
The wedding progressed smoothly. The exchange of vows and rings had everyone in awe at the couple. It was over before she knew it and next was the reception. The part she was starting to dread as it increased her chances of running into Jeongyeon.
As old darling luck would have it, in the most cliche way ever, Nayeon spotted Jeongyeon at a table across the dancefloor. It was if they were seated in the perfect position to see each other. She knew Jihyo had taken part in the planning of the seating chart. As it was her wedding day, she was saved from her wrath. But after, not so much.
The food is served and Nayeon entertained herself with that, mingling with old college friends that she's sat with. They talk about how it's still unbelievable that they're in their thirties already. Unlike Nayeon, they're all involved, some married and some engaged. Nayeon tried her best to pay attention but her mind kept swaying to Jeongyeon and how badly she wanted to look at her.
The lights dimmed and fog poured out onto the dance floor. It is announced that the newlyweds will be having their first dance together. Nayeon set her gaze upon them, admiring the way they twirl and glide. When it ends, the dance floor is open for all to enjoy.
Many guests head out there, enjoying themselves to the fullest. But Nayeon chose to stay put, not in a high spirited mood anymore. She's grateful for the caterer that continued to refill her glass of champagne without her needing to ask.
She's unaware of Jihyo’s presence until a hand landed on her shoulder. "You're mad." It’s an observation, not a question
"No, I'm not. I’m...I don't know how I feel." She’s at a loss for any words to describe her current emotions. Because one moment it felt nice to see Jeongyeon again and then next an anger filled her which then transitioned into gloominess.
Basically, she’s a big jumbled mess.
Jihyo sat next to her. Her makeup and hair are still perfect. Even after she's been up and about talking to all the guests and dancing in between. Compared to her, Nayeon felt like a complete mess and all she's been doing is drinking champagne and drowning in nostalgia.
"Talk to her?" Suggested Jihyo, proceeding to take away her flute before she can finish it. "Before you get too drunk."
Nayeon looked to where Jeongyeon was seated or supposed to be seated as she's no longer there. "You purposely put her there so she would be in my direct sight."
"I saw an opportunity and I took it. I just want you to be happy, unnie."
"I don't even know where she went. Maybe she left already. I don't care, honestly. I'm done caring." She came this far, refusing to fall into her strong desire to pay attention to Jeongyeon.
It's been years since she last saw her in person and with the few glances she’d spared her at the beginning of the reception was enough to fill her heart the brim with an aching and longing she was still learning to diminish over time. It never really left so she's not surprised that she was once again in high levels of nostalgia of the past.
Jihyo stood, bringing her to her feet as well. "She's outside. I told her I would send you her way."
"Its pointless, Jihyo. I told you that we wanted different things but it was only her. She wanted something different. Something that wasn't me. And all these years, since I was eighteen all I ever wanted was her."
Jihyo continued nudging her to the entrance, “Then tell her that.”
Nayeon’s brain was ordering her to flee instead, to go home where she’d probably break down in tears as her mind would flutter through all the memories of her and Jeongyeon. Her heart, on the other hand, was demanding that she talk to Jeongyeon, get some answers to the questions she was unable to ask.
“You can’t get mad at me if I cry to you over the phone on your honeymoon.”
Jihyo only nodded and pushed her past the entrance doors to where the only person she’s ever loved like her life depended on it was waiting.
This time, the sight of Jeongyeon in all her suited glory and beauty, blonde shoulder length hair, Nayeon’s heart leaped. Jeongyeon always looked best with blonde hair.
Jeongyeon hasn’t noticed her yet, so Nayeon walked next to her, mirroring her position of leaning against the wall, not caring if her expensive suit would get dirtied or damaged. That was the least of her worries.
"How's miss artsy?" She asked suddenly because no she can’t have a civil conversation without her mind being infiltrated by the past.
Jeongyeon flinched, snapping her head her way. Then she chuckled softly. “Not even a hello or how are you?”
“I think we’re beyond pleasantries.” Nayeon shifted. Her heels were killing her. “So, how is she?”
"I wouldn't know. We, um," Jeongyeon let out another chuckle but this one is different. It’s hollow, empty, emotion is absent. "She broke up with me three months after...reconciling."
If Nayeon was evil, she’d revel in this, probably laugh at the travesty but she’s not. She’ll always have a soft spot for Jeongyeon, no matter how hurt she’s been by her.
"Oh," Nayeon bit her lips, unsure of what's the right thing to say. Should she feel bad? Should she feel glad that it didn't work out? "That must've sucked." she ended up saying.
Mentally she berated herself because really, Nayeon, that's the best you could come up with. She's only proud of not saying something along the lines of ‘not so fun having your heart broken, right?’.
"Yeah, it did. But I'm over it, I have been for a long time."
Then Nayeon’s mouth works faster than her brain and asked, "Are you over her?"
Jeongyeon blinked at her, clearly stunned.
But she's already asked. And she has no intention of taking it back. Of course, she has no underlying motives despite whatever the answer Jeongyeon may give her. It's only curiosity.
"Yeah, I am. I was crazy in love with her but over time I realized that the love I had for her became only a memory and not a constant feeling. If that makes sense."
Nayeon has read somewhere that first loves always hurt. It’s hard to forget because it is pure and innocent, there are no expectations. It’s an attraction led by the heart, not the mind. Nobody ever has control over their first love, it just happens. In a first love, so much trust is put into the other person. It’s as if you give them a bow and arrow and trust them to not let it go and pierce you in the heart.
However, sometimes the arrow slips and suddenly you’re living with an arrow in your heart. And sadly, it isn’t Cupids. Along with first love comes the first heartbreak, the first time you cry so hard until your tears run dry, the first time you feel helpless and lost.
Because in a first love, you’d give anything for that person’s happiness to be everlasting. Even when it costs your own happiness. Even when you end up hurting yourself for caring too much. Which was what Nayeon did.
She only wanted for Jeongyeon to be happy, even if that happiness could not be with her.
The feeling from a first love never really goes away. It stays as a memory that will always hurt you or remind you of the pure and joyous feelings you once had. And her mind is flashing with all kinds of memories as her heart is trying to keep itself together.
“Why did you want to talk to me?”
Then Jeongyeon gazed right into her eyes and Nayeon’s breath got caught in her throat.
“I want to go back to the way we were,” She took a breath. Nayeon could tell she’s nervous. “I miss you.”
And Nayeon wanted to hug her so badly and forget where they were, everything that transpired between them, but life isn’t that simple. “We can’t, Jeongyeon. I don’t think we ever can.”
“I know I messed up. I think about how shitty I was to hurt you like that but Nayeon...I still--”
Nayeon raised a hand, motioning her to stop. “Do you even hear yourself? You broke up with me.”
“I know but I had to.”
“Because of your ex who you were so freaking in love with. I’m not like you, Jeongyeon.” It’s a lie because Nayeon was exactly in Jeongyeon’s position. A girl who was still in love with the one who broke her heart. “I don’t forgive easily.
“You’re much better than me.” she smiled sadly.
Nayeon had to know. She needed answers to the question that have been weighing down on her shoulders, on her mind for the past years. With all seriousness, she asked, “Did you ever love me? Or did you just use me to try and move on?”
“Of course, I loved you.”
Nayeon can’t deny that hearing that made her insides tingled but it’s not the specific answer she’s looking for. So she asked again, rephrasing the question, “But were you ever in love with me?”
This is when Jeongyeon’s face faltered. “...No…”
For the average person, this is probably their cue to leave and never turn back but for a reason she can’t pinpoint, Nayeon stayed. “Guess it makes sense why you went back to your ex.” she sighed.
Then, she is caught completely off guard when Jeongyeon lunged forward and wrapped her arms around her. This is a hug. Jeongyeon is hugging her and not a single instinct of Nayeon’s is telling her to pull away.
“When we were together, I wasn’t in love with you. So like an idiot I went back to my ex who only hurt me again. I couldn’t face you after that so I thought it was for the best that we never saw each other again,” By now Jeongyeon’s embrace is only tightening as if Nayeon would slip away once she loosened up. “But as time went by, I started missing you more than I could bear. I’d reminiscence in all the memories we had together, not just as best friends but as a couple. I would tell Jihyo how much I wanted to be back in your life and then she pointed something out. Want to know what it was?”
“I think you’ll tell me no matter what I say.”
“She started noticing the differences in my expressions when I talked about you.”
“What do you mean?”
“When we were still together, she said my eyes and smile were different. That they weren’t the kind that belonged to a person who was in love, just of someone doing their best. And it’s true, I was doing my best to be in love with you.”
Nayeon realized that Jeongyeon wasn’t letting go anytime soon so she chose to relax into her hold because it’s been too long since she’s been held by familiar arms that used to bring her so much peace and warmth. “What about after?”
“She told me this exactly, ‘You have the same look Nayeon has when she used to ramble about you ever since we were young.’ and then I realized what she meant.”
If it weren’t for Jeongyeon holding her up, keeping her anchored, she’d have stumbled to the ground or worse, run away. “Jeongyeon,” is all she managed to say because if she continued speaking her voice would tremble.
“I’m in love with you, Nayeon.”
If this were a movie, Nayeon would repeat the sentence back and they’d kiss and ride off into the sunset. But this was reality.
Nayeon pulled away from the hug. “Jeongyeon, why are you telling me this? Why now?”
“Because I needed to. Because Jihyo made me realize that this may be my only chance to tell you before it’s too late.”
Jihyo and her damn chances.
“Since I was eighteen, that’s all I’ve ever wanted to hear you say but now...It hurts to hear it.”
“I’m sorry,” Jeongyeon tentatively laid a palm on her cheek, her thumb gently caressing her skin.
“If you’re expecting me to just throw myself into your arms and take you back, then you’re damn wrong, Yoo Jeongyeon.”
Jeongyeon’s lips formed a smile. “I’m not expecting anything. Just wanted you to know.”
She could leave this instant. Nayeon could leave and choose to leave her first love as just that, her first. She shouldn’t even be having any considerations. Jeongyeon broke her heart, ruined her emotions, made her go through dark times. However, Jeongyeon also gave her the best days, the warmest hugs, an endless amount of care and attention.
Jeongyeon may have not been in love with her then but she never made Nayeon feel anything less than loved.
Giving Jeongyeon a long, real look, Nayeon finally saw what she’d been wanting since she was eighteen. In her eyes, in her small smile, in her fiddling hands, in the way she shifted from leaning on one foot to the other. She saw a person in love.
This was how Jeongyeon looked when she’s in love.
It’s a chance with a risk. A chance to let Jeongyeon in again. A risk to be hurt again.
“We start from the beginning. Blank slate.” Nayeon said, voice firm.
Jeongyeon’s face brightened as she nodded hastily. “Of course, I’ll do whatever.”
“I think we need to learn how to be friends again first and then we’ll see what happens after. If one of us is not feeling it anymore, we tell the other and decide together if we stay in each other’s life or not.”
Ground rules needed to be set. It was safer this way. Nayeon needed to draw a line before Jeonyeon thought she could walk wherever she pleased.
“Deal.”
Nayeon finally let herself grin. “Now, our best friend’s wedding isn’t over yet, so let’s haul our asses back in there and let loose.”
First loves weren’t perfect. They were beautiful but messy. They made you feel like you were on top of the world but could break you down in seconds. Not everyone had a chance of reuniting with their first love and even then, those who did weren’t promised a happy ending.
Nayeon’s first love, the girl she’d been in love with since she was eighteen, finally loved her back the same way. She doesn’t have expectations for it to be perfect or flawless but one thing she knows for sure is it won’t be difficult to fall into her love for Jeongyeon again.
After all, it’s not difficult to love someone when you’ve never stopped loving them in the first place.