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She was pacing.
Five steps to the left and then five to the right, the neverending cycle that she kept on repeating for two hours, unable to stop, even for just a moment. Karppi knew that her neighbors must have hated her right now, her heavy steps over their heads probably annoying the hell out of them, especially at this hour. But the truth was, that was the only thing that kept her mind occupied enough to stop her from reaching for a glass of vodka, the rhythmic sound of her feet against the floor soothing enough to stop the shaking of her hands, the steps she kept on counting making her busy enough to distract her from constantly looking at the phone screen when she was anxiously waiting for the call, the one that still didn't come.
She was never patient enough to just sit tight and wait, never the one to let other people dictate her life and tell her what she was supposed to do and what not. Yet here she was, stuck in her own apartment, anxiety eating her up from inside when she was literally just a few steps away from grabbing her phone and trying to call her or him, again.
Because they told her to go home.
Her daughter was at the police station as a suspect, probably being interrogated or worse, maybe they even meant to arrest her, hell, maybe they already did that.
And they told her to go home and wait .
Okay, maybe she was a bit too emotional when she stormed into the station and started shouting, demanding to see Henna. Maybe she acted a bit too rush when she threw a river of curse words at them when JP grabbed her gently under her arm and asked her to leave. Maybe she wasn't thinking at all when she called all of her colleagues idiots until she was finally forced to leave. With a frustrated sigh, Karppi finally stopped, burying hands into her hair and slowly moving them back, her eyes closed, when with that simple gesture she tried to calm her already shattered nerves.
Maybe she should have told h i m?
It's been hours since she saw him with Henna, leading her to the police car, hours since their eyes met for maybe a moment too long and hours since she came back home, alone, hurt, left with nothing but empty house, waiting for a call that maybe will never come.
She had experienced all kinds of emotions throughout those few hours. Shock and pain when she couldn't wrap her head around the fact that he would do that to her, that he would go behind her back and take Henna away. Yet it quickly turned into pure anger, driven by the fact that no one found appropriate to contact her, to tell her about the investigation, to even tell her how the hell was her daughter feeling. Anger, driven by the fact that he was the one who did this to her, to them . The sense of betrayal, the stab right into back, hurting more than anything else, when the person she had learned to trust the most in the world decided to throw it all away, keeping his secret, his actions from her.
She wanted to hate him for that.
Oh, just how much she wanted to. Because hating him would make all of this much easier when she wouldn't have to be conflicted between waiting not only for a phone call from her daughter but also from him.
But the worst thing was this almost numb acceptance, the final realization that she knew damn well why did he do that. Because frankly, being in his place? She would probably do the same thing. She was never the one to back up from the hard choice, never the one who let feelings take over her decisions, never the one that would let her heart speak louder than her head and common sense.
At least that's what she had always thought.
Until it turned out it was about her family. Because it was hard. Hard to balance her work and sense of duty when it came to her family. Because how could she stay faithful to her ideals, how could she stand her ground as a police officer if it meant losing her daughter forever? No matter how much she didn't want to admit that, when it came to that case she was biased, letting her feelings conceal the fact what was the right thing to do.
Maybe she should thank him.
Thank him for making the hard choice for her, be grateful that it wasn't her who had to be the bearer of the bad news, that it wasn't her who had to decide. Yet no matter how much she tried to justify that, no matter how much she wanted to believe that he did it all in good faith, no matter how strongly she understood his motives - it still hurt.
It hurt to be betrayed by the person she cared so much for.
Yes, she cared for him.
More than she should care for the person that was just a co-worker, maybe even more than one should care for a friend. It took her a while to understand that, an even longer while to realize what was this weird feeling that she felt, this pleasant warmth spreading across her chest when he was around. And yet, she still had a hard time properly naming it, finding the right words to define what was between the two of them.
She was so ready to dive right into it, let the current swipe her away, she was more than ready to let things just slowly work out between the two of them, giving it space and time, wondering where it would take them. She remembered how giddy she felt in the morning,preparing him coffee, how strangely excited for yet another day with him, the first time in forever having nothing to worry about, case closed, murderer caught, and a chance for them. She still remembered the crazy beating of her heart when she was leaning towards him and the pain of rejection, the embarrassment when he turned his face away, her lips meant to kiss his barely brushing skin on his cheek. And the blessing of a phone call, interrupting this awkward moment.
Was it why he didn't kiss her in the morning? Did he already know he was going to arrest Henna and the thought of kissing her seemed inappropriate? Or maybe he figured that out? Figured out that she knew all along and that she refused to share the secret with him?
She regretted it now. She truly did.
But the truth was that she was scared. Scared that he will insist on bringing Henna to justice, insist on dealing with the situation like the police officer should, that he will remind her about her duties and make keeping this secret even harder.
Guess he did that after all, huh?
She looked at her phone again, it's smooth shape laying on the table so close to her, almost asking to be picked up. It would take almost no effort at all, just one movement, her hand reaching out towards it, fingers closing around it before finding the proper contact in the list of saved numbers, and a simple press of her thumb, making the call. A simple gesture, the easiest cooperation between her will and the muscles in her body, yet at the same time the scariest and hardest thing she could think of.
Yet before she had a chance to turn her urge into action, before she finally found the courage to do this one thing that scared her the most, she suddenly heard it.
Knocking to the door, so silent that she needed a moment to realize that it wasn't just her imagination. Without thinking, without questioning who could that be at this hour, she numbly went to the door and opened them.
This weird excitement she felt at the sight of Nurmi quickly turned into an uneasy pit in her stomach, his serious gaze being a reminder of what had happened just hours ago, his presence being so welcomed but at the same time the last thing she wanted to deal with at this moment.
"You knew, didn't you?" He asked, without greeting, going straight into the business.
And she knew what he was asking her about. She could simply tell that by the look he was giving her, his eyes unreadable, his gaze maybe just a bit too intense, his body maybe a bit too tense, all of the signs being an indication that now he knew her secret.
The one she regretted keeping from him.
Karppi didn't say anything. Instead, she just stepped to the side and turned around, wrapping her arms around herself in the weakest try of comfort, her gesture being the only invitation for him she could manage to show. She heard the sound of the door being closed, she heard his slow footsteps when he approached her and then silence, thick, heavy, uncomfortable silence, filled with all of their secrets, filled with all the unspoken words.
"You knew all along. You knew what Henna did." This time it wasn't a question, it was a statement when he approached her, his eyes never leaving her face, when he was looking at her intensively, desperately searching for an answer, a confirmation to something he had feared.
She sighed, heavily, almost like the burden of the whole world was on her arms, and at that moment he understood that she did, her sigh and her gaze, averting his, being all confirmation he needed and the only one he was going to get.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Another question escaping his lips when he took a step closer towards her.
And that's when she understood.
She understood that he was as hurt as she was. For the whole evening she was trying to justify his actions, find an explanation behind his betrayal, trying to come up with anything that would make her forget just how much his secret hurt her. And only now, when he was standing in front of her, only now when his eyes were refusing to look back, hiding so many conflicted emotions, only then she realized that she had a secret to keep from him as well.
A secret that hurt as much as his.
"Look..." She sighed heavily, once again. "I don't expect you to understand..."
"Oh no, I do understand. Everything." He scoffed, shaking his head. "Apparently, even after everything we've been through you still don't trust me enough, huh?"
"It's not about that..."
"Oh, no? So what is it?"
"Henna is my daughter. I had to protect her, at all costs. Even if it meant hiding the truth from you." For the first time since he came, she dared to look into his eyes.
"You should have told me. Hell, you should have come straight to the station and brought her to the questioning!"
"Just like you did?" She raised an eyebrow at him, words leaving her lips before she realized what she was going to say.
He was taken aback by her forwardness and his once opened mouth closed.
"I don't regret what I did. If I had to, I would do it again." He said after a moment, dead serious, his voice calm, filled with no emotions at all, almost like he was reciting something from memory to her.
"Just like I don't regret keeping this from you!" She snapped, her voice rising dangerously, yet for now just oh so slightly. "We don't always see eye to eye with Henna but I would protect her no matter what! She's my family!"
"But you're a police officer! What the hell were you thinking? That you will hide the truth forever? Swipe everything under the carpet? It was your duty to bring her in!"
"And what? Be the one responsible for arresting my own daughter!?"
"Yes! Everything would be better than pampering with the investigation like you did!"
"Pampering with the... I simply wanted to protect my family!"
"You've withheld information crucial for the investigation!"
"I made a decision. I still stand by it." Her voice was hard now.
"Tell me, Karppi, was it worth it? Was risking your whole career to hide the truth worth it?"
"It was for her! And the thing is that it was not any of your damn business, Nurmi. She is my daughter and that was between the two of us.”
„Your daughter, huh? So tell me, did you know anything about her being monitored by the drug department? Did you know about her little job to earn some money? Did you have any idea what was she doing when you weren't around?"
„How dare you!" Karppi's eyes narrowed dangerously when she took a step towards him. „You are afraid of raising a son and you think you're entitled to giving me advice on how to raise my child!?"
„This is not what I meant...” Nurmi sighed, rubbing his forehead.
„Really? No, please, be my guest! You think I'm a bad mother, huh? Working too hard, spending nights at work instead of sitting at home with my children?”
„Karppi...”
"You think I don't feel bad about not noticing the change in her behavior!? You think I don't wake up with guilt, eating me up from inside, thinking that I should have known!? You think it's easy for me to know that my daughter would rather call you when she was in trouble than her own mother!? You think I don't blame myself!? That I don't feel guilty? Thinking that I should have seen the signs? That I just should have known? That if I'd realize earlier that she has a problem, if I'd stop her from those drugs, then she would never be on that ferry, she would never have to hurt him?"
„Hey, stop!” In just a few steps Nurmi was right in front of her, placing his hands on her shoulder. „None of this what happened was your fault, okay?”
„You know what?” She suddenly took an abrupt step back, swatting his hands away and freeing herself from his grip. „You are right. It isn't my fault. It's yours!”
„Karppi...”
„Me being a bad mother is not the point!” She threw her hands in the air with frustration. „The point is that you kept the truth from me!”
„And you did the same thing to me! Do you think it didn't affect me? At all?" He took a step back from her, almost like the bigger distance between the two of them would calm down all the emotions they were dealing with right now.
„I was protecting Henna! I failed her. I failed her so many times that keeping her secret was the least I could have done!”
„And I was protecting you!" He suddenly grabbed her arms, his eyes searching hers almost desperately. „I was making the hard decision for you because I knew you could never do this to her!" His hands dropped down when he sighed. „And I won't apologize for what I did."
"I know. And I don't expect that. I just... I just... I just wish you'd have told me..."
"What would it change?"
"Everything! You are my partner! My friend! You're even..." She bit her tongue in the last moment, before saying just a bit too much then she meant to. „Does that mean nothing to you? Was one minor inconvenience enough for you to just forget about all of it?"
Nurmi opened his mouth and then closed them, his expression softening visibly, his frown smoothening when he took a step closer towards her.
„Sofia...”
„Oh, don't 'Sofia' me!" She swatted away his hand when he tried to reach out to her, ignoring this weird feeling that spread across her chest at the sound of her name on his lips. „I trusted you, Nurmi. I trusted you with my life! And now?" She spread her arms, almost helplessly, words failing her when with embarrassment she felt tears gathering in her eyes, threatening to spill.
He must have seen them too because he suddenly came even closer, reaching out to her, his hands gently grabbing her face, raising it slightly.
She should have pushed him away, she should have just take a step back, free herself from his grip and tell him to leave. But the warmth of his hands against her skin was so comforting, so familiar, so... good, that against all of her reasonable thinking she allowed him, leaning into his touch, her eyes closing and first tear streaming down her face.
She tried to turn her face away, wanting to hide from his gaze, wanting to hide those damned tears, the vulnerability she hated to show, especially now, in front of him when he was partially the reason behind it.
Yet he didn't let her, his grip too strong to let her move, keeping her face in one place, right where he wanted it to be. And then his hand moved, his thumb wiping away the tear from her cheek, the gesture so gentle, so tender, she barely registered it at first.
„Sofia...” He whispered her name once again, almost like a prayer, almost like calling her by her first name would change something, almost like with that simple thing he'd like to tell her so much.
"I think you should go." She blurted out, the first thing that came to her mind.
But who was she trying to fool? Frankly, it was the last thing she wanted, his presence way too familiar, way too comforting in those strange ways she couldn't explain. And he must have sensed it, her voice too silent, her words too unconvincing, her eyes refusing to meet his when she spoke the only thing she could have thought of.
He didn't move, at all, still staying in the same place, standing his ground, his body too close and yet too far away at the same time. Suddenly there was nothing left to say, not a word of apology that would be enough to make up for what he had done, not a word of comfort from her to assure him that not everything was lost yet. He didn't say anything, their breaths still heavy from the fight they just had, yet their eyes locked onto each other, refusing to look back.
And there it was again.
That look.
The same one he gave her at the docks, right before he decided to grab her face into his hands and kiss her. His eyes were moving across her face, up and down, clearly hesitating, looking into her eyes, just to drop again and stop at her lips, the inner battle raging inside of him, two sides of the same men fighting, heart against the rational brain and one of those sides was losing and was losing fast.
Karppi could see his Adam's apple bob when he swallowed hard, his lips parting, just so slightly, almost like he was ready to say something, his sight dropping down yet again, his gaze almost burning that one spot on her lips he refused to look away from.
And then he took a step forward.
Part of her wanted to give in. Give in to her own temptations, untamed cravings of her own longing heart. Because after all, how hard was to simply lean towards him? How hard was closing this almost non-existing gap between their lips? How hard would it be to wrap her arms around his neck, letting herself feel like she hasn't in a long time? How wrong would it be to admit that after everything that had happened, she still wanted him, maybe even more than ever?
He was standing right in front of her now, within the reach of her hand yet still far enough, almost like he was trying to give her the free choice, almost like he was telling her that it was up to her, it was her choice and she still had a way out.
Yet against her better judgment, against the rational part of her brain, against all the hurt and pain that was still lurking inside her heart, refusing to go away, she took a step towards him. She looked up, her eyes meeting with his, a silent question in his gaze, and a sheer determination in hers.
And then he spoke her name again.
Yet this time her name on his lips sounded different, more softly, more tenderly, almost like he was trying to learn the sound of it, tasting how it sounded on his tongue. Her lips parted slightly, a ragged breath escaping them when she felt his breath, so warm, brushing her mouth when he leaned down even closer. His eyes seemed almost black in her dim apartment, yet the intensity of his gaze was still very clear, sending shivers down her spine.
She could barely stand the anticipation when his hand placed on her left cheek and his face got even closer, their breaths mixing. And after what felt like an eternity she heard him whispering her name again and his lips finally touched hers. Her mouth moved against his, eagerly answering his kisses, their lips meeting slowly, again and again, when they were taking their time, tasting, touching, kissing, hands reaching out to each other when they wanted to close every existing space between their bodies. His arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her even closer, when she threw her hands and put them behind his neck, her fingers tangling into his hair.
But then he grew urgent.
His lips demanded more, pressing into hers with bigger hunger, a hunger that he could never fully satisfy, wanting only more of her. It was madness, they both knew that. It was crazy that they were here, wrapped into each other's embraces like lovers; it was madness that instead of stopping this, they were still going on, unable to stop, still unsatisfied, still hungry for more.
Until they finally parted.
Breathless, gasping for air, their chest heaving with the rhythm of their heavy breaths. Yet they still refused to let go, bodies closed in a comforting embrace, eyes searching for each other, at this moment those simple gazes telling more than words ever could. And just when Karppi thought that Nurmi was going to kiss her again, he leaned down, pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead instead.
"I'll fix it." He whispered against her skin, his lips lingering in this one place maybe for a moment too long before he took a step back. „I promise.”
Their eyes met, one more time and then he simply turned around, ready to leave, just like she had asked him to. And suddenly Karppi realized that she refuses to let him go, not yet, still uncertain, her racing heart wanting one more reassurance that it wasn't how they were meant to finish things.
She reached out to him, almost desperately, placing her hand on his shoulder, a simple gesture, yet the one that suddenly froze him in one place. Without a word she let her fingers linger there before she slowly moved them down, across his arm and lower, each stroke more deliberate, more confident until she finally reached his wrist, her fingertips brushing the skin there before slowly slipping inside the warm inner side of his palm. For a moment he kept on standing still, no movement at all until suddenly it seemed like he understood, he understood her intentions, a silent question she was shyly asking him and he turned around, facing her again.
With a half-smile he laced his fingers with hers, squeezing her hand gently, a gesture that was meant as a reassurance, a silent promise they gave to each other, an oath, that it wasn't over yet.
It will take time.
It will take time to fully trust each other again, time to forget about the secrets they both chose to keep from one another, time to move on, and give each other another chance. And when she was looking at him, her hand still in his, when with last smile he reluctantly decided to finally let go, when he eventually left, the door behind him closing softly, when she realized that she is already missing him, that's when she knew.
That after all.
It will be worth it.