Work Text:
Suzaku glanced in the mirror and didn’t like what he saw.
His pristine Knight of Honor uniform was uncomfortably loose and still in the process of being fitted, but that wasn’t what made his throat dry and cracking with suppressed sobs.
It was Euphy’s pin upon his left breast that made him want to throw the clothes on the floor and then climb out of his own skin if possible, just to get relief from the disloyalty sitting heavy in his stomach. His feelings churned along with his lunch. As his sleeves were pinned, all he could remember was a boyhood promise.
“You’ll become emperor, Lelouch, and I’ll be your knight!”
Suzaku’s heart clenched with longing beneath the damned pin.
“It looks lovely,” Cecile said, clapping politely in the background. “Once it’s tailored, you’re sure to be dashing!”
On autopilot, Suzaku nodded. He was growing weary of being prepped for his knighthood ceremony, especially with that promise tugging at his thoughts and his desires stretching back to Ashford Academy. Well, to one particular person there. His heart beat faster and he wanted more than anything to leave, to return to Lelouch’s side where he felt safest, but he knew the tight schedule he was expected to keep. After all, it wouldn’t do for the first Numbered Knight to display even the smallest imperfection on an international live broadcast.
“We’ll have to do dress rehearsal without the dress,” Lloyd said in singsong, shooing the tailor away. “Lord Guilford is already waiting on us.”
Suzaku hung his head and carefully withheld a sigh. As he shrugged off his fancy clothes, he couldn’t help but imagine how it would feel to shrug off this life and exchange it for the one he really wanted.
-+-
Bracing himself, Suzaku knocked on the door to the Lamperouge suite and leaned over to catch his breath from the gymnastics he’d had to perform to make it this far. It had been barely a day since he’d been outed as the pilot of the Lancelot—and since Euphy had publicly declared him to be her upcoming personal knight—and now that he was finally free of his scheduled preparatory activities, people in the community were taking favorable notice of him. As if they’d always been his fans, instead of having spat at him all along just for being an Eleven.
Suzaku didn’t want anything to do with them.
Only—
Suddenly, after a long moment of hanging suspense, Lelouch was peering at Suzaku through the crack of an open door with a hard, calculating gaze. “Yes?”
“I-it’s me,” Suzaku said, unnecessarily. He straightened, hopeful. His imagination was finally springing to life, and he drank in Lelouch’s presence like salve to a wound.
Lelouch laughed, though the humor was distinctly gone from his voice. “I see that. What do you want, Suzaku?”
Blinking rapidly at his best friend’s odd mannerisms, feeling like something vital inside was stuttering to an awkward halt, Suzaku finally managed, “…To talk?”
Sighing, Lelouch opened the door fully. “Come in.” He stepped back, allowing Suzaku entry, but his gaze flicked from side to side. “Let’s go to my room for privacy.”
Suzaku nodded wordlessly, raking his eyes over Lelouch’s figure. Heart thumping, Suzaku felt worry crease his forehead. Lelouch looked—defeated, somehow, like he was barely holding himself together. His violet eyes had lost the spark that Suzaku was so accustomed to seeing lately, especially when they were alone.
Worry growing, Suzaku chewed his lip all the way to Lelouch’s room. He’d come to apologize for keeping his piloting a secret—Lelouch certainly deserved better—but hadn’t Lelouch had something important to tell him earlier? It really must have been important, to have such an effect…
Lelouch swirled around and collapsed on the edge of his bed. His fingers clutched his bedspread, and he couldn’t meet Suzaku’s eyes as he said listlessly, “Okay then, talk.”
Suzaku lowered himself gingerly next to Lelouch, making the bed dip under his weight. He looked around, idly taking note of Lelouch’s neat and organized room—almost too put-together, like it was either a front or a life sucked dry. He wet his lips and glanced at Lelouch out the corner of his eye, instinctively putting Lelouch’s needs above his own. “…You said you had something important to discuss.”
Lelouch waved it off, his arm swooping in his trademark melodramatic fashion. “It’s not relevant anymore. Anything else?”
Frowning, Suzaku swallowed down questions and offered instead, “I’m sorry.”
At that, Lelouch’s eyes finally snapped to his. “Come again?”
“I’m sorry,” Suzaku repeated, his heart pounding erratically. He held Lelouch’s serious gaze. Casting his mind for the right words, he added slowly, “I know it must have come as a shock to you: finding out, especially like this, that I’ve been piloting all this time.”
The room seemed to grow bigger, or had the space between them grown smaller?
Lelouch nodded quickly, emotion flooding his violet eyes.
Suzaku sighed in relief at the breakthrough, and his life suddenly lurched forward again.
“You could have been hurt—or worse,” Lelouch said with a shudder. He sat up straighter, breathing a little heavier, and his voice was ragged when he next spoke. “I could have lost you. Again.”
With overwhelming fondness flooding every cell of his body, Suzaku grinned and nudged Lelouch’s shoulder with his own. “Nah, I’m too skilled.”
“This isn’t funny!” Lelouch hissed, jerking away. He hung his head, mumbling, “Suzaku, you…”
“You’re right,” Suzaku sighed, mirroring Lelouch’s actions. “I was just trying to lighten the mood. You’re so tense, Lelouch. Did something happen?”
Lelouch’s eyes widened with incredulity. “Did something happen?” he repeated, his voice pitching high. “You mean aside from finding out you have a dangerous double life? That you’ve been lying to me about your place in the military—assuring me that you were safe?” He shook his head, black bangs swinging from the motion. The bedspread scrunched under his now wildly twitching fingers. “And then, to top it off, you’re going to be her knight…”
Suzaku’s heart thumped even more wildly in his ribcage, and the air crackled with the thus-far ignored ‘something’ that had been growing between them ever since they’d first reunited in the Shinjuku subway tunnels. “That’s what this is really about, isn’t it?” he asked softly, scooching closer until his thigh pressed warmly against Lelouch’s.
Breath hitching, Lelouch looked down and then back up. “Yes,” he murmured, his voice a hoarse whisper. “I admit it, Suzaku. I—I’m jealous, okay?”
Suzaku just stared at Lelouch, willing him to continue. It was what he’d hoped to hear, but never had he thought Lelouch would openly own up to it. His blood rushed in his ears. His boyhood promise looped yet again in his mind, layering atop Lelouch’s matching wish.
“I always imagined you’d be my knight,” Lelouch continued, his voice still hitching. “And with the way things were going between us, I thought…I thought…”
Suzaku’s heart cracked a little at the normally masked vulnerability in Lelouch’s tone, on his face. Hesitantly putting his hand atop Lelouch’s, Suzaku leaned closer and pressed the real issue. “I love you, Lelouch.” They’d never spoken the words, never acted on them, but they’d been dancing around a relationship for months and they both knew they were inevitable. “Nothing’s changed.”
Lelouch flipped his hand so he could slide his fingers between Suzaku’s. “I love you too, Suzaku.”
Suzaku’s heart soared higher than he’d ever thought possible—
“But I can’t watch you commit yourself to someone else.”
—before crashing into a twisted lump of broken feelings at their feet.
Swallowing thickly, Suzaku squeezed Lelouch’s hand and pointed out, “It’s for work. Despite any rumors you might hear, there’s nothing going on between me and Euphy. We’re just friends.”
Lelouch relaxed slightly at the promise, and he leaned further into Suzaku’s space. “Miracles do exist,” he said with a low, slightly less hollow laugh. “But still, think of the time and energy you’d need to put into being her knight. It’s not just some regular day job, Suzaku. It’s—not only most of your time, but, you have to be willing to give your life for her.” Exhaling sharply, raising his chin, he added, “And if we’re going to be together, then I deserve better than to just wait on the sidelines for you.”
Mulling over Lelouch’s points, giving them due consideration, Suzaku breathed out slowly through his nose. His shoulders slumped, and he realized anew just why Lelouch had looked so defeated earlier. Suzaku struggled against the bitter truth, fighting against the odds in his idealistic dreams. Lelouch was right. Knighthood was a huge responsibility, requiring extraordinary dedication and discipline. The lifestyle of a Britannian knight wouldn’t mesh well with that of a devoted boyfriend a world apart.
Especially considering Lelouch’s concealed connection to this whole affair.
“I wish I could give you everything,” Lelouch said after a moment of heavy silence. “You deserve all the honor and recognition for your accomplishments. If I wasn’t in hiding…”
“Don’t even think it,” Suzaku warned, brushing his thumb gently across Lelouch’s knuckles. “I would never ask you to reveal yourself for my sake.”
Lelouch leaned his temple against Suzaku’s. “And however much my heart begs, I can’t ask you to give up knighthood for me, just because I’m not the lucky royal.” He lowered his eyes. “I’m sorry for bringing all this up.”
“No, we needed to have this conversation,” Suzaku assured him, breathing in Lelouch’s scent. His eyes fell to half-mast. A feeling of ‘home’ settled around him and he nudged his face closer, his voice raspy with raw truth as he added, “And to be honest, I’d rather be yours.”
Finally—finally—Lelouch kissed him.
-+-
Wrapped in Lelouch’s arms that night, mind racing but heart at peace, Suzaku made his decision.
-+-
“I’m honored that you chose me,” Suzaku said, steeling himself to look Euphy in the eyes. However strongly he believed that he’d made the right choice in the end, it still hurt that he had to disappoint a friend to follow his heart. Squaring his shoulders, he loudly proclaimed, “But I respectfully decline.”
Euphy gaped at him, her mouth opening and closing wordlessly.
Suzaku honestly couldn’t say he blamed her.
Viceroy Cornelia dropped her pen, her jaw working soundlessly in an almost-comical identical expression of pure shock. Lord Guilford’s eyes stretched wide behind his glasses.
“You decline?” General Darlton repeated from his spot behind the Viceroy, sounding a mixture of relieved and scandalized. “Princess Euphemia has offered you the opportunity of a lifetime, and you—”
“That’s enough,” Viceroy Cornelia cut in, glaring daggers at her chief military advisor. “If Kururugi doesn’t want knighthood, then so be it.” She retrieved her pen as if the matter were settled and she had more important matters to worry about. All things considered, knowing her political stance, she was most likely happy that she could promote Britannian superiority through this turn of events.
Suzaku swallowed. Hard. He was giving up one dream to chase another. He shivered. The government office felt so cold and alien. He wished he were back with Lelouch, but he had a responsibility to at least end his proffered knighthood the right way. If there even was a right way to handle this kind of situation. (Though Suzaku doubted it.)
Euphy finally found her voice. “Do you believe you’re unworthy? Because I assure you—"
Suzaku hurriedly shook his head, anticipating what his kind and generous friend would say, and cut in before the cogs in his brain ground to a halt in belated realization—that while it was in poor taste to throw an impossible honor back at Britannian royalty’s feet, it was added insult to injury to then interrupt the princess who’d spat on her heritage’s centuries-old practice of discrimination just to reward his skill with status. “No, that’s not it.” Suzaku took another deep breath, finding courage in the memory of Lelouch’s eyes. “There’s been another…development…in my life, and I’ve had to think long and hard about what kind of future I want for myself. I finally made my decision, and now I’m following through.”
“Another development?” Lord Guilford echoed, narrowing his eyes. “Are you deflecting from the Britannian military to join Zero?”
Biting back a gasp at the utter absurdity of that notion, even with the niggling suspicion in the back of his brain, Suzaku firmly jerked his head. “Of course not! It’s just…” He looked to the ground, wondering how to word his situation. Brow furrowing, he finally lifted his head and continued, stilted, “There’s this…boy…from school.” His gaze darted between everyone in the room, begging them to understand. “He’s my best friend. I’m…in love with him.”
Viceroy Cornelia groaned under her breath.
Suzaku took another moment to recapture some air for his aching lungs. “I know now…he loves me, too.”
Euphy smiled, though sadness seemed to tug at the corners of her lips.
With his own hesitant smile, Suzaku continued, “I know I can’t utterly devote myself to both him and you, Princess. It wouldn’t be fair or right for me to become your knight if my whole heart wasn’t in it.” His words rolling faster now that he’d started, he blurted, “And if I have to choose which person to commit myself to for life, then…”
“Then you choose him,” Euphy finished softly. “I understand, Suzaku.”
Suzaku nodded, his movements still jerky from nerves. “I just want a lowkey life with the guy I love. I have no intentions of offending you.”
“Wait,” Lord Guilford said, his face flabbergasted. “You’re giving up the historical honor of becoming the first Numbered Knight…for a high school boyfriend?”
Face taut with determination, Suzaku nodded once. Surety rooted him to the floor, love washing over his entire being. “He’s everything to me. It’s not just some high school fling. It’s ‘forever.’”
Princess Cornelia and Lord Guilford shared a highly skeptical glance. General Darlton looked bemused.
“Is he worth giving up everything you’ve worked for?” Lord Guilford asked, still obviously trying to wrap his head around the truth.
Suzaku nodded again. Becoming Euphy’s knight would make only his own life better; with Lelouch’s gentle yet cutting insight, as he’d tenderly brushed Suzaku’s bangs off his forehead while they’d cuddled in the low lamplight, Suzaku understood now that not all Elevens would be allowed to rise up in society just because he did. He would be Britannia’s token gesture, but being Euphy’s Knight of Honor would never spark real social change. So then the real question became: Was being with the love of his life worth giving up his own status, as transparently symbolic as it may have been? “Always.”
“Then you must follow your heart,” Euphy said, leaning forward, her lavender eyes shining with earnest sincerity. “I’m not offended. In fact, I’m sorry for putting you in an awkward situation where you had to choose…”
Suzaku’s whole body loosened with Euphy’s easy acceptance. “It’s all right. Again, I truly am honored…” He faltered, again looking around the room.
Maybe Euphy had the right idea about jumping out of windows.
General Darlton stepped forward, his normally stern face cracking into a small smile. “Kururugi, upon reflection, I think it shows maturity that you’re thinking about what you want out of life and weighing your options so carefully. At least you’re coming to us now instead of after being sworn into knighthood.”
Suzaku nodded, relief and gratitude rushing over him. General Darlton had given him the benefit of the doubt before, too. “Thank you, sir. I appreciate your understanding.”
“Then it’s settled,” Viceroy Cornelia said, unable to control the glee in her voice. “Euphy will have to pick someone else as her personal knight. Kururugi, you’re dismissed.”
Suzaku had never been so happy to flee the Britannian Government Bureau, just as he’d longed to do all of yesterday.
Maybe getting the life he actually wanted wasn’t so impossible after all.
-+-
“I did it!” Suzaku declared, flinging open the door to the Student Council room.
Lelouch glanced up from a stack of papers. He was mercifully the only one in the room, because Suzaku didn’t have the emotional energy to explain himself to the rest of the Student Council at that very moment. Lelouch tilted his head, looking quite charming, and prodded, “You did what?”
Beaming, Suzaku rushed forward and gathered Lelouch into his arms. Heart soaring, he spun Lelouch around, giggling like mad. Papers went flying everywhere, but neither paid attention to the mess. “I told them I couldn’t be Euphy’s knight.”
Lelouch inhaled sharply, letting himself be spun—which in itself was major—his face suddenly glowing. “Suzaku…”
“I choose a future with you,” Suzaku said solemnly, putting Lelouch down only to steal a quick kiss. Papers fluttered around them. “We have something special, Lelouch, and I can’t wait to see where it leads us.”
Lelouch went slack-jawed with awe. “I can’t believe you chose me…”
“Why not?” Suzaku asked, mock-offended, quirking one eyebrow. “You’ve always been most important to me. I thought you knew that.”
Nodding robotically, Lelouch knelt to idly retrieve a single piece of paper from the now-covered floor. “Yes, but to actually give up knighthood?”
“Didn’t we go over this already?” Suzaku asked, rolling his eyes. He knelt also, getting on Lelouch’s level, and grasped Lelouch’s hands securely in his own. The paper trembled in Lelouch’s grasp, and Suzaku stroked both thumbs softly across the tops of Lelouch’s hands in soothing circles. “We both want to be together more than anything. Last night proved that. I’m gaining a lot more than I’m losing here.”
Lelouch cocked his head again, looking thoughtful—his standard expression, only tinged with more warmth than usual. “I just don’t want to get in your way.”
Suzaku’s eyes misted slightly. “You are my way, Lelouch.”
Lelouch glanced down, looking up through his bangs coyly as his lips curled into a resigned grin. “…I can’t even get mad at you for being a sap.”
“Lucky me,” Suzaku joked, keeping his eyes from rolling again with great effort. “Are you ready?”
Lelouch looked adorably perplexed. “For what?”
“For us,” Suzaku said, standing and drawing Lelouch to his feet—before stealing another longer, deeper, messier kiss.
Lelouch’s eyes shimmered with feeling once they finally pulled back, the paper now crumpled from where he’d clutched Suzaku’s shoulder through it. He looked absolutely radiant, such a far cry from the mess he’d been the previous night. “Suzaku, I’ve never been more ready for anything in my life.”
Holding Lelouch close, Suzaku breathed in deeply. Giddiness washed over him from his scalp to the tips of his toes. For the first time in forever, he felt the freedom of choosing his own path—of advocating for his own happiness.
Their future looked bright and promising indeed, and Suzaku finally felt he was where he needed to be—by Lelouch’s side, with nothing in their way.