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Jungwoo's POV

"Jungwoo, how long have we been dating?" Mingyu asks me. I don't answer. Today we're in a coffee shop and he's wearing a dress shirt. It barely fits him and it looks like his chest is about to burst but he likes stuff like that. He likes to look strong. He likes to look sexy.

That's the reason I stick with him, I guess.

"Why are you suddenly asking that," I mumble, taking a sip from the cup in front of me filled with coffee. We go to this coffee shop all the time. Doesn't matter what matter we have, it's always this. Coffee shop. He orders Americano, I order Cappuccino. Then we talk. About whatever.

It's not serious.

It's just us.

That's what makes me and Mingyu different. I don't understand him, but he's always there even though he doesn't understand me. It's like two people speaking different languages struggling to communicate.

"We're not dating." I set things straight, making sure to make a sound when I put my cup back on its plate. "You think just because we slept together and I agree to hang out with you, we're together? Don't joke around, you know who I am."

My name is Kim Jungwoo. And I have many men up my sleeve. There's this junior in my department called Rowoon and he comes running whenever I call. There was this hot guy who hangs out at the club called Lucas who is always down to come over. There's this Accounting student called Doyoung who is obviously whipped for me. And that's just counting 3 of them, there is so much more.

It's not that I'm a gold digger, no. I don't need money. All I need is that thrill, that feeling of being loved by multiple people, knowing you have control. Knowing the choices are limitless. That's what I like.

But Kim Mingyu feels it isn't what I should like.

"Then was all this just a hook up to you, Kim Jungwoo?" he asked. At this point there is almost no expression in his face. Disappointed, but not surprised. He's made it this far. We've had these kind of conversations before. The kind where he wonders, and I shut him down. Then he just acts like it never happened and continues. Persistent. His trademark trait. Hot, but persistent.

Clearly he doesn't know how to have fun.

I met him in the same cafe we always go to. He used to work part time here and I was just rejecting this boy who was confessing to me. It was a sunny day, but not for that boy. To him it felt like the whole world needed to rain and sympathize with him.

"So you like me?" I asked him. He nodded, expectant of my answer. But all I could do was lip my licks and give him an apologetic look. "I know I'm good looking, but sorry honey. You're not my type."

He didn't seem to take that lightly. He started questioning why I go with everyone, why I go with all kinds of men but not him. Was it because he was chubby? Was it because he liked anime? Was it because he wasn't good looking? When in fact I didn't even know any of those facts before that. I simply rejected him because he wasn't my type. That was all there is to it.

"Jeez, you don't have to overreact." I started to scowl at how noisy he was getting. In the end I got up in attempts to end the conversation right there. "There are plenty of fish in the sea, so have a nice time moving on. Though I know there aren't much people out there better than me."

And then he picked up his coffee cup, and spilled it on my face. It stung. It felt like I was burning, and it was humiliating because he did that in public. But instead I closed my eyes and sighed. "This is just the downside of being good looking, isn't it? Granted, you yourself will never experience something like this so don't worry about it ever happening to you."

"WHY?!" he screamed, throwing the cup at the floor and I watched as it broke into pieces. One of them accidentally hit my hand, causing a cut. "You dirty little whore, WHY?! You spend months tormenting me, seducing me, only to say you don't want me like this?! How dare you?!"

Dirty little whore. Huh. If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me that I'd be a billionaire.

"I don't even know who you are, mister," I addressed him. He laughed and just put his hands on his hips, like it's my fault I'm so good looking. "Oh, now you're playing this game? NOW you're playing this game, this little 'oh, why are you doing this you fucking stalker' game!" He said. I glanced at everyone else in the shop and they all seemed scared of the situation.

"I never called you a stalker."

"YOU'RE CERTAINLY ACTING LIKE I AM! Don't look at me like I'm a creep, because I AM NOT A CREEP!" he kicked the chair, making it crash on the table which then sent the plates flying, all breaking around me. I covered my bleeding hand with the other. The police would get him. They would get him real soon. "Are you gonna say anything?" he asked.

I didn't.

"ARE YOU?!" he picked up a vase and tried to throw it at me, until an employee with a tall figure and tan skin wearing an apron entered the scene, grabbing his wrist before he could throw the vase at me.

It was Mingyu. 

"I believe that's enough. This is a public place, and you're disrupting other people's business here," he warned him. "I already called the police, so unless you want more trouble, leave this man alone."

"You bastard, who the hell do you think you are to meddle into our business-" he was cut off as Mingyu kicked him with his knee on the stomach. 

"Who do I think I am?" he huffed, making the guy sit down. "I'm a part time worker, and if I want my work shift to be peace and quiet then it better be peace and quiet."

I licked my lips as I watched him roughly make the guy stay in place.

He was a piece of meat I wanted to add to my collection.

"What was it to you? Love?" I snort. Why love? Why must I stick to one person? I'd rather have fun and be able to choose one person every day. Either way everybody leaves. There's just no point, once something gets old, then you have to replace it with something new.

Mingyu didn't laugh at my statement. These days, he never laughs. But back in the day, he always would.

After the police took him away, he brought me to the worker room so he could look at my bleeding hand. "Oh damn, luckily it's not a deep cut," he said to me. He got his first aid kit and started treating it, but I didn't pay any attention to what he was doing and stared at his face.

Such chiseled features. Dreamy eyes, broad shoulders and thick thighs. I wanted to sit on his face right then and there. "By the way, if you feel taken aback by a stranger suddenly giving you medical treatment, I'm Kim Mingyu," he said. "Better to be familiar with someone who saved you and healed you."

I could see it on his name tag. Kim Mingyu, right there. "How about you? What's your name?" he asked. I couldn't answer for the time being. Kim Mingyu, huh. He certainly did look like his name. The type of romantic guy who makes girls' hearts swoon. The type of guy you'd want to wake up next to, and then he'd sweep you off your feet and bring you to the breakfast table. The type of guys who's good in character.. and in bed.

Everyone knows I only focused on one trait there.

"Those type of guys are bad news. Good thing you knew to reject him," he kept talking anyway, despite my lack of participation in this conversation. "Sorry that you had to get hurt. It must've hurt, didn't it?"

It must've hurt more when he fell from heaven. Too bad. Those from hell are hot but those from heaven are a bigger temptation. Like him. I didn't know he already put a band aid over my hand until he put his own hand over it. There was a great difference between us. He was quite tan and I was quite pale. But it just so happens that tan is what I like. "Take care, hm?" he pursed his lips. "You don't know how much messed up people are out there nowadays."

"Sleep with me." was all I could say in response. Those 3 simple words. Questionable, but normal for people who know me. That was all I needed to say. Not even a thanks, no. I had to get what I wanted clear to him.

Once I spoke, he didn't seem to understand me at first. "Huh? What did you say?" he asked. That wasn't going to make me retract that statement, no. "I said sleep with me, Kim Mingyu-ssi," I repeated, turning my hand which he was laying his own upon around so I could intertwine my fingers with his. That's what I wanted us to be for the time being. Entangled. Temporarily, but not forever.

I wish he saw what I meant when I held his hand for a short while.

He blinked for a couple of seconds until he started to laugh in a flustered way, that was the signal for me to let go of his hand. "E-excuse me? Sir, I don't even know your name-"

"You don't need to know my name." I stepped closer to him, in which he stepped back. "Just sleep with me. Once. Think about it. You. Me. In the bed. It can be more than once if you'd like. Just call me, and I'll come."

"H-H-H-HOLD ON!" he shrieked, taken aback. "Are you.. are you serious? We just met, I don't think we're close enough to be doing what you're recommending. Look, I saved you, but it doesn't mean I have to do everything you want me to do-"

"I don't want it, I need it."

"You need to have sex with me?! Well, sir, let me tell you, I don't do that kind of stuff!" he continued reprimanding me whilst stepping back until finally his back hit the locker, where I pinned him to the wall with both hands so he couldn't get out. "And don't call me sir, I believe we're just about the same age, Mingyu-ssi," I said.

He tucked his lips in and continued shaking his head at the situation. "Nonono, this is wrong.." he pushed me away a little. "Look, I.. if your dying wish is to have sex, great, but.. not me, okay? Just.."

"Jungwoo. My name is Kim Jungwoo," I told him then. "And I don't have a terminal illness and I attend Yonsei University. You don't want to have sex with someone you know nothing about, don't you? Well you know something now." I took a pen from the pocket of his apron and then wrote something on his palm. "In case you're interested, that's my number. Call me up, and I'll come running."

He didn't say anything but stare at me with his jaw dropped. "If not, then okay.. but the offer always stands, Kim Mingyu-ssi." I proceeded to exit the worker room, not taking my eyes off of him. "Don't forget me until I forget you."

That was how we first met. Bizarre, but it was how I intended. That's how I always make my entrances. Unforgettable and relevant, enough to stick in your mind for atleast a month. Atleast that was how long I waited for that damn boy to call me.

While I waited I lived life like I normally did. Went clubbing on weekends, picked up some new "friends", stressed over college, played Overwatch with Doyoung whenever I could. All the while Mingyu was out of the picture. Not that I thought about him (but I'm sure he thought about me).

"Jungwoo sunbaenim." Rowoon caught up to me in the hallway. I smiled at him (which I know, just made him weak everytime). "Hello Rowoon. Did you just get off class as well?" I asked.

"Uh, yeah." he blushed, scratching his hair. "What about you, sunbae? Are you free right now? M-maybe you'd like to grab a coffee with me.."

All of a sudden, my phone rung in my pocket. I dished it out and saw that it was an unknown number. "Hey, uh, Rowoon?" I interrupted Rowoon who was still talking. "Let me take this phone call for a while."

"Yeah, uh, sure, sorry." he cleared his throat, clasping his hands together as I answered the call.

"Hello?"

No sound from the other line.

"Hello? Please speak, otherwise I'll hang up."

Still no response.

"Is this a prank? Lucas? Because it's not funny." I sighed. "If you need something tell me some other time, I'm quite busy right now."

"A.. are you?" Finally, a response came. Strange thing was, I felt like it was coming from somewhere near me. "Who is this?" I asked.

And that was when I heard Rowoon say something I haven't heard in a while. "Oh, Mingyu sunbaenim!" he exclaimed. That was enough for me to hang up and finally look at what was in front of me.

Kim Mingyu, still looking dashing, with his phone on his ear. As soon as we made eye contact, he took a deep breath and put his phone down as well. "Can we talk?" he asked me.

Rowoon looked back and forth from between me and Mingyu, confused. "Wait, Mingyu sunbaenim, you're familiar with Jungwoo.. sunbaenim?" he asked. Mingyu gave him a simple nod before grabbing my wrist, taking me to a rather empty corner of the hallway.

I didn't do anything but lean my head on the wall and smirk at him. "So.. you've figured out that you want to do it too?" I asked. "But.. we're on campus right now. You wanna do it on school grounds?" I pout, circling his inner arm with my finger. "Mingyu-ssi.. you're naughty.."

Like I was some sort of germ, Mingyu jerked his arm off my touch. "Th-that's not what I called you for, Jungwoo-ssi!" he scoffed, covering the part of his inner arm which I touched. "I was just... wondering if you could answer my question!"

"Then I won't answer it." I teased, making him more frustrated. "Look, just.. this could've been done over the phone, okay?!" he sighed, holding his forehead with his fingers. I watched the veins on his arms and was starting to get impatient. "Do you like phone sex? That could be done over the phone."

"GOD! Stop.. stop making innuendos, okay?" His face was like a tomato, blushing because of me. "Why do you want to do this so bad? Are you gonna talk about this EVERY time you see me?"

"If it persuades you to do it with me, I'd do so."

He looked at me like I was mentally disturbed. He then sighed and buried his face in his hands, squatting down to the floor. "Just what situation is this..," he grumbled.

I also squatted down so I could get to his level. "All you have to do is take your pants off, Mingyu-ssi..," I whispered. "Then I'll forget you and you can forget me."

He suddenly jerked his head up, shaking his head at me. "You're crazy. You mean you want me to forget you.. RIGHT after I.. do it with you?!" he hopped away from me while squatting. "Jungwoo-ssi, just tell me you won't go on with it so I can be at ease!"

"Huh, so you haven't been at ease for a month?" I smirked at him. "Trust me Mingyu-ssi, you'll be at ease after you do it with me."

"Y-you know what?" he sighed, massaging his temple out of stress. "Just come with me, then." he grabbed my wrist once again and dragged me to only god knows where. Before I knew it, he dragged me out of campus.

"Out of campus, huh? You must want to do it in a hotel. I'll pay for it-"

"No, we're NOT going to a hotel," he pointed his finger at me to correct me. He called a taxi and practically pushed me in. "Then are we going to your place? I'd like that. But you'd have to show me an easy way out in case someone could catch us, like maybe your mother," I kept talking.

"We're not going to my place either."

"Then where are you taking me, Mingyu-ssi? Because I'm not sure if I wanna do it in public I've never been the kind of person who likes to show off."

"We're not gonna have sex, okay?!" Mingyu blurted out. I could sense the unease of the taxi driver in front of us. "Just.. we're gonna go.. where all the other couples go. Mr. Driver, where do all the couples go?"

"Uh.. usually, the mall," the driver responded.

"Then let's go to the mall!" Mingyu announced. At that point I understood what he wanted to do. "Mingyu-ssi.. are you attempting to go on a date with me?" I asked. The truth is, I've never been on a date. I've always been the type of person who jumped straight into the bedroom. There's no hanging out prior, it has to be direct. Even when one of my "friends" ask me on a date, I don't say yes, because that's not what I'm there for.

But it seems that Kim Mingyu led me right into his trap. "Well.. what? Isn't this what you wanted?" he asked. I sighed and took my wallet from my pocket, pulling out a 10,000 won bill. "Keep the change, Mr. Driver, I'll be dropped off here."

Mingyu instantly took my money away and tucked it in his pocket. "Hey! What the heck, now that I did what you wanted, you want to stop?" he exclaimed.

"Mingyu-ssi I never said we had to go on a date. As long as it involves 'it' then I'm down. But I'm not going on a dumb date just because you want me to."

"What the heck are you going on about?!" he ended up being confused. He didn't seem to see what kind of person I was then. I pulled out another bill and gave it to the driver, but this time, Mingyu didn't just snatch my bill, he pulled my hand back. "F-fine! You know what, I don't have anything better to do anyway!" he huffed. "If you go on this one date with me.. I'll do it with you."

"Not convinced."

"Cross my heart and hope to die, I'll do it." he actually crossed his heart. I wasn't sure why he was determined. Maybe it was because he was curious about me. Or he was looking for a little bit of action in his life.

But now I realize, thinking about that day.

He was determined because he wanted to see if he could love.

And that was the biggest mistake he made.

Because I don't do love. I never have, and I'm not too sure if I ever will.

"Kim Jungwoo," he said my name again, over the table we were sitting at. Stop. I don't like this kind of conversation. "Just why are you doing this to me?" he stuck his tongue in his cheek, flabbergasted. "You know, I never thought I'd say those words one day. Technically, I'm doing this to myself, aren't I? Fooling myself to think that you actually love me?"

"You figured it out." I cross my legs and clasp my hands together. "Good job, Kim Mingyu. You know, deep down inside you know too that there are better people out there than me," I said.

"Of course I know that! You know what, you are a horrible person, and maybe I really should have let that guy harm you in the coffee shop!" he cried, banging his fist on the table. "I don't understand why you acted so nice and then started being cold to me.. just what is your deal?" I flinch a little. Because he's mad. I've made him reach his saturation point, I made him feel that way.

He's the first to yell at me with that much anger, and it was so much more than that stalker. Other people could actually understand it. "But why.." he breathed, looking at me. "Why is it so hard to forget you?"

I never got why he had come to love me that much. I never thought we were right for each other. So I wonder how his feelings came this far.

"I don't like this mall very much, Mingyu-ssi." I followed him as he walked around the place, looking for something entertaining to do. "It's noisy and it's crowded. I think I prefer the restroom. Can we go to the restroom?"

"We'll do that later." He finally arrived at something. It was a first person shooter game at the arcade. He inserted some pennies into the coin slot and grabbed the toy gun, gesturing for me to do the same. "Pick it up. This is fun."

"We have very different definitions of fun, don't we?" I muttered, picking it up anyway. "Do we just shoot the zombies?"

"Duh. What else?" He licked his lips, ready for a challenge. "Haven't you played one of these arcade games before?" He begun, already shooting one.

"No, I see them as a waste of time."

"Then your whole life ignoring these games is a big waste of time." He singlehandedly took the gun on my end and made me hold it. "Fire. And don't hesitate, you might get the highest score and beat the user named Mamagyu."

"Mamagyu? Who's that?"

"It's me." He winked. And then he took his attention off of me and started killing zombies fulltime. Huh. He must spend all of his free time here. Why does this man have a great body again? I just sighed and turned my attention to the screen, lazily pulling the trigger at any zombie which came near me. 

"This is too easy, I can understand how you got the highest score- AH!" I jumped in shock as a zombie suddenly came up beside me and made my game over. He sneaked a peek at my game and chuckled. "You can't just slack off at this game, look at the other directions too!" he advised.

"Fucking hell! This isn't a PC game, I can't change the angle!"

"I didn't mean it that way!"

I fussed in my pocket for another penny and tried again, only to die for the second time. "What?! I died again?!" I whined. Mingyu sighed and stopped playing on his end to help me. I squeaked as he suddenly stood behind me and put his arms over mine so he could help me aim. I noticed we were about the same height, so I could feel him breathing down my neck.

"Look, it's easy." he made my finger pull the trigger and shoot some zombies. "You're just making a fuss because you don't want to do this. Look, I killed 2 zombies in a row there!"

"If you're really planning to do this in public you might as well bite my neck right now," I said flirtatiously. That was enough for him to let me be killed. "Hey! What gives?!" I grunted.

"Aish! I won't do this if you keep making innuendos!" He cursed, letting go of me. I frowned as I saw that I had the lowest score on the ranking, with the very clear "Mamagyu" on top. Fortunately my thoughts were disrupted as Mingyu grabbed my wrist and once again dragged me to wherever.

"Where are we going now? The restroom? I hope so."

"I know you want to go to the restroom so you can do something weird to me, so forget it!" He led me to the claw machine all of a sudden. I stare at all the toys inside and remember how when I was a kid, I never got to have the joy of having one of these toys. I think I barely had any toys, not even some fake plastic cars. Nobody bothered to get me any. "I still have some pennies on me, so tell me what you want, and I'll get it!"

I blinked and turned to look at him. "You sure you can? A lot of these claw machines are pretty faulty from what I heard," I said to him. He brushed it off easily. "Well, clearly they've never heard of the Mamagyu, the master of arcade games. So what do you want?" he asked.

Seeing all those toys brought me back to my childhood. I guess Mingyu was just there to let the child in me come back. I scanned the inside of the machine until I saw the classic cartoon character I've always loved and wanted until now. "That." I pointed to the Snoopy doll inside the machine. "Just that. Don't get me anything else."

"Snoopy, huh?" he cracked his neck in preparation. "Snoopy you get, m'lady."

I watched closely as he slipped the penny in and began to fish for the snoopy doll. It was on the very end of the machine, and wasn't hard to get (just, if you aimed wrong you could accidentally end up with the Kermit doll) luckily Mamagyu wasn't a stranger to his title as the king of the arcade. He easily caught the doll in its claw without any sign of it being loose and dropped it into the exit, where he retrieved the doll from the hole on the machine. I beamed as he waved the Snoopy doll in front of me. "Got it, Jungwoo-ssi."

"It's snoopy!" I cheered and grabbed it, giving it a tight hug. I've never had the luxury of playing with toys. Some people say that's why I have so much men, to make up for the fact that I couldn't play with toys as a child. But as soon as I noticed Mingyu laughing at me, I cleared my throat and hid it behind my back. "Anyway.. let's go play some more, you are the king anyway."

After we played a few more games (with Mr. Mamagyu beating me mercilessly a lot) I eventually felt the need to eat food. "Do you want to eat at a restaurant? I'll pay."

"Let's just pay for our own orders." he placed his arm over my shoulder then led the way for me.

All those dates, all that time, all those smiles.. they were on my mind.

But I just wasn't sure what they meant.

After a while, our orders arrived and I found myself engaging in a conversation with the man in front of me. The man who I only wanted to sleep with, but in the end, became familiar with. "Tell me something about yourself that others don't know," I said to him.

"Well that's a weird sentence to say to someone." he chuckled. He laid his head on his hand, thinking. "Hm.. well, I've been struck with a guitar once."

"Holy shit."

"It's true. You know how short people can be the devil?" he cringed. "It's because they're closer to hell. I called my friend Jihoon a 'squirt' because he was so small and then he chased me around with his guitar, eventually I ran into it myself. Like an idiot." he chuckled. "It hurt like hell. But hey, I learned my lesson: don't mess with short people, because they could kill you."

"Huh." I nodded to myself. "I'd like to know what that feels like."

"What about you?" he asked me. I tilted my head, not sure what he meant. "What about me?" I asked.

"You know what I mean." He leaned closer to me on the table. "What do others not necessarily know about you?"

It was strange, but, I didn't even have to think about it.

Because I knew exactly what I wanted to say to him.

At first I hesitated, twisting my straw around on my shake, wondering if I should really tell him when I'm just there to sleep with him. But it's not like there was anything else about me that was secretive. Aside from the obvious parts I lived quite the boring life.

I clutched the Snoopy doll on my lap. "Well.. my parents are divorced," I said. "And if you're starting to question me, yes. Nobody really knew, not even my close friends. It's not something I talk about, and I live alone so they wouldn't know."

His expression became guilty, regretting his decision. "Oh, uh.. I'm sorry, Jungwoo-ssi. I didn't know-"

"Don't say sorry, it's not like they're dead." I chuckled. "But with the way I've been living people would think they are."

I hugged the Snoopy doll near my chest, trying not to become emotional. I've coped with this fact a lot, but I never really told anyone how I felt. "After they divorced it was like I dissolved. They made me live alone, I was only 15 but I was forced to live alone. They never did anything for me even when they were married, it's like I wasn't even their son," I said. "This Snoopy doll? This is the first toy I ever had.. because when I was a kid when they weren't working then they'd be using me as a way to get back at each other. Feels unreal, right? How could anyone be so cruel?"

"But.. didn't they have their reasons?"

"They must have, but I wouldn't consider them for a second. I didn't tell you I'm rich, didn't I?" I said. "They think sending me money has everything solved. It's ridiculous. They never even tell me how they're doing, not even a letter, no. Just money.. they just come and they go."

Mingyu bit his lip, not sure what to say next. Of course, I wasn't sure what to say as well. "Have you ever tried to visit them?" he asked. I shook my head. "No. They don't even visit me, so I don't see why I should do the same for them," I said. I tried to laugh it off. "Anyway.. it's not a big deal. Not that I want them to care, I know it will never happen."

When I know something won't happen, I have to convince myself I don't want it. That's just how it works for me.

The rest of the dinner resulted in silence between the two of us, each not having anything to say anymore. Instead, I let go of the Snoopy doll and remembered my original motive. Why was I telling him my dark secrets? That was obviously not the reason I hung out with him.

After the dinner ended we silently went to the front of the mall, and Mingyu hailed a taxi for me. "Well.. it was nice hanging out with you, Jungwoo-ssi." He gave me a smile. I bit my lip and took a hold of his sleeve. "I think you're forgetting something, Mingyu-ssi," I told him. He only blinked, confused. He actually forgot it. Well he was mistaken for thinking that this could be an actual relationship.

"You have to sleep with me," I said. He jumped, suddenly remembering his promise. He cleared his throat and straightened out his collar. "What? Jungwoo-ssi, it's a bit late..," he tried to make an excuse, but since I told my dark secret, I wasn't in the mood anymore anyway.

Instead, what I did was grab his collar and kiss him for about 2 seconds before entering the taxi. "I'll just see you next time, Mingyu-ssi. Maybe around campus." And then just like that, the taxi drove away. Leaving Mingyu dumbfounded by the sidewalk.

Back then I thought that next time we'd meet I'd definitely convince him to just go straight to the bedroom. Why did I waste time even going out with him? In the end after our meeting I went clubbing more and more just to get my parents off my mind. It was because of Mingyu that I started thinking about them again, and I didn't need that.

"Baby, what's wrong?" Lucas asked me, putting a hand over my waist. I slapped it away. "Get away from me, pothead. I'm not in the mood anymore." I grumbled, lighting a cigarette smoke.

"Jeez, you're never in the mood these days." he pulled the covers over his naked torso, starting to play with his phone. "No fun~"

"Lucas." I turned around to face him. "Why are we doing this again?"

"The hell are you asking me that for?" he asked. I gripped the cigarette in my hand, throwing it in the trash can instead. "Forget it, now I don't even feel like smoking." I sighed and got up, putting my shirt back on.

"Something is really wrong with you these days, Jungwoo," Lucas talked while I was putting my clothes back on. "I don't know what happened, but you're acting fucking weird."

"How weird?"

"I can't describe it. You're just.. not you."

"I don't even know who I am," I mumbled. I turned around and threw the chocolate bar on the nightstand at Lucas. "You eat that, you're getting too skinny." He's not even my friend, he's just someone I sleep with.

"You wanna take a break from this?" He asked the question that was in my mind for a while.

I pondered for a while. "I don't know, Lucas." Tying my shoelaces, I left him there at the hotel room alone like I always do. Most of the time we end like that. We do the thing, then one of us leaves. There's no cuddles, no love, no whispers of sweet nothings. Meaningless because we both don't know if there's any meaning left in any of our lives.

I went back to the campus since I still had a class to attend. I could probably care less about those, but I attend them anyway. I never have anything better to do. That's basically my whole life. Me doing whatever is available to me because there's nothing better I can do.

When I arrived at the classroom Rowoon was sitting there waving at me. "Jungwoo sunbae! I saved a seat for you!" he patted the empty space behind him. I sat next to him and laid my head on my hand, bored. "Where were you earlier? I didn't see you around," he said.

"I had a previous matter to attend to. Doesn't really matter now though." I shrugged.

"Sunbae, may I ask a question?" he asked. I just nod. He always has questions, they never really stop and I answer them anyway. "What's your relationship with Mingyu sunbaenim?"

"Me and him?" I looked at Rowoon. "We.. are acquaintances, that's all."

"But.. that's not what Mingyu sunbaenim told me.." Rowoon twiddled his fingers nervously. My eyes shot up like daggers. What exactly did Mingyu say to him? "Really? What'd he say?" I asked like I knew what he was gonna say.

"He said.. well.. that you two are, uh.." Rowoon cleared his throat. "Are together."

I laughed sarcastically. Together, huh? Wonder how he phrased that. "And you believed him, Rowoon?"

"Right?" Rowoon laughed nervously. "It's not true, isn't it? Dang, and I was taken aback when he talked about it!"

I pulled my pen out of my pocket and my notebook out of my bag for a distraction. "You know how I am. I'm not a kind of guy who wants to have a relationship, Rowoon," I told him. Rowoon always knew this. He once caught me going out of a hotel with Doyoung and was taken aback, but he never talked about it again. Instead he just understood me. In a way he acted as a friend, but I knew deep inside he didn't like the person who I was. And he wants to change me, but there seems to be no way to do so. He didn't answer anymore after that last statement, and just like that, we were just sitting there in class.. not changing anything about the reality.

"Tell me straight up, just this one thing, Kim Jungwoo." Mingyu lifted his head to look at me. I just want this conversation to end. I just want him to hurry up and forget like he always does and kiss me without any strings attached. I just want us to stay this way forever. But this conversation has been going on for way too long. "Was there ever any moment.. where you felt like you could fall in love with me?"

"I don't want to answer that."

"Just once, didn't you ever feel like there was a moment between us?" He kept pushing further.

Back then, when that class ended, that was when I saw Kim Mingyu for the second time. I remember him smiling just seeing me come out of the classroom with Rowoon. "Jungwoo-ssi!" he walked up next to us. "And Rowoon, haha."

"Yeah, hey." Rowoon gave him a simple wave. But I was a little surprised to see him again. He got more handsome. "Jungwoo sunbae says.. you two aren't together."

"What?! You told him?!" Mingyu acted up, looking at me to see my reaction. I just rolled my eyes. "What exactly did you say to him, Mingyu-ssi?" I asked.

He whistled nervously and looked elsewhere. "Well, I said.. that I thought you had feelings for me and we could be a thing..," he trailed off. Rowoon was looking at me with anticipation and he already knew the answer. "Don't mistake my reason for wanting to do what I need to do as having feelings for you. Because that's not the case, sad to say," I confirmed. Rowoon gave a sigh of relief, but Mingyu was upset.

"Anyway, I'm gonna go home now." I brushed my fringe off my forehead. "So if you two don't mind, I-"

"Wait!" Mingyu stopped me from going. "You two know about the upcoming festival this month right?" he asked. Our college does annual festivals every year, not just for the students but also for the public. (A/N fictional, im not sure if yonsei does that in real life uwu)

"Sure we do. I have to help cook tangsuyuk for our department since I lost a bet." Rowoon sighed. Mingyu gave him a pat of support (it was needed). "Then watch the fireworks with me and my friends once you finish. I wanted to invite a lot of people to hang out with us, that's all," he said.

I raised my eyebrows. "People from your department?" I asked. "Nah, mostly high school friends. The friend who struck me with a guitar is there, Jungwoo," he responded. Rowoon gasped.

"You've been struck with a guitar?!"

"Yeah, it was painful." Mingyu gritted his teeth at the memory. "Anyway, you guys have to come with us to watch the fireworks. We know a pretty good spot to watch them, and we feel like we shouldn't be the only ones experiencing it."

"Sure, I have nothing better to do anyway." I shrugged. I turned around to leave but Mingyu stopped me again. "Hey! You're just gonna leave?" he frowned.

"Why, is there anything else you need?" I asked. Then I remembered my original offer which he still didn't fulfill. "Oh.. of course." I sniffed and held his wrist this time, dragging him to the restroom.

"Jungwoo sunbae! Mingyu sunbae! Where are you going?!" Rowoon shouted from behind us, but he didn't need to know. I made sure nobody was inside and pushed him in a bathroom stall, making sure to lock it.

"UHM, WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?!" he squeaked, leaning on the wall uncomfortably. "Jungwoo-ssi, I'm a little claustrophobic if you didn't know."

"Claustrophobic, huh?" I rolled my eyes and closed the toilet seat so it wouldn't bother me. "Mingyu-ssi, you're forgetting something very important, don't you think?"

"I have.. pretty good memory so if I forgot something I'm sure it doesn't really matter-" He was cut off as I slapped my hand on the wall behind him. "Our deal," I said. "The S-E-"

"OH GOD OH GOD DON'T SPELL IT!" He covered my mouth in a panic. He sighed and just looked down, putting his hands on my shoulders. "Jungwoo-ssi.. you're not gonna let this go? Ever?"

"Well as long as I'm here, you won't be getting out of this," I smirked. "And don't call me Jungwoo-ssi.. I feel like you're being too polite with me. Wanna know a fact? I like it rough-"

"Too much information." he covered my mouth with his fingers. "Fine. I'll call you Jungwoo. But it doesn't mean I'll do the thing with you, shit, I don't even know you that well."

"Honestly nobody knows me that well, you're holding my dark secret anyway so you might as well sleep with me."

".. why do you wanna sleep with me so bad? Will it be enough if I just lie next to you while you sleep?"

"You know that's not what I mean. I went on that date you wanted me to go to and that was by force, you better not make me drag you into doing the thing by force."

"You're using force on me right now, Jungwoo!"

"Fuck me, hm?" I laid my chin on his chest, pouting. He was deeply disturbed by my request. "Jungwoo-ssi.. don't do this, please, I'm begging you." he cried, trying to push me away. "If you keep doing this, you'll push me further and further away!"

"Deep inside, don't you wanna do it?" I purred, using my knee to pet his inner thigh. "Oh god, what are you doing right now?" he asked.

"Earlier there, you called me Jungwoo-ssi," I whispered into his ear. "You just said you'd call me Jungwoo. Am I making you that uncomfortable?"

"Don't whisper in my ear."

I licked it.

"DON'T LICK MY EAR!" That was enough for someone to finally attempt to open our locked stall. "Is someone in there? What's happening in here?" A voice asked. Tsk, and I locked it for a reason.

"PLEASE HELP! I'M BEING INTERROGATED!" Mingyu cried from the inside. Because I didn't want anyone to call the police, I just unlocked the bathroom stall and opened it. "Sheesh! If two people are having some private time, don't interrupt!" I told off the person who interrupted us. I stomped out of the bathroom, only for Mingyu to keep following me anyway.

"Hey, Jungwoo!" he walked next to me. "Are you going home now?"

"Of course I am. If you suddenly want to do my offer now, forget it because I don't feel like doing it anymore." I crossed my arms. He started to walk backwards just so he could face me the whole time. "Well I'm going to my part time job at the cafe. But if you'd like, I could drop you home," he said.

"I don't let guys drop me home unless they're going to come in, so forget it."

"I was kidding, I don't even have a car."

I gave him a judgmental look. Instead, he sat next to me as he waited for my bus to arrive (apparently he takes the same bus as me to his part time job). And all the while he sat next to me, he acted like the most obnoxious person on the planet.

"What's your favorite color?"

"Black. Can never go wrong with that."

"Ooh, it does suit you." he smiled at the black T-shirt of a metal band I didn't know that I was wearing today. "What about, say.. your favorite Disney princess?"

"Why does that matter?"

"Just answer it."

"Snow White is my favorite, I guess. I don't know, I don't think about it."

"Your favorite superhero then?"

"Black Panther."

"Oh, are you saying that because he's got your favorite color in his name?"

".. probably." I cleared my throat. "Then your favorite song? You gotta have one of those!" he asked.

"Well then that would obviously be Photograph by Ed Sheeran."

Why was I answering his questions? We haven't even done it yet. Before he could talk about it again I raised my palm for him to pause. "Up until here, don't ask anymore questions. I'm tired of thinking."

"So you have parental issues, your favorite color is black, your favorite Disney princess is Snow White, your favorite superhero is Black Panther because.. he's black, and you like Ed Sheeran's Photograph."

I look at him questionably. "What's that about?" I asked. He just chuckled and shook his head. "Nothing. It's just everything that I know about you so far. Will you atleast tell me your birthday though?" he asked. I bit my lip and looked down at the ground.

"People who just want to sleep together don't need to know each other's birthday."

"That's what you want," Mingyu said. "But I think I want to know you, Jungwoo."

He wanted to know me. Not a lot of people wanted to know about me before. Thoughtlessly, I answered his question. "My birthday is on February.." And then I remembered I must not get too attached. ".. you'll know some other time."

After that, we rode the bus. In mostly silence, since Mingyu fell asleep. But before he did, he said something to me. "It's pretty obvious that I'm a virgin, right?" he said to me.

"I won't mind taking your virginity."

"Shut up, Jungwoo." He placed a finger on my mouth. "I've never really kissed anyone before.. in fact you were my first kiss."

"Oh, should I be honored?" I joked. He laughed a while until he suddenly stopped, staring at me. I couldn't read his expression, but I knew it was an expression that got me in a little trouble.

I don't remember why but I didn't do much to stop it. "I never thought about liking someone, you know?" he said. "But I feel like I'm curious now."

"Mingyu..," I said his name, for the first time, with no "-ssi". It surprised me how natural it felt. "Just rolls right off my tongue."

"You like it?"

"Yeah." I smiled. "I like your name.. very, very much."

That was when the conversation ended. Mingyu smiled at me back and then looked at the window, continuously not being able to hide his smile. He was just looking outside, the corners of his mouth naturally going up. Like an idiot. I wanted to call him an idiot, but the words wouldn't come out.

Because instead I was staring at him, and the corners of my mouth naturally went up as well. Then I was an idiot as well.

I badly wanted to convince myself that he was smiling because he was thinking of this phrase:

"I can't wait to sleep with him."

But really, it was this:

"I can't wait to fall in love with him."

Soon after, I ended up encountering him more and more on campus. When I would go drink at the water fountain he'd end up being there, and then he'd ask questions. When I would be at the library to make a project, he'd be there and he'd talk to me while I typed away at my laptop, pretending that I was paying attention. When I would be going to pee at the bathroom he'd be standing over the urinals too but when he'd see me he'd zip up his fly in a flash and then run away (that's the only case that he ever runs from me). But each time, he'd look at me and let me know he considered me a friend.

I should've stopped then and there.

"You and Mingyu sunbaenim are getting along really well these days," Rowoon told me. "Spending more time together, plus he says you've been opening up to him more.. Mingyu sunbaenim is really amazing." he chuckled. "Even I couldn't get you to do that, sunbae."

"It's nothing."

"Sunbae." he bit his lip. "I like you-"

"I know you do." I inserted a pocky into his mouth. "But sorry. I don't think I feel the same way. You know I can't, I'm not that type of person."

Instead of looking upset Rowoon nodded, accepting the fact as he chewed on the pocky. "I've accepted that fact long ago," he said to me. "That you'll never like me back."

"Sorry that I won't say sorry for not liking you back."

".. yeah, that's kind of confusing but whatever." He sighed. "But sunbae, what I meant to say was that I like you, and I want you to be happy. That's all I wish for now."

I looked at him like he was saying something wrong. "I am happy," I clarified.

"Maybe you are, maybe you aren't, I wouldn't really know because you don't open up to me." He chuckled. "But I stick with you in case.. there's no one else you can open up to one day. Just.. I just want you to do what you want and be happy with it, sunbae."

"Rowoon!" one of our classmates called him. "You ready for that tangsuyuk cooking, huh?"

The festival was nearing.

We were going to see fireworks real soon.

Once again, I went out to drink from the water fountain, and Kim Mingyu was there, almost as if he was waiting for me. "Jungwoo!" he cheered, standing next to me. I wiped my mouth and just raised my eyebrows at him.

"Yeah, what?"

"For the talent show this upcoming festival.. I've been thinking of joining it."

"Cool. Whatever you want."

"But you have to come watch me!"

I sighed, since I didn't really want to do that. "What? It's not like you'll be cooking tangsuyuk." he grabbed my arm, persuading me. "C'mon, you have to come."

"If I come will you finally sleep with me?" I asked, earning a groan. "Why can't I make you do things without you setting a condition, man?" he whined.

Our conversation was abruptly interrupted when a friend of Mingyu's suddenly called his name. Realizing that me and his friend were not acquainted, Mingyu decided to introduce us both to each other. "Ah, that's right. Jungwoo, meet Seokmin, he's an old batch mate of mine in high school. Seokmin, meet Jungwoo, he's my new friend."

"Ah, nice to meet you, Jungwoo-ssi." Seokmin gave me a bright smile and held out his hand. Hesitantly, I shook it, but something about Seokmin made me uneasy. "Nice to meet you too..," I trailed off. Mingyu seemed to notice my unease so he placed an arm on my shoulder reassuringly. "Why are you so stiff today? Haha, Seokmin, he usually isn't like this..," he explained. I cleared my throat and looked down.

"I'm not stiff..," I mumbled. The truth is not much people in the school, with the exception of Rowoon, know about my daily life going with different men whenever I can.

Until that day.

"Are you going somewhere, though, Seokmin? You're all dressed up, I mean usually you look like a hobo," Mingyu said. Seokmin gave him an eye roll before speaking. "It's nothing special, I'm just going out with my roommate and his friend. And I don't see why you think I'm dressed up, this is how I normally dress, Mingyu!"

"Oh.. the same handsome roommate you keep gushing about? I see how it is."

"Shut up!" He looked at his phone. "Anyway he's on his way inside.. I might as well introduce you two to him anyway."

"No, actually, Mingyu I have to go." I tried to walk away because all the bad vibes were starting to become clear to me but Mingyu was just confused on why I wanted to go so bad. "Why, is something wrong? You don't feel well?" There he went again. With his questions.

"Nothing is wrong, I just need to get away-"

"Are you sure? You look really panicked." He held on to my hand, actually concerned. I tried to make an excuse, but it was too late. The roommate and the friend finally arrived.

I stopped moving around, afraid of what was in front of me. Those shoes. Those pants. I knew the 2 men in front of me, and they held another dark secret of mine. "Oh hey Jaehyun, I was just about to introduce you to my friend and his-" Seokmin was cut off when one of them stepped towards me.

"Jungwoo?"

I looked up. Jung Jaehyun and Wong Lucas. The two boys who hung out at the club the most. Lucas shifted his attention to Mingyu who was holding my hand and stifled out a snicker.

I couldn't look at anyone. If it was any other day maybe I would've been able to kiss them on campus and show my true colors, but that day, I couldn't. Like Lucas said, I wasn't acting like "the normal Kim Jungwoo". Instead, I stood there shamefully, not moving a muscle.

"You go to Yonsei?" Jaehyun asked me. I only clutched the edge of my shirt with my fingers tightly. It felt like he was mocking me. Such a guy who went to the clubs regularly and gave his body out like a slut went to such a top university like Yonsei.. if my parents cared more, they would've disowned me.

"So that's why, huh.." Lucas licked his lips, still eyeing Mingyu who was holding my hand. He stepped up and separated Mingyu's grip from mine, giving me a very terrifying look. Like he was going to expose me. Right there. "THIS is why you've been acting different, haven't you?"

Mingyu only shoved Lucas away, not knowing what was going on. "Hey man, what's your problem?!" he exclaimed. He turned to me questionably. "Is he one of the dudes who bother you a lot?"

"I'm amazed, Kim Jungwoo," Lucas said. "I thought you lost all your pride, but it turns out you still have some left in you. You really don't know what this guy does in his free time?" He turned to Mingyu. Mingyu only scrunched up his face in confusion.

"That's it, pothead!" I lunged at him, trying to punch him to get him to stay quiet but Lucas grabbed my wrist, stopping me from hitting him. "Hey, why are you getting hostile, babe?" he chuckled. I took a deep breath as he grabbed me, making me stand beside him. Because I screamed a bit too loudly there, everyone was now looking at us.

Of course Lucas had to use that to his advantage.

"Everyone!" he lifted my arm up, calling more attention to us. "This student here, Kim Jungwoo.. he's not who you think he is."

"Lucas, stop it!" I yanked my arm out of his grip. "What is your problem?! What did I ever do to you, huh?!"

"Nothing, you did nothing, Kim Jungwoo!" He laughed, clapping his hands like a maniac. "I just feel like a secret like yours shouldn't be kept in the dark anymore, especially since you go to such a good university! Who knew a whore like you had some brains in there after all? I thought a person so obsessed with sucking my dick would have a similar IQ as me!" he grabbed my hair forcefully, making me kneel on the ground. I almost screamed as I felt my knee graze the ground pretty hard. "Do you feel prideful, huh?! Do you feel better about yourself knowing that I dropped out of college, HUH?!

"Hey, you stop it right now!" Mingyu punched him in the face, making Lucas fall back on his butt. He quickly helped me back up, but at that second tears were flowing down my eyes. Everyone was staring. Everyone was wondering if something was wrong with me. And the fact was, that there really was.

And I couldn't deny anything.

Lucas might be an ass, but everything he was going to say about me was right.

The man got up, wiping his bloody mouth while still laughing like a crazy guy. "Are you crying?" he said. "Don't cry! This is the truth! Everyone, he slept with me! Multiple times! And with my roommate as well!" he pointed to Jaehyun. "And, oh, he enjoyed it! He enjoyed it alright! Like a little bitch, he screamed for me to pound him HARDER everytime! Hey, he even slept with that guy!" he pointed to Doyoung who was watching from the floor above. "Hey, you remember me, right? I was the one who smirked at you after you left that hotel with him, remember?! He sleeps with so many people multiple times a week because he needs attention that bad!"

"What.. what is he talking about, Jungwoo?" Mingyu turned to me, and it felt like he was piecing everything together. Why I kept pestering him to sleep with me. Why I had such a bad past. This is what the bad past made of me. A mess. "Well?" Lucas bit his lip. "Aren't you gonna tell everyone that what I'm saying is true, Kim Jungwoo?"

"I knew you were bad news from the start, you fucking pothead." I wiped my tears and got away from Mingyu. Maybe at that point he wouldn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, because I was that filthy all along. I did him a favor by moving away first. "Fuck you, Wong Yukhei." I raised the middle finger at him before I ran.

Out of the campus.

Out of my reality.

Out of this world.

When I still didn't answer Mingyu at the cafe, he added another sentence. "What about the fireworks, Kim Jungwoo?" he asked. "Did you feel something for me there?"

Fireworks can make you feel anything.

I don't even know if those were true feelings, or it was just the beauty of the moment that fabricated it.

After that humiliating day, I didn't attend classes for a while. I didn't answer any of Rowoon or Mingyu's calls or texts. I didn't even go clubbing. I used to think I loved clubbing, but after that day all it put was a bitter taste in my mouth. I didn't want to see Lucas ever again. I didn't want to see anything from my old self ever again.

The problem was that clubbing was the only thing I enjoyed in a way. It was the only thing that I felt was part of me.

But then I lost my love for it.

And once again, I'm not sure of who I am.

Party boy, diligent student or outgoing man.. I just didn't know anymore.

My thoughts were interrupted when someone knocked on the door. "Must be my pizza delivery," I thought, until I opened it and Kim Mingyu was standing right there.

I thought he would look disgusted.

I thought he would beat me up.

But instead, he looked at me the same way he always did. Like a friend. Like I'm a normal person. Like I'll always be welcome in his life. He only said one thing, it was my name.

"What do you want?" I hardened my face. It's no use for him to be seen with me so I tried to shut the door, before he jammed his foot inside so I couldn't close it.

"I just want to talk, Jungwoo! Please, talk to me!"

"Why do I need to talk to you?!" I screamed, still hiding behind the door so I wouldn't have to face him. I was ashamed. Ashamed of who I really was. "Get away from me before I call the police, Kim Mingyu, I'm warning you."

"Jungwoo, please!" he pleaded with me. "I just want.. I want to wake up next to you!"

"What are you talking about?!"

"I meant sleep with you! Jesus Christ, sleep with you!" he said. I froze, not putting any more force on the door. And in that abrupt moment that I did he opened the door on me, once again making me face him. "Isn't that what you always wanted? Well I'm gonna do it now. I'm gonna sleep with you. But I'd like to phrase it as 'waking up next to you' because 'sleeping with you' is too much for me."

Later that day it turned out the pizza delivery truck was stuck in traffic.

How badly I wanted them to interrupt that moment.

".. why, Mingyu?" I asked. "Why are you so nice to me?"

"That Lucas guy, he was spreading rumors about you because you rejected him, right?" He smiled, holding my hand. "Don't worry about it. Rumors die off pretty quickly. I'll spread a rumor that Seokmin is scared of bunnies so they won't have to think about yours, hm?"

He thought it was a rumor.

"Don't worry, I'll never believe in them unless it comes from you."

He didn't believe in anyone but me.

"Get out," I told him, pushing him out the doorway. "I want to be alone! So get out!"

"Wait, Jungwoo!" He latched onto the doorway, making sure to get one last message across to me. "You have to come to the festival, you just have to. I feel like I won't win the talent show unless you're there."

"I said get out!"

"And watch the fireworks with me!" After successfully pushing him out the room, I locked the door and made sure that he left.

Eventually we would be history.

I'm just not sure if I wanted to add more.

When I still remained silent on my seat, Mingyu stood up.

And I felt a panic. Like something was wrong with the universe. Like something was different now. Like this wasn't just a fight, this was.. something much more.

"If you don't want to answer me, then it's fine," he said. I wasn't sure what he meant by that. "You've.. always been like this, Kim Jungwoo."

".. I always have been, haven't I?" I looked up at him. He was standing still, but it felt like he was moving further and further away from me.

Something inside me told me to grab him and make him stay.

But I wasn't sure if I could trust it.

When the day of the festival came, Rowoon left me a voice message. I woke up feeling groggy, but when I grabbed my phone his voice message was the first thing I saw. I tapped on it.

"Jungwoo sunbae, if you don't come to the festival.. will you never come back again?"

I was never sure how I felt about Rowoon. He was always just, there. Never absent, never leaving. And eventually his presence became common in my daily life.

"I miss you. And so does Mingyu sunbaenim. And our whole department. I'm sorry you had to go through those rumors, I know that even though you haven't been the perfect human, you're kind hearted inside."

Did I really deserve to be loved by someone like Rowoon?

"The talent show starts at 10:30 AM. You must watch Mingyu sunbaenim, he needs you. Don't worry about me, I'll always be cooking tangsuyuk in case you need me."

Always just there, like I said. He's a constant variable, and he'll remain that way.

"I love you, Jungwoo sunbae."

I clutched my phone in my hand tightly. He should be saying that to someone else, not a slut like me.

"It's not just infatuation, I'm in love with you, and I will always be in love with you. I really am. I hope you learn to love someone too, sunbae. Trust me, it's a great feeling. Whether it's Mingyu sunbaenim or some other guy, make sure he knows how to make you smile and will never make you cry. I know I wouldn't want to make you cry, I hope they think the same. See you at the fireworks, let's have a fun and enjoyable festival together."

The voice mail ended there. I sat around in my bed for a while, waiting for minutes to pass.

In the end I got up to take a bath.

It's not like I could go to the festival smelling like shit anyway. 

When I arrived I received a few stares, but at that point it didn't really matter. That pothead might have spread more stuff about me but I didn't care that much anymore. I just needed to see Mingyu. I didn't have anyone else in my mind that day but Mingyu. I needed to see him on the talent show, I needed to see the fireworks with him.

I needed Mingyu.

Why did I need Mingyu?

Seeing him now, I see him in the most vulnerable state. He looks like he's begging me. Begging me to love him. Begging me to see him for what he is and realize that I'll never meet another Kim Mingyu again in my life.

But I don't know how to respond.

My feet were making its way to the stage area quick. I needed to see him. I needed to see Mingyu. Desperately, I ran there, endlessly turning my heads just for the sight of him. That sight of tan skin, a tall figure and a handsome face. I needed to see it to remind myself that there's a person out there who can accept me.

A man with tan skin, a tall figure and a handsome face was holding a guitar.

"Mingyu?" I stepped up to him. He turned around, holding a guitar which he was once struck with. "Jungwoo..," he trailed off. And before I knew it, he was engulfing me in a very tight hug. "You came.. you actually came!"

For a while, I stood there, just letting myself be hugged. Until eventually, my arms moved themselves.

And I hugged him back. "I'm sorry.." For some reason I ended up crying while hugging him. "I'm sorry, Mingyu, I'm so sorry.."

"Why are you sorry?" he chuckled, caressing my head softly. "You did nothing wrong, Jungwoo. Sshh.. it's okay now, it's okay."

"I'm.. I'm not.." I sniffed, holding him tighter. It felt like if I didn't hold him tight enough he'd slip away. "I'm not the person who you think I am, Mingyu-ssi."

"Then I'll love you anyway."

He held me by the waist and held my chin, making me face him. We both said nothing, staring at each other's eyes. Eventually, he shifted his focus from my eyes to my lips, and that's when I closed my eyes, waiting for him to do it.

But just when I felt he was getting closer, he stopped. I opened my eyes, concerned. "Why did you stop?" I asked as he let go of me. Instead, he kissed my forehead. "That kind of kiss should be saved for the fireworks." he smiled at me.

"Mingyu, are you sure you're ready?" Somebody from behind Mingyu suddenly spoke like he wasn't just kissing someone in front of him. The man behind him was quite short, for sure, when standing next to giants like Mingyu and myself anyway.

"Oh, erm, Jungwoo, this is Jihoon.. he's that friend I told you about, the one who struck me with a guitar." Mingyu laughed (though Jihoon certainly didn't laugh along with him). "My friend isn't the biggest fellar out there, but try not to anger him. He won't hesitate to hit anyone who even tries to mess with him."

"You're the man who was involved in that little predicament with that Hong Kong pothead, right?" Jihoon noted the issue. Mingyu immediately covered his mouth in a panic. "Ji-Jihoon! You're not supposed to talk about that!" he said.

I just wiped a few tears off my eyes, not really affected now. "No, it's fine, Mingyu," I said. "About that issue.." I glanced at Mingyu. He still doesn't think it's true. "It's really.. actually, it's.."

"Participants?" Someone suddenly came out, calling for the participants of the talent show. "Please come backstage now. We'll be starting the show pretty soon."

"I have to go, Jungwoo," Mingyu said. "Make sure to come see me, alright?"

"But Mingyu, I have to tell you-"

Before I could continue, his friend dragged him backstage pretty quick. He still doesn't know. It felt like I was lying to him, and I didn't like it.

In the end, my feet took me to my department's little restaurant, and there Rowoon was, cooking tangsuyuk to no end. But then he lifted his head up and was surprised to see me. Like he didn't expect to see me at all.

"Jungwoo sunbae!" he said my name, but then realized almost half the campus knew me so he had to talk to me in secret. He turned to the guy next to him and told him he had to go for a while, and then he grabbed me and hid behind the ref to talk to me. "I.. I didn't expect you to come."

"I didn't expect to do this either," I said. I noticed he had a few bandages on his fingers. "Did you burn yourself?"

"Ah.." he hid his hands. "I got a little carried away with practice. It's nothing honestly."

"Nothing, huh?" I paused. Rowoon was always telling me it was nothing. If I accidentally said something mean to him he wouldn't do anything about it. If I went with other men in front of him he wouldn't say anything. If I hurt him he'd still talk to me the next day like nothing has happened. I don't know why I only noticed it then, but I did. ".. what am I supposed to say to you, Rowoon?" I mumbled.

"Huh?" he didn't quite hear me at first.

"Us. What am I supposed to do about us?" I looked at him. "I'll be frank. You shouldn't be in love with me, Rowoon-ah." Something in his facial expression changed. That was the first time I called him "Rowoon-ah". I usually don't endear people, especially not Rowoon.

He didn't say anything, still surprised at my "Rowoon-ah". I hurt so many people. But I never really stopped, did I?

"Sunbae.." He broke the ice. "Why can't I be in love with you?" He realized my words.

"I don't want you to fret over someone like me every night anymore," I told him. "Look at me, Rowoon. Some rich gay guy who doesn't know what he lives for except sex. Who would be proud to be in love with someone like me? You? You couldn't handle it."

"Maybe I couldn't. Maybe I don't deserve you. But why can't I love you?" he simply asked in a very, very calm way that almost haunted me. "You allow Mingyu sunbaenim to love you, why can't I?"

"I-"

"It's because you, yourself, are in love with him, isn't it? So you don't want anyone to get hurt? You don't want me to get hurt?" He chuckled. "You think of yourself as a very bad person but you're kind deep inside, sunbae. I know you, sunbae. You act like it's nothing at first but as time passes one can see just how vulnerable you really are. In the end, that's why both me and Mingyu sunbaenim fell for you, isn't it?"

He sighed and put his hands on my shoulders, like a friend does. "I won't bother you too much," he said. "But please let me do this one thing.. and that is to love you."

"Why do you wanna love me so bad?" I asked. I wasn't the perfect person at all. "Won't you regret it?"

"No regrets. That's all I can promise to you," he said. "If I could kiss you, I would. But that's Mingyu's job. I'm a little sad he got to crack your case, and I never got to, but it's okay.." he loosened his grip on my shoulder. "Everything that makes you smile is okay, sunbae."

"Rowoon!" one of the guys from our department called him. "Stop slacking around and get back to work, these tangsuyuks won't cook themselves!"

"Yes, sunbaenim!" He responded. Rowoon sniffed and gave me one last pat in the back, reminding me of just how amazing a person he is. "Watch Mingyu sunbaenim well. You'll have the time of your life."

I wish I could have loved Rowoon. He'd be so easy to love. He's the type who anyone could fall in love with in any situation, he's that dependable, good looking and smart. He'd just accept me and live with me like I'd never done anything bad before. He would have been easier. He would have.

Maybe Mingyu would have been easier to love too if I hadn't lied to him.

I watched as the current Kim Mingyu moved to the right. I flinched a little. Then he turned around, and it felt like my heart turned upsidedown the same time he did.

One step.

Two steps.

Three steps.

He's walking away from me.

He has given up on me.

The Kim Jungwoo who first came into this cafe thought of this as nothing but another meaningless meet up.

But now that I remember all that me and Mingyu went through, and how much he did for my life, I wonder if something I considered meaningless had meaning buried underneath it after all?

I didn't know why but I felt nervous during the talent show. Why? I was not the one joining it, it was Mingyu. Yet why? I felt like the butterflies were going to burst out of my stomach. I wanted him to do well. I wanted him to shine. Whatever it is he would do, I wanted him to look good not just to me, but to everyone.

Most of the acts in the talent show weren't impressive to me. There were a few cringeworthy comedy acts. A few dance numbers. A few weird cuckoos doing weird stuff on a talent show. A few song covers. Not that I expected anything special, Mingyu was holding a guitar so he was probably planning to do a song cover too.

What I didn't know is that it was special for me.

I watched as he sat down on the stage, positioning the mic closer to his mouth. "Hello everyone, I'm Kim Mingyu from the Engineering department!" People started cheering for him, mostly fangirls. "Erm, well, I'm not really the best singer.. to be honest, I'm just average."

His eye scanned the crown until it met mine, and his tense gaze softened. "Because really, I didn't join this competition to win." He adjusted his grip on the guitar. "I joined this competition to say something to a special someone."

It was clear he meant me. It really was. He took a deep breath, giving me a nod like I was the only person there. "I hope my message reaches him."

I remember that my heart fluttered as soon as I heard Ed Sheeran's Photograph sound from his guitar and his voice.

Four steps.

Five steps.

He's getting farther away from me.

But in that moment I was in the audience and he was on the stage it felt like he was much more closer.

"Loving can hurt."

Loving can hurt sometimes.

"But it's the only thing that I know."

When he asked me what my favorite song was, I said Photograph. The lyrics didn't have meaning to me then. I just thought it was a nice song to listen to on a day you feel alone. But when he sang it right there, it all made sense to me.

Did I fall in love with Kim Mingyu then?

Six steps.

Seven steps.

"And the winner of the talent show is.." The MC trailed off. "Kim Samuel from the History department! Congratulations, bud, you deserve it."

I heard him wrong. It only seemed like Mingyu was the winner to me.

He sang Photograph then, but the Ed Sheeran song that really would have made sense for him is Dive.

"Don't call me baby unless you mean it."

Why didn't you just sing that, Kim Mingyu..

Eight steps.

"My performance was amazing, wasn't it?" Mingyu asked as we sat down together on the university rooftop. We spent the rest of the day exploring the festival until the time of the fireworks arrived.

"I'm sad I couldn't see it. I swear all that tangsuyuk is making me sick." Rowoon cried. He rejected the chicken one of Mingyu's friends offered him. "No thanks Seungcheol sunbae, I smell tangsuyuk now everytime I take a bite of something, I don't wanna end this night sick."

Mingyu took my hand so we could get away from his friends. Leading me to the edge of the rooftop, he leaned on the railings. "The fireworks are taking a really long time, it would be a shame if they were canceled," he said.

Earlier there, his friends were giving me weird stares. I was the one. The guy who slept with multiple people. And here Mingyu was still not believing it was the truth. I glanced back at them who were still weirdly staring at us.

It was then I wondered if I really was good for him.

"Mingyu.." I sighed. "The rumors are true."

He looked at me, puzzled. "But.. so what?" He started to laugh, taken aback. "Why are you bringing this up now? Jungwoo I don't think it matters anymore." He intertwined our fingers together. "No matter what people say about you.. I don't think my feelings will ever change. Jungwoo, I think I'm in love with you."

"Well you think but you don't know," I exclaimed. "People are giving you bad looks, Mingyu. Because of me. I.. I don't want anything bad to happen to you."

"Ssh." he shushed me. "Do you love me back though?"

All of a sudden, without warning, the first firework shot up into the sky. And my worries were taken away for a while, because then I got lost in the moment.

This is the part where it confuses me.

People around us were all going "wow" at the sight and filming it with their phones, but it was like I was frozen. They were just so beautiful. I haven't seen fireworks in a while that time. Whenever new years popped up I wouldn't really go outside, I'd just stay home and sleep. Naturally I forgot how beautiful they were. Or maybe I never really did see their true beauty.

I was snapped out of my trance when Mingyu suddenly laid his arms around me without warning. But it was still part of the moment, I swear it was.

Fireworks can make you feel anything.

I turned around and hugged him back, leaning in for a kiss, when he beat me to it first, pressing his lips against mine delicately, like it was his first time kissing.

But I'm not sure if I would know, since I haven't seen fireworks in a long time. Maybe I just thought fireworks could make you feel something because that's what I liked to think.

"Jungwoo." he whispered as he moved away from my lips for a while. "I want to wake up next to you. Let's do it. Let's do it right now."

"Crazy bastard." I sighed, hitting my head against his broad chest. "It's called sleeping with someone, not waking up next to them."

"Waking up next to you sounds far more romantic. Think of it as my way of saying I love you."

"Is this romance?" I asked with doubt. "Do I love you?"

"I can't say that for you, though," he said. I couldn't look into my heart then, so I just went with the moment. I held his cheek and kissed him once again.

Anybody could guess how that night ended.

So I'm doing it now. I'm looking into my heart to make up for the fact that I didn't do so then.

The Jungwoo that came to this café earlier came thinking it would be another day.

But there he is, threatening to leave my life completely and I feel like it isn't so simple this time.

Nine steps.

Do I love you, Kim Mingyu?

Can I live without you?

I think I can. If I stay here in this café watching you leave I don't think the world will end. It will go on. Maybe I'll just lead a life without you from now on, maybe I'll keep sleeping with random men every night, maybe I won't care anymore, maybe I'm fine if you leave.

Nine and a half steps.

Maybe I don't really need you, maybe I never really loved you, maybe you only loved the idea of me, maybe if I chase you right now I'll look pathetic, maybe I'll never find meaning in my life, maybe I'll stay this way forever.

Do I really want that?

Living life without meaning?

Kim Jungwoo… finding a meaning is all you ever wanted, and that will never change until you actually do try to find it. And it's right here, and it's slipping out of my hands.

Ten steps.

He's not gone yet.

I think about how my life might be if I let him leave, and it looks like it's empty. I don't know where I would end up. But one thing's for sure; if there's no Mingyu, it's probably a bad place.

I stand up, making a sound with my chair to make sure he looks. He doesn't so I stomp behind him, making sure to make every stomp of my foot can be heard. He still doesn't look. I end up tripping on my own feet like a clumsy idiot and he still doesn't look.

I end up on my knees, but this time not so I can suck dick, but to admit the truth. "MINGYU!" I screamed. It was almost as if my voice broke. I didn't cry but I was close to it. "DON'T LEAVE! DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE!"

Yes the world isn't ending, I know that. But it's clear to me now. I can't lose Kim Mingyu. I can't lose an important person in my life, and that's hard to find.

"I…" I gripped my fists, not sure if I should say it, or if I even had a right to say it. But he stopped in his tracks, and I managed to let it out once and for all.

"I want to wake up next to you."