Chapter Text
Taemin lays on the bed, pushing his thumb over the thread bare pillow. His head is filled with thoughts he'd hoped he'd forgotten about last month, last time this had happened; his confidence was shredded, ripped to nothing as though it had never existed and that was something he had to live with. That was a constant, in this world, it's one of his only constants - not including the blackness whenever he opened his eyes.
The only other persistent occurrence in his life was that he could never feel secure.
And that was the problem now.
Jongin was late home again, for the seventh time in two weeks. It should be normal - he's a paramedic, he works long shifts and sometimes he has to carry on even when his shift is over. People's emergencies can't be thrown to the wind because oh, sorry, I'm off shift now, guess that heart attack will have to wait .
Anything like that would be purely incomprehensible.
But something in Taemin's gut is setting off alarm bells.
He thinks back to when Jongin first moved into their shared apartment - he never had much care when Jongin came or went, if he even came home or slept at a friend's place for the night or the weekend. As long as Jongin did as promised - the rare times he'd run to the shop for Taemin because it was just too unsafe for him to try at that moment - then Taemin didn't really care.
When Jongin had kissed him for the first time, a gentle press of their lips that barely happened, and anchored Taemin against his chest with his arms, protecting him from the world - Taemin still hadn't really cared all that much. When they'd finally agreed to try a relationship - worried about the apartment if they broke up, but too curious about the other to neglect their feelings - Taemin only cared as far as when Jongin promised things, they happened, or Jongin told him sorry, I have to help Junmyeon on his shift, his partner is going to be late . As long as Taemin knew what was going on, he truly didn't care. He enjoyed his time to catch up on horror films, found solace in reading through book after book, not having too many cares other than was Jongin safe.
When Lucas joined their family, it became something of a routine - Jongin would always tell Taemin whenever he could, making sure that Lucas never felt that his papa didn't care, that he was thinking of Lucas even now.
But now, he doesn't know where his cares end and his insecurity starts.
Jongin usually does let Taemin know when he's going to be late - that's something Taemin cannot refute. But in the past few weeks, Jongin hasn't told Taemin anything. There's been no texts, no quick calls, nothing.
Taemin's gut churns.
He knows that Sehun - Jongin's partner - used to be his lover. Throughout college and for a while after; he's overheard them talking before, laughing about the good old days and teasing each other as they sat on the couch after a few beers, slightly tipsy enough to not care who can hear them or if the neighbors bang on the wall. It's not exactly a secret in any form - the few times that Taemin has hung out with Jongin's friends, it's come up one way or the other.
And Taemin hates them for it.
His gut aches, churns, makes him want to vomit.
Jongin should have been home hours ago; his phone just told him that it was almost eleven pm - Jongin should have finished at seven and been home usually by half past, sometimes by eight if he went shopping or stopped to get food. There's no real reason that there should be so many hours - even when he covers someone else's shift, it's usually only for an hour meaning he should have been back by ten, ideally, at the most.
His mind goes to places he'd tried to forbid; he's tried to lock them away, thrown them to the bottom of the ocean in his mind but they rear back up, Cthulhu in a vicious storm, the one thing sailors never wish to see when everything is already stacked against him.
Taemin rolls over; the scent of Jongin's shampoo on his pillow case floats up to him. Is Sehun lying like this right now? In his own place, Jongin lying next to him as they laugh and joke, rekindling an old flame as Taemin quietly waits?
It shouldn't be one of his first thoughts.
He should be thinking more along the lines of what if Jongin was hurt? Is he struggling in the hospital right now and Taemin missed the vibration of his phone as someone tries to contact him? Has Jongin's family even tried to contact him?
But his mind is far from it.
He knows he can be insecure; it's not hard to do. His previous partners made it very clear in the past they'd rather date someone that could see, that could go to the cinema and laugh, that could see an eyebrow raise to laugh at an inside joke. It's not unusual for someone in his position to be feeling this way.
It's not exactly healthy, but it's also not a rare occurrence.
Taemin's done his research. A therapist would tell him it's normal to jump to conclusions like this, be scared, on edge, but would also tell him to talk to Jongin. Talk to him, communicate - communication is healthy in relationships.
But Taemin doesn't want to talk.
It's not that he doesn't want to, it's that he's scared of what might come from it - yes, I have been seeing Sehun and you know what, it's better .
That isn't a confirmed reaction in any way - Taemin's insecurity is likely making him jump to conclusions, the demons in his mind dragging him down further and further - but it is a possibility .
And the possibility is enough to make him want to curl up into a ball and cry himself to sleep.
He's close to it, wanting to make himself as tiny as possible and scream into his pillow, but he hears the sound of the door unlatching. Taemin sits up, a sudden bolt of confidence bursting through him. He'll just gently bring up his fears, and they can talk, and it'll be dealt with.
He listens as Jongin pads through the apartment, pauses to take his shoes off, the thump of his bag as he drops it under the coat rack and - and the tears.
Taemin lays down, pulling the duvet over him as the shower starts running. The tears get louder; Jongin has always thought the rush of the water would make it easier for him to release some emotions and Taemin has never had the heart to tell him that it doesn't. Jongin drops what Taemin assumes is a shampoo bottle, pausing to sniffle as he picks it up.
Taemin strains his ears, listening intently. Bottles are moved around, thumping slightly on the porcelain. The sound of the water hitting the tub changes - Jongin is likely standing back, letting more of the flow connect with the bottom of the bathtub, rather than running down his body - scrubbing shampoo or conditioner through his hair.
It doesn't take much longer for the shower to turn off, maybe only about five minutes.
Jongin takes his time in the bathroom, likely drying himself. He lets a few more tears out before silence falls; the drain finally removing the last of the water from the piping. There’s soft, slightly wet footsteps, walking into the bedroom.
Taemin closes his eyes.
Jongin goes through the drawers, silent. The sound of his feet suggests he’s stepping into boxers and pulling on a shirt before he disappears out of the room and down the hall.
The footsteps stop outside of Lucas’ room - turning to the right and seven steps to the left. The door opens and it falls silent for a short while. It sounds like it’s been a horrible day at work for Jongin - he always spends time checking on Lucas, watching him sleep, just knowing that his son is safe .
Taemin guesses around seven minutes pass before the door closes and Jongin can be heard walking down the hall. A light switch flicks on and Taemin hears the fridge open.
Taemin swallows and forces himself to sit up. He moves his foot around before he finds his tracksuit bottoms and slips his feet in the waist, leaning down to pull them up. He wraps his arms around himself and makes his way down the hallway, slipping silently into the kitchen. From the small sounds of chopsticks clacking together, muffled by fabric, Taemin makes his way to the sink. He bumps slightly into Jongin's back but repositions himself, wrapping his arms around Jongin's waist. "What's wrong?"
"Just... Just a really bad day at work."
Taemin rests the side of his head on Jongin's shoulder and Jongin leans back against him. They stand that way in silence for a few moments before Jongin gently steps away, opening a ramen pot and putting the kettle on to boil.
It’s a casual, usual movement, Jongin stepping away to go about his business after a moment of comfort, a moment of closeness, but this time, Taemin’s alarm bells get louder. Cold air wraps around Taemin’s body, tying like barbed wire around his throat. The lack of his lover in his arms aches in his chest, makes his stomach reel; he shakes his head and forces himself to sit at the kitchen island.
"Do you want some ramen?"
Taemin nods. "Please. I couldn't manage food today."
"Are you alright?"
No, I'm up in arms worried about you constantly why won't you just text me.
"I’ve just…” Taemin drifts off for a moment and then smiles, forcing his stomach to settle down. “I’ve just been worried about you."
Jongin goes silent for a moment, even his breathing stilling. "Why are you worried?"
"I just… I’m just feeling… I don’t know. I just hear less from you when you’re at work and it’s... it’s making me a bit anxious."
Jongin lets out a small breath and another ramen pot is opened. "We're just understaffed and I don't always get time to grab my phone."
Liar .
He knows that's a lie. He knows that the health service has just hired about six hundred new paramedics - he overheard someone at the store talking about it when he was grabbing the groceries Jongin swore he’d get and never did.
The seeds of doubt that had already planted in Taemin's gut sprout new leaves, pushing up through his stomach towards his throat. He swallows them down, shaking his head.
Silence falls around them, Taemin uncomfortable, Jongin stressed. Taemin can sense his emotions - he can hear the soft shuffling of his sleep shorts, rustling as he shifts around, rubbing his knees and feet together for an outlet. The kettle clicks, water is poured and Jongin sits opposite him.
"How are you and Lucas?"
"We're good. I'm still considering suing Lucas' school for forcing him to work from home. What was it they said to you?"
"Doesn't matter, trust me."
Taemin pauses, half reaching for the chopsticks Jongin slipped across the island.
Jongin would fight to the death against anything that hurt him or Lucas, anything that prohibited blind people from living. Ever since Taemin became present in Jongin's life, he'd gone out his way to make sure things were accessible, things were safe, called out the school previously on things that harmed Lucas.
Taemin picks up his chopsticks and pulls the lid off his ramen pot fully, stirring the food gently. Jongin’s had just a horrendous day at work and is exhausted. They can talk about it tomorrow, or when he gets a day off. He shouldn’t be concerned about this - Jongin has his ups and downs, it’s a constant. Too many patients die, too many idiots call for an ambulance, he was partnered with a rookie who had to be directed whilst Jongin is trying to make notes as they fight to-
"Taemin, have you been following the news?"
Taemin is jerked out of his thoughts, looking up. He feels where Jongin's gaze is, matching it. "No, it's mostly been YouTube education stuff for Lucas. We found this brilliant YouTuber who verbally explains the images he’s showing and it’s helping him keep up. Why?" He gently slurps some ramen up, an eyebrow raising.
"Just... Look, you and Lucas... Don't leave the house for a few days."
It’s a curt… command and Taemin let’s go of the food he was holding. "What do you mean?"
"I mean don't go out, even to walk Adam."
Taemin slowly chews the food in his mouth, breaking their joint gaze. "Why?"
"Just.. for god's sake just stay inside, okay?"
Taemin flinches at the sudden ferocity in Jongin's voice and slowly nods. "Okay. We'll stay in."
Jongin goes silent, eating quickly. Taemin slowly swallows, struggling to get another mouthful. His stomach hurts, exhausted from screaming at him that there are too many warning signs, so many warning signs. Something in him is telling him to ring Jinki in the morning, talk to him about it all, maybe go stay with his brother for a while. Jongin's hand cups Taemin's, breaking him from his thoughts.
"Sorry, that came out... much harsher than I meant it to... Just please stay inside, Tae."
"I don't understand why."
"Look, we'll sit down properly another time when I can think straight, I swear, but right now isn't that time, okay?"
Taemin sighs but nods, pulling his hand away to tilt his pot. "Fine, but there better be a decent reason for all this."
"There is, I swear, but. It's not safe out there."
Or you don't want me to hear the neighbours gossiping about your stupid affair. Have they seen you and your boy-toy? Just messing around and laughing? Ignoring me and your fucking child ?
Taemin keeps his mouth shut, only opening it to slip bits of ramen, catching them with his tongue, slurping the noodles to chew. Jongin doesn’t talk anymore, chewing and slurping before he pushes his stool back. “I’m going to bed, I need to be up early.”
Taemin doesn’t reply; Jongin is already halfway out the room. There’s nothing more to listen to; the mattress squeaks - they need a new one, it’s already been eight years - as Jongin gets into it, but nothing more happens.
Taemin puts his chopsticks down and pushes his pot away. He’s not sure how, but he ends up on the couch. He pulls the couch blanket over his legs, leaning against the arm, fiddling with the fabric. He can feel it; the wool feels different. He runs his fingers over the design - he can feel how the wool is different where it's red, and coarser where it’s orange, the different dye ingredients making the fabric feel ever so slightly different. The pattern plays around in his head, mapping out as he feels over every inch.
He doesn’t know how much time passes but he hears Jongin get up, shower, get dressed. He doesn’t seem to notice Taemin on the couch - doesn’t, or can’t be bothered to say anything.
Silence falls back in the apartment until Lucas’ alarm goes off.
It takes a while for him to potter through the apartment; he usually needs Taemin’s soft encouragement to get out of bed since he’s been forced to work at home. He’s stressed, upset, readjusting, and Taemin has made it a routine to always be there to coax him out of bed.
He seems to sense something is wrong - Lucas’ first request is usually for breakfast, or a whine for a cuddle. This time, it’s silent. His hands trail over the couch; Taemin can hear them, and he reaches out. He wraps his hand gently around Lucas’ wrist and Lucas pulls away. It takes a few moments, but he crawls onto Taemin’s lap.
“I think we should just have a nice long sleep this morning and work a little later.” Taemin presses a kiss to Lucas’ forehead. “You’ve been working super hard this week, I think a small break is in order.”
Lucas makes a noise of excitement and agreement, snuggling onto Taemin’s chest. Taemin settles, laying down and wrapping the couch blanket around them. The usual darkness changes, shifting to one of an enticing other-world, colour sparking across Taemin’s eyes as his dreams take hold.
“Taemin… This is all making me feel uncomfortable.”
Taemin turns his head to Jinki, distracted from Lucas’ delighted squeals as he plays with Roo, raising his eyebrow. “So, it’s definitely not just me?”
“No, Jongin is definitely acting weird and… well, I don’t want to spook you but definitely dodgy.”
Taemin sighs and sips his coffee and slumps in his chair. “I don’t know what to do. I can’t just… just leave or anything like that.”
“Well first thing first, you need to talk to him.”
Taemin nods and leans forward, resting against the table. Jinki sighs. “Jonghyun’s been the same recently, now you mention it. And so are all of his psychologist friends.”
Taemin purses his lips and sits up. “Actually… from the snippets I’ve heard of Jongin talking on the phone, Sehun is the same way. You think there might be something going on with medical workers?”
It goes silent between the brothers.
The only sound to be heard at the kitchen table is the tapping sounds of Jinki’s phone, turned on so Taemin knows that his brother isn’t ignoring him. He’s researching something, likely, at their sudden realisation, so Taemin gets up. He heads into the small living room and sits down with Lucas. He smiles, helping him tug on the toy, making Roo growl softly before she lets go. She sits, if her tail thumping on the floor is anything to go by, panting as she waits for the game to go on.
Lucas laughs, bright and loud, and Taemin’s chest pangs. What if something is going on with Jongin? How will he even try and explain this to their son, that Jongin loves someone else, that he won’t be around the same way he was, that Daddy and Papa won’t be together-
“Tae! Come here.”
Taemin leans forward, pressing a kiss to Lucas’ forehead as he stands up. He heads back into the kitchen and finds his seat, cocking his head slightly at Jinki. “What’s up?”
Jinki stands and walks for a moment; Taemin hears the door from the living room to the kitchen close. “Taemin, I know why Jongin is acting weird. You need to talk to him as soon as he comes home today.”
“I don’t like the sound of that.”
“Taemin, he’s not cheating.” Jinki returns to the table, sitting back down. His phone unlocks and Taemin swallows. “The North declared war on us.”
Taemin’s heart drops to his stomach. It makes sense now. The late nights, not having time to get food - heck, Jongin probably has tried to get food but maybe couldn’t. The begging to not leave the house - he shouldn’t even be here at Jinki’s, he should be at home, with Lucas, safe in their apartment. What if Jongin comes home needing to grab them and flee, or someone’s trying to call the apartment phone to contact him because something-
“Taemin, stop panicking.”
Taemin gasps, dragged out of his thoughts.
He covers his mouth with his hand, shaking slightly. “Why wouldn’t they tell us? Are they in danger?”
“Maybe they haven’t been able to tell us yet, a command or something.” Jinki’s voice is level and calm and his hand reaches out, rubbing over Taemin’s arm. “Breathe, there’s nothing we can do right now. We can’t do anything at the moment.”
“God why wouldn’t he tell us, I can’t keep Lucas safe like this I need help, I need to hire a carer or something I-”
“You’ll move in with us. You’re my little brother and that amazing boy in there is my nephew, whatever I need to do to keep you two safe I’ll do it. We’ll sort out the guest room, you two can stay in there, okay?”
Taemin breathes slowly and nods, jumping when the sound of the kitchen door opening cuts across the room. “Daddy?”
“Lucas, what’s up baby?”
He feels tiny hands fall against his leg and he carefully scoops Lucas up. He cuddles into Taemin’s chest, clinging to his shirt and whines. “Daddy, I’m tired.”
“Oh, did we miss your nap time, sweetheart?”
Lucas whines and nods a little and Taemin holds him tight. Jinki stands murmuring something about setting up the guest room so Lucas can sleep and Taemin closes his eyes. He strokes his hand up and down Lucas’ back, buries his face in his hair and holds him as tight as he dares. He forces himself not to cry and hums softly under his breath.
This is in no way goddamn fair .
Jongin is the first man Taemin’s ever really had a proper connection with. The one relationship of his that has actually stuck , where he’s been treated as human .
And now Jongin might be ripped away from him for something such as politics . He wants to stand up, throw the coffee cups, scream, maybe even throw over the table he’s sat at, but Lucas sits in his lap, breathing slowly. He needs to be careful, not disturb his son, or let him know anything is wrong. Maybe he’ll tell Lucas later but now is not the exact time to tell him. Taemin needs to talk to Jongin first, find out what’s going on, what risk their sun is at.
Lucas is suddenly lifted gently from his arms and Taemin slowly stands, following Jinki’s footsteps to the stairs. He falls onto the guest bed and takes Lucas back, holding him tight as Jinki carefully tucks them in. “Try and get some rest, Tae, you deserve it.”
Taemin nods and focuses on Lucas’ breathing, taking a few deep breaths. His head is spinning - will Jongin even come home so they can talk? Will he come home in a few days after covering someone’s shift? He doesn’t even know the extent of this war yet - are they talking bombs dropping on their towns? Are they talking about Jongin being sourced out to the border? Will Jongin even have time to tell him if he’s sent out? Fear tightens in his chest and he does his best not to cry, taking a few quick deep breaths. Lucas is asleep on his chest, if he starts crying the constant jogging of his chest will wake him up.
He stares at the ceiling, forcing himself not to let any emotion out - there’ll be a time for it later. Right now, he needs to focus on being a father, making sure Lucas gets the rest his tiny body needs.
Taemin isn’t sure how long passes or even when he fell asleep but he stirs to a familiar hand on his cheek. He’s disorientated and panics for a moment when Lucas isn’t in his arms but relaxes when he feels Lucas next to him. He reaches out and places a hand to his chest and feels that Lucas is still napping; his breathing is much too slow for him to be awake.
“What are you doing here?”
Taemin sits upright, gasping as he turns to Jongin.
“God damn it, Tae, I told you to stay the fuck at home.” Arms wrap tightly around Taemin and Jongin buries his face into the side of Taemin’s neck. “Christ, don’t do that to me, I got home and you weren’t there.”
Normally, Taemin would wrap his arms around Jongin and apologise, whisper sweet nothings about how much he loves Jongin so much and he’s sorry but this time, his anger and fear returns to him.
Wordlessly, he pushes Jongin off of him and stands. He finds his way to the doorway and he can hear Jongin following him. The door shuts and Taemin walks down to the end of the hallway, arms crossed tightly across his chest. There’s silence between them for a moment before Taemin bursts into tears.
“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?”
“Tae! Tae, what’s wrong? Tell you what?”
Jongin tries to hug Taemin but he pushes him off, looking away. “We’re in a fucking war and you didn’t tell me? How the fuck am I meant to keep Lucas safe? How the fuck was I supposed to know what the weird behaviour from you has been recently? For fuck’s sake I just spent weeks thinking you were cheating on me to find out from my brother hey remember, Jongin’s a paramedic and by the way we’re at fucking war !”
Jongin doesn’t say anything for a moment and Taemin covers his face, slowly sinking into a crouch as the emotions hit him harder. “For fucks sake Jongin, what if something had happened and I didn’t know? How am I supposed to tell Lucas he lost his Papa if I don’t even know. How am I meant to look after him in something like that if I’m not even prepared ? What the fuck is wrong with you, keeping something like this from me?”
Jongin doesn’t speak for a second - for maybe a bit too long - but he sighs. “I didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to even begin to approach it. And we aren’t even really at war just yet but it’s gearing up and I didn’t.. I just wanted to keep you safe.”
“How the hell are we meant to stay safe if things escalate and get worse before you got a chance to tell me?!”
“I don’t know .”
Silence falls between them again and Jongin steps forward. Taemin doesn’t push him away this time, letting Jongin hold him tight. He turns his head, crying into Jongin’s neck, gasping for air. “I came here because I thought you were cheating on me. I wanted to talk to Jinki. Jinki’s said he’ll k-keep Lucas and I here so we have someone around to help us keep safe and- and god I thought I was going to lose you.”
Jongin sniffs and kisses the top of Taemin’s head. “God, god, no , I love you so much. I can’t even watch damn porn without feeling guilty I’d never do something like that to you. I just… I just couldn’t think of the words to say, you know? I didn’t know how to tell you.”
“So, Lucas being kicked out of school?”
“A horrid lie. Schools shut down but you and Lucas didn’t know . Junmyeon, Lucas’ teacher, he said he’ll work later on when things are more stable to help home school Lucas and come over when he can to make sure Lucas doesn’t fall behind.”
“But he’ll be recruited?”
“He’s a disabled child teacher, he’s certain he can get out of it.”
Taemin nods, the tears still falling down his cheeks but being able to breathe a bit better. They stay that way for a moment before Taemin sniffs and pulls back, wiping his eyes. “So, what’s the situation?”
“It’s just at the border right now. They’ve pulled most paramedics and fire crew from our area and sent them over to keep the troops there as safe as we can. For me, it’s mostly fine, we’re just extremely stretched covering as much area as possible. Most of the new paramedics that were hired were sent to hospitals in towns near the border in case of a potential influx of injuries or are at the border itself. We’re on high alert, any of us could be called out if it spreads from the border, but it’s contained to a small area for now.”
Taemin nods and lets out a breath. “Okay.”
“I think you moving in with Jinki and Jonghyun would be good. We’d see each other less but… but you’ll be safe in the chance of things getting worse. I haven’t been able to properly get food and everything for you guys right now, you need someone who’s going to be able to help you out there and it’s closer to teachers and such for Lucas. I can come and drop in whenever I have a spare moment. I think you two staying here will be safer. I’d rather know you two are safe than constantly worrying about you whilst I’m at work.”
Taemin nods. “I agree. Lucas has been all out of sorts recently himself so having a more stable environment I think will do better for him to be able to study.”
“I’ll go home.” Jongin sighs and steps back. “I’ll go back home and pack up a bunch of stuff. Your clothes and everything, get Adam packed up so he can come over. I’ll contact the guide dog charity who’s sorting out Lucas’ and let them know of the address change. I’ll go shopping too, get you guys your favourites.”
Taemin smiles and nods. “Not yet… When do you have to go back to work?”
“I have the rest of the day off.”
“Then come and lay with us, come cuddle. I don’t remember the last time we had a proper cuddle as a family.”
Jongin laughs, softly. “Later.” He steps forward and kisses Taemin’s forehead. “
I should go and get all of this done. When I’m done maybe Jinki will let us take over the television and have a small movie night, or something. God, I’ve missed you two so much… Trust me if I could climb into that bed right now and squeeze you two so hard you end up lodged into my body or something, I would, but I should get this done or I won’t do it the moment you’re in my arms.”
Taemin laughs weakly, shaking his head. “Was that a reference to that horror movie we watched the other month?”
Jongin chuckles and leans in, cupping Taemin’s cheek, kissing him gently. “It was. I’ll be back as soon as humanly possible, okay? Let me just get all this stuff and then I’m yours until my phone rings and I get summoned back to work or until my four am alarm goes off. I promise. Swear it.”
Taemin nods and Jongin disappears, rushing down the hallway.
Taemin leans against the wall and sighs. He’s less insecure now - what the hell was he thinking? Jongin wouldn’t be screwing someone behind his back. He doesn’t know what even possessed him to think that even though at the time it was likely entirely plausible to most people.
But now, he’s even more insecure.
How many days do they have before the war - god forbid - takes Jongin from him?