Chapter Text
In hindsight, Feng Xin's crush on Xie Lian should have been obvious.
He's adored Xie Lian since the day they met as kids on the palace grounds sparring with wooden swords, and he's never left His Highness' side since.
Xie Lian was His Royal Highness the Crown Prince, the heart of the universe, the correct path of the human world, and Feng Xin spent the better part of his youth spinning around Xie Lian like a planet in orbit, caught in a nameless gravity, too captivated to tear himself away.
Still, somehow it takes the unlikely combination of a series of events involving no less than: His Highness’ #1 Suitor Li Yuzhu, Mu Qing's dark twisted insinuations, and a sparring match with His Highness himself for Feng Xin to realize it all.
They’re sixteen when the very beginnings of the epiphany first germinates.
It’s a day like any other on the training grounds of the Royal Holy Pavilion, and Feng Xin is searching for Xie Lian, having been tasked by Guoshi to fetch him.
"Dianxia! Where are you? Guoshi is looking for you!" Feng Xin calls, cupping his hands around his mouth. Instead of an answer, he hears -
Soft laughter coming from behind a pillar. High-pitched, breathy and suspiciously familiar.
Immediately, he bristles. What the fuck is she doing here?
He marches over, and on the other side of the pillar, sure enough, there she is -
Li Yuzhu. Daughter of one of the highborn families, pretty phoenix eyes and dimpled cheeks, long black hair framing a fair face.
His Highness’ #1 Suitor.
Because Xie Lian is Xie Lian, he has many suitors of all genders lining up attempting to win his favor, but Li Yuzhu is perhaps one of the worst.
She’s been friends with Xie Lian since they were all children playing together because their parents were cultivating good ties with the royal family, and she’s had inappropriate intentions towards Xie Lian for just as long.
Which is far too long.
Feng Xin isn't a big fan of her, never has been, and there isn’t really a reason for it. Something about her just - rubs him the wrong way.
He pushes past a couple of disciples to shoulder his way to the two of them, putting himself between her and Xie Lian. “What are you doing here? Don’t you know these are training grounds specially designated for disciples to cultivate on? Not just anyone can come here!”
He knows he sounds pretty hostile, but he's always sounded like that when talking to His Highness' simpering, sycophantic suitors. He can't help it, okay?
At the sound of his voice, both Xie Lian and Li Yuzhu turn in his direction. A fine furrow appears between Li Yuzhu's elegant painted brows.
"I'm here to see Lian-gege, of course,” Li Yuzhu answers, and Feng Xin gags, shuddering at the nauseating pet name.
Ah, yes. Now he remembers why he’s never liked her.
“That’s ‘His Royal Highness the Crown Prince’ to you!” he snaps. “Or have you forgotten who you're talking to?"
A hand lands on Feng Xin’s shoulder placatingly.
"Feng Xin, it's alright, I let her in,” Xie Lian reassures. “And we're all old friends here, there's no need to be so formal when addressing me."
At Xie Lian’s touch, Feng Xin’s rage cools a little, but he still shoots Li Yuzhu a venomous glare before meeting Xie Lian’s eyes. "She may be a familiar face, but she should still show some respect!"
“It’s alright, Feng Xin, I don’t mind,” Xie Lian answers with a casual wave of his hand.
Feng Xin wants to protest further, but since Xie Lian’s brown eyes on his are warm and pleading, he bites back his instinctive response and instead only makes a huff of annoyance.
Knowing she’s won this round, Li Yuzhu’s mouth curls into a smug smile that irritates Feng Xin like everything else about her.
“If that’s all, Feng Xin, I hope you’ll excuse us, Lian-gege and I have matters to discuss,” she says primly. And then, touching a hand to Xie Lian's elbow - which makes Feng Xin positively seethe - she turns and leaves with Xie Lian, the two of them heading for a stone pavilion to sit and talk.
Feng Xin glares at their retreating backs, cursing loudly.
"What the fuck! What matters do they have to discuss that are so important she has to come all the way here in person?? Couldn't send a damn letter?? She’s clearly up to no good!"
He's still scratching his head and fuming when he hears a snort from behind him.
“You really like him, huh.”
At the sound of that cool voice, Feng Xin whips around - and of fucking course it’s Mu Qing, leaning against a pillar haughtily with his arms crossed and a strange look glittering in his eyes.
“What the fuck, you’ve been here eavesdropping all along?”
“I wasn’t eavesdropping, you were yelling so loud everyone from three li away could hear you.”
“Stop exaggerating. Also, why did you mean by ‘You really like him?’” Feng Xin shoots Mu Qing an odd look. “Of course I do. He's His Highness. Who doesn’t like him?”
Something in Mu Qing’s eyes flash at that.
“Not everyone worships the ground he walks on," Mu Qing answers, a dark edge to his voice.
As usual, Mu Qing’s attitude rubs Feng Xin the wrong way. Another motherfucker who hangs around Dianxia too often and irritates Feng Xin.
“You don’t show him enough respect,” Feng Xin shoots back.
Mu Qing rolls his eyes again. “You’re very protective of him, aren’t you?” he counters, voice dripping with sarcasm.
“Of course I am? He’s my best friend, I need to make sure all these people pursuing him don’t have any untoward intentions towards him!”
“Right. Because that’s all there is to it. Nothing else, nothing untoward.”
And with that, Feng Xin has officially had enough of Mu Qing’s bullshit.
“What do you want, Mu Qing?” he glares. “If you have something to say, then just say it straight. Don't act all weird and sarcastic!"
Mu Qing sneers again. “Forget it.”
He pushes off the pillar, turning to leave - but Feng Xin moves too, putting himself in Mu Qing's path. “You clearly wanted to say something, so spit it out!“
Mu Qing pauses in his step and turns to face Feng Xin, crossing his arms again. “I already said what I wanted to, I have better things to do than argue with you all day.”
He makes to step around Feng Xin, but Feng Xin catches Mu Qing’s elbow before he can. He’s not letting Mu Qing leave until he finds out exactly what the fucker meant earlier!
"I know you had something to say! Can’t you just fucking say it?”
Mu Qing’s eyes land on Feng Xin’s fingers on his elbow, before flicking up to meet Feng Xin’s, his expression now irate.
“Don’t touch me,” he says coldly, pushing Feng Xin’s hand off.
But Feng Xin isn’t done talking.
"Why do you always have to speak in such a roundabout way?" he demands. "Why can't you ever just say what you mean!"
Mu Qing's eyes flash with irritation. “Can’t you learn to use that thick head of yours for once?”
Feng Xin opens his mouth to retort, but Mu Qing beats him to it.
“For something other than archery and His Highness,” the damn fucker adds, crossing his arms again.
Feng Xin bristles. “The fuck is that supposed to mean? I think about things other than archery and His Highness!”
Mu Qing sneers again. Cocking an eyebrow, he asks, eyes alight with amusement, “Oh really? Can you name three people you think about other than His Highness?”
“The fuck, of course I can - “ Feng Xin starts, but then falls silent.
Come to think of it, who the fuck does he think about, other than Xie Lian?
He's on decent terms with the other disciples, but he doesn't often exchange much beyond small talk with them, preferring to spend most of his days either by Xie Lian’s side or practicing archery.
He talks to Guoshi, but the old fool isn't on his mind, of course, and Feng Xin isn't really the type for homesickness, though he writes letters back home every now and then.
He likes girls well enough, but there aren't many of them at the Royal Holy Pavilion, and he's too busy attending to Xie Lian and training these days, to spend much time thinking about girls.
So that leaves...
...Mu Qing.
Fuck! No way in hell. He only thinks about Mu Qing because he hates him, for fuck’s sake. And he only thinks about His Highness because it's Feng Xin's job to think of him! It’s nothing like what Mu Qing is implying, at all!
As if Mu Qing can read Feng Xin’s thoughts, Mu Qing’s eyes shine brighter. His smirk turns even more smug, if that were possible - gloating, almost.
“Just admit it, you have a little crush on His Highness."
"What the fuck??” Feng Xin frowns so hard that he doesn't think his eyebrows can go any lower. “What the actual fuck?? So that's what you wanted to say?”
Mu Qing tilts his chin up, which Feng Xin takes as confirmation. "And what if it was? Am I wrong?"
“What the fuck?? What kind of thoughts are you thinking in that twisted little mind of yours? That's not even true, what the fuck?"
"Sure, keep lying to yourself,” Mu Qing snaps.
With a sweep of his sleeves, he whips around and leaves, long ponytail whirling.
“Get the fuck back here, motherfucker!” Feng Xin yells after him, but Mu Qing ignores him pointedly, leaving Feng Xin to seethe in silence.
He forgets Mu Qing’s bizarre insinuation soon after, having dismissed it as just another one of the dark conspiracies only Mu Qing’s twisted little head can cook up.
But then the reappearance of Li Yuzhu, Thorn In Feng Xin’s side, puts the thought back into his head again.
Two weeks later, he spots her back on Mount Taicang.
There on one of the stone pavilions by the pond, are Xie Lian and Li Yuzhu, sitting very, very close together, their clothed knees almost brushing. Li Yuzhu throws her head back and laughs at something that Xie Lian said, and Xie Lian reveals a bemused smile, brown eyes full of mirth.
Fury flares in Feng Xin’s gut.
Back again? Gods, does Li Yuzhu even know what the Royal Holy Pavilion is for? But then again, he should have known that motherfucker wouldn't back down so easily, that she would find a way to sneak back onto the mountain again and sneak her way into Xie Lian’s heart.
And if that wasn't enough, he sees something that makes him wish he could gouge his eyes out.
Li Yuzhu produces a box out of nowhere, and offers it to Xie Lian, whose face lights up in delight.
She laughs again, muttering few words that have Xie Lian smiling wider. Then, she carefully unwraps the box and takes something out - squinting, Feng Xin can just make out the shape of osmanthus cakes- and places a slice directly into Xie Lian’s mouth. Laughing, Xie Lian takes a few bites, before picking up another cake from the box and holding it out to her too.
What the fuck??! What the actual fuck??! Who the fuck does Li Yuzhu think she is??! His Highness’ wife??!!
At the sight of Li Yuzhu ducking her head to take bites of the cake straight from Xie Lian’s hand, Feng Xin sees red right away.
Heat flares under his skin, and before he knows it, he’s already marching over to them.
“What the fuck are you doing here again?” he demands. “Don’t you know the Royal Holy Pavilion is cultivators' grounds?”
Li Yuzhu turns to him and blinks innocently, shrugging. “Lian-gege let me in.”
Xie Lian nods. “It’s alright, Feng Xin, she came to visit me.”
“What the fuck - But, Your Highness, it’s not appropriate - ”
Li Yuzhu frowns. “What’s not appropriate about visiting a good friend?”
“Everything!” Feng Xin splutters. “Why the fuck are you - are you feeding him like that - His Highness doesn’t even like cakes!”
Xie Lian frowns. “They’re alright ah?”
“When we were kids, you never liked them - you said you didn’t like the way they stuck to your teeth.“
Xie Lian had been a picky eater for most of his childhood, though he’s started to grow out of it in recent years. But Feng Xin always remembered, for it was whim who had informed the cooks at the Royal Holy Pavilion, ensuring they were aware of Xie Lian’s dietary needs.
Li Yuzhu claps a hand to her mouth. “Ah, my apologies, Lian-gege, I won’t give them to you anymore.”
“No, it’s alright, Li gu-niang, I don’t mind. These were really delicious, many thanks.”
She smiles at Xie Lian, and he mirrors her expression. Feng Xin gags.
Jeez, have they forgotten he’s still standing right here??
“Still - still, you can’t feed him like that! You’re not even his betrothed?”
At that, she turns to Feng Xin, and gives him a wink, which Xie Lian can’t see from his angle.
“What - What the fuck - What the actual fuck - You’re betrothed...? You’re betrothed to His Highness The Crown Prince?”
Xie Lian’s brows furrow. “Ah? We're not…?”
Li Yuzhu rolls her eyes. “Fine, we’re not,” she says curtly, but Feng Xin hears the hidden “Yet.”
He ignores her and turns to Xie Lian. “You’re really not? You… You’re not seeing her or anything, Your Highness?”
Xie Lian shakes his head. “I’m not,” he confirms. “Feng Xin, why are you asking this all of a sudden?”
“I-It’s nothing,” Feng Xin says quickly. “It’s just, you always said you weren’t going to marry -”
“And I still stand by that,” Xie Lian says. Then Xie Lian gives Feng Xin's shoulder an affectionate shove. “Don’t worry, Feng Xin, I’m not abandoning you for a maiden,” Xie Lian jokes, and Feng Xin’s heart skips a beat, heat creeping up his chest and cheeks. Gods, why is his face so warm right now?
Feng Xin clears his throat, trying to remain calm. “That-that’s a relief, then. Glad it’s all cleared up now.”
He hears a sigh coming from Li Yuzhu. “Now if you’ll excuse us, we have cakes to finish.”
“Fine, I’ll leave you two to it,” Feng Xin mumbles gruffly, reluctantly conceding defeat.
Unsure if he can stand the sight of Xie Lian and Li Yuzhu together any moment longer, Feng Xin spins on his heels and storms away. He needs to - he needs to cool his head, he needs to shoot a few arrows, he needs to punch something.
He's still buzzing with anger from the whole incident - Li Yuzhu barging into the Royal Holy Pavilion again as if she lives here, Li Yuzhu and Xie Lian feeding each other like sickeningly sweet lovebirds - ew, Feng Xin wants to retch all over again at that memory.
He needs something to do to keep his mind away from that disgusting mental image, and archery has always been the best thing for blowing off some steam.
So he heads straight for the archery range, pulling his bow and arrow from off his back. He stands in front of the target boards, nocking arrows on his drawstring and letting the satisfying sound of the arrows whizzing through the air and landing on bulls’ eye clear the noise in his head.
He is a little more forceful than necessary with the arrows, and Mu Qing, that little fucker, appears out of nowhere and just has to stick his nose into everything.
He doesn’t notice Mu Qing until he hears a snort coming from behind him, and a familiar snide voice quipping, “Did that target board personally offend you?”
Feng Xin whirls around, and of-fucking-course that fucker is there again. "Why the fuck are you here?" Why was Mu Qing everywhere?
"You disappeared for so long, I thought you'd died," Mu Qing sneers.
Feng Xin ignores him, nocking and releases his next arrow viciously. It sings through the air, burying itself deep in the middle of the target. "Fuck off. Unfortunately for you, I'm very much alive."
Mu Qing snickers. “Well, that board isn't. I’m not sure how much of your abuse the poor board can take."
Feng Xin wants to stab him. "Shut the fuck up. Your face offends me."
Mu Qing makes a show of rolling his eyes. “Li Yuzhu came over again, didn't she?”
How the fuck did he know?
“Yeah. Gods, I’ve had enough of her! Always barging in as if she lives here and His Highness is her secret lover…” He accidentally pulls the drawstring of his bow with more force than is necessary, and the arrow sails through the air, landing just to the right of bull’s eye, drawing a curse out of Feng Xin. “I’m going to have a talk to the other disciples, tell them to stop letting her in. She’s gone too far.”
Mu Qing isn’t speaking, only watching him with an unreadable expression.
Then the fucker repeats the words he said a week ago, with a tone just as strange as back then, “You’re really protective of him, aren’t you?
Feng Xin stops his abuse of the target board and turns to glare at Mu Qing. “Of course I’m protective of him? I’m his bodyguard, it’s my job to protect him. His Majesty will have my head if I don't.”
Mu Qing scoffs loudly, and rolls his eyes harder than usual, if that’s even possible. “Because one nobleman’s daughter is that much of a threat to His Highness’ safety?”
“She-she’s suspicious!” Feng Xin retorts. “You never know what she has up her sleeve!”
“What’s she going to do?” Mu Qing sneers, “Poison His Highness?”
Feng Xin stills, lowering his bow at once. “Fuck, you think so? ...Shit, she just gave him a box of cakes, who knows what she could have slipped in? Goddammit, I should have checked those before letting His Highness - "
Mu Qing rolls his eyes so hard Feng Xin can almost hear them rattling in his skull. “You really don’t use that thick skull of yours, do you? Of course Li Yuzhu isn’t going to poison His Highness. She’s annoying but harmless. His Highness doesn't need your protection either. He's almost a grown man, he can take care of himself.“
“O-Of course I know that! His Highness' martial skills are so good, of course he can defend himself against anything. But still… I just don’t like Li Yuzhu. There’s something fishy about her, always has been. Ever since we were kids.”
Mu Qing scoffs again, rolling his eyes. He mutters something under his breath that Feng Xin doesn’t quite manage to catch, except for one word that sounds suspiciously like "jealous".
“What the fuck? Did you just call me jealous?" Feng Xin protests indignantly. "Of who? I'm not fucking jealous!"
Mu Qing looks like he's about to disagree, so Feng Xin snaps, "It's not what you think, I don't have a crush on His Highness!"
Mu Qing scoffs again, crossing his arms impatiently. “Yeah right, keep telling yourself whatever you need to sleep at night.”
“Why the fuck are you going on about this again, anyway? Why are you so obsessed with the idea of me having feelings for His Highness? For all I know, you're the one who has a crush on His Highness.”
He's expecting Mu Qing to sneer again and hurl another cold remark at him, but Mu Qing flinches instead, going very, very quiet.
His eyes dart away swiftly, but not before Feng Xin catches them flashing with something -
Something almost resembling anger. A brief moment of fear, as if bracing for something. Hurt.
What the fuck?
“Why do you have that funny look on your face? “ Feng Xin asks suspiciously. “I was just messing around, don't tell me - “
Mu Qing's eyes snap back to Feng Xin’s at once. His expression is livid now, mouth set in a thin line, fingers gripping his elbows so tightly his knuckles are turning white.
“Shut up, Feng Xin,” Mu Qing hisses, eyes glaring daggers.
"What the fuck's gotten into you?"
"I said shut up," Mu Qing snaps again. “You understand nothing.”
And with that, he spins around and stalks away, leaving Feng Xin to wonder what the fuck just happened.
Does Mu Qing have a crush on His Highness?
No fucking way. Feng Xin must have been mistaken. There must have been another reason behind his weird as fuck behaviour.
...Ugh, who cares. Mu Qing is a bastard full of convoluted-as-fuck bullshit that Feng Xin does not want to waste time thinking about.
He picks up his bow again, itching to get his mind off all this crap, and shoots another fifteen arrows before he finally feels better, alternating between imagining Li Yuzhu's face on the target board and Mu Qing's.
Mu Qing is wrong, he huffs to himself indignantly.
Feng Xin is not overprotective of His Highness, and not jealous of Li Yuzhu.
Why the fuck would he be jealous of her, anyway? She’s just an annoying motherfucker who spends way too much time trying to flirt with Xie Lian and probably worm her way into his future harem. Feng Xin is right not to trust her.
He exerts a little too force again, and the arrow thunks loudly onto bull's eye.
...Okay, so maybe Feng Xin can get a little protective. But who wouldn’t be protective of your best friend, a best friend who has way too many suitors trying to pursue him all the damn time, trying all sorts of tricks, even trying to stalk him in the Royal Holy Pavilion? Anyone in their right mind would want to screen those suitors, to make sure they don’t have any hidden plans or improper intentions!
And besides, it's only Feng Xin’s job to protect Xie Lian and keep him safe, as his personal bodyguard. His Highness is the one and only Crown Prince of Xianle, one of the kingdom’s four treasures, and the King would have Feng Xin’s head if anything happened to his son. Feng Xin values his head, thank you very much. It doesn't mean he has feelings for Xie Lian, for fuck's sake, he's merely doing his job!
It isn’t like Mu Qing says, alright?
Because yes, Xie Lian may be handsome, and brave, and the best fighter of their generation, and kind and compassionate on top of that, but fucking hell, that does not mean Feng Xin has a goddamn crush on Xie Lian, for fuck’s sake.
...Or does he???
He just admires Xie Lian, that’s all, and of course he loves his prince, who doesn't?
His prince is kind, and strong, and brave, and gorgeous, and when he smiles it's like the sun rising above the mountains, and when the light hits his eyes just so, they light up golden in the sunlight and…
Fuck!
Surely everyone has had thoughts like these about their best friends?
…Ugh, Feng Xin is this close to tearing his own hair out.
The next day, Feng Xin agitatedly flips through a book on philosophy, his mind still mulling over the matter.
Guoshi has tasked all the disciples with reading and memorizing this book, insisting that it's important for their "education", and Feng Xin is just about to fall asleep trying to get through it.
Xie Lian chooses that moment to approach, tapping him on the shoulder. “Feng Xin, are you free today?”
At Xie Lian's voice, Feng Xin turns, glad for an excuse to put down that horrendously boring book.
Xie Lian is smiling at him, and Feng Xin feels the corners of his own lips tug up of their own accord. “Yeah, Your Highness? Of course I’m free.”
“Can you come spar with me? There’s a new move I want to practice, and Mu Qing is away visiting his mother.”
Usually Xie Lian spars with Mu Qing, since Feng Xin tends to favour the bow and arrow while Mu Qing shares Xie Lian’s preference for blades. The knowledge that Xie Lian chose Feng Xin today causes warm pleasure to spread through Feng Xin's chest.
“Of course!"
“Excellent!” Xie Lian beams. He grabs Feng Xin’s hands, pulling him to the armoury, Feng Xin’s pulse quickening too in excitement.
At the armory, he selects a broad, sturdy-looking sword. Xie Lian hums approvingly.
He gives it a few practice jabs, and they begin sparring for real.
As expected, Xie Lian is really good, parrying every move of Feng Xin's easily and even pre-empting some before Feng Xin even lunges.
Of course, Feng Xin isn’t as skilled with the sword as he is with the bow, but he can hold his own in a swordfight for a decent length of time. He does his best to parry Xie Lian's nimble movements and block Xie Lian's lunges, their blades occasionally meeting in resounding clashes.
It ends with Xie Lian pinning Feng Xin to the ground with a sword, eyes bright and cheeks flushed, and for a moment, Feng Xin’s world stops, narrowing down to only this moment -
This close, he can see every long black lash framing Xie Lian’s eyes. Xie Lian’s very, very pretty golden-brown eyes. He can even see each bead of perspiration glistening on Xie Lian’s skin, like dewdrops on morning leaves. And the curve of his lips as Xie Lian smiles. Gods, his lips. Full and smooth and -
Fuck.
Forcefully, Feng Xin wrenches his gaze away, turning his head to the side, biting down on his own lip so hard he almost tastes blood.
Fortunately, Xie Lian is still grinning, oblivious, as he lifts his sword and offers Feng Xin a hand up, which Feng Xin takes gratefully, scrambling to his feet. “Feng Xin, that was good.”
“I - “ Feng Xin tries, and finds that his throat is painfully dry.
Gods. Why is his throat so dry?
He forces himself to swallow, throat working. Then he blurts out, “Y-Your Highness! I gotta go, I’m sorry -”
Xie Lian’s brow furrows. “Huh? Where are you going?”
“I, I’ve just remembered, Guoshi said he was testing me on philosophical values later today, and I have to finish reading that damn book - I’ll see you later, Your Highness!” he yells, and hastily flees the room, not daring a glance back.
He stomps through the hallways, ignoring the disciples who shoot him strange looks as he passes by.
Gods. What the fuck just happened?
He was just sparring with Xie Lian, and then - and then -
Fuck, Xie Lian was so close all of a sudden, and Feng Xin's throat got so dry, and -
At the memory of Xie Lian’s lips so close to his own, Feng Xin's mouth dries up all over again. And then something - something twinges in Feng Xin's chest. Painfully. A pull in his gut, the briefest flash of an image in his mind's eye of meeting his Highness' lips -
And it's then when it hits Feng Xin.
Oh gods.
Fuck.
That's when Feng Xin finally realizes.
Fucking hell.
He’s in love with Xie Lian.
He’s been in love with Xie Lian since they were twelve and Xie Lian made him pinky promise that their friendship would last forever and Feng Xin would never leave him; he’s been in love with Xie Lian since they were thirteen and Xie Lian told him, if I had to pick a bodyguard, I’d choose you; he's been in love with Xie Lian since they were fourteen and Xie Lian had a nightmare and couldn’t sleep, and went into Feng Xin’s quarters in the Royal Holy Pavillion, climbing onto the bed with Feng Xin and Feng Xin pretended to put up a big fuss just to hide the way his heart was beating much faster than it should.
It all makes sense now.
The way he fended off Li Yuzhu and all those other people after the crown prince’s heart. The way he spent months jealous of Mu Qing the first time Mu Qing was officially appointed as Xie Lian's personal attendant, and still kinda hates Mu Qing for it. The way he feels when Xie Lian takes his hand or touches his shoulder, like something bright and soft and large is swelling in Feng Xin's chest, about to burst free from his ribs.
Fuck.
Mu Qing was right.
That fucker is actually right.
Feng Xin is surely going to be beheaded for treasonous thoughts about his own crown prince.
He’s wholly, absolutely, horrifyingly fucked.