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If you had been faster, maybe you could have saved them. Maybe you could have saved someone. If you had been able to rise above your own weak heart, maybe you could have saved them. Maybe their still fresh blood wouldn’t be carelessly splattered across the trees within Titan Forest.
Your own blood begins to drip into your eyes from an open gash on your head. All of your movements feel incredibly slow in the air, the mocking hiss of the gas from your gear whistling into silence.
It’s just you, your dead teammates and the Female Titan in the middle of the forest. You can vaguely hear Eren screaming for you. Screaming for your dead teammates. Screaming for Levi. You hear yourself shouting at Eren to get out of here as you unsheath your blades with a sharp click.
Her eyes are narrowed at you, as if daring you to come forward. You lunge forward, ignoring the black spots in your vision and wondering how this was the moment. How this was the moment that you were surely going to die.
What a way to die, though. Alongside your friends. Your team. Your family.
But Levi. Your Captain. Your Captain who has lost so much. Your Captain who just lost his team, his team that you could do nothing to save.
Rage washes over you, and you hear Eren screaming again. Except it feels much closer this time, the pain reverberating in your ears. Your ODM cables latch on to the shoulders of the Female Titan, your blades are swift, and you’re so close, you can nearly taste the shredding of her muscles-
And then you’re in the air again, an arm around your waist. You’re hurtling through the air, away from the Female Titan. Eren is still screaming- god, won’t that kid just shut up?
Your arms are still outstretched towards the Female Titan and you look up, only to be met with Levi’s unreadable but piercing gaze. Something flickers across his face but it’s gone as soon as it comes.
You realize that it’s not Eren who’s been screaming this whole time. It’s you. Your throat is certainly bleeding by now, at the very least, it feels sore but it means nothing as you glance over Levi’s shoulder and see Petra’s body slumped against the tree. She’s facing the sky with empty eyes and it makes your blood go cold. Petra had always loved being outdoors- every time the two of you were outside, whether it was for training or finding wood, she told you to quit complaining about whatever chore it was, because at least you were able to be outside.
Her eyes had always been full of wonder and been brighter than the sky itself whenever she was in the presence of a bright, blue sky. You think she’s brighter than the sun itself.
And now her body is going cold, rotting at the floor of this forest of Hell.
You can’t see Oluo or Eld’s mangled bodies in the trees. You can’t see Gunther hanging from his broken cables. You only see the Female Titan, and you only see a distant, cold rage that buries itself deep in your throat. It rips through you with the force of a thousand blades and Levi tightens his hold when you start fighting against his grip with murder in your eyes.
Their bodies are fading away from your sight, meshing with the trees and shadows but you need to go back.
“I need to kill her,” You say hoarsely, the first sentence you’ve said since Levi found you.
“No,” Levi says easily, and you push against him again.
“I can do it. I need to do it!” You exclaim and wince when your side rubs against Levi’s cape.
“No. You’re out of gas, you’re bleeding from your head and you have a concussion. Our team is dead and I won’t-” Levi cuts himself off with a soft ‘tch’, “No. Be quiet. Listen.”
He says it so easily, as if his team being dead doesn’t shatter him. No matter how used to it he is, it always hurts like the first time. He doesn’t allow his mind to wander, ignoring past faces to focus on yours.
A bright flash of electricity, of green and yellow, and then a roar of pain that could only belong to a Titan.
“Eren,” You whisper. Levi says nothing, only looking ahead through the trees. His slate grey eyes are as distant as ever and you take a page out of your Captain’s book and swallow the immense loss. You store the memories of Petra’s hauntingly empty eyes, of Oluo’s half broken face, of Eld’s mangled legs, of Gunther with a hole in his chest. You store them in a place that you’ll open later, when you have no other choice to.
For now, you hold onto Levi as he whisks you away to safety.
***
You’ve seen death. You’ve seen the death of comrades, of enemies, of teammates, of acquaintances over the years. Every time you think you can stomach it for the next time, it feels like the first time. This feels different, though. Maybe it’s because Levi squad has been one of the longest standing teams in the Survey Corps thus far. Maybe you had gotten comfortable, maybe cocky, maybe invincible with the Wings of Freedom on your back.
You had been in the Survey Corps longer than any of them- you and Erwin had been in the same training group. You’re a veteran of the Corps by all means and had been a Squad Leader under Commander Shadis. But when Erwin had become Commander, he asked you to join the Special Operations Team, to be headed by Levi.
It made sense. Despite the years you’d put into the Survey Corps, you know Levi was meant to be Captain. Mike and Hange had teased you, telling you that it must have stung to know that a newcomer in comparison to you was promoted before you. And now you’d be his subordinate.
You had taken it in stride, telling them that Levi would have to earn your respect before you’d ever call him Captain. But in reality, he had your respect. All of it. You’ve seen him in action, you’ve seen him make difficult calls. You’ve seen him from the beginning, from when Erwin had brought him up from the Underground District. He’s always had your respect.
As a veteran, you should know better than to fight Levi on trying to go back for your team. You should know better than to recklessly face off with the Female Titan when you had no gas and were clearly injured.
But this time. This time, it was different. You’ve known helplessness, but this pales in comparison.
Your breaths are steady against Levi’s neck, eyes focused behind him and around the periphery. The sun is heavy against your back as she breathes down your neck. You look up, eyes tearing from the intensity of it. The adrenaline begins to wear off, black dots coating your vision and Levi feels you slumping against him. He looks down at you, seeing your eyes starting to close.
He calls your name, shaking you awake, “Stay awake. That’s an order.”
You groan and rub the side of your face, “Yes, Captain.”
“We’re close,” Levi says, looking ahead and you nod as you try to fight off the urge to close your eyes.
***
Levi has never known you to be reckless. You’re many things- quick on your feet, intuitive and seasoned, but not reckless. So he doesn’t know what to think when he finds you flying towards the Female Titan with your blades in front of you. With blood dripping down your face and pain being ripped from your throat.
If he was listening from far away, he would almost think that your screams are the screams of a Titan.
He doesn’t know what to think of the bloodlust in your eyes and the already settling grief underneath. You’ve been around long enough to know how to grieve.
He supposes he doesn’t know what to think of you right now because he feels it, too. Tendrils of a familiar pain and anguish squeeze around his heart, curling into him in a way that shouldn’t feel as much like home as it does.
But Levi hates seeing it painted in the lines of your face. He has to get you out of there before you get yourself killed.
He could handle it if you did get yourself killed, he thinks grimly, but he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to carry your broken body back to the base. He doesn’t want to put you on the pyre, with your other fallen teammates. Levi has to see you blink at him in annoyance at least once more. Levi has to feel you playfully shove him during training at least once more. Levi has to see you rag on the younger recruits at least once more. Levi has to have another cup of tea with you once more.
Today is not the day that he’ll lose you. Maybe tomorrow, but not today.
Just as the Female Titan is about to squash you with her hand, you lower your blades and a flash of acceptance settles on your face. Just as you begin to accept that you’re not making it out of this alive, Levi swoops in and it takes a minute for it to register in your mind.
If this was any other time, you would make a joke. Maybe call him your mysterious hero and make eyes at him. Or you’d chew him out for thinking he had to save you so dramatically- this isn’t a fairy tale, Levi, you don’t need to be my prince.
But this isn’t any other time, is it? Levi catches a glimpse of Petra. Oruo. Gunther. Eld.
Levi has never known you to be reckless, but he mostly understands. This is your family. This is his family.
But still, even as he holds you close to him, he can’t help but think. You should know better.
***
You can’t seem to face Levi in the coming days. What were you thinking that day? Did you have a death wish?
You can hear your Captain’s words ringing in your ears. The day the Survey Corps had returned to base, he had scolded you. You think it’s the most he’s ever said at one time-
“Do you have a death wish?” He asks you calmly, eyes striking and icy. You remember the first time these eyes had seen you. You felt exposed and vulnerable. It feels that way once more.
“Levi-” You protest but he cuts you off.
“Do you have a death wish?” Levi repeats, “You think I want to find my second in command with her blades down like that? What were you thinking?”
A pause. Levi thinks you might walk away from him but your eyes turn to steel.
“You should have left me there. I should have died with them,” You say evenly, eyes never leaving his, “I couldn’t save them. It’s only fair.”
“Fair?” Levi scoffs, “Don’t be so… naive. Nothing is fair about any of this, and you know it. You’re lucky I was there-”
“Lucky? You didn’t see them die, Levi. You didn’t hear Eren. You didn’t see Gunther strangled with his own cables. Eld and Uruo get their faces ripped off. Petra’s neck breaking.”
You swear his eyes soften for a moment.
“All I could do was watch,” You whisper, voice cracking, “All I did was watch. I don’t have a death wish, but fuck Levi. Being alive is hard right now. I can’t find a…”
I can’t find a reason. He can hear it in your voice.
“Get some sleep,” Levi says, not unkindly. You nod and salute your Captain, heading back to your room.
You lay awake all night, Petra’s lifeless eyes haunting you.
You’re eating alone in the mess hall, acutely aware that the new recruits are whispering and looking in your direction. You don’t have the energy to tell them to fuck off, or bark at them and ask why they’re wasting time. You hear Eren telling them to shut up and you manage to look up and offer him a smile.
You push your food around on the plate disinterestedly. Why is that day haunting you like this? You’ve lost close teammates before. You’re grieved and moved on relatively quickly each time. Because that was what you were taught in the Survey Corps. To keep moving on. To not regret, because regret makes you question your decisions. It makes you weak.
But how can you not regret? How can you not regret when every time you blink, you see dead faces behind your eyelids?
Maybe it’s a lifetime of suppressing the death of everyone around you. Maybe it’s survivor’s guilt. Either way, you feel like you’re drowning and you can’t seem to find your way to the surface the way you’ve managed to before.
You were out of line with Levi. Telling him he wasn’t there to see his team die. That was a low blow, considering what he’s shared with you about his own past. You need to apologize to him. If anyone would understand, it’s Levi.
Your cold, harsh, unwelcoming Captain. Your Captain that you would die for, though you’re not sure what that means anymore.
***
Hange has already told Levi twice that you’re a shell of yourself. That over the days, you’ve become withdrawn in a way she’s never seen before. Dark circles under your dark eyes are pronounced, your eyes are red with fatigue, and you look like you’re about to fall over.
Despite the brown of your skin, you look ashen and frail. It’s a look Levi hasn’t seen on you and a look that he doesn’t want to get used to.
Levi tells her to go away and to stop worrying about his team. Hange rolls her eyes but lets him be. She focuses her efforts on finding you and keeping you company, rather than scolding Levi.
Levi thinks you’ll snap out of it soon enough. But he is acutely aware when you don’t snap out of it. You and Levi were somewhat close, he would like to think. On days when you knew he was going through a tough time reconciling the present with the past, you always picked up on it and were there with tea or something stronger. Depending on the day. You weren’t afraid to approach him and while being considered Humanity’s Greatest had intimidated you for a while, it didn’t stop you from poking fun at him or from being a friend.
You annoyed him at first, when he was forced to fight with you by Erwin. You were fast, smart in the air, and were good at reading situations on the fly. But you also smiled a lot, you fed into Hange’s insanity. You had that quiet type of caring, the type where you gave everyone’s plates an extra glance to make sure they were well fed.
It was annoying. Did everyone here need to be babied?
But then he came to realize- the small things were all there was left to cherish. The small things- like the laughter of the mess hall during dinner, the cleanliness of his office, the health of his fellow soldiers, and the fact that you make tea just how he likes it.
He wondered for a while how you knew what he liked. Then he realized that you’re more observant than he gave you credit for.
***
Rather than lay in bed and stare at the ceiling with only dead faces to keep you company, you decide to brew some tea. Two cups worth of tea to be exact.
You owe Levi an apology. Now, when you think of that day, you think of Levi’s timeliness. You think of his arms around you, holding you close. You think of him telling you to stay awake. You think of the sound of his cables piercing through the air, with the Titans as background noise. You think of how you were focused on him, and him only.
You think of how despite the layers of dirt, grime, and blood on him, he still somehow smelled so clean. And so him. You think Petra might laugh at you for your thoughts, and that makes you smile.
It’s the middle of the night, the moon hidden by the clouds but the stars illuminating the sky. Moonlight filters in through the window, leaving a silvery hue on your skin.
Two soft knocks at his bedroom door. You wonder if he knows it’s you. You can’t tell if he does when he opens the door, his face as impassive as ever. Levi is only in his white shirt and black pants, but you focus on him.
“What’s this?” He asks, lips pulled back into something resembling a smirk.
“An apology in the form of tea,” You murmur. He pulls the door open further, indicating that you can come in.
“Can’t sleep?” Levi prompts.
You sit on his bed as if you’ve been there a hundred times before.
“Know the feeling?” You snort, offering him his cup of tea. Levi sits next to you, and you ignore his leg brushing with yours. He waits for you to say something, but your eyes are cast into your cup of tea.
“I’m sorry,” You begin, “For saying what I said that day. It’s not fair to throw their deaths in your face like that.”
“You were angry. It has to go somewhere. I can take it, I’m your Captain. That’s my job.”
“Yes, but…” You pause, unsure of your words, “Who takes it for you?”
The question makes Levi pause and you wonder if you’ve crossed a line. He says nothing, but he doesn’t tell you to get out. So that’s a good sign. He just drinks his tea.
“You call me your second in command,” You whisper, reaching for him, “I can take it, too.”
Levi turns his head to face you, slate grey eyes seemingly blue in the moonlight. You’re stricken with the urge to push his hair back and you do. Or at least, you attempt to. He catches your wrist just as you’re about to touch him. He’s only a few breaths away- you can see the sharpness of his cheekbones and the reflection of the moonlight in his eyes. His grip is gentle, reminding you a little bit of that day when he had saved you from sure death.
“Don’t do that again,” Levi whispers, something soft cracking and swirling in his eyes, “I can’t find you like that again. I can’t-”
“I know,” You reply with a small smile, “I know. I’m sorry. If it makes you feel any better. I’m glad you found me.”
“Look forward with me,” Levi murmurs, thumb rubbing your hand, “Look forward with me.”
His touch sends an unfamiliar electric calmness through you and you nod. Levi takes another sip of his tea, hand warm over yours as you both sit in silence. He won’t lose you today. Maybe tomorrow, but not today.