Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

1/24

Sorry I haven’t written for a while- Wait. Why am I apologizing? This is my diary (journal? Log? Anything less embarrassing than diary?). The point is, it’s my space. No parents to disappoint, no siblings to torture me, no fake friends to laugh airily at jokes that aren’t even funny. And no humans to ruin my life.

Yeah, I said human.

Turns out, they’re real, and they’re also absolutely insufferable. You should’ve seen this one. Ugly round ears, bizarre, inappropriate outfit, and COMPLETE disregard for what it means to be a real witch. It was horrific. Even worse, she’s friends with Willow. Of all the witches on The Boiling Isles, the human had to befriend Willow. Of course!!! It’s like this girl showed up exclusively to ruin my life.

She even almost took my Top Student status out from under me. I went almost an entire day without that star. It was terrifying. Without it, it was like my entire identity had been taken away. I felt like there was nothing tethering me to the ground anymore, like I’d float away and become nothing unless I got it back.

I…I don’t know where to stand if it’s not on top. I don’t know who I am if I’m not the best. And I know this sounds crazy, but sometimes I really think that if I slip up or make a mistake, Mother and Father might not love me anymore. I know, I know, It sounds ridiculous! They’re my parents! Of course they’d love me!

So why do I have to wonder?

I don’t think Ed and Em have ever had a bad day in their entire lives. I bet they never wonder.

2/7

Why won’t the human leave me alone?! She’s everywhere. She’s in my school, she’s in my town, she’s even at Coven Recruitment! Everywhere I go, the human is there, waiting to ruin my day. Is this some kind of fun human world game for her??? Is this her way of making friends??? She wanted to duel me. She asked for it.

So then…why did she chase after me when I lost?

I can’t figure out her angle. I don’t know what she wants from me. Is she trying to confuse me? Does she think that if she pulls my reputation out from under me, I’ll crumble like a...a badly made sand castle or something??? (UGH I’m so frustrated I can’t even think of a better simile, but you get the point.)

Does she actually think she can be a witch???

Most of all though…why did she follow me out of that arena? What does she gain by playing nice?

I can’t figure her out. She did say she was sorry, and she sounded sincere! But I’ve been lied to before.

I won’t fall for it.

2/16

It’s not fair. I’m the only one who knows Ed and Em aren’t perfect. Why do they keep getting away with things? Why is it so easy for them? Why is EVERYTHING so easy for them???? Mother and Father look at the three of us and see two perfect children and one broken one. But I’m trying. I’m trying so hard. I WANT to be fixed. But they have the natural talent, they have the good looks.

And they have each other.

Maybe that’s their secret. Maybe they’ve got it all together because they have someone else to rely on.

What do I have?

Mediocre magical talent, and no real friends. Was I just supposed to be alone from the beginning? Is this my punishment for what I did to Willow?

Maybe…maybe I deserve it.

I probably deserve it.

2/28

I saw that… human girl again. I may have overreacted. I don’t want to come off as cruel, I just… can’t show weakness.

I will be perfect, even if it kills me. Even if it makes her think that I’m a terrible person. It doesn’t really matter what she thinks, though. It really doesn’t.

It doesn’t.

So then why does it feel so bad?

3/14

Okay, so maybe Luz isn’t that horrible. Actually, she’s kind of…nice? She’s definitely strange, and definitely someone I shouldn’t be associating with.
Oh, and she READ MY DIARY. Like, who does that???

I was definitely hurt, but then she actually…apologized? I can’t remember the last time I’ve heard the words “I’m sorry”. That’s not how it usually works, it’s usually just….hurting people over and over and over again until they break.

But she did it. She apologized.

And we actually make a pretty good team. We fought the monstrous version of Otabin together (long story), and we won! She doesn’t know a ton of magic, but she’s smart, I guess.

She’s lending me the fifth Azura book. I didn’t even know there was another one! I guess it makes sense, considering that insane cliffhanger at the end of the fourth.

I’ve never met someone else who likes Azura. I guess…I guess I have a lot to think about.

3/25

Oh no. Oh no no no no no. Luz. Is coming. To Hexside. She’s going to be a student at my school. A human!!!! At a witch school!!!

That’s just wrong.

I mean, look. We’re friends now, I think. She’s not terrible, and sometimes she’s actually fun to hang out with! We talk about books a lot, and she said she’s going to bring me some new ones from the human world one day.

But she doesn’t belong. She can’t be there. Not when I’m there. All the time.

Oh god I’m going to see her every day.

…Actually, that…doesn’t sound as bad as I expected it to. Huh. Maybe I overreacted? She’s just a human. It’s not a huge deal.

I guess seeing her every day won’t be too bad.

4/5

YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT LUZ DID TODAY.

Ed and Em and I were training at The Knee, because, you know, sometimes they pretend to be caring older siblings, when we ran into Luz and that weird Owl Lady.

Luz was all bundled up in this gray jacket and I just couldn’t stop staring. I guess I like the color gray or something? I’ll have to ask her where she got it from, because I couldn’t take my eyes off of her.

I mean, her jacket. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her jacket. Right.

So anyway, I was training. And it was going fine, I was using my training wand since sometimes I need a LITTLE assistance with fire magic, whatever. So I go to take a break and as soon as I turn around, Luz STEALS the wand. Not only that, but she also wakes some monster AND wears out the charge in the wand. All within a five minute period. How can ONE person make so much trouble???

I was so incredibly mad, but when the monster grabbed the twins and the Owl Lady and started running, I knew I had to do something.

So I put Luz in a cage.

Okay, I know how that sounds. Gosh Amity, it’s not nice to put your friends in cages! I KNOW, alright? I was just…mad and maybe a little embarrassed and I wanted to make sure she stayed safe. Really, it was almost entirely for her safety. Almost. So I left her there and ran to fight the monster.

And then. AND THEN. Out of nowhere, Luz just SHOWS UP, and suddenly she’s using ice magic??? Where did she even learn that? I know for a fact that before she’d only known how to make orbs of light, but there she was, Luz Noceda, human disaster extraordinaire, towering over us on a huge block of ice, ready to help take down the Slitherbeast.

And she did it. She actually did it.

With her help, we managed to free Edric, Emira, and Owl Galore.

I’ve never seen anything like it. When she apologized for stealing my wand I barely even knew what to say. I looked at her and I couldn’t stop thinking about what her silhouette against the moon had looked like as she stood up there with a confidence I’ve only ever known how to fake.

I still can’t stop thinking about it.

4/25

Something is very, very, very wrong.

I feel kind of off lately, like the world’s tilted a little bit and I’m struggling to figure out how to stand on the ground again. The problem is, nobody else seems to feel it.

It doesn’t help that Luz is starting at Hexside tomorrow. I’m excited to have another friend at school, I really am! But the idea of walking down the same hall every day, seeing her in the cafeteria, working together in class, is kind of…overwhelming.

I don’t know why. I get kind of sick when I think about it, which makes no sense, because I really am happy she’s gonna be there! Hmm. Maybe I’m worried the constant proximity will take a toll on our friendship.

Oh. Huh. That’s probably it. I know I don’t have a great track record with friends, so I’m probably just nervous about keeping her around. It’ll be fine though. Nothing has changed! So she’s going to my school, so what? I have nothing to worry about.

5/7

Um.

A lot happened today.

Where do I even start? So basically I made a little…mistake this morning, and ended up almost erasing all of Willow’s memories.

Okay, fine. A big mistake.

It’s just that I saw this picture of the two of us from when we were little and, I don’t know, I just got so scared and ashamed that I burned my face out of it. The problem is, the fire didn’t stop. It kept tearing through Willow’s memories until she was basically sick, so Luz and I took her to the Owl House, where the Owl Lady told us what we had to do. Apparently, the ONLY solution was for me and Luz to take a little adventure into Willow’s mind and physically fix the damage I’d made.

Yeah. Talk about a hard day.

So she took my hand and we popped right in. But here’s the thing about taking her hand:

I didn’t want to let it go.

There was something so comforting about her hand in mine, and when she let go it felt like I’d lost something important. I tried to focus on the Willow mission, but it was hard when Luz was just….everywhere. Pulling me through every memory, helping me fix what I’d broken.

And then she saw it. The one memory I didn’t want anyone to see, the one that started it all.

I’ve had to do a lot of thinking today, and the reality is that I hurt Willow a lot. I’ve always known that, but it was so easy for me to pretend that it wasn’t my fault, or that it didn’t really matter. My parents were the ones who broke up our friendship. But…why did I have to be so cruel? Why did I spend years picking on her and trying to bring her down?

What was I trying to protect?

I’ve turned into a bully. It’s been hard to admit to myself, but I think deep down I’ve always known. It’s finally time for me to face the fact that that’s who I’ve been.

I don’t blame Willow for feeling so negative towards me. I deserve it.

I got my chance to apologize today though, and I took it. I know we’re not friends or anything right now, but at least she knows that I regret what I’ve done. And I do. I really do. I’m done with those rich snobs I pretend to call my friends. I’m done making people miserable. I hate who I’ve become, but it’s finally time for me to start again.

I felt a lot better about it at the time, but now…now I’m all twisted up inside. Because I think I’ve figured out why everything’s felt so weird lately.

What happened it this: Luz hugged me.

I know that doesn’t sound like a big deal. Friends hug each other all the time! Why even mention it?

Because this was different. She hugged me and all of a sudden everything I’ve been feeling just kind of exploded into my brain, and suddenly my heart was beating too fast and my mind just blanked. Completely blanked. You could’ve asked me for my name and I wouldn’t have remembered it.

And then her cheek was touching mine and I’m 100% sure that I was redder than that chili pepper the twins once tricked me into eating.

I can still feel her in my arms right now, and I KNOW how weird and creepy that sounds! I hear it too! But I can’t help it. Because it all makes sense now.

I have a crush on the human.

5/23

Knowing changes things.

It’s like suddenly, I don’t know how to act around her. Even the most basic things feel wrong to me, like I’m convinced I’m going to trip in front of her, or accidentally touch her hand again, and then what will I do???

I’m afraid that everyone can see how I’m feeling just by looking at me. It must be so obvious. But they can’t know. They can’t find out.

First of all, it would be so embarrassing. Seriously, the thought of someone knowing feels like the end of the world. The thought of LUZ knowing has me terrified…ohhh god, I can’t even find the words because now Im thinking about it and I’m just. Scared.

I’m so so so so so scared.

Why did it have to be her, of all people? Why Luz??? Why can’t I stop feeling this way? Even if I was going to go for it (which I’m not), she’d probably laugh in my face, or get so disgusted that she’d walk away.

I wouldn’t blame her.

This is so bad. I’m so screwed.

6/2

Hi Luz. You might be wondering why I gave this to you

Luz! Whats up? How are you? Im great. The weather

Luz, do you want to maybe possibly at all maybe

Luz, Will you go to Grom with me?
~~
Wow. Okay. I actually wrote those words out. I actually did it. Now I just have to…give it to her.

HA! Yeah, right. Like I’m actually going to do that. Like I’m actually going to walk up to the girl I like, hand her the letter, and then stand there as she reads it and probably rejects me?

NOPE. Not today, Amity.

It was enough just to write it out.

But…well…what if she said yes?

6/3

It’s over. Everything’s over. I’m Grom queen. I’m Grom Queen, and I was too much of a child to give the letter to Luz, and now not only am I going to get rejected, but it’ll be in front of the entire school. This is a nightmare.

6/3

Luz offered to be Grom Queen instead of me.

WHO DOES THAT????

She said she’d be my “fearless champion”. Are you kidding me??? What do you even say to that???? She readily offered to face her worst fear just so I don’t have to.

WHO DOES THAT?????

But I’ve got no time to think about how that’s the nicest, most chivalrous, sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me. Or about how guilty I feel letting her fight a monster because I’m too afraid. Nope. Gotta help her train.

I wonder what her worst fear is?

6/4

Tonight was kind of…a dream. I mean, look, a lot of bad stuff did happen but I guess it worked out in the end.

So, Grom.

First of all, I absolutely need to point out that Luz looked adorable. That’s a really important part of the story. So now that that’s out of the way: She did it. That crazy human actually walked into the gym and faced Grometheus. It was the bravest thing I’ve ever seen.

And it looked like it was working! At least, for about two minutes. I don’t know all of the details, but her worst fear seemed to be her mother, which…well. Unfortunately, I can relate. So she ran out of the school with the monster and about half of Hexside chasing her, and all of a sudden I’d had enough.

I was done being a child. I was done being afraid. Luz was risking her life for me, and for what? So I wouldn’t get mildly embarrassed? Suddenly it just felt kind of silly, and all that really mattered was that Luz was in danger and I couldn’t stand to watch.

So I jumped in.

And the world didn’t end. The Grom rejected me there, in front of everyone, in front of Luz, and I was still standing.

Okay, sure, nobody could tell who Grometheus was supposed to be, which definitely saved me a lot of trouble. But I still did it. I still looked my fear in the eye and lived.

So why was it a dream? WELL…

After the Grom ripped up my letter and was totally rude about it, Luz and I faced it. Together.

And that’s when she asked me to go to Grom with her. Yeah yeah, she added a “that’s what friends do” after, which I admit made my heart twist in a way I really don’t wanna think about, but she still said the word’s I’d been to afraid to say. The butterflies in my stomach were fluttering so hard that I was almost nauseous, but I pushed past it and asked her to dance. I asked HER to dance!

So she grabbed my hand, and…I don’t know, the world just got a little brighter. Does that sound weird? Maybe it does. But I don’t care, because it’s true. We were so incredibly in sync, like we’d been doing this together for years. Like it was something we’d practiced. And when she threw me into the air everything kind of slowed down for a second and I swear I could the whole Boiling Isles. And for once it didn’t look so grim. She caught me in her (surprisingly strong????) arms and, I don’t know, it’s like nobody else existed for that one single second. She put me down pretty quickly, but it felt like I’d been in her arms for hours. It felt like everything had changed.

I should also probably mention that we defeated the monster and became Grom queens, but that part doesn’t feel as important.

Wait, okay, thinking back on it now it feels…bittersweet. On one hand, tonight was everything I wanted. But on the other hand…well…I don’t actually have her. We held hands, and we danced, and we went back to school together, and I had a great time! To me, it meant everything.

But to Luz, I’m still her friend Amity. Being with me tonight wasn’t a big deal. I was just another friend she was hanging out with.

She has no idea that for just a second, right before she put me down, I really wanted to kiss her. And I’m relieved, but also kind of disappointed. It feels like I got a taste of what could be, but probably never will. It was cruel. We were together, but it wasn’t the right way, and maybe it never will be.

I’m trying so hard to hold onto all the good that happened tonight and not let the negative get to me, but I’m struggling.

She’ll probably never feel that way about me. And I guess that’s just something I have to deal with. There’s hope, somewhere, twisted up in my heart, messy and jumbled and glowing, but I should probably shut it down. Luz and I are friends. We’re friends. I am Luz’s FRIEND, and that is okay.

Well.

For now, anyway.

Chapter Text

6/15

Called my teacher “mom” again.  

Well.

I’m sure that means…nothing.  At all.  And there’s absolutely no reason for me to think more on it, because there are absolutely NO possible psychological ramifications!!!!! I can just…sweep this one under the rug.  It’s fine. I’m FINE.

Let’s never talk about this again.

6/19  

I wish I had somewhere to go.

It’s not that I’m not grateful for the life I have.  Don’t get me wrong, I know how lucky I am, it’s just….sometimes I really wish things were different.  Sometimes it feels like the weight of the Isles is on my shoulders, and it’s crushing me more and more every day, and one day it’s going to push so hard and I’ll get so small that I’ll turn into nothing.  

I don’t want to be nothing.

Speaking of nothing, Boscha came over for a sleep over last night and I can’t even articulate how monumentally boring it was.  She spent two hours trying to decide what filter to use for her latest Penstagram photo, and when I asked if she wanted to do literally anything else, she went on a tirade about how I “wouldn’t understand the importance” of “social photography” (whatever that means) and made me hold a lamp up so she could take another picture with “better lighting”. 

I can’t believe I was just like her only a few months ago.  She’s infuriating.  It’s a miracle nobody ever punched me in the face.

I’m starting to wonder how we ever got along in the first place.  I mean, yeah, it wasn’t my choice to be friends, but at least before I kind of enjoyed her company.  Now it’s maddening to be in her presence for more than an hour.  What’s worse is that she and Skara have been fighting recently, and Boscha is ten times worse when Skara isn’t around.  It’s like Skara holds the moral compass in the relationship, and when she’s gone Boscha is just a shallow, mean spirited, tries-too-hard-to-be-a-jock bitch.

But hey, she makes my Mom happy.  (And isn’t that what’s most important?)

6/23

Um, okay, is that really what I was like?

I haven’t been hanging around my usual “crowd” lately, but I guess I was feeling sentimental because I invited them all to hang out in town today.  MISTAKE. IT WAS A MISTAKE.

THEY’RE ALL HORRIBLE.

It’s so embarrassing to watch them act out, knowing that’s exactly what I used to do.  And yeah, I’m not stupid.  I know I was always the loudest, always the nastiest.  I was the Ringleader of the most obnoxious circus to ever travel.  And I was…proud.

I’ve been blaming my parents for my tenuous friendships for years, but the truth? The truth is that no matter who they made me hang out with, I didn’t have to sink to their level.  I didn’t have to act like I was a queen and everyone else was a peon.  I may have been pushed into the role, but I not only accepted it, I FLOURISHED.  I….I think, at some points, I even enjoyed it.  The truth is, nobody forced me to act that way.  It was all me.  And I think it’s going to take awhile to atone for that.

These people are toxic, and when I’m around them I feel like I’m one step away from becoming toxic again, too.  I should stay away.  There’s something really melancholy about that.

6/30

This is the story of how Boscha BROKE MY LEG.

Okay, fine, maybe she didn’t actually directly break it, but it’s still totally her fault.

When I woke up yesterday the air smelled like autumn, sweat, and desperation, so I knew it was Grudgby season.  It’s kind of bittersweet this year, because I remember how powerful I used to feel.  There’s something about that captain’s jacket that just goes straight to your head.

Enter: Boscha.

First of all, I know this isn’t technically the important thing here, but I just want to mention that I was DEFINITELY a better captain. 

Anyway.  So I’ve distanced myself from the Boscha Squad lately, and I think she’s finally starting to realize it.  She’s been directing so much more verbal harassment towards me than usual and honestly, it’s pathetic to watch.  It’s like she’s drowning and she’s grasping at anything that could save her and for some reason for Boscha that’s putting people down? It’s like this weird NEED for her, like if she doesn’t make at least one person cry a day she’s going to go nuts.

It used to make me feel better, sometimes, until I found better ways to cope.  I wonder if that’s how it works for her, too.

So, anyway, this time she decided to target Willow.  Which, okay, I guess I have no right to judge, but it really pisses me off to see someone else do it, too.  It’s like a looking at a weird version of me from three months ago, and I look like a MESS.

Willow was handling herself pretty well for the most part.  She was still smiling when she went into History class.  But by the time I saw her at the end of the school day, it was clear she’d gotten the Boscha treatment.  She, Luz, and Gus looked like a hot mess.  I was going to say something, but then Luz walked up to me and I forgot what it was.

Speaking of Luz, I’ve been so good at talking to her.  I’ve been smooth, I’ve been witty, and I haven’t embarrassed myself even once.

Okay, crap, I guess lying here is like lying to MYSELF and I probably shouldn’t do that, so for truth’s sake I’ve gotta say: I am SO full of it.

She walks up to me and I forget whatever was on my mind.  She talks to me and it’s like suddenly I never learned how to speak English. Words come out backwards and sideways, I stutter and squeak, and sometimes I straight up just fall over.  She asked me if I had a fever the other day because my face was “so red”, and when I stammered out a squeaky “don’t think so” she got in my space and touched her forehead to mine.  

Ever felt like you’re trapped in a nightmare, but the nightmare is also a little good so you’re not sure you want it to end? That’s how it felt to have her so close.  An emergency siren went off in my head and the only two things I could think were: one, Luz has three tiny freckles on her nose and two, uhhhhh  

Anyway, I stood up so fast that we bumped heads.  So that went well.

So how does this relate to Grudgby? Well, Luz got it into her stupid (adorable) idiotic (sweet) head that she should challenge Boscha to a game of Grudgby in defense of Willow’s honor or something.

She, a human who has never played a sport a day in her life, challenged Boscha, the captain of the team, to a Grudgby match.

Half of me was thinking “really??? This is who my heart chose????” but the other half of me was…well, impressed.  Not many people would do that for a friend.  So even though it was completely inadvisable and totally dumb, it was also really noble.  And I admire that.

That being said, I wanted no part in it.  For so many reasons.  First of all, I’m done with Grudgby. I made my choice when I quit and I didn’t want to back out of that.  Second, as much as I wanted to see Boscha get what she deserved, I’m done with her, too.  I don’t want to be involved in her life any more than I have to be.  And third, uh.  Well.  Look, the thought of Luz playing Grudgby was just too much.  I thought “hey, what would she look like in a Grudgby uniform” and unfortunately, my mind delivered. It was, obviously, adorable. I needed to get out of there, fast, before someone noticed how weird I was acting.  So, yeah, I decided not to get involved.

Which lasted for, I don’t know, maybe three hours.

Turns out, as much as I didn’t want to be involved, I really cared about the outcome of the match.  I didn’t want to see Willow and Luz hurt, and, I mean, I barely know that Gus kid but he seems like a good person I guess.

So I found myself wandering around campus, looking for excuses to stay.  I helped the janitors clean the auditorium.  I tried to do some homework, but that didn’t work out, because I was too anxious to really focus.  I practiced my spellwork (which, by the way, is getting SO MUCH better!!!!).  I filled my time until I just couldn’t avoid it, and then I trudged over to the Grudgby field.

But instead of finding my friends (my NEW friends), I found Luz in the stands, looking like somebody just spoiled the next Azura book for her.  And yeah, maybe I didn’t want to get involved, but if a friend is clearly in distress…well, can you blame me for asking what happened?

Turns out, we’re a lot more similar than I imagined.

Well, sort of.  

When Luz gets an idea in her head, she jumps on it.  Like, immediately.  She doesn’t always think things through, and if it’s for a friend she’s even more likely to barrel through without a plan.  She decides on something impossible, and just figures that she’s gonna figure it all out on the way.

Even though it’s not such a safe way to do things, I have to admit I sort of envy it? I think things through so much that sometimes, whatever it is just doesn’t get done.  Possibilities and ideas and what ifs are constantly running through my brain and I just can’t catch them.  It’s exhausting.  So, when Luz does something that inevitably leads to trouble, I can’t help but smile.  She wouldn’t be Luz if she didn’t get into trouble at least once a day.  She just wouldn’t.

It’s funny.  Because the time I ruined that Grudgby match is one of the only times I didn’t think something through.  I’ve been berating myself for it ever since.  I’ve been so angry at myself for not giving enough weight to my decision to use the Thorn Vault.  But Luz makes me think that maybe it’s okay to forgive myself.  Don’t get me wrong, I hurt people, and I know what I did wasn’t right.  I’m not proud of it.  

But maybe not overthinking could sometimes be okay?

And then she went and announced that she was going to let Boscha torture her, and I started to rethink that.  

I ran to Gus and Willow and begged them to help.  I tried to be calm about it but I know I might’ve freaked out a little, and Willow’s been looking at me weirdly ever since.

I’m not going to think about that.

So, uh, anyway.

We ran out to the field and I did something dumb.  I volunteered to be on their team.

For the sake of time, I am NOT going to talk about how cute Luz looked in the Grudgby outfit, or how the marks on her face made her eyes sparkle, and I absolutely did not imagine a scenario in which I was the Grudgby captain again and she wore my varsity jacket.  Not gonna go there.  

I’m not going to lie, being back on the field was kind of fun.  It was healing, in a way.  It reminded me how much I liked being part of a team.  The thought of getting back at Boscha for a lifetime of bitterness was intoxicating.

The three of us worked really well together, too.   

And then I went and broke my leg.

Boscha was going for Luz and my mind just went blank.  

So Boscha tackled me, and when we landed I guess I landed on my leg, and all of a sudden all I felt was searing pain.  Not that Boscha noticed, of course.  She ran off after the ball again and left me sitting on the field, probably whimpering like a baby.

The rest of the match was a blur, but I know we almost won.  We would’ve, too, if Boscha hadn’t caught the smidge.  It sucked, but on the bright side, the team was so impressed with Willow’s playing, they basically just…forgot to bully her.  Which is, honestly, the best scenario that could’ve happened. 

And then they ran over to see if I was okay, and Luz joked about carrying me, and then SHE DID IT.  SHE PICKED ME UP AND CARRIED ME IN HER ARMS.  ALL THE WAY TO THE NURSE’S OFFICE. 

There is absolutely no way she didn’t feel how fast my heart was beating.  My mind just went blank, and it reminded me of Grom, and I know I was probably blushing, and OW my leg HURT, but Luz was carrying me in her arms, acting like I belonged there.  Honestly, I’m lucky Luz is so (and I say this with love, but. Come on. Im not wrong.) oblivious, because I was absolutely freaking out.  Completely.  Willow, on the other hand, gave me a smirk, and oh man she definitely knows.  She totally completely knows about my big fat embarrassing crush.

But, weirdly, I trust her.  I know Willow, and I know that she would never do anything to intentionally hurt anybody.  She’s a really good person.  So I grimaced back at her and tried to resist putting my arms around Luz’s neck.

I guess I’m in their group now? This felt final, like it was my official graduation from Boscha and now I’m free.  Which means I’m finally in a friend group that I chose myself, and I’m kind of actually happy.  

7/2

Apparently, there’s a human ritual to draw symbols on someone’s cast when they break a bone.  Luz said it’s very important to her culture, and I didn’t want to offend her or anything, so I let her draw on mine.

Luz is an idiot.  

I was sitting there in awe, wondering what magic human symbols she’s going to draw, watching her marker tracing lines on my cast, thinking I’m about to learn something important, and when she pulls away it says “Feel better Amity”! and then her name in a heart.  

Liking Luz is a lesson in patience.

Look, don’t get me wrong, I have to admit that seeing that heart around her name made me stop breathing for a second, because I’m weak , but she made such a big deal about this tradition.  She looked so serious.  She really made me believe I was close to making an interspecies faux pas.  And all she was doing was signing my cast.

I hate her so much sometimes.

It ended up being a really nice day, though, Willow and Gus wrote some sweet things, and even the Owl Lady wrote “sorry u got broken lol” which, from what I’ve learned about her, is practically a compliment.

I forgot how nice it is to have friends who actually like me!

But then something kind of weird happened.

It got later and I guess I was more exhausted than I realized, because I fell asleep on the couch.  Turns out, all of us did, except for Luz. Luz, whose shoulder I woke up resting on.

Crap.

Immediately, my brain started doing damage control.  My inner monologue right then went kind of like this: “oh no oh no oh no oh no she’s going to think I’m so creepy I didn’t mean to fall asleep on her maybe she thinks I did it on purpose what if she gets mad why does her hair smell SO GOOD oh no I’m being creepy again I have to apologize okay I can do this, one, two-“  

“I’m sorry.”

Wait, what?  

I looked up at Luz. She squinted down at me.

“Did you just apologize to me?”

“Did YOU just apologize to ME?”

After a beat, we both laughed.  I sat up, and Luz told me to go first. 

I was embarrassed, but I apologized for falling asleep on her shoulder.  My face was burning, which is, unfortunately, something I’m getting very used to, but I forced myself to look her in the eyes anyway.  She looked very confused, and her eyes were all scrunched up, the way they get in abominations class when she’s trying to think of a name for her abomination (even though that’s not actually part of the curriculum).

“Amity…we’re friends, aren’t we?”

I gulped. “Uh, yes?”

“So…I mean, I know I don’t have a lot of experience with friendship, but...friends hug.  Friends hold hands sometimes, and rest on each other, and…” She looked down and then muttered something that I totally was not prepared for.

“Sometimes I feel like you’re afraid of getting close to people?”

She said it like a question, and I’m pretty sure she didn’t really mean to say it out loud, because then she jumped, like she’d surprised herself, and started stammering out apologies.  I didn’t hear any of it, though, because blood was rushing in my ears and suddenly I was six years old again, crying and alone and realizing, for the first time, that maybe that’s how it was always meant to be. 

I don’t know if I ever really stopped being that girl.

Luz was still talking.   

“Oh man I’m sorry, it’s not my business or anything-“ I put my hand out to stop her, because when Luz starts to ramble it doesn’t always have a clear end. 

“No.  No, it’s okay, you’re…you’re not wrong.” I put my hand on hers, to make her understand that I wasn’t mad.  That, actually, I felt kind of seen.  It’s not every day someone just cuts so deeply to the point like that with me, and it didn’t feel terrible.  

Out loud, though, I didn’t elaborate, and she didn’t ask.  

We sat there for a little while in a surprisingly comfortable silence until finally, she asked me if my leg hurt.

It did, actually, but I told her it didn’t because…I don’t know, I wanted to seem brave?

It’s dumb.  It’s so dumb.  But what are you gonna do.

For better or worse though, she knows me pretty well at this point and could tell that I was lying, so I sighed and told her it hurt (but only a little).

“I’m sorry,” she said, for the second time that night.  “It’s totally my fault your leg is broken.”

So apparently that’s what she’d been thinking about the entire day.  I could tell by the look on her face that she felt really guilty, and this weird mixture of fondness and incredulity swirled through my brain before I finally told her that no, it wasn’t her fault, and yes, it was stupid of her to think it was.

She smiled when I called her “stupid”, like she knew it was a term of affection.  How did this girl come to understand me so quickly? It’s kind of unnerving, but I don’t hate it.  

She was smiling, and I was smiling, and I thought the conversation was over.

And then she started singing.

I KNOW, RIGHT????

Just when I think I’ve gotten the hang of this girl, she goes and does something I don’t expect.  It’s like a crazy whirlwind adventure I never signed up for and never wanted to be on in the first place, but hell if I’m getting off the ride anytime soon.

So I sat there, completely stunned into silence, while she sang.  It was a short song, and she has a truly awful voice, but I was spellbound.  I didn’t want her to stop.  

Sana sana culito de rana

si no se sana hoy se sana mañana

I had absolutely no idea what the words meant, but wow, were they beautiful.

Before I was ready, it was quiet again.

The room felt a little emptier, without her voice to fill it.  “What was that?” I whispered, because I didn’t want to ruin the moment.

“It’s a song my mom used to sing me when I was little.”  She put her hand on my cast, eyes melancholy and far away, and I remembered her worst fear from Grom.  She’d told me Grometheus took the form of her mother, but she didn’t say more and I didn’t push it.  I felt a sudden surge of affection for her and vaguely wondered if we have more in common than I thought. 

“Anytime I had a bruise or a scrape or something,” Luz continued, “she’d touch whatever spot was hurting and sing that song.  When I was a kid, I…I thought it was magic.”

“It was,” I wanted to say, but I couldn’t find my voice.  “Thank you,” I said instead, and when she smiled at me I swear that, for a second, nothing hurt at all.

7/8

I cannot BELIEVE I’m missing the school trip tomorrow.  The Emperor’s Coven is all I’ve wanted ever since I was old enough to want anything.  When my powers came in my parents bought me The Coven pop up book, and I read that thing over and over.   

It’s my dream to walk the halls of the Emperor’s Castle, and yet here I am, stuck, unable to go ANYWHERE because of my stupid leg. 

Sometimes it feels like the entire Universe is conspiring to make my life miserable.  This trip couldn’t have happened, uhh, I don’t know, A WEEK AGO???? BEFORE I was dumb enough to get tackled by Boscha?????

It’s so FRUSTRATING.  Every time I think I’ve taken a step forward, something happens to push me two steps back.  Can’t the Universe just give me one break???? But no, now I have to sit here scrolling through Penstagram, watching as my friends and classmates have the time of their lives without me.

Ugh, whatever.  Maybe it’s not so bad.  I mean, really, how interesting could one school trip really get?

7/9

OH OKAY. REALLY FREAKING INTERESTING, APPARENTLY.

WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON??????

7/10

WHAT. JUST. HAPPENED????

One second I’m hate-liking posts on Penstagram and the next the news is screaming that the Owl Lady has been captured and is set to be publically petrified.  Um, what?????

I’ve never felt so powerless in my entire life.

I have some conflicting feelings about the Owl Lady.  On one hand, she’s a criminal, she’s Public Enemy #1, and every time I talk to her she smirks the whole time, like she knows something I don’t.

On the other, she’s important to Luz.  And, I mean.  She’s never done anything to harm me or anything. I know that’s a low bar, but it does show me that she’s not a bad person.  And she definitely doesn’t deserve to be petrified.  

Nobody deserves that.  

I spent the rest of the day watching the news and obsessively checking my messages to see if Willow or Luz had answered mine.  I even sent one to Gus, but I got nothing.  No answers from anyone, and the clock was ticking.  The petrification was about to happen and I was going CRAZY.

Then, suddenly, nothing.  The broadcast went quiet, and then the announcer showed up on screen looking uncomfortable and said “Uh, sorry, turns out the petrification isn’t happening in the end! Oops!!” and it shut off.

OOPS??????  

Then, somehow, it got weirder.

Luz finally sent a message about an hour later that also told me nothing.  It just said “Everything’s okay!!! Ill explain later!.” with a smiley face.  And when the attached picture loaded, it was of Luz, doing that weird hand thing where she puts up two fingers, the Owl Lady, looking tired but very much not petrified, their weird little demon, and Lilith.

LILITH.

Yeah, THAT Lilith.  Head of the Emperor’s Coven Lilith.  My sometimes mentor Lilith. 

I mean, I even have a picture of her on my wall!!!!  Anytime I look to my left, there she is, watching me.  I don’t know if it’s inspiring or creepy.

Anyway, I barely know anything about the relationship between Lilith and the Owl Lady.  All I really know is that Lilith was trying to capture her, I guess to get her to join the coven? Or maybe petrification was her plan all along?  I don’t know. 

But seeing her in that picture with Luz changes everything.

If Lilith has sided with the Owl Lady, then that means….well, it means she defected.   From the coven.

The head of the Emperor’s Coven LEFT. 

I feel like my entire world has just turned upside down.  I’m supposed to become part of that coven.  I’m expected to follow Lilith’s footsteps.  Everything I’ve ever done, all my hard work in school, all of it! All of it is for the Emperor’s Coven. 

But Lilith defecting means two things:

One, I guess she’s no longer my mentor.  I mean, we aren’t close or anything, but she’s one of the most powerful witches in the Isles, and losing her instruction feels catastrophic.  

And

Two, if she left the coven…well, there must be a reason.  That leadership was her whole world, and I know she wouldn’t abandon that for anything or anyone.  So if she left??? If she actually left???? 

If she left…maybe that means that the Emperor’s Coven isn’t what I thought it was.

Look, I’m not stupid.  I know what people say about the Emperor.  I know what people say about the Coven.  But it was always so easy to ignore.  I told myself people were just jealous of their power.  Of MY power.  I told myself that the Owl Lady (and, by extension, Luz) being so against the coven was just some sort of petty rivalry that had nothing to do with me, so I didn’t need to think about it.  

The whispers of evil, of shadows and petrification and tyranny, were so easy to ignore!!! When you want something badly enough, it’s so easy to become willfully blind.  If it got in the way of my path to joining the coven, I sort of just…ignored it. 

But apparently I can’t do that anymore.  It’s time to admit that something really shady actually IS happening there.  And if whatever it is is enough to get Lilith to defect…well, what does that mean for me?

I still want to join the coven.  I can’t help it, I still want it.  I don’t know who I am if I’m not training for that.  This is my purpose in life.  It always has been.  But now, when I look at Lilith’s poster on my wall, it doesn’t inspire me anymore.  It makes me uncomfortable.

I’m more confused than I’ve ever been, and all I want to do is hide under the covers and pretend nothing’s happening.  But I’m not going to do that.  I’m going to figure this out.  

One way or the other, I’m going to figure this out.

Chapter Text

7/18

My cast finally came off today. It was bittersweet, having to get rid of all the messages from my friends, but knowing they’re there for me in person makes all the difference.

My mother was scowling the entire time at the Healer’s, and I thought that maybe, for once, she’d keep it to herself.

She didn’t.

“I don’t understand why you were playing Grudgby in the first place,” she said, her nose turned up in that way it does when she’s disappointed. (It looks like that a lot.) “We’ve been through this, Amity. Sports take time away from studying. What were you thinking, trying to play again?”

I blinked.

Sometimes I think my mother can’t surprise me any more, and then she does.

“Mom,” I said carefully, “you got mad at me when I quit Grudgby the first time.”

She scoffed. “Amity, that’s ridiculous. Did you hit your head as well?”

“No, Mom,” I said after a stunned pause, and left it at that.

But there’s this: when I quit Grudgby, Mom and Dad yelled at me for about three hours. (Well, Mom did. Dad was there, too, but he doesn’t yell a lot, he just looks at you, which is sometimes worse.) Something about how I need to be well rounded in order to be a coven head. About how extracurriculars are important, and grades alone won’t get me where I need to go.

And now, of course, because it inconveniences her, she doesn’t remember. I have to wonder, though- is it that she truly doesn’t remember, or is it that she chooses not to? Is there even a difference?

This is just something Mom does. Whenever something doesn’t go her way, she blames someone else. I work so hard, all the time, always, just so she’ll be happy, but you know what? I don’t think I’ve ever seen her actually smile because of something I did. She always manages to find the one thing I did wrong, the one thing she doesn’t approve of, even if that one thing is something she told me to do in the first place.

She’s never been wrong. At least, in her head. I’m always the one who loses.

I know Mom and Dad have high expectations for me, and I understand where that comes from. They want what’s best for me, because they love me. They want me to be on top, because they love me. They want me to be perfect, not a hair out of place, no breaks, only having fun if they approve of it, never having any real friends-

Because. Because they love me.

Right?

7/21

Thank Titan it’s Sunday, because I am busy today.

Luz comes back to school tomorrow. I haven’t seen her since she signed my cast almost two weeks ago. I haven’t even spoken to her since the Petrification ceremony.

I’ve missed her so much.

It’s only been two weeks. But wow, I miss her.

Liking someone is a weird sort of magic. It makes time twist and wobble until it’s upside down. Two weeks shouldn’t be a long time, but in Luz- time, it feels like it’s been months.

Anyway, I have an investor presentation tonight, so if I want to get her something, I need to do it now. I’ve decided to make her fairy pie. Sure, I’ve never seen Luz eat a fairy, but I’m sure she’s going to love it. I mean, fairy pie is a delicacy, right? Who wouldn’t want to eat a live fairy? Humans are weird, but they’re not that weird.

Ah, crap, Mom wants me to rehearse the abomination fight, I’ve gotta go. Just have to get through tonight and then I get to see Luz again! I can’t wait.

7/21

Okay, I royally messed up the presentation tonight, but I’m sure it won’t be a problem. I’ll make it up to my Mom next time.

It’s just that the abomination almost stepped on the photo of my friends, and I saw red. Before I knew it, I’d defeated the abomination and saved the photo. Maybe that seems stupid, to ruin everything just for one photo, but it’s one of the only physical pieces of evidence I have that things have changed.

Luz has become my best friend, not to mention my other...uh...feelings for her. Willow and I have been mending our relationship slowly. I thought it would be harder to pick up our friendship where we left off, but it’s like the little kids in us know what to do. I feel like I can trust her.

I even feel comfortable around Gus, which I think surprises both of us. He’s a good kid, even though he’s sometimes annoying.

I love them a lot. They’re all I have. I couldn’t let my Mom ruin that.

She made me do the investor presentation because of my “lackluster performance in school”.

Does she mean my straight A’s???? My perfect grades?

Just because I’m not Top Student anymore doesn’t mean I’m not excelling at school. And besides, it doesn’t even matter!!!

Wow. Okay. Let me take a second to read that over. Being Top Student….doesn’t matter to me anymore. It doesn’t matter. It was all I ever wanted just a few months ago, and now? Now it just feels like another stupid useless trophy that means nothing.

There are so many more important things to me now. And maybe my parents feel like that means I’m going backwards, but to me it feels like growth. And I’m proud of that.

7/22

Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no oh no

I thought the photo was a problem? Mom and dad have ruined everything, now.

The morning started off great! I gave Luz the fairy pie, and she looked really excited to eat it! I’ve started getting really good at interpreting her expressions, if I do say so myself, and I could tell she liked the present. I was patting myself on the back for that when suddenly, Mom’s voice came over the intercom.

I thought I was going to die of embarrassment on the spot.

And then it got worse.

She called us in to the office- me, Gus, Luz, and Willow. And then.

And then.

She expelled them. She expelled my friends.

How? How does she have so much power over so many people? How can she manipulate anyone and everyone so effectively? Principal Bump folded under her proclamation completely.

She thinks my friends are distractions, which is absolutely crazy. My friends have saved me. They’ve made me realize that being perfect isn't the most important thing in the world. And if that’s “distracting”, then I’m glad to be distracted.

“A Blight always upholds their end of a deal”- but is it a real deal if one of the parties doesn’t want to make it???? I never asked for this! I never asked to be put on a pedestal, I never asked to carry all the expectations of my entire family on my back, I never wanted any of this!

Okay, fine, I still want to be a coven head. I can’t help that. But otherwise, I don’t want this. I just want to be free.

I wanted to say something, but then she reminded me that this was my fault for ruining the presentation last night.

And I believe it.

Of course it’s my fault. If it wasn’t for me, they wouldn’t have been expelled.

I wish I could stand up to my Mom, but I just can’t do it. I’m...I’m afraid of her.

It’s not like she’s ever hit me or anything, so I know I’m lucky in that regard. But she has a way of speaking that makes me feel smaller than a wood mouse, and twice as quiet. I can start off a conversation so completely certain of myself, but within minutes she twists and manipulates everything I say and suddenly I’m agreeing with her.

How sad is that? I’m afraid of my own mother.

Luz was screaming my name over and over as they dragged her out. She was begging me to speak up, and every single time she said my name my heart broke into smaller pieces. The look on her face when I started to turn away from her is one I’ll never forget.

She’s never going to want to be my friend again. And it’s all my fault.

7/23

At least I got the chance to apologize today.

I may be worthless, but at least I apologized.

Luz asked me to take her to see Mom, but the thought of the two of them in the same room again terrified me. Who knows what Mom would do to her? And besides. I can’t defy my mother. I just can’t.

I left Luz there, kneeling alone in the courtyard.

I’m the worst.

7/24

It’s about one am and I’m fairly speechless.

My parents tried to kill Luz today.

I wish I was exaggerating.

I got home from school after a grueling day of double the classes, ready to help my parents with their next performance, only to find out that Mom and Dad had decided to use Luz instead.

I know my parents. To anyone else, maybe Mom and Dad using Luz wouldn’t seem so sinister, but I know all too well that they would go farther for profit than most people would realize. They don’t care if they hurt Luz. In fact, hurting Luz was probably in their plan in the first place.

I don’t know how they thought that murdering my best friend would teach me a lesson or make me more pliable and willing to work with them, but that’s just how their minds work. It’s sick.

I started running.

I grabbed Willow and Gus on the way, and we headed for the factory. I didn’t know how we would get in, but I didn’t care. I just had to get there. I had to save her. While we were all arguing over how to get in, Edric and Emira offered us cloaks.

Duh. Cloaks. I should’ve thought about that.

I’m still having trouble believing that those two helped. I mean, yeah, they live to undermine our parents, and I know they care about me, and I know they’re also friends with Luz, and-

You know what? Maybe I can believe it. I’m mature enough to admit it: sometimes my siblings have my back. It’s nice to know that I have people who understand what I’m going through even a little, even though they don’t have to deal with the brunt of Mom and Dad’s control.

I think about that a lot, actually- how our parents chose me to bully and left them alone. I think I resented them for awhile because of it, but I know now that it’s not their fault. I still don’t know why Mom and Dad chose me. Maybe it was harder to control the twins because they had each other. Maybe their wild personalities couldn’t be tamed. I don’t know. I’m getting off topic.

So Willow, Gus and I get into the factory, only to find Luz being attacked by one of Dad’s abomination soldiers. And I mean, really attacked. This thing was fighting her with all it had, and it looked like it was taking everything in her just to stay standing. I couldn’t stand to see her like that, so I jumped in, yelling something embarrassing I’m not even going to repeat here. (I don’t even want to think about it, okay? I just have to hope that Luz didn’t notice).

Mom was screaming at me to stop, of course, and then I did the scariest thing I’ve ever done.

I ignored her.

I crushed my necklace, and I’ve never felt more afraid or more free. I’ve been wearing that thing for eight years now, so long that I can barely remember a time I didn’t have it.

For once, the only voice in my head was mine. My brain was clear. A fog had lifted. It was terrifying and exhilarating.

After that, nothing seemed scary anymore, so I yelled at them. I yelled! At my parents!!!!!! I stood up for myself, and for my friends, and I told them to leave Luz, Willow, and Gus alone.

Luz and I fought together again, and it was just as magical as it was the first time. Okay, sure, she didn’t lift me up in her arms again, but having her at my back, knowing she was there for me if I needed, was almost even better than that.

My Mom was freaking out. I would pay any amount of money to see the look on her face when I started fighting the abomination again. I guess she realized she was losing investors, so she asked me what I wanted. She!!! Asked!!! ME!!!! What I wanted!!!!!!

I almost lost it right there, but I stood up for myself. I told my parents that if they didn’t let my friends back into Hexside, I’d ruin their Abomination.

I was totally lying.

I had no clue if I was strong enough to defeat that thing, and I was sure my mother would call me out on it, but somehow it worked. Mom agreed.

Luz and I pretended to get knocked out by the soldier, and you know what? I’ve never felt stronger than I did in that moment- lying on the ground next to Luz, pretending to be unconscious, knowing that, for the first time in my life, I was doing what I wanted to do, because I wanted to do it.

I don’t know what the future holds, and titan only knows my parents are going to try to mess everything up again. But I have my friends at my side. I have Luz at my side.

Whatever they do, we can take it.

Together.

Chapter Text

8/1

Today was. Today-

I did something today. Well, I did a few things, but there was one thing I did that kind of sort of overshadows all the other things. I can’t breathe right now, I feel like I’m having a heart attack but a good kind of heart attack, because I just kissed Luz.

I kissed Luz on the cheek. Why???? Why did I do that??????

...Why haven’t I done that before?

Okay, I’m gonna take a few deep breaths and I’m going to write this out, because my brain feels all jumbled up right now and I NEED to sort this out.

It all started when Luz came to visit the library. This wasn’t such a big deal, because she visits the library all the time, but this time she had a purpose. Apparently, there was a human on the Boiling Isles back in the Deadwardian Era, and she thought that we’d be able to find his diary.

(Here’s an obligatory pause to say that Luz looked extra cute today. Yes, she wore the same thing she always does, but her hair was just the right combination of messy and neat, and the freckle by her nose seemed darker than usual, and she just overall looked like a million snails. Wow. I’ll never get over this, will I?)

So anyway, I knew the diary wasn’t the sort of thing that would be available for public consumption, so...I took her to the Forbidden Stacks.

I know, I know, it was stupid of me, but I’m starting to realize that I’d do anything for Luz. And to be honest, that kind of scares me. It’s just that she smiles at me and it erases the part of my brain that controls rational thought. Nothing is in my head except for Luz Luz Luz Luz and I can’t help it. I can’t stop it.

Instead of thinking “I shouldn’t go into the Forbidden Stacks” all I hear is “Luz is holding my hand is she doing that on purpose or it it just habit does she do that with all her friends or is this special am I going crazy oh no she’s talking again quick tune back in-” and I’m gone.

It’s concerning.

So yes, I’m weak, and we went into the Forbidden Stacks. We did some searching, but I only really remember four things:

One: At one point, we were hiding from Malphas, and we both ducked down at the same time and ended up right next to each other and wow we were so close I could count her eyelashes.

I could’ve kissed her then.

I mean, I couldn’t have, because I’m a coward, but I felt like it, anyway.

Two: Luz told me wants to show me around the human realm. As soon as she said that, I pictured a future where we were together exploring the human realm, holding hands while we looked at...well, I don’t actually know what things are like there, but I’m assuming we’d be looking at something strange and bizarre, because it’s the human realm. And if Luz is any indication, that place is weird. I decided we had to get the diary.

Three: We found the diary! But then,

Four: Luz screamed. And got me fired.

The aftermath was awful. I truly haven’t felt that terrible in a long time. This job meant everything to me, and Luz ruined it. Luz, who barrelled into my life and proceeded to mess up everything I thought I knew.

Everything changed when Luz came into my life. I’m not the same person I was before her, and I haven’t decided yet whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

Being around her is dangerous. I told her it makes me do stupid things, and I meant it.

And then..she said she also does stupid things around me? But I wasn’t ready to process that, so I ran, and left her crying on the steps of the library.

Way to go, Amity.

I was so confused, and honestly, I think there was a part of me that was ready to give up on Luz forever. But then Em said something that hit me like a blow to the stomach.

“You weren’t happy before.”

Which made me realize that...I’m happy now. Which is such a bizarre thing to think. It’s so sad that she’s right. I wasn’t happy before. And it isn’t just Luz who changed that, though she was a huge part of it. It’s all of my friends, and you know what?

It’s me, too.

I changed. Myself. I made the conscious decision to stop being so toxic and I think I’m finally on the road to being the person I was always supposed to be.

Realizing that gave me an insane bravery boost, so I did something a little crazy: I dyed my hair purple.

No, Mom hasn’t seen it yet.

She’s always wanted me, Emira, and Edric to be a matched set. I was always the one who didn’t fit in, always the one who had to change everything about myself to be accepted into my own family. Honestly, I think Mom just wants all of us to look like her.

But this time, I did something for myself. For the first time, I made a conscious decision about myself, and it feels good.

Right after I did that, Luz showed up at the door, looking like she’d just crawled through a slitherbeasts’s stomach. Turns out, she went through a bunch of trials and got me my job back. Can you believe that? She went through so much, just for me. I was marvelling over all that when she found the echo mouse that had been hiding in Philip Wittebane’s journal.

Long story short, there might be a way for her to return home!

I have mixed feelings about this, obviously.

I was watching her stupid dumb face talking to this mouse and I just lost my mind, said something about hearts, and I kissed her cheek. I kissed Luz Noceda’s cheek!!!!!!!!!!!

And what did I do next?

I ran.

I haven’t seen her since. I’m so scared to see her at school. What if she’s grossed out? What if I scared her away?

Or what if...what if she liked it? What if she likes me? I’ve never let myself hope for that before, but I’m starting to.

What have I gotten myself into?

8/5

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I CAN’T

I DON’T

I’M

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Okay okay okay I think I can finally write. Oh man oh man oh MAN okay. Here I go. This was how my day started:

Playing cards with Emira and Edric, yelling at Emira for cheating, Edric filing his nails while we yelled at each other. And then: a shadow in the window.

We all turned around at the same time to find Hooty of all creatures hovering there. Now, look, I don’t have the best history with Hooty. I’ve personally attacked him on multiple occasions. I can’t help it, he’s ANNOYING.

So he’s floating there, giving us these creepy eyes, and we’re staring back at him. And then he lunges.

Before I could react, Hooty swallowed me whole. And yes, that is as horrifying as it sounds.

I punched and kicked at his throat with everything I had, but he wouldn’t let me out. So I screamed for help, and you know what I heard? The twins laughing, because they’re awful people who deserve awful things.

I kind of blacked out, because, you know, swallowed by a demon, and when I woke up I was in the basement of the Owl House, and Luz was standing over me.

I probably looked like a complete mess, but that didn’t matter, because this was the first time I’d seen her since the “kiss” incident and I was absolutely freaking out. I tried to be chill and collected though, because I’m Amity Blight and that’s what I do, and I very calmly told her to forget it ever happened.

I didn’t want to forget it happened, but if she didn’t like me back, it would just be….awkward. Before I could finish my sentence, though, Luz interrupted me- and then we fell.

The house shook, the ground opened up under us, and we literally fell into each other before we fell downwards. We were holding onto each other so tightly, and even though I was terrified, I still remember her hair smelled like blueberries. Which is a very strange thing for hair to smell like, but she definitely makes it work.

So we fell, clinging to each other, and when we landed, lights flashed and there before us was….the Tunnel of Love.

Yes. You read that right. The Tunnel of Love.

Before I could process any of this, Hooty picked us up and threw us into the boat, and we were off. What followed was every single cheesy cliche rolled up into one, and I loved it. I loved it so much. There were hearts everywhere, and signs that said kind things about me, and suddenly my brain just flatlined, and when it woke up it asked “Is she confessing???? Is Luz Noceda confessing her feelings for me right here and now???”

I wasn’t sure, but I fixed my hair just in case. Every single thing I’d never really let myself imagine suddenly came pouring into my head, and for once I let myself hope. Hope that this girl, this wonderful, amazing, hurricane of a girl, actually wanted me too.

And then she committed arson.

Before my eyes, she destroyed everything. Every heart, every sign, every singing animal robot, up in flames. She looked absolutely terrified, like the idea that I might think she has feelings for me was the worst thing she could imagine. I felt my heart sink, and I realized. Of course. Of course she doesn’t feel that way. My life doesn’t work like that.

I got out of the boat, holding back tears, as Luz confirmed what I thought: it wasn’t her idea. She didn’t put this together, it was Hooty, probably playing some sick joke on me in retaliation for beating him up so often.

Luz’s eyes were so panicked that I was about to give up right there and then. Bury my feelings, pretend they didn’t exist, and move on with my life as if Luz Noceda hadn’t come into it and upended everything.

Before I could give in to my pity party, though, Hooty started going crazy. We ran out of the basement to find him sobbing, trying in vain to separate himself from the house. The entire place was shaking and falling apart, and before I knew what was happening, a huge rock fell from the turret and almost crushed us. I’m honestly not sure what saved us. I think it was King, somehow? Whatever, that’s not important. What is important is that the aftermath was beautiful. It looked like a million stars were surrounding us, bursting through colors so rich my eyes almost watered. I was transfixed, and when I looked down, I saw Luz staring at me.

And something in her eyes made me sure. She liked me. She actually liked me.

This time, when she helped me stand up, I felt electricity running between our fingers. Before I could address that, though, Hooty started screaming something about messing everything up, and Eda and King swooped in and carried him away, leaving me and Luz alone in the yard.

I swear, for that moment, she was the only other person in the entire world who existed.

She started talking, and….and…..and all of a sudden I realized she was trying to ask me out. Luz. My Luz! Was trying to ask ME out!!!!!! I was so giddy, and then she told me I was cool, and I lost my mind and asked her out.

I did it. I did what I’ve been wanting to do for months. I actually asked Luz Noceda to be my girlfriend.

She didn’t exactly say yes.

It was so cute, though, she wanted to ask me out so badly that I shut my mouth and let her. And I heard the words I never thought I’d hear: “Amity Blight, will you go out with me?”

I didn’t even hesitate. I said yes, and the smile that split my face is one I don’t think I’ve ever experienced before. It was just euphoric, everything I’ve ever wanted coming true.

It was kind of awkward for a moment, but then my girlfriend (MY GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!) held her hand out.

We’ve held hands before, but never like this. Never with intention. Her hand was warm, and mine was a little sweaty, but wow was it perfect. She even rubbed her thumb over the back of my hand a couple of times, and I almost died right then and there.

It was all terrifying, and exhilarating, and I never ever wanted it to stop.

This was how my day ended:

Sitting on the floor of the Owl House with my new girlfriend, teaching her how to best utilize the Echo Mouse.

Maybe she’s gonna leave soon. Maybe she’ll stay. But for now, I don’t care. I don’t care, because Luz Noceda is my girlfriend, and I’ve never been happier a day in my life.

Chapter Text

8/7

Guess who got her Palisman today????

Since I missed Pairing Day at school, (because I miss all the important school days, of course), Principal Bump let me onto the Grudgby field after Spelling class and had me look through the palismen.

I’ll admit, I was nervous. What if I didn’t get a good one? What if mine was defective? Worse, what if I didn’t get one at all? It happened to Luz, so I knew it was possible, and I was shaking as I walked onto the field.

The palismen all ignored me.

I took a deep breath, knelt down, and said “I want to be strong enough to protect the people I love.”

And let me tell you, that shocked me to the core. What I always imagined I’d say was “I want to be the greatest witch on the Boiling Isles”, or “I want to be a powerful coven head”. But I guess those are no longer my goals. The things that used to be most important to me just don’t seem to matter much anymore. They feel as flimsy as paper, like I was using them to mask what I really wanted.

Like I was using them to make everyone else proud. Everyone but myself.

I stood up, feeling taller than usual, and for a second, nothing happened. I thought “this is it, you’re going to be a witch without a staff, get ready to be an outcast.”

And then I heard a noise I couldn’t quite make out from behind all the palismen. I waited, holding my breath and hoping hoping hoping.

And then, I heard it again- “Meow”.

The palismen parted and there, standing in front of me, was the most beautiful cat I’d ever seen. She took her time walking up to me, like she knew I’d wait for her. After what felt like hours, (but also no time at all), she finally stood in front of me. I reached out to stroke her head, and she purred, and I felt it! The connection I’d always wanted to feel! It was everything I’d ever wanted and more. As soon as she turned into a staff I knew we were bonded for life.

I named her Ghost, and she goes everywhere I go. It’s different, having something that’s only yours, with a connection that nobody else can understand.

I love it.

8/10

Day 6 of being Luz Noceda’s girlfriend.

I can’t stop saying that word. Girlfriend. Girlfriend!!!! It feels so weird to be able to say that, when I’ve imagined it so many times in my head. Wow.

Now that I’m officially her girlfriend, it’s time to prove that I can be the BEST girlfriend. It’s like being Top Student! I’m ready to be Top Girlfriend. Not that dating Luz is a chore or homework or anything, it’s just...she deserves so much. I want to be what she deserves.

Today, Luz got sick with the common mold. She looked so sad in her little sleeping bag, eyes watering and nose red. (Is it weird I thought she looked cute too though? Her nose was running and I still thought it was cute. Dating is...weird.) I went around the house making sure everything was in order so Luz could heal as quickly as possible. I know it’s just a common illness, but she’s human, and we had no idea how it would affect her. As it turns out, the common mold makes humans delirious. She thought her hands were snakes. It was wild.

I’ve been hanging out with Gus and Willow a lot, since they’re always around Luz and I always want to be around Luz, and it’s strange. Nice, but strange. Every time I see Willow my heart feels this guilty tug, like it’s trying to remind me how much I hurt her. I can only hope I can make it up to her someday.

While I was talking to The Friends, we heard a scream coming from Luz’s room. We ran in to find that the Echo Mouse had decided to gift us with another diary entry, this one about titan’s blood. Apparently, that’s a key element to creating a portal back to the human world. Luz was in no shape to go hunting for it, so as soon as Eda and King said they were going to go, I volunteered. As Luz’s girlfriend, it’s important that I do things she needs. She was counting on me, and I wasn’t going to fail.

We travelled to the area Phillip specified, near something called Eclipse Lake. Almost immediately, we ran into the Golden Guard. I’d heard stories about the Emperor’s right hand man, and I’d always expected some huge, intimidating guy, but this kid was just...a kid. He’s built like a stick. We captured him easily.

So now we had a prisoner.

On top of that, there were a TON of coven guards, including Kikimora, also looking for Titan’s Blood. While the Golden Guard and I were waiting for Eda and King to distract them, I got another message from Luz.

(She gave me this little cat shaped communication device that I really, REALLY don’t know how to use, but I carry it with me anyway, because Luz likes to send me things, and I. Well. I like her).

So she sent me another indecipherable message, and as I was trying to understand it, the Golden Guard came up behind me and said “well, that’s not good.”

That’s definitely not what I wanted to hear.

He told me (and I believed him, like an IDIOT) that the message implied that if I didn’t find the blood, Luz was going to end our relationship. I don’t know why I thought that he could decipher the message better than I could, but regardless, I felt myself go cold. It was like every negative intrusive thought I’ve had since we started dating came to the surface, and suddenly I was convinced she was going to break up with me. It was just confirmation of my worst secret fears.

I needed to find the Titan’s Blood. My relationship depended on it.

At that point, I decided I couldn’t wait anymore, so I sent a fireball at the coven guards. As it ricocheted off of everything, GG and I took the opportunity to run into the tunnel behind them. Eda and King followed, and we found it. A cave full of titan’s blood!

Except it wasn’t.

Turns out it was something called “Fool’s Blood”, and the second Eda touched it, she and King were flung into a newly made chasm.

Which was not ideal.

I was about to follow them and save them, when GG started begging me to untie him. I don’t know why I did it. Something in his eyes just told me I could trust him.

His eyes were full of lies, though, because as soon as I let him go, he kicked me and knocked me over. He actually kicked me!!!! Can you believe the audacity????

So then I got captured by Kikimora, except...she didn’t actually seem to care about me? She zoomed away in an abomiton almost immediately after they caught me. (Also, seeing my Dad’s inventions being used for the Emperor’s purposes is absolutely bizarre. I have a really, really bad feeling about this).

Kikimora left me with a guard, who immediately dumped me into the same hole Eda and King fell through. Luckily, they managed to catch me, and the three of us hung off of Owlbert for dear life.

After some discussion with the Owl Beast, she became a harpy woman again (I don’t really get that, but whatever,) and flew us out of the chasm. As soon as we got out, we were confronted by Kikimora and her minions. Luckily, Eda was more than willing to stay behind to fight them. In fact, she looked excited. I really would not want to be around Eda when she’s mad.

King and I took the opportunity to fly into the cave where the lake was supposed to be and-

Nothing.

It was completely dry, devoid of everything but the Golden Guard frantically digging like his life depended on it. And I guess it kind of did.

He was bitter and angry, but more than anything, his eyes were full of terror. That boy was scared in a way I painfully related to, and that, more than anything, made me feel for him.

Of course, immediately afterwards he manipulated me and made me think Luz hated me now. He told me that everyone has a use, and if they don’t live up to that, then they’re essentially nothing. And suddenly it was like….oh. Right. That’s what my life is, isn’t it? How could I have forgotten that I’m nothing if I don’t serve a purpose?

I looked at the communicator and thought “this is it, she’s going to dump me because I didn’t get results. It’s over, almost before it started.” But before I could get a really good pity party going, King set me straight. He pointed out that every single message Luz had sent actually meant things like “come home” and even “you’re pretty” (I’ve been thinking about that one for hours, now).

And, of course. Of course! It’s Luz! Luz isn’t anything like my parents, or my teachers. Luz is loving, and caring, and she would never judge me on something like my productivity. She likes me for me. She likes me BECAUSE I’m me.

As someone who’s always tried to be anybody else, I guess that’s going to take awhile to get used to.

I took a deep breath and walked up to the Golden Guard. If he was anything like me, which I suspected he was, he needed a friendly hand to reach out to him. So that’s what I did. I reached out, and you know what that bastard did?

He attacked me.

He saw that I had the portal key, and he started trying to fight me.

Excuse me????

Of course, the one time I try the diplomatic way, he ignores it and attacks me. Well, whatever, I fight better than I play nice anyway.

It wasn’t much of a fight, though. He didn’t seem able to control his powers at all, which was a huge advantage for me, and I’ve been especially good at combat lately, so he never had a chance.

Until he threatened to hurt Luz.

As soon as he did that, all the fight went out of me. He was right, he had the upper hand, and he promised he’d stay away from her if I gave him the key.

So I did.

I’m not proud of it, but it was the only thing I could do. The thought of Luz being hurt scared me so much. If anything happened to her...well, I don’t think I’d be able to handle it. He walked off proudly, and I sat there in defeat.

I hope I did the right thing.

Every single thing was worth it, though, when we got back to the Owl House and Luz hugged me like she’d never get another chance. She called me her “awesome girlfriend”. First of all, hearing her call me her girlfriend is basically an out of body experience. Second, awesome? She says that and even though my instinct is to shrug it off, when she says it...it makes me want to believe it.

The mission wasn’t a success. But it wasn’t entirely a loss, either. Before I gave the key to Hunter, I squeezed it so tightly that the Titan’s Blood stored in it leaked out, and now we have some on my glove! So maybe we no longer have the key, but we have an important element to help us create a portal.

So that’s that. I’m exhausted, both physically and emotionally, and Luz is feeling better, so we’re going to go sit on the couch and cuddle (!!!!!!!!!!!).

If you’d have told me a few months ago that this is where I’d be in life, I would have smacked you in the face. But you know what? I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Chapter Text

 8/20

I was rereading my last entry and honestly, I’d give a ton of snails to be able to go back in time and smack myself in the face.  I’d tell myself to stop being such a bitch, to relax and let go a little, and to cut the human some slack, because eventually…well.  You know how that went.

Speaking of, things have calmed down a little over the past couple weeks of dating Luz.  I’m less panicked, and less awkward, and we’ve settled into a kind of rhythm now.

Not that I’m not still panicked and awkward, because I absolutely still am.  Just.  Less.

I wanted to do something nice for Luz, so today I visited Gus’s house.  I’d only been there briefly once to pick him up for something, so this was new for both of us.  I know the least about Gus out of my three friends (obviously, one is my childhood best friend and the other is my girlfriend), but he is a human expert, so I figured I’d ask him for a little assistance.

I like him a lot.  He’s got a really great sense of humor, and he was extremely willing to help.  He did try to give me the Brother Talk (“If you ever hurt Luz I will hurt you, etc etc), but it was a little bit ruined by the fact that we both know I could take him in a fight.

It was sweet, though, and I believe he would be a pretty formidable foe if he was angry enough.  Not to mention what Willow would do to me if she found out I hurt Luz.  

Terrifying.

Not that I would ever hurt Luz.  I can’t even imagine a hypothetical scenario where I would ever want to do that.  

So anyway, Gus gave me a human language book, so I can try to learn Luz’s human phrases and understand her a little more.   

Humans talk about food a lot.

But who am I to judge?

I’m gonna show her what I learned at school tomorrow.  I’m so excited!

8/21

I think Luz is lying to me.

Not about anything involving our relationship, I trust her there 100%, but something about how she was talking today makes me think that she opened a portal and isn’t telling me what happened.

Here’s how today went:

After school, I tried my first human word! Batata.  It means sweet potato.  I feel like that’s kind of a strange thing to call your partner, but I trust Gus, and Luz seemed to like it, which means I like it too.  

It’s so easy to be affectionate with Luz now.  Holding hands, resting my head on her shoulder, things like that.  I still feel like there’s a parade of butterfly snakes in my stomach every single time, and I’m sure I go bright red, but it’s getting easier!

And today.

Okay, I’m worried, and a little scared, but….today, Luz kissed me on the cheek.

She’s never done that before.

Is this how she felt when I kissed her cheek? How did she survive? I felt like I was going to spontaneously combust.  I’ve been touching my cheek over and over again all day, trying to keep the memory of it alive.  

But that wasn’t the only thing that happened today. 

Luz told us that she hasn’t gone through the portal to see her Mom yet.  But when she said it, she wouldn’t look me in the eye.  And maybe she’s getting worse at lying, or maybe I’m just learning to read her better, but something tells me she’s not telling the truth.  

After she left, I noticed her…Titan, what’s it called?  Faine? Frome?  Ugh, I don’t have time for this.  Her human communication device.  I noticed she left it on the steps, and it was open to a video she’d made of herself, and something in me just connected the dots.  I know that video can tell me the truth about what happened with the portal.  I just know it.  

But that would be betraying her trust.

I spent hours agonizing over this, before I realized that I’m not alone anymore.  And I made a tough decision: I went to Willow’s house.

It was weird being back to a place I’d spent so much of my childhood.  Her dads looked surprised to see me, and I’m not sure they were very happy with me, but they let me in and told me Willow was in her room.  

I was so nervous as I walked up the steps.  I kept being assaulted by memories from the past- Willow falling down the stairs and spraining her ankle, the time we mattress surfed down to the bottom floor, that one summer it was so hot we tried an ice spell and made a blizzard in her hallway.  

I wasn’t sure if Willow would want to see me at all.  We haven’t really hung out alone since…everything happened.  But I gathered myself up and knocked on her door.

As soon as it opened, I let myself in.

Maybe I should’ve been more polite, but seeing her room again just made me feel like I was a kid again, like I belonged in that room and I never should have even left.  Plus, I was really upset about Luz and I needed help.

She wasn’t much help.

I think I’d decided before I even got there that I wouldn’t watch the video, I just wanted confirmation that that was the right decision.  What I got instead was girl time.

I braided her hair, and we gossiped, and by the end of the day I found myself laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe.  

It was really, really nice.  I’m so glad Willow and I can do this again.  I’ve missed it a lot.

It feels like something broken has been healed, and after years of breaking things over and over, this is a really nice change of pace.

8/24

I’m really scared.

I don’t want to admit that, but I am.  

Today was the Coven Day Parade.  

Halfway through, Eda and Luz caused a big stink by kidnapping Kikimora and the head of the bard coven.  

How did I know it was Luz? 

She’s loud, and terrible at sneaking, and the kidnapping was staged like an exact scene from Azura book five.

It’s endearing how ridiculous she is sometimes.

I followed her and Kikimora, because I just knew she’d get into trouble, and sure enough, the head of the plant coven was following them and almost murdered them on the spot.

I sent an abomination after her, grabbed Luz (who called me her sweet potato…I may have died for a second) and Kikimora, and skated away.

To nobody’s surprise except for Luz’s, Kikimora betrayed us almost immediately.  Luz is just way too trusting sometimes.  It’s something I really like about her, but it can also get her into big trouble.  Like today.

We fought together again, and it felt even better and more natural than the last time.  Somehow, we are just so incredibly in sync with our movements, like we’ve been doing this together our whole lives.  It felt kind of like dancing with her again, even though, you know, we almost died.

That seems to be a theme with Luz.  I’ve found myself in mortal peril far more often now than before I met her.

It’s totally all worth it.

So we almost died (again), but then the head of the plant coven attacked Kikimora and let us go.

As soon as they left, Luz launched herself at me and hugged me, and my brain flatlined for a moment.  When I came to, I realized that this was probably as good a time as any to confront her, so I did.

And she finally told me what happened.

Turns out, I was right.  She did create the portal, and she did see her Mom.  The only thing is, her Mom made her promise that when she goes back to the human realm, she’ll never come back to the Boiling Isles again.

This is the first reason I’m terrified.

The thought of losing Luz hurts more than anything I think I’ve ever experienced.  I’ve been telling myself that it’s okay that she’s going home soon, because at least she’d come back sometimes.  Long distance relationships can work, so why can’t interdimensional relationships? 

But if Luz never comes back? If I never see her again?

I don’t want to even imagine what that would be like.

I just got her.  I can’t lose her.

The second reason I’m so afraid is that the Day of Unity is in one month, and Belos is planning something bad.  First of all, he wants to free the world of wild magic, and that never seemed bad to me before, but now I have to wonder: what will happen to people like Eda and Lilith? If they don’t have a place in his world, where will they go? 

He also said he’s going to see Luz again.  Why? Why does he need to see my girlfriend? Why can’t he leave her alone?

I’m so scared, but as I sat on the rooftop with Luz and her little family, we decided to take everything one day at a time.

I think it’s better this way- if we think too far ahead, we’ll freak out.

So, for now, it’s one day at a time.

That’s all we can really do.

Chapter Text

9/4

Luz and I solved a mystery today!

The payoff wasn’t great, though.

I can’t believe Luz and I haven’t thought about it before, but today we realized…how did we both get the Azura books? I thought the author was definitely a witch, because the picture on the back of the book showed a witch.  But the picture on the back of Luz’s book showed a human.

So that set us off on a wild goose chase, trying to figure out if the author was a human or a witch, and how she got her books to both the human and demon realms.  

We ran all over Bonesborough, chasing fake leads and fake authors, until we discovered that this stupid demon Luz knows has been altering the picture of the human author on the back to make her look like a witch.

Well.  That was the most anticlimactic answer we possibly could have gotten.

It wasn’t a total waste, though! I had a really fun day with Luz, trying out various stupid theories about who the author could be, and we decided we’re gonna start writing together, too!

The best part about all this is that it kind of feels like Luz and I were meant to be.  Of all the witches on the Isles, I’m the ONLY one who read Azura, Luz’s favorite book series? What are the odds of that? 

Anyway, Willow and Gus (and Luz’s friend Viney, and Skara? Of all people?) apparently had a much more interesting day.  I don’t know all the details, but they somehow formed a sports team with the Golden Guard???????

How that came about, I have no idea.  

I hope the coming days are just as uneventful and relaxing as this one was.

9/6

That was a stupid, dumb, idiotic wish.

I should’ve known better than to hope for something.  Today was…not uneventful.  Or relaxing.  Not even close.

Let me start from the beginning.

To understand any of this, you have to understand my Dad.  I’ve mentioned him here before, but I guess I usually talk about Mom more.  Dad is…different from Mom.   He’s incredibly absentminded, he’s never ever paying attention to what’s going on around him, and I’m willing to bet that if the manor was burning down with me in it but an Abomiton was walking around outside, Dad would focus on the Abomiton and not even notice that I was dying.

Okay, maybe that’s a little bit of an exaggeration.  But that’s how it feels sometimes! Like he’s more interested in abominations than his own family.  Especially me.  

I don’t really want to talk about how he acts when my Mom is trying to manipulate me.  (Spoiler alert: he does nothing).

But anyway, I guess I just wanted to impress him for once, because I decided to enter the Bonesborough Brawl.  I’m finally old enough, and I know I’m tough enough, and Dad won it when he was a kid! 

Nobody’s ever looked at us and said “Like father, like daughter”, and I guess for once I wanted to hear that.

But he had his heart set on sending me to coven tryouts.  The Emperor’s Coven, specifically.

The Emperor’s Coven! Something I’ve always dreamed of!

At least, that’s what I thought.

Lately, I’ve started to realize that maybe I don’t actually want to join the Emperor’s Coven.  Maybe I don’t even want to join a coven at all.

I had to sit down when I realized that for the first time.  Joining the Emperor’s Coven….it was my whole life.  My entire personality was molded around being the best, just so I could join and rise up the ranks.

But I think somewhere along the way it got muddled.  Because if I’m being honest with myself, I wasn’t trying to be the best for a coven, I was trying to be the best for Mom.  Mom, who wants me to join the Emperor’s Coven.  Who made me believe that’s what I wanted too, when really she’s just been forcing it all on me from what feels like birth.

Once I realized all that, I stood up in front of the mirror and I said it out loud.  “I don’t want to join the Emperor’s Coven”.

It sounded like a dirty secret.  Like something that could get me in trouble.  And maybe it is.  But the more times I said it, the more confident I became.  Every time I said it out loud, it lost a little bit more of the power it held over me.  

I still feel like I’m on shaky ground.  I’m not entirely sure who I am without the promise of a coven ahead of me.  But I’m confident in my decision, and it feels good to decide something this big for myself.  

So, coven tryouts today? I didn’t want to go.  But Dad decided to send me with a bodyguard, an ugly abomination that was programmed to make sure I got there.

I wasn’t sure what to do, so I took the disgusting purple monstrosity with me to Luz’s house.  

Luz was, of course, completely supportive.  She said she’d help me, so I sent the Abomiton away on a useless mission and we got going.  

Before we left, though, Eda took me aside and told me to keep an eye on Luz.  She said it was some kind of special day for her, but nobody knew what it was about.  I promised I would.  I was a little worried, but it wasn’t at the forefront of my mind.

Titan, I wish it had been.

Anyway, the twins were in a helpful mood for once, and they (well, Emira was, Edric was a little less helpful) gave me their concealment stones, which completely changed my appearance.  

Not the most important detail of the day, but Luz told me I was pretty and swung me around in a circle.  I’m pretty sure that high got me through the first three matches at least.  

I fought some person named Scab in the first round, and WOW did it feel good! Sometimes I forget how much I love fighting.  Just you and your magic and nobody telling you what to do.  

I took care of him easily, but afterwards Luz told me she was going to enter, too.  

I should have known then that something was very wrong.

But at the time, Luz said it was for me, and then she called me by my last name, which always gets me flustered, and so I didn’t push it.

I should have.  But I was so focused on winning that I didn’t.

Luz fought the next round, and watching her fight was just…amazing.  Unbelievable.  Showstopping.  I don’t think I stopped blushing the whole time.  She really is something else when she fights, and if I could watch her all day, I would.  

We both fought a couple more rounds, and I was feeling pretty good, but just then the Abomiton showed up, because of course it did.  Luz had seen it first, so I asked her if she touched it.  She said no, but apparently she lied, because almost immediately after that, Dad showed up, saying that someone triggered the alarm.

So now I had Luz on one side, acting strange all day and then lying to me, and my Dad on the other, telling me to go try out for the Coven.  I lost it.  I ran away from both of them, because I just couldn’t be around them right then.  

I found myself by the tree where Luz and I had danced during Grom.  Suddenly, I was tired.  Tired, and so sad.  

Luz found me, of course.  And even though I didn’t really want to talk to her, I needed to know what was going on, so I asked her.

And she told me.

And I’ve felt like crying ever since.

Luz has always been really quiet about her father, which is weird, since she’s so not quiet about literally everything else.  But apparently today was the anniversary of her father’s death.  And every single year on this day, she and her Mom pick flowers for each other.  And this time, she wasn’t there.

My heart broke into a million little pieces.  Seeing Luz like that…trying so hard to be strong, trying so hard to insist that it’s okay because she doesn’t want anyone worrying about her, but clearly upset…it just made me want to hold her and never let go.

Just then, we heard a commotion coming from the Brawl, and it sounded like people were in trouble.  I got up immediately, but not before telling Luz we would do something in her father’s honor together.  

My head was spinning, but I knew I had to help whoever was in trouble, so I ran off.

Once I got back to the Brawl, I discovered that Warden Wrath had somehow been turned into some sort of monster, and my Dad was fighting him off.  I tried to help, but of course, Dad pushed me away.  

But I pushed it, and I guess he realized that he needed help, because he finally let me use my powers alongside his.  

Luz arrived and helped save the day just in time, like she always does, and Warden Wrath changed back to normal.

Then, Dad tried having a heart to heart with me.  It was so awkward.  I was honest with him, though.  I told him I don’t want to join the Emperor’s Coven, that I’m dating Luz (which he should really know, because let’s be real, I never stop talking about it), and that I don’t want to dye my hair green again.

I told him that he never pays attention to us.

He said he likes my hair.

So I guess that’s a start.

I got him to agree to talk to Mom about letting me keep my purple hair, which is good, but then he tried to hug me, and….well.  I don’t think I’m ready for that quite yet.  

I don’t think he deserves it yet.  And honestly, I’m just not comfortable with it.  I can count on one hand the amount of times my parents have hugged me, and it feels unnatural now.  Maybe that’s sad.  I don’t know.

Afterwards, I went back to the Grom Tree to pick some flowers with Luz.  I tried making some with a glyph for the first time, but it wasn’t very good.  I think I’ll just stick to regular magic.

Luz made some good ones, and we sent them off on an abomination balloon.

I’d like to think that it reached the human realm.  I know it’s almost impossible, but it’s what Luz deserves.  She deserves to have things work out for her.  She deserves to honor her father in the way she wants to.

She deserves everything and more.

And I swear, I’m going to do my best to give her that.

Chapter Text

9/10

I think that, pretty soon, I’m going to be in the biggest fight of my life.

I’m not gonna be alone.  I’ll have my friends with me.  And it’s not even about me, it’s about…everyone.  The entire Boiling Isles.

But I won’t lie and say I’m not a little afraid.

The Golden Guard showed his face again today, and things aren’t looking good.

Let me start from the beginning.

Last night, Luz sent me a series of cryptic messages that I still can’t decipher.  All I could get was that it has something to do with the Day of Unity.  The messages sent a spike of terror down my back for reasons I can’t even explain.  The only reason I didn’t totally freak out is because of all the hearts she sent, too.

Something normal, something positive, among the horrifying.

I showed Willow and Gus the messages, too, but they had no idea what Luz was talking about, either.  (Despite it all, it’s nice that I can hang out with the two of them even when Luz isn’t around.  It makes me feel like I’m really part of the group.)

Regardless of the messages, Luz is missing.  I’m grateful that she sent me the messages at all, so I know she’s okay, but I’m so afraid for her.  I wish I could be wherever she is.  I wish I could help her.

Anyway, today went from bad to worse when the Head Witch of the Illusion coven showed up to tell us that we all had to be branded with a coven sigil before the Day of Unity.  (I’m starting to feel a healthy amount of hatred every time I hear the words “Day of Unity” now).

He assured us that he would make illusions of the sigils, so we wouldn’t have to actually be branded, but then Gus screamed out that he was lying.  Good thing he did, too, because Edric was about to be branded.

Turns out, the Head Witch of the Illusion coven, Graye, was actually here to secretly give us all our sigils.  Without our consent.  How sick is that? I shivered.  Sure, I mostly do Abomination magic anyway, but the thought that I would never ever have a chance to try anything different was terrifying.

I’m just not ready for that. 

I’m not quite sure what happened, but Graye grabbed Gus, and the entire school was suddenly submerged in multiple illusions.  It was amazing.  I mean, I knew Gus was good at magic, but this was on another level.  Everyone started running in different directions, and Willow and I found ourselves in an illusion of a carnival.  

We decided to find the Healing Homeroom, because Ed messaged me to tell me that’s where everyone was gathering.  At that moment, a coven scout snuck up on Willow.  I was about to catch him when Willow did it herself.  I congratulated her on the lucky shot, and we moved on.

Of course, we immediately got attacked again.  I started my spell circle, because I had to protect Willow, right?  But Willow started her own circle, and our spells basically canceled each other out.  

Willow looked so frustrated.  “What are you doing?” she asked.  

“I just got you back as a friend,” I said.  “Let me protect you.”

And then a bookshelf fell on top of us.

Well, it would’ve, if Willow hadn’t caught it.  She caught a bookshelf.  She used her vines to help, and she actually caught a BOOKSHELF.

“I don’t want your protection,” Willow said from under the bookshelf.  “I want you to see who I really am!”

What?

We made it to the Healing Homeroom, and I took the opportunity to sit in the corner and think.  I felt like I should’ve had a Dunce cap on my head.  How could I have been so stupid? Ever since Willow and I became friends again, I’d been underestimating her.  And I told myself it was because I was worried for her and I didn’t want to lose her, and yeah, that was true! But I think that maybe I still hadn’t lost the idea of Willow being…powerless.

It feels awful to admit.  But growing up, Willow didn’t have any powers.  I had to protect her from everything.  That was just the way our relationship worked!

But now…well, now Willow is, for lack of a better word, a total badass.  And I completely missed it.  I felt like I’d had an illusion over my eyes, too.  Like all I’d been seeing was the helpless Willow from the past, when I should’ve been seeing her for who she is now.

When Willow said she was going to fight, I backed her up.  But not by saying I’d protect her.  This time, I told her she could bust through anything.  I think she got the sentiment.  I hope so, at least.  Her friendship is so important to me, and I’d hate to ruin it almost immediately after getting it back.  

After that, we got to fight together! It was exhilarating! She really is a sight to behold when she fights.  I don’t know how I’d never seen it before.  We work well together, though.  I feel stronger when she’s with me.

We battled our way to the gym, where they were keeping Gus, only to find him stuck inside another illusion.  I didn’t see exactly what happened after that, because I was fighting one of my Dad’s stupid robots (seriously????? He’s still selling them to the Emperor????), but apparently the Golden Guard- Hunter- helped Gus get out of it.

We ran the Emperor’s Coven out of the school after that, and then we all turned to Hunter because, seriously, what in the world was going on???

What we heard…wasn’t good.

I don’t want to write it all down, because that will make it real, but apparently the Emperor is a human? And a witch hunter? And he’s planning on killing everyone on the Day of Unity??????

I knew it was all bad, but I didn’t know it was gonna be this bad.

And somehow, as usual, Luz is stuck in the middle of it.  

The Day of Unity is practically on top of us.  What are we going to do?

Chapter Text

9/13

It’s really cold here.

Luz says that’s just because of the rain and that tomorrow it will be warmer, but when she said it, she didn’t sound like herself.  But I guess none of us have really been ourselves, since.

I haven’t asked for much since we got here.  It’s awkward and weird and as much as Luz and Mrs. Noceda insist that we’re family, us witches still can’t help but feel out of place.  I did, however, ask for a notebook.

In times of stress, I find that keeping a regular routine helps me not panic, so I figured that even though my journal is in the Demon Realm, I might as well keep writing regardless.

Titan, I’m scared.

So much has happened over the past day, some good, but mostly bad, and I’m not even sure where to start because it’s all so messed up!!!!!

Okay, Amity.  Breathe.

Ed, Em and I were trying to get Mom and Dad to realize that Belos was evil, and that helping him meant that they were actively helping to murder people on the Isles.  Mom, of course, didn’t listen, and grounded us.  

And then she broke my human communication device.

I was frantic.  That device was my only connection to Luz, and I’d lost it.  The twins and I holed ourselves up in my room to make a game plan, but I admit I was a little bit of a mess.  I started crying and babbling something about how much I missed Luz, and as soon as I stopped crying, I heard something behind me, and there she was.

Luz Noceda was on my balcony, surrounded by flowering vines and framed by the sun, and I swear I’ve never in my life seen anything that beautiful.  Of course, I started crying again.  I ran towards her, and finally, after what felt like forever, I was in her arms.  She picked me up and spun me around in that way she does, and it was like for a second, everything was perfectly fine.

She told me she was going to take me on a date when this was all over, and she pulled back to look at me, and it suddenly hit me how much I absolutely loved this girl.

I wasn’t even surprised.  I guess I’ve kind of known for a while that I’m in love with Luz, I just haven’t really been able to admit it to myself.  Because that’s completely terrifying.

But looking at Luz right then, it didn’t feel terrifying.  It felt right.  So, before I could even really think about it, I did what felt like the most natural thing in the world: I kissed her.

No, not on the cheek.  It was a real, proper kiss on the lips.  

I’m still kind of in shock that I did that.  It felt…Titan, I don’t even know how to describe it.  It was like…the world was ending and I was scared out of my mind, but for a second, everything was absolutely perfect.

It was my first kiss.  It was OUR first kiss.  And it was everything I could’ve ever dreamed of.

It was over way too quickly, and I think we were both kind of embarrassed afterwards, but there was no time to dwell on it.  We had to stop my parents.  

As it turns out, Luz brought Willow, Gus, and Hunter with her.  I was so glad to see them, even Hunter, which surprised me a bit.

Gus put an illusion over the five of us, and we marched into my parents’ factory looking like coven scouts.  We headed for my Dad’s workroom, because I figured he was most likely to listen to me.  

But he wasn’t there.

Mom and Kikimora caught us almost immediately, and threw us in a glowing pink dome.  She caught Ed and Em, too, and threw them into their rooms to ground them.

Mom spent the next five minutes being a complete bitch, which is nothing new, but then she insulted Luz, and I lost it.  I started punching the dome as hard as I could with an abomination fist, and it actually broke! 

Turns out it was just Dad disabling it, but I tried!

Dad told Mom about the draining spell, but as it turns out…she already knew.  Mom knew she was helping the Emperor murder people, and she was fine with it.  I don’t know why I’m surprised.  After everything, I’ve still been giving her chances.

She’s my Mom, after all, so I guess that’s why I come back to her again and again, but…suddenly, I don’t see why.  I don’t see why I was so afraid of her.  I don’t see why I felt so connected to her.  She’s a stranger to me, and maybe that’s sad, but it’s also a little freeing? It’s…it’s a complicated feeling.  

I told her I’m never speaking to her again, and Dad quit, which I guess means she’s no longer in our lives.

Wow.

I didn’t have any time to think about that, though, because then Kikimora kidnapped Hunter and flew away with him.  Willow ran to Kikimora’s ship, intent on saving Hunter (the two of them got really close really fast- filing that away to think about later), and we all followed.  Including Dad, who offered to be our pilot.  Which is SO cool of him.

But then, suddenly, before I even knew what was happening, there was a popping sound, and  Luz transformed into Hunter.

It was all Gus’s illusion.  Luz had switched places with Hunter at the last minute to save him, and to be a hero I guess, which I HATE about her (but also can’t help but love).  

So, of course, now Luz was on her way to Belos, and obviously we were going to go after her.

I can’t even explain how terrified I was.  Belos was the biggest, baddest witch (uh..witch hunter, actually) on the Isles, and now Luz was going straight to him.  And he already didn’t like her.  There was no telling what would happen.  We had to rush.

Of course, the airship was definitely not fast enough for me, and I think I made that clear about twenty five thousand times.  

Then we got attacked by the Emperor’s Coven, and our ship went down.

Because we weren’t having a bad enough day.  

We survived the crash just long enough to get attacked again.  I wanted to stay with Dad and fight, but my friends pulled me away.  He kissed me on the forehead, and that’s the last time I saw him.

I keep playing that moment over and over in my head.  What could I have done differently? What would have happened if I’d have stayed? 

There was no use dwelling on it then, though.  We managed to make it to the place where they were doing the Draining Ceremony, and found all the adults passed out.  

Just another thing we had no time to focus on, though.  That’s not to say I wasn’t worried- I absolutely was.  But my goal right then was to get to Luz and to save her.  And when I have a goal, I will not be deterred.

Plus, I felt like my heart wouldn’t start beating again until I found Luz safe and alive.  Which, okay, sounds dramatic, but can you really blame me?

After what felt like forever, we finally made it to the head to find Luz getting attacked by the monster version of Belos (which, wow, yikes).  

She was beat up, but still alive and still moving.  I took what felt like my first breath in hours.

Then came the hardest fight of our lives.

I’m not going to detail it, because none of it seems really important anymore, but it really solidified for me that my friends have my back.  Even Hunter, really.  

But we were losing.  We were losing BADLY.

And then…I’m still not sure what happened.  One minute Belos was attacking us, and the next….the next this…child appeared, and just….exploded Belos.  That’s the only way I can explain it.

One second Belos was there, and the next he was goo.  After all that, after the fights and the terror, Belos was just…gone.

Then King appeared and started talking about playing a game called The Owl House, and it became clear that this child was our only hope in stopping the draining spell.  

And then he did.  With one flick of his wrist, he stopped the eclipse and stopped the spell.  

And then, before we could even focus on that, the world exploded.

I still don’t understand what happened.  From what I can gather, King made a deal to play a game with them if they stopped the spell, and once they did, they just started…rearranging the Isles.  Like it was easy.  Like it wasn’t a big deal.

We all almost died, again, but Willow realized the portal door was still functioning, and she called us all over.  She, Hunter, and Gus went through, but Luz hesitated.

I knew the look on her face.  She wanted to stay.

“I have to get to Eda,” she said.  “I’ll find a way back to you.”

Not again.

Not. Again.

I wasn’t going to lose her again.

She was holding the portal open with her plant glyphs, and insisting she was going to stay with Eda and King, and make sure they were okay, and I decided that no, she absolutely was not going to do that.  She was not going to sacrifice herself for other people.  Again.  

King apparently had the same idea, because he activated his powers and blasted us into the Human Realm.

The portal closed.

And it never opened again.

Luz opened the door to the shack the portal was attached to over and over again, but nothing happened.

We were trapped in the Human Realm.

I looked up at the sky as the human rain came falling down, and it was so strange how it didn’t burn.  It just felt wrong.

Gus broke down, and even though I wanted to as well, I knew Luz needed someone.  So I took her hand and guided her away from the door.

I think she was in shock, because she didn’t cry or anything.  She just looked at all of us, blinked, and said “come with me”.

And that’s how we all ended up staying at Luz’s house in the Human Realm.  

I don’t know if my Dad is okay.  I don’t know if my siblings are okay.  I don’t know if anyone in the Demon Realm is okay. 

And we’re stuck in another world with no way of getting home.  I don’t…I don’t know what to do.  I have no answers, and I have no ideas, and I wanted to meet Luz’s Mom, but not like this, and all my friends are beaten down and broken, and

Titan, I’m getting tears on the notebook.

I can’t breathe.

I

Okay

Luz came upstairs out of nowhere, like she knew I needed her, and I cried in her arms while she held me.  Titan, I’m so lucky to have her here.  We all are.

I don’t think I want to write anymore.  I don’t want to live through this again.  Luz says we’re going to watch a movie, and all I want is to forget right now, so I’m going to go.

I’m going to pretend I came here on purpose.  That I came here to visit, and Luz and I are going on a date soon, and everything is absolutely and totally fine.  

I’m so scared.

But, just for now, I’m going to pretend.

I don’t know when I’m going to write here again, so this is goodbye for now.

But I’ll be back, I’m sure.

Goodbye.

Chapter Text

7/13

So apparently months don’t work the same way here.  We’re currently in a month called “July”.  Weird. 

It’s…hot outside.  And kind of sticky.  It’s hard to describe, really.  

“Weather” is incredibly strange.  Sometimes I go outside and I feel like I want to rip my skin off because it’s just so hot.  I’m getting used to it, though.

Mostly.

I don’t hate it here.  

Sure, I miss home.  I miss home a lot.  And I’d rather be there, especially because I don’t know if my Dad and my siblings are okay.  But I could be trapped in worse dimensions, all things considered.

I have all my friends here, and my girlfriend, and, uh, my girlfriend’s Mom.

We haven’t told her I’m dating Luz yet.  Apparently in the Human Realm there’s this thing called “coming out” where you tell your family and friends what gender you like.  Bizarre.  Back home people just liked who they liked, but apparently here it’s very controversial if you’re not a woman dating a man or vice versa.

So weird.

We also didn’t have names for these things on the Boiling Isles, but here that is very important.  Luz told me I would be considered a “lesbian”.  I even get my own flag! It’s pretty.  I’ve put one on the back of my shoe.  Luz says this is called “pride”.   

It’s a lot to process.

I’m kind of tiptoeing around Mrs. Noceda.  She told us to call her Camila, but I’m too afraid to.  What if she finds out I’m dating Luz and she doesn’t approve?

Luz says we’re gonna tell her Mom about us really soon, and that it’s nothing to worry about, but I think she might be a little nervous too.

7/20

Luz showed me something called a “computer” today.  It’s kind of like a crystal ball, only bigger and more controversial.  There are a lot of angry people on it, for some reason.

Luz and I are making a slideshow for her Mom to tell her about us.  It’s kinda fun! We just put some cute pictures of us on the computer and she added music.  I’m incredibly nervous though.  Now that I know what love is like in the Human Realm, I’m scared to tell Mrs. Noceda.  She’s a very sweet person and Luz assures me she’ll be fine with it, but I’ve never had a girlfriend before and even without the whole sexuality thing, this is the first time I’ll be meeting Mrs. Noceda as “Luz’s girlfriend”.  

What if she hates me? What if she resents me for being one of the reasons Luz wanted to stay in the Demon Realm? 

7/22

Mrs. Noceda does not hate me.  In fact, she gave me a hug, which surprised me so much I almost didn’t hug her back for a second.  She whispered something Spanish in my ear and I’m pretty sure it was something positive, because when she pulled away she was giving me a smile that felt almost like a secret.

Luz is incredibly relieved.  Even though she knew her Mom would be okay with it, coming out is a scary thing here.  They may not have magic in the Human Realm, but they sure do have monsters.

I’m glad, though.  Now I can hold Luz’s hand whenever I want.

7/25

We’ve been turning the old shed where the portal used to be into a kind of clubhouse.  It feels weird being so close to the Demon Realm but so far at the same time.  It’s strange.  Every so often one of us will go up to the door and kind of just….open and close it a couple times, just in case.

It never works, though.

So we’ve taken the problem and turned it into a solution! The clubhouse is where we’re going to brainstorm ideas to get back home.  There’s something poetic about that.

7/31

Got human clothes today!!!!!

Well, I had human clothes before, because I borrowed some from Luz, but today we all went to an actual human store and bought ourselves some stuff.  

I mean, Mrs. Noceda bought us stuff.  We don’t exactly have any human money.

I feel really bad that she has to spend so much money on us, but it was kind of an emergency.  

Today I learned what “jeans” are.  They’re pants, but made out of a material we definitely don’t have on the Isles.  

I love them.  I live in jeans now.  Jeans are my new home.

8/2

Titan, I miss my family.

I miss my Dad, who I literally only got to have acting like a father for, like, a minute before he was taken away from me.  I even miss the twins, even though they’re complete jerks. 

They were MY jerks.  

And I love them.

I cried for the first time since we got here today.  Willow was the only one around, and I tried to hide it from her, but she knows me better than I know her right now, and she figured it out pretty quickly.

She held me as I cried, and I think she might’ve cried too, if the damp spot on my shoulder is any indication.

We pulled ourselves together pretty quickly because we have things to do, but it felt good to get it all out, and it was nice to have that moment with Willow, even if things are still a little awkward between us sometimes.

8/15

I’m worried about Luz.

I know she feels responsible for what happened to us, but it’s really not her fault.  And every time I tell her that, it seems to make her feel worse.

So I’ve stopped saying it.  Instead, if she gives me a forced smile, I give her a hug.  If she tries apologizing, I kiss her on the cheek.

It doesn’t change everything, but at least her smiles seem brighter afterwards.  

We tried to make a portal today, and it went disastrously.  The last time I saw Luz look this down was when she was telling me about her Dad.

Ninety nine percent of the time Luz is sunshine, the literal embodiment of happiness.  But that one percent has been growing since we got here.

I can’t change anything.  All I can do is try to make her feel better, one hug at a time.  

8/27

The rain doesn’t boil here.

I knew that, because we were technically in the rain when we got here, but I think all of us were so shocked and numb that none of us really felt it.  But it rained again today for the first time since then, and Luz insisted on going out in it.  

I was skeptical.  Sure, it hadn’t hurt us before, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t.

Luz was insistent, though, so I tentatively crept out into the rain, and honestly it…wasn’t that bad.

It was actually kind of nice.

Okay, fine, what really made it nice is that Luz and I were holding each other, forehead to forehead.  I had my eyes closed, and I couldn’t help but think that maybe some things aren’t so bad in the Human Realm.

When I opened my eyes, Luz had this awful look on her face.  So I pulled her closer and conjured up a little ball of light.  I think it reminded us both of the Covention, when she first showed me her magic.  

She smiled a little after that, and this time it was real.  I so rarely get to see her smile anymore.  It was nice.

8/29

Luz starts human school tomorrow.

Considering how badly she wanted to go to Hexside, it’s a little weird to see how badly she DOESN’T want to go to human school.

But she’s told me about how bad it was, how she had no friends, and how she was bullied.

None of that makes sense to me at all.

Luz is a friendship magnet.  I tried to bully her and within months she made me her girlfriend instead.  It’s some type of magic that I still don’t understand.  How could she be alone at school?

I found her in her room tonight, lying in bed just staring at the ceiling.  When I got there, she automatically moved over so I could get in next to her.  I put my arms around her and asked her what she needed.

“Actually…uh….can you read to me?” she whispered, uncertainty in her voice.  I smiled and rolled over, grabbing the third Azura book off of the night table.  

She closed her eyes as I read, and I noticed a few tears leaking out of the corners.  I brushed them away and kissed her forehead.  She relaxed a little after that, and after about a half hour, she was asleep.

She was lying on my arm, so I couldn’t get up, but I didn’t mind.  I closed the book and fell asleep too.

I just woke up in the middle of the night and for some reason I found myself writing here.  I guess it’s more comforting than I thought.

9/10

Today we watched a movie called “Hocus Pocus”.  It was about witches, so we were all excited, but Titan, was it bad.  And borderline offensive.  Witches don’t act like that!  We don’t!

Luz was really into it, so we all tried to be civil about it, but me, Hunter, Willow and Gus were all rolling our eyes and making faces at each other when she wasn’t looking.

She can never know we didn’t like it, though.  I’ll take that to my grave.

9/15

We went to a place called “Candlewood Lake” today.  

Willow and I took swimming lessons when we were little, but I still wasn’t sure about a human lake.  I wore something Luz calls a “floatie”, which seems pretty on the nose for a name since it, you know, makes you float.

We all had a good time relaxing on the shore, but I really tried to avoid actually going into the lake.  After a couple of hours there, though, I could tell Luz was itching to get in, so I gave in.

She promised to hold my hand the whole time, and after that it didn’t sound so bad, so we went to the dock, counted to three, and jumped.

It was really hot outside, but the water was absolutely freezing.  Hunter refused to get in.  Apparently he was never taught how to swim back in the coven, but the water was super shallow, I could feel the bottom with my toes.  He didn’t believe me when I told him that, like I’m going to lie to him about something like that, but when Willow asked if he’d join he was in the water faster than I’d ever seen him do anything.  

It’s becoming increasingly obvious to everyone that Hunter is in deep for Willow.  Gus, Vee, Luz and I talked about it once when Hunter and Willow were doing the dishes.

Vee thinks it’s sweet.  

Gus rolled his eyes and said it’s like watching me and Luz before we got together.  I took offense to that, before I remembered all the blushing and dropping books that I did and, fine, okay, fair.  I asked Gus if he approves, because Willow is basically his sister and Hunter is one of his best friends.  

“Obviously,” he said.  “I just don’t want anything to do with it.”

Also fair.

I thought Luz would be raring to make some elaborate scene to get them together, but to my surprise she wasn’t.

“Hunter’s been through a lot,” she said.  “I think we should let him figure it out on his own.  Of course, if he asks for help I’ll be happy to set up a romance novel-worthy scene for them-” (I knew it) “-but for now I’ll let the two of them stumble through it.”

As for me, I just want Willow to be happy.  She definitely likes him too.  She hasn’t told me outright, but the amount of obvious flirting she does is surprising.  I never expected Willow to be so forward and steady, it’s actually really cool to watch.

I don’t understand the appeal, though.  As much as I like Hunter, he’s the most average looking person I’ve ever seen.  

Not that I’ve ever thought a boy was good looking.  Sure, sometimes I see a boy and I think “I guess their physical attributes are…aesthetically charming?” But it’s rare.  Girls, though? All girls are pretty.  None of them are as pretty as Luz, of course. 

What was I talking about?

Right. Hunter.  He’s okay.  But I know he really likes Willow, and I could tell he’d be good to her, so I guess I approve.  As long as Willow’s happy, I’m happy.

9/22

Luz says Summer is ending and it’s going to get cold soon.  She wanted to do something to “say goodbye to Summer” so we went….rafting.

I do not like rafting.

Why would ANYONE like rafting???????

Basically you get into a very small boat and travel down the river.

Sounds nice, right?  WRONG.  

Because there are rapids.  Rapids are just periods of very fast water, but they spray water in your face, and when the boat goes too quickly it’s possible to fall out of it.  

Not that I fell out of the boat.

….Okay, fine, I fell out of the boat.

I don’t wanna talk about it anymore.

10/4

We found a park near Luz’s house that’s not usually flooded with people, so we frequent it now.  It’s nice to have a place out of the house where we don’t have to pretend to be human.

It’s getting chilly, but I definitely like it better than the sticky feel of Summer.  Luz says we’re now in a season called “Fall”.  Human weather changes so often and so quickly, it’s crazy.

“Fall” is very pretty.  We woke up one day to different colored leaves on the trees, and today we went to the park to play in the leaves.

I didn’t understand how it was possible to play in leaves, but Luz brought a rake to the park and raked them all into a pile.  

And then we jumped in.

I don’t know why jumping into a pile of leaves is so much fun.  I can’t explain it.  It sounds ridiculous, but it’s so much fun, we just kept making piles and jumping in them until we got tired and breathless.

The four of us girls decided to take a nap in the sunshine coming through the trees, while Hunter and Gus pretended to be space men.  I don’t understand anything about Cosmic Frontier, but it makes them happy, so whatever.

Sleeping in the grass with Luz’s head on my shoulder, Willow snuggled up next to me, and Vee sprawled out somewhere near my head was incredibly relaxing.  We don’t all get to hang out as much anymore now that Luz is in school, so Saturdays and Sundays like this are my favorite.  

I miss my family, and I miss the Boiling Isles, but I really don’t hate the Human Realm at all.  Maybe if we get a working portal going, and we defeat Belos and, I guess, restructure the entire political landscape of my world and stuff, we could vacation here.

I assume that, after all this, Luz is returning to Hexside.

She can visit her Mom on weekends, right?

……..Actually, I’m trying not to think about it.  What if she chooses to stay in the Human Realm forever? What will I do then?  Sure, I can come visit, but it won’t be the same.

No. I’m not going to think about that.

I’ll think about right now, with Luz sleeping on the bed right next to me, and all my friends safe under one roof.  

I want to go home, I really do.  And as soon as there’s a way, I’m going.  But this sense of safety is something I haven’t felt in a long time.  I can’t pretend I don’t like it. 

10/15

It finally happened!!!!! Luz and I FINALLY went on a real date!!!!! 

It. Was. Amazing.

I never thought I’d have this.  I never thought I’d get the chance to hold Luz’s hand, much less be her girlfriend.  And now we’ve been on a date, and everything feels real! 

I mean, it felt real before, but now it’s, like, OFFICIAL.

Luz took me to an ice cream shop, and we shared a milkshake.  It’s amazing how I’ve been with Luz for months and we still find a million things we can talk about.  We just sat there and chatted for hours.  The only reason we left was that we noticed it got dark, and Luz wanted to take me to the “second part” of our date before it closed.  

There was a second part!!!!!!!

She took me to a human bookstore.  

I’ve never seen so many books together like that outside of a library.  We have bookshops back home, but they’re much smaller.  This one had three floors!!!! 

I rode something called an “escalator”.  They’re stairs that MOVE.  

Earth magic is so cool!  I nearly fell a couple of times, but Luz held me up and made sure I didn’t.  She even showed me where she got her Azura books!

All in all, a very romantic date.  She walked me to my door like a gentleman (even though it’s also her door) and said “Well Miss Blight, I had a wonderful time with you.  If it’s not too much trouble, can I take you out again?”

I laughed at her formality, but I played along.

“No you cannot,” I said seriously.  Before her face fell, I continued.  “Next time I am taking YOU out.”

She giggled, picked me up, and spun me. 

And then she kissed me.

We’re always around people, so we haven’t had the chance to really be alone, which means kissing is out of the question.  I’m not going to kiss my girlfriend in front of her mother.  

But it was worth the wait.

10/18

I’m trying to learn glyphs.  They don’t work here, but they’re useful to know because they do so much.  My specialty is abominations, obviously, but with glyphs I can do plant magic, and ice magic, and so many other things.

The thing is, they require you to draw a perfect circle.

If you don’t, the spell comes out all wonky. 

I can draw a perfect circle in the air with my finger, because I’ve been doing that since I was a baby.  But on paper????? 

Impossible.

Yet Luz has it down.  She’s mastered it. 

She says it takes practice, but I think she’s just weirdly good at it.

I don’t like giving up though, so I spent HOURS trying to draw a light glyph.  By the end I felt like I’d been to war.  Crumpled up pieces of paper were everywhere, my hair was sticking up in all directions, and I’d chewed the pencil down to a nub.

Luz had the audacity to laugh at me.

“It’s okay if they’re not perfect,” she said, and I gaped at her.

“It’s like you don’t know me at all,” I said.

She just laughed again. 

I love watching her laugh.  I don’t get to see it as often as I used to, so every time she does it I store it away in my memory, tuck it into my pocket, and keep guard over it.  

I’ll do anything to keep her smiling.  

We really need to get back to creating the portal door, but we’re stuck.  There are so many factors to take into account and we’ve just hit a dead end.  But we have no choice.  We have to keep going. 

Maybe Luz will stop feeling so down if we manage to actually get it done.

And we’ve been gone for too long.  Who knows what’s going on back home? 

I miss my family so, so much.  I think about them every single day.

I don’t write about them often because I’m trying to stay positive but Titan, I miss them.  

I’ll see them soon.

I have to.

Chapter Text

10/20

Still no progress on the portal.  

Today, we tried learning Spanish.  

I’m going to say something that I hate to admit: I am….not great at Spanish.

Wow.  Almost erased that because I hated seeing it written down.  I’m great at learning.  I’m great in school.  I used to be Top Student, for Titan’s sake! It sounds kind of braggy but I’m not used to being bad at things after spending time learning them.  Spanish, though…well, I’ve never learned a new language! On the Boiling Isles, witches (and most demons) all speak the same language! (Except for Boiling Isles Sign Language, which I’ve actually always wanted to learn.) 

It’s part of Luz’s culture, though, so I won’t give up on it! It’s an important part of her life, and if it’s important to her, it’s important to me!

Speaking of Luz, she hasn’t been acting like herself.  I know the whole portal thing is getting her down, but there’s something else, too.  I can tell.  She’s hiding something, and I don’t want to pry, but I can’t help but worry.  

She needs a win.  Badly.

10/22

We actually found a lead today!!! AHHHHH!!!!!

It all started with Flapjack.  He’s been pecking at the floorboards and it’s been driving me mad, but today he actually found something.  Titan knows how he knew it was there, but he found a puzzle! A rebus, to be more specific.  None of us could decipher it, so we decided to go out into the human world ourselves while Luz was at school and see if we could find someone to interpret it. 

Hunter had on this absolutely ridiculous outfit that made him look like a banana (a type of human fruit, I had one last week for the first time and it was…strange).  I told him to change, but Willow stopped me.  She was making intense heart eyes at Hunter in that stupid costume, and I’m not sure if we were seeing the same thing, but I backed off.  If Willow thinks it’s cute, I’ll let her have this.

Our first stop was a place called The Magic Circle.  We thought it sounded like a great idea, but discovered it was basically just a tourist trap. We got kicked out almost immediately, but it’s fine, there was nothing important there.  

Next, we tried the library.

Not my proudest moment.

I tried feeding the drawers like I do back home, but it didn’t work.  Then someone came right up and just??? OPENED IT???? It freaked me out so much I fell flat on my face.

It was incredibly embarrassing.  I think I’m a fairly graceful person, I pride myself on having great reflexes, but something about the drawers not being alive felt terrifying.  So many things here are like that.  Things that seem normal and expected turn out to be foreign and weird.  

Anyway.  Never showing my face in that library again.

Next we went to the zoo to confront the giraffes. 

It was the single most harrowing experience I’ve ever had.  

I don’t want to talk about it.

Anyway, while we were there we were surrounded by kids and families, and it just really hit hard that we’re not home.  We’re not with our families, our moms, our dads, our siblings.  

We’re just kids.

We’re just kids, and we’re alone, and we want to go home.

Okay, so, we’re not alone.  We have Luz and Camila, and they’re warm and welcoming and I love them both, but being here is just…not the same.  

Next we went to the Gravesfield Historical Society.  Vee seemed really nervous, until we got inside and she saw the secretary.  Then she got really animated and excited.  

Been there.

We FINALLY got information there, too.  Turns out, the Rebus is a map, probably to Titan’s Blood.  This is a HUGE discovery.  

(While we were there, Vee made a comment about how Willow, Gus and I must’ve been friends forever, and that was kind of…awkward.  I’m getting closer to Willow than I ever thought possible, but there’s still some mess and confusion and hurt there.  We’re basically okay, really, but the thought that we’ve ‘always’ been friends….is hard to hear.  We could’ve been, if it wasn’t for me.  But Willow doesn’t want me worrying about that, so I’m going to try to chill about it.)

Later, we decided to save the discovery for the Haunted Hayride, a Halloween celebration we found out about.  We’re gonna tell Hunter and Luz about it there and finally, finally boost Luz’s spirits.  

Also, Luz and I are going to couple cosplay Azura and Hecate, which is the cutest thing EVER if I do say so myself.  I’m so excited! Things are finally looking up.

10/31

Well things are, uh…….sure happening!  

We got to the Haunted Hayride, and Luz and Hunter disappeared, like, ten minutes in.  

Guess what else disappeared?

The rebus.

Not hard to put two and two together.  

After that, everything is kind of a blur.  Camila and Vee came charging in, almost like they knew Luz and Hunter were missing.  Vee tracked Luz’s phone using some sort of human technology I still don’t understand, and we traipsed through the woods to find them.

We got there just in time to find Hunter possessed by Belos, and to hear that Luz helped Philip meet The Collector.

Okay.

It was….a lot to take in within the span of ten seconds, but then we were thrown immediately into a fight.  Gus, Willow, Vee and I attacked, with varying degrees of success.  Luz, bless her adorable human heart, tried reasoning with Hunter.  It didn’t work, but it was a nice try.  

The fight only lasted about a minute, but it felt like an hour.

And then….then Belos broke Flapjack.

I use the word “broke” because there’s no other way to describe it.  He just…squeezed him.  He squeezed him until he was very clearly broken, and, I don’t know, I guess at that point Hunter had enough.  He started fighting Belos off.  

He threw the Titan’s blood into the lake, and then he dove in.

Right then, none of us knew if Hunter was going to make it.

That sounds really dramatic, but we didn’t know the effects of possession, and when he disappeared under the water, we had no way of knowing if he was okay.

Camila jumped in and dragged him out of the water, and I guess Hunter’s fight wasn’t in vain, because Belos left his body after that.  

And then, Belos made a portal.

And he disappeared through it.

Hunter was left lying in Willow’s arms, and I’m pretty sure he just wasn’t breathing.  We were all freaking out a little bit.  I know Hunter and I had a rough start, but he’s my friend now, and he’s so incredibly important to Luz.

We couldn’t lose him.

And luckily, we didn’t, because Flapjack came and saved the day.  He rested his broken body on Hunter’s chest, and then he just…dissolved.  He gave his life to save Hunter’s.

After all those months of Flapjack flying around our heads, pulling at our hair, and making Hunter laugh, suddenly he was gone.  

We didn’t have any time to process that, though, because Hunter started breathing, and it became clear that we had to follow Belos through the portal within the next few minutes before it closed.

We were suddenly going home, and there was no time to feel excited or nervous or anything.  It was just happening.

Before we walked through the portal, I asked Luz why she’d kept helping Belos a secret.  Of course she’s allowed to have secrets, she’s allowed to have things she doesn’t tell us, but this one was kind of big.  And it seemed like it had been weighing on her for a long time.

It was why she seemed to feel so guilty for the past few months.  Why she took the portals not working as a personal failure.

She said she thought we would hate her, and I almost laughed.

How.  How could I EVER hate Luz Noceda?

(Okay, well, actually, a few months ago I probably wouldn’t have had that much trouble with it, but whatever.)

It’s just crazy to think that there is any universe in which I could hate my girlfriend.  

I told her I could never.  I told her we should be done hiding things.

I told her how cool it would be to have her in my future.

I think me quoting her own little speech back to her cheered her up some, because she gave me a little smile after that.  I kissed her cheek, and I walked through the portal.

Let me tell you, I’ve never been happier to see the Titan’s carcass.

Something isn’t right, though.

This isn’t the same world we left.

I’ve gotta go, we’re on the move, but I’ll write again as soon as I can.  I think the end is coming soon, for better or for worse.

I just have to hope we’re all ready.

Chapter Text

11/2

I think…I think it’s over.

It’s a little hard to believe that, after everything, we’re okay.

Here’s how it went down:

As soon as we stepped through the portal, things started to go wrong.

First of all, the Boiling Isles looked…different.  Everything was pastel, with sparkles and stars and moons everywhere.  Bright and shiny objects completely detracting from the beauty of the rotting Titan skull.

I didn’t have much time to focus on that, though, because Luz got stuck in the portal as soon as she stepped through.  It was terrifying.  I grabbed her hand and pulled with all my might, terrified that I was going to lose her.

Luckily, she came through.  She said she heard someone speak or something, but it felt a lot more important to me that she was okay, so I admit I didn’t really hear what she said.

I should’ve listened.  It would’ve saved a lot of confusion later.

We started walking after that, just looking around at how familiar yet strange everything looked.  

On the way to the Owl House, we passed some abomination goo, and when I tell you I almost CRIED just seeing that purple sludge I am not kidding.  I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed it.  It was weird in the human realm, because while I could do some basic magic, I didn’t have any abomination goo.  So everything I know best just…wasn’t applicable there.  It was nice coming back to something so comforting and familiar.

Once we got to the house, though, nothing felt familiar.  It was empty, devoid of everything that made it the Owl House.  Most notably Hooty, obviously, but also Eda, and King, and just…anything at all.  It was bizarre.  

Luz disappeared almost immediately, but I found her in Eda’s nest.  I asked if she was there trying to get her egg to hatch, and she just looked so dejected.

She looked even sadder than she had in the human realm, which I didn’t think possible.  My heart twisted and squeezed in all the worst ways, and I tried so hard to make her smile, but…nothing.  Nothing at all.

I know it wasn’t personal, but it still hurt a little to see her so resistant to my attempts at making her feel better.  

I was racking my brain trying to think of something else to say when Hunter yelled that he saw Eda and King on a shooting star.  We booked it to Bonesborough, which turned out to be deserted.  It was super creepy.

And then it got creepier.

A wave of sparkles washed over the town, and a ton of puppet people appeared.  Yes, I’m aware of how strange that sentence sounds.  Imagine how it felt living it!

And then Owl Beast Eda appeared.  I felt Luz tense up beside me, but before she could do anything, the Collector and King showed up.  We heard the Collector call King their “best friend”, which was weird enough, but then it turned out the Owl Beast was…Terra? The head of the plant coven? 

My mind was reeling at all the revelations (if you could even call them that), when the Collector shot something at Terra and turned her into a puppet.  

And then King and the Collector flew away again.

Luz yelled after King, and her voice sounded so broken that it hurt.  And then that Mattholomule kid showed up.

Of all people.

He, Barcus, and Skara brought us back to Hexside, which had apparently been set up as a safe haven for everyone who wasn’t puppeted.  

I heard someone say “Mittens” and turned around to find Emira standing there.  I’ve never in my life been happier to see her.  We hugged, and then Edric showed up too! In a cast.  He fell down a well, which is basically the most Ed thing I’ve ever heard.  I started crying.  I couldn’t help it.  I was just so happy to see my freak of nature siblings.  I love them so much.

One of the things that got me through being in the human realm was the thought of reuniting with them and my Dad.  

I’m so glad the twins and I have gotten closer.  I don’t know where I’d be without them.  

And then, ruining my good mood, came a completely unwelcome voice over the speakers.  As it turned out, Boscha was now in charge of Hexside.  

BAD IDEA. VERY BAD IDEA.

Boscha makes a great Grudgby captain, but head of a refugee camp? She’s too selfish.

Which apparently some people agreed with, but nobody knew how to defy her and her two underlings, Miki and Roka.  

We got kicked out of the gym (her base of operations) as soon as we told her that we were back to save the Boiling Isles.  

Okay.

Bitch.

Then Luz had the idea that we could teleport directly into the Titan’s skull by using some of her memories of Phillip’s glyph combos.

A bold proclamation, but if anyone could pull it off, it was Luz.

We found the photo lab, and Willow began digging through Luz’s memories.  I wish we’d had more time, because I would’ve liked to see some memories of the two of us.  I know it’s selfish, but we’ve had a weird history, and a weird relationship.  It just would’ve been nice to see some good memories.

I didn’t say any of this, though, I just let them do their thing.

Meanwhile, Willow and Gus tried making Hunter feel better, which I thought was a big thing to attempt.

It didn’t work.

Willow ran out, looking upset, and then Gus and Hunter followed her.  

While they were gone, Luz told me she had to tell me something.  She looked really upset, so I braced myself for whatever it could be, but before she could say anything, Miki and Roka barged through the wall.

Turned out, it was actually Kikimora and an Abomatron.

I hate her.  I hate those machines.  Ugh.

Kikimora and Boscha then knocked us out with sleeping nettles.

As I passed out, I vowed in my head to shove Boscha into a locker the next time I saw her.  I know I’m not a bully anymore, but if anyone deserves it, it’s her.

She and Kiki dropped us into the detention pit, and then Kikimora tried to kill us.

So, a normal Sunday.

We fought her, but in all the ruckus and rubble I got separated from Luz and Camila.

Matt and I were searching for them when Boscha appeared.  I prepared to fight her, but instead, she got down on her knees and begged me to come back to her.  

What???????

She asked me to come back, to rule New Hexside with her.  It was the last thing I ever expected to hear from her.

Sure, we were friends for years, but I never thought she actually cared about me.  Our relationship was kind of a mutual understanding.  We were together because that’s what was expected of us.  

At least, that’s what I always thought.

I admit I didn’t really think about her after I left her and the friend group.  And maybe that’s on me.  Maybe I didn’t realize that Boscha actually needed someone.

But I’m not that person.  I’m not the one to be there for her.  Not anymore.

And so I told her that.  Maybe I’d owed her that conversation earlier, but it can’t be helped.

I asked her to help us save the world, and, to my shock, she agreed.

We got out of the detention pit, she gathered up some students, and we went to attack Kikimora.  

Once I made sure that Boscha and the others were going to hold Kiki back, I found Luz and the others.  And guess what? Luz had a staff!!!! It wasn’t formed yet, but it was there! It was starting! I was so proud of and happy for her, but we didn’t have time to talk about it.  We immediately began to draw the teleportation glyph from her memory, 

And it worked.  It actually worked.  We ended up where we had to go, and once we did, Luz’s staff started to really form!

We all took guesses at what it would be, but we were all wrong.  As it turns out, it’s a snake shifter named String Bean.  She’s adorable, and gets along with the other palismen perfectly.

Things started to feel okay for, like, one second, but then the ground started shaking, I felt myself being lifted off the ground, and everything went black.

We’d been collected.

We’d been collected, and before we knew what was happening, we were being controlled.  The Collector was using us to attack Luz with their mind games.  

It hurt, seeing Luz hurting because of something I’d done.  Even if it wasn’t really me doing it. She was so confused and scared, but I gave her the light glyph I had in my pocket and told her to use it to wake up.  

I wanted to say more, but then I got puppeted.  

Being a puppet is so weird.  You can hear things going on around you, but it’s hazy and blurry and you have absolutely no control over anything.

You know me.  I hate not having control.

So I decided to take some.

I used all my power and consciousness to move my finger, making a light glyph on the floor.  And it worked! I woke up, and so did my friends.  

The first thing I saw was Miss Lilith.

It was like a shock to my system.  I haven’t seen her since she was my teacher.  I know she was staying by the Owl House, but I kind of avoided her while she was there.  Being around her would have been complicated.

She stands for everything I used to be, and to be honest, I’d rather forget that part of me.  But I know she’s changed, and I’ve changed, and I guess I still care about her in some weird way.  

The second thing I saw was the absence of Luz.  

It was terrifying.

Not knowing where Luz was, at the end of the world, was basically the scariest thing that I’ve ever felt. 

And then the orbs of light appeared.

I didn’t know what it was at the time, but if I had, I would have broken down.

More on that later.

After that, we woke Camila up.  Then I tried to use magic, and it didn’t work.  Which was SO scary.  For a second I thought maybe the Collector had done something to my magic, but Camila reminded me that we’re all just tired.

Which makes sense.  We hadn’t slept in days.

But then we were reminded that we still have glyphs! I’ve been getting a lot better at them lately.

We decided that, while Luz was off doing whatever she was doing, we would save all the puppets in The Archives.  While we were doing that, the entire place started to fall.  We thought we were goners, but then, of all people, The Collector started using his magic to hold us up.

Apparently, he was good now?

I should’ve known, he had been hanging out with Luz for more than five minutes, it was only a matter of time before he stopped being evil.

That’s the power of Luz.

We heard a loud scream, and then The Archives were lowered onto the Titan’s head.  The Collector came inside, and he looked so nervous and scared and guilty.

But I knew what to do.

I’d learned from the best.

So I reached out my hand.  

The Collector took it, and told us all about what had happened.  As it turns out, the world was saved.  Apparently Luz died in the process???? And came back to life???????????

I nearly passed out when he told us that, but the relief that washed over me when I found out she was okay was more powerful than my terror.

After that, the puppets started coming back to life, and I got to see my Dad again.  

Hugging my father after all those months of not knowing if he was alive was the best feeling in the world.

We did it.

We saved the world.

There’s a lot of rebuilding to do.  A lot of loose ends to tie up.  But we can do this.

We can do anything.

Chapter Text

8/23

Oh. Wow. Hello.

This is…super weird.

It’s been almost four years since I’ve even seen this journal.  Honestly, I kind of forgot about it.  The past few years have been crazy, to say the least, and there just wasn’t time to journal.

Also, I guess I didn’t need it the way I used to.  When I was fourteen emotions seemed a lot bigger and harder to handle, and writing was my one way of parsing everything out.  It’s wild to read all of these entries, because I almost forgot what I was like back then.

I guess I can give a bit of an update?

Well.  I’m eighteen now.

But I guess that’s obvious, given, yknow…math.

(This is so awkward, Titan. How did I used to do this?)

After the Isles were saved, we basically had an entire world to remake.  All we really knew was that we didn’t want a dictator again, and because of that it was difficult to pick people to lead the discussions.

Once we finally organized all that, though, we all agreed: it was time to go back to the Savage Ages.  Or, well, create a new version.  Not called the “Savage Ages”, because that’s a negative misnomer.

The covens were abolished immediately.

Some of the coven heads weren’t thrilled about that, because I guess they’d gotten used to being in power, but Darius, Raine, and Eberwolf reminded them that they’d chosen the wrong side, and if they wanted history to remember them as anything other than evil, they should get off their asses and help us start over.

And so they did.

I guess it must be difficult to devote your life to a cause, only to find out it was all a fake.  I have some sympathy for them I suppose, but there are some people who supported the Emperor that I can never forgive.

Yeah, I’m talking about Mom.

I don’t think I’ve seen her in about a year now.  Word is she moved away to some other part of the Isles, probably to start her own cult or something.

Maybe that’s not fair to say, but do I care? Nope.

When I was younger I thought that maybe one day I’d want to reconnect.  That maybe, because she’s my mother, she’d feel some remorse and come back to us crying about how she’ll do better.

I don’t think that way anymore.

It’s been hard, accepting that I don’t really have a mother anymore.  No matter how much she hurt me, I grew up with her.  I used to look up to her.

I used to love her.

Do I still love her? Fabulous question.  I don’t know.  I don’t know, and, frankly, I don’t care.  She’s out of my life, and that’s all that matters.  

Speaking of people I used to look up to, I’ve reconnected with Miss Lilith over the past few years.  She changed a ton, and we work on historical projects together now! I think it was for the best that we lost contact for those few months.  We were both in flux at that time, and we came back together at exactly the right moment.

I really do admire her.

What else?

Well, The Collector visits every so often, which is not something I think I ever would have expected in the past.  They’re just a kid, really! He and King are actually friends now, which is really nice to see.

As for the other members of The Owl House, Eda is now the head of the University of Wild Magic.  Nobody ever expected her to be in charge of a school, but if it was going to be any school, it makes sense that it’s this one.

Eda’s partner, Raine, actually moved into The Owl House immediately after everything went down.  They’re absolutely one of the cutest couples I’ve ever met.

I’m running out of thoughts.

Uh.  Oh! My friends! Gus teaches at the University, even though he’s only 16.  Nobody is surprised that he graduated before any of the rest of us. 

Willow is still my best friend to this day.  We’ve healed so much together, and I don’t know where I would be without her.  She hasn’t changed much.  She’s still the strong, powerful witch she always was.  Her arms did get a lot bigger, though.  She could probably bench press me.

Hunter carves Palismen now, which I think is perfect for him.  He even has a new Palisman, Waffle. None of us have forgotten Flapjack, though.  On Hunter’s 18th birthday we all went and got Flap tattoos.  Now he’s with us forever.

And Luz.

Oh, Luz.

Sometimes I look at her and feel just like I did when I was fourteen- nervous and blushy and awkward, because Titan she’s amazing.  But we’ve been together forever now, and most of the time it’s comfortable.

That’s really what I’d call our relationship: comfortable.  

She’s gotten even more beautiful, if that’s possible, and would you believe that she’s the one who told me she loved me before I could?

It was a few months after the whole Belos business.  We were sitting on the roof of The Owl House, watching the stars, and she just…said it.  No embellishments, no flourishes.  Completely unlike Luz.

She says she was so nervous but so sure of it that she didn’t need any of the extra fanciness.  She just needed to say it.

Titan, I love her so much.

I can really see myself marrying her.

Not anytime soon, I’m only eighteen, but maybe in a few years, when we’re a bit older and more settled.  Right now we’re going to school together for the first time in four years!

That’s actually why I found this journal.  I’m packing for University.  Luz and I are sharing a dorm, and it’s gonna be amazing.  I’m studying Abominations, obviously, but I’m minoring in Healing.  I just feel like that would be useful for the future.

I guess you’re all caught up now.

It’s crazy to see where I started.  I was a sad, terrified, bratty little kid, and I’ve grown into a pretty cool adult, if I do say so myself.

It’s kind of hard to read those earlier entries.  I was trying so hard to be something I wasn’t, but I’m glad I got my head out of my ass.

To be honest I’m just stalling now.  For some reason, closing this journal again feels…final.  Like the end of something.  I know that’s crazy, because I can always come back in the future, but it feels like a conclusion to a part of my life I don’t know if I’m ready to be done with.

This journal really saved me when I had nothing else, and I’ll always be grateful.  

But I don’t need it anymore.

I’m ready to go.  I’m ready to move on.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that things change, and that’s absolutely terrifying, but if you hang on long enough through it, you can reach some pretty amazing things.

I’ve gotta go now, okay?

Thank you for everything.

And….

Goodbye.