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A dim light flickered on, illuminating the room in a soft, scintillating haze.
The silhouette of a man in a clean-pressed coat and slicked hair crowded the doorway. Slowly, the figure advanced towards the back of the room, maneuvering the teetering old tables and boxes stacked ceiling-high. His target was the scratched chestnut dressing table, situated against the backmost wall. Like an altar, it hosted old, burnt out candles and wilted flowers on brittle dishes.
With a heavy sigh, Oleksandr removed a small photo from his pocket. Retrieving a handkerchief, he dusted off the glass and set it down on the tablecloth. A smiling blond man, eyes hidden behind old sunglasses, stared back at him. His brow furrowed. This would be the photo’s new home.
Turning from the neatly seated picture, Oleksandr exited the room and switched off the light.
Love was not one of Oleksandr’s strong suits. Yet nonetheless, it was something that he craved so deeply that if he were only an ounce more confident, he would have sought out long ago. As a schoolboy, Oleksandr was glued to his books and knowledge. It was all he had. If there was not a thing in the world he didn’t know, he thought, surely he would be safe.
Further into his own world did Oleksandr retreat, as the pressure of the world’s expectations encroached more and more into his bubble of safety. His diligence and ethic were impeccable, for the highest scores and top grades were always his. There wasn’t a theory he couldn’t explain, an equation he couldn’t solve, nor a word he couldn’t define.
Yet if a picture was worth a thousand words, Oleksandr knew of a man worth a million.
Chad was exactly the kind of fellow you might expect him to be. Handsome, persevering, and...on the less intellectually inclined side. His popularity was a given, and it was something Oleksandr envied.
But there was something else there. Oleksandr could not name what demon invaded him in his presence.
If there was one thing he could say for certain, though, it was that that demon was more than welcome.
Oleksandr never saw himself as a ladies’ man. And oddly enough, he never felt the need to be. For a time he thought perhaps the subconscious knowledge that he’d never be what a woman wanted was the driving source of his apathy, but that theory he quickly shot down.
He had never had any desire for women. He could admire their beauty, admire their difference from him, but nothing that he could for certain call attraction. In fact, he had never experienced any sort of romantic affection for anyone at all.
Chad shattered his illusion.
Oleksandr had never contemplated the fact that he might be into men.
His family was Ukrainian, and although they had only loose ties to the Ukrainian Orthodox Church, they still held fast to their traditional values and spartan lifestyle. Oleksandr himself never had the perspective of a Soviet lens, but from the stories his relatives told, he was thankful he never had that misfortune.
From childhood indoctrination, to a crumbling economy and society, to the hunger of foreign powers lapping at the former Soviet lands, he does not blame them for their fear of change.
But as time went on, Oleksandr began to wonder if it was better that he did.
Chad seemed to take an interest in Oleksandr. At first, the timid man feared that Chad was only interested in making a mockery of him, a way to assert his dominance over others and solidify his position as the alpha. Indeed, Chad did partake in friendly teasing, but Oleksandr noticed that if it ever went too far, Chad would intervene.
And Chad seemed to linger around after school and in the halls outside of Oleksandr’s classes. Neither had the courage to strike up a conversation, but both felt the fixation of the other’s eyes when they hadn’t the opportunity to stare back.
Eventually, Oleksandr decided to face his fears.
He confronted Chad, who himself stumbled over his words.The two shared a laugh, and Chad admitted that he had to leave for practice with his sailing team, but that he was open to talk again on the weekend. Before he left, he scribbled his number on a scrap of paper he tore off of his math homework and slipped it into Oleksandr’s pocket.
The latter of the two unfolded the paper, stomach full of butterflies and a grin stretched wide across his face.
The week flew by like a jet. When Saturday finally rolled around, Oleksandr was more than ready to meet Chad at the country club.
Being born to a family of immigrants, Oleksandr had never had the opportunity of experiencing anything on a luxury level. Some part of him felt a pang of guilt, free riding off the money of Chad’s family. But he reminded himself: Chad had invited him here. If he didn’t want him to go, he wouldn’t have asked.
Chad welcomed his friend with open arms, and the two spent a long afternoon enjoying refreshments and putting golf balls into holes; making some shots but missing most, as they were so lost in conversation.
These weekend meets became a pattern, and Oleksandr decided that it was time he paid Chad back. The two alternated hosting the weekly meets, and eventually, Chad decided that the question in the back of his mind had to come to light.
Sitting Oleksandr down, Chad took a seat next to his friend and asked him the burning question:
“Are we dating?”
Oleksandr was speechless.
He blinked once. Then twice. Chad’s expression was hidden behind his tinted lenses, but underneath the cool facade, his entire being was running from itself.
“I- I think we are.”
There was no question about it. They were in love. They might not announce it publicly, or even change their Facebook statuses, but it was what Oleksandr had always wanted.
With the man of his dreams, Oleksandr was ready to live out the rest of his life.
Vows were exchanged years down the road, and with them, wedding bands. Chad was now a member of the olympic sailing team, and Oleksandr, a renowned robotics engineer and outstanding in his field.
They moved in together, to a spacious home on the coast. And soon, their home was inhabited by a third: their adoptive daughter, Madeline. (They named her that because they knew that she was always mad and lying).
Technically, Madeline wasn’t adopted. They just found her at an amusement park without parents, and took her in.
Is that kidnapping?
Who knows.
The three lived and grew happily, and on Madeline’s 10th birthday, her fathers bought her a brand new wii. The family spent hours playing wii tennis, and they couldn’t have been happier.
But alas, all good things must come to an end.
If Oleksandr could’ve said he got his happily ever after, he would.
But it was not to be.
Madeline, now a college graduate, was making plans to find a job. She had joked about how her future boss was shorter than she was, and Oleksandr and Chad had had a hearty laugh at their daughter’s optimism regarding her employment. And like always, the three decided to play wii tennis to unwind.
But the wii wasn’t working. Even Oleksandr, the techxpert, couldn’t fix it on his own. So Chad agreed to take the wii to a repair shop, and his husband and daughter bade him farewell.
Chad never returned home.
To this day, Oleksandr curses drunk drivers.
If only he had dissuaded his husband from driving out at one in the morning on New Year’s day.
If only he had waited.
Madeline is happily employed. Shouldn’t he be happy too? He still has his income and his health and his security.
Yet nothing can fill the empty space on the bed beside him.
Nothing can occupy the hole in his heart.
But what does it mean to the universe, one more grave filled?