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Hoseok had always regretted not being as supportive of Yoongi's relationships as a best friend should.
How could he be though? Besides the fact Hoseok had a very obvious crush on the older boy which was why knowing that Yoongi was in a relationship with someone that wasn't him definitely stung, it was simply difficult to support Yoongi's dating life as he never seemed to be able to spend time with Hoseok during the relationship, only having time to cry in Hoseok's arms after it was over.
Hoseok couldn't really complain however. I mean, what else was he supposed to do?
Yoongi had clarified it many times when several guys asked him out that he was most definitely not interested.
Yet why did Hoseok still stay there crushing on him?
Well, you could only direct that question at Hoseok’s high hopes.
High hopes that when another girl breaks Yoongi’s heart he would realize his more-than-a-best-friend liking of Hoseok; or perhaps Hoseok hoped Yoongi would eventually admit he swung the other way, so Hoseok could at the very least confess with a small chance of Yoongi returning his feelings.
Hoseok had hoped for these things for the longest time, and throughout all those years of him having feelings for Yoongi, not once had he thought to tell the older.
Not until it was already too late.
It was when Hoseok went home from dance practice that Yoongi was surprisingly sitting on their couch, a mug of coffee in his hands, and a computer on his lap.
“Hey...” Hoseok started, “I didn’t know you would come home today.”
Home. Hoseok and Yoongi’s shared apartment. Although, it was more just Hoseok's apartment with Yoongi paying half the rent at that point. He was always at his girlfriend's house. They had been together for two years—the longest Yoongi had ever been with anyone. Hoseok should've been happy for the long lasting relationship, but instead his gut twisted into tight knots and a feeling of dread hung over him like a cloud that wouldn't stop raining.
“Ah right,” Yoongi said smiling at Hoseok with a certain giddy gleam in his eyes that Hoseok couldn't exactly trace, “Sorry about not coming here as often as I should.”
“It’s really fine,” Hoseok lied, removing his shoes at the door. "I know you’re busy with...” Hoseok trailed off before saying her name, "Soyeon."
Go Soyeon. The girlfriend. A walking angel. Hoseok hates her.
Yoongi didn’t seem to note Hoseok's hesitation at saying her name as he continued, “So, Hoseok...I have something to tell you.”
Hoseok wished his heart didn’t skip a beat.
“Well, I’m all ears.”
Hoseok slowly walked towards the couch where Yoongi sat. The older closed his laptop, looking up to where Hoseok was standing and gripping the strap of his dance bag in anticipation.
“As you know, I’m in my last year,” Yoongi started, “and I’m gonna be graduating soon, and you,” Yoongi gestured to Hoseok, “you need your own space, right?”
Hoseok sucked in a breath.
Oh, he thought numbly, Oh, that’s not what I was expecting.
“So,” Yoongi seemed to be trying to find the right words before saying, "Just to get straight to the point. Soyeon...Soyeon and I got our own place together."
It felt as if time stopped.
Out of everything Yoongi could've said to him, he said this.
Hoseok felt his eyes well up with frustrated tears, but tried his best to blink them back. This didn't go unnoticed by Yoongi however as he got up and wrapped his arms around the taller boy.
"Oh...Oh I didn't think you would cry," Yoongi admitted, guilt laced in his voice.
Hoseok softly pushed Yoongi away, which seemed to have shocked Yoongi, but if it bothered him, the older didn't say anything out loud.
"I," Hoseok was able to recollect himself quickly, not meeting Yoongi's eyes, "I'm not crying."
"Right," Yoongi said sharply, still off-put by the way Hoseok was acting.
They were best friends and Yoongi seemed to know there was something deeper to Hoseok's expression at that time, he just couldn't put a finger on it.
"I'm happy for you," Hoseok mumbled, staring at the wall behind Yoongi, "I'm all sweaty, I should go shower now."
Before Hoseok could turn away however, Yoongi grabbed his wrist lightly. Hoseok stared down at where Yoongi was holding him, the pale skin of the older's hand contrasting against his own tan forearm.
Hoseok wanted Yoongi to say that it was a prank, that his best friend wasn't leaving him, that it was all just a big misunderstanding.
Instead, Hoseok was met with, "You'll be okay with the rent, right?"
Hoseok was able to meet Yoongi's eyes at that, and the older boy was still sporting a look of concern for his best friend.
Hoseok pulled his arm away before muttering, "It's fine. I'm fine," and trudged off into the bathroom without another word, leaving Yoongi in the living room.
If Hoseok had stayed longer, he would've been able to hear Yoongi whisper a small, "Okay, Hoseokie," before picking up his laptop and leaving for Soyeon's.
Not long after that ordeal was moving day.
Neither of them talked about Hoseok's strange behavior from the day before, so there was a tense silence that loomed over the apartment as Hoseok helped Yoongi pack his things. Sometimes, Soyeon even came over and helped. Yoongi always tried to make Hoseok feel less of a third wheel and it even worked sometimes and Hoseok could forget his crush on Yoongi and his hatred for Soyeon for a moment and simply let himself relax and have fun. At least not until he sees Yoongi shooting heart eyes fondly at his girlfriend when she so much as breathes.
After Yoongi packed his things away in the moving van the couple rented, Hoseok said his goodbyes.
"Don't look so gloomy," Yoongi joked as he approached Hoseok who was standing on the sidewalk in front of him and Yoongi's—no, just his—apartment complex, "Even though we're in different years we could still try and make time to see each other often, right?"
Hoseok wanted to scoff. Yoongi—the same Min Yoongi who cuts Hoseok out of his life whenever he gets into a relationship—wants to keep in touch while living in the same house as his girlfriend?
Hoseok toned down his pent-up anger before replying, "Yeah. Yeah of course." He hoped Yoongi couldn't hear the bite in his words.
If Yoongi did, he didn't show it, and instead smiled a gummy smiled at the younger boy before pulling him into a warm hug.
Hoseok wondered if Yoongi could feel his heart race. He wondered if he had ever made Yoongi's heart beat as fast.
Yoongi was the first to pull away, still wearing the same smile Hoseok knew and loved.
Soyeon waved at the two from the driver's seat of the moving van, her beautifully long brown hair flowing in the wind as she stuck her head out the window to yell, "Get in, loser!" at Yoongi.
Yoongi just laughed his pretty laugh before saying goodbye to Hoseok and practically sprinted to the van excitedly.
Hoseok watched Yoongi get into the van, not looking back once as he drove away with Soyeon, leaving his best friend behind.
A year passed.
A year of no texts from Yoongi, no sight of Yoongi, no knowledge of how he is, nor where he is, or if he's even alive. Hoseok wondered if Yoongi felt the same worry he felt. Hoseok also began to question Yoongi's place in his life.
Were they even best friends? Best friends would've kept in touch, right? Perhaps their friendship died when Yoongi started dating, but Hoseok wasn't ready to believe that. He didn't think he would ever be. He wished the thoughts away and blocked Yoongi's number out of petty anger and frustration.
Hoseok knew it was easy; simply text him first, or better yet: get up, get an Uber to the address Yoongi gave to him before he moved and see him.
He never did. He couldn't bear to bring himself to.
Instead, he busied himself, forcing himself to not miss his best friend.
Hoseok moved out not long after Yoongi did; the apartment he shared with Yoongi reminded him of too many memories, and it was too cold for his liking without Yoongi anyways. Instead, he rented a warm and quaint home for himself near the dance studio he worked as a teacher at. Hoseok's students were always his age and flirted with him often. He never had the same class of students each session so he didn't mind flirting back just in case they didn't hit it off like he expected. These relationships barely held together however. Some of them were just casual relationships, but if Hoseok was pursued by someone seeking a long-term relationship, it always ended the same way.
"This doesn't feel right."
"We just don't seem to be in a relationship."
"Why don't you want to do things other couples do?"
"Are you saving yourself for someone else?"
"You always seem distracted by someone who's not me."
Hoseok never confided in them about Yoongi, just uttered a small "I'm sorry" before letting them go. He always felt guilty leading them on, but Hoseok couldn't bring himself to care. Relationships distracted him from Yoongi. He believed that was a good thing.
It wasn't long after one year without Yoongi when Hoseok suddenly had to revisit the old memories he longed to forget.
Hoseok was strolling through the city, looking out for a bar to get drunk at just for the hell of it when he turned the corner face to face with a smiling Min Yoongi and Go Soyeon who seemed to be pregant with a baby.
Hoseok locked eyes with Yoongi and all of them stopped in their tracks. Hoseok swore time stopped at that very moment.
Hoseok opened his out to say something, anything, but he couldn't. His mouth was dry. No words were coming out.
Yoongi broke the tension with a small whisper of, "Hoseok-ah?"
Perhaps if he was younger, when his love for Yoongi was still fresh, new, and exciting, perhaps Hoseok would've shivered at the gravel of Yoongi's voice saying his name.
Instead, he felt emotionless. No anger, no happiness, no sadness, no frustration, no excitement, no lust; nothing. Hoseok felt nothing. It scared him.
"Hey," Hoseok grimanced at the way his voice sounded but continued on, "It's been a while."
Soyeon seemed to understand smiling at Hoseok as she walked by him, hand on her baby bump.
"It's nice to see you, Hoseok," she said, turning the corner, leaving the two alone.
Right as she left, Yoongi rushed up to envelop the younger in a hug.
Hoseok stilled, unsure if he should hug back.
"I've missed you," Yoongi told him.
"Yeah," Hoseok said lamely, "Yeah. Me too."
Yoongi pulled back, raising an eyebrow at Hoseok's response, but Hoseok looked away, afraid to see the older boy's expression.
"You smell like cigs," Yoongi said instead, a frown prominent on his face.
"Oh." Hoseok wasn't really surprised at this. He started smoking not too long ago, helps to relieve his stress; although, the smell could also be coming from the button-up shirt he was wearing which was probably from one of his past boyfriends who smoked. Hoseok honestly didn't know.
Yoongi seemed a bit frustrated at Hoseok's answers as his eyebrows furrowed.
"Why haven't you been answering my texts and calls?" Yoongi finally asked exasperatedly, "I went our apartment, but I was told you moved out; I went to your dance studio, but they said you don't dance there anymore; I went to our favorite places at the exact times you would usually be there, but you weren't. I thought you were dead, Jung Hoseok."
"I'm sorry," was all Hoseok could say. The phrase was on his lips often those days.
However Yoongi? No, Yoongi wasn't taking any of it.
"No, Hoseok. God. No, please don't be sorry," he said, practically begging, "It must have been me. I just know I did something. Something very wrong for you to just cut me out of your life like that without saying anything. Ever since that day I told you I would move out all those years ago, you've been different, Hoseok, and I know it's because of me. Just please just tell me what, Hoseok. I'll make it right. I swear, I promise, just please."
Hoseok bit his lip before whispering, "You can't help. You're already too late and it's my fault."
"No," Yoongi replied, determination swirling in his brown eyes, "No. It's never too late. I'm not mad that you didn't come to the baby shower; I'm not mad you didn't attend the wedding; I'm not mad, Hoseokie. I could never be mad at you. All I want, however, is an explanation as to why."
Yoongi's words rung in Hoseok's ears.
Baby shower. Wedding. He missed it. He missed all of it.
After a few beats of silence, Yoongi spoke again, "Hoseok-ah?"
"I loved you."
Yoongi didn't seem to hear him, or if he did, he simply didn't understand, "What?"
Hoseok met Yoongi's eyes and raised his voice, "I loved you, Min Yoongi. Oh god did I love you. I loved you ever since I met you when I toured the university for the first time and wandered away from the tour group and you and your stupid face smiling your stupid smile and your stupid voice telling me how to get back to the group. I loved you so much it hurt me."
Hoseok's voice never stopped raising as he continued on, tears pooling in his eyes, "I was in love with you, but you were just too oblivious and I just wasn't selfish enough to tell you! I should've told you when I had the chance I know, and I also know that I'm going to be living with this regret for the rest of my life; the regret that if I had just done something maybe things would be different. But I didn't, Yoongi-hyung. I never did."
Hoseok took a deep breath, wiping the tears from his eyes and ending his words quietly with, "And you can't help me with that. No one can."
"Oh."
Yoongi stood there, an indescribable look on his face, his hands reaching out as if he wanted to touch the crying boy, but he stopped for reasons unknown to Hoseok.
"Yeah," Hoseok scoffed, "Oh."
He took a step towards the empty sidewalk behind Yoongi.
He wasn't stopped.
That's when Hoseok knew Yoongi didn't feel the same. That's when he knew that Yoongi never did. That's when he knew Yoongi could never understand nor accept his feelings.
Hoseok wanted to cry at the outcome of all this, but also wanted to sigh in relief that he was getting the closure he had always wanted.
With that, Hoseok walked away from his past, leaving behind Yoongi with it.