Work Text:
I can’t sleep without you next to me
April 24th, 2020
If you ever asked Evan, he would say that sadness is his most basic and common emotion. But he would also tell you he didn't mind for several reasons. It was pure. And it was something everyone felt. A way to connect everyone. And though sadness was painful and a lot of the time harmful to extreme extents, Evan wouldn't trade it for the world.
But right now he isn't sad. He's angry. He's angry and he's jealous and he's..well, hurt. There's an ache in his chest that drowns out the anger. Another beauty to sadness, he guesses.
Evan knows he can't control what he feels. Evan knows this better than anyone on this god forsaken Earth. And yet there's a pit of guilt, swirling and mixing with the sadness. It would make a pretty teal color if he was dealing with paint. Or turquoise. Yet the pit in his stomach didn't feel as pretty as those colors did.
The air is crisp and the night is calm. There's no noise, not even from the bugs or the cars. Just people sleeping. People tossing and turning. People staring and thinking and comprehending all that's happened. There's people silently letting their emotions free in the privacy of their room and their covers. The world is once again connected by the one thing we all grow to share.
Evan misses Jared. He misses Jared a lot. He misses when he'd get out of bed because his thoughts were swarming and jabbing, and Jared's footsteps would be right behind him. He said that his body couldn't sleep without something to hold close. Evan had suggested a pillow many times-his remorse mixing with every suggestion.
Jared had declined each one. He said he preferred Evans body pressed against his holding on just as tight. Strange, how we need comfort in every hour of the day. Even with our minds turned off-our body needs it close. Not even when our minds take breaks are we disconnected from this world.
The blankets hold onto Evan as tightly as they can. Curled around his shoulders and softly begging to be of some comfort. His tea has gotten cold and gross and honestly, he needs to dump it out already. Which bothers him because it's a waste of tea and water but, a lot of things are bothering Evan tonight.
Things like knowing he needs to be in bed right now. Things like he knows their bills are stacking up. Things like Jared wasn't home yet and he needed more comfort than this apartment was willing to give by itself.
He trusted Jared with all his heart. Even with all his insecurities- he never doubted even for a moment that Jared would be off with some better looking happier guy while pretending to work. Jared constantly showered him with affection and loving words (whenever he was around) and Evan could barely leave to go piss without Jared being attached to him.
Evan knew that he would be a fool if he didn't trust that Jared adored him. He'd have to be deaf not to hear the love in his voice when he got home and deaf to not hear the pain when he left only hours later. He'd have to be blind to not see the way Jared's whole face brightened when he saw Evan at any given point. And he'd have to be nose blind to not smell that he was using all his colognes and wearing his t-shirts just to be reminded of Evan throughout the day.
Every night when Jared got home, the bags under his eyes would try to pull his eyelids down with him. They would droop and sag and Evan knew he wanted nothing more than to sleep. And yet every night he sat down with Evan at the table, (which at first, he scolded Evan for being up so late. But Jared misses talking to Evan far too much to actually scold him any longer.) and he asked how Evans day was.
And he'd go on to rant about every little thing that reminded him of Evan and every little thing he had wanted to say. And though neither ended up getting much sleep, it was easily their favorite time of the day.
And as Evan sat here with a blanket draped around his shoulders with cold disgusting tea in front of him, he really really craved one of Jared's hugs. The blanket was as cold as the tea, seemingly getting colder and colder as the minutes ticked on. They lacked any comfort and, god, Evan found himself wondering if his emotions had seeped through to the thin grey blanket.
There should be a lot of emotions and thoughts running through Evans head. Worry, hurt, tired. Yet all Evan could do at the moment was miss his boyfriend and wonder why the world had given them such shitty hands.
Evan finally got up to dump out the cold, disgusting tea. His footsteps were silent, mirroring the rest of the world. Except for the repetitive creaking noise of their front door. It was slow and carefully opened, attempting to be as soft as it could. Not that it mattered. Evan didn't ever sleep until he could be nestled in Jared's arms.
He checked his phone. The brightness of it shone through the semi dark house and his eyes immediately screamed for mercy. 2:38 AM. Jared was meant to be home 8 minutes earlier.
"Hi, love." Jared jumped in response, earning a small giggle from Evan. Despite being scared in the middle of the night after a long shift, Jared's smile echoed Evans amused one.
Arms were wrapped around Evans and he was rushed into a crushing embrace. The hug radiated the warmth Evan had needed all night. He sank into it without a second (or even a first) thought.
"I hoped you were still awake."
Well, it's certainly not like Evan hadn't been the past week.
"Sure. I always am. Up, I mean." A small frown arose on Jared's face. Evan mentally cursed- he really didn't feel like a lecture tonight.
"That isn't very healthy."
"Well, neither is only spending 5 hours at home. 4 of which are spent sleeping." Jared paused and hesitated. Evan didn't want to fight tonight. He really, really didn't.
Jared finally took a deep breath and sighed, "I'm doing it for us, Evan."
And the guilt piled into his stomach once again. He hadn't meant to snap at Jared. But he was tired and his brain couldn't comprehend what he was saying.
"Jared..I don't mind going back to work full time."
"No. Last time-"
"Was different! Situations were different. I'm in a better place now, Jared. I can control my emotions and thoughts better and- and now I have you. To uhm. To help me through it all."
And the apartment was quiet again. Like Jared never got home. Like Evan was sleeping in bed instead of waiting up. It was quiet like the rest of the world was.
With people sleeping and people's tired brains finally turning off. It was quiet along with peoples emotions who are finally starting to simmer down and gently lure them to rest. Jared stared at the floor and Evan stared at Jared, and neither of them ever said a word.
Jared's glasses had slid down to his nose and his mouth and eyebrows were both faced downwards. There was small wrinkles on his forehead from his eyebrows shooting down and god, Evan really missed Jared's stupidly pretty face.
"I couldn't live with myself if something happened to you again."
"So what? You think it's better to keep me in a bubble and work yourself to death?"
It wasn't fair. None of it was fair, not in the slightest. It wasn't fair that Evans mental state was so fragile and costed them so much. It wasn't fair that hospital bills and electricity bills were starting to stack up. And it especially wasn't fair that the only thing that can connect Evan to the world is the stupid painful ache in his chest.
It wasn't fair how tired and close to shattering Jared was. It wasn't fair they never got any time together. And- and it especially wasn't fair that even though Evan needed to put his foot down with this matter, everything in his being told him to drop it and drag Jared off to bed. To hold him as tightly as he could and to hope that some of that warmth he desperately needed stayed with him until he saw Jared again.
"Evan."
"I'm going to start applying for jobs tomorrow. As soon as you leave for work."
"Okay."
"And I don't want any arguments or reverse psychology. You look like you're about to drop dead. And not in the drop dead gorgeous kind of way." Evan pauses, if only for a moment. And it only takes a moment to take in how much warmth he was missing in his life.
"And I miss you, Jared. A lot."
"I miss you too Evan. I'd probably go insane if I didn't have you to come home to."
"Well, now that that's over with."
Evans arms curl around Jared's waist and hoist him up, his giggles echoing throughout the small apartment. Jared ends up shrieking, which in all honesty was one of the weirdest noises Evan has heard from his boyfriend in a while.
"I feel like my heart just grew three times bigger."
"All for me? Like the grinch!"
Evan lets out a small laugh, "Sure. Like the Grinch."
"Speaking of, have you really been working out?"
"It's not like I had anything better to do." Jared ran a hand over Evans stomach in response, a small smile creeping onto his face.
"I hope you know I gonna start calling you muscle daddy."
"Jared- no. Please don't. I'll divorce you."
"Evan, we aren't even married yet."
Yet. We aren't even married yet. Wow, was Evan really whipped.
"I'll marry you just to divorce you."
"No you won't, muscle daddy."
"Jared-"