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The missive on the table – on luxurious writing paper decorated with blue-tinged floating clouds, words written in elegant, graceful script – drew a pensive thoughtfulness on Jiang Cheng’s delicate features. It was from Gusu - a personal invitation from the Sect Leader to talk about “important matters”.
This is a personal invitation from A-Huan – no -, Lan Xichen!
This is totally odd.
All these years, I could not recall having ever received anything personal from Lan Xichen.
I was always the one to give.
Sadness clung heavily to the deathlike silence in the cold room of my private quarters in Lotus Pier. There was a sudden rush of insidious emotions accompanying a tidal wave of unwanted, unwelcome memories.
*****
The first memory was of my first visit to Cloud Recesses - 1 year after the Betrayal at Guanyin.
I went to Gusu hopeful that the handsome, solemn man I dreamt of since when I was 15 would allow me to comfort him in his time of grief over the death of his lover.
He invited me inside his inhospitable Hanshi to listen to the unappetizing stories of business transactions between Gusulan and YunmengJiang – I was too nervous and awkward to bring the discussion to a more personal level. After a measly hour, I had been politely requested to leave - he had a throbbing headache.
It was a small success that he would let another bother his solitary seclusion. Warm anticipation of what was to come had engulfed me when I arrived home to Lotus Pier that night.
I convinced myself that it was much better and more helpful for me to visit him every full moon of the month (an auspicious time) – and so I did. He was so kind as to accommodate my visits while hoping to win his friendship. I continuously prayed that I could share the warmth I felt every time I was in his wonderful presence.
*****
I felt so blessed, so happy, so elated that he allowed me to hold his cold, weak hand after 18 months of visitation – I was happier still when he allowed me to kiss the same soft, sweet-smelling hand six months later.
Every full moon, every monthly visit, I could feel our interaction improving – we were becoming friends! I remember that one night I hugged my pillow tightly at the renewed hope that I could be more than his friend - that he would look at me with sweetness and care in his eyes.
My heart was tingling with excitement as I planned for the different gifts I could bring for him in the next months: each gift an expression of love for the entirety of his remaining days in seclusion.
*****
I was over the moon to realize the gifts had worked their magic as he took my first kiss when I brought him the caramel flavored popped lotus seeds.
I was even more excited and giddy when the sweet lotus buns brought me to his embrace and allowed me to witness his sweet moans of release from all the friction our bodies had created.
The next month I brought Lotus Nectar and I felt the full bloom of our love as he slathered my body with the same nectar, marked me as his own, and asked me to call him A-Huan. I never felt so complete in my entire life.
*****
I was filled with so much electricity and expectation for the next visit that I was unable to listen to the babbling of my two guests who came to visit me one day before the full moon.
Jin Ling and Nie Huisang had decided for themselves that we should visit the renowned magical swans in the small lakes around Ezhou, near the borders of Yunmeng. They told me that every full moon the graceful swans performed their ethereal dance for chastity, honor, and love. They wanted me to accompany them to such a marvelous sight.
But they could not sway me. Why go ogle at some swans when I had my own beauty waiting for me at Cloud Recesses? I left them pouting and angry that night. I didn’t care, my heart was bound to a promise of something more.
*****
The afternoon of that full moon, I arrived in Cloud Recesses with my heart full of anticipation and excitement, bearing gifts of special tea and crystal cakes with lotus and raisin filling.
I could feel a different kind of hunger as he looked at me over each bit of crystal cake, my heart was thunderously beating in my chest.
But the strength of those emotions could not compensate for the depth of emptiness I felt after he dragged me to his bed, laid open my robes, and proceeded to divest me of my innocence without an iota of emotion. After he had satisfied himself, he rolled over to the side of his bed and fell asleep.
The series of actions of cleaning myself, putting on robes and walking towards the gates limping and in pain with full knowledge that I was used - that I was willing to be used - was acutely humiliating, even a tongue-lashing from mother for losing to Wei Wuxian in front of YunmengJiang disciples was significantly more pleasant.
And it was so much more mortifying to hear one Lan disciple tell another, “Sect Leader Lan’s visitor last night looked much happier than Sect Leader Jiang did tonight.”
I was not Lan Xichen’s sole visitor. There was another – or many others - and from the malicious expression totally out-of-place on the face of a Lan disciple - the others’ visits were neither chaste nor innocent.
*****
I flew weakly home to Lotus Pier in utter distress - eyes red and fluffy from crying, fists trembling with shame, my body still in pain from a rough and careless intrusion.
Each painful stab of my broken heart and each excruciating breath of air cemented my decision that night: Lan Xichen will never touch me again. Lan Xichen will never feel my love and care again. Lan Xichen would mean nothing to me. I would never ever be used by someone like Lan Xichen.
He broke me when I had only good intentions for him. To hell with the asshole Lan Xichen!
*****
Jin Ling and Nie Huisang were witnesses to my arrival in Lotus Pier.
I had almost fallen off my sword - a debauched, disheveled, sputtering mess - hair in disarray, eyes swollen and wet with an unending deluge of tears, and nose red, irritated and dripping. My robes were slipping off my shoulders as I could not tie my sash tightly when I was neither able to stop my hands from shaking with so much emotion nor my body from being wracked by heaving, sobbing spasms as my grief hurtled out of control. Even Zidian was too confused to react.
I could hardly care what the few disciples who loitered around the halls thought when they saw me – they knew better than to spread gossip about their Sect Leader. Even Yu Ning’s hand holding the tray of food and tea shook in empathy when she saw the mess that I was. She had known me since I was young, I am sure she has never seen me this way, not even when my parents were butchered by the Wens.
Jin Ling and Nie Huisang both held me tight until I was too tired to ferret any more emotions from my heart.
I regretted another thing that night: I should have spared Jin Ling from the sight of my breakdown and the intensity of my despair. My distress had caused him so much anguish, he began distancing himself from the Lan friends he had known since he was knee-high.
Only the brave can love they say – brave enough to allow yourself to be vulnerable to another.
Unfortunately, that night, Jin Ling saw the extent that one could be vulnerable for love - that Sandu Shengshou, his strong, independent, stubborn uncle could be broken by love.
*****
The last two important people in my life stayed with me until I felt well enough to perform my duties as Sect Leader.
They both kept my mind occupied: Nie Huisang helped me paint a purple fan with lotus flowers and taught me how to use the fan as a weapon; and Jin Ling showed me a new set of talismans for protection – one talisman for Wei Wuxian – which screamed when a dog was nearby and, once activated, screeched at a surprised Fairy.
They even gave me a puppy by the end of the week, and all three of us agreed that Peacock was a good name for him as he strutted around the training yard preening for the disciples to pet him.
I could feel the care they both felt for me. They left their Sect duties just to care for me. I was truly grateful. Because of Jin Ling, Nie Huisang, and Peacock, it was easy for me to forget the depth of my -negative - emotions towards Lan Xichen.
The memories that had come rushing to fore now slowed down with calmness and serenity. I felt peace relishing in the monthly visits of my best friend and my nephew.
*****
The Discussion Conference was held a few months later at the Unclean Realm. The participants of the Conference were slowing filling up the hall, as Nie Huisang performed his duties as the host.
I was excited about the night hunt and relieved that Jin Ling had become friends again with the Lan juniors. He finally understood that they had no part in Lan Xichen’s actions.
I was listening to their heated discussion when Nie Huisang suddenly appeared by my side and pulled me to a corner of the hall.
He was flushed and angry as he looked into my eyes assuring me of his presence while indicating with a movement of his head for me to look at the entrance of the hallway.
Lan Xichen stood there, perfect and pristine as can be, beaming at the people who had gathered around to meet him.
“They say he left seclusion yesterday. Even the Juniors did not know.”
“Please do not be worried about me A-sang. I feel nothing for him. Not anymore.” Turning my head to look back at him, I know my steady smile did not comfort Nie Huisang. But in my heart, I honestly did not feel a thing – not grief, not anger, nothing - for Lan Xichen.
“What?!” The look of incredulity swept across Nie Huisang’s face forcing me to look back towards Lan Xichen. As I saw the reason for his surprise, I could feel the thoughts of all people congregated at the hall – the figure that stood beside him looked exactly like Jin Guangyao – an exact replica, even to his dainty, cultured movements.
“Uncle.” Jin Ling was trying to control the emotions in his voice. “My disciple says that he is from TingshanHe Sect, a distant cousin of the Jins. Lan Sizhui says he has seen him visit Lan Xichen during his seclusion.”
“
He is the other.” I heard myself say in a voice devoid of emotions.
I felt pulled into a hug as Nie Huisang enveloped me with his comfort and Jin Ling rubbed my circles onto my stiff back. I allowed myself to bask in their care for a few minutes then pulled back to show that I hadn’t been affected by Lan Xichen’s presence.
*****
The indifference I felt pervaded throughout the next two days of the conference. I paid no attention to Lan Xichen and my life was more peaceful for it.
It was the last day of the conference and Jin Ling was preparing to go on the night hunt with the juniors and the Jin Sect disciples. I was confident that Yunmeng would be well represented, my disciples were strong and well trained.
Nie Huisang was holding the last briefing with his council and promised to meet me around the Qinghe gardens. He wanted to make plans for his next visit to Lotus Pier.
“ A-Cheng.” A slow, luscious voice shook me from my thoughts.
“Lan Xichen.” A perfectly arched eyebrow lifted at the name. The MAN looked very beautiful and serene.
“Not A-Huan anymore, A-Cheng? I missed you A-Cheng.” The pretty pout I used to love adorned his face.
“You have many other visitors to comfort you, Lan Xichen. You don’t need me.”
“But you’re different A-Cheng. I want to see you again.”
He was trying to be seductive, but I only found his expression lewd and lecherous - there was no spark of denial, no apologies for his outrageous behavior, no shame from this man. I could feel a gamut of emotions bubble beneath my flushed skin. Zidian began throwing sparks – reflecting the anger starting to heat in my eyes. The ice of indifference around my heart had melted.
“Fuck you, you’re an asshole Lan Xichen! I gave you everything of myself! You used me – you greedy bastard, you took –“
“A-Cheng!” Nie Huisang’s voice rose above the din of my emotions.
Beside him, the elders of his council stood agape at my display. I almost destroyed the reputation of my Sect – a Sect Leader shouting profanities to another Sect Leader – especially to one as calm and well respected as Lan Xichen - was not at all desirable behavior.
Nie Huisang took my hand and threaded his fingers between mine as he pulled me towards his rooms.
“We have to talk about my next visit to Yunmeng.”
*****
“Breathe A-Cheng.”
He held me close as my legs buckled - no longer able to sustain my weight and we slid slowly to the floor. My body started to shake as I was thrown into a maelstrom of emotions - I was starting to descend into despair again.
Suddenly appearing out of nowhere, a cold, slobbering tongue licked at the tears streaming down my face.
“Ewww Peacock! Disgusting!” I wiped my face with the sleeves of my robe while pushing Peacock away.
I could only give in to laughter when a furry head nuzzled itself onto my belly and further to the crook of my neck, pushing hard until we ended piled upon the floor. A-Sang laying flat on the floor, my upper body angled slightly askew on top of his chest and Peacock comfortably nestled on top of me.
“Stand up Peacock, you’re getting heavy, boy.” There was a fondness to A-Sang’s voice as he pushed the big puppy away. I looked up at his face to receive a wink as he smirked that handsome smirk of his.
“You’re happy now A-Cheng? Peacock cured you with his drool.”
“I am A-Sang, many thanks to you and Peacock.” I was still enveloped in his warmth when we both stood up to prepare our plans for his visit to Lotus Pier.
*****
That was three days ago. Tomorrow night there would be a full moon.
I felt a sudden clenching in my stomach as I looked out into the silken waters of Lotus Lake. The missive was heavy in my hand.
“Lan Xichen expects me to visit him again this full moon.”
I only felt weary at the thought. People think the first Jade was empathetic and kind – but he was never understanding nor compassionate with you, Jiang Cheng!
Not with me. With me, he just took what he wanted.
I threw the paper into the fire. It was not worthy of a response.
*****
“Sect Leader Jiang, you have a visitor.” The man bowed down low - some emotion akin to annoyance flitting around his eyes. I wonder why - this disciple was not prone to swings of mood.
“Good morning A-Cheng! I apologize for this early intrusion.” Lan Xichen’s dazzling, warm smile lit up the room.
-Oh, that’s why- The smile only served to dampen my spirits.
“ You’re early Zewujun.”
“I was worried. You failed to answer my letter and you didn’t show up yesterday. I was wondering if you were fine.” His voice was tinged with care and concern. I wondered if it was real.
“I’m fine Zewujun. Nie Huisang, Jin Ling, and I decided to visit the small lakes around Ezhou near the borders of Yunmeng last night. The magical swans performed their ethereal dance for chastity, honor, and love. It was a marvelous sight!”
A dark, worried shadow threatened to cover the sun on Lan Xichen’s face. He made no response to my statement, choosing to look at the floor instead.
I chose to ignore the change in mood.
“You said in your letter that there was some important matter you wanted to talk with me about. Can you tell me about it now?”
My words seemed to drive him into movement, as he closed the space between us and took my hands into his. His other hand rose all the way to my face, caressing my cheek and tugging my chin upwards to force me to look into his eyes. I could see some intense emotions in their depths.
“A-Cheng, I was not lying when I said I missed you. My life has been barren without your visits. You are very important to me. Two days ago I asked my council’s permission to do the thing that I have been wanting to do for months now. I want you to be part of my life. I love you A-Cheng, marry me!”
I did not feel anything when I heard his declaration. I just took his hand away from my face.
“Zewujun, I am sorry, but I humbly refuse your proposal.”
His eyes filled with tears and grief was once again visible on his perfect face.
“Last night, amidst the mystical dancing swans of Ezhou, Nie Huisang asked me to marry him. He has seen me through all the significant moments of my adult life - both good and bad - and he has been good to me and Jin Ling. He deserves my love just as much as I deserve his.”
“I am waiting for him to take me to Qinghe to face his council and announce our engagement.”