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The case really messed with him. In many ways, but after the dust settled there was one thing in particular he wasn’t able to get out of his mind.
Many of the things he has seen in the recent time weren’t pretty. But none of them was new to him. He was intimately familiar with extent of cruelty people are capable of. When it comes to brutality, he himself has done worse, and just for fun, so no, none of it really shocked him. The most shocking part was that it kind of made him sick to think someone might cause this much harm to get power over others, and again, he was no stranger to the feeling. He knew the kind of high power can give.
No, the thing was… Knowing what Crane paid for…
The thought that such a deplorable creature can even dream about getting to touch Snow was disgusting. But the thing is… he still got it… in a way. And everything in it was deeply disgusting. The image, that’s for sure, but how he got it… Exploiting women, putting them in position in which they cannot get away. He might be a monster himself, but something like this was beyond him. Killing is one thing, but keeping someone alive just to enslave them is something completely different. And it doesn’t fucking matter if he was the one behind everything or just using the system created by someone else, it’s all the same.
But the idea that could not leave his mind didn’t really have anything to do with Crane’s moral bankruptcy. He wished it did, actually. But no, the one thing that could not leave his mind was the picture of Snow White committed to fulfill his every fantasy.
It was impossibly wrong in every way and he knew it. He might be a monster, but he would never exploit someone to get an imitation of something he had no right to ever get.
He would never do that. But if he would? He would never be in this situation. But if he was? It was clearly not what he wanted. But if he had it?
For someone who was not able to get through an hour of his life without thinking about her, he rarely ever dared to think about her in indecent ways. He always felt like he was not allowed to do it, whether she could know about it or not. But even when he did, he never wanted her to be submissive or obedient (the opposite, if anything, he would gladly be the one to do anything that was asked of him). Still, knowing someone had her in this way… He could not let it go.
Was he this mad at Crane out of sheer possessiveness? Well, possibly. When he was completely honest with himself it was true he just did not like the idea of any other man being with her. Would he ever say anything if she started seeing someone? No. But in the case when she was repulsed by the idea just as much he had a free pass.
What it means to be human is to restrain. He was so used to it, over the years it became his second nature. Maybe first. At this point he was not able to tell if he genuinely was appalled by the concept of forcing sex on anyone or if he was so used to denying his urges that the whole idea made him sick. He could not clearly state if this sudden obsession wasn’t just a part of him he thought died a long time ago coming to the fore.
It’s true he has never done anything like it, but he has caused countless deaths only to feel stronger and more powerful than his victims. Maybe he wasn’t ever any better? Maybe it wasn’t beyond him.
Well, it was. Because he… did not actually want to do any of this? Somehow he could not let go of the intrusive thought, and in his heart of hearts could admit he liked It in a very strange and guilty way, but the idea of actually doing anything like it, paying for an illusion of making love to a woman about whom he cared more than about anything ever in his life, it was just… no.
It wasn’t just that it was wrong and not right in regard to her, he genuinely did not want to have sex with someone pretending to be her.
He wanted to be with her, not with anyone else. There was a purely physical aspect to his attraction, and that was probably what was harassing his brain, but it wasn’t that kind of thing. He admired her determination despite the treatment she was generally receiving, devotion to her goals and incredible strength.
What he wanted most of all was for her to let him into her life. When he dared to think about her in a sexual way, in his fantasies she was most of all eager. He wanted her to want him. Make a conscious decision to be with him. That was his wildest dream.
Paying… It seemed to easy. Nothing this easy could ever feel real. Nothing this fake could ever feel remotely close to the real thing.
And if it’s not her, then what’s the point? There is none. Absolutely none. He wanted their relationship to change and evolve in the romantic direction, not just to know how it would be to fuck someone looking somewhat like her. And he certainly did not want to get any power over her, in any way. Her independence was one of her most impressive qualities.
But still, on some level the fantasy about her willing to do anything for him was something he was going back to again and again. If not to indulge in it, then to feel guilty about.
The most scary part of it was a slowly creeping in realization that it could be the only way in which he could ever get her, because she would never consider him. But what was new.