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Ryeowook thought he had a very good impulse control. He resisted that extra dessert on the plane, he said no to the discounted coat he saw while strolling through Hongdae, and he shook his head on Donghae’s offer to drink until dawn the other day. When it came to Kyuhyun, though, well, he pretty much threw his impulse control through the window.
He kept chanting the mantra to himself, he wrote it down on the post-it notes on the fridge, made a reminder of it in his phone, said it to Jesus, went to the shrine and all the things other people usually did to make it come true. The mantra being—STOP SLEEPING WITH EX-HUSBAND.
It was rather inappropriate and downright embarrassing to think about it now, what with the said ex-husband currently kissing him senseless up the wall in his living room. They haven’t made it to the bedroom yet, and Ryeowook was going to lose his mind.
“Kyuhyun,” he whispered, heaving as Kyuhyun’s kisses trailed down his neck. “I have a flight to catch in twelve hours.”
“Well, we better do it fast then.” Kyuhyun picked him up and started walking towards his bedroom.
Ryeowook met Kyuhyun on his early 20s. He was fresh out of art school, working multiple freelance jobs to make ends meet. He first saw Kyuhyun in the grocery store, picking through instant seasoning with raised eyebrows. Kyuhyun had chicken in his basket and pretty much nothing else, except a few beers.
He asked Kyuhyun what he wanted to cook. He looked relieved and started babbling about the spicy fried chicken and how important it was for him to learn how to cook it because he was now living on his own. Ryeowook listened in amusement before going through his usual spicy fried chicken recipe. They went from aisle to aisle, from the seasoning shelf to the vegetable section of the grocery store, in search of all the ingredients Kyuhyun needed.
When they were done, Kyuhyun asked him for his number.
They got caught in a whirlwind romance after that. He learned that Kyuhyun had already graduated college with a degree in accounting and a minor in business, despite being a year younger than him. The younger was exactly 10 centimeters taller than him, could play the piano, and was a wine addict. He was set to inherit his father’s publishing company but it was a thought that Kyuhyun himself had casted away as a long future.
They moved in together barely two months after their first date and got married two years later. Everyone thought they had lost their minds, being married so young. That was never a question for Ryeowook though, they had been so in love.
The first three years were great. He worked in an advertising firm as a graphic designer while Kyuhyun worked as an accountant in a firm, denying his father’s request to work for the publishing company. They had a date every weekend, be it a home-cooked dinner, reading the Great Gatsby (Kyuhyun read it out loud to him, and he half-listened half-distracted because of how pretty Kyuhyun’s lips were), or a two-day camping trip. They cooked, cleaned the apartment, bought groceries like young married couples usually did. They were blissfully happy.
And then on the same day, Kyuhyun’s father died of stroke and Ryeowook was fired from his job.
Things fell apart pretty quickly. Kyuhyun was forced to quit his job and took care of the publishing company. Ryeowook thought that Kyuhyun never had the time to fully grieve, and in result he became increasingly distant. He threw himself to work and slept on the office more than he slept at home. Meanwhile Ryeowook’s anxiety came full force and he spent days too tired to do anything, let alone search for new jobs.
They struggled for another 2 months before getting into a fight so explosive the only way out is to call it quits. Ryeowook received an offer to work for a famous advertising firm in Tokyo and immediately moved out, got on an airplane, and mailed Kyuhyun the divorce papers a week later. It was settled in less than a month and Kyuhyun gave him a massive sum of alimony he had not touched at all, even now.
That should have been it. It was a civil divorce. No screaming in courtroom, no kids to fight over. But then Ryeowook had a conference in Seoul three months after the divorce and showed up on Kyuhyun’s apartment, drunk and pleading. He remembered Kyuhyun hugging him while he cried his eyes out. The next morning, Kyuhyun kissed him, and thus it all started this whole thing. And by thing he meant them hooking up everytime his work required him to go to Seoul—once every three weeks or so.
Well, Ryeowook was now determined to end it now. He would make sure that this was the last time. He and Kyuhyun would have to go their separate ways. Again.
Ryeowook ran his fingers on Kyuhyun’s upper arms, drawing imaginary little doodles. He heard Kyuhyun’s chuckles and promptly raised his head. “What?”
“You really never change,” Kyuhyun said, eyes fluttering asleep. “You always like to do that.”
Ryeowook smiled. This was his favorite moment with Kyuhyun, when they were too tired to do anything else, limbs tangled, breathings slow. The sex was always great between them, but nothing beat hearing Kyuhyun humming his favorite songs with a smile plastered on his face.
“Do you remember what others used to say, about us?” Ryeowook whispered, stroking Kyuhyun’s cheeks. “We are the encyclopedic, citable, peer-reviewed—”
“—authorities on every detail of each other’s lives,” Kyuhyun whispered back. “Yeah, I remember.”
It was true. Although in total they were together only for five years, he knew Kyuhyun like he knew the recipe of his mother’s spicy fried chicken and Kyuhyun knew him like he knew the passage of the Great Gatsby. They knew what each other’s different sighs meant, what each other’s smiles meant. He knew Kyuhyun’s first piano teacher’s name and Kyuhyun knew the story of a peculiar scar on his right hip. Every nook and cranny of each other’s existence.
Ryeowook rolled over on top of Kyuhyun, studying his ex-husband’s face. His hair was longer than the last time he came over. He also looked a bit thinner, a fact Ryeowook chalked up as Kyuhyun being so caught up in his work he forgot his lunch. Ryeowook smiled again, “I am going to set up your tinder profile.”
Kyuhyun’s mouth twitched into an exasperated smile. “Here we go again.”
“I am serious, I don’t like that you are alone in this big apartment—”
“Changmin and Minho came over sometimes.”
“All visiting friends! You need someone, Kyuhyun.”
“I am fine,” Kyuhyun let out a long sigh—half tired, half giving up.
“No, you don’t.” Ryeowook squeezed Kyuhyun’s cheeks. “You get lonely.”
“You do, too.”
Ryeowook let the reply hung in the air. He brushed off Kyuhyun’s hair strands away from his forehead. Kyuhyun always looked better with his hair pushed back, but he wasn’t going to say it out loud. He had said it before—before the divorce. He couldn’t stand all the Mean Girls reference Kyuhyun blurted out for a week after he said it.
“I am going to find you someone,” Ryeowook declared, ending the silence.
“Please don’t,” Kyuhyun replied with his eyes closed.
Ryeowook woke up because of the thunder. When he opened his eyes, Kyuhyun was nowhere to be seen. He raised his eyebrows and went out of the bedroom. Kyuhyun was on the kitchen, waiting for the toaster to finish its job. His eyes were glued to the TV, his eyebrows drawned together, concerned.
“Hey,” Ryeowook said, mind still hazy because of the short nap. “What’s wrong?”
Kyuhyun nodded towards the TV. Ryeowook squinted.
A big storm is hitting Seoul Metropolitan Area—heavy flooding is expected. The headline was written on top of a big blue ribbon on the bottom of the screen while the reporters were advising citizens on how to stay safe from the storm.
Ryeowook ran into the bedroom and fished out his phone out of the back of his jacket. Fuck. The information on his phone confirmed what he had suspected—his flight was cancelled. Indefinitely.
He went to the kitchen again and sat on one of the stools at the kitchen island. Kyuhyun passed him a toast. “You can stay here, you know. I don’t have work today.”
Ryeowook looked up. Kyuhyun’s hair was disheveled. He sported a frown and a slight pout, looking very endearing. His eyes were big and deep, and he was now getting their undivided attention. Kyuhyun really did not help Ryeowook’s mission of wanting to not sleep with him again—rather, it sparked all the I’m in love with you feelings in his brain.
“Okay,” Ryeowook whispered.
Kyuhyun was playing games in his phone on the couch when Ryeowook suddenly dropped himself into his lap. Ryeowook grinned when Kyuhyun did not get mad and wrapped his hands on Ryeowook’s waist instead. He snatched Kyuhyun’s phone. “As I said, I am going to set up a tinder profile for you.”
Kyuhyun let out a long sigh as a reply.
Ryeowook quickly downloaded the app and opened it up. “I am assuming you still use your old e-mail,” He typed [email protected] into the app. “What do you want as your password?”
Kyuhyun played with his hair before kissing the top of his head. “I don’t know. I usually use 20150815 for everything.”
Ryeowook felt his heart jump. It was the date of their wedding. “Everything?”
“Yeah,” Kyuhyun replied nonchalantly. “Wait, you’re not going to hack into my bank account, aren’t you?” Kyuhyun laughed, and so did he. He had always liked Kyuhyun’s laugh.
“Maybe I will.”
“Don’t waste your time. I’m still broke from paying your alimony,” Kyuhyun teased, tickling his waist.
Ryeowook narrowed his eyes at his ex-husband. “You decided that amount. When I’m trying to transfer it back to your account, you threatened to sue me.”
Kyuhyun shrugged. “I hope you use it to get settled in. I know Tokyo’s housing market is a nightmare.”
Ryeowook ignored him, and continued to tap Kyuhyun’s information on his tinder profile. He scrolled down the gallery to choose pictures for the tinder profile, and couldn’t help but smile. He saw hundreds of pictures of Kyuhyun’s twin nephews. Pictures of them watching cartoons, playing puzzles, eating. There were some that included Kyuhyun, but mostly it was just the twins. He found other pictures as well—of Kyuhyun and Changmin, of Kyuhyun and Minho, of the three of them together, mostly drinking. There was a severe lack of a picture of him alone though, but that wasn’t a surprise. Kyuhyun never really liked taking pictures of himself.
He scrolled some more and found some pictures from their wedding. They both wore white, and the design of their suit was identical. The only difference was the veil wrapped around Ryeowook’s head. “Why do you still have this?”
“Have what—Oh,” Kyuhyun sighed, but his arms automatically tightened around his waist possessively. “I guess it was still the best day of my life.”
Ryeowook felt the low vibration of his voice where his spine was pressed against Kyuhyun’s front. The vibration—and what Kyuhyun was saying—shook his heart like an earthquake. He silently chose three photos of Kyuhyun and in no time, the tinder profile was set up.
“Okay, let’s start. Cho Kyuhyun, you better pay attention.” Ryeowook began to swipe the profiles. A profile caught his attention, of a woman in mid-20s. “Well, what about her?”
Kyuhyun looked at the profile disinterestedly. “No.”
“Why? It said here she loves travelling and food.”
“My mom said I match best with someone older.”
Ryeowook rolled his eyes. “So now we’re listening to her now. As if you didn’t ignore every advice she gave to you.”
“Not every advice. I follow her advice when she suggested for me to marry you.”
“And look how well that turned out.” They both smiled at each other before breaking into a big laughter.
Over the span of the next half an hour, Ryeowook swiped left on every profile as Kyuhyun made up increasingly ridiculous reasons for his dislike to each of them. By the time Kyuhyun blurted out ‘he wore bright green scrunchies, who the hell does that?’ Ryeowook had to turn around and glared at him. “I am beginning to think that you are not taking this seriously.”
“I told you that I am not really interested,” Kyuhyun scrunched up his nose.
He squeezed Kyuhyun’s cheeks. “You are annoying,” He got up from his ex-husband’s lap and walked to the fridge in the kitchen. “I need a drink.”
Ryeowook opened the fridge and saw rows and rows of the taller’s favorite brand of beer. There were some frozen spicy wings and a half-eaten takeout pizza, but not much else. Ryeowook raised his eyebrows and turned back to Kyuhyun. “You don’t cook anymore?” Kyuhyun had always liked cooking, even if his recipes were questionable at times.
“My mom always sends some food to the office for lunch and dinner, so I rarely cook now.”
Ryeowook picked up two cans of beer and handed one to Kyuhyun. “Let’s drink one or two.”
They got absolutely wasted. Well, he did. Kyuhyun had a pretty high tolerance for alcohol, and did not get as drunk as him. They cuddled on the couch, him on top of the taller. He felt Kyuhyun’s hands on his waist again, wrapped up possessively as if preventing him from going anywhere. He wouldn’t anyway.
Kyuhyun kissed his forehead, then nose, then cheeks. He giggled, the kisses felt ticklish somehow. Kyuhyun finished his exploration with a peck on the lips. He grabbed Kyuhyun’s t-shirt, meaning to take it off, but he felt like his energy had been drained. He decided against it. After all, it seemed like they would be stuck here forever.
All of their hookups so far had been various iterations of them tearing each other’s clothes and going at it for an hour before Ryeowook fled to another country or Kyuhyun left for work. So, he appreciated the quiet, the tranquility.
“Remember that time when we fostered a cat?”
Ryeowook heard Kyuhyun’s laughter and felt the vibrations of his chest along with that. “You mean when you had to go to the emergency room because she scratched you every time you tried to bathe her?”
“Yeah,” He lifted his head, looking at Kyuhyun. “No one told me that cat hates being bathed.”
“I am sure not all cats are like that.”
Ryeowook let out a non-committal hum. “They said having pets is like a practice for having kids.”
Kyuhyun went silent for a while after that. “I don’t think children meowed at you for three hours after bath.”
Ryeowook slapped the taller on the forehead playfully. “You know what I mean.”
“We never really discussed kids, when we were together.”
“Would you?” Ryeowook whispered. “Would you want kids for us?”
Ryeowook knew Kyuhyun used to dislike children before his nephews were born. Well, dislike is a strong word. Indifferent fits better. Everything changed when the twins were born. Their dates every weekend now had a new agenda—babysitting the twins. Ryeowook did not mind it one bit though, he had always loved children. He would love for them to adopt, further along the marriage. But well, it was cut short.
“I think children are great. But every decision is up to you, I think.” Kyuhyun smiled and wiggled his eyebrows.
Ryeowook could not help but kiss the taller on the lips. Why did Kyuhyun have to have such kissable lips? It was not fair. God knew how many times he had dreamed of those lips—in the interval between his trips to Seoul and their hookups. Ryeowook let out a laugh, too drunk to compose a proper reply. “I love you.”
Kyuhyun craned his neck to bring their mouths together, letting out a small contented sigh as Ryeowook leaned down to meet him. His hands ran through Ryeowook’s hair. Ryeowook was not sure if he heard it right, but in a faraway voice, he heard Kyuhyun’s whispering “I love you, too.”
Three hours later, they woke up painfully sober.
Ryeowook broke the silence. “When you said—”
“Yeah.”
“You mean it?”
“I always do.” Kyuhyun said, looking him in the eyes. He did not look unnerved—instead, he looked like a brick. Unmoving. Sure.
Ryeowook felt the heat reaching his cheeks. “Me too.”
“You ran away! I was trying to get the company in its feet, not leaving you! You ran away!”
“That isn’t even a little bit fair. I got laid off from my first job and I do not have a trust fund like you do to fall on, and then the fight happened and a job offer came so I took my chance!”
“Why didn’t you at least consult me instead of fucking off to another country?”
“Because I thought you weren’t interested in our marriage anymore! You got that project with that girl and you spent nights at the office, you hardly ever come home.”
“That girl? You mean Soyeon?”
“I don’t know. Whatever.”
“Is this what it is? You were jealous?”
“..No. I don’t know.”
“I don’t know what had gotten into your head but there never was anything between me and her. I loved you, I love you. Maybe I was too occupied in my work, but—”
“I got transferred to the Seoul branch, next month.”
“I—.. what?”
“I am going to work in Seoul, starting next month.”
“What does—what does that have to do with anything?”
“—Maybe this conversation would be easier if we have some dinner first!”
“Yeah, maybe!”
Kyuhyun put the leftover pizza on the microwave. For a while, the only sound in the whole apartment was the whirring of the microwave and the drizzle outside. The near-silence was fraught with sexual, romantic, and angst-driven tension all at once.
“I noticed something, while scrolling through your phone gallery.” Ryeowook said, eyes till focused on the drizzle outside the apartment window.
“Yeah?”
“Why don’t you go on vacations anymore? The company is already okay now, right?” Ryeowook asked, fiddling with the hem of the shirt Kyuhyun lent him. It was too big it swallowed his body. “You always love travelling.”
“I don’t know where to go, I guess. Couldn’t really bring myself to properly take care of the tickets and the reservations,” Kyuhyun opened the microwave and put the pizza on the plate. “It is usually your job, back then.”
Ryeowook took a bite of the pizza and looked at Kyuhyun who was seated in front of him. He felt sad, confused, anger even. He didn’t know who it was directed to. Maybe it was to Kyuhyun, maybe it was to himself. Maybe it was just to the circumstances that brought their fate here. “That’s why I worry about you. You’re not doing you things. You stopped cooking and rarely go on vacations. You’re not doing anything that makes you happy.”
“I’m okay, Ryeowook.” Kyuhyun took his right hand and kissed it, rubbing his thumb on the back of Ryeowook’s hand. A gesture of comfort.
I want you to be more than okay, Ryeowook thought but kept it to himself.
The next morning, Ryeowook got up early and called Kyuhyun’s secretary to bring some groceries. She sounded surprised, but delighted as well. He had always liked her. Before becoming Kyuhyun’s secretary, she was his father’s. When Kyuhyun was occasionally called to his father’s office and he had to wait outside, she was his gossip-buddy. They would talk about anything from the latest celeb mishaps to some juicy gossips of the office.
So that’s why Kyuhyun always looks the happiest on Monday every three weeks, Ryeowook recalled her words. So you guys hook up, huh?
Ryeowook cooked a full meal. It did not matter that it was for breakfast, he was sure Kyuhyun would eat it up. That man always appreciated a good food no matter what. He remembered how they would eat ice cream in the middle of winter because Kyuhyun thought Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie was the best ice cream flavor in existence, freezing their tounges in the process. He was in the middle of cooking the salmon when Kyuhyun woke up.
“What are you doing?”
“Confessing my love to you,” Ryeowook replied. “The salmon is not cooked yet, though, so this is embarrassing.”
“Oh?”
“Well,” Ryeowook turned to his ex-husband—no, the love of his life. “I thought about some things last night. I am moving back to Seoul next month so I think maybe we should—we should try things again.”
“Yeah?” Kyuhyun whispered. He walked slowly to Ryeowook.
“Maybe we got the timing wrong last time. Because I miss you. I can’t keep doing this, spending every moment apart from you doing nothing but counting down the moments until I can see you again.” Ryeowook put down his spatula and looked up at Kyuhyun in the eyes. Ryeowook could see a little bit of surprise, amusement, and awe mixed-in. “Anyways, I love you. And I want you to be happy again. I want to cook with you, bantering about which dish we have to cook. I want to fight with you about our itineraries for the vacation. I want to—”
Kyuhyun kissed him. Ryeowook wrapped his arms around Kyuhyun’s neck and Kyuhyun wrapped his arms around Ryeowook’s waist and it felt—it felt like perfect. It felt like coming home.
“I have never stopped loving you,” Kyuhyun finally said when they broke apart. “I don’t think I will ever stop loving you.”
Ryeowook melted into Kyuhyun’s arms.
Kyuhyun chuckled. “Well, your salmon is kind of ruined, now.”
Fuck.
In the end, the Gods did grant his wish. All those visits to the shrines and churches were fruitful, after all. He stopped sleeping with his ex-husband—instead, he was now sleeping with the love of his life.