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Hendrik was never one to hide things, he was upfront and honest to a fault about everything—even if he didn’t know how to keep that mouth shut. And yet when Hendrik would toss and turn in his sleep, muttering names Jasper couldn’t recognize and wake up with tearstained eyes; Jasper knew he was hiding something. That’s why he took Hendrik out shopping with him, even if it was to get some pastries. Jasper knew it was the only time with Hendrik’s increasingly busier schedule that they could talk in peace.
“I do not understand why you took me to go pastry shopping with you Jasper. You told me this would be important so I came but—” Hendrik started, sounding exasperated and sitting across from Jasper outside the bakery. It was a bright and sunny day, the streets of Heliodor filled with people chattering away and music played from the local street musicians.
“Is your schedule so busy that you can’t even talk to your closest friend Hendrik?” Jasper asked rhetorically, picking at his fruit tart and pretending to not see Hendrik’s guilt-ridden face.
“I-I did not mean it like that. I am sorry.” Hendrik stared down at his dessert which was a lovely strawberry cake.
“It’s fine Hendrik. Besides…I heard from the maids in the kitchen you haven’t been sleeping well.” Jasper’s steely eyes finally looked up to Hendrik’s shocked face.
“H-How could they know that? I fall asleep later and wake up earlier than anyone—”
“It’s a joke Hendrik. We sleep together in the same bed, remember?”
“Ah. Right.”
Jasper picked one of the decorative blueberries and bit into it, reveling it before focusing back on Hendrik.
“Honestly Hendrik, what could be causing you such grief that you toss and turn and shout things into the night recently? Don’t tell me you saw a dracky while fighting some monstrous being—”
“I visited Zwaardrust while I was in Octagonia for a mission.”
Jasper blinked in surprise, now that’s something he wasn’t expecting. The only time Hendrik spoke of Zwaardrust was back when they were kids, when Hendrik told Jasper of the tragedy that befell there. And suddenly he visited there by himself? Somehow the blueberry juice in his mouth turned sour at that.
“You visited Zwaardrust? By yourself?”
“Yes, I was coming back from Octagonia; exploring around the Dundrasil region and admiring the scenery and then,” Hendrik poked at his shortcake. “There I was in the plains, overlooking the ruins.”
Jasper’s eyebrows furrowed at that. That would do it; even people off-hand mentioning the destroyed kingdom is enough for Hendrik to lose a night of sleep. When they were younger, he would scream and cry bloody murder enough for Jasper to have and jostle him out of bed and it would take even longer for Hendrik to sleep again. Jasper wasn’t an idiot, he poked fun at Hendrik’s expense almost daily, but he knew talk of Zwaardrust was forbidden around Hendrik, just like Jasper’s family life. It was kept locked in a box far away from prying eyes to talk about this, but it was obvious the situation with Hendrik’s loss of sleep wouldn’t help either. Jasper was going to have to pry.
“How…how was it? Visiting?” Jasper cut a bit of his tart with his fork and eating it, watching Hendrik’s movements for any indication of tension.
Hendrik thought for a moment as he cut into his slice of cake, taking a bite. “I…. don’t know.”
“You don’t know? As in you don’t know how you felt or?”
“No, no! I knew what I was feeling, no denying that but I don’t know how to completely put it in words.” Hendrik placed the fork down, staring at his cake with a faraway look in his eyes. It sent a chill down Jasper’s spine.
“It felt like…there was nothing there. Time has eroded the city into nothing but broken walls and an abundance of wheat. Yet I remember the homes, the well-worn paths, the castle and the flowers. I walked to the place where the old church stood and no matter how much I looked; nothing was left.”
Jasper frowned but let Hendrik continue on.
“It…It felt like I was home and yet it also felt like I was somewhere completely foreign. Nothing remained of the life that lived there, the culture, the music, the food, the people; all of it felt foreign to me. The silence was the most damning part. I thought, a foolish thought I know, if I visited, I would still hear the sound of fire burning the buildings or people screaming, or even the sound of music that played during festivals or during a burial ceremony. Yet when I walked through those plans, retracing my steps, the only thing that graced my ears was the sound of the wind.”
Jasper felt his heart clench, he knew what it was like to lose family, to lose a home even, but Jasper could never imagine what it was like if Heliodor was destroyed and gone. Yet Jasper’s worst nightmare was Hendrik’s reality, a reality that scarred Hendrik to his very core and haunted him every second since. Jasper glanced at Hendrik’s face, blank despite the overwhelming amount of pain in his voice—is that what it looked like to lose everything at such a young age?
“I…I’m sorry Hendrik.” It came out before Jasper could reel it back in and he reached over, holding Hendrik’s hand tight. Hendrik blinked and snapped out of it, before smiling sadly.
“It’s alright, thank you for the concern. It means a lot to me.” Hendrik glanced down at Jasper, rubbing his thumb on top of Jasper’s hand, and yet something in those eyes told Jasper he was still hiding something.
“Hendrik…” Jasper had to figure out how to phrase this carefully. “When you go to sleep, what do you dream about? It’s fine if you don’t tell me but it’s obvious what you see when you sleep is stopping you from sleeping.” Jasper stared at Hendrik, maintaining eye contact.
At first Hendrik didn’t react before his eyes lowered and glanced towards the flowerbed outside the bakery’s windows, filled with peonies. His other hand clenched and then unclenched, a habit he did when he was nervous or caught in a lie. Hendrik closed his eyes and then sighed.
“I dreamt of many things since then. Some where I am back to the night where it happened and I am fully grown, I reach out to help but nothing I do can save my people, others where I am a child again and I wander around the empty city like it was frozen in time…”
“I…” Jasper felt the words choke in his throat, what do you say to that? What can you say?
“I think though, the worst dreams are those where the attack never happened. I live my life there; I talk to my sisters in my mother tongue that is dying with its people and I help them cook a dish only native Zwaardrustians know. I help my mother walk to the market, and she lets me dance to the lovely street musician while she barters with a merchant. We go home, where I see my father who spent a day patrolling the outside area. We all sit together, eating and talking about the day we had. Some of them I’m older and I’m a Knight of Drustan like my father, he has never been prouder and my sisters poke fun at the outfit but deep down their proud too. Your there too, but you’re a general of Heliodor and I introduce you to my family and we all sit down to eat, chattering about small things.”
“I…I hate those dreams, not what of happens in them but because then I wake up here, in Heliodor and I have this overwhelming sense of loneliness and pain overtake me. Those ones I hardly wake up without tears in my eyes.” Hendrik talks in that faraway tone again but Jasper realizes he doesn’t notice the tears falling down his face as if Hendrik is somewhere else completely. Jasper stares at Hendrik, this side of Hendrik he has never seen and a part of him feels honored to see such an intimate side of him.
Jasper sighed before pulling out a handkerchief from his pocket and handing it out to Hendrik. “Here. For your face.”
Hendrik doesn’t respond back verbally but he does take the handkerchief, using it to wipe his tears. The shine in his eyes might be long gone but they don’t look so lifeless as they were before
“T…Thank you for hearing me out Jasper, I must have sounded like a fool and then crying about it.”
“Don’t apologize Hendrik. I…may not know what to say and even if I do, it may not come out correctly so at the very least you deserve to have someone hear you out.” Jasper pouted, looking away. Hendrik chuckled at that.
“Now hurry up and eat your cake, that cost me a lot of money to buy and I will Not have you waste such a delicious slice!” Jasper pointed at Hendrik accusingly, Hendrik holding his hands up in defeat but smiling all the same. This is what usually happened when one opened up about something that caused them such deep pain, they would hear the other out and then fall back into normalcy as if this never happened. Even if the whole world was falling down beneath their feet, at the very least they can find solace and put trust in each other and for that, Jasper was eternally grateful to Hendrik.