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As soon as Harry handed in his letter of resignation from his management role he was sure he had fucked up. He had already signed his part time contract, it was all organised. Set in stone. He would return Thursday morning as a waiter. But he had so many doubts. Was this really what he wanted to do?
What if he couldn't cope with study? It had been so long since he'd finished school. He wasn't entirely sure that this was really what he wanted. He thought he had.
But he had so many fears. Everything seemed so uncertain for the first time in his life.
...
Harry walked inside, kicking his shoes off. It wasn't like he and Severus hadn't discussed his plans to study. Severus had encouraged it, which had helped solidify Harry's plans, but now that he had this doubt planting itself in his brain, he needed Severus to help him. He walked into the living room, surprised to see Severus there thumbing through a book, something that was usually enjoyed in the library. He sat on the lounge, practically crawling onto Severus' lap, resting his head on Severus' chest.
Severus planted a kiss on the top of Harry's head. "Wha-?"
"I don't know if I should have done this," he admitted, cutting Severus off.
"Done-? Ah, stepped down." Severus set the book on the side table and held Harry closer to him. "Why not?" he asked.
Harry sighed. "Money, a change in what was a comfortable routine, study? Study?" he repeated. "What was I thinking?"
Severus rubbed his back, "I'll support you. I can help-"
"You always have."
"That's what is supposed to happen when you love someone. You support them and help them. And when they want to change or better themselves, then you-"
"I hope you don't feel let down by me then," Harry sighed, feeling tears fill his eyes.
Severus thumbed away the escaping tears. "Why would I feel let down by you? You have supported me more than I think you'll ever realise. You've helped me grow, and change too, you know. I was always so afraid to meet someone and fall in love. I thought that I was unlovable. I honestly believed that I was..." he inhaled sharply, Harry looking up at him. Severus was rarely so open, so raw, with him. "I thought that I was repulsive. I did, Harry. But you didn't see that when you saw me. I could tell. You have always been there for me, and you've supported me with my own research and helped me, don't forget that."
"I never... I didn't realise... Sev, that breaks my heart."
"I thought I could never tell you how I used to feel. I thought you would think that I was some undatable freak. People always avoided looking at me, and never made conversation with me. But you did. The way you looked at me the first time we met eyes in the coffee shop you worked in... I hadn't ever felt anything quite like that. When it happened the first time, that first day, I truly thought you had just been so well conditioned to your job that you could look at me, and talk to me like I was anyone else. But you were different. You made me feel like I was human. Like I was worth something. Just remember that, even though you may think I have changed your life, you have changed mine for the better."
Harry could hardly believe what he was hearing. "Sev... I had no idea. You never wanted to tell me?"
"I don't like being this open. It does make me feel vulnerable."
"I know." He rested his hand on Severus' cheek. He was truly speechless. "You're the most beautiful person I know. Not just appearance wise, but personality wise too. I've never met anyone quite like you. I feel like that was really shallow. I'm sorry," he said softly.
"No need to be sorry."
Harry rubbed his nose against Severus' nose. "I have never been as happy as I am when I'm with you," he said, pressing his lips to Severus'. "Thank you for being honest with me. I feel like I will never stop learning about you. I love you."
"I love you too."
...
Harry sat down in his own office, looking through text books, his uncertainty creeping back into his mind. Severus was just down the hallway in his own office, available to help Harry with all his problems. But Harry didn't want to weigh Severus down with his problems/issues. He wanted to be able to manage alone, be organised. Be exceptional. Finish his degree.
But now he wasn't sure if he even wanted to start it. He started to panic, knowing that he should have stayed in his previous role. "I don't know if I want to study," he sighed, setting his books down, his heart racing. He felt like this was a step back. He felt like he had something he wanted to do, something more, but this wasn't the way there, not that he had a tangible end goal. What was he going to do? He'd had a full time career. He'd had a stable job that he could have stayed in forever. Now he felt that he was back where he started.
"Then don't."
He looked over his shoulder at Severus. "Oh..."
"You can just work when you want. If you want to stay at the hotel part time, you can do that. If you crave something else to do on your days off, and you don't want to help in the garden," he said, causing Harry to laugh as he'd never spent any time working in the garden, "you can help me with my research. You can do whatever you want, my love."
Harry didn't know if he felt reassured or not. He just felt confused and disappointed in himself. Sure studying would be good for him, and he was sure that it would progress his career further if he stuck it out, but it already felt overwhelming. He didn't want to stress for the next four years.
"Just go for the first semester and see what you think," Severus suggested, stepping over to him and rubbing his shoulders, his firm hands working through the tension. "You don't have to feel obliged to go at all. You can just drop out now."
Harry sighed. "I feel like I'm wasting money if I start but don't finish it."
"You'll still be learning. It isn't a waste at all."
Harry shook his head. "I'm an idiot."
"No, you're not," Severus insisted, kissing the top of his head.
Harry looked up at Severus. He often wondered how Severus was so patient with him. He touched Severus' face. He was perfect. Harry still believed that Severus was the most beautiful person he had ever laid eyes on. "I love you so much. I just hope you never forget that."
Severus kissed him. "I know. I love you too." He leaned against Harry's desk. How about I sit in here with you for a while? Would that make it easier?"
"No, you'd distract me," he smirked.
Severus smiled. "Yes, I suppose that would be rather disruptive."
"I'll finish this semester... but I don't think it's what I want to do."
"And that's okay too."