Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Nagisa kept it all inside, the abuse from his mom, the bullying from A class and his hardship on a daily basis. He even hid his wounds and scars, fearing that he'll be left alone by his friends and classmates. He hated being alone. When he's alone the voices get louder and louder to the point that he can't sleep at night. He hated it, sometimes he wish that he's dead so that he won't have to hear his mom's constant verbal abuse.

He was used to the physical abuse by his mom, he knew how to hide it well. A little make up here and there to hide the bruise and he can go on his normal life. Faking his smiles, faking his laugh, faking everything. He got so good at faking his smiles that he can no longer tell if it's real or not. Which worries him most of the time, but he realized that no one notices so he continued doing it. At least he smiles, he once thought.

Nagisa left his apartment in a hurry to avoid confrontation with his mom regarding her weird obsession of dressing him up as a girl. Once outside the door, he could hear his mom's yelling when she noticed her son (daughter to her) left already. He decided to leave the premises of the apartment complex quickly before his mom finds him and drags him inside to wear a girl's uniform.

Most of the people in their apartment complex where used to seeing the mother and son quarrelling. They used to care and give attention to them regarding the way Hiromi treated her son, but Hiromi was a person that fears nothing if she thinks it's for her son's benefit. She told them it's how she disciplines her son, even threatening them if they tried meddling with her business to her son. The people then ignored them when they hear shouting and crying, they ignored Nagisa whenever he walks by, fearing that his devil mother will hurt them.

It's fine for him, he'd rather be the one getting hurt than the innocent people around him, it was his fault anyway he thought, as he walked down the road towards his school. He saw a mother and son walking towards him, they looked so happy. He watched and listened as the mother praised his son despite having low grades saying to do well next time. They passed by him and can't help but be jealous to the parents that love their kids, accepting them for what they are, and to the family that were complete.

He continued walking towards his school, when he reached the foot of the mountain he lifted his head and forced a fake smile to appear. While climbing the said mountain, he was met by Kayano.

"Good morning, Nagisa-kun," Kayano greeted warmly and smiled.

"Good morning, Kayano-chan," he said, smiling wide. "How was your weekend?" He asked as they reached the top of the mountain.

"It was great, I tried making pudding. I'll give you one tomorrow," she winked. “What about yours Nagisa-kun?”

"Gee, thanks Kayano-chan. Mine’s great too." he lied, as they entered their classroom who have a few students already, of course he wont be saying that his mom beat him up again.

The class started filing up, after 30 minutes their homeroom started courtesy of Korosensei, they started their roll call with assassination.  They started their class with mathematics, it was known that it was the weakest subject for Nagisa. As Korosensei was teaching his students about intercepts. Truth be told Nagisa wasn’t listening to their lessons, too absorbed with his musings regarding his mom’s cruel words last night.

After their mid terms, Hiromi began pressuring Nagisa about his studies. Whenever Nagisa failed a quiz or a test, Hiromi would immediately scold and beat him for it. He knew that his mom was strict about him especially on his studies and he knew the reason why. His mom grew up to a strict household, and she wasn’t able to go to the university she likes, that’s why she pressures her son to do it in her stead. Even if it’s not about his studies his mom was strict in general, mostly the time he comes home from school or anywhere.

He arrived late last night since he met up with his father, and stayed at his house for a few hours. When he entered the house, his mom was standing in front of him full of rage.

“M-mom, s-sorry-” he was cut off  by a harsh slap. His face stung and he could taste blood, probably the inside of his cheek bled lightly after the slap. Surprised was an understatement to what he felt, he was not expecting it since it was only 7 PM when he checked the time on his phone. To him it wasn’t even that late, but maybe to his mom it was.

“Sorry?! That’s all you’re going to say to me? Do you know what time it is? It’s dangerous for a girl like you to be out!”  Hiromi screeched and advanced towards Nagisa.

Nagisa protected his head, arms out as Hiromi hit and scratched it with her sharp nails, “I’m sorry mom, I didn’t notice the time.” he cried.

Hiromi continued hitting him and began pulling his pigtails when she can’t slap his face; his pigtails fell from its ties.

“I gave you life, and this is how you repay your mother? How dare you defy me you stupid, stupid worthless child?!” She bellowed and pulled his long hair hard making Nagisa fall to the ground.

Nagisa cried hard and bowed his head to his mother’s feet, “I-I am really sorry m-mom, I-I won’t ever be…be late c-coming h-home again” he stammered out as he cried h iding  his wounded arms.

When Hiromi had enough of hitting (disciplining) her child she took in a deep breath and fixed her looks and clothes and walked away, she looked back at him and sneered. “Fix yourself Nagisa, this is not how I raised you.” she continued walking and added, “also, make your own dinner. I threw away, yours since you went home late.” She went to her own room, leaving her wounded son at the door step.

That night he ate bread and drank water that he got from the fridge, and tended his wounds. The bread was not enough to satiate his hunger, after he took a bath making sure to be gentle on his wounds he slept with a hungry stomach.

He was not aware that Korosensei was calling for his attention, the whole class was looking at him which was why Kayno nudged him. He jolted and looked at her questioningly. Kayano motioned him to look in front, which he did and saw Korosensei looking at him, he felt the whole class’ stare at him.

“Nagisa-kun, I’ve been calling for your attention for the past 10 minutes,” Korosense said, “is there a problem? You seemed distracted,” he added.

He gulped, “I-I’m sorry Korosensei, just…it’s nothing. I’m sorry for disrupting the class,” he bowed his head lightly.

“No need to bow your head, Nagisa-kun, just please pay attention to the lessons,” Kororsensei said as he looked at the whole class. Korosensei knew that there was something wrong with Nagisa, he noticed how distant he became these days and pays little to no attention to his class. He looked at him again and took note how one of the best assassin looked down at his textbook staring beyond it.

He saw that the class also looked at Nagisa with concern, he’ll have to talk to him about his problem,s and asked the class representatives to look after him and report to him their findings.

It was their lunch break, and Korosensei talked to Isogai and Kataoka, to report to him if they found out anything that bothers Nagisa. The two agreed and decided that they will tell the class too, to keep an eye out for their little bluenette. After their little talk the two decided to return to the class, and eat their lunch with their friends while Korosensei went to Hawaii with his Mach 20.

Karma went to Nagisa’s table and two with Kayano and Sugino, went outside to eat their lunch, under one of the trees.

“Ne, Nagisa-kun, are you alright?” Karma asked when he and the rest sat down. He took out his strawberry milk and his sandwich.

Nagisa was startled with the question, “Y-yeah, I’m alright why do you ask Karma-kun?” he looked at the redhead. Sugino and Kayano opened their own bento while watching the two and began eating.

Karma can tell that the bluenette was lying to him but let it slide for now, “You just seem distracted most of the time,”

Sugino agreed, “yeah, you seem to be problematic, everything all right at home?”

Nagisa widened his eyes at the sudden question, “Yes, it’s all good,” he looked at his friends who was staring at him; he looked down at his food and began to lost appetite. Was he too obvious? He thought, his friends however don’t seemed convinced at all.

“Well, if you need anyone to talk to we’ll always be available, right?” Kayano said and looked at the two guys. Sugino nodded while Karma smirked, the four of them continued with their lunch.

The rest of the class aside from the four watched the bluenette, Kataoka and Isogai were able to discuss to the class what Korosensei said, and they all decided to look after their classmate secretly and to tell Korosensei any findings.

The class were having P.E., Nagisa wore his blue jacket instead of the short sleeved to cover the wounds on his arms even though the weather was hot. When he reached the class everyone was scattered, they noticed that he was wearing their jacket despite the weather.

“Won’t you feel hot in that?” Isogai asked.

“U-uh, no. It’s fine,” he smiled and looked away, when Karasuma-sensei appeared.

After their P.E. class was done they all went to the showers to get freshen up, Nagisa waited for all of his classmates to finish before he went in. He slowly and gently removed the bandages from his wounds, and washed himself, being extra careful to his fresh wounds. After 30 minutes he dried himself and wrapped another set of bandages to his wounds, he put on his uniform and head back to class.

Thankfully the class ended well with no mishap, he was putting his things in his bag when Sugino called him.

He looked at his friend questioningly, "would you like to come with us, play baseball?"

Nagisa hesitated before answering, "I can't, I'm sorry. Maybe some other time?"

"Sure, no problem. Take care on your way home," Sugino waved and went out with Maehara and Isogai.

Nagisa went out of the classroom, and watched as some of his classmates were practicing baseball. He checked the time on his phone, and decided to head home early before his mom get angry again. He didn't notice the worried stares, his classmate gave him as he walked away. He saw Karma standing by the tree, seemingly waiting for him.

"Kar-"

"Nagisa-kun, let's walk together," he said and waited for the bluenette to reach him.

The two of them walked side by side down the mountain, enjoying each other's presence. They talked minimally while riding the train. Karma decided not to talk about Nagisa's concern, which Nagisa was thankful for. Karma vowed however that he will get to the bottom of his friend's problem. As they reached the intersection they parted ways since they lived on different street, saying see you tomorrow on each other.

When Nagisa went inside the apartment complex, he prayed that his mom was on her best; he doesn't want to get beaten up again after last night. He entered his home (if he can call it that) and maybe the gods answered his prayers since his mom was smiling at him.

He swallowed, "I'm home, mom," sometimes he's tired of walking on eggshells around his mom. He can no longer tell if what he'll do will upset her to the point of being in rage or make her happy to the point of mania. Honestly, he's damn too scared of his mom, and he can't do anything than bear with it. Sometimes he wished that it'll all end soon, that when his mom beat him up again he'd die already, he don't want to live in this world of pain and suffering.

"Nagisa, darling, it's good that you're early. Come eat dinner before it gets cold, I bought another dress for you, my daughter. Wear it and show it to me later, or else you'll know what will happen to disobedient kids," she smiled creepily.

Seeing no escape, Nagisa has no choice but to comply, he sniffed, "yes mom,"

Chapter Text

When Nagisa woke up he, first squinted to look around the room he’s in, thankfully it’s his room there were times wherein he’d wake up at their guestroom with the door locked outside. Moments like these, were considered blessings for him even though little. He made his mom happy by wearing that frilly pink dress, which was why he was not aching anywhere. He looked at the time and decided to get ready for school.

After putting bandages on his almost healing wounds a little concealer to hide the still healing bruises, he put on his uniform and went to the dining area where his saw the prepared breakfast for him and his mom. He looked around and saw his mom making coffee in the kitchen she went to the dining table and smiled at her son.

“Good morning, Nagisa,” she said as she sat on the chair and looked at her son, seemingly waiting for something.

He looked at his mom, “Good morning mom, thank you for the food,” and waited for his mom’s reaction. His mom was pleased and started to eat, he also started eating his food. After finishing his food and brushing his teeth he went out of their apartment complex, without forgetting to say goodbye to his mom.

Nagisa reached the school's premises, and he hoped the day would be better. But not long after, he saw Tanaka and Takada maybe the gods weren't on his side today. He tried avoiding the duo, but he was seen. He was used to this two's bullying and name calling, it was nothing compared to his mom's. He'd always endured it anyway, but it still hurts him and pained him in many ways.

Nagisa was looking down on the ground when he passed by them.

"Hey, look it's Nagisa," Tanaka snickered.

"Well, if it isn't the notorious Class E's Nagisa." Takada said. "What brings you here weakling?"

"Isn't finals around the corner? I'm sure you will fail again. No, not just you but your whole class," Tanaka added and laughed.

Nagisa clenched his fist hard, leaving crescent moon shapes on his palm. What they didn't expect was for the Virtuosos except Asano Gakushu to come to them. The duo walked away to give room for the four people.

"My, my, my, two Class D students hanging around a Class E? That's quite funny," Teppei said amusedly.

"We're not hanging around with him actually," Tanaka defend themselves, while the rest of the Virtuosos chuckled at the two.

"Really, now? Well fine, I don't associate with Class D's anyway, they're eyesores," Koyoma smirked and crossed his arms to his chest.

The duo looked down in shame after hearing that, they were contemplating if they will leave the four or stay until the end they chose the latter though.

"And you? Class E's Shiota Nagisa right? Shouldn't you be ashamed by coming to school every day? I mean, you Class E students enter Kunugigaoka's premises just to go to your classroom on the mountain-" Sakakibara was cut off by Seo.

"Such a shame, right Sakakibara?" Seo said leaning on Sakakibara's shoulder.

"Right," Sakakibara leaned in to Nagisa's space. "You know, looking at you, you could pass as a girl. If you're not a guy I would have liked you. Sadly that you're born that way, such a shame," Sakakibara exclaimed as he and the rest of the Virtuosos left to go inside the campus. Nagisa gritted his teeth after being called a girl.

Tanaka and Takada were somehow glad to see the Virtuoso left, as they continued their insult on Nagisa's fragile mind.There were students seeing the two tall ones ganged up on the small one, however no one bothered to help the small one since he's from Class 3-E. They wouldn't want to be associated with the lowest of the low, such a disgrace to be in Kunugigaoka premises when they all have low grades to begin with.

The two left him after Karma threatened to kill the two, Nagisa's tears threatened to fall after being insulted, he thought he was used to this, but damn he's not. It added to his long list of insult, mockery, vilification that made his low self-esteem to stumble and break into thousands of pieces.

"Nagisa-kun, don't let those assholes get into you. I know you're strong, just bear with us for a little while. We will fight them, all of them, the main campus and...your demons." Karma said as they walked towards the foot of the hill.

Nagisa wiped his unshed tears and smiled at Karma, "thank you Karma-kun," but you know Karma-kun, they are right all along. He thought as they reached their classroom.

After their first period with Korosensei, they were having a quiz in foreign language with Bitch-sensei. He studied this last week, why can't he remember any of it? He wracked his brains to remember all the lessons in French. He's been staring at his paper for 10 minutes now, and all he hears were the scribbles of pencils and some erasers. Unconsciously he started biting fingernails, shit why can't I remember any of this? He thought. He can feel his sweat slid on the side of his face.

Unbeknownst to him, Irina was observing him with concern, she can tell that Nagisa was nervous, he hadn't finished part 2 of the quiz. She will have to tell Korosensei and Karasuma about this. After 40 minutes, the quiz was up, the whole class sighed that it was done. Nagisa slumped down on his desk, he failed. He knew he failed the quiz, just like how he failed his mom to be proud of him.

"Nagisa-kun, were you able to answer all of the questions? I have a feeling I failed the quiz," Kayano said.

Nagisa looked up and fake a smile, "I'm not sure if I answered them correctly Kayano-chan,"

Kayano smiled kindly at him, “that’s ok Nagisa, we can do better next time.”

Nagisa was grateful towards Kayano, however deep down he can hear the voices in his head morphing into the voices of Virtuosos mocking him. He was getting tired of this honestly, they said don’t battle your inner demons befriend with them. But how can he befriend them if they keep drowning him?  

After their foreign language was chemistry, Nagisa tried to concentrate on the subject itself. It may not be his forte, but he's doing his best. They were grouped into 4 for their science project, Nagisa, Kayano, Nakamura and Sugino. They were discussing about making their own soaps since it will be different from the others. Kayano suggested puddings however, Nakamura said that making pudding was a piece of cake and that Kayano can make it even outside their chemistry project. That made Kayano cry since she loves pudding, making Nagisa and Sugino chuckled at the two girls.

It was decided that they will buy the needed materials for their project after the day was over. Nagisa declined however, making Nakamura question it.

“I’m sorry Nakamura-san, but I just can’t. I will help you guys making it though,” Nagisa pleaded, remembering what happened last Sunday when he went home ‘late’. He doesn’t want another beating from his mother since his wounds and bruises were still on the process of healing.

Nakamura sighed and just let it slide, remembering the talk of Isogai and Kataoka the other day, making Nagisa sighed inwardly.

They were having P.E. right now Nagisa contemplated if he will be wearing his jacket like he did yesterday or not. He can ask Karasuma-sensei for him to be excused or he can skip it entirely. In the end, he decided to stay for it will be too obvious if he skipped class, he wasn’t Karma in the first place. He wore his jacket again thankfully it was a windy day; Karasuma-sensei will be teaching them another assassination technique.

The class watched in awe as Karasuma-sensei evaded the attacks from Maehara and Isogai. They were told to group into 2 to do a one-on-one fight. Nagisa was partnered with Sugino, this was supposed to be another typical lesson on their P.E. since Nagisa and the rest of the class does this all the time. However when Sugino accidentally hit his arm, he let out loud yelp holding his left arm securely on his chest. Sugino was taken aback, worried if he hit his friend too hard. The class looked what was happening between the two as Nagisa eyes teared up with the sudden impact, he was crouching on the ground, Sugino was also crouching in front of him holding him on his shoulders, trying to comfort and apologize for the accident.

Karasuma-sensei ran towards the two, crouching at the two, while Korosensei slithered towards them, checking for any injury from his students.

“What happened?” Karasuma-sensei asked the two. Sugino looked at his teachers then to Nagisa who winced when he tried to straighten his arm.

“I accidentally hit his left arm, I know I didn’t hit him too hard, but I might be wrong,” Sugino told the teachers.

Karasuma nodded at what was said to them, he looked at Nagisa and outstretched his hand, “may I see?”

Nagisa looked at him and Korosensei, he began to stammer out, “n-no it’s ok. Nothing to worry about Karasuma-sensei,” he smiled.

Karasuma-sensei wasn’t the least convince, he can see that his student was hiding something from him, from them. This kind of assassination practice was no longer new to them for it to hurt too much if hit. Especially Nagisa was used to this, it was his expertise, how come he was hurt by it?

Korosensei leaned towards Nagisa, “Nagisa-kun, there’s nothing wrong in showing us what hurt you. Remember we are your teachers, we care for you students more than this assassination,”

“It’s nothing Korosensei, Karasuma-sensei I was just…” he looked away then glanced at them “surprised by Sugino’s attack,”

“Still you need to go to the clinic, Nagisa-kun,” Sugino said. “I’m really sorry,”

“Really it’s nothing to worry about,” he said and tried standing up to show them that he was fine.

Karasuma-sensei and Korosensei sighed, “ok, you can rest there on the stairs,” Karasuma-sensei said. Once Nagisa was gone, Karasuma-sensei looked at Korosensei. They silently agreed that Nagisa was indeed hiding something from them. Thay really have to find the bottom of it soon or it might be something bad. Korosensei joined Nagisa on the stairs as they watched their class. Sugino was paired to Kimura. Korosensei side glanced at his student who subconsciously gripped his left arm.

The class ended, and as his group agreed, Kayno and Nakamura will buy the other ingredients while Sugino will buy the others. He walked alone since Karma was busy with his own group in their chemistry project.

As he walked alone, he can feel his anxiety rising, their P.E. class was a close call. It won’t be too long before his teachers and classmates knew something was up with him and his home. He really should stop being too obvious, it was his fault he was slow to avoid the attack of Sugino’s rubber knife. He hoped no one noticed how hard he gripped his uniform sleeve. He will have to take care of the bruise later, put some cold compress to heal it completely.

Oh god, what a day, he thought as he walked. He really thought it was going to be a good day. He knew that it was a wishful thinking, since luck was never on his side, the gods weren’t on his favor everyday. He sometimes thinks that they’re playing with him, or maybe it was his demons that were playing with him. Whichever he wanted to exit soon, this is getting tiring for him.  This was the sole reason why he doesn’t want to walk alone, his thoughts were getting loud. He wanted to scream for them to shut up, for them to leave him alone, for them to let him be and give him a break.

As he pass by he can feel everyone staring at him, whispering, laughing, mocking him. He looked down to avoid them and gripped his bag strap tightly and gritted his teeth. It’s all in your head. It’s all in your head. It’s all in your head! He told himself as he speed walked towards his street where the apartment complex stood. He looked back to see that the people he imagined were mocking him were actually watching their kids in the nearby park, what he heard laughing where from the little children playing. He let out a sighed. Shit, what an awful day.

 When he entered his home he noticed that it was eerily quiet. "Mom, I'm home," he called out. He began to feel dread in his stomach, a feeling that he hates. It’s like a gut feeling telling him that something bad is going to happen soon. He hated it but somehow he needed to find out what it was for him to be prepared. What he didn’t expect to see was his report card with the envelope placed on the coffee table. His blood ran cold, and by the looks of it; it was already seen by his mother.

He placed his shoes on the racks and silently walked on the hallway towards his room. Too much for being silent since his mom opened her bedroom door with a scowl on her face. He looked up at her and flinched at that.

“H-hi mo-“ he was cut by a harsh slap. He was so stunned that he subconsciously touched the part where he was slapped seconds ago.

“M-om, I…”

“What? What’s your excuse now Nagisa?” she screeched at him and dragged him towards the living room where his report card was.  He was roughly shoved on one of the couches, wherein his mom sat in front of him, the coffee table in between of them.

He was scared of his mom right now, scared was just an understatement from what he’s feeling. He was petrified. Who knew that only his mother can make his so scared he’s sure he’d piss himself if he’s bladder was full.  He watched his mom reached the envelope where his report card was placed. She opened it and read the contents, he can see her eyes move from one end to another, somehow her eyes will stop at one part then looked at him, then back to the card. He gulped at that.

His mom closed the card and put it back inside the envelope, throwing the card on the table. He flinched at the sudden outburst, was it really that bad? He thought. Hiromi leaned her body, her arms where on her knees and massaged her temples. She was clearly exasperated with the grades written on the card itself.

“Mom-“ Nagisa started but his mom put out a finger to stop him from continuing.

She sighed deeply, “Nagisa my darling, do you love me?”

Nagisa was taken aback with the sudden question, of course he loves his mom, he just don’t like the way his mom treats him like he was some girl.

“Of course mom, I love you,” he said.

“If you love me, then why are you having low grades you stupid child?!” She yelled.

Nagisa was surprised, for a minute she was close to crying and now she was in rage. He leaned on the backrest of the couch cushion.

“I..I…”

“What?! Don’t you know how much I sacrificed for you, you ungrateful child? You know that I want you to be successful. You know that I want you to go to the university that I wasn’t able to go. You know! Yet, this is how you will repay your mother? The woman who gave life to you? Who raised you? I am disappointed in you Nagisa!” She yelled again. “You are such a disappointment, after everything…” she muttered at the end.

Nagisa was crying silently, oh it’s my fault he thought. He hated how he disappointed his mom, but he also hated his mom’s harsh words on him. He honestly wished he was hurt physically than the verbally. His ego that was already thin was cut by the disappointment, by the harsh words, by everything that was happening around him.

“Go to your room, I don’t want to see your face. You are a disgrace to me,” she said and looked away.

Nagisa stood up robotically and went to his room, after he closed the door he leaned on it and slid down. He was no longer crying, the tears stopped flowing when he stood up going to his room. He has nothing to cry about, his eyes were so empty.

 He was done.

Chapter Text

Nagisa was doing things on autopilot. He was never the same ever since last night, he wondered why he kept on waking up every morning when there’s no need for him to be alive. He was so tired of living, he wished he’d die on his sleep maybe then his mother can be truly happy since he was a disappointment.

He didn’t bother waking up early he dressed up and didn’t eat breakfast. What for? He doesn’t even have any appetite. He found out that he was alone inside his home, his mom nowhere to be found.

He arrived at the class late for the first time, looking so worn and tired. The class was astounded with his appearance; his hair was down, he wasn’t smiling like usual his head was down bangs covering his eyes. He didn’t bother greeting his classmates or Korosensei at all.

“Nagisa-kun, good morning,” Korosensei greeted enthusiastically smiling widely like usual.

He was ignored by the student, the whole class watched silently at him as he walked straight to his desk and sat down on his chair.

“Nagisa-kun is everything alright?” Kayano asked, however she was also ignored by him.

"Nagisa-kun?" Kayano repeated, the whole class were watching the two of them, especially Nagisa’s reaction. They were really worried for him, Isogai mentally noted to talk to the class to observe more about Nagisa’s condition. They knew that they were loosing him to whatever problem he has, and they were loosing him fast.

“I’m fine Kayano-chan,” he said and smiled at her but his smile never reached his his empty eyes, which made Kayano to flinch, to her it was so unlike him and it scared her.

They started their class like always but paid much attention to Nagisa who was physically present but mentally not with them. He’s been staring into space with a faraway look on his eyes, Korosensei tried calling for his attention a lot of times but let it slide he will personally talk to his student after class. Bitch-sensei also reported that Nagisa was out of it most of her class, she even told her that she hug her tight on her bosom to make him react to the class’ lessons to no avail. Karasuma-sensei have to let Nagisa stay on the side since he was not focused at their class.

Karma, was observing the bluenette from afar, he clenched his fists as he can see that his little friend was in distress. He wanted to help him, but if Nagisa will not open up he won’t be able to help him. He doesn’t want to be nosy and meddle with a problem that he has no idea. But somehow he knew it was Nagisa’s mother, she was mentioned many times to him by Nagisa during their walks after class. How she treated him like a girl, he was sick of it honestly. Why would a parent dictate the way their child lives? For him, it’s ok that parents guide them as they grow but to dictate and let the child live the way they want it? That’s bullshit. Fucking bullshit.

During lunch time Korosensei told Nagisa to come to the faculty office. Nagisa was alarmed by it, but played nonchalant with it. While he was in the faculty, his other classmates were having a meeting abot Nagisa. They were really concerned for him, and they will do something about it.

“Guys, there really is something wrong with Nagisa,” Sugino said.

“We know, that’s why we’re having this meeting while he’s not here,” Kataoka said.

“Is he being bullied by someone?” Okajima asked.

“We all know that Class A, no, actually the main campus bullies him, just like they bully us,” Takebayashi sighed.

“I have a hunch, and I think it was something personal like his mom,” Kayano stood up from her chair. Everyone looked at her, and only Karma and Sugino understood what she was telling the whole class.

“Kindly elaborate, Kayano-chan,” Isogai smiled kindly at her.

Such an ikemen she thought happily, but decided not to stray at the topic at hand. “I used to see bruises on his arms before, but lately it was gone. I asked him once about them, he smiled and told me that he bumped them on their furniture. But will you bump your furniture everyday to have a large bruise on both of your arms?”

The class hummed and thought about it while she sat on her chair. “So you’re telling us that he was being hit? Like abused?” Nakamura asked and pondered at the sickening idea.

Kayano remained silent at what the class concluded, “but that’s a heavy allegation,” Mimura said. “Without proof we can’t—”

“I know, that’s why it’s just…as I said a hunch,” Kayano said and sighed deeply. The class were silent again, thinking of ways on ow to reach a definite solution to their classmate, their friend.

“We can secretly follow him on his way home or wherever he goes,” Fuwa suggested. Karma smirked and stood up to go to the front of the class.

“Sorry, but have you forgotten that I walk with him after class?” Karma leaned, his arms firmly placed at the teacher’s desk. "I can make sure that no harm will get to him as long as I’m around,” he smiled evilly.

“Hey! I walk with him too!” Sugino protested at his chair.

“Yeah, but you live on a different area,” Karma mumbled.

“So are you!”

Isogai calmed the two from lashing out at each other, “ok Karma, and Sugino you will walk with him—”

“I will walk with him too!” Kayano said staring at Isogai’s eyes.

Isogai smiled, “ok as I said, Karma, Sugino and Kayano will walk with him after class. If you notice anything disturbing, report to us. We will include here Karasuma-sensei since he’s in the ministry, and Bitch-sensei. I’m sure that Korosensei informed the two of them,”

“We need to find evidences if he’s being abused,” Kataoka reminded.

“We need to have an open line connection,” Hara said. “Ritsu,”

“No problem with that, I will notify all of you, including the teachers once a problem arise. Especially if it’s an emergency,” Ritsu chirped at them.

“Remember we shouldn’t be too obvious about our plans around him. He can easily notice them and thwart the plan,” Isogai said.

Karma returned to his seat as the class agreed on their plan. They were going to make  his mom pay for all the shit she did to him. For making him like he was now, an empty shell of his former happy self.

When Nagisa was called at the faculty, he was not expecting that Karasuma-sensei and Bitch-sensei to be there as well. He looked down and sat at the available chair for him. Shit it felt like an interrogation he found it amusing somehow, but it never uplifted his spirits.

“Nagisa-kun,” Korosensei began and paused to see if the student acknowledged it. Seeing none, he continued, “I—we  noticed that you were out of yourself lately, especially today. We wanted you to know that if you have any problem, you can come to us teachers.”

Nagisa remained quiet and looking down at the whole ordeal. Karasuma and Irina looked at each other then to their student.

“We can help you in any way since we’re your teachers,” Korosensei added to the quiet teen. He was getting nervous for being ignored by him. If this was a normal setting, he will be thinking that this was another assassination tactic to make him anxious at the silent treatment.

“So please don’t hesitate to go to us if you have problem at school or home we—”

“Nothing’s wrong Korosensei,” Nagisa said at last, his voice sounded foreign to him after not talking for a long time. “Everything. Is. Fine.” he accentuated each word and looked at him.

Making Korosensei flinched at the empty eyes looking back at him. He can somehow feel the chill run down his back, not sure if he imagined that the atmosphere became cold.

Before he can further say something, Nagisa stood up and reached the door, he looked back at his teachers and smiled at them, “don’t worry about me anymore,” he said and went out of the door.

He went to the bathroom to wash his hands after talking to his teachers. His sleeves were up, while washing he noticed the old scars on his wrists, he used to cut them whenever he get depressed and he wanted out. He stared at them blankly subconsciously tracing the old scars, he might, no, he will be cutting again. He will visit his old friend, his razor blades at home at the safety of his bureau. It’s been a while since he cut and somehow he missed the feeling. He was woken from his reverie when someone walked inside the bathroom. He immediately brought down his sleeves to avoid anyone accidentally seeing it.

“Oh, Nagisa are you ok?” Sugino asked when he went to the sink to wash his hands. Nagisa was somehow startled, he looked at his friend and nod. He closed the tap and dried his hands with a paper towel, not knowing that Sugino saw the scars on his wrists when his sleeves slid down. Sugino froze at the sight but smiled at him when Nagisa turned to him again.

“I’ll be going now,” Nagisa said and left Sugino alone at the bathroom. Sugino gripped the sink hard, it was worst then they thought. If he Nagisa was self-harming before, then it will surely happen again. He hoped not, and that whatever problem Nagisa was facing he’ll be able to overcome it. He and his classmates will help him to the very end. After washing his hands he left to tell Isogai and Kataoka about his discovery. This time he hoped that they will be able to save him.

As the class ended, Nagisa was not expecting that not only Karma wanted to walk with him going home but Sugino and Kayano too. He was quiet while Sugino and Kayano were chatting with each other, he didn’t mind the company he just wished that they were quiet. Before he was terrified of the stillness because of the voices and the anxiety he gets whenever he’s alone. Now however, his mind was so loud that he wanted to be at peace.  He wished for serenity, a place for where he can finally find rest.

Karma was walking quietly beside him, while the two were in front of them. He was worried about Nagisa’s quietness, he was quiet but never this quiet. He hated seeing his friend suffer and lose to his demons. He hated how his strong friend became an emotional mess, a punching bag of his mom and depression’s new toy.

They were quietly walking in Nagisa’s street, the apartment complex was near when they saw Hiromi Shiota coming from the opposite direction. Karma definitely saw Nagisa froze for a second when he saw his mom.

“M-mom,” Nagisa said softly.

Hiromi looked at her child and his classmates. “Nagisa, what did I tell you about hanging out with your…classmates,” she said with disdain.

Karma glared at her, who does she think she is? He thought a sly remark was on the back of his throat.

“T-they’re my friends mom,” Nagisa said, pleading to the gods that his mom will not show her true colors at this moment.

“Your friends? The people who’re dragging you down? You call them friends? Oh my. Nagisa my darling, I’m sure I taught you better at making friends,” she said in a mocking tone.

Sugino and Kayano were speechless at Nagisa’s mom’s attitude. No wonder their friend was acting like this, she’s a sociopath who wanted to control her son’s actions. Nagisa remained quiet and felt tears started to form in his eyes.

“Nagisa, come here,” Hiromi said. When she saw that her son was not moving it irked her at his disobedience. “Nagisa!” she yelled.

Nagisa and his friends flinched at her yell. When he started to move, Karma grabbed his arm, making him stop and looked at him. Karma was only looking at his mother still glaring daggers at her. Nagisa knew the consequences if he did not obey his mom. He knew that she’s quietly counting up to 5 for him to follow her.

“Nagisa, are you really going to disobey me?” She threatened. Nagisa removed Karma’s hand on his arm and walked slowly towards his mother.

“Nagisa-kun,” Kayano said, fear evident in her voice.

Nagisa looked at his classmates and friends, “don’t worry,” he said and was in front of his mother. What his friends were not expecting, was for his mother to grabbed him tightly on his thin arm (that will surely leave a mark tomorrow) and they walked towards the inside of the apartment complex. Karma and Sugino tried to help their classmate but his mother closed that gate for them not to enter the vicinity. They were left outside praying that nothing bad will happen to him, the three decided to inform the class through Ritsu.

They waited for a little while if Nagisa will still come out, but seeing none they decided to leave and just inform each other. Kayano now knows how scary Nagisa’s mom was, Sugino find it hard to believe that a mother will be able to do that to her child and Karma? Karma was sure that woman has one hell to pay for doing that to his friend.

Once Nagisa was inside their home, he was shoved hard which made him fall to the ground. He watched his mom apprehensively, not knowing what’s running on her mind scared him the most.

Her mom sighed out loud, “Seriously my dear, you dare to disobey me in front of your friends?”

“N-no mom,”

“No? Then what did you do a while ago? Was it not called disobedience? What do you want to act tough in front of them? Acting like a boy, to what? To show them that you can handle yourself?” She questioned while looking at her dejected son on the floor.

“I..I…No mom. I wasn’t. I wasn’t trying to disobey you. Believe me mom,”

“Have you forgotten that you are my precious little daughter? My baby girl. My one and only princess. I don’t want you hanging around those kids, they are bad influence for you my child. They will drag you down and ruin the life that I built hard for you.

This is for the best my love. You have to get out of that damning Class E and go back to the main campus. I will surely do everything in my power for that to happen, I want you to be successful my love,” She said while embracing Nagisa’s head, and playing the blue strands.

Nagisa was looking dead in the arms of his mother, he can’t feel anything. He wondered, if he dies will his mom still control where he’ll be buried? What he will wear on his funeral? Who are allowed to attend? Ugh fuck it.

He went to his room to change his clothes when he remembered the razor blades in his bureau. He opened his bureau and remove the scattered things inside, looking for a small box where 5 pieces of blades were secretly stashed. After finding the box he went inside his bathroom, he was somehow thankful that he have his own bathroom inside his room. He no longer have to go out to cut his wrists, he have the privacy and only the four walls of the peach tiled room and cold floor as company.

He put the small box on the sink and took one blade out. Why not make it classic? He thought as he took a shower, the noise of the water was a cool distraction, each drop was numbing his senses. Numbing the harsh words his mother spoke to him, numbing every pain that his body received. For once he welcomed them all, he slid at the bottom of the tub. He smiled while holding the razor, he traced his old scars with his eyes. He’s no longer afraid of pain as he slashed the first cut on his left wrist.

He hissed at the stung of water hitting his fresh wound, it amazed him how the blood turned pink when the water mixed with it, he watched as the blood drop to the bottom of the tub and found it’s way towards the drain. There was his life, all gone. He slashed another one diagonally at the first cut and it bled more. He felt tears run down his face, he saw a gush of blood that went down the drain, there was his happiness all gone. He was getting numb and cold and sleepy. Maybe he’s dying now. He wanted to and he welcomed it. Oh how he wanted to leave this godforsaken place.

He wondered if heaven will welcome him with open arms. Or will heaven throw him to hell for being a disappointment to his mom? He felt sorry for not saying goodbye to his friends to his teachers. He wanted to say sorry to his mom, why he doesn’t know. Maybe for not being enough, for not being the gender his mom wanted him to be. If only he was born a girl, then maybe all of this will not happen.

He wanted to say sorry to Karma for leaving him without any explanation, for not waiting for him when he said that he will fight his demons. He wanted to say sorry for not being the best best friend to him. That he will die in this lonely tub, with the water running without his mom knowing that her daughter killed herself. Ah, mom will be irked with the water bill. Shit, I’m sorry again mom. I really am not the best child you wanted me to be.

He can feel his eyes droop, his hand dropped the razor at the bottom of the tub. He was so, so cold. Yeah he was indeed dying. What a relief.

Chapter Text

When Nagisa woke up everything he saw was white. There were mists everywhere but it was serene, he felt at peace. He stood up from where he was lying down, the mists slowly fades away giving him the idea on where he was. He was walking on something soft, clouds he now realized. He can hear soft melody as he walked around, seeing random people around him. Where was he? He must be in heaven.

Right. He died.

If this was indeed heaven, then he might be able to see his grandparents here. Surely they will welcome him, he was their only grandchild after all. As he walk around people started looking at him, scrutinizing him. Some with mirth while some condescending. It was eccentric to say the least, shouldn’t they be happy and minding their own business? It weirded him out but he needed to find his grandparents.

As he continued walking he saw people with magnificent wings on their backs. Angels. How beautiful they are it made him smile with amusement. Strange this felt like the first time he smiled for real, no more fake smiles and fake laughter. For the first time he felt euphoric. When he saw his grandparents, he was amazed at how young looking they were. It seemed that they never went to a lot of pain while still living on earth. They were sitting on a bench, seemingly waiting for someone.

He approached them hesitantly, afraid that they don’t recognize him anymore. His grandmother who has deep blue hair, and kind face smiled sweetly at him.

“My child Nagisa, it’s been a long time since I last saw you,” she said while holding his hands tenderly.

His grandpa who has dark hair and strict looking face also smiled at him, it made him tear up, it’s been a while since someone showed him real love. He was glad seeing them and somehow they still remember him.  

“Grandma, grandpa it’s been a long time yes,” he said kneeling in front of the old couple.

His grandmother stroked his hair fondly, “how was Hiromi my child? She’s still strict with you?”

He pouted at hearing his mother’s name he really can’t escape her huh?

“Last time I saw her she was...annoyed at me. Still strict too grandma,” he said.

His grandfather chuckled somewhat amused he and his grandmother looked at him, his grandmother smiled again at him. “I’m sorry my child, it’s because we were strict with her upbringing that she became like that to you. I regret doing that to her, but at that time it was for her own good,”

He blinked at her, “you know how stubborn your mother is don’t you Nagisa? She will do everything that she can to defy us. She’s a strong willed woman, that’s why we became strict with her. I hope you understand.”

He understood his mother for a long time, but what he can’t understand was why, will his mother force him to be someone whom he’s not. He really detested that.

“Nagisa,” his grandfather spoke for the first time, making him looked at his grandpa.

“We wanted to say sorry that she ruined your life,” his grandfather said flatly.

“It’s ok, I’m no longer there. I’m here now right?”

“Nagisa, it’s not yet your time,” his grandmother said still smiling at him.

He was flabbergasted at what his grandmother said, it was not yet his time? Then why was he here? Isn’t this heaven? Where was this then? He suddenly felt the ground shaking, he looked around him, the people were not alarmed with the shaking his grandparents were still smiling at him. What is going on? The ground shook again and this time he can see the cracks going towards him. He was frightened he tried standing up but his grandmother has a strong gripped on his arms. He looked at her, her smiled turned into a frown just like his mother’s.

The ground opened up underneath him, he screamed tears falling from his eyes as he fell below the clouds. He tried reaching for his grandparents. “Grandma! Grandpa!”

His grandparents were watching him fall down, they were smiling at him, “it’s not yet your time child,” his grandfather said calmly. He was falling down fast; gravity was pulling him towards the ground hard. He closed his eyes tightly his tears were drying up due to pressure of falling. Even when he’s a spirit he’s afraid of the pain from falling on high heights. They said that when you’re about to die your life will flash before your eyes. To Nagisa however, it was his memories that were flashing before his eyes.

Memories of his childhood innocence, his mother, Class 3-E, his friends, his teachers, then his demons. When he opened his eyes he was in a hot and dark place.  He can hear some screams here and there, he was terrified as he can see some people catching fire. Others tried to reach out to him, trying to make him burn just like them. He can see their grotesque figures, their faces melting, from skin, to muscles then to bones. It was repeating, they keep burning, asking for help. Trying to reach out to him. He can see certain worms coming out from their bones, eating their muscles while they scream to make it stop. They were asking for forgiveness, they wanted to be saved as they continue to burn and catch fire on the fiery river.

“Help me, dear one. You came to save me right?” The man on the fiery river said, reaching his bony arm with a few muscles left to him. Nagisa was staring at him wide eyed, he was not expecting for a big worm to come out of the arm. This scared the hell out of him, as he stumbled down, and moved his legs away from the man.

Nagisa was so horrified, tears started coming out of his wide eyes. This was so brutal, so despicable, so evil. He screamed at the atrociousness of the place and started running away from the burning people asking for help. As he ran he hit a person who’s back was facing him, when the person turned he was surprised to see his mother there.

“M-mom?!”

“Oh my Nagisa, it seems you also ended up in hell too. What a surprise,” she grinned evilly at him.

Nagisa watched as his mother’s looks began to crumble, her face started to get hollow. As his mother tried to reach him, he moved out of the way and started running away from her. He can hear her scream behind him. “You can’t escape me Nagisa, my baby girl!”

He kept running and running, even as his mother appears in front of him many times. He ignored her and kept on running away from the place. Away from her.  

When he woke up with a start, he looked around the place and noticed that he was on the bed. On the bed? Why was he on the bed? He thought he died. He was sweating so hard, and breathing harshly, that nightmare was so realistic he thought it was true. He tried remembering what happened before he lost consciousness, he remembered seeing a silhouette underneath the door. The person opening it, he must have been rescued by his mom. Shit! His mom saw those razor blades!

He hurriedly sat up which was a bad idea as black spots appeared on his vision. He took a deep breath and waited for a second to stand up to go to his bathroom. When he opened the door the first thing he noticed was how clean the bathroom was. He was expecting for it to be like a murder scene with dried blood on the floor and tub. But no, it was…pristine. He doesn’t know if he should be afraid of it or not.

He eyed the sink where he last put the box of razors. It was gone. He gulped, this was definitely not good at all. He can hear footsteps approaching his room he panic and immediately went to his bed. When the door opened he saw his mom who was calmly looking at him.

“Mom,” he said as the nightmare he had a while ago flash on his mind but chose to ignore it.

“Nagisa, how are you my dear baby?” she sat on his bed and held his hands delicately.

Nagisa flinched at the contact, “I…I’m…” what? What can he say? Good? He doesn’t feel good. Alive? He doesn’t even want to be alive.

“Nagisa. I saw what transpired in the bathroom,” she said flatly still holding her son’s hands.

Nagisa felt his sweat rolled down on his back, he was fidgety in front of his mom. Guilty perhaps? No. Not at all. He just don’t want anyone, his mom in particular to see what he’s hiding. The monsters living inside his head, he tried running away from them. He thought having friends will make them go away, but no. They stayed and waited for him to be vulnerable again to strike at him with a vengeance.

His mom was another case, he thought that doing what she wanted will appease her. But she just continued to be worse than before, he thought he can handle it, his real nightmare. Eventually he preferred to face his nightmares with open eyes; at least he knows what his mom wants. The ones in his mind were harder enemies, when he opened his eyes after sleeping his nightmare doesn’t end and it will continue to torture him until he began sleeping again. It’s a cycle now, and he doesn’t know when this will end.

“I…mom. I-” he began but he was slapped by his mother. The impact made him dizzy, it was so sudden and he was not expecting it. He snapped his attention to his mother when she began to speak calmly at first.

“My baby, I don’t know where I did wrong in raising you. But I was not expecting that scene from the bathroom,”

“I…I’m sorry,” he said and winced when his mother gripped his bandaged wrists hard. Only then did he notice that they were bandaged. It was repulsive he wanted to get sick from it. He don’t want to imagine what his mother was thinking when she was treating his wrists.

“Have you forgotten that I gave you life? Gave birth to you, raised you, feed you, gave everything that you need and let you study in the best school? This is how you will recompense everything I did for you? Every sacrifice I made for you? You ungrateful brat!” She squawked.

He can see her face turning into something dark where he can’t tell her facial expression, all he knows was he did wrong big time and he’s going to suffer the consequences sooner or later.

“Mom it’s not that,” he said softly.

“What then? You’re going to end your life because of what? Because you don’t like that I told you not to hang out with those so called friends of yours? Ha? Answer me!” She bellowed while pulling harshly her son’s hair.

“Mom it hurts, I’m sorry! Please, please forgive me!” Nagisa started crying, tears ran down his face as he tried to pry open his mom’s hands on his hair, he can feel a headache coming.

“You’re not answering my questions sweetheart!” she said and shoved him on the bed. Clearly agitated on her son. Nagisa wiped his tears and snot on his blanket, he will just have to wash them later. He hiccuped and faced his mother once more. He was about to open his mouth when his mom’s phone rang.

She went to pick up her phone on her bedroom and returned to Nagisa’s room, looking at him sharply. He tuned out his mom’s conversation as he looked at his alarm clock 11:00 PM it read. Huh, so it’s only been what 5 hours since he tried killing himself? He wondered what made his mother to come to the bathroom. She probably was calling for him to eat dinner, but since he’s not responding she went to find him. It was somehow sweet if only on a different circumstances.

Morning came he was hesitant to go to school, but he has no choice for the matter, he entered the classroom late. His classmates and Korosensei were again looking at him, Isogai first noticed that he was paler than usual. There were bags under his eyes and he looked so frail. His hair was tied up which was no longer new, they get worried if his hair was down.

"Good morning Nagisa-kun," Korosensei greeted enthusiastically face almost splitting from the grin he was showing.

He was once again ignored by the said student as he walked towards his desk to sit. Kataoka and Isogai were looking at each other, they will have to gather the class again for another meeting later.

The class started dull for Nagisa, he was feigning interested at the lessons. But clearly his mind was elsewhere. Kayano was side eyeing her friend looking for any sign that he was hurt from his mother's action yesterday. It was wanton cruelty to think that a mother can do that to her child. Truly unforgivable. She subconsciously clenched her fist at remembering it.

Nagisa felt someone looking at him from the back, clearly it was Karma. He was about to look behind him but decided not to. He doesn't want to face the concerned face of his best friend. His mom clearly told him to avoid them, he doesn't know why but he will have to in order to not get punished.

Along the lessons which clearly he didn't pay attention he eyed his bandaged wrists. He wondered what will his classmates think of him once they saw it. Humiliated? Probably. Anger? Most likely since he showed his weakness to them. How can they continue their assassination when one of the major link of their success is a weakling? Surely they wouldn't want that. Or maybe they will push him away, just like his friends from childhood did when they found out that he was forced to wear a girl's clothes.

During their foreign language class Irina made sure to take note of Nagisa’s behavior the whole time. Every blank stare, every bite on his fingernails and every scratch on the hem of his sleeves. Definitely suspicious, she doesn’t want to think bad of her student but sometimes overthinking does good than bad in this case. If these brats will have a meeting later during their lunch break, then she’d surely join them.

It was lunch break, Nagisa went to the forest behind their classroom with his bento, he was accompanied by Korosensei, not letting the kid off his sight. He will know the meeting’s agenda thru his co-teachers and his trusted class representatives. The class including Karasuma and Irina were in the middle of their meeting. Irina and Karasuma were standing on the side while Kataoka and Isogai were in front.

“How was the walk yesterday Sugino, Karma and Kayano?” Isogai asked while looking individually at the said students.

Kayano looked at the two and sighed, “it’s bad.”

The class looked up at Kayano when she said that. Others made a noise to know how bad it was, even Irina and Karasuma were surprised by it.

“How—”

“His mom was…was…”

“She told Nagisa to not hang with us, said that we were dragging him down,” Sugino said after Kayano can’t continue her sentence.

“The fuck?!” Terasaka said outraged. Some of their classmates were protesting too about the accusation.

Karma closed his eyes and clenched his fists, remembering what happened yesterday after they walked Nagisa home. Honestly if it’s not illegal he would beat Nagisa’s mother up, teach her some lessons. It was not them who was dragging her son down, it was her all along. Yet she will deny the obvious fact which was fucking annoying.

“His mom was a bitch,” Karma stated and crossed his arms while the class to look at him and sweat dropped. “What? It’s true. She even threatened Nagisa since he doesn’t want to go near her,”

“Oh!” Irina said as she remembered something. The class looked at her and waited for her to say something as she walked to the front. Kataoka and Isogai gave her room.

“I remembered Nagisa was scratching the hem of his sleeves a while ago. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I have bad feeling about it,” she said full concern in her voice.

When their Bitch-sensei said that, Sugino remembered the scars he saw on his wrists. He stood up immediately, the class looking at him. “Yesterday when I went to the bathroom to wash my hands I saw Nagisa washing his hands.

He seemed to be spacing out, when I approached him he hurriedly pulled his sleeves down. But I saw something, he must have not noticed that I saw it. But I saw multiple scars on his wrists when his sleeves rolled down.”

The class was alarmed at what Sugino said. Karma slammed his fist on his desk, this was spiraling out of control, why didn’t he notice those scars on his best friend’s wrists? He was livid at everything, but more especially to Nagisa’s mother. His classmates were worried at their blue haired friend. They don’t want to lose him, but they might if this continue. They need to find a way to help their classmate, if they have to tell Ritsu to record every conversation that the mother and son were having, they will tell her to do it.  

“We still need evidence to prove that he’s being maltreated by his mom, maybe we can tell Ritsu to record every conversation that seems abusive?” Okajima suggested.

“We can’t do that. It’s against the law, especially if both parties did not consent to it,” Karasuma said.

“So that’s out of the question,”

“We just have to wait for Nagisa to come to us and tell us everything. We can’t do drastic decisions about this,” Karasuma reminded them.

But everyone knows that Nagisa was the type to keep it all to himself, they will just have to trust him and wait for him to tell them what was really going on to his household. Karma doesn’t want to just sit and wait for Nagisa to tell him everything, he wanted to be the first one to aid his best friend. To be his shield to every blow that he receives from his mother, to be brave enough to chase his monsters away. To be the lighthouse to his’ stormy sea he called life, to be the one to end his endless night. He wanted to hold Nagisa close to him, and never let him go.

After their lunch which somehow Nagisa enjoyed with the help of Korosensei (as he was taught many things about flora and fauna while having lunch with the octopus.) he was able to concentrate slightly at their lessons. Korosensei will ask the class representatives about their meeting after class ends. They were able to have a normal class without any disruptions from Karma (with assassination) or Teraska (with being stupid according to Itona).

After a few hours class was over, Nagisa was packing his things when Karma approached him with a grin. Nagisa furrowed his brows at his best friend. “Ne, Nagisa. Wanna walk home with me?”

Nagisa was walking alone, he told his friends that he will do some errands for his mom that’s why he told them not to walk him home, even when they insisted. He went to the park and sat down on the bench to do some thinking. He was lost with what’s going on, he looked on the horizon a few kids were playing on the slide, some teenagers were on one of the benches too.

He wished his life was simple like the kids playing, he was not aware when a middle aged man sat beside him on the bench until the said man grunted. Nagisa looked at the man puffing out smoke from his cigarette. The man felt that he was being watched so he looked beside him to see a student looking at him curiously.

“Do ya have a problem with me smokin’?” he asked as he put the stick between his mouth.

Nagisa was surprised to be caught staring, he shook his head and looked at his font at the children and at the setting sun. He can hear few birds chirping at the distance and few laughter from the kids.

“No, nothing at all,” he said and sighed, and looked at the man again.

“What’s ya problem?” The man said and saw Nagisa staring at his cigarette stick. “Do ya want some?” He asked shaking the pack of cigarette in front of him.

Nagisa was taken aback, why was he being asked if he wanted one when he was just curious at it. He shook his head at the man’s offer. He doesn’t want to take anything from a stranger.

“Oke, suit ya’self. This is just a stress reliever for me ya’know? I ge’ lots of problems. Dunno why I’m telling em to a child like ya,” he said and puffed out a smoke.

“I’m not a child though,” Nagisa said softly. “And I don’t want to be treated like one,”

“Oh? Well oke.” The man looked at him intently. “Ya look like ya have problems too no?” he crushed the end of his cigarette under his shoe.

Nagisa stared at him, “You can tell that mister?”

“It’s in ya eyes, I see eyes like tha’ everyday at ma’ work. That’s why I smoke to relieve ma’ stress...”

Nagisa tuned out the man. Stress huh? Maybe one stick of it won’t hurt. It’s not like mom will know anyway, he knows that smoking can cause bad effects to his body. But if he’s trying to kill himself, what’s the harm in adding one? It’s not like he will live long in this world. Nagisa contemplated if he will want to take a stick to the man, he was a bit friendly too for a stranger.

“Hey mister?” Nagisa said and looked at him expectantly.

“Ya?” He asked watching the teenager in front of him with curiosity. “Does your offer still stand?”

The man rose a brow, offer? Does he mean the stick? “Ya mean if ya want one?”

Nagisa nodded and faked a smile at him. The man took his pack of cigarette from his satchel, handing him one. “Wait, do ya know how to smoke? Does your mama know?”

“I decided to not care about what my mom will say, it’s a stress reliever you said. So yeah Mister…?”

“Kagaya,”

“Mr. Kagaya, I’ll take one of those stress reliever.” Nagisa said and took a stick from the pack and the lighter. He knew that he was still underage for smoking, but right now he doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to care what people will say.

“I just don’t know how use one,” Nagisa said shyly.

The man chuckled, quite amused to the blue haired teen in front of him. “Here I’ll teach ya,” Not long after Nagisa got the hang of it. He was able to smoke for the first time, and he has no regrets about it. He felt himself relax slowly from the nicotine, and hey what a great feeling it was. The man and him continued to talk while they smoke. Before they part ways as it was starting to get dark, Nagisa was given an extra pack and lighter from the man.

“Consider ya’self lucky Nagisa-kun, I have an extra pack. I don’t normally offer kids a cigarette but ya look like ya really needed one. I’ll see ya ‘round,” Mr. Kagaya said and walked away waving at Nagisa.

“I’ll see you around as well Mr. Kagaya, thanks for the small talks,” Nagisa said and walked towards the apartment complex. He hid his pack of cigarette and lighter on the small hidden case on his bag. When he entered the house, he was surprised to see his mother who was busy on the kitchen. He greeted his mom and went to the bathroom to take a bath to remove the smell that linger from his clothes.

He removed the bandages on his wrists to assess the damaged on them. Huh, not bad he might do them again, and again and again until he’s satisfied that he’ll die from it. The pain he felt on his wrists made him tear up but he was used to this. Oh he was used to this. Cutting was no longer new to him, he started with a scissor, then a cutter but he often misplaced his tools for cutting and it was a hassle to hide them so he bought razor blades. But now that it’s gone he’ll have to buy one again..or maybe it was hidden inside the house somewhere. He’ll have to checked it later.

While eating with his mom, he was avoiding looking at her. However his mom was not having any of it. She cleared her throat and Nagisa looked at her.

“Nagisa my sweet girl, we will talk later ok?” She smiled at him.

Nagisa swallowed at what his mom said. Talk only meant one thing, she will talk and hit him. Just great. When will this end?

Chapter Text

It was a Friday night and Nagisa was alone in the house. He didn’t know if he should be thankful or not, his mom was on a business trip for three days, giving him full reign on the house. If he was like any teen his age, he’ll text all of his friends to come to his house and have a party filled with sodas and chips. But he’s not that kind of teen. He’s the depressed one, the one who wanted to die. He’d gladly cross the Sanzu River if only he will die now.

He tried to live but he’s too tired to survive, he wanted out and he wanted it fast. He was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling contemplating his life decisions. He was doing his assignments hitherto lying down not sure why he still continues it. Just that he wanted to be an efficient student somehow, that his mom won’t say anything even after everything that happened to them.

He noticed that he’s classmates were judicious towards him, it’s like they were trying to hide something from him. He has an inkling that it was about what Karma and his two friends, saw one afternoon when they walked him home. He wanted to tell them not to worry about him, he was a nobody. No one will miss him once he’s gone, no one will cry for him.

He remembered their ‘talk’ last night, his mom admonished him about the incident on the bathroom. He can still feel the pain from the beating he received. Every degrading word his mother told him was no longer new but it still hurt. How he was just a disappointment and a good for nothing to his mom. He wished that on his next life he will be a girl for his mom, so that his mom will treat him better and his mom will be happy.

"What a fool, even after everything I still think of mom's happiness," he said to no one as tears started falling from his eyes. He wiped away his tears and sat up on the bed, he rummaged his bag for his phone and turn it on for any message from his mom. Seeing none he placed it aside, he was about to place his bag at the foot of the bed when he saw something that piqued his interest and almost excited him.

He put out his cigarette pack and lighter. How can he forgot about this? He remembered Mr. Kayaya, how their small talks uplifted his depressed spirit somehow. It made him smile, he wondered how the man was doing. After opening one of the windows, he sat down on the floor and leaned on the side of the bed, he took out a stick light it up between his mouth and took a puff. He bent out his legs and rested his arms on them, his cigarette pack and lighter on his side.  

He rested his head on the edge of the bed as he let out a smoke. He took his phone and played some songs on his playlist, he lost himself on this tranquil sensation. He took another puff and let the smoke out of his nose, he stood up and crossed the room to where his study table was. Using his left hand (as his right was holding the stick between his index and middle finger) he searched for any container that can be a makeshift ashtray. He opened one of the drawers and saw a trinket dish, he removed the items, took it out and sat down again.

He dipped his used cigarette on the trinket dish and stood up, he opened the other windows to put out the smell from his room. Nagisa went out of his room to go to the kitchen. After opening the fridge he saw a three bottles of sake. He didn't remember them having one, maybe his mom bought it and drinks whenever she's fed off of him. How ludicrous. He ignored it for the meantime, he might be needing it someday but not yet now.

Nagisa returned to his room with a bottle of water and some leftover food from breakfast. He sat down on the study table and began eating the chicken, he looked down on his wrists and saw the almost healed wounds. Funny that his mom was the one who patched them up, he wonders what his mom was thinking when she’s treating them. Does she ever wonder why this happened? Does she have any ounce of culpability that she’s the reason that he became like this? That he became the monster he fears the most?

He often asked himself why he kept apologizing for being like this, for being this hideous when it’s his mom’s fault. Then again if only he was better, if only he was born a girl like his mom wanted then maybe this won’t happen. Maybe his mom will love him more, treat him better and they’d be happy. It was sometimes aggravating that their prayers were never answered. Does the gods even listen? Or are they too busy to answer his and his mom’s prayers? Maybe they were fed up of him and his mom that they forgot abut them. He hoped that they listen to his mom’s somehow.

He was lost on his musings that he didn’t hear his phone ringing, it was on the second ring that he it registered that made him sprung up on the chair to grab the noisy device. Not bothering to know the caller he answered with a rough ‘what?’.

"Nagisa? Are you alright? What happened?”

"Karma?” He checked the caller ID and it was indeed Karma calling. Why’d he be calling at this time?

“Yes. Are you alright? You seemed － ”

"Oh, yeah I’m just eating dinner. What’s up?” He said and tried to sound cheerful.

“I’m just checking up on you, since you’re alone there. Would you want me to come over? It’s a weekend tomorrow.” He can hear Karma smile on the other end. He looked around his room and took note of the things he have to hide if Karma visited him.

"Yeah, sure no problem. I’ll see you later then.”

“Ok see ya later Nagisa,” Karma said and cut the call. Nagisa put his phone back on the table and stopped the playing music. Why did I agree to let him come here?

Nagisa removed the evidences that he smoked, hiding his cigarettes and lighter inside his cabinet. He made sure that the smell of smoke was no longer noticeable when someone entered his room. He closed all windows except one, shit what am I thinking agreeing for Karma to come here? He was nervous to say the least.

What will Karma say when he saw the cigarettes? What will Karma think if he saw the scars he was hiding? He was afraid of Karma for the first time. He decided to ignore those thoughts for the meantime as he cleaned his plate and waited for Karma on the living room, checking his phone from time to time.

After 30 minutes, the bell chimed Nagisa opened the door for Karma with a smile. He forgot all the worries and doubt he felt when he saw Karma grinned in front of him. He will never get tired of seeing this lovable redhead. He only wished that he can be honest with him. He wished he can tell him everything, the pain, the heartaches, the nightmares. He’s afraid. Afraid to be left alone if he opened up. Afraid to lose his best friend to his selfish desires, afraid to be ridiculed if Karma found out what a monster he became.

As Karma entered the small house he noticed how quiet it was, it reminded him of his home.  Nagisa shouldn’t be leaving in this kind of house. Though to a strangers view it could be comfy and humble abode, to him this was just another hell and Nagisa was dealing with another devil. He was willing to help him, he was willing to save him, he was willing to take everything that hurts him.

After Karma drank the tea and ate some snacks served by Nagisa they were in the bedroom hanging out, Nagisa was reading a Sonic Ninja magazine while Karma was playing with his DS, whenever Nagisa move Karma will glance at him secretly. Checking if there was anything wrong with his blue haired best friend. When he pause the game his eyes widened at what he saw, this was the first time he noticed the almost healing wound on the bluenette’s wrists. He even saw the faint scars on them and he felt heartbroken by it.

He put down his DS and crawled towards Nagisa, who was startled when he felt Karma’s presence beside him. He looked at him questioningly when Karma suddenly hugged him.  He was surprised and flinched a bit, Karma took note of this and it saddened him. It only meant that Nagisa was hurt too much that even a simple hug scared him. Does a hug meant beating? That he can no longer tell if a hug is sincere or not? He wanted to change that, he wanted to tell him that not everything will hurt him. That he will always be here to stay, to protect him.

As Karma hugged Nagisa, thoughts were running on his mind. Why is Karma hugging me? Is he also going to hurt me? What is this feeling? He doesn’t want it, every time his mother hugged him or smiled at him it always ended up with him hurting. Motherly touch or any kind of touch, whether intimate or not was a foreign concept to him and he hated it.

“Karma?” Nagisa looked up at him.

“Shh, just let me do this Nagisa. Just let me do this,” he said leaning his head on Nagisa’s shoulder. “It might be enough, but let me do this,” he felt Nagisa lean on him too as he gently caressed the bluenette’s head.

“How warm. This feeling is so strange yet warm,” Nagisa said softly and closed his eyes enjoying the bizarre yet comfortable feeling.

They didn’t know how many minutes or hours passed in that intimate position, but for the first time, Nagisa felt love. Love was a strange concept too, he never felt it in his family but he craved for it. He wanted it.

It was in the middle of the night when Karma heard noises that woke him from his slumber. He ignored it, wanting to go back to la-la land but when his ears registered the noise of sniffling and soft cries he knew something was definitely wrong. When he opened his eyes the first thing he noticed that the other side of the bed was empty. He sat up immediately, the remnants of sleep was gone, looking around the dark room for Nagisa.

He saw a bright light coming from the ajar bathroom door, as he approached the bathroom, he can hear cries from it. He was hesitating and afraid on what he will find on the other side of the door, slowly he opened the door and what he saw will forever haunt him.

There sprawled on the floor was a barely conscious Nagisa, with a deep gash wound on both of his wrists, the scissor laid forgotten on his side. Blood coating his clothes and floor, he was frozen on the sight. He saw Nagisa’s clouding eyes looked at him, muttering a soft ‘Karma...?’

Karma ran to him crying, assessing the damages done on the fragile wrists. With haste he put on bandages that he saw on the medical kit inside the mirror cabinet, making sure that the bluenette was not closing his eyes.

“Nagisa, don’t close your eyes!” he said and scramble on his feet. “I’ll call an ambulance,” he went out of the bathroom to retrieve his phone. After calling 119 he returned to Nagisa’s side and started checking the vitals.

“Kar..ma? W-why...what a-are you d-doing?” Nagisa asked breathlessly looking at his friend hazily.

Karma was crying again and bit his lips, he hated this. He hated how weak he is, he hated that he can’t help Nagisa emotionally and mentally. That he can only help him by wrapping stupid bandages on his wrists.

“I’m sorry Nagisa. I’m sorry I’m weak. I’m sorry that I can’t uplift your burdens. I-I’m so-rry that this is all I can do...” Karma sniffed hiding his eyes from his bangs.

“Y-you didn’t do anything wrong,” Nagisa smiled faintly. “I-I wanted to...to die already,” he admitted and took a sharp breath.

“Nagisa! Don’t talk! Just stay with me! The ambulance is on the way!”

“I’m so tired Kar...ma. So...so tired. I d-didn’t know that living in this w-world is painful.”  Nagisa closed his eyes.

“Nagisa! Open your eyes goddamn it! Nagisa!” he slightly shook him.

Nagisa half opened his eyes and stared at Karma, “I’m sorry Karma,” tears rolled down his weak eyes.

“Nagisa, just― please save your breath. Please.”

Karma did not know what was happening after Nagisa closed his eyes. The world moved in slow mo, he heard voices of the emergency team, he saw them talking to him but he can’t hear anything that they were saying. All he knew was that they were taking Nagisa from him and putting him on a stretcher then everything went black.

When Nagisa opened his eyes he squinted at the bright lights. He groaned as he attempted to cover his eyes, he heard some movements and moved his arms to see the person. He blinked his eyes after the lights were dimmed, and looked at Karma apprehensively.  

“Kar―”

Karma cut him with a tight hug, “Don’t ever do that again! You scared the shit out of me, you know that!? I thought...I thought...”

Nagisa blinked and pat Karma’s back. “It’s ok, Karma.”

“No it’s not ok! Don’t ever say that it was ok. I was scared Nagisa. I-I don’t know what I’ll do if something happened to you.” Karma whispered softly.

“I’m sorry for putting you in that situation Karma,” Nagisa rubbed his back tenderly. He really felt sorry for what Karma saw. He can’t forgive himself if he involved Karma in his fucked up situation.

“This is not about me Nagisa, this is about you. I wanted to help you because I don’t want to lose you,” Karma moved back to his chair while Nagisa was still looking at him. Karma stood up and said that he’ll get a doctor.

As Karma went out, Nagisa was reflecting why his life became like this. He didn’t want to live like this, he just wanted to be normal. But it’s so hard to be normal, it’s so hard to live without fear. Fear of being abandoned, fear of the abuse, fear of being not good enough, fear of being treated wrongly by people. But most of all fear of being himself, the fear of the monsters living inside him.

The door opened revealing a middle-aged doctor with Karma in tow, Nagisa tried sitting up however the doctor went to his side and pushed a button for the bed to elevate the half part.

“How are you feeling Shiota-san?” The male doctor smiled at him kindly while checking his vitals.

Like crap. “Peachy,” he said with a monotonous voice, looking around the room for the first time. Noticing now that there were no sharp objects around the room, not even a vase in sight. What a lonely room. The doctor nodded and scribbled notes on his clipboard.

“H-how…” Nagisa cleared his throat and the doctor pressed a button for the nurse. “How long was I out?”

Before the doctor could speak, a knock was heard revealing a young nurse. “Please get a glass of water for Shiota-san,” The nurse went out to do what she’s instructed.

“Well to answer your question Shiota-san－”

“Nagisa , please call me Nagisa.”

“Ok, Nagisa-san. To answer your question, you’ve been out for a day. I hope you don’t mind me asking since I saw your old scars on your wrists, but did something happen for you to resort to doing this?” The doctor waited for Nagisa’s reply but received none. “If you need professional help and want to keep it confidential, I can recommend a colleague.” He said with understanding on the patient’s silence, but took none to heart. The nurse came to the room and gave Nagisa a glass of water which the bluenette drank.

“Doc, will he be ok?” Karma asked instead looking at Nagisa then to the doctor.

“He will be, his vitals are now getting normal but he have to stay for a few days to monitor his condition.”The doctor assured the redhead and walked towards the door. “If you need anything just press the button a nurse will come to you shortly,” he said as he and the nurse went out of the room.

When the doctor and nurse left, Karma sat at the chair and watched his best friend stare at his dressed wounds. The IV drip was a color contrast to Nagisa’s pale and fragile arm. It was very unsightly, it made Karma clenched his fist, his hospital clothes were very plain and sickly in color. His long hair lost its shine, it’s dullness was adding to the sick and pitiful look.  

“Nagisa.”

“Hmm?” Nagisa glanced at his best friend with a questioning look.

Karma let out a deep sigh and held Nagisa’s delicate hands, covering it with his, sharing warmth to the cool hands. How can he tell him, the things he wanted to say? He doesn’t want to add to the suffering of Nagisa, Karma seemed to be deep in thought which worried the bluennette.

“Karma?”

“Nagisa, tell me. How many times have you typed ‘I’m fine’ while holding a blade to your skin?”

Nagisa widened his eyes and looked down, he was not expecting that question. How? How long did Karma know? Does his classmates know too? His teachers? What was he going to tell them? Thought ran in his muddled mind. He wanted to be honest with his best friend, wanted to tell him everything. Wanted to cry every pain and heartache he felt, but he was scared. Scared of the judgement people will give him, scared of being alone.

“I-I…” he felt his eyes water, but he refused to cry. But he’s not sure how long he can stop the tears from falling down his face.

“I wanted to help you Nagisa. I wanted to save you, to fix you. But I can not do that if you will not be honest with me,” Karma brushed the tears with his thumb that were about to fall on Nagisa’s face.

Nagisa sniffled as fresh tears fell, he doesn’t know what to do with these emotions, but all he wanted was that Karma was there beside him and willing to fix him. That’s all he wanted and needed.

“I-I don’t want you to save me Karma,” he hiccuped and looked at Karma’s surprised face. “I want you to stand by my side as I save myself. B-because in all honesty, I-I am tired of living in fear. I am tired of living in pain,” Nagisa said and felt Karma embraced him for the second time. It felt good to be in the arms of someone who was not hurting him.

Nagisa told Karma everything his low self-esteem, how his mom beats him, every vilification that was thrown at him by his mom. He also said that he learned to smoke, he was waiting to be judged by Karma but nothing came. Karma understood it well, he was there before. Living alone in a big house, no parents to celebrate every milestone of his life. No parent to praise him everytime he scored high on a test, no one to treat him and say ‘I’m proud of you’ or ‘You did well, keep it up’.

Though his life was different from Nagisa, since even if Nagisa was living with a parent he was not appreciated. He’d rather be alone than live with a parent like that, he felt sorry for Nagisa and he will do everything to fix his best friend; the person he’s always had feelings with.

Their teachers visited them after they heard the news, Korosensei was livid he was too late to save his precious student. But not yet too late to start all over again. He will help his student to recover from all of this. Karasuma stated that he will do what he can to remove Nagisa from the abusive household. While they were in the middle of it they heard a knock and a doctor went in. Korosensei was able to hide with his Mach 20 on the bathroom. It was the same middle aged doctor from this morning he greeted the occupants of the room with a warm smile.

“Good afternoon, I’m Dr. Takada. I’m Nagisa-san’s doctor for the meantime.”

Karasuma nodded at the doctor. “I’m Karasuma, Nagisa-kun’s teacher. Can you give us an update about his condition?” Karasuma asked straight to professionalism.

Dr. Takada nodded and checked his clipboard for his notes then back at the occupants of the room. “His wrists wounds were deep, we managed to stop the bleeding and stitched it. We noticed that there were many old scars from his wrists to his forearms, however that was only the tip of the iceberg.

We saw bruises all over his body, some were almost healed while the others are still fresh. We put some ointments to aid the swelling. I asked him if something happened for him to resort to this and I understand that he won’t tell me. But as I said earlier to them if he needs professional help I can recommend a colleague.” Dr. Takada said eyeing the two adults.

“Thank you for those information Dr. Takada, we’ll handle it from here. We will let you know regarding the professional help,” Karasuma said and bowed to the doctor.

“Understood,” he said and left the room.

Nagisa was looking down the whole ordeal, he was not sure if he was ashamed or scared but all he knew was that he doesn’t like being talked like he was not in the room. He was waiting for the doctor to say that he was being abused. But maybe the doctor doesn’t want to state it since he doesn’t have the right to. He heard the door from the bathroom opened and Korosensei’s voice, he felt his teachers stare at him from what they learned from the doctor about his conditions.

“Nagisa-kun, we are very worried about you,” Irina approached her student, when she was about to caress him he flinched.

The teachers noticed it and understood where their student was coming from, she smiled warmly at him instead. They silently made a vow to help their student recover from this trauma and make someone pay for this.

The Class 3-E visited them as well, after hearing what happened to Nagisa. Sugino, Kayano, Kanzaki, Okuda, Maehara, Isogai and Kataoka were the first group to enter the hospital room. They were no longer to surprise to find their three teachers there including Karma. It was noticeable the changes that happened to Nagisa. Kayano approached her friend and almost cried when she saw the IV drip. The students found out from the teachers the findings of the doctor. Nagisa was shy about it but they assured him that were not going to judge him but will make sure to help their classmate and friend in every step of the way. After finding out that it was his mother that caused him to be like this, his classmates were infuriated.

“I would like to do to her what she’s done to you Nagisa-kun, she may be your mother. But I’m an assassin and I can kill her,” Irina said.

“Uh, please let’s not be drastic about this Bitch-sensei. You know that she’s still my mom,” Nagisa said sheepishly while eating his bland hospital food.

“Nagisa, why are you so kind?” Sugino asked from where he was seated and the others agreed.

It was night time when the students reluctantly left the hospital room, even Karma was forced to go home to change and take a rest which was noticeable with the bags under his eyes. Karma promised that he’ll come by again after he took a shower, no one can stop him from visiting so Karasuma and Korosensei obliged to let him come any time.

Now that it was only Karauma and Korosensi with him he felt intimidated, he tried to ignore their presence but he felt like every move he made he was being watched like a hawk. It unnerved him, it was suffocating somehow.

“Nagisa-kun,” Korosensei began and approached his student who was now lying on the bed.

Nagisa let out a sighed, he felt like sighing was his only way to let out his frustrations lately, he wished that in every sighed he make all his problems get solved; however it doesn’t happen that way he can only hope though.  

“I’m sorry, Korosensei.” he said avoiding looking at his yellow teacher.

“I don’t want to say that I understand, because I never did one. But what I wanted to tell you was we will always be here. Your teachers will always be willing to listen to you and your problems, you don’t have to do this alone.

You matter. You don’t have to fight this battle alone. Reach out to us there are many people who are willing to help you and fight for you and fight with you.” Korosensei said as he embraced a crying Nagisa.

“Thank you Korosensei,” he whispered.

The next day the second batch of his classmates(Kimura, Kurahashi, Takebayashi, Nakamura and Sumire) visited him including Sugino who forced his way in. Karma was already there chatting with a smiling Nagisa. Karauma was talking to his colleague on the phone while Korosensei was entertaining himself while reading a newspaper. The 5 students were surprised to see Nagisa in that condition, but somehow they were happy that Nagisa was smiling with his real smile now. They missed his smile, not the fake smile he always wear. They chatted up for a little while, they decided not to bring up sensitive topics that might hinder Nagisa from recovering from this trauma that happened to him.

They were not  expecting a knock, Korosensei immediately hid inside the bathroom; they were thinking that it was the doctor doing his rounds. However they were not expecting the visitor that entered the room. Their eyes widened and Nagisa felt the chill run down his spine. He was not expecting this, how was he going to explain what happened…

To a wrathful Hiromi Shiota?

Chapter Text

The room was quiet aside from the hum from the aircon. Everyone was frozen on the spot, holding their breaths as Hiromi walked towards Nagisa’s bed. Karasuma managed to stop her from walking forward, Sugino pushed the button for the nurse to come to them. Even Irina stood in front of the bed of Nagisa, to somehow shield the student from the livid mother.  

"Stay out of my way Karasuma-san, this is between me and my child," she said harshly, glaring daggers at the man.Two nurses came to he room and saw the commotion.

"Ma'am, we will need you to get out of the room," said a brown haired nurse to Hiromi.

Hiromi's glare went from Karasuma to the nurse, the nurse felt chills ran down her spine. If glares could kill she'd be six feet under already.

"What nonsense are you talking about? I am the mother and this is about my child, and you are telling me to get out of the room?"

"Ma'am this will be very stressful to the patient, so please kindly step out the room," said the other nurse.

"Didn't you hear what i just say? Are you deaf or is this hospital full of incompetent staff?"

The two nurses got quiet but tried to get Hiromi out of the room. Karasuma and Irina stepped in to aid the nurses as well.  This was getting out of control. Karma stood beside the bed, he fists were clenched, clear agitation written on his face.

Suddenly they heard sniffles, Karma looked beside him and saw Nagisa crying and on the borderline of having a panic attack. Karma placed his hands on Nagisa's shoulder, the contact made the smaller male flinched. It was a heartbreaking sight.

"Nagisa." Karma said gently. Even Sugino was trying to calm the smaller male who was hyperventilating.

"M-mom please...p-please get o-out of the room. Please," he cried. Fat tears streamed down his face. It was obvious how terrified he was with his mom here.

Hiromi struggled to free herself from the nurses’ grip she stared at her son menacingly. “We’re not yet done my dear Nagisa,”

“Let go of me,” she said as the nurses gently freed her, she walked out of the room with the nurses in tow.

The doctor went in and assessed the damage that was done to the patient. He checked the vitals of his patient. Aside from the stress, there were no visible injuries he assured the people around him that he’ll be fine. The students gave Nagisa a room leaving Karma on his side, as they sat on the available couch.

After the event that happened, Korosensei went out of the bathroom, he was not exactly pleased about it, rather he want to make some arrangements to Karasuma and talked to Nagisa’s dad regarding the custody of his son.

"Nagisa-kun,” he whispered and watched his student lean on Karma’s embrace. He felt really sad that it came down to this. He vowed to protect his students and end their sufferings, he was at a loss that parents especially mothers can do this despicable things to their child. He doesn’t want to think how many painful things Nagisa endured to resort to this.

He wished he have seen this sooner to help his student, well no point in thinking about the past. As a teacher he will focus on helping his student overcome this problem. He will help him in many ways that he can, it might be arduous but it’s gonna be worth it.

After three days Nagisa was discharged from the hospital, he haven’t seen his mom after what happened to the hospital. He was scared to go home, he doesn’t know what was waiting for him at home. When the cab dropped him and Karma at the apartment complex he was visibly shaking, Karma held his hand and he flinched. He looked at Karma and saw a gentle smile flashed the redhead’s face.

“It’ll be fine Nagisa-kun. I’m here.”  

Nagisa found comfort in those words, Nagisa watched as Karma put out his hand to hold his. He felt a strange sensation, he want to relieve in this moment. He wants to always be by Karma’s side, to feel protected and loved? Is this even love? Love was a strange emotion to him, his mom never loved him, to him love was a frightening feeling. It was like to feel love he must get hurt first, for that’s what he grew up in.

The two of them stood outside the door of his apartment, Nagisa took a deep breath as he and Karma went in after he unlocked the door. He noticed that the apartment was quiet, he was not sure if he should be happy about it or not. He went straight to the kitchen to drink and prepare Karma some tea as the latter sat down on the couch. He was not sure what will happen now, he was afraid that will mom will do something extreme after the hospital incident.

He went to Karma with a hot cup of tea and sat beside him. It was silent between them, the only noise was Karma’s sipping the tea.  Nagisa was not sure what to say to him, he wanted to thank him, for staying with him and not shunning him away despite what happened to him. He truly was grateful to Karma.

“Karma,”

“Hmm?” Karma put the cup on the table and faced Nagisa. Silently watching him, wishing to know what the other was thinking to help him and give him what he needed.

“I…I just wanted to…to thank you.” 

Karma waited for Nagisa to continue, but hearing none he contemplated what to reply, after all that happened to Nagisa, to them as friends and to the class. He wanted to see Nagisa smile without faking it, to laugh and be himself. With no one to hurt him and give more scars than those on his skin. He hated how powerless he was, hated that it took him days to find out that Nagisa was hurting, suffering for so long; with no one to talk to about his struggles for fear of rejection and judgement.

He hated that even though him and Nagisa were friends, Nagisa can't open up to him. Maybe it was because he distanced himself before, and now Nagisa feared that he will be left alone again if he tried to open up.

“Nagisa, all this time I wanted to tell you how important you are to me. Your skin is not paper, so don’t cut it. And your life is not a film so please don’t ever end it. You are beautiful to me Nagisa," Karma said and smiled at his best friend. Nagisa was surprised to what Karma said, he stared wide eyed at the redhead. He was not expecting any of it, but somehow he was glad that Karma never left him even if he was in the dark and tired of living.

They say that the loveliest angels make the cruelest demons. Karma agreed to that, he knew how lovely Nagisa is, how amazing he is. Nagisa was so kind and beautiful before he was dragged to hell, now Karma wanted to take him out of hell. He can now see the cruel demon that Nagisa became especially when it comes to their assassinating their teacher. He won’t admit it to anyone especially to Nagisa, but he was in awe yet afraid of him.

Karma heard sniffles and panicked when he saw Nagisa crying, “w-why are you crying? Are you hurting somewhere?” 

Nagisa wiped his tears and giggled softly, “n-no. I’m just happy. Happy that you’re here with me, I don’t know how to thank you enough, for staying with me.” 

Karma embraced the bluenette and caressed his head gently, he can feel his shirt get wet by Nagisa’s tears.

Karma stayed for dinner and planned to stay the night, however Nagisa said that his mom might come any minute. He doesn’t want his mom to see Karma for it might start a fight between the two. He just want to live in peace without any fighting between his mom and his friends or teachers.

Karma left even if he doesn’t want to, but Nagisa promised that he will call him if anything happens. He hoped not though, he doesn’t want to burden Karma further. While walking Karma was thinking when he can confess his feelings to the bluenette. He will help and patiently wait for the bluenette to get better. It will not be easy he knew, but he believed that Nagisa can overcome any obstacles that faced his way. He, his classmates and teachers will be willing to help in any way that they can.

When Karma left, it was already 8:30 PM he was nervously waiting for his mom to come home. He hoped that his mom was in a stable mind and will no longer hurt him, after what happened to him. He hoped that his mom had an epiphany on how close she was to losing him. He wondered if his mom even cared at all. He went to the kitchen and opened the fridge he saw the three untouched bottles of sake. He took one and went to his room, funny that he just got out of the hospital this morning and now he will drink sake.

Nagisa sat on the floor besides the foot of his bed, and opened the seal of the bottle. He uncapped it and took a sip straight from it. He flinched at the bitter sweet taste and felt a tingling sensation on his body.  He sipped another one and he noticed that his body was beginning to heat up. 

"This is going to be a long night," he said to no one as he continued to drink.

It was a Monday morning, the students were not over what transpired at the hospital when the visited Nagisa. They felt sorry for him for having a mother like her. The students filed up, and even Korosensei started the homeroom, everyone noticed that Nagisa was absent. Karma, Sugino and Kayano stood up fast even Korosensei aand the rest of the class panicked, after what happened Nagisa’s hospitalization was still a sore topic for everyone.

“I’ll go to his house!” Karma stated and began to walk out of the classroom.

Korosensei managed to make the class to calm down and told Karma to update him and the class once he reached Nagisa’s home.

As Karma ran towards the train station, thoughts ran on his mind. Is Nagisa alright? Is he in pain? What did his fucking mother do this time? Nagisa please be ok!

He reached the apartment complex in 30 minutes which was normally 45 minutes travel time. He reached Nagisa’s floor on record time and ran towards the door with the number 25 on it. He took a deep breath and composed himself.

He knocked on the door and called Nagisa’s name. When heard nothing moving inside he knocked again and reached for the door knob, he turned and noticed that it wasn’t even locked. Karma was on the verge of panicking and opened the door.

“Nagisa!” Karma looked around the living room if there was amiss. Seeing none he went towards Nagisa’s room. He can feel his heart beating fast, nervousness was an understatement on what he was feeling. He was petrified on what he will see on the other side of the door.

“Please don’t let there be blood.” He whispered and opened the door.

Nagisa was startled from his sleep when he heard knocks from the door. He groaned and stirred as he opened his eyes, he looked around and noticed that it was already morning and he was lying on the floor. He groaned again as he felt his head pound, he heard the door close and someone calling his name. He blindly searched for his phone on the floor, when he felt the rectangular object he opened the lockscreen to check the time; 8:40 AM it read.

He swore under his breath and groaned as he put the phone away, “I’m late,” he mumbled softly. He closed his eyes and almost forgot the person on his house, until he heard footsteps approached his room. He opened his eyes and anticipated for the person to open the door.

Karma opened the door and was surprised to see Nagisa on the floor with a half empty sake bottle and cigarette butts on the trinket dish. The room was a total mess, his cigarette pack and lighter laying innocently near his feet while the bottle was only arms reach from where he lays.

“Nagisa?”

Nagisa winced at the headache but smiled at him, “hey Karma.”

“You…what?” Karma knew he should be yelling at his friend for the underage drinking (and smoking again) but damn, after everything Nagisa has been through the first thing he could do was ask if he’s feeling ok which he did.

“I’ll get you some painkillers and a glass of water,” Karma stood up and wen to the kitchen to get a glass of water and went to the bathroom to find any Tylenol or aspirin. After finding Tylenol he went to the room and helped Nagisa to sit up to give him the medicine and water.

“Thank you Karma,” Nagisa said after drinking the given medicine. “It seems mom was not at home huh?”

Karma wet his lips before answering, “When I arrived the door was not even locked.”

Nagisa nodded seemingly resigned that his mother was not at home the whole night. I wonder where she is?

Karma looked around the mess of a room, was this what happened after he left? Shit I shouldn’t have left last night if this will happen. The smell of sake bottle still permeated the air and it made him gagged somehow. He can still smell the faint cigarette smoke lingering on the air, he can’t even fathom how long was Nagisa smoking and drinking alone until he passed out from being drunk. He hated how his best friend was suffering alone but what he loathed the most was the person that caused all this suffering to his best friend.

“Oh shit, Karma I’m sorry to keep you waiting when you should be in class right now,” Nagisa said suddenly remembering that Karma was wearing their uniform even with the coat.

“To hell with that Nagisa you’re my top priority. Just forget about it and worry about yourself, what do you want to eat anyway?”

“I don’t know. Maybe whatever you’re having,” Nagisa leaned his head on the edge of the bed as he stared at the ceiling.

“Ok, eggs and bacon yeah? But first let’s clean up your room,” Karma crouched down to pick up the pack of cigarettes and lighter however Nagisa snatched them away. Karma looked at him questioningly at his actions while Nagisa avoided Karma’s stares.

“Please just…I’ll clean up my room,” Nagisa stated sheepishly at Karma. However Karma was not having any of it, he stormed to where Nagisa was sitting and took the pack and lighter.

“What are you-? Don’t Karma!” Nagisa yelled as Karma threw the cigarette pack and lighter at the trash bin.

“What are you doing?!” He yelled at the redhead annoyed at his actions.

“What am I doing? What are you doing Nagisa? What the fuck are you doing to yourself?” Karma  asked with a glare.

Nagisa opened his mouth to retort only no sound came out, he closed his mouth and looked down at his lap. What can he say? He only wanted an escapism, where he doesn’t have to worry about his mom’s abusive words or beatings. Where he doesn’t have to be a student and an assassin in training to kill their teacher by March, where he doesn’t have to face the torment of the main campus for being in Class E. Sometimes he wished that he can go somewhere, where no one knows him. Where he can start anew with no fears about his tomorrow.

Nagisa felt tears start to come out, he wiped them away to not be noticed by the redhead as he continued to clean the room. The cigarette butts where thrown and the bottle of sake was also put on the trash. Karma saw what Nagisa did as he wiped his eyes, he felt sorry for him but he will not regret telling Nagisa that what he was doing was wrong.

“Nagisa.”

Nagisa stilled “what?” he croaked. He was not looking at Karma or to his room, he doesn’t want to show Karma that he was right. What the fuck was he doing with his life? Was it worth it to destroy his body so that he can die and escape his mom? At that time yeah it was, he won’t regret it. Never.

Karma sighed and sat down, “I’m sorry for my sudden outburst. I just don’t want you to get hurt－”

“I’m already hurting though,”

“I know, that’s why I don’t want you to add more. What I wanted to say was that…I know what you’re going through,” Karma said softly and looked at his best friend.

“Do you?”

“Yeah, I’ve been there. Maybe not the drinking and smoking but I was also lonely and hurting before.”

Nagisa looked up at him with doubt on his eyes, “you mean your parents?”

Karma nodded and took out his phone, he went to the photos and began looking for the picture of his parents. “You know about my parents, they’re always not around to celebrate any achievements of my life. I thought that if I scored high on an exam they’ll be proud of me and decide to go home.

I thought that if I began hitting someone they will come home and scold me and make me face my punishment. I thought that when it’s my birthday they’ll celebrate it with me, but all I ever got were gifts and a phone call from them. Gifts that were more fun when you have a playmate, you know if they’re not calling me I might have forgotten what their voices sounded like. I already forgot what they looked like since there were no pictures of them on my phone.” Karma said and pocketed his phone back to his pants.  

Nagisa was listening to him intently at what Karma was telling him, he knew about the part where Karma grew up alone that’s why he learned to fend for himself.  He knew that his parents neglected him as a child, honestly he never even met Karma’s parents. When he first found out he felt sorry for him and secretly happy that he have a mother with him even if his mother was unstable. But who would have thought that it will lead to this?

“So what I’m saying is Nagisa, I know how bad it hurts, and I will always be here for you.” Karma hugged Nagisa and Nagisa first hesitantly wrapped his hands around Karma until he found courage and hugged the redhead tightly.

After Karma threw the trash he immediately updated the class on their group chat saying that Nagisa was not feeling well and he will be staying with him to look after him. Sugino said that he’ll bring Karma’s bag after the class ended. Karma was in the middle of cooking breakfast while Nagisa was on the living room.

“Do you want water or juice?” He called out.

“Just water will be fine thank you Karma,”

After they ate breakfast, Karma washed the dishes while Nagisa was on the dining table. He was contemplating what to tell Karma. He was also worried about his mother’s whereabouts somehow.

“Karma.”

“Yeah?” He asked  while drying the plates. He looked at Nagisa when the bluenette did not respond. “Nagisa?”

Nagisa looked at him, “thank you for always being with me Karma.”

Karma put down the dried plates and placed the towel at the countertop to dry. He went to Nagisa’s side, “you will always be welcome Nagisa.”

“You know that, I just need one good one to stay, Karma.” Nagisa softly said as he leaned his head to Karma’s tummy.

“Then let me be your reason to stay, I’ll be that one good one reason for you to stay Nagisa.” Karma said caressing the bluenette’s head while Nagisa wrapped his hands around Karma.

They moved to the living room, and Nagisa curled himself on Karma’s side. Karma stroked his head gently, admiring how soft the strands were. They were enjoying each others company while listening to the music softly playing on Karma’s phone. Nagisa’s phone pinged for notification, he opened it and was surprised that it was a message from his dad.

Dad: Nagisa I heard what happened from

your teacher Karasuma-san. How are you doing?

I’m sorry I wasn’t there to protect you from your mother.

You: Hey dad, right now I’m doing ok.

It’s alright my teachers and classmates

were there to protect me.

Dad:  I see, well this will be too sudden but

what do you think of living with me?

“Karma?” Nagisa asked and looked up at the redhead.

“Yes?” Karma was still playing with Nagisa’s hair and met the eyes of the bluenette.

“My dad asked me if I wanted to live with him?”

Karma was silent for a moment as he thought of the possibilities of Nagisa living with his dad. All of his conclusion that Nagisa will never get hurt again. “I think it’s a good idea Nagisa, you don’t have to get hurt by your goddamn mother－”

“Karma.”

“Well what I’m saying is you will no longer get hurt by her constant abuse. You can start anew with your father, make happy memories. So I think it’s better for you to live with him, we will always be willing to help you.”

Nagisa thought of it for a second and smiled, “thank you Karma.”

You: Honestly I think it will be great.

After he sent the message, his dad called him and told him that Karasuma-san talked to him about the abused he received from his mother. He was so angry that he wanted to meet up with his wife and talked to him about what she was doing with their child. Nagisa assured his dad that he was doing great, and that Karma was with him right now. His dad told him that he will fix the papers for custody so that Nagisa can live with him.

The next day Nagisa was able to go to school with Karma on his side. He was welcomed with an open arm by Korosensei, his classmates were happy that he was doing his best to fight all his demons. During lunch time Nagisa went to the faculty to where Karasuma-sensei was waiting for him.

“Nagisa-kun, as your teacher and part of the ministry of defence, as made some arrangements to your father for your custody,” Karasuma-sensei said and watched the reaction of his student.

“I was informed by my dad yesterday when he called me,” Nagisa stated looking around the room except for his teacher. He was still ashamed of what he did, but his teachers were open-minded and were willing to assist him.

“Very well, Nagisa-kun. About your mother we made some arrangements that she goes to an institution to help her get stable. Also, would you like to get psychiatric help? We can always keep this confidential,” Karasuma-sensei said and smiled at Nagisa.

Nagisa thought of it for a second, “I’ll let you know Karasuma-sensei. Thank you for your assistance,” he smiled as Karasuma waved him off.

Nagisa went to his friends to finish their lunch, Kayano and Sugino were telling them stories of their day to day and Nagisa listened and laughed at the funny parts of their stories.

The day came to an end and Nagisa was surprised to see his dad waiting for him at the gate of the Kunugigaoka. He and his friends approached his dad, his dad was happy to finally meet his friends especially Karma who seemed to be looking after his son well.

When Karma, Kayano and Sugino went on their own ways leaving him and his father alone, Nagisa’s dad nudged him to get his son’s attention.

“Karma looks like a nice guy,” his father smiled.

Nagisa was taken aback by what his father said, “eh?”

“Well, doesn’t he look like a nice guy?”

“Yes he is,” Nagisa admitted and smiled, not noticing that he was slightly blushing.

Nagisa and his father walked towards  the nearest sushi restaurant, and they catch up to each other. His father promised to help his child overcome his trauma from all the abuse he received from his mother. Nagisa found out that with the help of Karauma-sensei’s connections Hiromi was put into an mental institution. The court granted the right of Nagisa’s father to have the custody as to obvious reasons that HIromi was unstable, it was also settled that Nagisa may visit his mother any day that he pleases.  Nagisa started his therapy to get his life back on track and he was doing well.

Months after Korosensei and the rest of Class 3-E with Karasuma and Irina saw the improvements of Nagisa. He was able to concentrate on his studies. He was able to smile and laugh more now. It was hard at first, but they were there to help him especially Karma. He was there to picked up the pieces of Nagisa, and put him back together. Nagisa was now leaving with his father on a different apartment complex near the school and workplace of his father. It took Nagisa 3 months before he decided to visit his mother twice a month.

Karma and Nagisa started dating too, Karma confessed his feelings to his long time best friend. At first Nagisa was hesitant, especially after the trauma he received. But Karma was patient with him and loved him for what he was. Karma accepted his flaws, his battle scars, his insecurities and fears. He loved every part of him, and promised to love him more. Nagisa who was first terrified of the strange emotion called love, learned to accept the feeling.

Little by little he learned to accept and love himself first, and forgave the people who hurt him. He thanked everyone who supported him while he’s on his lowest.

“Nagisa my child,” Hiromi said while looking at him while he visited one Saturday morning.

“What is it mom?”

“Tell me, how are you and your father?”

“We’re doing great mom, dad was going to get promoted,” Nagisa smiled sweetly.

“I see, I hope you get happy with him. I am sorry Nagisa, I know you wouldn’t forgive me now for all the bad things I’ve done to you,” Hiromi said while sitting on the bed.

“You’re right mom, actually I don’t want to forgive you,” he said and took a deep breath. “But my doctor told me that if I wanted to heal myself, I have to forgive. I’m learning to love myself mom.”

Hiromi smiled at her son’s progress, the dull eyes she used to see on him were replaced by a radiant ones full of life. She knew she did wrong, she was selfish and she saw her mistakes.

“I just want you to be happy Nagisa, by the way…how’s your relationship with Karma?”

Nagisa was stunned with the question, he never told his mother that he and Karma were boyfriends now. How did she find out that information?

“H-how?” Nagisa blanched as he began to stand up from the chair he was sitting. He walked towards the door to leave his mother’s ward, but her next words made him still.

Hiromi smiled, “you know  that I always have my ways my baby girl.”