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“That took you long,” Jonghyun murmured, eyes never straying away from the approaching man.
A year. That’s how long it took Minhyun to finally visit him and yet, Jonghyun couldn’t hate him. Because he knew. He knew that just going here takes a lot of courage, and for that, he was already grateful.
“Sorry, that . . . ” Minhyun paused, and Jonghyun didn’t miss the quiver in his lover’s voice. “. . . that it took me so long.”
It pained him seeing Minhyun this way. The way he looked so vulnerable, so lost. But Jonghyun knew that this was the only way. That sooner or later, Minhyun had to face this.
“It’s okay,” Jonghyun softly said, caressing Minhyun’s cheek. He saw a tinge of a shiver ran through Minhyun, and with a sad smile, he pulled his hand away. “I can always wait.”
Minhyun didn’t say anything else, and instead, stared far ahead. Jonghyun took a deep breath and followed suit, watching as the sun took it’s rest for the day, painting the sky in different shades of pink and blue.
“I’m sorry if I ruined sunsets for you, Minhyun-ah,” he whispered guiltily, knowing how Minhyun would never appreciate the beauty of sunsets because of him. If only he hadn’t been so weak, he would choose a different time. If only he had been stronger, he would held longer and left him when the night was too dark, when he was sure Minhyun was deeply asleep and not a time like this where he knew Minhyun would halt whatever he was doing to stare and appreciate the beautiful mellowed view of the sun setting for the day.
But just like the countless times he tried to fight a losing battle, he failed. And what was left was just this.
Another beautiful thing that he ruined.
“You should have told me,” Minhyun said after a while. Jonghyun didn’t miss the way Minhyun’s voice quavered or the way he clutched the bouquet of sunflowers that he brought tightly in his hand.
It hurt. It hurt so much to see Minhyun looking so hopeless. It hurt that the only thing he could do was bite his lip and nod while he stood and watched the way Minhyun tried to fight back every emotion that was tearing him apart.
It was unfair. It was so unfair that he couldn’t do anything but just watch.
Watch the way Minhyun’s lip trembled.
Watch the way Minhyun’s eyes glistened with tears.
When he accepted the fact that he couldn’t do anything anymore, he thought that was the most painful moment in his life. He thought leaving Minhyun, his family, and friends was the hardest and most painful thing he’ll ever face.
He never expected that it'd be this. He never expected that feeling powerless as he watched the person that he loved the most, broke down, would be the hardest and most painful scene in his life.
It hurt. It hurt more than all those physical pain that he had to suffer through. Hell, those pain were easy to endure—but this? Watching Minhyun crumble and fall apart while he pretended that he was okay? This was too much.
Fucking too much.
“You should have told me, Jonghyun,” Minhyun whispered again, his voice breaking as tears started falling to his cheeks. “You should have told me you were sick, you fucking asshole.”
Jonghyun smiled sadly at his lover’s curse. He reached for Minhyun’s cheek and gently wiped the tears that were falling down. Hoping that by doing this, it would ease some of Minhyun’s pain. That by doing this, Minhyun would know that he’s here for him, just like always.
“Yeah, I should have.”
“Yet, you didn’t,” Minhyun bit back, voice shaking, as he glared ahead.
“I didn’t.”
“You’ve always been an asshole that way,” Minhyun snickered bitterly and wiped his tear-streaked cheeks with the back of his hand. “You always think that you can do everything by yourself—that you can always carry everything on your own. That you should suffer alone.”
“I did,” he answered with a weak smile. If he could turn back time, his decision would be the same. If he could turn back time, he would still leave everyone and not tell them anything.
He would still go to Minhyun and break his heart. He would still tell Minhyun that he wasn’t enough. And that he doesn’t need him in his life anymore.
Because he was stupid and selfish like that.
Stupid, because even if he knew that Minhyun wouldn’t believe his lies, he would still lie and hurt him.
Selfish, because even if he knew that Minhyun would stay with him after finding out the truth, he would still choose to leave.
Because after all, it’s better to hurt and leave Minhyun than watch him die.
“Selfish,” Minhyun croaked. “You were always selfish that way.”
“I am.”
“You never cared about how anyone else would feel. You never cared about how your parents or your sisters would feel. You never cared about how your friends would feel, how I would feel—”
“Wrong,” Jonghyun cut off, reaching for Minhyun’s cheek and staring straight into his eyes. Pain gripped his chest as his ex-lover stared far away, yet all Jonghyun could do was accept it. Accept the fact that no matter what he does, whatever he says now, wouldn’t change anything. “I cared. I cared, Minhyun-ah, especially for you.”
It was heartbreaking. It hurt so much how even with just those simple words—words that he always took for granted—couldn’t change things.
And that the only thing he could do was hope. Hope that all memories they shared would make things a little bit better.
May it be the countless times they were happy. May it be the countless times they fought.
He hoped that at least, one of those moments, would remind Minhyun that he loved him and had always cared for him.
“I should forget you.”
“You should,” he replied. He bit his lip hard, fighting back all the emotions deep inside him that were screaming and begging Minhyun not to. “You should forget about me, Minhyun-ah. Live your life, find a better man who wouldn’t hurt you.”
“But I can’t,” Minhyun said. “I don’t think I can ever do that.”
It was a mix of joy and anguish hearing Minhyun say that. But the more time passed by, the more he watched Minhyun tremble as he placed the worn out bouquet of sunflowers on his grave, the more he wished that Minhyun could just forget him.
That Minhyun, just like his family and friends, would move on with his life.
“I don’t think I can ever forget you, Jonghyun-ah. Because no matter how many years will pass, no matter how selfish and stupid you are, it would always be you. I would always love you.”
“I know,” he sighed, taking a step towards Minhyun. He wanted to tell Minhyun that he knew that, that it was the same for him, and that no matter what happens—life or death—wouldn’t change that.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, snaking his arms on Minhyun’s waist. Jonghyun felt a shudder run through him, but this time, he chose to ignore it. This time, he wanted Minhyun to feel him, to let him know that he’s here, even if it’s just like this. “I’m sorry for leaving you, Love.”
Even if he was nothing more but a ghost.
Someone that would never be seen nor touched.
Jonghyun leaned his chin on Minhyun’s shoulder and placed a chaste kiss on his neck.
“I love you, Minhyun-ah. Always.”