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Isaac’s face sank into his hands and if his despair, indeed, did possess mass then by now he himself would be sinking deep into the earth, far past the crust and probably somewhere around the middle of the mantle. He knew he wasn’t physically large but the sheer amount of despair and dread packed into him right now was enough to rival many known material densities. He knew it.
Watching the woman of his dreams and the absolute light of his life flirting with Arthur across the room was, at once, literally a mix of envy and dread. Wishing that he was on the receiving end of her smile and knowing that he was not there was a bitter pill to swallow. If he were a man with lesser self-control, he would’ve grabbed a drink, or two but he knew better than that. To embarrass himself at this house party would be more mortifying than he could imagine and so he grits his teeth, wanting to ignore the spectacle but unfailingly getting more engrossed in it. The way Dora’s eyes sparkled when Arthur grinned towards her, the way she laughed coyly when he tucked a stray piece of her hair behind her ear. Honestly, it was getting too much to bear - but he was invited to this party by Dora and he’d promised to leave when she would (promise under duress, of course).
However, if Dora had no intentions of leaving to go back to her place but Arthur’s…perhaps he ought to leave, then. He can’t leave without telling her, though. And he definitely doesn’t want to go anywhere near that fiendish acquaintance of his (Arthur was no friend, Isaac always insisted. They just happened to have one too many run-ins and that’s all). Perhaps if he hadn’t hesitated in asking Dora out during the homecoming game during sophomore year of university (he didn’t want to be there just as much as her. On hindsight, it was perfect timing), he wouldn’t have to witness this horrific pageantry in front of him. And yet, lamenting on the past isn’t usually something that Isaac did - given how futile it tended to be but the tendency of overthinking was still the bane of his existence. Another soundless sigh escaped his lips, his guilt and regret vaguely reminding him of incidences in university once again.
He had been so ready to ask Dora out, after ENGH 201’s final presentations were over. What he didn’t expect, though, was to see her confessing to Vincent after class had ended and based on how the conversation ended (a conversation he absolutely didn’t mean to oversee), it looked like it didn’t go as planned. Dora were silent and unusually glum and Isaac felt the crushing weight of her guilt on his shoulders. Empathy could be a burden, in the end. As both sat in the common room of her dorm, the floodgate for her tears burst and she had cried into Isaac’s shoulder, telling him that she couldn’t even be mad at Vincent for rejecting her - he’d been too nice about it! Isaac gulped, tentatively stroking Dora’s head and his touch wavering. Was this too intimate? Too forward? When she clutched his sleeve in an attempt to control her crying, Isaac couldn’t help it, letting himself wrap his arms around her. It wasn’t often that he could let his instincts take precedence; his thoughts always interrupted his instinct and more often than not, it felt like Dora was taking the place of the former. It was perhaps the wrong time to be thinking about it but her vivacity, liveliness and the optimism she had to go along with it made Dora shine brighter than anyone else and sometimes Isaac felt like he had to look away from her, to gather his thoughts and wits. She dazzled like the ever-giving sun.
But even the sun has sunspots and seeing Dora huddled up in his arms, Isaac realised that there was something rather ridiculous about the fact that his fondness for her was growing, even at a time like this.
Isaac doesn’t find himself thinking about that night all too often but as he’s standing here, seeing the way Arthur’s got his arm around Dora now, he’s reminded of how sunspots are only temporary. A manifestation of a changing magnetic field, nothing more. It’s only a temporary setback and the person he sees in front of him is shining brighter than ever. Of course he’s happy for her - but at the same time, for the sake of his own feelings, he knows he has to distance himself from her - perhaps the person closest to him. Or perhaps on the same level as Napoleon and Leonardo - rankings don’t matter, anyhow. The clock is nowhere near midnight but he grabs his coat anyway - his apartment isn’t far and if he makes it there quickly, there might be another episode of that new, sci-fi TV show he may be able to sneak in before falling asleep. Attending a New Year’s Eve party had never been on his list but Dora had insisted, with her pretty smile and her twinkling eyes. He only went for her sake, of course he did, because he’s in love with her. It’s as clear as day to everyone else, apparently, since Napoleon and Leonardo have gently reminded and encouraged him.
Why do fools fall in love, anyway?
Isaac zipped his jacket up as high as it could go and pulled down the hood as low as it would, hoping it would protect him from the cold and wishing it could keep that innate sense of loneliness at bay. Slipping out of the raucous party, the young man wondered if it would be better to just buy some takeout or to get food delivered. The best part of being in academia was that he would have periods where he wouldn’t always have to deal with students directly and the intent of winter break was for him to get a head start on his literature review for the upcoming semester’s research work. Perhaps he would get onto one journal tonight-
“Isaac!”
- It wasn’t that late. Sometimes, Isaac wished he had better tolerance with alcohol. Leo and Napoleon always looked very cool with their drinks in hand. In theory, it could be quite ‘cool’ to be reviewing journals with a bourbon in hand. Too bad that wasn’t actually both to Isaac’s tastes and alcohol tolerance -
“Hey! Isaac!”
- … well, it’s not as if Isaac wished he was any different but it sure wouldn’t hurt for him to be more on Dora’s radar, so to speak. He was happy with who he was and what he had accomplished in life but perhaps if he had been a bit more expressive, a tad more outgoing…or whatever it was that Edinburgh latecomer had been like, then he could’ve stood a better chance-
A sudden yank to his jacket’s hood nearly brought a scream to his lips but as he turned around and came face-to-face with Dora, all notion of words died on his tongue.
“You…” She was bent over, double, the shortness of her breath evident in the way she inhaled sharply and let out little huffs of condensation. “Isaac…you…”
“Dora…what on earth are you doing here?”
“…seriously…been calling your name…for so long…”
A moment’s panic welled up in Isaac’s chest. Had he been so lost in his wretched thoughts? “Oh God no, I’m so sorry! I was just…well, er, as it were.” The words died out; seeing the familiar smile on her face, he realised that Dora wasn’t actually mad at him.
Stepping slightly closer, she smiled towards the blossom-haired man snugly wrapped up in defence from the harsh winters. “Sorry, I didn’t realise you’d wanted to leave.”
“You didn’t have to leave early,” Isaac’s voice was quiet.
“Why wouldn’t I? We came here together, so we-”
The words left Isaac’s mouth, before he could think twice. “I didn’t want to interrupt!”
Dora blinked at him once, twice. “Interrupt? You wouldn’t be doing that. I was actually looking for you after I left the restroom but…I kept on getting sidetracked and then when I asked around, someone said you’d left so, yeah. Here I am.”
A small ‘oh’ was all Isaac had in response, both his misinterpretation of the aforementioned scenario and the fact that she was so close that he could smell her perfume. It was delicate but it was all so her; that made it all the more heady. And perhaps he was losing grip on his self-control because the next words he spoke sounded accusatory. “I’m…not a child, you know. You didn’t have to leave the party because of me…or go out of your way like that.”
He regrets the words as soon as he speaks them but Dora doesn’t seem to take offence as she is just shaking her head at him, with that imperceptible but beautiful smile. “It’s nothing like that, Isaac. I simply like being around you.”
At those words, he almost feels like the wind’s been knocked out of him. No one has ever liked being around him, as far as he can remember. Maybe there’s always been a nagging feeling at the back of his mind that even his friends spend time with him out of pity. To all of this, he can only respond “why?”
“Because I love you.” Dora’s cheeks are reddened and she’s not sure if it’s because of the cold or because her response was completely unfiltered.
A few moments pass between both of them, sharing blinks and the little space where their breaths mingle visibly. And then Isaac is moving forward, pressing his lips against hers while he gently cradles her cheeks with his freezing hands. He’s wanted to do this for so long, the chill of the nervousness and the adrenaline coursing through his veins is a combination like no other.
And when Dora curls her hands into his scarf and kisses him back, the fireworks and cheers all around that greet the new year pale in comparison to the fireworks in his heart.