Work Text:
Tell me about the dream where we pull the bodies out of the lake
and dress them in warm clothes again.
How it was late, and no one could sleep, the horses running
until they forget that they are horses.
Scheherazade by Richard Siken
***
How many falls it takes for a heart to finally break? How many regrets a heart can contain before it’s filled to the brim and drown? How many fake smiles can a heart give until lies stop tasting like ashes in one’s mouth?
*
Of all the things Yuu Yanase had planned for his life, falling in love isn’t one of them. That, if he ever planned to love at all.
It’s useless, Yuu, he’s been reminded, over and over again. It’s the only thing that will be strong enough to kill you.
But a heart doesn’t listen to oneself, does it? His heart didn’t want to, when he told it to stop hurting; a quick pulsing at the sound of his classmate’s laughter. His heart didn’t care when he said don’t get closer; someone whose talent swept him off his feet. His heart didn’t know how to pretend; watching his crush falling for someone else.
His heart had foolishly thought that it’s okay to start; someone who gave him charming smiles and words that he wished he’d never heard again, if only for the sake of taming himself from troubles.
He hopes it’s listening now, though. Stop. Stop. Stop.
“Yanase?”
Yuu blinks twice and swallows hard. His throat hurts just as much as his chest is numb. “Yeah?”
“Are you okay?”
No, his brain supplies. “Yes, yeah,” he mumbles a little while later. “I’m okay, it’s –it’s okay.”
Ijuuin raises his eyebrow questioningly. “You seem a bit...distracted.”
“The weather,” Yuu shrugs, concentrating back on his work. Draw, erase, re-draw, repeat.
“Oh,” Ijuuin says, surprised. “Want me to –”
“No,” Yuu cuts him off, shoving the last piece of paper he’s been doing for the past hour to the mangaka’s hand. “I’m done.”
Ijuuin hums and scans the paper with his eyes, smiling as he notices Yuu’s neat work. “Perfect, as usual.”
“It’s not. It can’t –”
“It is,” Ijuuin reaches to ruffle the younger’s hair. “Perfect.”
Yuu scowls at him, “Stop it, Sensei.”
And Ijuuin laughs.
*
The scariest part of falling in love is not the height of the fall but more about the way you fall. At the first sight, fast and forward, stumbling upon gravels, head over heels; Yuu knows it all, of course. After all, he had loved before. The kind that left dust on his tongue, the one that pierced through his heard with its arrow.
But it’s not Yuu’s fault, isn’t it?
*
“What the hell?!”
“Yo,” Ijuuin greets him half-heartedly. “Come here.”
Yuu can’t help but rolling his eyes. “You texted me saying SOS so I ran here just to help you –” he narrows his eyes upon seeing what’s been arresting Ijuuin’s attention “–doing crosswords?”
“You said you’re not busy,” Ijuuin grabs Yuu’s wrist and puts a pencil in his hand. “Sit down.”
“Seriously, Sensei?”
“I’ll order dinner later.”
“That’s not the problem.”
“There is no problem here, Yanase.”
“You –I could be, you know,” Yuu sighs as he takes a seat across Ijuuin. “Busy.”
“Doing what? Yoshikawa Sensei pushing on his deadlines again?”
“No,” Yuu answers quickly –too quick to be natural. He clears his throat and tries again. “No, it’s fine.”
“Just a guess, Yanase.”
“Just a guess,” Yuu parrots. “So, now, crosswords.”
“Hmm,” Ijuuin agrees. “7 letters for quiet.”
“Shut up.”
“That’s six letters, Yanase.”
“It’s quiet, Sensei –ouch!” Yuu shrieks. “What?”
“Snarky,” Ijuuin pinches his cheek again. “You’re lucky that you’re cute.”
“I’m not.”
“Quit saying I’m not.”
“But I’m not,” Yuu pushes Ijuuin’s hand away. “Silence.”
“I won’t.”
“It’s silence, the word you’re looking for.”
“Oh,” Ijuuin fills the blank squares in his crossword. “Right.”
“Uh–huh.”
“You’re still cute though.”
“Sensei.”
Ijuuin shrugs. “I’m not lying.”
“Whatever.”
“Yanase,” Ijuuin smiles and reaches to touch Yuu’s wrist lightly. His touch is warm, like sitting too close to a bonfire of summercamp. “You’re always looking down at yourself.”
Yuu forgets how to breathe.
“You’re okay,” Ijuuin continues to work on his puzzle, thumb stroking Yuu’s skin absentmindedly. “You’re okay, Yanase.”
I’m not, Yuu wants to tell him, but just like his lungs, his heart forgets how to function. And it burns.
*
The difference is that, this time, it’s Yuu’s fault. He knew he shouldn’t, he knew which steps he should skip, he knew, he swore he did. And he still did it; went all the route that could spiral into a maze once again. He took the torch and got into the trap, again.
The difference is that this time, it’s the worst way of falling.
Slow and steady; against gravity.
*
“How many times I have to say that it’s not okay to force yourself like this?” Yuu hisses with annoyance, trying to drag Ijuuin’s swaying body to his bedroom. “You’re going to get yourself killed.”
“Isn’t that why they called it deadline?” Ijuuin mumbles, eyes barely open. His feet are nothing but jelly and he leans further to Yuu’s side.
“Ha–ha, very funny,” Yuu huffs tiredly, finally reaching the bed and deposing the older man on it.
“You’re no fun,” Ijuuin wriggles on the soft surface, letting out a sigh of bliss for being horizontal after sitting for more than 12 hours. There are darkened skin under his eyes as proof that he hasn’t been sleeping properly.
“Fun won’t save you from dying on your desk, you know.”
“Hmmm.”
“Sleep,” Yuu throws a blanket at the mangaka. “I’ll see what I can do.”
“Hnnn, no?”
“What do you mean no?”
“Stay here,” Ijuuin murmurs, already halfway to the dreamland. “Yanase.”
“What?”
“Here,” the dark haired man pats the spot beside him, eyelashes fluttering with the effort to stay conscious. His head lolls to the side as if he’s trying to locate Yuu’s presence. “Rest here.”
“I don’t need rest,” Yuu takes a step back. “I –I’m fine.”
“Hmmmn?”
“I’m fine,” Yuu walks away, tangling his fingers together until they stop shaking. He leans against the nearest wall and slids down until he’s sitting on the floor. He can’t hear Ijuuin’s light snore but it’s probably due to the loud drumming in his ears.
Liar, his heart whispers but he no longer trust anything. Coward.
*
Like every other kid, Yuu grew up dreaming. A Prince charming then later a King, a famous person who taught a lesson, a sweetheart, really, never a coward. Bravery and strength, how come they all gone when he needed them the most?
The day he confessed to Chiaki was the day he lost mind.
He cannot afford to lose everything else just because Ijuuin called him mine.
*
“This is why I keep you around.”
“I should’ve known,” Yuu clicks his tongue. “Don’t talk with your mouth full.”
“Really,” Ijuiin takes another bite of his food, stealing some from Yuu’s plate. “You’re the best, Yanase.”
“I’m not.”
“See? You’re doing it again,” Ijuuin scolds lightly. “I don’t mind your blushing face, but –”
“I’m not blushing!”
Ijuuin shakes his head. “You’re impossible.”
“That I am.”
Ijuuin just stares at him. “I don’t mean it in a bad way, Yanase.”
“It’s not,” Yuu puts his chopstick down, his appetite fading away. “I know. It’s fine.”
“It’s not.”
“...sorry, I ruined the mood?”
“You didn’t,” Ijuuin offers him a spoonful. “Open your mouth.”
Yuu snorts. “Is this your way of showing gratitude? Feeding me my own cooking?”
“I’ll take you on culinary date later, now eat.”
Yuu blinks. “You don’t have to.”
“I want to,” Ijuuin places the spoon before Yuu’s lips. “Aaaah.”
“You’re for real,” Yuu bites the inside of his cheek to keep himself from smiling. He obeys the command after Ijuuin squints his eyes and threatens to use some force. “Alright.”
“This is real,” Ijuuin says later when they’re sprawled on his sofa bed, watching re-run of a show hilarious enough to make Yuu choked on his popcorn and eyes brimming with tears as he laughed. “It’s alright, Yanase.”
Yuu can’t find an answer to the lack of question marks.
*
His body is adrift, rolling with sand and storm and cloud and snow. In a bed of ten thousand cornflowers, he’s reaching for a daffodil.
Wake up, Yuu reminds himself. The twister is coming!
Later, the sky answers. And then, faintly echoing, Just rest.
*
“Good morning.”
“Oh,” startled, Yuu almost drops the book he’s reading. “Good morning.”
“Did you sleep well?”
“Yeah,” Yuu places his hand on his chest to slow down the beating against his ribcage. “I did.”
“Good.”
“It is,” Yuu puts the book back on the nightstand. Some of the pages had been dog-eared and there is a dead, dried red rose on page ninety-nine. “Good, I meant, you know, the sleep.”
Ijuuin busies himself with his coffee maker. “Want anything than caffeine?”
“No,” Yuu shakes his head, hoping the motion won’t make some of his thoughts escape from his head. “Coffee is fine.”
“Any plans for today?”
“Yeah,” Yuu nods. “The usual.”
Ijuuin smiles. “Playing hero?”
“Saving someone from getting mauled by his editor is hardly a heroic act, Sensei.”
“Ask any Sensei and they’d tell you it was, Yanase.”
Yuu feels a smile creeps upon his lips. “What’s with you and flattery? It seems like you have tons of it.”
“I was just stating the truth,” Ijuuin hands him a steaming mug. “You could learn accepting it better.”
“Flattery will get you nowhere, you know.”
“The truth,” Ijuuin flicks his forehead playfully. “I like you, okay?”
“You don’t,” Yuu’s mouth runs faster than his brain ever could. “No, I meant –”
Ijuuin sips his coffee. “Don’t, you’re going to ruin it.”
“Sorry,” Yuu says quietly, feeling smaller. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Coffee, then shower.”
“Okay.”
“Next time just wake me up so we can have nice breakfast or something.”
“I didn’t want to disturb– wait, next time?”
Ijuuin raises his eyebrows. “Sleep over?”
“Right,” Yuu holds his mug with both hands to absorb some of the warmth. “Sorry I took your bed.”
“I won, remember?”
Yuu chuckles. “A rock-paper-scissor game, yeah.”
“Doesn’t matter. We made a deal, whoever won got to sleep on the sofa.”
“That’s the weirdest prize ever in a match.”
“Not really, I had a nice dream,” Ijuuin smirks.
“Oh?”
“You know,” the older man lowers his voice. “About us.”
Yuu mimes throwing his mug at Ijuuin. “Sensei.”
“What?” Ijuuin laughs, there’s a light in his eyes that Yuu wants to catch. “I dreamt about us having the next volume done before the deadline.”
It makes Yuu laugh too. “Cheers, then,” he clinks his mug against Ijuuin’s. “For that dream to come true.”
“Yanase.”
“Hmm?”
“I meant it though,” Ijuuin turns to face him as the car comes to full stop in front of Chiaki’s apartment complex. “I like you.”
Yuu wraps his arms around himself, the way one would craddle a broken ancient vase; edges, swords, old, and tired. “Thank you.”
“We’re good, aren’t we?”
Yuu nods. He’s feeling bold enough to say I like you too as Ijuuin rolls the window down to bid him good luck. He carries the emotion to Chiaki’s doorstep and enters with a glow that makes the later ask immediately about his red cheeks.
*
There are better ways to die than wanting for something you can’t keep. There are better reasons to cry than having your heart crushed with scars run deep. There are other feelings too, that you can shout its name without wondering if you should stop, if you should take a leap.
First lesson of survival: don’t fall, never sleep.
*
“What’s wrong?”
“Huh?” Yuu looks up from his work. “...nothing?”
“You’re brooding.”
“I’m working,” Yuu makes a face at Ijuuin. “You should be too.”
“Ever heard of multi-tasking?”
“I fail to see how brooding and working considered as multi-tasking, Sensei.”
“Ah, so you admit it that you’re brooding.”
“I was not. Stop projecting your thoughts at other people.”
Ijuuin sighs. “Can’t help myself, it’s Yuu, after all.”
“Wha– hey! who gave you permission to call me that?”
“May I?”
“Now you’re asking?”
“Yes, I am,” Ijuuin puts his pen down and massages his temple. “You can call me Kyou if you want.”
“No, thanks,” Yuu rolls his eyes. “I’m good with calling you Sensei.”
“How about what I want?”
“You’re pushing your boundaries here, Sensei. Get back to work.”
“Are you the boss now?” Ijuuin clicks his tongue, continuing to draw some more lines.
“Careful, you might scare the only assistant.”
“I do have assistants and they’d left thirty minutes ago because I told them to.”
“That’s the reason why you have to appreciate the only one who chose to stay here to help you finish this work.”
“Oh, don’t worry, I’ll take him to lunch date soon.”
“...was that a threat?”
Ijuuin bursts out laughing. “How was that a threat? I was being nice!”
“Well,” Yuu scratches his head, embarassed by his own response. “It felt like you’re going to drag me anywhere you want.”
“I believe the right term is surprise.”
“Hardly a surprise if you tell me about that.”
“Alright, alright,” Ijuuin raises his hands in defeat. “Would you like to go out with me, Yanase?”
“Didn’t I answer that already?”
Ijuuin groans at his reply. “I meant for lunch.”
“And if I say no?” Yuu smirks at him, giving a final touch to his work before meeting Ijuuin’s eyes bravely.
“Then I’ll try my luck again tomorrow.”
“Just like that?”
Ijuuin picks on a loose thread of his sweater. “I told you, didn’t I? There’s no rush in this.”
“This,” Yuu gestures between them. “Us.”
“Us,” Ijuuin takes Yuu’s hand in his, holding carefully like he would an eggshell. “No pressure, okay?”
“Yes,” Yuu watches their fingers intertwined and thinks about earthquake, about tsunami wave that swallows too many beings, about watching the sky underwater. “Yes.”
*
Yuu cares. He does too much and that’s why he doesn’t. There’s no place for someone who’s banging on the door of affection. There’s no place for someone who’s begging for attention.
*
“Did you ever think about doing something different?”
Yuu chews slower and drinks his tea. “You said it was okay so I didn’t.”
“Huh?” Ijuuin tilts his head in confusion. “What are you talking about?”
“The seasoning?” Yuu squints his eyes at his food, trying to remember the amount of salt he put in. “I think –I thought I did okay.”
Ijuuin laughs, carefree and sweet. He shakes his head with disbelief. “Yanase, I’m on my second serving. I like it.”
“Oh,” Yuu feels his cheeks heating up. “...that’s good.”
Ijuuin’s lips curl up softly into a smirk. “I meant, like, about work.”
“Work?”
“Did you ever think about writing your own stories?”
“You meant did I ever want to be you?”
“You should never want to be like me,” Ijuuin scolds him quietly. “That’s a mess you would never wish to dive in.”
Yuu looks at him, finally looks at him to see the way Ijuuin’s eyes slowly losing its gleam. “You’re not a mess, Sensei.”
Ijuuin shrugs. “That’s not the point.”
“Then what is?”
“Yanase,” Ijuuin scowls but there’s a fondness in the way his nose wrinkles in mock annoyance. He locks his eyes with Yuu’s before saying, “have a faith in yourself.”
Yuu lowers his gaze, scraping his fork against his almost empty plate. Inside him, his heart swirls with memories of how sure he was of his feelings. There are scar tattoes of things he believed before it was scattered into nothing but a void.
But there’s also something small and alive in his veins, growing and taking place of what’s supposed to be only hurt.
“Yeah,” Yuu says. “I want to try.”
Ijuuin doesn’t press further. The silence feels like a fresh dew.
*
What if the Prince charming never found Cinderella? What if the shoe didn’t fit her somehow? What if he never looked for her? What if he gave up because love at first sight was such a stupid thing to stress over?
What if there’s more of fairy tale where happily ever after was never the ending?
What if it just simply did not have an ending? Would there still be a story to tell it’s happy beginning?
Or was it such a sin for a good story to take turns the way nobody wanted it to be?
*
Yuu’s cheeks are the color of cherry, it matches Ijuuin’s lips. Those lips are currently dancing on his neck, catching on skin here and there. Yuu watches his own fingers skimming through the dark of Ijuuin’s hair, holding some then letting go. He lets out a shaky breath when Ijuuin’s nose bumps against his jaw.
What had been a calm conversation took turn to chaste kiss and tangled legs. Now, chests barricaded by their shirts but touching nonetheless, hot and crackling thunder on the smooth sheet of Ijuuin’s bed.
“Can I touch you?”
The question is simple, yet it sends a tingle through Yuu’s skin. He pulls back to watch Ijuuin’s pupils dilated, gleaming with untold emotions, the soft puffs of his breaths hitting Yuu’s skin delicately.
“No,” Yuu says, gripping tight onto Ijuuin, hands fisting on the taller man’s T-shirt. “But you can hold onto me.”
Ijuuin surges like he’s been denied breathing, nosing along Yuu’s collarbones, fingertips pressing on Yuu’s arms with thirst. “Yanase,” he breathes, the shakiness is palpable. “Yanase.”
“I know,” Yuu feels his throat closing tight, thousand wings of dead butterflies clogging in, suffocating him as his chest constricts to make room for something new. “I know.”
“What if –” Ijuuin moves to lay across Yuu’s body, a shivering blanket of summer night. “What if I can’t forget?”
Yuu strokes Ijuuin’s back and the latter responds in kind with a light touch on his hip.
“What if it’s not over?” Ijuuin asks. “What if I can’t get over it?”
Yuu puts his hand on Ijuuin’s nape, brushing soft hair with his thumb.
“What if I ruin this?”
“What if I ruin this?” Yuu whispers after three heartbeats. “What if this doesn’t work?”
Ijuuin hugs him tighter, making his way until their lips find each other.
*
If you dreamed and it came true, was it still a dream? If you forgave and you forgot, would you still be the same?
*
“I want to,” Ijuuin rasps, voice thick with unseen weight. “I want to move on but –”
“But you’re wondering if you could,” Yuu says softly, head pillowed on Ijuuin’s chest. “You’re wondering if you really want to.”
Ijuuin gives a dry laugh at that, his hand stills on Yuu’s back. “It’s bad isn’t it?” he wonders aloud. “I want to make this right but I wish I don’t have to.”
“Yeah,” Yuu nods. “And it goes in circle, asking question to yourself if you –”
“If you want to,” Ijuuin finishes his thought. “I wonder if this is what I want. I wonder if I want to...let go.”
“We,” Yuu clarifies. “I think the same thing too.”
“I know,” Ijuuin tucks Yuu’s head under his chin. “That’s why I like you.”
“And that’s why you think we fucked up.”
Ijuuin laughs, a first that night. “What if we can’t do this?”
“What if we can?” Yuu closes his eyes. There are so many possibilities behind his eyelids. “What if this is the right thing to do?”
“What if I end up hurting you?” Ijuuin pulls their bodies closer. “What if I break this one too?”
They let the quiet night fills itself until they tumble to a dreamland together.
*
In a perfect world, when you bleed yourself dry, you would become an ocean. In the real world, however, you couldn’t even be more than a glass of saltwater.
But remember; for a man lost in a desert, it counts as a miracle.
*
“It was unexpected,” Ijuuin starts with a deep breath. “I was –depressed, I think.”
“Yeah?”
Ijuuin nods. “He came and he told me not to give up. It felt like a rope.”
“And you tie yourself onto him?”
“Dragging myself, hands and knees to reach him.”
“But he didn’t want you to?”
“Not in the way I wish he wanted me to,” Ijuuin shakes his head. “But I didn’t know any other way to...stop.”
“Hmmm,” Yuu examines his fingers. They’re sitting side by side on Ijuuin’s sofa bed. It’s almost ten in the morning, they ought to get ready before people come to Ijuuin’s house to work. “I thought he needed me.”
“Yanase –”
“I needed him more,” Yuu cuts him off, squaring his shoulder to meet Ijuuin’s gaze. He allows himself to melt under the burning concern of it. “I needed him more than he would ever need me and that hurt.”
“But you couldn’t stop either.”
“No,” Yuu leans forward, resting his temple on Ijuuin’s shoulder. “I kept telling myself to try one more time.”
“Did you?”
Yuu swallows hard. “I’d like to think that I’d done enough.”
“I –I might hurt so many people by trying,” Ijuuin says quietly. “I know I did.”
“Me too,” Yuu begins to smile. “We’d make a good pair, don’t you think?”
“Oh, Yanase,” Ijuuin chuckles. “You know we would.”
“I’m scared,” Yuu admits. “Because it –this, us, feels good.”
Ijuuin kisses the top of his head.
“It’s something I didn’t see coming,” Yuu confesses, feeling lighter than ever. “I didn’t know that my heart could unfold, I –I didn’t know that I could make a room for someone new.”
“And it scares you?”
“And it scares me,” Yuu smiles. “Because I realized that I want this.”
“Oh,” Ijuuin sighs in relief. “Me too.”
Yuu’s mind buzzes like static as he recalls the day he couldn’t forget. “I’ve done something I’m not proud of.”
“You really think I never did?” Ijuuin encounters with a huff. “I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of, Yanase.”
“Did you...did you think it was love? That I –I hurt someone I wanted to protect.”
Ijuuin laces their fingers together. “I don’t know, Yanase.”
“...I want to do this right,” Yuu raises his head, leaning closer until he can feel Ijuuin’s breaths fanning his cheeks. “I want to love.”
“I want that too,” Ijuuin meets him in the middle with soft peck on his lips. “I do.”
“Can we try?”
“Yes,” Ijuuin soars, fingers rest on Yuu’s cheeks, savoring the heat. “With you,” he smiles as they kiss.
“With you,” Yuu echoes, feeling invisible threads stitching his heart back together. “With you.”
***
Tell me how all this, and love too, will ruin us.
These, our bodies, possessed by light.
Tell me we’ll never get used to it.
Scheherazade by Richard Siken