Chapter Text
The warmth of a body next to yours as you woke up was not surprising anymore, but the fact that the warmth came from Daryl always was. You still couldn’t believe that he’d sleep next you night in night out, that you both were…well, you didn’t know what you might be, but still, you appreciated this level of intimacy.
You felt Daryl stir as he woke up, and you tightened your hold on him. He was sleeping curled up, the same way he slept almost every night, and your arm was around him. He turned onto his back, blinking his eyes open and looking at you, grunting quietly something you didn’t understand.
“Morning,” you greeted, smiling. Daryl just nodded, sitting up on the bed and reaching out for his boots. “You’ll be careful today, right?” You asked while he put on his boots, stroking the hair at the back of his head. He was leaving for a run, a big and important one, with lots of other people, to a museum in Atlanta. You knew how skillful he was, but still, you worried nonetheless.
Daryl nodded again, looking at you over his shoulder. “Yeah,” he said, voice still raspy. He made to get up, but then he turned to look at you again, leaning to give your cheek a quick, soft peck, before he got up and walked out of your room.
You let out a sigh, covering your eyes with your arm. What were Daryl and you, you wondered…certainly not what you really wanted you both to be…but more than you had dared to hope for, even if you hadn’t been able to stop your daydreams.
You had been living in Alexandria when he arrived, and soon you had found yourself crushing on that quiet, dark, mysterious…and well, really handsome guy. You had overcome your shyness to try to get to know him, half hoping that maybe once you knew him better, it’d break your crush, but oh boy…hadn’t it been the opposite.
It had been difficult and more than once your advances hadn’t seemed too welcomed, but over time, Daryl and you had become friends, and you had won his trust. You had made sure to keep quiet about your crush, though, not wanting to lose his hard-earned trust, sure he wouldn’t return your feelings. At least, until Rick had sent him to the Sanctuary, that horrible place where he had been tortured, and you had known you needed to go with him.
Daryl’s mood hadn’t been the best in there…it still wasn’t, but it was better. He used to snap at everyone, he was always angry, but you also knew he was traumatized, you knew what he had gone through in there, and you hated how you couldn’t do anything to help.
He had snapped at you, once, when you had complained about being scared of the way some saviors looked at you, yelling at you that then maybe you should go back home and, asking why you had gone there in the first place, and to just take your stuff and leave. Now you knew he had been worried, but back then, you had been broken-hearted at his outburst, and trying not to cry you had babbled to him how you were there because you worried for him, because you didn’t want him to be alone in the place where he’d been tortured, and because you’d miss him if he was away.
Daryl had seemed taken aback and you had felt so embarrassed and awkward that you had run away and hid in your room. Later, though, he had gone to your room and had actually apologized for snapping and had even thanked you for being there for him. And you…well, having him talk softly to you, thanking you, looking at you with kindness…you couldn’t help yourself from maybe ruining the situation and confessing that you also were there because you liked him.
It didn’t seem you hadn’t ruined anything, though, Daryl didn’t snap, didn’t seem angry or awkward, even though he was silent, looking down. Anxiously, you had waited for him to say anything, but he didn’t, instead, he walked to you and sat down next to you on the bed, still silent.
You hadn’t known what to say, still nervous, but then Daryl had looked at you and leaned in. You had thought he was going to kiss you, but he hadn’t, instead he had rested his forehead on yours, and it was so sweet, all your nerves had melted away while butterflies danced in your belly…and then, when you had dared to kiss his lips softly and he had kissed back, your heart had gone crazy…
And there you were now…still unsure about what Daryl and you were.
You knew he cared about you, in his own way, he made sure you were alright, and he treated you with care and kindness…but something else, something more? You weren’t sure.
Daryl liked to be with you, and he looked for comfort in you, in that horrible place, you knew it. He looked for you, waited for you two to be alone so you’d kiss him and hug him, and talk to him, listen to him. He joined you in your bed most times, snuggling to you or curling up with you holding him. But you weren’t certain he loved you in the way you loved him, and he didn’t seem interested in having an actual relationship, or that’s how it seemed most of the time. You didn’t even know. Even in the very couple of times that you two had had sex, he’d still seemed to look more from comfort than anything else.
Not that you didn’t enjoy to hold him, comfort him, and take care of him, and in return, having him do the same for you. But you were in love with him, and you couldn’t help but wish to have more. If only you knew what Daryl wanted too, what were his feelings, what he thought of all these…you knew you both needed to talk about it, but you didn’t look forward to it, afraid of how it could go, and of it maybe meaning you’d lose whatever you had with Daryl, and it seemed he didn’t look forward to it either.
You let out a sigh. There was no time to wonder about all that now, there was always shit to do at the Sanctuary, and with Daryl out, you wanted to do as many tasks as possible, take work off his already too heavy shoulders before he came back.
*
It was late in the day when Daryl came back, but not only him, also Rick, Michonne, Carol, the King, and some others…and looking at their faces and at how Daryl snapped at everyone, something bad must have happened. While Rick was giving one of those speeches of him, you quietly slipped close to Daryl, placing a hand on his arm and startling him until he realized it was you.
“What’s wrong?” You whispered.
“We lost a kid, from Hilltop,” Daryl rasped back, and you knew he was sad and upset, you could notice it, even if he was trying to contain it. You wanted to hug him, to kiss him, to comfort him, but you two didn’t show that kind of physical affection in front of people, and you still weren’t sure if Daryl didn’t want people to know that you two had…whatever you two had.
“I’m sorry,” you whispered, squeezing his arm, your fingers lingering on his skin for a little longer than necessary, and he didn’t say anything else.
You were glad to see your old friends, you barely got to see them anymore now, but everything was tense and awkward after everything that had happened and at the Sanctuary situation, and so soon after dinner, you excused yourself and went to bed.
You waited for Daryl, he usually joined you, and you thought he needed some comfort after what had happened today, but you waited and waited and he didn’t, even when everything went silent around you. Any other night, you might have let him be, but you didn’t want him to be alone when you knew he was upset after a death like that and so you got up, and went looking for him.
As you had done some other times, you found him tinkering with a bike in the garage, doing you didn’t know what. He looked at you when the door opened, relaxing when he saw it was you, focusing back on the bike. You walked behind him and reached up to place your hands on his shoulders, rubbing.
“Are you okay?”
“You ask me that when we just lost a kid,” Daryl snapped and you muttered a sorry, but he looked at you, seeming to regret it, and he leaned to kiss you cheek. You slide your hands from his shoulders down his back, wrapping your arms around his middle, hugging him.
“Come to bed with me,” you whispered. “Please?” Daryl seemed hesitant, but finally he nodded and you held his hand, walking him to your bedroom.
Once there, you pushed him to lie down on the bed and you sat down straddling his hips. You looked at his face illuminated by the candlelight, running your fingers over his cheek, thinking once again how unfair it was that he always looked so handsome. Daryl nuzzled into your touch and you couldn’t help your smile.
“Maggie, she can’t be having-” he began, but you shushed him pressing a finger to his lips.
“No, stop.” You thought Daryl would snap, but he didn’t, not even when you removed your finger from his lips, and you traced his face with it softly. “Don’t think about that now. Just for a few hours. You need to sleep.” He slept too little, and you worried.
Daryl just hummed, closing his eyes briefly before opening them again, and you had the feeling his mind wasn’t going to shut down easily that night. You brought your hands to his chest and hesitantly, you toyed with the buttons of his shirt, waiting for Daryl’s reaction. He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t push you or stopped you when you began opening the buttons.
You ran your hands over the skin of his belly, up to his chest, looking at him, still unsure about him being on board with this. You leaned over him, kissing his lips softly before whispering into his ear, “Is this okay?” Instead of answering, Daryl sat up with you still on his lap, wrapping his arms around you.
You wrapped your arms around his neck, letting out a content sigh when Daryl nuzzled into your neck, holding you tight. You thought you would never get used to it, to how tight he held you, the way he liked to snuggle, to be held, things you hadn’t really expected from him, not until you knew him alone like that.
You pushed his shirt off him, brushing one of your hands up his back, stroking warm skin and old scars, humming when he began placing soft kisses across your neck, his hand running under your own shirt…
*
Later that night, you were snuggled to Daryl’s chest, and you had almost fallen asleep when you heard him speak. “I told Rick I want to leave.”
It was no surprise, you knew how much Daryl hated it in here, what was surprising was why he had said yes to come here in the first place, but you knew he was always trying to help. “And what did he say?”
“Doesn’t want me to, said he ain’t got no one else to spare and sent here, or else wants me to help in Alexandria,” Daryl scoffed…yeah, you knew well why neither him nor Maggie would step in Alexandria.
“He can’t force you to stay here,” you said, looking up from Daryl’s chest. Rick might lead Alexandria, but he couldn’t force Daryl to do something he didn’t want, or you, or anyone else. “If you want to leave, then you should.”
“Yeah? Who’s gonna keep this shit place going then? Ain’t like Rostia and Eugine are here ‘cause they like it either, I go, bet they go too…”
“It’s Rick’s who wants to help this place, hence is problem. Not yours,” you said, and Daryl just hummed. You knew he wouldn’t do something that could damage his friends, though, and so you knew he’d stay, no matter what, and who knew what could happen if you left the saviors on his own again.
“Place’s gonna fall down sooner or later anyway, no matter shit what I do…” He murmured and you took his hand, kissing his knuckles before placing his arm around you and snuggling onto his chest again, caressing his skin gently, you didn’t know what else you could say that could help him, so you hope you could at least bring him some comfort.
Soon, though, you felt Daryl growing restless under you, and then he was carefully shifting you to lie on the pillow. You groaned, opening your sleepy eyes and reaching for him. “Where you going?”
“Smoke,” he rasped. “Sleep.”
You hummed, hugging the pillow to you and letting out a sigh before falling asleep…you didn’t feel like you were making a good job helping Daryl ease his worries that night…
*
You woke when you felt Daryl getting into the bed again. You couldn’t be sure, but you thought you had slept for a long while, and the candles were already off, though for some reason Daryl was lighting them again to illuminate the room. “Took you long enough…” you murmured sleepily, curling up with your back to Daryl so the light of the candles wouldn’t bother you, to try and fall asleep again, but it seemed Daryl had other plans.
“Y/N,” he called quietly, running his fingers through your hair before pulling at you gently to make you roll and look at him. “Hey.”
“What?” You frowned, confused, as you blinked your eyes open.
“I was with Carol, she heard me speaking with Rick. Said she’s gonna stay here, take over the place for me, won’t let me say not.”
“Yeah?” You were sure that Rick would trust Carol to keep the Sanctuary in line. “That’s good.” You reached out to caress Daryl’s cheek, you knew how unhappy he was there, how much he wanted to leave.
“Hhmm hmm.” He nodded. “I’ll leave tomorrow to Hilltop.”
So he’d leave tomorrow…and you? You had gone to the Sanctuary only because of Daryl, you had no business in there, neither you cared for the place. You wanted to be wherever he was, with him. But what did Daryl want? He wasn’t saying anything…
Insecurity crept on you, as so often it did, you couldn’t help it. Yes, you knew you two weren’t a couple, that you two weren’t really together, but still…you slept next to each other, held each other, almost every night. You were there for him when he needed it, and he’d been there for you. Did that mean nothing? He would just leave you there without a second thought? You wanted to know what he thought about the whole thing.
“What do you want me to do?” You asked.
“Whatever you want.” Daryl shrugged without looking at you, doing nothing to ease your insecurities.
“But what you want me to do.” You insisted, more nervous than what you’d realized.
“You gotta do whatever you want.” He was still not looking at you, and it was rubbing you the wrong way.
“Daryl, I’m asking, answer me, what do you want me to do?” You shifted to sit in front of him, trying to get him to look at you, and he did glare at you.
“You want me ordering you around now like I’m your boss?” He scoffed, and insecure or not, you were starting to feel agitated.
“No, Daryl, I’m not saying that, I’m asking you, what do you want me to do!” You snapped.
“And I’m telling you, you do whatever the hell you want!” Daryl snapped back, getting on your nerves.
“Whatever the hell I want, okay, okay, sure…” You kicked the sheet off you, frustrated, and got up, trying to stop all those feelings, all those voices in your head that were making you feel awful, telling you that Daryl didn’t give a shit about what you might do, about not seeing you again. “Could go to Oceanside and sunbathe on the beach, why the hell not…what do I want? I want not to be in this shit place!”
“Then what are you doing here?” Daryl snapped again and you scoffed, shaking your head in disbelieve as you felt just angrier, your heart filling with sorrow.
“You know what I’m doing here.”
“I never asked you to come!”
“Oh, I know, I do know…” You nodded, turning away from him as you suddenly felt like crying. “You didn’t care what I did, I understand. I was no one.” You had been a friend, sure, but he had better friends. You had just been another Alexandrian. “But I thought things were different now. That you and I…” You shook your head without finishing your sentence. You had been so stupid, thinking Daryl might feel something for you, something else, something more… “But you don’t care, you’d leave and you wouldn’t care about what I do or if we don’t see each other again.”
“You know it ain’t like that…” Daryl murmured but you just scoffed, rubbing your eyes.
“You won’t give a shit what I do.” That was all you knew, all you felt, at that moment.
Daryl didn’t say anything, and you tried to get a hold of you, take control of your emotions. You were about to just leave the room when you heard Daryl letting out a long sigh and getting up from the bed, but you couldn’t look at him. Then you felt his arms around you, pulling you to him until his chest was against you back, his chin on your shoulder. “You know I’m thankful you came with me,” he murmured. “You know I give a shit,” he pressed a soft, hesitant kiss to your shoulder and you wondered if you knew. You guessed you did, but sometimes it was hard.
You turned on his arms to look at him. “Would you care if you leave and I stay here, or if I go to Alexandria or somewhere else where you aren’t?” You asked, voice small and tight. “Would you even miss me?” You forced yourself to ask, even if it made you feel embarrassed, shy, and stupid.
“’course I’d miss you,” Daryl whispered.
“Really? Don’t say it just because…” You couldn’t help but feel insecure, feel as if he might be saying it just so you would stop making a scene, but Daryl nodded, looking at you, eyes sincere. “Okay…” you whispered, giving him a small, sad smile, insecure still.
“But you don’t gotta do shit just because of me. You didn’t have to come to this shit place just ‘cause of me. Don’t have to go anywhere just ‘cause me,” he said, still sounding sincere, and you shook your head, smiling sadly again.
“I know. But I want to…’cause…” Because you loved him, but you weren’t going to say that. “’Cause I like to be with you…and because I care for you…” You shrugged, biting your lip.
“You know I care for you too…” Daryl murmured, taking you by surprise when he leaned to hold his forehead on yours, you couldn’t help but melt whenever he did that, no matter what. “I like to be with you too…” he whispered.
Daryl had said that he’d miss you…that he cared for you, liked to be with you. It was more than you had gotten from him in your time together, even if he showed you that he cared in his way, showed you that he might enjoy your time together, it wasn’t the same reassurance as hearing it. You were sure you’d never stop feeling insecure, you knew you’d never stop feeling that twinge in your heart at his feelings not being the same as yours, you knew that you’d never stop wondering when might be the day he’d decide to move on from you. But you would take whatever he wanted to give you. You would enjoy whatever you had, while it lasted.
You cupped his cheeks to lift his head and look at him. “I want to go to Hilltop with you,” you said quietly and Daryl nodded, the corner of his mouth tugging into a smile. “Because I don’t want to be here. But also because I want to still be where you are…wherever that is.”
You felt shy again, embarrassed and a bit like an idiot too, saying something like that, and before Daryl could say anything, you kissed him, afraid of what he might say. He pulled you even closer as he kissed you back in that way he did sometimes that always managed to make you forget all your insecurities, worries, and fears for a while.
Eventually, you pulled back, taking his hand to guide you both back to bed. “Didn’t mean to make you upset,” Daryl murmured as he leaned over you on the bed, running his hand through your hair, looking at you in that soft way, as if he always knew what to do to make you melt, even if you knew he didn’t realize it.
“I know…I’m sorry…I just…” You shrugged, helplessly. You didn’t know how to explain it to him.
“No, I’m sorry,” he apologized too. “I didn’t mean to…to make you feel that way…just…” He seemed helpless too and you placed your finger over his lips. You wanted you both to stop apologizing. You didn’t want to think about it anymore, afraid that all your insecurities would creep right back in…and when Daryl looked at you in that way he did, you just couldn’t stop yourself from believing him when he said he cared, when he said he liked to be with you…you couldn’t help but love him like you did, even if it hurt too.
You removed your finger from his lips, instead running it across his cheek. “I know how you can make it up to me…” You murmured, pulling him closer again to kiss his lips, glad when you felt him smiling as he kissed you back.